Saturday, September 30, 2006


Deep From The Trenches Of The Gameday Gulag


RK: So apparently, MLB multimedia pacakges are blacked out before certain times on Saturday and Sunday.

WV: That's ridiculous, inane, and don't they know we have a blog to write?

RK: Exactly, but it's apparently some sort of international agreement thing, I don't know. What do I look like, a law student?

WV: So we're stuck in gameday hell.

RK: Pretty much. Many apologies if the quality suffers as a result. But please, give us word from the outside. Tell us the funny things Bert says. Oh, Dick and Bert. We only had a couple of days left together and we have to miss this one now. Le sigh.


RK: Again, Redmond in the 3-hole, with - doth my eyes deceive me - Jason Kubel in as the DH?

WV: For the first time in about... since we started this thing, the Tripartite Jasoncreature is fully intact!

RK: Hopefully we can welcome Kubel back into the fold.

WV: And also hopefully, on an unrelated note that the Royals continue their impersonation of the '27 Jankees. As you said yesterday, there's nothing existential about Nevin and Kubel's persistent elusiveness.

RK: It's a purely practical consideration.

WV: And Garza gives up the 2-out single.

RK: Well, it's not like the Flags have their A-team out there today.

WV: Let's see if Garland can do his Carlos Silva impersonation for one more start.

RK: No Thome, AJ or Konerko

WV: I guess Ozzie doesn't like Detroit

RK: Though I believe Sandy Alomar hit his first dinger in about 18 years the last time we played.

WV: I believe that is a true fact.

RK: Hm, Matty's not looking so hot right now. Perhaps Rocket Bats got in his head after all

WV: He is a young one, after all

RK: Thank you, Rob Mackowiak

WV: Rocket Bats probably isn't allowed anywhere near the rest of the staff, Gardy's orders.

RK: I'll bet he's contagious.

RK: You know what I love about gameday? The way it doesn't update until after the first batter has gotten out! Awesome job, guys! I am going to throw myself in front of a train.

WV: Did you know Mike Redmond hasn't committed an error all season?

RK: Nor has he committed a home run all season.

WV: Well, we gave drag queen Judy Garland a 1-2-3 8-pitch first inning. Jankees then?

RK: Yep.


RK: Sweet God, gameday. I just missed the first two outs of the inning.

WV: Well, hopefully Garza can stay on it. He's basically pitching to the Charlotte Knights and Ron Mackowiak

RK: Which is an excellent lounge act name, by the way. Maybe reversed. Ron Mackowiak and the Charlotte Knights.

WV: R-Mack has his post-baseball career all figured out.

RK: You either apologize for saying that or go to the Angels broadcasting booth.

WV: My apologies.

RK: Again with the 2-out singles.

WV: Garza's like me when I'm 1 or 2 pages away from finishing a paper. I start playing flash games, reading blogs. But eventually I get it done.

RK: Dude, Chaos Faction is awesome.

WV: And the air-mail from Cuddyland misses its post.

RK: This looks strangely familiar... to the first inning.

WV: Football game in the state of Virginia today. His focus is elsewhere.

RK: And since they play Duke, it may be a game UVA can win.

WV: Isn't there a Tech game today?

RK: I thought Blacksburg seemed eerily quiet.

WV: And more runners stranded. Welcome to our reality, White Flags.

RK: Garza's vying to be the first pitcher to throw a shutout and give up 18 hits.

WV: Maybe Matty needs an anagram.

RK: I'm on it... Zagat Mart

WV: For all your restauranting needs.

RK: Once again, 2 outs I don't see, and Gameday, once again, you can blow it out your -

WV: As I was saying Garza's thrown 35 pitches, Garland will have thrown about 12 after this inning.

RK: That's what drag queens do. They preserve so they age better.

WV: Do we really need to keep doing the late inning thing? Can't we score some runs, like, right away?


RK: Wow, I didn't miss an out! And luckily I got to see a virtual representation of Brian Anderson striking out. Which I guess is actually a pretty common sight.

WV: Gload....funny name. The definition could be, "one who boasts about enlarged lymph nodes"

RK: Don't starfish use those to reproduce?

WV: A 1-out double? Matt, you've got to wait until you get two outs before you start doing that.

RK: Stick with the 18-hit shutout program!

WV: The food at Zagat Mart is pretty inconsistent today.

RK: I'd have to drop it to 3 stars right now.

WV: How you walk Mr. .154 John Fields is beyond me.

RK: I'll bet that drives Gardy crazier than anything.

WV: Well, the 18 hit part isn't broken up, but the shutout is.

RK: Giving up 6 hits in 2 and 1/3 IP is awesome.

WV: If you're Rocket Bats.

RK: And it's 3-0.

WV: Radke starts game 3 then, huh?

RK: Even if he's missing his right arm.

WV: 0-4 with a 6.67 ERA at home this year. Likely to be 0-5.

RK: Can we just put in Willie Eyre-in go bragh! so this stuff doesn't come as a surprise and depress us so much?

WV: 4-0 on the groundout.

RK: With our current offensivefutility, this lead is pretty much insurmountable.

WV: There are probably very few unforgivable sins.

RK: Is one of them 4-pitch walking Sandy Alomar Jr.

WV: Yes, that gets you an immediate Guerrier replacement.

RK: Well thank God that's over.

The first leg of the Triune Jasonhead can't get the job done. If I were Tyner and Bartlett, I could consider Kubel on notice.

Guys, somebody needs to light a fire under you. Does it bother you that you're being beaten by a drag queen?

It apparently doesn't bother Tyner at all.

nate p: I groan, but still, I wish I could be watching.

Maybe they're all just trying to get out quick so they can hear Judy do a rendition of "Somewhere over the rainbow"


With the way things have been going, I'm not heartened by the 2 quick outs that Guerrier has gotten. If today is any indication, it's now time for 4 straight hits.

1-2-3 inning! Somebody needs to exorcise Rocket Bats out of Garza's head. The power of Radke compels you!

Good Lord, I walk away for a few minutes to check on some college football and the drag queen put them away again. I'm going to go ahead and predict shutout here.


Oh dear, Guerrier, not you too.

Dear readers, my apologies. Gameday is just too much for me to take. I find myself wandering back into the living room to watch come college football and then coming in here to check up on what's going on. I just don't have the fortitude to sit and watch graphic representations to describe the game. Damn you, MLB. Damn you and your policy of blacking out all games before 7 EST on Saturday.

I like the pickoff of Iguchi, but I don't so much dig the RBI. Remember guys, the game apparently doesn't start for the offense until about the 8th inning.

Dimples, I know you're excited. UVA is beating Duke. But everybody beats Duke. Duke sucks at football (insert your own lacrosse joke here)

Morneau gets a little something started, which is good to see. I'd like to see them at least keep this game close. Good lord, such low expectations from a playoff team.

Gnah, they can't even get a mini-rally going against Judy.


I'm tempted to just start talking about something else entirely. Would anybody mind terribly? I mean, sure there's been some decent defense on the basepaths, 2 pickoff attempts-cum-caught stealings, but there has been two errors, and they're bunting in the 6th when they're down 5? Call me skeptical. And then the inning ends, but with a runner stranded on third. That doesn't even count as a moral victory.

I know everybody's talking about how this team is similar to the '87 squad. And how after they clinched a spot they pretty much lost every game after that. But this isn't the kind of momentum you want carrying you into the playoffs, especially agains the Jankees.


SO, SO, HR, today's MO.

nate, Eyre-in go bragh's warming up? Awesome. It's a good thing it was proscribed in Ragnarok that this series wouldn't matter, huh?

At least this is going relatively quickly. Duke is still losing.


It's not that I have anger salad. More just kinda sad that the bats have gone totally silent. And that of course worries me.

Again, so sorry, but I'm cooking and reading and watching football, and doing whatever else I can to get my mind and eyes off of this game. God I hate gameday.


Perhaps AJ will pinch-hit a Grand Slam this inning. Could there be a more perfect coup de grace?

OK, looking on the bright side, Willie Eyre-in go bragh! had a pretty good outing today.

I know there are runners on 1st and 2nd with nobody out, but you're not getting excited, are you?

(I admit, seeing the red dot go past the outfield for the 3-run homer got me a little excited, but it's still a 3-run deficit here)

But what I want to know is why wait until the ninth inning to do all this stuff? Why not, for example, score in the first?

I'm just glad the shutout has been broken up and... wait, HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Rondell White, I hope to hell you're swinging a hot stick.

Well that didn't take long.


Yeah, this game was an existential funk for all of us. And while it's easy to get down and say "Oh no, we're playing like crap and there just went the division because come on let's face it the Tigers are not going to get swept by the Royals" that's OK.

I mean, congratulations, Judy Garland. You win the Chelsea pier sho-tune karaoke contest.

And congratulations White Flags, for the win. But you know what doesn't change? After tomorrow, you guys still have to go home and deal with Tommy Lasorda telling you to watch the playoffs. I wouldn't want that either.

And our Twins? Well our Twins get to keep playing. I hope padding your stats was a bunch of fun. Enjoy the offseason tomorrow, bitches.

Friday, September 29, 2006


A Lounge JA Would Envy


Hey everyone, it's Robert. William will probably show up later, but I think for now he's contributing to domestic tranquility. Hey, let's talk about last night, OK? I know William and I got a little worked up, maybe said some harsh things, like made fun of Cuddyer's inability to hit an off-speed pitch, or, oh hell, just offensive futility in general. We definitely had anger salad (which will be included in our upcoming glossary o' terms - but a sneak peak is that phrase has origins in a Japanese fighting fish that one of Robert's friends kept as a pet in college), but it was the principle of the matter. We still firmly maintain that it doesn't matter who the Twins play in the first round of the postseason - be it the Jankees or the Properly Punctuated A's. It's just that when Bradke comes back and guts out a start, and it's against the Royals and some guy named Luke Hudson with a 5+ ERA, we expect them to put that game away. It's good to win the division for its own sake, and it's good to score more runs than there are slices of meat in a Jimmy John's Gargantuan (You know that's what Justin Credible gets AND HE EATS IT IN 4 CANADIAN BITES. Mauer might opt for the more humble Billy Club - less dazzle, but consistently good).

So sit back, relax, get a cocktail or 6 if you're of age, and let's hope for a win, but let's not get in a snit. Nobody likes to go to the angry place. Or Cincinnati. Ever been to Cincy? I swear.


Well let's go around the league, hm? 3-0 Detroit over Kansas City. And there's some other games too, I guess, but does anybody really care about the NAAAtional League? Statistically, it's definitely not likely that the Tigers will lose to the Royale with Cheeses at all, and even less likely that the Twins will sweep the Sox, but since it doesn't matter, we shall see and just root root root even for Rocket Bats and Carlos "We Were Once Sinkerballers" Silva.

But tonight? Tonight I have faith in Bonser and Herzegovina.

Though I wouldn't recommend starting the game with a base hit up the middle.

Boof, every time you pick off a runner an angel gets its wings. And lucky you did because all of a sudden Jermaine Dye went yard. Too bad you won't be an MVP this year, Jermaine. Too bad for two reasons:

1. Your team isn't in the playoffs
2. You're Jermaine Dye. This year is an aberration. Twins fans are quite familiar with the term, but unlike your production dropoff after this year, the Twins are, as they say in my native language, gut.

German isn't actually my native language. Yes, I know my last name translates to cherry.

WV: And Detroit is pounding KC. In other shocking news, the sun set tonight in the West.

RK: And we get to see shiftless washout, Freddy Garcia. I know he's actually been pretty good, but y'know.

WV: Right, but he has his newly developed splitty which will baffle us, I"m sure.

