Wednesday, May 30, 2007


The Baker Report: Bullpen Strong


Welcome everyone to what is Pulling A Blyleven's 100th post--yep, like the show 7th Heaven, we're inexplicably still around. We'll wait to pop the Dom Perignon, however, until we see the outcome of today's game. Today Jon Garland dons his ruby slippers and waltzes into Oz to face Rocket Bats and the pissed off Minnesota Twins. Here's hoping that the Cool Ranch-sized chip on everyone's shoulder translates into another bludgeoning in the runs column.

So if you're stuck at work and away from a TV, here we are. Pulling a Blyleven, ask about it at work. But don't ask about Geico, I hate that duck.


Speaking of ruby slippers, was anyone else aware that the Judy Garland museum is in Grand Rapids, MN? Was anyone else aware that there was a need for a Judy Garland museum? I guess you need things to do in Grand Rapids. As if the museum wasn't enough, there's also a Judy Garland festival, where I assume there's a quaalude swallowing contest. I didn't mean that.

I now see that there is in fact a Grand Rapids tourism site, which says that it's the 49th best small town in America to live in. Whoopdy didddly do!

I honestly can't watch these pregame introductions by Dick and Bert without thinking of, "oh, we're live? I didn't know that." That moment is likely the apex of Bert's career, and Dick wasn't even there to witness it. I get the feeling that Dick just misses a lot of exciting things, sort of like Jason Tyner and his quest for a round-tripper.

Anywho, on to the baseball.

Rocket Bats walks his way into trouble by nitpicking around a .220 hitter in Iguchi, but I'll forgive him. Giving up 1 run in the 1st was a lot scarier when the assbats were in full force.

Brilliant play by Cirillo to end the inning, hopping around 3rd base like his name was Nick Punto.


How about Kobe demanding a trade? Why aren't he and Lindsey Lohan dating?

Double play, inning over.


Listening to Bert's very reasonable analysis of what's wrong with Baker's curveball, I wonder why he's not a pitching coach somewhere. Or at least a curveball coach. Then he could be Jobu Blyleven.

The NIcene Crede: Thou shalt make Rocket Bats pay for his mistakes. I got a feeling, Scott, that today a hard rains a gonna fall.

Rondell White: 1 year, 2.75 million.
Darin Erstad: 1 year, 1 million.

Draw your own conclusions when you see Lew Ford playing left field or DH next.

Rocket Bats nearly gets his way out of another jam, but alas, Iguchi decided to ignore his putrid batting average and drive in 2 runs.


The game's so boring that Bert's eating cake on the air, spilling it on his shirt in the process.

Yes Bert, you are a p-i-g, pig, and I think you're the first announcer in the history of the universe to say that.

As Kubel strikes out, I wish Bert would talk more about pastries.

Cirillo, however, drives in Morneau, and now I'm considering getting a cake for myself.


Baker is so off today that the rocket bats are functioning backwards and forwards, taking out the umpire and Chris Heintz so far this inning on foul tips. Oh the humanity, now the Ace Hardware advertisement is bearing the brunt of the rocket bat carnage. Who, I ask you, who will pay Gardy to seductively bark at his wife now??

The hard rain is officially falling. Well, Baker has been off, but as Bert reminded us earlier with Boof, sometimes you have to let these young guys get hit around. Hmm..another hard single. Better get Rocket Bats out.

Jason Miller in the pen, Chris Heintz catching, Luis Castillo out...let's file this one in the "I was hungover, what do you want from me?" category.


2 guys on for Cuddyer, one swing and we're only down 2. Or, we're out of the inning on a double play. McDimples keeps us glued to the screen.

If I'm Garland, I'm not worrying about the double steals since A.J.'s not playing and there's nobody whose throwing arm demands the utmost disrespect.

Dick thought he heard a grunt on Morneau's big swing on Garland's first offering, really it was just Bert helping himself to more cake. P-I-G, PIG.

TORII HUNTER I'VE JUST KICKED THE HOLY SPIRIT OUT OF THE TRINITY AND INSERTED YOU! Sinn Fein detonated a lazy breaking ball from Garland into the left field corner, and now we've got the tying run at at the plate in Kubel. Yahtzee.

TOP 4TH, Bitch Sox Up 2

Baker comes out, and no coincidentally so do the rocket bats with an easy 1-2-3 inning for Jason Miller.

BOTTOM 4TH, Southsiders 6, Future Warehouse District Denizens 4

Not many players, according to Dick, have switched from the Twins to the Sox in the last 30 odd years. Here's why. You'd have to wear this logo for 162 games:

Oh, quick 1-2-3 inning for Ruby Slippers as well.


More decent pitching, Garland unfortunately settling into a groove.


Tag team...

And now you've got me in the bottom of the inning, down one, runner on third, two away. Out of nowhere, at Augusta, oh, he got a hold of that one! Oops, sorry.

By the way, did you see that awesome bunt from Kubel, Haterade?

Kris Hunts 57 manufactures the comeback! I haven't been that excited about a single to left in a while. Like, since yesterday, at least.

And the lineup will be turned over like a pastry, son.

Bartlett shows off some power. But just a little some. He'll be doing bicep curls in the dugout - settle down, Sister Jensen.


Let's hope the bullpen can be stingy today, we ask this in the name of the Father, Son, and Torii Hunter. I like the ring that has to it.

Guerrier wants nothing to do with Jim Thome. And I can't say I blame him.

Thanks Dick. Thanks for talking about how we'd only be four and half if we win and Clevelandia loses. Why are you doing this to me?

Well I have to say this was a good time to get off of work and watch the game. I can only imagine what it must have been like to see Rocket Bats pitching today.


See, this is the Twins baseball that I'm used to seeing that gets me into an eschatological RAGNAROK frenzy.



Dear Alex Rodriguez,

Watch Michael Cuddyer. That's how a real professional baseball player breaks up a double play without being a cheap dick.


Dammit dammit dammit.


In comes Death Metal. Back in a second, I have to go Aqua Net my hair and put on eyeliner.

Just another day at the office for Torii Hunter.

I could have sworn I just saw Neshek stick his tongue out and do devil horns.

I just saw 3 Web Gems that inning. I have goosebumps. For serious.


And then 3 quick outs? Guys, that's not how you come off such fielding prowess. I didn't even have time to think of anything pithy to say.


Hey, what does Darin Erstad go as for Halloween? A man without an upper lip.

Good sweet Lord, Kubel, that was not pretty. I hope you're ok, but man. That looked like a pork chop throwing itself against a wall.


WV: For now I'll excuse Rocket Bats giving up 10 hits in 3 innings

RK: Since they were the only 10 hits given up all game

WV: There's some logic to be concluded here...

RK: Poor Scotty

WV: He'll have to earn his Bitch Sox merit badge another day.

RK: There's a poetic moment for Tyner here

WV: As with Punto, he's a more effective hitter when he doesn't swing.

RK: Why does MLB Mosaic care that I've been inactive? And why does it use that as an excuse to boot me off? "Uh, you weren't watching that, were you? Let me turn it off"

WV: For serious. And then it takes for-f'ing ever to restart

RK: Nobody feels like swinging today

WV: Absolut Cintron: Don't drink and field.

RK: Tyner: sacrificing his body

WV: You can't beat that

RK: This is rich.

WV: So, we haven't had a sweep since the middle of April, I like our chances today.

RK: As long as the good doctor hits it hard, we win

WV: Shit.

RK: ...That was more anti-climatic than a drunk hookup

WV: Morneau's like, "here, I'll pop out, why don't you win it and make a few million more next year Mr. Impending Free Agent"

RK: So uh, you think Torii's gonna see a fastball on 2-0?

WV: Think he'll take here on 3-0?

RK: Bert says he "almost has to"

WV: This whole inning was anticlimactic

RK: That was... just... weird.


WV: I guess the ultimate retaliation is winning, so all is good on that front.

RK: And the Twins are in sole possession of 3rd place in the AL Central, and the Sox are an even .500. It's a good day

WV: Now we can pop that champagne, but since we're grad students we'll have to go with Korbel instead of Dom

RK: Happy 100 posts to us! Good taste echoes from the canyon (canyon), Corbett Canyon (canyon). Anybody remember that jingle?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Tuesdays With Meaurnie


WV: So you think there will be some A.J. retaliation tonight?

RK: I think Gardy will put this one in their back pocket and hit him in later in the season

WV: I'm starting to compare A.J. to Elaine's boyfriend on Seinfeld whose ex-girlfriends repeatedly try to stab and pour scalding soup on

RK: I watch in disbelief, because he was my boy

RK: And the AJ I knew would never have done that

WV: It's like when I saw David Hasselhoff's drunkenly fail at eating a hamburger.


RK: So Garland's pitching? I hear a lot of things about him, but I can't picture him as being the ace of a deck of cards

RK: I can picture him in ruby slippers though

WV: As can I. I can also picture him falling quickly from stardum into a drug induced tailspin.


WV: Funny how the Yankees guy is the biggest prick.

RK: If by funny you mean totally common sensical

WV: Bert was on a roll last game, my day is always a little brighter when it's our announcers.

WV: Erstad can get all the singles he wants, he'll never find his upper lip.

RK: What a good song that would be: "I left my upper lip in Jimmytown, ND"

WV: Well, that's one way for Gardy to get back at the umps, by having Punto throw at them.

RK: Huh, looks like Manu Ginobli over there flopping around in an umpire uniform

RK: Well, we all know that an economy of pitches is not the hallmark of Bonser and Herzegovina

WV: But I hear that a popular pastime in Sarajevo is walking.

RK: Bert is very astute to note that we need a ground ball here

WV: A.J. up, I bet they're not chanting "Boof"

WV: I'm happy this A.J. thing happened, maybe people will talk about something other than Ozzie Guillen calling people pirantas

RK: Being glad something other than Ozzie Guillen is being talked about is my usual state of mind


RK: Let's make them pay for their insolence

WV: Cuddyer and Morneau prepare the fuse for Sinn Fein to ignite

RK: All because of Erstad's inability to use his head orbs... wait... whaddya call 'em? Oh yeah, eyes.