RK: Or at least Dimples.

WV: So far, AFK is 1-2 and his minion is 1-1

RK: Mauer's AB music is TI's "What You Know About That" which is like us listening to The Chronic in 7th grade.

WV: Which we did.

RK: Shut up.


RK: matt, interesting question. I mean, for the most part, William and I are [left-wing] reactionaries, but let's try predcting. I mean, Chris Berman gets paid to do it and he's terrible at it.

WV: I'm going to go 5-3 Flags

RK: Well I'm chiling out and will go 7-3 Twins

RK: Ha, Bert said pirantas again. I think he thinks it's the correct way to say it.

WV: And AJ is swinging at everything.

RK: Yeah, including a pitch that bounced in front of the plate.

WV: First bright spot - AJ just acted a fool.

RK: Merriweather is squeezing our boy just a teensy bit. But maybe you want to squeeze Boof too.

WV: Yeah, pretty soon his name will Bnsr

RK: With a lack of vowels, that's very Balkan indeed.

WV: And KC Starts the rally! 5-2.

RK: In Kansas City terms, that's the entirety of the rally.

WV: Cuddy, so close!

RK: Sinn Fein pesters the British-owned White Sox and squirts one into right.

WV: But White puts a stop to that right quick.


RK: Did you see Johnson will probably miss the postseason for the Jankees?

WV: Yeah, and Jaret Wright isn't exactly an asset here.

RK: Unlike ARod, Lrod plays a solid defense.

WV: And Boof, that is how you get a double play.

RK: My favorite double plays are the ones that only have 2 number. 6-3, baby.

WV: Dammit, and Dye keeps hurting us with the shoestring catches, too.

RK: That's OK, Jasonthing 2 will pick up Jasonthing 1.

WV: Or... Punto.

RK: Oh dear, I don't want a last night redux. I promised myself no anger salad tonight.


WV: Word of the week: offensivefutility. It's a neologism. Not in the dictionary yet.

RK: And being proponents of Newspeak, the fascist components of that term are very exciting.

WV: I will say this: When balls are caught in Cuddyland, they come back to the infield like a laser.

RK: Jim Thome always makes me nervous. Remember when he was with Cleveland and he used to hit 5000 foot homeruns that ended up in Rosemount?

WV: You almost feel fortunate he only got a single there.

RK: I don't understand why fans are booing Pierzynski here.

WV: Yeah, don't you think they should save their energy for a consequential player?

RK: That's what I'm thinking. And like there was any doubt Hunter would catch that ball.

WV: It'd be nice to see som Mauer Pauer here.

RK: I'd like some hot hot hit and run action.

WV: NOT a GIDP. Dammit.

RK: Next time, Joe.

WV: Christ, that was quick.


WV: You know, they only bat competently with 2 outs left in the 9th.

RK: New offensive scheme they're trying out.

WV: The Boofarino, by all measures, has been decent tonight.

RK: Absolutely. It's the offensivefutility been the problem.

WV: Of course, the second we say that, Absolut Cintron has to go yard.

RK: Any flavored hard liquor is abominably uncouth.

WV: Not to put too fine a point on it.

RK: Straight whiskey is good enough for the likes of us.

WV: Not sure I approve of 7 hits in 4 and 2/3 innings pitched.

RK: Yeah, but that's OK. The guy's battling.

WV: The Twins acquire outs like other teams look at strikes.

RK: The balls are well-hit, but right to people.

WV: It should be a new saying, "And the Twins take out 3 looking"


RK: KC's only down 2 now.

WV: Ok, that can work. Hopefully KC can keep it up.

RK: Oh, Joe got his bell rung.

WV: Glen Perkins, huh? We want to win the division, right?

RK: Well of course, but they want to save Johan and get this guy some pitching in. I'm OK with it.

WV: Perkins is an outside threat to make the starting rotation next season too. Good experience for him.

RK: I hope he does. Better option than Rocket Bats.

WV: And anybody who can strike out Jim Thome is OK in my book. I dare you to anagram Glen Perkins. I say, it can't be done.

RK: Oh it's on, slim. Leek Spring.

WV: Nice. On an unrelated note, the Twins continue their offensivefutility.

RK: If the season were a week longer Barlett would lose his .300 season.

WV: Well, at least the Royals have closed the lead to 5-4.


RK: And AJ strikes out yet again.

WV: On three horrible pitches.

RK: Of course.

WV: I wonder when the last time was a contender utilized so many players who began in the low minors.

RK: Is this an Aflac question?

WV: Just curious.

RK: It's not what you expect from the top hitting team in the league.

WV: 2B by LRod on the E8.

RK: Breaker breaker 4-9. 10-4 good buddy.

WV: Well, good thing they'll strand him.

RK: I stand corrected. Or sit.

WV: Dimples: Not a piranta. Are there any textbooks on baserunning I can send to the Twins?

RK: We could write one, but it'd be hypocritical.

WV: And ignorant.

RK: This Perkins kid can pitch.

WV: He sure can. He's pitching like he wants a spot in the rotation

RK: He's no Rocket Bats.


WV: So..blogging the last few games has been like waiting in line at the DMV.

RK: But we're troopers.

WV: KC's got runners on the corners with 2 outs in the 9th. It all hinges on Angel Berroa. Uh oh. Leave it to the Royals to have only 4 runs on 13 hits. That's a line only a Twins fan could love.

RK: Keep rolling, V. I like it.

WV: And I like Rondell.

RK: Good style, good guy. And the LFE comes in to pinch run, yet again.

WV: When's the last time Rondell got to use his hoverboard on the bases? I mean, if he never got hits the LFE would never get in games.

RK: And KC ties it up!

WV: A Phil Nevin sighting.

RK: Damn, you said that too loud!

WV: Bases juiced for KC

RK: Jeter 2 for 4, .341. Cano 1-3, .342.

WV: Mauer's gotta pick it up. And so does the Pear King.

RK: Is that MacDougal? He'll give up the hit.

WV: And KC fails to take the lead.

RK: We can sympathize.

WV: And the Twins also fail to capitalize.

RK: I'll never object to McDougal being put in a game against us.

WV: Except for this time.


WV: In a losing and generally melancholia-inducing effort, Perkins has been a ray of optimism.

RK: You're poetry in motion sometimes.

WV: Let's see who the Twins put in to get the third out.

RK: And it's ultraviolet

WV: Automatic. Especially with Anthony John at the plate.

RK: Or cough up an RBI single.

WV: Shit.

RK: Let's just hope that KC can complete this miracle and win.

WV: But enough of scoreboard watching. This is about dignity and playing the game competently.

RK: I mean, I never thought we'd sweep, but with Silva and Baker slated to start... uh, y'know

WV: Right.

RK: How does AJ get a stolen base?

WV: Something is amiss in the universe.

RK: When you're giving up steals to AJ, there's zero dignity involved.

WV: But at least the inning is over.

RK: 3 runs against Jenks? Y'know, I've always thought he was something of a fraud.

WV: Hold up a picture of Jens and Uri Geller, and I can't tell the difference.

RK: Punto does his job.

WV: And then some, with the SB. Take that, AJ.

RK: Whoa, weird call at the plate. He so went there, but alright.

WV: And KC takes the lead

RK: Do you feel the magic?

WV: KC now up two.

RK: Back to back jacks.

WV: Do soemthing here LRod.

RK: I like the battling here. And I remain optimistic.

WV: Works the walk.

RK: Now Mauer is up.

WV: If there was ever a time for Mauer Pauer...

RK: Bert just said "Alexi Castillas"

WV: Wow.

RK: And that's a shame...

WV: Cuddyer?


WV: We mean that in a good way.

RK: Absolutely!

WV: Batting race will come down to the wire though.

RK: KC now up 9-5

WV: Take him deep Justin, end this mofo.

RK: Or we'll wait and see how Hunter does it

WV: So it's down to our MVP of September.

RK: Well, it comes down to the Lew Ford Experiment.

WV: This iteration may overload his flux capacitor

RK: The LFE walks.

WV: Luckily, we don't need a HR from Phil Nevin

RK: Hopefully, he can just do something.

WV: Or not.

RK: Dammit.


RK: Well, Phil Nevin continues to perplex me. Not so much him but Terry Ryan's decision to take him on.

WV: Even so, it should never have come down to that. We can't have an oh-fer from our M&M boys.

RK: That was so close. We can't say the Tigers haven't given us ample opportunities to win the division.

WV: KC pulls off a miracle, but this was still a little crushing.

RK: It seems unlikely that the Tigers will lose the KC series and the Twins will win both against the White Sox.

WV: It's OK, it's purely academic now anyway.

RK: Still, I wonder if Phil Nevin confronts the question, "Why am I here?"

WV: And not in an existential sense.

RK: No, in a purely, "Why am I here in the Twins dugout" sense.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Put Out An APB, The One-Armed Man Is On The Loose


RK: I've pretty much given up hopes of winning the division. It would take a White Flags sweep, and for KC to steal a game if the Twins win tonight. I'm pretty sure the Tigers have only dropped one to KC all season.

WV: The odds are not in our favor. Especially with Carlos Silva scheduled to pitch one of those 3 against the Flags.

RK: Right, so let's focus on the real story here: the return of Brad Radke. And no matter how this start goes, it's a triumphant return.

WV: Yeah, but I don't want to see him go all "Sweet Music" Viola on us.

RK: You want to know what's funny? The frontpage says: "Trailing the Cardinals by 3 1/2, all the Reds and Kyle Lohse can do is win - and hope." Yeah, good luck with that one, guys.

WV: Believe me, that's not all Kyle Lohse can do.

RK: Oh dear, there's going to be recaps and flashbacks. This could get emotional.


RK: And two pitches and one out later, his fastball looks about where it should be.

WV: Radke will win this game.

RK: I'll second that prediction. You can see it in his eyes. He's going to win this game.

WV: It'll add insult to injury. The Royals are already terrible and--get this--George Brett's bust was stolen from Cooperstown. So even the good memories are being erased. If somebody doesn't contract them they're going to contract themselves.

RK: It's good to hear the fans cheering on Radke with every pitch he throws.

WV: The stiffs in Pohlad's office must be eating this attendance boost up.

RK: Double play!

WV: I'd say something about Silva...

RK: Perhaps Viva Rivas is right, and we're being a little too hard on the guy.

WV: Maybe.

RK: Hm, Luke Hudson. Sounds like an extra from "Party of Five"

WV: An ex-boyfriend of Shannon Doherty. Puntito is reverting to his 2005 "I can hit homers" self

RK: Hey, he's due!

WV: And a close play at first! Just give it to him, Blue!


RK: Bradke is on a pitch count of about 60-70, and it feels that he's thrown about 9 so far.

WV: What the...

RK: Yeah, Sinn Fein misplayed that ball.

WV: I suppose that'll happen every so often.

RK: That's OK though. As far as I'm concerned, this is all part of Ragnarok. Radke will win the game because Brad has decided that he wants to. It's really as simple as that.

WV: That ball was right on the line.

RK: That's a tough run to take, earned or not.

WV: The offense better show some signs of life here in the bottom of the inning.

RK: They've got to go win it for Brad.

WV: I wonder what the Pear King did to never deserve the day off.

RK: He'll probably get one tomorrow.

WV: Gardenhire: "OK Jason, you're going to play every game back in which you underachieved in the last two season."

RK: Cuddyer has already gotten out. But he run the Roberto Clemente award, so hell of a guy.

WV: Could be a little more patient with Hudson on the mound.

RK: And Morneau grounds out.

WV: The Twins, they're not so hot against the Royals this year.

RK: That is a supreme understatement, my friend.

WV: Another 1-2-3 Twins inning.


RK: You know what Brad needs? An anagram.



WV: Sounds menacing.

RK: And not quite true, with his perfectly coiffed hair and carefully grown and managed sun-kissed stubble, but it works.

WV: "Gee thanks for pitching with a broken shoulder Brad, oh, you wanted run support? Hmm. I'll get back to you on that."

RK: This isn't New Britain, Alexi, they run to first base here, son.

WV: Radke's got that "If I weren't pitching, I'd be hitch-hiking right now" look

RK: Or a "fishing in Florida, a little bit tipsy, wearing a tackle jacket, board shorts, and sandals"

WV: And a 1-2-3 inning. On the good side of the inning

RK: Quick, grab a camera before it disappears!

WV: And like everything else, so fleeting, so fleeting, and gone into the ether forever.

RK: And the seventh Twins out recorded. In a row.

WV: Why are the Twins so baffled by this team?

RK: And Luke Hudson's perfect game is broken up.

WV: How many times do you think that's been said for him in the third inning?

RK: I imagine about as often as someone tells us they like our personalities.

WV: White Flags off tonight... nothing new there.

RK: John, thank you for the flatter. Goes right to our heads y'know.

WV: Our heads are already bigger than Kevin Mench's melon.

RK: Nicky Punto might just not be sure what to do with himself leading off.

WV: I think Tyner's path to cutting Henry Aaron's lead to 754 is through inside the park...jacks.

RK: At this pace, he'll only have to play for infinity years to break the record

WV: But he'd play to infinity with heart.

RK: Don't go into LFE territory.

WV: Someday we'll have to publish a glossary for all the names we call these guys.

RK: We might have time during the bottoms of the innings if the Twins could do anything against this guy.


WV: I'd like to see Sweeney lay a bunt down.

RK: I'd like to see Sweeney curse. Out loud.

WV: Punto could take a smoke break and still get Sweeney by a few strides.

RK: How blue collar.

WV: The BB from Radke is sad to watch, but you can't hold it against him.

RK: Right, I mean it's a miracle he's even out there right now, he's allowed to dance around hitters who can hurt him, especially if he can get a double play out of the deal.

WV: Speak of the devil.

RK: We're like Tenacious D, schooled by Satan.

WV: No, double play, jackass.

RK: And a strikeout with 50 pitches through 4 innings. This is a lot more than I think anybody expected out of him.

WV: And it turns out Casilla plays a decent infield.

RK: Casilla hits!

WV: First career.

RK: Only seems right, after they've had 15 guys get their first career hits agains us.

WV: Apparently he flies around the basepaths.

RK: Like the Rivas of old, before his toenails hobbled him?

WV: Royals trying to exploit Casilla's inexperience there. They've got quite a bit of experience with that themselves.

RK: You literally just blew my mind.

WV: Dammit, Joe.

RK: The GIDP will not help you attain your birthright.

WV: Good thing Mauer did it before Dimples got the chance to.

RK: That was cold.

WV: And he comes through with a single.

RK: That ball had its very own seeing eye dog. One of Phil Nevin's, I think.

WV: It's good to see Morneau hitting the ball hard, even if foul. Be nice ot see one in fair territory, but we can't have nice things, can we?

RK: Good to hit a ball fair? Thanks for the hot tip, Quincy.

WV: Juuuust missed it.

RK: I'm glad Dick isn't like the Cleveland announcers who make every fly ball sound like it's a 900 foot home run.


RK: Shockingly, I'm not worried about the leadoff runner being on, with how good Radke's been about getting DPs.

WV: I still can't get over how well he's pitching considering his labrum was torn and his shoulder was broken about a month ago. 2 weeks ago he couldn't so much as lift a cup of coffee.

RK: Yeah, I won't even play Ultimate Frisbee if I have so much as a papercut.

WV: You probably wear Birkenstocks too.

RK: Only 57 pitches through 5? Give this man the 6th inning. You know he wants it.

WV :But Neshek's up

RK: Don't want to take their chances, but it's still a hell of an outing. It'd be too bad if the Twins couldn't pull out a win here.

[We apologize for those following the game in realtime. Blogger is being a horrid beast and not letting us update for some reason. Hey, it's out of our hands people]

WV: Right. So....I'd rather not let Radke lose his last regular season start.

RK: 2 outs already.

WV: I'm about to lose it here. This is fucking ridiculous.

RK: Radke's on the hook, and the offense ought to be ashamed of themselves.


WV: OK, it's time for a rant here. Let me just clarify that this is the anger talking here.

RK: I'm mixing my own anger salad with a dressing of righteous rage. And sliced tomatoes of indignation.

WV: These are the guys entertaining thoughts of playing the Yankees? In the postseason? Without homefield? They'll get slaughtered.

RK: Look, I know we're all super pumped that you're in the post-season, but guys, you have got to swing the bats and put some crooked numbers on the board.

WV: But Neshek looks good. I hope these guys give me a reason to eat my words in the bottom of the inning.

RK: Honestly, get your man off the hook.

WV: You'll never guess what

RK: What?

WV: Groundout by the Twins.

RK: You're kidding.

WV: Believe it!

RK: A great play, and another out.

WV: It's that kind of night. Most depressing game ever. Basically, KC should call in the other 7 players and have Hudson make every out.

RK: And blogger is being a punk.

WV: And the K to end the inning. Why not.


RK: I like this Neshek cat. He might be a good addition to this team

WV: I just had visions of him flirting with Paula Abdul as a surreal animated kool kat.

RK: And why wouldn't you?

WV: Strike 3. The pitching has more than done their job tonight, guys. I implore you, once again, score some damn runs.

RK: There's no reason not to. You know you want to. I'll buy you a pizza.

WV: nate p, you must not be aware that KC's owner erased Saberhagen's memory after he stole Brett's bust.

RK: And Mauer's 0-3. Dammit.

WV: The internal collapse of KC is proscribed in Ragnarok.

RK: Morneau, it is your destiny, your duty, your obligation - to drive Mr. Cuddyer (and if you'd like, yourself) in.

WV: Or a line out to third.

RK: This is really frustrating.

WV: Can Torii make my night?

RK: Let's not get our hopes up.


WV: Hudson has an ERA of 5.12, by the way.

RK: But what does it all mean, William?

WV: Try to imagine Silva and Gomorrah doing something similar and then the magnitude of the Twins' futility will be clearer.

RK: Oh, now I understand! (Coach Z reference anyone? Ha? Ha? )

WV: And the Crainadian is in.

RK: And he's a-fireballing.

WV: If the Yanks get no hit by a team with 90 losses I'll feel better if we lose to them.

RK: Making preliminary justifications is a dangerous path to tread down, my friend.

WV: Again, nothing would make me happier than if Jimmy Gobble got into the game.

RK: Nothing would make me happier right now than a double play.

WV: Dennys Ultraviolet Reyes up.

RK: Looking well-fed as always.

WV: Of course Cano breaks up Cabrera's no-hitter.

RK: Of all the people...

WV: Basically, one of the darkest days of Ragnarok.

RK: And Ultraviolet's in.

WV: And out. Must be a buffet somewhere. I kid, Dennys. We only kid people who are lights-out.

WV: Remember when people stood on second base? Those were fond memories.

RK: And when Rondell White was having a resurgence? That was fun, too.

WV: My spirit is basically broken.

RK: Yeah, I definitely feel like Psalm 148 right now [Robert has no idea if that's a lament Psalm, but it feels right]

WV: We'll see how many of the Twins actually remember we're in the playoffs come next week.

RK: I feel like a dominatrix has me tied up and is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals with her leather boots on. Not that I know what that's like...

WV: And you're mumbling the safety word but her leather mask is on too tight and she can't hear you.

RK: And then you have to go the hospital

WV: I'd say the Twins were pulling a Blyleven here but it's hard to do a fucking thing over again when you've pretty much done nothing.

RK: Fair point. Another 1-2-3 inning. Let's go to the ninth.


WV: Willie Eyre-in go bragh! isn't in so they must have at least a passing interest in winning.

RK: But it's Rincon so... lukewarm.

WV: I've basically spaced out in front of my computer screen. My only recollection of the past 2 hours is a jumble of lazy pop outs and GIDPs.

RK: Do you ever feel like your life is an unending waking nightmare? Sometimes I do. Becuase Rincon does the leadoff walk routine.

WV: And then gives up the hit to Mike Sweeney.

RK: My stomach feels like Silva.

WV: KC has 5 shutouts.

RK: How many against the Twins?

WV: 2 of their 5.

RK: 40%?!

WV: In line for 50%

RK: God

WV: How about this: We bench every Venezuelan not named Santana for the playoffs.

RK: I like it.

WV: I'm not even upset about this, any kind of excitement from any side is welcome at this point.

RK: I'm with you on this one.

WV: But they escaped the jam!

RK: Still down one. Settle down.

WV: Nathan up in our pen, wishful thinking I say.

RK: It's just not in the cards.

WV: It all comes down to Mauer.

RK: We are not destined to win the division.


WV: Mauer dug down deep, strapped on his Viking helmet and went to work.

RK: To the 10th!



WV: Free baseball, free blogging. Enjoy.

RK: No more base hits now, Twitch and Pitch.

WV: T'would be a real shame if your first loss of the season came against these sad sacks.

RK: Good point.

WV: Dayne Perry on made the point that the Twins should want to play the Yanks in a 5 game series rather than in the ALCS when it goes to 7. Has some merit huh?

RK: It does.

WV: We can't really trust Detroit to beat them while we play Oakland.

WV: This 3rd base ump is pissy he's missing ER.

RK: True, but I still believe in wanting to win every game

WV: It's a good attitude.

RK: Come on Nathan. I'd like to not get to Sweeney so getting this guy would be lovely.

WV: Yahtzee! Now let's win this thing.

RK: I'm sick of burning the bullpen

WV: As am I. Hopefully Morneau can take care of that.

RK: DeJesus strikes again.

WV: We've got to stop fucking with this guy.

RK: I owe Rondell a pizza.

WV: And the Lew Ford Experiment shifts into running mode.

RK: Transform!

WV: Tyner though...Wow. Why don't we intentionally walk somebody who's never hit a home run. That's garage logic.

RK: IBB? Hahaha

WV: Suicide squeeze. Wait for it.

RK: Or sac fly to center, I'll take it.

WV: Partido cumplido. Twitch and Pitch improves to 7 and 0.

RK: I love this game. It made all the suffering through the first 9 innings worth it. Honorary win for Radke.


WV: Stage 2 of Ragnarok is one game away.

RK: Hopefully these same Royals can continue their '27 Yankees impression at least one more game.

WV: It's time to ascend to where they deserve to be

RK: Yankees first round, Yankees second round, I don't care

WV: It's all proscribed anyways. Taking 3 of 4 from KC, even looking lackluster in doing so, is still something.

RK: Radke looked great. I hope he can pitch in the postseason. Then it's a no-doubter. This man deserves a ring.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


The Upside of Being Incorrect


RK: I want to address iowanianerins's comment. Yeah, her predictions are often wrong, as are ours.

WV: Oh yeah, nothing we say is true.

RK: But that could be a good thing. Remember Laocoon? Warns the Trojans not to take the horse, and Poseidon shuts him up Jersey-style by sending serpents to drag him and his sons into the sea.

WV: There's got to be a moral here.

RK: The squeaky wheel is the first to be replaced. And if you're wrong all the time, nobody takes you seriously. It's those people who are constantly right and so "listen to me I'm so right and I'm in-your-face-about-it," take it in stride. Someday serpents will eat them.

WV: Is that part of Ragnarok?

RK: It can be.