WV: That certainly looked like a good pitch to hit

RK: Sometimes you hit the ball right at 'em


WV: I suppose we could mention that we're open to suggestions for the title of the post

RK: I'm open to many, many things.

WV: Bert, in his best attempt at being a doctor, suggests that Mauer's recent soreness is a sign that he's getting better.

RK: Well all Grand Avenue Joe needs is a couple leeches

WV: Right. Maybe my half blocked artery is a sign that I have been laying off of grilled stuft burritos.




WV: Not!

RK: If I had to stop eating Taco Bell I'd just say it's been a good run

RK: Ha, Bert just said BOOOOOOF

WV: I caught that too. He must read our blog.

RK: That may just be the ultimate parallax view


WV: Jensen: We were totally sober when we came up with this name. Honest.

RK: It was indeed after much thoughtful deliberation

RK: Oh Kugel, that was a pitch to drive

WV: In any case, he shows the patience that's impossible to program into the Lew Ford Experiment

RK: Well, the walk keeps Jason within his Hippocratic oath: first, do no harm

WV: I'm all for 2 out rallies.

RK: The pirantas are doing their job

WV: When you're not throwing hittable pitches to Punto, you're scouting department deserves a scolding.

RK: Punto's power only goes so far.


RK: Well, Cleveland's down, but Motown is up

RK: kt, the best we can do for you re: inside-out swing has something to do with the flux of time and space at the juxtaposition of bat and ball, creating a small ripple in the fabric of reality that will surely destroy us all someday

WV: A similar small ripple in the fabric of reality allowed Matt Stairs to become a professional baseball player.

RK: In Canada, all things are possible

RK: Like affordable health care and the arms of a tender woman

WV: And poutine....which might sound like genitalia but is nearly as good: cheese covered french fries.

RK: Dipped in mayonnaise: glistening in the sun

WV: Meanwhile, Bonser makes Dye look silly. And, baseball is still about the ballpark/recognition/heroes/friendships etc

RK: Baseball is really all about sass. Oh, that made me miss Bat-girl


WV: Remember when Cuddyer hit? This is what that felt like.

RK: Wow, Dye looked like Dorn on that play, playing lackadaisically


RK: Oh Dr. Neau, he doesn't care about Pierzynksi - if he's saying anything behind the plate - that blast says a thousand words

WV: And gave the cameraman whiplash

WV: I like how Justincredible's eyes got really big and his cheeks puffed out just before swinging, like he was thinking, "Oh no you didn't!"

RK: "I will now hit the everloving shit out of this ball"

WV: Cirillo got a hit, shh don't scare him

RK: I move that we issue a decree that Cirillo has earned his stripes and all comparisons to Phil Nevin cease

WV: I'll hesitantly second the motion, only because hitting near the mendoza line by no means is a sign that you're on thin ice with the Twins

WV: Kubel, lefty on lefty violence, I dig.

RK: Jason "Matt Houdek is a hater" Kubel makes my night

WV: Matt, the truth is brutal, your grandma's Kubel

RK: And the lineup is turned over! Sorry, I'm still in interleague mode

WV: I think Guillen's been sitting in that exact spot with that exact expression for over 27 hours at this point.

RK: Yeah, but he's thinking about tapas


RK: gidp...gidp...gidp

RK: Pop up, I'll take it

RK: Wow, I forgot El Caballo once put bitch in his sox

WV: I did too, and man is Torii Hunter good.

RK: I'ma miss Trade Bait

RK: I think Bert has been giving Boof curveball pointers

WV: Yeah, that thing is starting to look a little 12-6

RK: Great, another good starting pitcher. Just what we need.

WV: Getting rid of Ponson and demoting Ortiz is sprouting karma all over the place.


Well, RK is off fulfilling his role of alpha male so you're stuck with me the rest of the evening.

WHAM...uh, double off the baggie! I think A.J. should step on Morneau's heel every game, Justincredible's like the anti-Achilles in Greek mythology.

Dazzle pointed out a while back that in Japan instead of pulling a pitcher after a shaky outing they bench the catcher when the manager goes to the mound. I'd be humored if Ozzie pulled the hook on A.J. instead of Danks....just saying.


Apologies for the delay, Mama V called and when Mama V calls, you pay attention. RK has some good stories of us growing up and getting in hot water for not listening to Mama V.

Anyways, the Boofmeister is cruising right along. Anyone got a good title for this post yet? Come on y'all, if you don't, I'll be forced to come up with some kind of pun or word play related to Morneau's heel.


Bases loaded, Jim Thome at the plate, two strikes:

"Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats."

Jim Thome


When do you think the last time was when there were two pitchers in one game whose first names started 'Boo'? Probably never. I bet Jayson Stark is all over that.

8TH INNING, Bitch Sox Getting Hammered By 7

Congratulations Ron Mackoviak, you've passed the Dick Bremer "You're Better Than Butch Huskey" outfielder test. On a related note, if Kubel had hit that out, Hater Nation Houdek would've never heard the end of it.

Nice to see the Devil Rays put up a fight against Motown tonight, maybe tomorrow they can keep it within a dozen. Cleveland, however, lost, so if we hold the lead we'll be within 5 1/2 of first.


Hey! The Wrong Ortiz is our new Willie Eyre. Wait a 7 runs enough of a lead? Fox Sports Net must be paying Gardy to put him in, add some intrigue to the game.

Maybe we could pawn Ortiz off on some team as a closer, that was a remarkably smooth 9th inning.

4 series wins in a row, hopefully we can wrap up the sweep tomorrow. We'll be here blogging and hope to see you all then.

Monday, May 28, 2007


Johan's Pitching; Rest of Team Gets To Go To The Lake


Except for the catcher, I mean, somebody has to throw the ball back, righ?. Happy Memorial Day to everyone, America's best excuse for going to the lake and getting hammered...err...I mean to honor fallen veterans.

In a world of injustices, Johan has as many losses as Contreras does and also, the Twins are behind the Bitch Sox in the standings. Hopefully both things can be at least partially righted today.


Bert just called today's starting pitching "Johantana", maybe Bert knocked a few back at a BBQ on his way to the park.

I actually sort of like "Johantana", though it sounds like a device used to improve your television's reception.

Santana's change up is like those pitches on Looney Tunes where the batter swings and the ball takes a 90 degree turn downward. Johantana defies physics.


Well, Bert also initially called Contreras "Jason", so he's decided to do his best Gordo impression today. Along the same lines, I wouldn't mind seeing Bert try to do a Razzle Dazzle mimicry.

I wonder how long it will take for somebody to mention that Guillen coined the term "pirhanas"? I'm giving it 15 minutes.

Punto, I got some advice for you: Bunt or try to get walked every at-bat. That's all.

In the Bible it says that love is patient, and if that's true, Punto, Hunter and Morneau hate everyone's guts because it took a total of 7 pitches for those three to wipe out a promising start to the inning.


Johantana, the chances are prettttty decent you'll charge ahead of Bedard as the MLB strikeout leader before the end of today's game.

While I have a moment, I have to ask: Did anybody see the Lost season finale last week? Holy Mother. With their ratings being down this season, you could view that twist (which I won't mention) as desperation but actually it was worked in pretty seamlessly. Hate to have to wait until February for the next season....

Anyways, back to baseball. Great Kubel, get a bat that's 1.5 inches longer and blame that on your pitiful batting average. It sure as hell didn't help you not strike out just now. You know, I'm having a sluggish start to blogging today, I think I'll move to the desktop computer, the screen's 2 inches bigger so you all just wait, this post is about to get spectacularly better.

The Pear King takes a pitch off the shoulder to get on base, but some small ball basestealing tactics and then Tyner drives him in, temporarily deserving of being called a designated hitter. Bartlett, all that pain paid off. Why do I have "Hurts So Good" stuck in my head suddenly....

Geez, Bert mentions Contreras' 0.53 career ERA at the Metrodome and all the sudden he's hit a batter, given up a run and threw a pick-off past Konerko. Our boy Bert totally jinxed him.

Come on baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love don't feel like it should....NO MORE JOHN MELLENCAMP

Though, I must admit that I appreciate anyone whose middle name is "Cougar". From now on, I shall be William Viper Viestenz. Yeeeah...that's hot.

Little Nicky hits an RBI line drive to the outfield! If you're going to Hell, bring a winter jacket.

Bingo! It took 20 minutes, not 15, for Dick to bring up that damn pirhana-Guillen connection. I am so money today! This move to the desktop computer was brilliant, thank you Kubel.


This new guy Terrero is recently arrived to the majors so he hasn't gotten the memo yet that you're supposed to strike out to Johantana and not hit home runs off of him. He'll learn next time up.

Atta boy Kubel, maybe I was too harsh on you.


OK Johantana, that's enough of this home run stuff now. At least they've been solo shots.

While Bert and Dick argue to the death about whether or not to pick up a starting pitcher, I'm wondering why we don't have more hitters closer to the .300 mark.

The good news is that people other than Punto and Dr. Neau have hits today, hopefully more runs will be the result of this

5TH INNING, Land of 10,000 Lakes 3, Windy City 2

The only time this season when I'll root for the Bitch Sox is when they face Clemens in his first start for the Yankees. Maybe Baker will loan them some Rocket Bats for the occasion.

A few more scoreless innings like this one from Johantana and we'll be in decent shape.


I think Bert has been more entertaining than the game itself today. We need to find a way to get this blog some air time during a Twins game so that Bert can officially endorse or reject the notion of Pulling A Blyleven.

Good one Torii:

6TH INNING, Lookalikes Up 1

Well, my Memorial Day barbeque involves a healthy serving of anger salad after seeing Johan lose us the lead.

I will have to call up the inventor of teflon and profusely thank him, however, for at least temporarily preventing the Bitch Sox from charging ahead due to the baggie in right field.

And wow, Gardy must think he's at Ace Hardware because he's barking profusely at the 1st base umpire over A.J.'s antics. Naturally, it takes 3 guys to block him from tearing the ump a new one.