WV: Wow, Silva's making some quick work of these guys.

RK: Does he know that this is a meaningful game? Surely if he did, he'd be giving up doubles right now.

WV: Let's hope nobody tells him.

RK: And also let's hope that Redman isn't Whitey Ford against the Twins like he usually is.

WV: Hm, the Lew Ford Experiment is batting second. They'll soon find that performing the tests under a new paradigm will reveal great disappointment and anxiety.

RK: Wait... donde esta Castillo?

WV: Hmmm

RK: Good to see the Antichrist from Kalamazoo and his minion are both oh-fer.

WV: And some almost homerun style Mauer-Pauer to center scores Punto.

RK: Cuddy is baffled again by non-fastballs.

WV: Morneau will drive in Mauer.

RK: Stone.

WV: Or not.

RK: No sea snakes at least.


RK: Silva gets off to a fast start and then of course hits a batter.

WV: This would be where it "all falls apart"

RK: I'm convinced that Silva has a gentleman's agreement with Santana (all Venezuelan agreements are gentlemanly. And full of fiery passion!) that he will not suck. If Johan can battle back, Carlos can at least try.

WV: Here's to Costa not costing us a run. I am so alone.

RK: The last man. You should be in an avant-garde graphic adaptation of a Kafka novel.

WV: The one with the spiders or the one with the feds?

RK: What's the difference?

WV: Touche.

RK: Not bad for Silva. The HBP doesn't come back to haunt him.

WV: Toronto's up 3.

RK: You know what's nice about spaghetti?

WV: What's that?

RK: it's so simple, and yet so delicious that you think, "Wow, I'm an amazing cook!" when all you did was boil noodles and heat up some sauce out of a jar.

WV: Right. Then you put on a mountain of parmesan cheese and you're a regular Emeril Lagasse.

RK: I'm more of a Bobby Flay man myself.

WV: So Redman and Silva have pretty much identical ERAs, 5.85 and 5.88 respectively. Both have 10 wins... So logically, Silva is traded to KC after the season.

RK: Oh, I'd think we could do better than that on the trade market.

WV: I'm a Sophist. Deal with it.

RK: Rondell's genuflection pays off, and he singles.

WV: Wow, you'd think that was Silva out there, getting that double play turned.


RK: The White Flags are winning! Enjoy your empty victory, South Siders! Play real hard for mommy!

WV: Enjoy that Thome trade, everybody! Looks like it's paid dividends... to finish in third place! They're like the sort of pretty girl with a lazy eye but her parents have money - of the AL Central.

RK: This analogy is starting to make me feel weird.

WV: I don't want to say anything.

RK: Me either. Ever. Wait, what are you talking about?

WV: This might be vintage 2005 Silva. It is after the first 2 innings.

RK: And then he fucks with DeJesus and it's all tied up.

WV: He shoved the gun up Silva's arse and pulled the trigger until it went "click." And then he settles back down. How hard can it be to score runs off of Redman? Oh hey! I see Berroa's playing. Must not have ruptured his Achilles tendon shopping at Southdale earlier this afternoon.

RK: Oh Punto, you are just a terror on the basepaths! Inducing a balk.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment is battling up there. With heart.

RK: Toronto up 4-rip.

WV: Ah hell.

RK: You hate to see when that happens to the hit and run. But you can't blame anybody. It's like when a childhood friend dies. Everybody says you can't blame anyone. Sometimes line drives are caught, and Ford just keeps motoring into the dugout.

WV: No matter how much you want to blame Lew Ford for the former and God for the latter. Anyway, you think they just take the Lew Ford battery out after the game and put him in a broom closet? Proving the artificial intelligence lags in development, he often is incompetent, ironing his shirt while it's on and such.


RK: I'd love to see a Lew Ford short-circuit.

WV: And Silva keeps hanging breaking balls.

RK: And even the sad Mike Sweeney hits them out of the park..

WV: Silva must've accidentally overheard somebody mention the Tigers score. And like that, the game's on the line, he fails to rise to the occasion.

RK: He and ARod would get along famously.

WV: I mean Christ. I think Sweeney by now is missing several vertebrae in his back yet he has no problem knocking one out.

RK: He's actually now classified as a sea anemone.

WV: Thank God we got Punto along with Silva. If I wanted a homerun machine, I'd take Eric Milton. At least he's left-handed. And not fat.

RK: And he threw a perfect game to Terry Steinbach. That's quite an accomplishment, no matter how things go in Cincy.

WV: This is what we need, Carlos. A meltdown against the worst team of the last 20 years.

RK: I know you can't win them all. But you can and should win them all against the Royals.

WV: He's like my blender. Even though it's taxonomy is Blender, since it's from the early 90s it's really just a chunk of machinery.

RK: Well, Guerrier's up at least.

WV: Man, the Royals should call up Hocking. He'd probably hit one out.

RK: Probably.

WV: Do you think Tyner wishes he could dig in against Silva?

RK: It'd probably end the drought.

WV: What the hell?! Another basehit?

RK: That is 12 in a row.

WV: Honestly. It's as if I were to take a prelim with my students and score lower than they do. That's what this is like.

RK: Guerrier needs to get ready in a hurry.

WV: Another run in. Great.

RK: And Rondell makes the play in left look difficult and funny. We should watch that again but with Benny Hill music playing.

WV: What a depressing and utterly predictable turn of events.

RK: Jeter and Cano still oh-fer.

WV: All is not lost.

RK: Sea Serpents.

WV: Good to see the Twins rallying back from their 4-run deficit by quickly making consecutive outs.

RK: That wasn't quite the offensive output I was looking for out of the 3-4-5 hitters. Maybe in 2005, but not this year.

WV: Let's just hope Guerrier is ready.


RK: anonymous: Agreed. shelley: I'm glad even the Gentiles are saying "Oy." Or maybe you're Jewish, too. In which case, Happy New Year.

WV: If it weren't for Silva, Guerrier would never get into games. I think Matty owes him a watch or something. Or a handbook on how to throw sinkers.

RK: Perhaps Guerrier is making like a Beastie Boys song and doing some SABOTAGE

WV: Matt Guerrier as "Cochese"

RK: Christ, death by a thousand singles here. And the Toronto lead is down to 6-3.

WV: The Royals are a veritable stack of Kraft pasteurized cheese tonight.

RK: 6-1. Why not.

WV: And the leadoff walk comes back to haunt.

RK: Like that first-weekend-back-at-school rerettable hookup.

WV: That doesn't happen in Grad School.

RK: ...Exactly.

WV: Well, only one run given up by Matt "I have the stupidest goatee of all time" Guerrier. Silva would have coughted up half a dozen.

WV: Guerrier must be feeling the celebration. Silva is just the pure embodiment of suck this year.

RK: It's like how NyQuil tastes like a color. NyQuil tastes like green. Silva pitches like suck.

WV: My stomach feels like Silva right about now. I doubt Gordito can't even tie his shoes. He probably had Johan teach him the loop around the tree trick before BP.

RK: Johan has left the stadium to go hang his nationally proud head in shame against the backdrop of a nice sunset over the Mississippi.

WV: If I were Plato...

RK: And you are.

WV: ... I'd say his block of wax has been contaminated by rosin bags and cheetos.

RK: And of course the 2 out steal makes the final out. A 2 out steal when you're down 5 runs in the 5th inning? Really? REEEEEEALLLLLLY????


RK: Really, why did he run? What gives?

WV: Talent?

RK: Right. That's the point of departure.

WV: Well that was a nice ray of light, striking out Berroa.

RK: I'm gonna lay it all on the table - I like that album.

WV: I'm leaving that alone.

RK: Dick and Bert are talking about an accident in the booth, but they're not giving details. Did someone wet themselves?

WV: Oh Lord, Willie Eyre-in go bragh! is warming up in the pen.

RK: At least Derek Cano is 0-5.

WV: Finally, a 1-2-3. A little offense would be much appreciated. And Cano just hit a dinger, so that's that.

RK: Hm. Batgirl: We are also all verklempt over here.

WV: Damn Robinson Cano. Someone should spell his last name correctly and desert him on an island in the South Pacific.

RK: Whoa. Times outs! Did you all just see the Johan Fire Truck sighting? Did you see thd David Beckham jersey he was wearing? I have the exact same one! Johan and I are now BFFL.

WV: And then the pirantas go down on strikes.

RK: Yeah, but I'm still best friends with Santana.


RK: I love Irish people. But I am not a fan of Willie Eyre-in go bragh!

WV: Well your love of Irish people stems from getting blind drunk at McSorley's.

RK: True. Not very baseball related. But you should see the bouncers! And you get double what you order. Really, best place in the Lower East Side.

WV: So I bet "In mop up duty against the Royals" isn't a phrase uttered too frequently.

RK: Yeah, that's just depressing.

WV: Mauer Pauer.

RK: Right on the mark.

WV: Willie McGuinness, Mauer can't throw out all the baserunners to whom you give up singles.

RK: Whew, Hunter. Thank you.

WV: Hunter is all about Irish Liberation.

RK: Yep, Torii "Sinn Fein" Hunter, patrolling center.

RK: nate p: We agree. Willie Eyre is the new Aaron Fultz.

WV: Joe, way to protect your birthright.

RK: Does he have a scar somewhere on his body? Ladies, care to find out for us?

WV: And is this a rally I see before me?

RK: The enthusiasm: curb it.

WV: That was close to going out for the American League MVP.

RK: Sinn Fein strikes out and falls down. Yikes.

WV: And it comes down to White. Maybe Sinn Fein's got some Shin Pain.

RK: Wow, that made me groan audibly. That does not make me feel good about the state of the universe.

WV: Come on Rondell, genuflect or curtsy or do whatever the hell you do and get a hit.

RK: Smite the heathens!

WV: Mauer must've been flirting with a Miss USA candidate in the bleachers and missed that one.

RK: That, or Ullger told him not to go. Equally likely.

WV: Rondell, that bat is full of justice and good-naturedness that makes everyone love you.

RK: Still, must. not. get. excited.

WV: Rondell, like Sarah Silverman, knows that Jesus is magic. And by Jesus I mean field turf.

RK: A Phil Nevin sighting!

WV: Make like Baltimore and do something!

RK: Or weakly ground out.

WV: Shhh! You scared him!


RK: Man, even when Punto screws up in the field, he makes the play.

WV: Hm, Hunter's out.

RK: Punto = Rawling's Gold Glove.

WV: Eat it, Joe Crede.

RK: Rocket Bats must convinced the pen tonight that there's no such thing as a 1-2-3 inning.

WV: Berroa obviously doesn't know how to play nice. Must work for the Brits.

RK: That's why Hunter really left. He went to go put a pipe bomb in Berroa's car.

WV: Castillo, Casilla, the difference is one of those two makes that play.

RK: So long, Willie O'Shaughnessy. Keep fighting.

WV: Anonymous: Please reference "About Me" Near or Abouts the top of this thing.

RK: It's how northlanders do.

WV: Finally, something Casilla can handle.

RK: Thank you for not letting me see the Pear King make an out in the first 3 seconds of the inning.

WV: Punto, you just made me sad.

RK: The LFE can make something happen through the sheer will of his heart.

WV: Mauer is at .350, and the Antichrist from Kalamazoo and his minion are both out of the game. .340 and .343 respectively.

RK: The deep fly had me on the edge of my seat, and then, like everything else in the world, the inning ends in tears.


WV: Hey Casilla made a play.

RK: In Joe Mays's old number.

WV: You know, I liked Joe Mays. Damn shame that ulnar collateral ligament of his.

RK: Double plays are a beautiful thing. I have a tear.

WV: Who's Joe Nelson?

RK: A guy itching to blow a save.

WV: And Dimples does his part.

RK: That's what we needed.

WV: Hey, an error or a hit, we'll take a basrunner any way we can take it. That was like a nose tackle trying to intercept a pass.

RK: And the third Jason!

WV: I have a feeling we'll soon see why Kubel hasn't been playing.

RK: Very prescient. One more out. Let's see what the other part of the Triune Jasonhead can do.

WV: Or Mike Redmond. Everybody's getting a chance!

RK: Let's hope for good things.

WV: Or a called stirke 3 on a check swing.


RK: The weak checkswing to end the game is... unsatisfying.

WV: It is.

RK: At this point, can we say the race for the division is over?

WV: Tonight, Silva really pulled a Blyleven.

RK: I'll bet he said between innings: "I'm gonna have to do this fuckin' thing over again becuase I really FUcked this up"

WV: Silva earned his burial, and his removal from the postseason rotation.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


We Don't Take the Day Off, Either


Oh crap, here I thought I'd be able to skip the game because they all would and I had a political science department meeting with an open bar, but no, that's not how we do it in Minnesota. So sorry I forgot. Now let's watch Santana be incredible. Should be fun!


Starts off with a base hit? Don't do this to me, Johan.

Couple quick outs and that's more like it.

Did I mention open bar?

Half in the bag = what Robert's in.

2 quick outs? Pick it up, boys, this is the Royals you're playing. You're playing for the division!

See Joe Mauer that's what I-- oh, that's Redmond? Well that's pretty cool too. What do you know, still batting 3rd. I'm going to go ahead and blame this on Scott Ulger, Gardenhire must owe him a favor.

And Cuddy, I know it's kind of a nice problem to have, being stuck at 101 RBI, but come on now, you can break that barrier.


Good to see Santana striking some people out, but I don't even really like to see the singles. It's tough to say much when Santana's pitching, except to say "Yeah, he's pretty much pretty awesome." Clearly, the Venezuelan incarnation of Ragnarok.

I go to make a pizza, and suddenly it's over? OK, I wasn't expecting a left-handers duel here. Time to get down to brass tacks.


Johan, you know I don't doubt you, you know I never would, but um, these base hits you're handing out like candy? They make-a me nervous. I know you've had a long season, the weight of the world on your shoulders, carrying this team to where they are now. And you'll be getting your rest for the postseason, but it would be so much nicer for me, and if I may say, the fair people who read this, that you should just sit these baseball players down. If that's what those who play at Kaufman are still called.

And a K. Thank you, Johan.

And word that Radke is going on Thursday? This man is invincible. If my shoulder was broken I'd still be at the open bar. And most likely, I'd break the other one on the way home.

Royals ahead 2-0? I know I shouldn't panic, I know we're going into the postseason, and where's my tums? My stomach feels like Carlos Silva.

Ha, I think that should be incorporated into peoples' lexicons. "Dude, I drank too much. My stomach feels like Silva"

Hey hey Blue! Quit squeezing my boy! He knows Hugo Chavez! S'all I'm sayin'.

I'm not sure I've ever heard Dick Bremer more surprised than when he said, "And Ford wallops one, and gone!" I feel proud of the Lew Ford Experiment.

I just saw Jason Kubel in the dugout! Hmmm... what are you about, Mr. Kubel?

Whew, I'm glad Punto knew he had a hit. He was going to go Kamikaze headfirst-style into first otherwise, and we don't need a silly (see: Denny Hocking after 2002 ALDS) injury now.

I keep looking at this score in disbelief. Make it stop, guys.


Punto makes fielding third look like such a breeze. But it's all lies! It's a difficult position! Punto tells the noble lie though, not unlike in the Republic.

Nice rebound, Santana. Strong 1-2-3. You know what needs to be done for Ragnarok.

[Robert got a phone call from his mom. He stops blogging for very few things, and one of them is a phone call from his mother]

WV: Honestly guys, you don't know Robert's mother.

You can't bunt on Santana! And this is where I like to see him. 1-2-3

Tack on some runs, guys.

[more stuff happens]


Sorry guys! Apparently, the whole famn damily is trying to get a hold of me. Only my family could take me away from you lovely people. And it being tied 2 and 2, I'm kinda glad I'm not actually watching this thing.

I suppose this is postseason berth hangover, huh? Yeah, but it was pretty awesome last night, huh?

Anyway, after some offensive futility and a.. bunt single by Mike Redmond (QTF?), Cuddy is again befuddled by anything other than a fastball.


Johan is stil out there because he wants, and he deserves, a win. The offense had best pick him up. I'm looking in your direction, Morneau and Hunter.

Little Nicky Punto, if you don't win a Gold Glove, I will send you a solid gold glove.

Take the hits where you can get 'em, Mr. MVP.

WV: Let's get Cytana a win.

RK: He needs it. I don't like him being tied with Wang.

WV: Some small ball is in order.

RK: Or a Passed Ball.

WV: Wow, Morneau cannot run.

RK: He needs to lose the "I'm a piranta" mentality.

WV: And somebody fire Scott Ullger. Santana has pitched fine, but allowing 2 runs to the Royals is like Nebraska blowing out Sam Houston St. by only 20

RK: Yeah, you'd hope for better.

WV: LRod, proving he's superior to ARod, comes through in the clutch. That's right, I called you out Mr. April.

RK: And Cytana's in line for a win.

WV: It's nice that this whole go ahead run thing didn't come down to the Lew Ford Experiment coming through in the clutch.

RK: That's a Baltimore Chop, my friend.

WV: I like your style. Especially when fueled by free martinis.

RK: And it's a save situation for real for Mr. Nathan.

WV: It's go-time, bitches.


RK: oh my oh my oh my.

WV: I guess Joe would rather play catch with Torii Hunter than save the game. At least twitch n' pitch can still throw it to first.

RK: Is the ibb a good idea here?

WV: I think it is. But then again, it's this guy's 3rd career at bat. He ought to be mincemeat.
RK: He's thrown about 2 strikes in 18 pitches

WV: So..this is what the folks at NASA would call a quagmire.

RK: I think a strike out isn't unreasonable here.


RK: Let's hope that Nathan fucks with the Dejesus here.

WV: If Joe can get out of this they ought to bring in some more champagne to celebrate.

WV: Oh wait, it's the Royals.

RK: Get the K, Joe. Think of all the times Santana has given you days off this season.

WV: dig deep.

RK: John Gordon is showing an excitement that belies his even-keel demeanor and advanced age.

WV: Boof there it is.



WV: Santana could've taken this one off.

RK: But no, he wanted that damn win.

WV: And goddamit he got it.

RK: So for today, we're all JoJo's Niños.

Monday, September 25, 2006


Do You Feel The Earth Rumbling? Or Is That Just The Central Division Lead?


RK: You do my friends, because don't look now, but CWS is trailing The Team With A Racially Insensitive Name That Plays Near Or Around Lake Erie by a few runs.

WV: So we should mention the competing eschatologies.

RK: Right, Batgirl makes a good observation that De La Rosa (literally translated "Man of Wax") has an ERA that is also the mark of the beast, or 6.66. Keep in mind that his ERA will, after the first inning, go up. You heard it here first.

WV: I think Ragnarok wins here.

RK: Which is what religion is all about.

WV: And it's not a far cry to imagine Joe Mauer putting on a viking helmet in a place where a bunch of blonde-haired blue eyed people go to watch a team called the Vikings.

RK: So we've mentioned their pitcher. Who do we have?

WV: Bonser and Herzegovina.

RK: Freedom, bitches. Postseason freedom.


RK: Hm, Rondell is out with "leg issues"

WV: And a quick out.

RK: And two! Every time Bert has a flub, I get a little short on breath, like he's about to pull a Blyleven.

WV: Wait wait whoa [William needs to listen on the radio]. Does his hoverboard have issues?

RK: DeJesus, Boof, get this dude out.

WV: He obliges. He must have some pickled crawdads waiting for him in the dugout.

RK: Maybe Silva could learn a thing or two about ground balls from Boof. Sorry.

RK: Y'know, Dick and Bert, the Royals know they need lots of good pitching. You don't need to pile on.

WV: The leadoff walk will come back to haunt. His AL ERA is 5.32, let's see if the Twins can up it to 6.66.

RK: This number keeps coming back up... it's the apocalypse!

WV: No. Ragnarok.

RK: Right.

WV: Good job, Nicky. I was beginning to think that the .245 team BA in September was just way too low.

RK: The pirantas are feasting.

WV: And Mauer comes through with that sweet swing of his.

RK: And Castillo said, "Mr. Ullger, thank you for your advice, but I believe I will stampede home and score in accordance with the principles of Ragnarok."

WV: Hey everybody listen, we want a picture of Joe wearing a viking helmet. The bigger the better. Please make this happen.

RK: We'll buy you a pizza. Oh hooray, a Roy Smalley conversation.

WV: What, is Smilin' Brian on vacation?

RK: Or on a Born Again Baptist retreat.

WV: Leave it to Dimples to ground into the DP.

RK: And Cleveland tacks on another.

WV: Justin really is due right about now.

RK: To hit it up the middle into the shift the KC defense is employing, I'm sure you meant to say.


WV: Wow, being up only a run almost feels like we're losing.

RK: Yeah, that inning definitely had the potential to get all blow'd up.

WV: Cleveland's up 6-1.

RK: Y'know what else I'm rooting for? Toronto to overtake Boston in the standings. Nothing against the Red Sox, just that I'd like to see the standings shaken up a bit.

WV: And an out made in Cuddyland.

RK: Somehow he'll make that into a form of hitting into a DP

WV: Torii Hunter! Where have you been all my life?

RK: Pretty much doing that day in and day out.

WV: Oh.

RK: Sit down, Mr Costa! Bert, whoa whoa WHOA! Stop. I know you want the crowd to yell "Boof! There it is" after he does something praiseworthy, but it's not a good idea. Especially when you do it. Into a microphone. Where I can hear it.

WV: Very nice. So if you're setting the rotation for the playoffs, is Boof the number 2? We should maybe discuss this before his mastery of the woeful Royals clouds our vision and elevates expectations.

RK: Well, between he and Silva, it's tough. Silva has experience but is obviously not so hot. Bonser and Herzegovina has never been adequately tested. Put me firmly in the "Let's just hope Radke comes back" camp.

WV: Oh you are one irascible SOB.

RK: Oh that was a strikeout huh? Yeah, I guess it was.

WV: A Phil Nevin sighting!

RK: Shhhhhh (that never gets old, does it?)

WV: And the second out? Back to your hole, Phil.

RK: What, is he a trapdoor spider?

WV: Hmmmm...

RK: Two Ks for De La Rosa and sat down 5 in a row? QTF, hombres?


WV: Though striking out Jasonthing 1 isn't exactly like nuclear fusion here.

RK: Good point. Oh my God, the intro showed Mauer lazily lounging on the carpet and OH MY GOD HE IS SO SEXY! (Oh wait, that was my Quicktime getting all Janky Lo-Fi and restarting the whole damn broadcast. Still. Pretty pretty pretty pretty sexy.)

WV: And Cleveland tacks on another to make it 7-1.

RK: One down (and 3.6 to go - sorry)

WV: And two.

RK: As Bartlett's running away from the barrel of Berroa's bat, you can tell he's thinking "Good Lord, can you believe this shit? This thing's still coming after me! Hahaha, I hope nobody cool or famous is watching."

WV: He almost ended up in Tyner's arms.

RK: A tender moment. The Bartlett and Tyner families will be getting adorable Christmas cards this year.

WV: I like Boofarino when he's got that "let me strike them out to end the inning" mindset.