Appropriately, all of this conflict occurs just before the moment of silence to commemorate Memorial Day. Baseball, as has been said, is a microcosm for life itself.


Good to see the pirhanas doing their best to pick up Johantana.

And as Bert mentions, Torii does his best impression of a piranta to commemorate the Bitch Sox being in town and puts the Twins ahead. Happy Salad!

RED MAN!!!! Joe Mauer, it's ok if you stay on the DL for a little while longer. I have to admit, he's justifying, with his bat, the contract extension they gave him and also shows that his .347 average last season wasn't totally a fluke.

If there's any reason to continue watching this it's to see A.J.'s next at-bat. My prediction is that they'll bring in one of the newbies from Rochester whose ejection will have no real consequences.


And April Johan is back to being May/June Santana, I like it.

You know it's not your day when you walk the bases loaded. Hopefully Dr. Neau does better this time around with the bases juiced.

Well, better luck next time. He might have swung at ball 4 there.


Pretty illogical that the "Lifetime Fitness Bonus Zone" promotion gives away a free hotdog and soda and a day pass to a fitness center? Aren't you sort of negating both things?

TORII HUNTER I BOW DOWN BEFORE YOU! After seeing that catch, we can bet that the pitching staff will be breaking down Terry Ryan's door to resign that guy.


Having Sinn Fein steal third was a nice call to disrespect A.J.'s throwing arm, then he added to everyone's satisfaction when he threw it to St. Paul. Now, if they really wanted to do something sick nasty, they'd send Kubel to third. That's disrespect.


Pinch hitting for A.J.? Definition of a cowardly douchebag.

It's really remarkable how far along Kubel's defense has come over the year. Like for Punto, a great game.


On the road to another series win, the Twins looked good today, which is good considering Johan's off day. Leaving 12 men on base is forgivable when you have 16 hits and timely hitting.

And I can't wait until A.J.'s next at bat.

Saturday, May 26, 2007


Saturday Night Fever

Not around - won't you leave us some love? Sorry I've been so spotty lately, but I ate some bad sushi and have been recovering. That's all I'll say about it.

Also, I want to echo WV's comments. Batgirl's probably the reason there's a Twins blogosphere in the first place.

Friday, May 25, 2007


I'm not the man they think i am at home, Oh no no no, I'm a Rocket Bats!


Normally in the pregame we delve into the immanent match-up, but tonight we dedicate our opening words to the beloved Bat Girl. As many of you know, Bat Girl has decided to permanently hang up her keyboard, and we here at P.A.B. wish her luck in all her future endeavours, which I'm sure will be wildly successful, considering the notoriety of her blog and fiction. The "less stats, more sass" mantra served as our original inspiration, and though nobody can fill Batgirls shoes (or would it be cleats?), our goal here has been to always remember that baseball is first and foremost a game and is fun to both watch and write about. Batgirl epitomized this, and here on our own site, though with far less eloquence and originality, we have tried to bear a passing resemblance to her.

Batgirl, you can't be my Boyfriend of the Day, but you can be my G.O.D. Get it?


No lead off walks! That's a bad rocket bats! Baaaad! You hear me? You just wait. You're not supposed to prove the nickname/anagram true Scott.

Line shot to right field....getting a tad nervous here Rocket Bats.

Little Nicky flips to 2nd on that fielder's choice like he's been playing SS all season. I smell a utility infielder......Remember Denny Hocking? Like many diminished Twins (Killebrew, Knoblauch, Joe Mays), his career came to a sputtering, oil leaking stop in Kansas City.

Frank Thomas has hit more home runs (48) against the Twins than every batter in our line-up save Torii Hunter, Cuddy and the good Doctor have hit FOR the Twins. I don't like those odds, but maybe Baker can get out of this jam.

Thomas always has the same look on his face that my Grandmother had minutes after finding out Murder, She Wrote was taken off the air.

After that 2 run single, it's also the same look I currently have on my face. Rocket Bats, you're grounded! No My Space or Fall Out Boy for you for a whole month! Now go to your room.


Litsch is a former Devil Rays batboy, and watching him flub Castillo's bunt, it's clear why because he would've made an awful ballboy.

We sure gave Jeter a lot of shit earlier this year for having a stiff neck and not being able to play at his best, so I feel like it would be hypocritical to let Barlett's similar injury pass by unnoticed. Whatever dude, it's not like you have a broken hand. Get out there and play, at least Jeter was doing that. You're not a folk singer, so constantly turning your head from side to side isn't in your job description.

And the good Doctor pulls through and drives in Castillo! Like grilled stuft burritos at Toxic Hell, Morneau is something you can rely on.


More innings like this, and eventually Rocket Bats may not be burning out his fuse up here alone.


Maybe Redmond texted Litsch after Lew's fake bunt got him thrown out at first and told him to drill him. I imagine that Lew's zany antics get old after a few seasons of hitting near the Mendoza line. Hell, I don't even experience them and I'm fed up with them. Let's call it the Tom Green effect.


I don't know who this Minnesotan actress from Nip/Tuck is, but she's never once been to a Twins game, and she gets to throw out the first pitch. That sure threw off Marnie Gellner.

This new Scott Baker who throws down in the zone must be locked in a Metrodome closet while his evil twin Rocket Bats throws high fast balls to Troy Glaus and Vernon Wells.


As Stacey has pointed out, today is Rubick's Kubel's 25th birthday, so we all wish him well. You get a one day reprieve from any shots at your uncanny ability to hit line drives right at people. Wait a sec...I just took a shot didn't I. You know, everything I say is a lie. Except for that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that...

Dick shouldn't give Bert hell for stealing people's DQ hats to get free ice cream. I think that's a fantastic idea, and plus, he needs to feel better about the whole H.O.F. thing.


A couple of home run hitting up and down starting pitching staff with 1 guy having a pretty decent season.....a shaky bullpen.....a kooky TV analyst.....a shitty ballpark. Good God! We've become the Bitch Sox!

I didn't mean that, just grumpy that we're losing to someone making their 3rd career start. Plus,Bert will never be The Hawk.


I. Hate. Nick. Punto. So. Much.

Anger Salad.

Make that a double Anger Salad, and yes, now I mean what I said earlier about the Bitch Sox.


I'm still fuming about that last half inning. If anyone is still on the Punto bandwagon, it's because they're in a coma.

And as I write that he makes a seamless put out, but you can't sweet talk me Little Nicky. No sirree Bob. Ok..maybe I'll start comparing you to Greg Gagne, but that was the dead ball era and defensive minded folk don't cut it anymore. Alright...fine. You can keep playing, I give in. I don't know how to quit you.

In better news, the new Scott Baker has escaped from his locked closet and sent Rocket Bats away. This new Baker even has a bit of arrogance about him, shaking off Redmond. I like it.


Dick: "If people were to ask who it would affect most to lose Joe Mauer for 3 weeks, some would say Michael Cuddyer".
Cuddyer: "WHAMMY!"

Dick, the poor thing, goes out on a limb and tries to analyze something and look what happens. Hey...maybe he should do it more often if it gives us a lead.

I don't know how much Dick's Sporting Goods paid to have a commercial during every break, but it's annoying the heck outta me. At least make a couple and give a man some variety. If any of you have seen it, it's interesting how each fan demonstrates the sterotype associated with their given geographical area. The Twins fans talk about history another team about family, you know, being from the heartland. The Chicago fans are fat drunkards. The Yankee's fan is a total dick..hey wait, maybe I do like this commercial.


A fast ball up, and the Big Hurt inflicts pain. Who let Rocket Bats back on the mound! We'll get the lead back.

Rocket Bats had to leave the game and go home, his curfew is 9:00.

Getting Matt Stairs in a run down looks something like this:


I miss when the Lew Ford Experiment was programmed to hit for average.


Twins' middle relievers: They're gonna taste GURrierreat!

I also hate how on the breaks they advertise certain items being sold at the Shop, with a big pail with a Yankees logo being the largest and more prominently placed item inbetween other sundry pieces of junk. The Yankees already have the YES Network, they don't need's help too. Plus they suck ass this year.

Is it possible to hit a quiet .336? Word on the street is that Castillo is doing just that.

Cirillo is what you might call a "professional" hitter; advancing Castillo 3 times tonight without getting a hit. If Punto could do the same, his .200 average would seem easier to swallow.

Downs bears an uncanny resemblance to Sidney Ponson, what with his near-mullet and sour puss expression. Unfortunately, he appears to be able to get clutch outs.

Torii Hunter is straight up cash, homey.

I think Toronto's pitching coach told Downs, "Hey, why don't you throw a non-sinking sinker right over the plate on the 1st pitch to a guy who likes to swing on the 1st pitch. Yeah, go with that."

Whatever he said, I'm Downs with it.


Jason Frasor, Jays' reliever:

Brendan Fraser, actor:

Tell me you don't see it. Come on, squint. It's there.

I don't understand why, when the infield fly rule isn't called, a fielder couldn't drop a ball and try to get a double play. Why punish the fielder when it's the hitter's lack of hustle, right? Oh, Bert just said the same thing. Well, that's why he gets paid.

If Neshek ever throws somebody out on a pick off, that baserunner should be banned like Pete Rose.

Meanwhile, Neshek is fighting through some control problems and gets the Big Hurt to look at strike 3 right down the pipe. And he gets Stairs to pop out, if he keeps it up we'll soon forget about Jesse Crain's injury.

Scouting report on Nick Punto: Throw the ball.


Hey Bert, I'm disemminating an account of this game without MLB's consent. What do you think about that?

Carrying 3 catchers is certainly a limitation, but being that Redmond is one of our few hitters over .300, he seems like an asset at DH. So I'm all for carrying Heintz for now.

Ok Joe, watch out for splintered bats and let's finish this mutha trucka.

Well, while I'm here pulling a Blyleven, Nathan has decided to pull a Guardado. Hopefully these two singles mean nothing.....