RK: Cleveland makes it 8-1. I like where this is going.

WV: 10-1 CLE.

RK: anonymous, we wish we were kidding you. Really.

WV: V. Rivas, believe me, I shake my head when Robert tries to translate Spanish. I'm getting a PhD in Spanish literature and this uncultured ass just makes stuff up.

RK: Hey, I know enough. I know it means "from the pink"... now.

WV: Which you could make the argument that we all are.

RK: In a purely biological sense.

WV: Little Nicky's got his big boy pants on today.

RK: 14-1 Cleveland. can we just put this one in the books?

WV: Yeah, I never thought I'd be happy about Casey Blake hitting a grand slam. Only because there's a 98% chance it would ordinarily come v. the Twins.

RK: John Garland, 5.1 IP, 8 ER. Very Silva-esque.

WV: Wow, Michael Cuddyer has really just kinda not looked good these past couple of games. GIDP and K so far. Pretty inauspicious.


WV: So Boofarino has a perfect game going.

RK: Shhhhhhhh. We mustn't e-jinx him.

WV: We mustn't. But is there anyway we can jinx Cuddyer into realizing he's in the batters box when those pitches whiz past him into the catcher's mitt?

RK: Diabolical!

WV: Oh God, we screwed it up.

RK: Sorry, Boof.

WV: Though the GIDP still make sure he's facing the minimum number of batters for now.


WV: Dan Gladden seems to think the Royals doth protest too much concerning striking out and close plays at first.

RK: Not from what I saw, but who am I to contradict Dazzle?

WV: You shan't. Then again, Gladden doesn't even know he's not in Baltimore anymore.

RK: They just combed his hair and pushed him out there... "Boy it's cloudy here!"

WV: 10 more feet, Justin... 10 more feet.

RK: Let's see if Torii can take an entire swing before grounding out.

WV: Well I'll eat those words gladly if you keep hitting doubles, Torii.

RK: anonymous; Yes, William and I would ascribe to your hypothesis. Being currently enrolled in a methods class, I appreciate the distinction between hypothesis and theory.

WV: Maybe I should criticize every batter before they hit. I'd like to see a Phil Nevin RBI here. As in Run batted IN by Phil NevIN.

RK: Torii steals third!

WV: Dear God, I hope Ullger didn't wave him home.

RK: Nevin walks.

WV: Probably smart move to do that.

RK: Jasonthing 1 throws down the metaphorical gauntlet to Jasonthing 2. It's a battle of the singles.

RK: Scott Baker looks sad in the dugout.

WV: His girlfriend of two weeks probably is going steady with the captain of the football team.

RK: And he probably understands that he's not going to be on the postseason roster.

WV: And Punto strands three. Hope you weren't eating the hubris after all!


RK: Oh Torii, it's OK, you can't catch them all.

WV: And the no-hitter goes away.

RK: I'm not nervous at all.

WV: A strikeout would be useful here.

RK: Boof knows what's up.

WV: Um... a strikeout here would be useful, also.

RK: And the one after that too.

WV: In fact, everybody from here on in.

RK: Good catch, Torii. Ha, Bert. I could never quit you. "Nick Punto's a cat, but Torii Hunter's just a bigger cat."

WV: And the catches are made and everybody's happy.

RK: My life is an unending waking nightmare.

WV: Right.

RK: Joe, remember how in Street Fighter II, when your friend would hit start on controller two of the kidney shaped Sega Genesis and it would go "Here comes a new challenger!" and then they would select Blanka and just hit punch over and over and electrocute your ass? Well here comes a new challenger to your rightful batting title, and it's in the form of Robinson Cano. Don't let him electrocute you.

WV: I'm just waiting for the requisite ten runs that the Royals allow every game.

RK: Yeah, I'm not sure how, with this lineup, they've only got two, but hey.

WV: Is it final?


WV: But the Twins must remember to keep their head in this game.

RK: Ragnarok is on like Donkey Kong!

WV: You must have played a lot of video games growing up.

RK: My share. Torii walks, and the pink wax man is out.

WV: And so is Phil Nevin.


WV: So that's 8 LOB now, huh?

RK: Yep.

WV: John Gordon keeps pumping up the "big series v. the White Sox"

RK: Poor guy.


RK: It's been proscribed in Ragnarok. Wait, how did Berroa knock that out?

WV: Isn't Berroa the same one who nearly went on the DL for walking around the Mall of America the last time they were here? Sprained his foot walking around or something?

RK: I have no idea, but I hope that's true.

WV: Well it is. I went and looked it up. What the hell kind of student are you?

RK: One with many technics.

RK: Nick; have you noticed I've referened Homestar Runner about 3 times now? If so, awesometime.

WV: Well both the Antichrist from Kalmazoo and his minion have finishes 2-4 on the night.

RK: Mauer's wearing the helmet. He know what is to be done.

WV: What?

RK: Um, you're going to have to watch highlights. Any self-respecting baseball show will show you how the Pear King sacrificed.

WV: Did he duck, in case the bat was coming after him?

RK: He probably reads this, and I won't get in the way if he wants to kick your ass.

WV: Right. But hey--Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden.

RK: Good point. A run would be phenomenal here. A little piranta action out of Punto.

WV: And Punto delivers. Definitely was not eating the hubris.

RK: Those big boy pants are here to stay. No more huggies for Little Nicky.

WV: And walking Mauer to get to Cuddy? Actually... I kinda understand that.

RK: Seriously, this guy can't hit anything other than a fastball.

WV: Cuddyland is like driving through Scranton. You do it to get to DC to avoid New York, but you have no intention of staying.

RK: And then he strikes him out with, of course, a fastball.


RK: I'd like to see Boof get seven solid innings.

WV: It's within the realm of possibility.

RK: And Toronto moves ahead, your hopes have come to fruition.

WV: 100 pitches for "John"

RK: Let's hope we get a one hopper to Bartlett.

WV: Bonser, you've done a hell of a job.


WV: Is responsible for the runner on first, but you know Reyes is going to squash Costa. Literally.

RK: And Reyes does the job, does like his ERA says he does.

WV: Bonser is much improved, especially later in games. Especially later in games. His ERA between pitches 76 and 90 on the season is only 3.18 (I love yahoo sports)

RK: And Torii just got himself a contract extension.

WV: Nevin's like, if my name had two consecutive i's I would have knocked one out too.

RK: Alack and alas.

WV: Well let's pack this up and get to the postseason.


RK: I'm just counting down at this point. 5 outs to go.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment sure requires a considerable amount of test runs.

RK: It's gotta be valid and reliable.

WV: I imagine the more iterations the experiment performs the more we're positive he can only hit fastballs on the inside part of the plate.

RK: Four outs to go.

WV: Neshek looks sharp.


WV: And the umpire graciously calls Mauer safe, letting him finish 2 for 3.

RK: He must win the batting title. Victory! (Hm, we're a little early for Entourage references)

WV: .349

RK: And Cuddy comes through and takes the extra base on a throwing error.

WV: Jusin Credible!

RK: Mor-yes! With Dye out of the race, how is this guy not MVP?

WV: We've only been calling it now for four games.

RK: This guy is in the top 5 in way too many offensive categories to not be the MVP.

WV: And in comes Nathan to fittingly usher in the second phase of Ragnarok.

RK: Deservedly so.

WV: Morneau now 11 RBIs from breaking the single season team records set by Killebrew.

RK: Unlikely.

WV: But the Royals are good slump busters.

RK: Good point.

WV: DeJesus proves that you shouldn't fuck with the Jesus.

RK: Gotta give up one hit.



WV & RK: People, there's nothing we can say. Enjoy the ride. RAGNAROK.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


Forget Homefield


Unfortunately, William's busy, so you're stuck with just me today.

Scott Baker, in pace resquiat

Bear with me, that was my first foray into html coding. Hopefully that's italicized.

It's not that I don't like football, I just don't like it as much as baseball, and in this regard, it's never made a lick of sense to me that a meaningless regular season football game is taking up precious postseason push baseball. Is the NFL unaware that this is Octoberquest? [property All rights reserved]

The upswing is that I don't have to run from my office to my living room to liveblog the games, since I don't have one of those fancy "AirPorts" and refuse to move my TV into my office, for two reasons. First, I'm that lazy. Second, pulling in a tv so you can rock out on the internet seems to approach a level of dorkiness that I'm not comfortable with. Yet.

Bold prediction: Today, both Torii Hunter and Justin Credible will go yard. Stone.

And finally, I agree with Batgirl, that we mustn't get caught up in this whole "Do you want to play the properly punctuated A's or the Jankees?" And conventional wisdom is that the Twins will never ever ever beat the Yankees. But screw that, we say. Do you think Johan cares where he pitches? We could put him on the moon, and he would throw 8 innings of 2-hit baseball (he was tired his last two starts and you know it - do you have any doubts about his reliability in the playoffs?) Effectively, we do get homefield, even if we're the Wild Card, and that's why: Johan pitching on the road is just as good as a home game. We should want to win the division for its own sake - not to avoid the Yankees. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!


After some good small ball by Castillo and Punto, we get some MAUER PAUER.

And then Torii almost adds to the fun with his career year, but not yet. Can't do it all at once guys. I understand.

Here's my suggestion: To save money, let Bartlett play both SS and LF; he goes deep in the hole anyway, may as well. I'm all outside the box in my economical thinking.

The following exchange may have happened yesterday:

GARZA: Scott, I think I'm just gonna throw some strikes, let my defense pick me up, maybe have a couple of 1-2-3 sub-10 pitch innings.
BAKER: Matty, what is this? AA? Listen, I'm 2 weeks older than you, so I know. And I've also had 5 more starts than you, so listen up - there is no such thing as a "1-2-3 inning" in professional baseball. Rookie.
GARZA: [under his breath] Or maybe you're just not that good.
BAKER: What did you say? You know how easily I lose my composure!
GARZA: [A steely stare, makes BAKER feel very uncomfortable]


Sometimes the Rondell baseball god genuflection doesn't work.

Another Nevin sighting? So soon after he bruised his wrist, or as he says "caught a stinger"? I'm just worried about you, Phil. It has nothing to do with your being not very good. Nothing at all.

Fun fact: 7 of the 12 people in Camden Yards are wearing Twins swag.

A couple singles, a couple stranded. That's alright. Even when the pirantas aren't firing on all cylinders, if they can turn it over the meat of the order, I feel OK with that.

Batgirl, I know, being a blogger makes me inherently dorky. But I'm also in graduate school and do crosswords and anagram for fun. I must resist the temptation to delve even deeper.

WV: We're not so much into turning double plays ourselves.

RK: Nobody in all of Christendom could have turned that DP. But hey, I like the way Castillo is playing here. Fielder's choice, but I like it.

WV: And Garza shuts the door by striking Patterson out.

RK: So far, I like what I'm seeing.


RK: It's so nice to not have to worry about Rocket Bats pitching.

WV: Is he done? Are we looking at a Radke or Perkins start?

RK: That's what I'm thinking. And that's what matters. Wow, they gave Mauer a hit? Hey, if it helps, it helps. He's back in the lead as the Antichrist from Kalamazoo fades.

WV: This isn't going to turn into an REM song is it?

RK: Are you being rhetorical? Is that me in the spotlight?

WV: More MAUER PAUER... to second.

RK: Apparently, the Pauer also hypnotizes second basemen to take their ginger time on the throw over.

WV: Balls off his bats are veritable lotus eaters.

RK: How prepare ye.

WV: Verboten!

RK: Macher!

WV: Slip 'n slide!

RK: You win. Meanwhile, Justin shows a good eye.

WV: And flares it to left center.

RK: The Twins fans are cheering louder than the O's fans. I love that.

WV: Torrid Hunter with 93 RsBI, fast approahing his own 30/100 guy.

RK: An embarrassment of SCORCHING OFFENSE!

WV: Let's see if White can exorcise Mendoza from his swing.

RK: Now the genuflection makes sense.

WV: E4. The problem now is of course that the bases are loaded for Phil Nevin.

RK: Wow, I had delusions of a granny, but I'll take the sac fly.

WV: Well let's see what Garza can do. His ERA is above 5 so you never know.

RK: But he's been getting better with each start.

WV: Right. Only 4.82 the last 30 days...hey it's something right. Small sample size, cut me some slack.

RK: He's got intangibles... wait, does that make him the MVP?

WV: He is handsome and has intangibles.... that about does it.

RK: And the no-hitter is broken up.

WV: Nice stirkeout.

RK: And good second out out in Cuddyland.

WV: Cuddyland - where lazy pop flys go to be stars.

RK: There's no football in the state of VA today, so his head's in it.


RK: Detroit draws first blood.

WV: You know, I don't even feel the need to report the White Flags score... It's 0-0 by the way.

RK: Detroit has the bases drunk with one out.

WV: But Sean Casey's up, so no worries. That may or may not be cancelled out by Ruffles Hernandez throwing. And by throwing I mean throwing his weight around.

RK: Oh you are just diabolical!

WV: By the by, the Twins go down 1-2-3. So who's going to put up more points today, the Tigers or the Lions?

RK: Oh, easily Tigers.

WV: Wow, how the hell did Rondell get that?

RK: I have no idea. Hey guys? Hey announcers? Hi, it's Robert. There's a baseball game going on in the present. I know the 1966 World Series was a special time for you all, but uh, can we wax nostalgic after the game?

WV: And a jack by Tejada.

RK: Tigers are up 5-0.

WV: I don't feel bad about Miggy doing it. At least it wasn't Chris Gomez.

RK: Right, I mean, after all it is Miguel Tejada.

WV: And Detroit up 8-0.

RK: And Millar is walked, eh? Hm. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

WV: Now with the invincible Patterson up.


WV: I've got faith in Fiorentino not coming through here.

RK: The anti-faith. DET up 9-0

WV: Oh for the love of all that is good and decent.

RK: I'm this close to rooting for the Tigers to break some kind of record here.

WV: I'm sure they're a ways away from that. I'm pretty sure the Royals have done this before.

RK: Your anti-faith in Fiorentino proves to be justified.

WV: Something about his .231 avg and name makes me think he's a mama's boy. I'm all about ad hominem attacks here.


WV: If it weren't for our specious reasoning, we'd be perfect replacements for Harold "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" Reynolds on BBTN.

RK: I would give Kruk blunt force trauma to the back of his head with my chair.

WV: Maybe Morneau really is trying to become a piranta. with all these singles replacing dingers.

RK: I'm going to give him a break here. He's hitting what they're giving to him.

WV: And Torii Ks

RK: The middle of the inning, with storm clouds threatening.

WV: Metaphorically?

RK: No. Physically.

WV: Interesting.

RK: Some guy named Chavez singled.

WV: Who?

RK: Uh huh. Oh man, Garza needed that strikeout.

WV: Gomez must have heard my criticism of his strength. Too bad he's a weakling. Anonymous: we're unfortunately unable to watch anybody get circled. It's life in purgatory.

RK: And qob: Oui oui, I like how the kid got out of it.

WV: 5th inning in the books.

RK: Oh dear God, there's rain. Now I'm going to have a seizure.


RK: Safe to say Phil Nevin looked pretty stupid striking out there.

WV: To save time, he should have just gone to the plate, swung three times without having any pitches thrown, and then go sit down.

RK: And back to back.

WV: We're all just trying to get home here.

RK: A quick three up three down. Let's hope for the same from Matty.

WV: Seattle and KC making comeback efforts here.

RK: 2-1 and 9-2 respectively.

WV: And Miguel goes yard yet again.

RK: This guy's killing us.

WV: Let's hope Tejada only comes up one more time today.

RK: That would help. But I like how Garza follows it up with a K.

WV: He's definitely toughened up.

RK: Unlike Scott "China Doll" Baker.

WV: Oh shit. Patterson goes deep.

RK: The wind carried that out.

WV: I have the anti-faith that Fiorentino can take us to a rain delay.

RK: Rain delay or not, I think Garza's done after this.

WV: More or less a good outing if not for Tejada and Babe Patterson.

RK: Your anti-faith was misplaced, although the pitch looked awfully strike-y to me.

WV: Well Gardy's seen enough. And like most matters of faith, it's always inconsistent.

RK: nate p: Good point about Cano. The number of the beast is 2, and in a flattering mockery, Cano is 22.

WV: And Joowan's in. I don't know what to make of this.

RK: Oh God.

WV: Bullshit!

RK: That was a stirke if I ever saw one. I struck out a lot when I played and saw plenty more as an ump. That was a strike.

WV: But the out is recorded. Let's see if there's a delay.


RK: The game is delayed until at least 4:00

WV: According to accuweather:

"Doppler radar indicated an area of showers and thunderstorms extending from Harford County south into Baltimore and into northern Anne Arundel County. These storms will continue to push east across the northern Chesapeake Bay through 5 PM."

RK: Dude, have you ever driven across the Chesapeake? It's practically vertigo-inducing. Also, CWS up 5-0.

WV: Never.

RK: I'm telling you, at some point you'll think, "Did I take a wrong turn? Am I driving over the Atlantic Ocean?"

WV: Crabs are crawling all over your windshield, and out of your boxers.

RK: Well that can happen anywhere if you don't shower enough and hang around unsavory people.

WV: I've seen the Atlantic; it's a piece of shit. I was shocked when I learned that people actually go to beaches on it.

RK: It was hard for me to believe the Jersey shore was the place to be.


WV: More Mauer Pauer and we've got runners on the corners.

RK: Oops. Well, we're here now.

WV: And the Twins strand two. Damn.

RK: I don't like having to hold on to a 1-run lead like this.

WV: So neither Morneau nor Hunter could come through.

RK: Right.

WV: The Pear King has a wide range.

RK: Good glove out there.

WV: Even with that basehit, he's still a good shortstop.

RK: I'm tres nervous.

WV: Base hit.

RK: With Tejada coming up.

WV: Dennys "Ultra Violet" Reyes gives up a scorcher through the middle and he's out.

RK: Tejada, with two homers, is due to wrap into a twin-killing.

WV: I think we're going to see some Neshek action. He got Tejada out yesterday in a tight spot, so we'll see.

RK: I believe in Neshek.

WV: He fits into Ragnarok's scheme, whether you look at it as Norse mythology or a Scandinavian death metal band.

RK: Strike one.

WV: Strike two.

RK: Dear announcers, to say "The twins are looking for a double play ball, the O's are looking for a basehit" is about as obvious a statement as you can make. Check you facts sheet. Talk about the '66 World Series. Something. You may as well put John Madden in there.

WV: Full count.


WV: The strikeout and the throw from Mauer was a real beauty.

RK: Now go score. For my sake. And if not my sake, then Timmy's.


RK: Way to take one for the team, Rondell.

WV: Like the tides and the shifting sands, The Lew Ford Experiment is put in as a pinch runner for White.

RK: And Phil Nevin! You play baseball after all!

WV: I'll be more appreciative when he does that off of someone not named Russ Ortiz.

RK: I think that was supposed to be a hit and run.

WV: Let's hope so. It's bad when the throw is on a hop and you still don't have to slide.

RK: As Bruce Chen comes in, Mauer will hit a triple. Stone.

WV: Or fly out.

RK: 10-6 CWS.

WV: Not promising. Nor is the leadoff single for the O's.

RK: And Perkins out - Crainadian in.

WV: So we've gone from Dennys to Perkins. Is IHOP in the pen?

RK: One down.

WV: Putting in Perkins is like letting your 5 year old nephew play with your lighter. all the sudden he's trying to light the couch on fire and that's it

RK: Gotta be on the lookout for that kind of behavior. Maybe Perkins just needs a couple of good swats on the behind.

WV: Flyout to Cuddyville.

RK: It's a magical place in Camden Yards.

WV: End of the inning.

RK: White Flags are up 12-6.

WV: Beautiful.

RK: Bill, I'm not hung up on the fecklessness. Others have stepped up, so it's OK. Torii's been on a tear, and Morneau's numbers still look stellar. It will be all right.


WV: E6

RK: But hey, at least you have those home runs, right? Not a great AB for Morneau.

WV: No. I think he's nearing 90 ABs since his last home run. You know, everyone's all like, "But when he tries to hit home runs that's when he struggles." But that line of reasoning only goes so far. You still have to hit them. Some time. This century.

RK: Yeah, you could make the case that he's struggling now, but I'm not convinced. Look where his average is.

WV: And two quick strikeouts.

RK: That's what I like to see, boys! Let's get home as soon as humanly possible!

WV: Uh, Joe, gotta throw three strikes.

RK: No freebies here pal.

WV: Now THAT's strike 3.

RK: 2 down.

WV: And the K wraps it up.


RK: The White Flags won, so the magic number only goes down to two. Is it reasonable to expect, after seeing the Royals' performance against Detroit, that Minnesota can take half of those games?

WV: And there's good things to look at. After an awful April, the road record finishes up at 42-39, same as it was in '03.

RK: That's the old saying. Win half your road games and 2/3 of your home games, and you'll be in the playoffs.

WV: It appears KC has basically forgotten how to play baseball, so we can wrap this up quick and dirty hopefully in the next couple of days.

RK: Who do the Twins have going tomorrow?

WV: Bonser and Herzegovina.

RK: I like our chances. Especially against De La Rosa.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


These Things Come In Threes


WV: So today we have one of those delightful Scott Baker/Opposing Team’s Ace matchups, going up against Bedard who in the last 30 days has a 1.91 ERA and 2.68 since the All Star break.

RK: At least it looks like the White Flags’ are going to lose again today.

WV: They’ve sure taken to our nickname. Pretty soon they’ll be the White Frenchman, because let’s be honest, fighting them for the wild card is like trying to occupy Paris.

RK: I think you and I could take the Eiffel Tower with a swiss army knife and styrofoam cup in about 15 minutes.

WV: In all fairness, you and I would be lucky if we could take a free sample from Cub Foods.

RK: Let’s just hope for the best today, ok?

WV: You better be sitting down for this: Mike Redmond is batting 3rd. Again.

RK: Good lord. Would it hurt to move up Morneau or Hunter up to 3rd on days like today?

WV: And what an inauspicious start.

RK: A Nick Punto single! Take a lollipop on your way out.

WV: I promise that our criticism of Redmond was written before that goddam horseshit double play.

RK: File that one under the “What the fuck did you expect?” category.

WV: Seeing as how this game started just after 4:20, here’s hoping Scott Baker shows up and not Scott Baked. Because he has problems pitching without a visual impediment.

RK: He did pitch well in his last star....oop, there’s a smoking base hit. Delightful.

WV: Hey I remember Chris Gomez...way back from the dark days of winning division titles B.M.

RK: Before Mauer?

WV: Yeah. Those were some dark days. Rick Reed?

RK: Yeah all that winning sure did suck. I’m not sure how many strikes Baker needs to throw here before he gets a call.

WV: Lots of those to first here. Maybe they want to make sure Nevin still remembers what a baseball glove is.

RK: Godammit all. Memo to Twins pitchers: It’s not necessary to give up runs every first inning.

WV: You’d think Radke was starting. But another web gem from Castillo bails Baker out of the inning.