Nothing like a little chin music to let Overbay know who's boss. It's all a part of your master plan, right Joe? Riiiight?



This was a classic Twins win. The starter leaves with the game within reach, the offense scrapes together some runs and then the bullpen throws down the hammer. In reaching back to our roots, this game was a step forward.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Bonser, Texas Ranger


With a spate of graduations and the numbing drudgery of finals behind me, I can now devote weekday afternoons to blogging. Looks like I returned to the fold just in time, a few more days and the entire pitching staff might have been on the disabled list. Seriously, someone disinter Clara Barton stat and get her to Arlington. In any case, Bonser and Herzegovina takes the mound today, and believe it or not, we have a chance to win our second series in a row. Let's hope for the best.


King of the Castillo starts things off right by singling to center field, must be tired of legging out infield hits.

"Tyner might be in my estimation the most unlikely designated hitter ever". Though I think it's "unlikeliest", I'm not sure the Rangers' announcer is too far off here. Memo to Gardy: designated HITTER. But hey, I love players who haven't hit a homerun since junior high. No seriously, that's true.

A lazy pop out just off of third base, atta boy Tyner. The pig who takes the ball out to the pitcher for the St. Paul Saints could hit it farther.

Pretty nice at bat for Cuddy, a walk that seemingly lasted 20 pitches. The table is somewhat set now for a red-hot Dr. Neau.

Can't say Justin didn't get his chances, two strike zone fastballs, on a fastball count, for strikes 2 and 3. That's a lot of strikes in one sentence, let's just say he didn't deliver this time.

And Sinn Fein slams an Irish Car Bomb! The Guiness always goes down smooth, and occasionally drives in Castillo.


The ghost of Kenny Lofton breaks up Bonser's no hitter after one freaking pitch.

This may be wild speculation on my part, but I wonder if our starting rotation's struggles, particularly those of Ramon Ortiz, have to do with Joe Mauer not calling games. Mauer went out on May 5th, Ortiz started majorly sucking around the same time, actually May 3rd, so who knows.

We could certainly use some strikeouts with 1 out and a guy on third, and Bonser is a good guy to have in a situation like this. Just kidding, a double ties up the game. That was a really ugly slider out over the plate Bonser threw to Teixiera, we're lucky it's not in the center field seats.

But, the big guy battles back, natch.


Not a great day for the Rangers' catcher today, passed ball last inning and now he just sailed a throw into center field. Then again, after dealing with David Carr and Drew Bledsoe, I imagine Texan sports fanatics are used to poor accuracy.

In any case, 1st and 3rd with 0 outs, but don't get too excited because Nick "I've Never Seen A Rally I Couldn't Kill" Punto is up.

I sure do miss the Pear King. I know Matt Moses down at Rochester isn't doing spectacular, but at least he could come up and hit .200 and get some experience. Christ.

King of the Castillo steps in and picks Punto up, however, bouncing a single into right field. He's what we like to call "money". Or as Randy Moss would say, "Straight up cash, homey".

50 pitches to get 4 outs, Tejeda is about as efficient as the Army.

You know, the Rangers announcers have really done their homework. Tyner's middle name is Renyt? As in Tyner spelled backwards? That's almost as corny as Apple Paltrow.

Speaking of ass backwards, our D.H., in 2 at bats, has popped out to 3rd, and weakly dribbled one back to the pitcher. This, ladies and gentlement, is our designated rettih.

And Cuddy gets an F for effort, striking out on 3 pitches with 2 men in scoring position. Awesome.


After a pesky single, the Bonser from last game returns and strikes out the final two hitters. Thus far, Bonser is staking his claim at Chuck Norris' title of Texas Ranger.


How about some Anchorman to describe that last at bat for Dr. Neau:

"Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I'm kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Justin Morneau at the plate..... WHAMMY! WHAMMY! "

Rubick's Kubel gets his requisite 1 hit of the game, I look forward to his next two line outs.

Knee? What knee! Kubel proves that hoverboards CAN occasionally work on the base paths and steals 2nd. Holy Moses.


The ghost of Kenny Lofton is doing a splendid job of haunting the Boofmeister today. 1-2-3 inning anyone? Please?

Lofton steals 2nd; the haunting continues. Soon specters will be coming out of Boof's TV set.

Rocky start today for Bonser and Herzegovina, indeed the road to stability can be long and arduous. I wouldn't mind seeing that stability start right now with Teixera, however. I bet Gardy would just love to need his bullpen to eat up lots of innings today.

And single to right field, motherf*cker.

Yeah, let's pitch a guy who's hitting .203 inside and accidentally hit him. I bet brushing Nelson Cruz off the plate was going to be real effective guys. Did Randerson drop that pearl of wisdom during his mound visit? Good ideas abound.

Striking Kinsler out with the bases juiced on a 3-2 count is...clutch. Hopefully Boof has found something he can build off of here and get out of the inning and settle down a bit.

And he does. Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOFFFF!!!!!!!!


Castillo is making a real bid to be today's Praise 'Em, let's see if Renyit can capitalize on this 2 on, no out situation.

And out 'designated' hitter actually drives someone in, but only on a fielder's choice. Maybe McDimples can pick him up and hit a lefty hard.

I do appreciate it when umps miss calls that extend innings and give us extra runs. Bad call or not, their catcher should make more of an effort to CATCH balls, lest he be renamed a dropper. It's become something of a pattern...

And another wild pitch! Let's call up Joe Francis and make a video called "Rangers Gone Wild: Wet T-Shirt Strip Off!"

This afternoon game might finish at 10 tonight.


Torii Hunter: money. Doing his part to finish this game before Haley's Comet returns in 2061.


You know, if Bonser and Herzegovina would just read P.A.B. on his blackberry between innings he'd know that 1-2-3 innings don't bite, in fact, they're desirable. But, no damage done this time.


Eyre-in Go Bragh! Be still my beating heart. I like it a lot better when he's not brought in to mop up when we're getting hammered. In a truly scientific calculation of the quality of their bullpen, there's no hammering taking place today; he's actually a valued member of their staff.

I imagine Eyre-in Go Bragh! and Sinn Fein are reminiscing over their Irish kinship and the glory days of the Ulster Independence Party.

Eyre-in Go Bragh!'s 9 pitch inning nearly leaves the announcers speechless.


My, things are speeding right along now, I've become used to these innings taking 45 minutes, now I barely have time to write anything.

Willie Eyre vs. Chris Heintz: A battle for the ages. Proof that MLB expansion has gotten a little out of control, right? A little watering down of the talent pool?


Though Guerrier was guerrierreat!, the tying run coming to the plate served to remind me that we are only up by 3 runs, for some reason it seems like a lot more.


Punto's season at the plate has been so bad that he's a better hitter when he doesn't swing: 3 walks today. Ought to bump the old OBP up a bit. As he shows with a subsequent stolen base, his speed is nice on the basepaths, if only he could hit his way on more.

Cuddyer today has struck out on a couple of pretty high pitches, probably not a good sign. And he, along with Dr. Neau, will never work for Geico because they don't believe in insurance runs.


Well folks, technical problems prevented me from seeing that last run get in for Texas. Pray for Mojo........

I mean, looking at the boxscore, they have 11 hits. They certainly should have at least 3 runs....

In Death Metal, and Sinn Fein, we trust. Straight up cash, homey!


Jensen: Maybe that's why Gardy decided not to skip his spot in the rotation this weekend. I'll let it go this once. No more favors to Ray-moan until he shapes up!

Twitch n' Pitch decides to make things interesting by letting Teixera get on base, but we'll see where it goes from here.

I'd be happy about this double play, but now that I see Twitch n' Pitch hobbling around the mound after being speared by a broken bat, I'm considerably worried. Clara Barton, you around? The way our relievers are dropped, we should rename this place The Infirmary at Arlington.

At least it got him in the lower buttocks and didn't tear his labrum.

Nathan is thinking to himself, "My stuff is so good it hurts".

Oh Torii!! It would've been a nice catch and we're spoiled. But why couldn't you have caught that?'s just a little walk, it's still good, it's still good. No worries here, none whatsoever.

Sosa takes a shot of amphetamines and strolls to the plate.........too easy?

Hey Sammy, why don't you do your stupid little hop towards the showers cuz you just got OWNED.


Hey, it's two series wins in a row, and they weren't sweeps, but we're all about baby steps. Especially when half our pitching staff is fresh from the farm system. Gardy--feel free to seductively bark at your wife tonight, even if you're not in front of an Ace Hardware store.

Sunday, May 20, 2007


Ramon Ortiz: President and Founder of the "Mr. April" Fanclub


I liked the idea of reader titles so much, I think I'm gonna make an executive decision that we're gonna play that little mini-game every time. Let's be honest, it's not like our post titles were transcendent or anythng.

So far, it looks like interleague play is as I predicted. So far, the White Stockings are in danger of being swept by the Rookies of the Year, and the Team With the Racially Inensitive Nickname that Plays Near Lake Erie is trailing the Commies, although it's early in the game.

St. Louis teased me a little bit last night, but ever since his strange departure from Philly, I don't put much stock in Scott Rolen to do much of anything.

And the Yankees are sucking. Bad. Hard. And I'm loving every second of it. The only reason you can tell Joe Torre is still alive is when he has to come out and pull yet another injured pitcher.

WV may still be contributing to domestic tranquility, so you may be stuck with me yet again. I pity you all.


Is it just me, or is LNP looking better as of late? I'm just glad when I don't see him jump into first like he's what'shisface Phelps setting 9 world records.

The 0-1 pitchout?? Really? REALLY??

Hahaha, oh, that slide to avoid the tag 30 feet before second base is hilarious. I love the heart.

Hey, no matter what happens, Cuddy's my boy today because he's still swinging his pink bat.


Have y'all (heh, y'all) seen that commercial with Johnny Damon and Joe Mauer when the dude pauses his DVR so he can enjoy a Pepsi before the play at the plate? And they talk and Damon's like "You're not planning on catching that are you?" And Joe says "Uh huh" and Johnny says "I'm gonna be safe anyway" and Joe says "I think I've got the plate pretty well covered" and then Blue says something like "I'll be the judge of that" (I'm paraphrasing, I've only seen it once. And then Damon's safe? Stupid. Joe did have the plate covered.