RK: I think he might be Baked.

WV: That’s my Cuddy bear working the count.

RK: A little DH action for Morneau today. Maybe he can hit a home run now.

WV: That would be quite an epiphany for one and all.

RK: But no, strike 3.

WV: Jesus jumped up Christ. Somebody fire Jerry White or whoever it is waving these guys on from first. Son of a bitch.

RK: Even if he was safe. Christ.

WV: Oh you, always stuck on irrelevant details. Hey, somebody send Rondell a pizza.

RK: And Nevin fulfills his role as “rally killer”.

WV: “Trade bust.”

RK: “Who’s that guy?”

WV: You win. Terry Ryan is a great GM but one of his strengths is definitely not knowing which washed up castaway veteran is going to have a late season resurgence.

RK: Baker with a strikeout. Pleasant surprise, not unlike when you find five dollars in your winter coat.

WV: Especially so for Dustin Pedroia. $5 is a month's worth of bread and vodka.

WV: I'll excuse Bartlett for that one in light of his recent play.

RK: Right, but somebody should remind Dimples how to play right field. The laziest fly ball on an excuse-me swing got by him.

WV: Didn't you know there's a new rule. No more 1-2-3 innings.

RK: Oh, it’s like a challenge on a reality television show.

WV: I just want to ask Cuddy how he can not get good reads on the ball when he plays at the Metrodome.

RK: And another Twins GIDP. They must lead the league.

WV: It sure feels like they do anyway.

RK: Why not

WV: They definitely lead the league in pissing me off.

RK: They also lead the league in giving me Anger Salad.

WV: 5 hits now, 1 run. At this pace we might pull out a win once we hit 45 singles.

RK: Perhaps the team is unaware that they have to be a little more proactive in this playoff push.

WV: Are all of the Twins’ batters bored? Why is everyone stretching singles into doubles, for better or worse?

RK: It has tended to be worse. But Redmond and his 3 career stolen bases reached deep down for some evanescent base running prowess.

WV: 2 runs on a Cuddy strikeout. This has shades of 2002 against the O's.

RK: Ragnarok, my friend, is what happened.

WV: For now, Justin Credible can temporarily be Justincredible.

RK: He sure can.

WV: If the Twins win and the BoSox lose, the Red Sox are out of it, so let's hope that happens.

RK: Right

WV: And if the Sox lose Detroit is assured a playoff spot.

WV: White Flags I mean

RK: Right

WV: Also, if Oakland holds on to beat the Angels, and the Twins win, they're out.

RK: Basically, if all the scores hold, the magic number is 2 with the White Flags.

WV: The Pear King makes up for his earlier troubles

RK: He definitely atoned.

WV: Which is good, it being Rosh Hashanah and all.

RK: Another dropped ball. Are they using trick baseballs or something?

WV: Or injecting error-oin.

RK: And the Flags go ahead. Might have to start calling them the Sox again.

WV: They probably didn’t want to call it, it being meaningful and all.

RK: Boy it is sure depressing having to root for Seattle and Kansas City. It’s like trying to will Ball State to a victory over USC.


WV: 11-7 Chicago.

RK: Oh Seattle. They cancel “Frasier” and you understandably go into a swoon. Poor town.

WV: Not even "Grey's Anatomy" has pulled them out.

RK: I think it's because of Patrick Dempsey.

WV: Baker needs to stoop giving up smashes on 0-2 counts.

RK: A triple with 0 outs, natch.

WV: Uh oh, another 0-2 count.

RK: And an RBI. Guerrier’s already up in the bullpen.

WV: McDimples sure is geting a workout today.

RK: And Baker’s already out.

WV: 2 out double rocketed down the right field line to Cuddyerland will do that to you. So there wwew rumblings that Perkins might get Baker's next start, depending on today and our playoff outlook in 5 days.

RK: I think the playoff berth is for all intents and purposes locked down. I think they ought to start Perkins anyway.

WV: Maybe it’ll fill more seats at the dome, former Gopher and all.


RK: Well, let's look at it this way: it's a whole new ball game... in which the Twins can strand two runners an inning and wrap into DPs.

WV: And if it weren’t for Gomez’s errant throw that’s how it would’ve went too.

RK: Oh, they’ve got plenty of opportunities to continue hitting into DPs.

WV: And the White Flags did indeed win.

RK: They did, but Torii comes through and puts 2 more up on the board.

WV: Yahtzee!

RK: He might just hit 30 this season, making this hoopla over Justin Morneau reaching the mark an afterthough.

WV: Hell, Hunter might end up beating Morneau for the team lead in dingers.

RK: Rondell inches a little closer to earning his paycheck, 3 for 3 now.

WV: Maybe seeing the Bitch Sox come back lit a fire under their arses.

RK: Best thing I've heard all day: "Russ Ortiz is warming up in the Orioles bullpen".

WV: Right, next to 2 runs scoring on a Cuddyer strike out.

WV: Guerrier really does look like a badger is attacking his chin.

RK: And he’s on the line for his first career win.

WV: Hey, maybe they should put Tyner in and see if he knocks one out.

RK: Walks probably won’t do it there Matty.

WV: Great play by Punto. Little Nicky’s been working on his barehand grabs.

RK: Unfortunately Guerrier hasn’t been working on throws to first.

WV: Not sure whether Tiffee coming in is an improvement or not.

RK: This has broken wrist written all over it.

WV: I didn’t realize that Ragnarok had such a long ending.

Rk:: It’s gonna take more than 6 runs to win here I think.

WV: Perkins up in the pen. Yep, definitely more than 6 runs.

RK: I hate slugfests. It didn't work in the Cold War, it doesn't work in baseball.

WV: Yeah, maybe they should break the Orioles up into multiple undistinguishable smaller nations. Azerbaltimorestan, for instance. They can all speak languages closely related linguistically to Oriolese.

RK: Well some Orioles owners might argue that the Balkanization began when the Nats came to town.

WV: Can I blame that horrible call on Castillo’s steal on the Washington Nationals as well?

RK: Punto gets punched out on a ball 6-8 inches off the plate.

WV: And then has the bravado to argue it.

RK: And just to be fair, he punched Redmond out on a ball equally outside.

WV: Honestly, this strike zone is the size of a Maytag box.

RK: What a long fucking game.

WV: Must be why the strike zone is the way it is. Wants to go home and watch Notre Dame or something.

RK: More like Brady Quinn State University.

WV: University of Too-Good-For-A-Conference Dame

RK: With Weis and Quinn though, ND has a powerful 1-2 Great White Hype combo.

WV: By the way, 1 out, bottom 6, LaTroy warming up.

RK: And we’ve got a LaTroy Hawkins sighting.

WV: The Latroy?

RK: Believe it.

WV: "Hey Latroy! Still think you're a closer?"

RK: More like a pandora’s box opener.

RK: But an inverted pandora’s box. Hope escapes first.

WV: How does Perkins look?

RK: OK until he hung a 2-out breaking ball that was laced into Cuddyville for a single. Gardy yanked him.

WV: An endangered and easily frightened creature, the elusive 1-2-3 inning lurks in the shadows.

RK: They're apparently going to try to get through the rest of the season without those.

WV: Maybe Cuddy is just so pumped about the Tech win he's just rampaging out in right.

RK: And no broken wrist on Nevin. So hopefully the Terry Tiffee Experiment will be short lived.

WV: I haven't seen any other catches made yet today, but Hunter just turned in Web Gem numero uno.

RK: You think he’s earned that contract option yet?

WV: It's becoming harder and harder to justify not re-signing.

RK: It’s frightening to think of Tyner roaming center field next season.

WV: And hitting .300 with 0 home runs and 9 doubles.

RK: With a .500 Looking Eccentric Percentage.

RK: Hawkins recently on the DL

WV: Apparently for "Goodness Delusion Disorder"

RK: It's a terrible affliction

WV: And in typical fashion, Cuddy bear pokes a single through the left side.

RK: After being befuddled by offspeed pitches.

RK: Seriously, ask your doctor about Derek Lowe disease.

WV: The Twins must think they're on a road trip to the Bush League because that was some awful baserunning just there for

two quick outs.

RK: And my thing is this: when they run out Russ Ortiz and Latroy Hawkins, and you don't score any runs, there's something the matter with you.

WV: Like herpes.

RK: Like herpes.

RK: They've done pretty much everything they can to lose this game.

WV: Right, and we're just letting them hang around.

RK: That usually doesn't end well.

RK: And apparently neither the angels nor saints can get Corey Patterson out today.

WV: And Tigers up 3 to 0 with bases loaded

WV: Fucking Mark Redman

RK: Hey man, you can't really expect much there and you know that.

WV: Wow that was a long fly out.


WV: And Rondell's average up to .244 after going 4 for 4.

RK: Yes and yes, I almost spit out my coffee when I saw his average.

WV: Love those double plays

RK :And I think that after Tiffee hit into the 6-4-3 he won't be seeing any playing time tomorrow.

WV Before tonight we were 3rd in the majors hitting into double plays.

WV: 4 behind Oakland, I imagine we'll be much closer.

RK: There have been 3 tonight.

WV: Wonderful. 9 to nothing, Tigers still batting in the first. 13 batters sent to the plate so far.

RK: Unfortunately Daniel that is the exact same Mark Redman who shut us out last month.

WV: Insurance runs are wonderful, unlike Mark Redman.

RK: Punto delivers.

WV: And I'll have delivered to him a pizza.

RK: I'll bet he likes his pizza small with a thin crust.

Wv: Punto is so hot right now

RK: Yes he is, he is quick to accumulate heat because of his smaller mass and surface area. And that's a true science fact.


RK: Scott Baked is now 28 years old and sooo lost his buzz.

WV: And more baserunning gaffes as Cuddy Ruxpin tries to tag up on a long fly from Morneau to second

RK: And is thrown out by a number of feet.

WV: It's like they are inventing new ways to get doubled up.

RK: Baltimore must be really upset that they are losing this one

RK: Also, add this as a reply to Daniel's comment; the ebb and flow of Mark Redman is hard to predict. But mainly it's the Twins' penchant for letting subpar pitchers look like Sandy Koufax (See: Cabrera)

WV: Agreed. But then today they beat up on Bedard. Go figure.

RK: And now we have the lew ford experiment

WV: Who knocks in Torri Hunter

RK: Well, if the Twins win this game, the Red Sox are out.

WV: I like the sound of that.

RK: Maybe it will put a damper on their hysteria.


WV: 19 hits, Christ. Could've used some of these last night.

RK: Time for Twitch 'n Pitch to do his thing.

WV: And Nathan demonstrates how a ensare the elusive 1-2-3 inning.


RK: It's time to talk about magic numbers. And with this win, it drops the Twins' to 3. And if we're on the winning end of Ragnarok, and we know we are, we have 4 games to get this number to zero so in the final game of the series, we can laugh in the White Flag's faces as we trot out, oh, say, Scott Baker to start.

WV: Who do the White Flags play next?

RK: They have one more against Seattle and then a 3-gamer with Cleveland.

WV: So, it's conceivable they could lose a couple too.

RK: Well sure, any combination would be acceptable, but it was imperative to get out of this mini-mini-losing streak (since numerically, 2 a streak does not make). It all goes back to being proactive.
The best way to work down the magic number is to win. That way you get one for sure, and on a good day, two.

WV: Conceivably, the first phase of Ragnarok could come to pass on Monday.

RK: Conceivably.

WV: The second phase would be division right?

RK: Yes, the first phase is the elimination of the Guillens. The second phase is the division. The third phase is the final battle in the postseason. So put on your viking helmet, Joe Mauer. Let's get to work.

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