Ortiz is like a cat. Why is Gwynn bunting? Now on SeeSee Bathsheba, sure.

What? Prince put his hands out there! OK, probably not, but remember when Dougie Bubblegum put his elbow out to get plunked and the ump called him back because he did it on purpose? I kinda miss that guy.


Sigh, the Commies fell behind the Land of Cleves.

However, The Catholic Hierarchies have taken the lead over Los Tigres.

Yikes, Morneau didn't look good up there. But he seems to get better as the game goes on. He's gonna go sit in the dugout and say "stupid, stupid stupid" and hit his head on the butt of his bat. Then he'll get up second time around hoppin' mad.

Damn, I didn't know Contract Year was so high up there in RsBI totals! 4 behind Mr. April. Same with HRs apparently.

Now let's see what the Lew Ford Experiment is programmed to do today.

A 2-strike bunt from World of Warcraft would be great here.

I'd like enough of a rally here to at least get Ortiz up to bat. That would make me a happy boy. Chris Hunts, you know what to do.

I have to say I'm a little impressed with the Milwaukee announcers. With the exception of the guy who sounds drunk repeatedly saying the Twins don't have any power (Mauer, Cuddy, Morneau, and Hunter?) they're giving the team some solid dues.

Good good, now as long as the Pear King can get on base, we'll turn the lineup over, and maybe even score some runs if he can line one down the left field line.

Dammit. Well, we'll see what happens.


Well, I can say this for sure: Ortiz is pitching better than he did in his last outing.

For other hot tips and wild assertions, send me an email.

And as soon as I say that Raymoan starts trying to throw the ball into the crowd.

It's alright, Everybody Loves Raymoan, just get the damn pitcher out.

Also, the Tigers are atop the Cardinals, so there's that.


Some of the Brewers are gonna be on Young and the Restless? That's actually pretty awesome. I'll probably watch it... not that I watch soaps regularly. Except I did get hooked on Days once upon a time. Shut up.

I know, Jensen, right? Never mind the idiocy of pausing the game at such a pivotal moment, but Damon was so out.

Nick Punto's have a career day!

I told you Cuddy was my boy! It's the power of pink! I'm aware of this power because I wear pink a lot. Sometimes I match it with pink socks. Sometimes pink skivvies. Get your minds out of the gutter.

MVP, stop it! You're giving me a heart attack!

Well, take 'em where you find 'em, right?

Jensen, no way, Dick gets 'em all the time! I can think of a least one other time: Bobby Kielty off Barry Zito. The very reason Oakland picked him up. I'd be more shocked if Bert got one. He's about as good at it as we are.

I am so gonna miss Contract Year.

The LFE is programmed to have a good eye. Number 20 is alive!

As Kris Hunts 57 puts two more across the plate, I'm reminded of when it was fun to watch baseball, and it can be fun again.

And we turned the lineup over! I'm gonna beat this point into the ground. Another reason why you miss WV I'm sure. He would gently tell me to stop repeating myself.

Oh man, as nice as that inning was, how cool would it have been if Bartlett would have beat that throw? Ah, ghosts of what could have been.


Haha, Cuddles McHappy Yard. Good one.

That one's on Heinz. Sorry buddy, but you shouldn't 2-hop the ball to second. I know it was only one hop, but he may as well have bowled it out there.

Well. Here we go.

Jesus, I cannot get over how big Prince Fielder is. Did he eat Paul Molitor?

I'd say something about how nobody could come up with that ball up the middle, but after watching what happened to the Janky Lo-Fis yesterday, I'm not gonna complain. We're still up two.


In other news, Clevelandia is still up 3 on the Pinkos, but Twins fans will now be happy to hear that Aaron Fultz is pitching. And now it's 5-3.

The Cardinals are still acting Ordinally.

And the Baby Bears are trailing the Flying Pierzynskis

C.f. first inning: Castillo does better when not swinging for the fences.

Yes Gardy, that was a balk. You were correct sir.

Morneau's chi is centered. I can feel it. I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I predict patience at the plate and a single to left field.

Drunkman shut up - the MVP did not go on any of the three occasions you say he did. That's the scotch talking. Now start thumbing your blue chip and telling yourself you'll do better tomorrow.

My prediction was close enough to start my own fortunetelling empire a la Miss Cleo and put myself all over late night TV. Do you ever watch those things? Sometimes I do, especially when I come home less than sober and I really think getting a Magic Bullet is a good decision.

Another good decision is getting another run across to make it 5-2.


Well, the bad guys are all still winning, but StL is showing signs of life. But Rolen's up, so it's over.

Ha, in the CWS/CHC game, they're asking if the White Sox or Cards were the Cubs biggest rival. Is that really even a question? The answer is obvious, is it not? (Cards)

As Ortiz looks like he's a little bit struggling to get the third out (I'm distracting myself as a show of confidence), let's ponder the nature of infinity. Vargas didn't (It's Cuddy's Day by the power of Grayskull pink!) have a good day, and that'll bump his ERA probably up a full point. We all know that if a pitcher gives up an earned run and fails to record an out on his first outing of the season, his ERA is infinity. There's no way to calculate it because you can't divide by zero, right? I think that's a law of mathematics. I passed my stats class with an A if you can believe it. But what's funny is that infinity becomes a number if it's merely an addition to a compiled ERA. So what does that say about infinity? [post-hoc addition] If all mathematics takes place between -1 and 1 (that's pretty much the whole point of calculus) infinity would become sort of an absolute zero, right? No movement possible along that continuum. Am I the only one that thinks about this kind of stuff?


Newhouse strikes out the LFE. He must be malfunctioning a little bit. Don't get all HAL 9000 on us, Lew!

2 outs.

I don't like this Villanueva guy.


Another update:

Hey, Rolen didn't come through. Big surprise: Detroit wins.

Travis Hafner tries this whole "Defense thing": Cleveland wins.

Bitch Socks are up still.

The LFE has also been programmed to make excellent plays to catch foul balls! I love how people are chanting "Leeeeewww" even in Milwaukee. And his shirt is improperly buttoned! Ladies, isn't he just so darn cute?

Well, at least Bartlett got a glove on it. I'm not sure why he threw.

Oh Heintz, stop being polite. Stay out at the mound as long as possible. If nothing else to watch Bruce Froemming try to chug up there to break it up.

I'm so mean.


I'm on strike for the rest of this inning. You'll get nothing from me. Except this. Perkins could have done that. Garza could have done that. What's the difference? Those two would have gotten the commensurate experience that Ortiz wouldn't.


At least the Cubbies are threatening.

What? That wasn't a strike before! I'm yelling this out loud. My neighbors must think I'm strange.

I can't imagine the King of the Castle bunting here. But perhaps that's why he would. For a hit, because you have to imagine the 3B isn't gonna cheat too far up the line.

I just want you to know, I'm not gonna put my name in the hat for a mangerial position.

I like the squeeze. I say do it with two outs... or better yet, STRAIGHT STEAL OF HOME! The Fox stole home, the Fox stole home! (name that film)

Oh Nick, the game in my head is going so much better than the game on my field.

I feel this one slipping away.


Well, that was actually encouraging.


Seeing Morneau groundout is especially sad because it's like such a waste of potential, y'know?

OK Contract Year, momma said knock you out. Er, to the baseball

Argh. And now I have no more hope for the rest of this inning. I know that's not what I should be saying, but it's true.

Did the stadium just play Hava Nagila? Neat.


Well awesome. The Brewers go up and the White Sox are going to win. What's going on with our bullpen?!


I don't doubt the Magic Bullet is probably a good blender. And I need a blender. I just don't think I should be making those decisions at 3 in the morning using Johnny Walker judgment.

I have nothing baseball-related to say.


Take a lesson from Pat Neshek, fellas.


I'm watching in anticipation - it's hard to write when you can't take your eyes off the game. Sorry people, I never discount the comeback.

The ball was outside, but Nick should have swung at that.

That AB by Cuddy was sickening.

Swing at everything everybody!


Damn blast hell and spite.

Saturday, May 19, 2007


Open This Thread Like Christmas

Hey, tell me what's what. I've got a dinner and drinking engagement to attend, and WV's contributing to domestic tranquility.


Friday, May 18, 2007


It's Just A Little Airborne, It's Still Good, It's Still Good!


I never thought that I'd ever find myself saying this, but... I'm hoping for a 2006 redux. Remember last year when interleague play was the cure for what ailed our boys? I know there's been a lot of sturm und drang and plenty of reasons for there to be - but if there was ever a doubt as to how important Mauer is to this club, I'm sure that doubt is erased. My prediction: Boof hits a double tonight.

You may also notice the title. There's a few reasons for this:

1. I can't think of anything clever to say
2. WV is out and about, so I can't rely on him to be clever for me (seriously, in his memoirs, he's gonna write, "Only reason RK was funny was because of me")
3. I want to make this interactive

So you get to pick! Leave your suggestions in the actual comments (I can't pay attention to the sidebar chat like normal when there's just one of us doing this), and I'll pick the best one at some point during the game. Then you'll be validated, and can skip your appointment with your therapist this week.


Boy, that looked just a little low and inside, didn't it? I mean, didn't it?

I'm pumped to see the BrewCrew wearing their old school unis. The fingers of the mitts make an M and the thumb and palm make a B. Get it? My junior year college roommate pointed that out to me.

Honestly, these guys have said "Capuano off to a good start" so many times you'd think they were potty training him.


Best interchange of all time:

Thing 1: Bert Blyleven said that he changed his name legally to Boof Bonser

Thing 2: Well I don't trust much of what Bert says

Thing 1: Bert says you gotta look it up.

Thing 2: Well if you said it, I'd believe it. Not Bert.

And therein lies our ethos. BOOOOOOOOF!

I love this MLB Mosaic. It's how I know that Aaron Boone is getting high playing for the Marlins

And runners on the corners. Fantastic.

Gaaah, slowest double play eeeevveeeeer

Megan, I like your optimism, but when you start saying things like "it's only one run" it reminds me of that Simpsons episode with the pig that gets taken all over Springfield. "It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good! It's just stuck in the dam, it's still good, it's still good!" Let's hope your optimisim pays off!


The Twins without Mauer are worse than the Suns without Stoudamire and Diaw. Yeah, I said it.

After how horrible that at-bat was looking, Morneau putting one in the 4.5 spot looks fantastic.

Keep throwing, Capuano. I'm sure the scouting report on the MVP said he was a threat to steal.

Runners on first and second, let's see if the LFE is fully powered.

Oh good. With Punto Bonser Castillo next inning... well.


I like when guys spell their name Geoff. Doesn't make any sense. Reminds me of Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill: "In America, you say leisure, and in England, we say Lye-soo-rah"

Ooh, Stacey, you're most definitely in the front of the pack for a post title. I giggled a little bit. I giggle sort of like a girl. I bet you didn't know that about me. I can guffaw and howl like a grown-ass man, but when I just giggle, or if you'll forgive a little netiquette, lol, I probably sound like a junior in high school whose best friend just told her that the boy she totally likes said she was cute in chemistry class today.

Oh, Boof looked good that inning.


Hahaha, I switched over to the NYY/NYM game and they showed some chubby kid stuffing his face full of cotton candy. Wouldn't you like to get in the mind of a cameraperson for one day? Do you suppose one of them just pointed the camera and just couldn't stop looking? Like they're thinking, "So... disgusting... can't stop watching... diabetes... Wilford Brimley."

It reminds me of a couple of years ago, when people noticed that whoever the cameraperson was at the Staples center would kinda do a knee-high view upwards at women with large breasts. I think Kornheiser called it pervertcam.

Aaaanyway. There's two outs all of a sudden? Who'd have thought?

The two-out walk to Castillo? My inner Johnny Carson predicts an attempted steal.

Jeff Cirillo, you are SO not Phil Nevin! Triples are hot.

God I love 2-out rallies. And now the good doctor is up to smash the ball to kingdom come.

Stacey, yeah, the mosaic thing is available monthly (you get it with the premium package). In fact, I think that's how WV's doing it, because he's gonna spend June in Minneapolis and won't need it, obvs. That's short for obviously. But without vowels. It's fun to say. Try it! Right now.

No, he did not go, Mr. Brewer announcer man.

OK Sinn Fein. The carbomb is ready. The explosives are stuffed. The fuse is solid.

"Cappy"? Seriously guys. I'm sure he loves that.


What do you suppose the odds are that we could bat around after the first two batters making outs?

Well, close enough.


Oh yes, believe it. I couldn't do much writing because I had to see it for myself. Boof "John Paul II" Bonser struck out the side.


Ooh, I thought the Lew Ford Experiment had a hit there.

I feel it - here comes Boof's double.

Or sac bunt, and here's my comment that makes you think I'm a lettered man in old-school baseball: At least we turned the lineup over.


Haha, inside joke. Eh, OK. Stop laughing. It's times like this that make me miss Bert.

Bonser and Herzegovina is going to give El Presidente a run for his money with strikeouts... OK, so not really, I'm just trying to make a point here.

He's put down 10 in a row with 7K, and dammit announcers, I compiled that data real quick-like before you said it, and now I just sound like a hack. And if I wanted to do that, I'd write a political science paper and submit it to a journal.


Stacey, I'm writing my thesis too. Whatevs, I say. It's pretty much half done anyway. What's yours about?

Kevin, you just made me hungry. Those are two of my favorite food groups; beer and meat.

Hm, the announcers just called Morneau a "BC boy." I wish I was a Beastie Boy. I feel a close connection with Mike D.

The GIDP was not very Beastie though, Justin. In fact, I might say it's just plain wack.


Geoff Jenkins should start a band called "Geoff and the totally unnecessary letters."

The 0-out walk is never a good decision. Hopefully Bsquared can get a double play going

And as I write it, it happens. So let it be written, so let it be done. I'm bigger than Moses!

I like it when Counsell bats. It's like he's trying to get a good read on the jet streams.

I love the camerawork here! They went to the concession stand and some lady pointed at the Miller Lite tap and nodded aggressively, as if to say, "Oh yeah, I am SO getting me some beer!"


Stacey, I'm doing mine on how the society of bureaucratically controlled consumption precludes the possibility of meaningful rebellion. In other words, blah blah blah. And there's nothing wrong with submitting a paper, but if I do it, then the world at large will know I'm a hack instead of just the faculty at Tech. Whenever I present at conferences I feel like such a fraud. WV doesn't, because he isn't.

Torii's steal was all on the catcher. Bad throw.

The Lew Ford Experiment has been programmed to produce runs!

I had a hankering for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Probably the best decision I've made all day.


Uh. Sorry about that. I was eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Didn't want to soil my beautiful MacBook. I'm weird like that.


Here's a few other kooky things about me:

1. When I jam or peanut butter my toast, I don't use a base coating of butter. That's gross.
2. But when I peanut butter my toast, sometimes I slice bananas on it. OK, that's not so kooky, but sometimes I slice a pickle. Before you recoil in horror, go to your kitchen right now and grab a kosher dill, dip it in some peanut butter and go to town. You'll thank me.
3. I don't eat my cereal with milk. Any cereal. Ever.

Stacey, perhaps I'm just trying to undershoot so I'll pleasantly be surprised if people like it. Secretly, I'm obsessed with this idea. And here I just outted myself as an avowed leftist. Oops. I mean we're fair and balanced. And I do indeed plan on going on for a PhD because what else am I gonna do? I tried working for a bit. Wasn't a big fan.

Oh yes, this is a baseball blog, not RK 'n' Stacey's happy funtime grad school pow-wow hour. Though not a bad idea for public television.

Hey, not Phil Nevin just hit a dinger. He's a single and a double shy of a cycle.

Sister Jensen, who has direct access to my cellular telephone (we go a long way back) wants you to know that she's thrilled that Sinn Fein went to Denny's for her.

8 runs? What a gluttony of offense! I hope this is the catalyst that turns things around like last year's interleague play.


I like the Kirby Puckett tribute stuff, but I just remember my good friend Jesse saying "Kirby Puckett doesn't hit his wife, Kirby Puckett hits homeruns!" with the earnestness of a 9-year old. There's a strange story that we don't know, but at the same time, why should we care (too much) about that? I feel uneasy with the Puck, I'll be honest. I worshipped him as a boy myself, as I'm sure did we all.

Boof is just motoring here.

Geoff And The Unncessary Letters up to bat.

11 Ks? BOOOOOOOF, we hardly knew ye.


Some guy named Elmer is pitching for the Brewers. And I like that.

Hey everybody! Cristian Guzman is on deck for the Nationals! But I can't watch it. Le blackout restricciones.

Well, that was underwhelming, but we still have a 7-run lead, and you know me, I can't complain.


Stacey, yes it was shaved, and don't apologize. It's not like I talk about baseball very much anyway. I'm glad there are other dorks out there like me. Usually I do this and read. And drink. Uh, scratch the last one. Not really. For the kids.

Counsell at the plate, telling his upstairs neighbors to be quiet.

3 up 3 down, that's what I like to see from Guerrierrierrierrierr.




Punto went all Knucklehead McSpazatron and snagged that sucker!

And Joe Nathan's inning goes off without a hitch. Which is exactly what we like to see from the gentleman with a long face.


Repeat after me: Interleague play is the cure for what ails us. This is the beginning of a fanatical ranting about RAGNAROK. This I believe.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Minnesota Twins 4: Entreanched In The Minors

Day game, and for the time being RK and I are off doing work-type things and are unable to blog. But as always, treat this post as a game thread and feel free to pull your own Blylevens in the comments section.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Minnesota Twins 3: Back To The Minors



Herewith, the MINNESOTA TWINS are deemed unworthy of references to the major motion picture MAJOR LEAGUE, and must only receive references to the 1998 vehicle, MAJOR LEAGUE 3: BACK TO THE MINORS, starring QUANTUM LEAP SCOTT BAKULA. This punishment is retroactive, and further penalizations are enforcable. The BOTTOM OF THE BARREL is references only to the MATT LEBLANC movie ED. Nobody wants that. If CARLOS "GORDITO" SILVA can win the game tonight over SEESEE SABATHIA, the team will enjoy a respite of MAJOR LEAGUE references.


RK: What do you suppose the trick is to getting to Bathsheba tonight?

WV: Bunting. Make his fat ass move.

RK: Not that we have a spry young man on the mound for the good guys either. Poor mound. Sandy Koufax would shed a tear.

WV: By the 5th inning the pitching mound will have become the pitching trench.

RK: So uh, rain delay, huh?

WV: Whether rain or snow, Cleveland must have the worst weather on the planet.

RK: I don't think too much of the city itself either.


WV: This is odd. The Twins are delayed, Rochester is delayed, New Britain is delayed as is Fort Myers. If you're a Twins fan, chances are you're getting rained on.

RK: I got rained on walking home from work. That's an omen, son. Or is it a portent? I always get those two mixed up.

WV: It's a portent. They say the game's gonna start in 25.

RK: "They"? Who's they? The robots?

WV: Close, Mike Max.


WV: That's pure gold.

RK: These are the things I think about at night-time, when you're all asleep.

WV: I could eat bacon 'n' cheddar easy cheez on triscuits... let's say... everyday for breakfast, if not more.

RK: You know what I like for breakfast? A big glass of tears of innocent children

WV: I hope Donnie Garko's playing today.


WV: Away we go

RK: I better get a cup of coffee.

WV: Holy hell, stealing third.

RK: That's always on the pitcher.

WV: I prefer it when we don't score in the 1st, maybe we can hold them to a dozen runs tonight

RK: There's always hope.


WV: The Pear King didn't need to air mail that one.

RK: If you squint hard, Silva looks like Ortiz

WV: I just recall the halcyon days where good pitching was a given

RK: Even Rick Reed

WV: Right now, Rick Reed would be number 2 in the rotation.

RK: Frightening.


RK: Torii up there battling his tail off?

WV: All for naught.

RK: The Nurenberg, Paris Injury Report?

WV: Sounds fascist.


WV: Jeffy, the cagey veteran, decides to take a 3-1 fastball down the middle. Sly, Jeff. Sly.

RK: Mientkiewiczian eye there.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment is powered up, and looking svelt I might add.

RK: Someone must have taken some ballast off him.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment rests on the Sabathia.

RK: Literally.

WV: In Heintzight, that was a nice hit.

RK: God oh God, Heintz needs to wear number 57

WV: Let's hope Terry Ryan reads this.

RK: Not a doubt in my mind.

WV: In Heintzight, that was stupid.

RK: Cuddyeresque


RK: I lhike Jhonny, bhecause iht's lhike hhis nhame ihs ahn ahnagram

WV: Best anagram ever for Johnny Peralta: Japan Let Horny

RK: Why must you torment me, Donnie Garko? It's a mad world!

WV: Garko keeps it in the parko

RK: Josh Garfield up to try and get Jon's lasagna.

WV: And send Odie to Abu Dhabi

RK: It'd be funny if in light of current events, he tried to send Odie to Abu Ghraib and then Odie at the end of the strip would say "NOT FUNNY!"


RK: Wow, when CC can run that down...

WV: Well, we're within 1, so that's something.

RK: And that quick inning helped make up the rain delay time... Right?


WV: Baseball, more like boringball, am I right?

RK: Yeah, I'm glad I got that coffee. And have these fire ants crawling all over me. Wait, that's the meth talking

WV: Ha, "why do my teeth itch?"

RK: Surprisingly good effort from the 3rd stringer

WV: He shouldn't be ashamed of that throw, that was on Silva.

RK: Just as good as a strikeout

WV: Walking Hafner might not be the worst of ideas

RK: One of those intentional unintentional walks.

WV: May as well count that as a run at this point

RK: You see into the future!

WV: Hafner thinks to himself, "I've had enough, I'm going to Smokey's"

RK: "But pumpkin! You can't swim!"

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment has a kink in its slide mechanism

RK: He'll get his hydraulic pumps greased between innings

WV: Pretty good pitch

RK: Indeed.


WV: This whole warning business is ridiculous, we should get a chance to retaliate first, right?

RK: Exactly - and I want more fights in general, because I firmly believe that Justin could single handedly put down anybody on their team

WV: You know, Sabathia's control has been spot on so far tonight. I'm not totally convinced that wasn't intentional, but whatever. It's a grown-up's game, no crying in baseball.

RK: Right, but 2 innings later, we plunk Hafner, and it should be OK.

WV: Yeah, just wait until Silva's about to be taken out, then the benches will clear.

RK: I love this hard-nosed old-school stuff. Enjoy some classic baseball fights:

WV: OK, we need to upgrade more than the sliding mechanism on the LFE

RK: But the heart is fine.

WV: Though, I appreciated the bunt, sort of a fuck you to C.C.

RK: If only Heintz 57 were as runny as A1


WV: Silva's looking... good

RK: Going down smoother than Silver Wolf vodka, that's for sure.

WV: Ryan?

RK: Honestly, I think his name is Donnie now. He may as well just change it.




RK: My night is complete.

WV: I miss him.

RK: Me too. Maybe to a disturbing degree.

WV: Cleveland's announcers being awfully magnanimous towards Mr. Blyleven

RK: Anybody who likes Bert is a friend of mine. After the game.

WV: I also love the fact that Cleveland's number for tickets is still 420-HITS. Nobody's brought that up yet?

RK: That would be like if Premium Grain Belt had an advertisement for tickets and you called 612-BEER for tickets

WV: It'd be like if Cuddyer's calling card said 1-800-HOWDOYOUGOOPPOSITEFIELD?

RK: Yikes

WV: Apparently the strike zone in this game is from the ankles to the letters

RK: When Blue feels like it


RK: Wow, that was just like Garfield chasing a mouse

WV: It's a real shame that we're making a habit of not giving Gordo a chance to win, what comes around goes around, I suppose.

RK: It's nice to watch a close game though

WV: Silva, make like a Mighty Mighty Bosstones album and PAY ATTENTION!

RK: That's the impression that you get?

WV: Sizemore is the Rascal King, but still.

RK: Hahaha, indeed, Stacey. West Side Liquors - there's one near me! I'm a Johnny myself though.

WV: Somewhere Dark Beard shakes his head.

RK: And then casts another line.

WV: Well that's nice

RK: What a crook

WV: Remember when we were good?

RK: No.

WV: Do you remember rock n' roll radio?

RK: I'm sorry, I was referencing New Order's greatest hits album, "No." Yes, I remember when we were good

WV: I wish Dark Beard would pull a Clemens and reconsider this retirement thing.

RK: Except for the whole being a douchemuffin thing


RK: Here's something to take your mind off the game for a second:

WV: Justin, your time has come!

RK: Riiiiise up!

WV: Or not

RK: Ground weakly to first, whatever.

WV: That would surprised me any other time but in this series. Of course Pheralta mhakes thhat chatch.


RK: Where did that strikeout come from?

WV: Well, that whole inning in general.

RK: Wow. Now let's get some runs!


RK: And like presidential history, Nixon precludes Ford's glory

WV: You just can't get away from Nixon when you're Ford

RK: There's always gonna be that aspect to your legacy.

WV: No matter how many stairs you fall down.

RK: What a crook in right field

WV: Damn son, we can't buy a hit tonight.

RK: John Gordon and Bob Uecker need to switch positions the rest of the season.


RK: Casey Blake, justifying his presence in the big leagues.

WV: Did you ever actually see "Back to the Minors"?

RK: Yeah, it's awful. Not as bad as Spiderman 3 though.

WV: That's even more of a shame, though I can't say I was that keen on the 2nd installment. Chris Heintz is, in fact, a catcher right?

RK: I do believe he's listed as such on the scorecard. Just think of Tom Prince and feel better

WV: Nixon absconds to the dugout, leaves Ford to finish the play.

RK: Sometimes, these things just write themselves.

WV: Too bad there isn't a Carter or Reagen on the rosters

RK: I guarantee that Neshek owns "Year Zero"

WV: He was in a Mötorhead cover band in high school

RK: I hope to God that's true.

WV: oh sorry, it's Motörhead. You know, that doesn't even make sense.

RK: No, no it doesn't.

WV: This would be the wheels falling off.

RK: Are we downgrading this team to Little Big League status?

WV: We may be there.


RK: Damn you, Casey Blake

WV: I'm going to be driven to drink.


WV's off to watch some LOST, so you got me. I'm feeling the love.

Seriously, wait, who the hell's pitching for us? The farm system is WV's territory. I can't make out the name: Spatula? Well, I'm gonna call him that.

DePaula, SchmePaula, I like Spatula better.

I'm having a strange night.

As pessimistic as I always sound, I always hold a little space for a comeback. We shall see.


Wow, are my eyes screwy.

I mean, like, they're all fuzzy. Hence why I couldn't read DePaula's jersey. My eyes probably need a rest.


I'm going to have a nap. Then I'll fire ze missiles! Guys, I'm not gonna lie to you, I feel like we're losing our grip on things this season. Maybe they'll do a 2006, but I don't want to live through that again. I hope I'm wrong, but boy is this not looking good.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Jonesin' For Some Power, or "The Byrds Seized the Swords"


Like Tim the Toolman Taylor, the Twins are looking for some power, and they've turned to Garrett Jones, a somewhat older (perhaps approaching social security benefits from the view of some Twins observers) minor leaguer called up to replace the Pontoon's place in the rotation.

I'd say something to calm his nerves, but I'm not one for tranquility. I'd tell him, with Ponson gone, that he doesn't have big shoes to fill, but in a way he does....REALLY big shoes.

In case you're wondering, the reference to the seizing the swords bit is the best and most inane way to waste your time: Swords For Dinner


RK: Haha, I like one of these pairs of announcers... "Only the writers in New York thought Justin Morneau didn't deserve the MVP, but they can't fawn over Jeter enough"

WV: Ha!

RK: Generally speaking, you can expect that result when Torii falls behind in the count


RK: Oh God, I forgot for a second that Casey Blake played for the team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays near Lake Erie

WV: Indeed he does, unfortunately so does Hafner, who has probably already hit for the cycle tonight.

WV:Ominous start.

RK: *headdesk*

WV: They're crediting Blake with a base hit?

RK: Hmm.Punto didn't touch the ball

WV: I was sort of liking having the lead for a while there.

RK: Yeah, i had a pretty good last 15 minutes or so

RK: So let me take this opportunity to let our good readers know why I've been so absent

RK: Instead of going to conferences, I was merely maximizing my time with a bunch of my friends who finished school and are off to wherever. Mea culpa

WV: You are indeed the yin to my yang

RK: Ah. Well, if we did crunk rap we'd be the Yin Yang Twins

RK: And if we played Defender I could be your hyperspace

WV: And if I nearly gave up grand slams we'd cut the lead to 2-1.

WV: Home run. Ok then.

RK: Dhammit, Jhonny

RK: So uh, Jerry Falwell's dead, huh? Focus on the positives

WV: Oh snap. Paris Hilton traumatized over prison sentence?

RK: There should be shirts that say "DON'T FREE PARIS"

WV: Ramon is definitely the Wrong Ortiz tonight.

RK: Garfield I mean Barfield legged that one out

RK: These are the times that try men's souls

WV: Maybe we should've had someone up in the bullpen a little while ago

WV: At this rate the game will end 54 to 18

RK: That's math for you. By the way, did you all know that I'm currently employed by the Engineering Department of all places?

WV: How's that working out?

RK: I teach them how to analyze qualitative data

WV: Have they learned anything?

RK: Remains to be seen

WV: I think Ortiz is doing what in psychoanalysis would be "acting out"

RK: Sweet merciful Jebus

WV: You know, he's begging to be taken out, but no one's listening. Like when a meth head shoots up in front of a police station.


RK: Much like Doug/Wayne Rich/Molloy last night in "The Riches" which is a brilliant show by the way

WV: I get the feeling this is going to be a long night for us

RK: Without question

WV: But let's wish Jones the best of luck on his major league debut

RK: It's gonna be a little weird for me seeing a Twin named Jones who isn't Jacque
Wow, that was some dubious grammatical structure there.


RK: I'll have the magnificent 7 from Glen Perkins

RK: Y'know, I bet there aren't many career criminals named Glen.

RK: And apparently, nor are there many pitchers named Glen who throw strikes

WV: Long night huh.

RK: So uh... what are you up to this summer?

WV: Moving to California mostly.

WV: Some reading, writing.

RK: I'll be doing some 'rithmetic

WV: We've got it all covered.

RK: Wow, it's like that groundball was like "Mama said knock you out" to Punto

WV: Not a great night, defensively, for Punto

RK: Oh my God, an out?!

WV: Redmond thinks to himself, "I'm too old for this shit"

RK: I think that to myself every morning

WV: And Glen Perkins runs an interference play

RK: Not much you can say about this.

WV: Well, Cuddly's got a hell of an arm

RK: And Jerry Falwell's dead.


RK: Jacobs Field has a "Panini Cam". Do they also have a Blintz Boxscore
That's ridiculous. I mean, my gelato call to the bullpen makes sense, but Panini Cam is ridiculous

WV: These two teams could not be any more polarized

RK: This game is a binary that I can accept. It's renewing my faith in dualism

WV: Right, bring back the Cold War

WV: And Dickens

WV: And dialectical materialism

RK: And the Santa Fe Chalupa

WV: Maybe they can dig up the corpse of Terry Mulholland and put him in

RK: I might switch places with Christopher Multosanti right now

WV: Almost 1/3 over.


WV: You know what I care very, very little about? Chuck Lofgren and the rest of the Indians farm system

RK: I think the teams should agree to play church league softball rules. 7 innings and everybody starts with a 1-1 count

WV: Well, looks like everybody's getting a chance to pitch today

RK: Even Guerrierrreeeat!


WV: Pretty depressing stuff here. Bright side: Punto gets a hit. Yep, that's it. Sigh.

RK: All of these innings are bleeding into each other

WV: Jesus, Shopach could enter a log-throwing contest

RK: And so it goes. This game is redundant like a Green Day song

WV: I wish it were as short

RK: Punk music is good for my attention span


More of the same.


WV: You know what the real bright spot of the evening is? That we've introduced our readers to "Swords for Dinner"

RK: You too can be an academic!

WV: Only 6 more runs to make up.

RK: That's what Justin calls "Doin' the damn thing"


RK: Really, really, rough day for Little Nicky

WV: Rough day for Twins bloggers

RK: I don't think Gardy's gonna playfully bark at his wife tonight

WV: I think he'd rather jam a syringe filled with raw sewage into his arm

RK: Really killing my buzz here


Try again next time?

Friday, May 11, 2007


Deep In The Bowels Of The Strib: An Excursion

Hello everyone,

I'm trapped in Nova Scotia giving a paper and hence the dearth of blogging.
But here's a somewhat dated entry to get you through until Tuesday.


This entry, due to the sensitive nature of its subject matter, will maintain anonymity. Let’s just say that it concerns two bloggers, whose flippant and fatuous site will remain hidden and a certain columnist, who recently wrote a grumpy piece about blogging, let’s call him P., that’s too obvious. How about Pat R.

WV: RK, a clear component of RAGNAROK is the duty to right baseball wrongs right?

RK: That and Nordic mythology, but whatever helps you start this entry just go with it.

WV: Now, being meta-blogical, I’m not quite prepared to discover what’s outside the cave.

RK: Anyway, what wrong are we writing...get it? [pause, tap tap] Is this thing on?

WV: We’re out to infiltrate the Strib compound and show P.Reusse or Pat R. that worthwhile content can be and is written in the blogosphere.

RK: I see, well we’ll have to infiltrate the Strib compound.

WV: How about the front door? I bet there’s a receptionist and everything.

RK: Always the pragmatist.

Inside the compound:

WV: So the receptionist told us to follow the pounding noise....

RK: And to go down these stairs, which seem to descend quite a ways into the underworld...and oddly, each landing is referred to as a circle. Isn't that wacky?

WV: Ah, the 7th. I do believe the pounding is coming from here. Do you feel a bit toasty?
RK: Downright feverish. Chalky pale folks like you and me stand no chance under these conditions. Like two snowballs in hell [there, good reader, the reference is explicit, are you happy?].
They come to P. Reusse or Pat R.’s office

RK and/or WV: Wow, a mallet and a chisel, ever heard of a laptop?

P. Reusse or Pat R.: Are you kidding? When I say I hammer out columns, what do you
think I’m referring to?

WV and/or RK: Certainly not a Thinkpad. Count it!

P. Reusse or Pat R: So who exactly are you guys?

WV and/or RK: Just a couple of bloggers who saw your column and wanted to
straighten out a few things. We’re the ironers of the blogosphere, the Enemies of Promise, veritable Tony Sopranos.

P. Reusse or Pat R.: Wait a second---you sound like Souhan. Did Souhan send you?

WV and/or RK: No, we just wanted to say that there are serious bloggers who say
worthwhile things....which if you knew better would seem
shamefully ironic coming from us [who shall remain nameless].

P. Reusse or Pat R.: You young punks think you know everything. Come on, ask me
anything, I’ll show you.

WV and/or RK: Ok, what does 2+2+Enlightenment equal?

P. Reusse or Pat R.: I don’t understand, enlightenment isn’t quantif.....

WV and/or RK: Times up! The answer’s Jimmy John’s. Ask the MVP about it.

P. Reusse or Pat R.: You know, you guys aren’t half bad. We cagey old folk sometimes
aren’t sure how to handle these thing-a-ma-bobbers you whippersnappers think up.

WV and/or RK: Well, you must have a lot of free time on your hands, why don’t
you give the blogging gambit a shot like Lavelle and JC?

P.Reusse or Pat R.: Well I do have time to spare but you know, I listen to the A.M.
radio, I listen to the the oldies songs and some current events, you know, the D.J.s like to talk. It’s not MTZ like you kids listen to...........(© Adam Sandler 1996)

WV and/or RK: You know, our blog shares a real affinity with Paul Harvey, we
seamlessly tell the entirety of the story. We also liveblog...

P. Reusse or Pat R.: Liveblog? During the games? Man, I’m too busy playing whist
with Sid in the press box to do that sort of thing.

WV and/or RK: Hey, why don’t you get yourself a computer, and I’m sure any of
us Twins bloggers would show you the ropes. We really are, usually, a magnanimous group [Here’s where I plug the upcoming get together of Twins bloggers at Buffalo Wild Wings—wish I could go].

P.Reusse or Pat R.: Nah, the Strib has only recently wired my office with electricity,
I’m still trying to get the hang of this telegraph...damn Edison and
his harebrained pursuits.

WV and/or RK: Alright, we hope our visit has been somewhat illuminating for you.

P. Reusse or Pat R.: You guys go and have a good time. Hey maybe you guys come
back tomorrow?

WV and/or RK: Nah...I don’t think so man, being homeless and everything we gotta protect our cardboard box by the garbage incinerator from the other jackal bloggers. That Twins Geek can be real vicious when someone tries to lift his template.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007



Twins’ GM Terry Ryan has recently responded to criticism regarding the team’s errant ways as of late, leading the team to a near .500 mark and falling 4 games out of 1st in the A.L. Central. The problem is that you need to understand the strange dialect Ryan utilizes when talking to reporters, a language we here at P.A.B. like to call “Gobbledegookian”. Luckily, we’ve gotten our hands on an English-Gobbledegookian dictionary and have deciphered his criptic remarks for everyone’s enjoyment:

Gobbledegookian: "It's pitching and defense, If we had played defense the last couple of games we would have been all right. We didn't. We didn't play defense down in Tampa Bay, and it hurt us. We didn't play defense on Sunday. It hurt us.”

English: Even though, through last night’s game, our team ranks 7th in the league in fielding percentage, maybe if I repeat myself 5 times straight no one will notice the 3.17 runs per game we’re averaging over the last 7 games on offense.


Gobbledegookian: “"I don't care about home runs, I care about run production. If we'd get a single here and there with runners in scoring position we would have won a couple games. We had all kinds of chances to win games the other day and we just didn't get a single."

English: I don’t care about logic because paradoxically gettting 10 trillion singles is how we can lead the AL in hitting and go through 9 game stretches where we average 3.17 runs a game. Not coincidentally, in a game where we hit multiple home runs, we magically win AND score more than 5 runs. Furthermore, we had all kinds of chances to reduce Ponson’s weight and we just didn’t get a celery stick.


Not surprisingly, this phenomenon extends outside of baseball. Let’s have a look-see.

Shawn Alexander, and his always on the brink of amputation broken foot:

Gobbledegookian : “I don't even want to get another X-ray until after this camp, If the X-ray shows it's still cracked, it's like, 'OK. What does that mean?"'

English : Here’s the routing number to my bank where you can leave that $15 million in guaranteed money from my $62 million dollar contract I signed last year.


Curt Schilling, on Barry Bonds:

Gobbledegookian : "I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game, so I think the reaction around the league, the game, being what it is, in the case of what people think. Hank Aaron not being there. The commissioner [Bud Selig] trying to figure out where to be. It's sad.”

English : There is either obedience or the church will burn like Hell is burning! And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day or night, who worship the beast and his image!

Kevin McHale, on his ineptness:

Gobbledegookian : "It was a bad season, there's no other way you can say it. ... It was a bad year and I did a bad job. That's the way it is."

Engl... : Oh wait, no translation necessary, that was in English.

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