Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Friends Helping Friends

Hey everybody, sorry to tease, but I have to help a friend move into his new place. So late, you ask? Yeah, I know. Some peoples' children, right?

Monday, July 30, 2007


Alexi - Maybe You Can Become King of the Castle


Luis Castillo is gone. Off to the Mets. In some more name-dropping, I just got back from playing tennis with David Wright's younger brother. I'm not one to assess minor-league (or probably major league, or any kind, actually) talent, but what do you all think? I thought we had a glut of outfielders, but uh, ok. Above-300 hitter, right?


24 pitches later, Baker has retired a batter. Things are looking up! You said it man! Nobody fucks with DeJesus. Except Scott Baker.

And a 1-2-3 first. Hey, we need a snappy name for the strapping young lad playing third. Anybody?


Freaking and The Pear King pull a Spike Lee joint and do the right thing, and Mauer pulls out the big bat to drive them in.

How does one get the name Gil? Is it a shortening of Vergil? Gilbert? Probably Gilbert. I had a colleague once who named his kid Aeneas, and another colleague remarked, "How terrible, to name your kid Anus." Anyway, Sinn Fein's pipe bomb backfired like a Road Runner episode.

The Rubik's Kubel almost made up for it with a blasto gigante, but it was a little bit foul and a little bit rock and roll.

Anticlimactic, Kubel. Not unlike my social life.


Stacey, too true; somebody's gotta fill that spot, but I do indeed believe we'll stick with Punto at second. I'm OK with that, especially if Buscher works out.

Gload sounds like a starfish part you're supposed to look for doing your seventh grade dissection. Remember the crawdads, anyone?

I'm asking a lot of questions tonight, but it's because I care.


I'm pretty sure Scott Baker understands the principles of Ragnarok.


Ha, it appears someone has flagged this blog for objectionable content. I know I'm not consistently funny, but come on! Guy in a 6000 dollar suit can't make an obscure reference? Come on!

I thought about the Busch beer, Sister Jensen, but it's almost too obvious. Not that I'm opposed to beer. God Forbid (put that in a Jersey accent: Gah Fuhbid), but perhaps that's the best option.

Web master, I'm OK with Punto at second. It's that or Casilla, I imagine. At that point, it's pick 'em.


Stacey, we got cow eyes. I don't remember what grade. I think it was actually in some science summer program my parents put me in to: get me out of the house, and see if I was smart. One of those things happened, at least. I remember cutting myself with the blade I was supposed to use for the eye, so uh, yeah. Not smart.

Silver lining, web master; GIDP means there's men on base to begin with. It's about the baby steps.

Mein Gott, Scott Baker looks good thusfar. It'd be nice to touch up Gil Meche (who I'm pretty sure was one of Gimli's uncles) for a few more runs.


Jensen, perhaps, perhaps. Let's let it simmer for a bit, and see what comes up.

Stacey, Gilgamesh - nice. I read that once, and then promptly forgot everything about it. He had a friend, as we all do. Well, some of us. I'm not gonna make any judgments.

And it's over.


In re: KG. We all saw it coming, right? I didn't know until now, so I don't even know where he ended up, but you can't blame the guy for being frustrated on a team that refused to build around him. And I guess you could say he shouldn't have taken such an enormous contract, but that's how the NBA works.

And the perfect game is over.

Oh hi Scott Baker, good to see you back.

Those fastballs are sailing away like a Styx song.

A double play's a double play, any way you can take 'em. Now touch Gil Bellows of Ally McBeal fame for some more runs.


OfJesus did his best Torii Hunter impression. What can you do but tip your cap?

And then some inauspiciousness.


Stacey, I agree. I wouldn't mind seeing RonDL take his hoverboard somewhere else.

Perhaps Scotty has settled down. Perhaps I'd still like to see some damn offense though. I'd also like to see Transformers, even though I know I'll probably be disappointed.


After some snooze-worthy baseball, Tyner just got teased. Now that's just mean. Man.

I really should take the opportunity, during the bottom halves of the innings, to do a little this-n-that. Like hang prints. My office has a baseball theme. I only have Roger Maris hitting his 61st home run and Jackie Robinson stealing home. Any other suggestions? Black and white preferred.


Oh man, Dick mentioned some guy named Dustin. Makes me think of Dustan Mohr. Boy I loved D-Mohr. Guy played with heart. Where's he at, I wonder?

Web master, indeed indeed, but finding a B&W print is tough. There was hardly a more rabid Kirby Puckett fan than I growing up, so I really had to stop myself from congratulating and expressing my eternal love for Charlie Leibrandt. Ms. Leibrandt may have found it, uncouth.

And after a splintered bat almost but doesn't hurt somebody in the stands, it looks like Baker is cruising along after that hiccup. I'm still wary though. And I still want more runs. The bottom of this lineup is sad. It makes me a sad panda.


I hung up some prints. No. Seriously.


The Baker Report is strong. Am I thrilled? Yes I am. Do I understand it's the Royals offense? Yes I do. Am I going to make hypothetical questions of everything and then answer them a la Donald Rumsfeld? It's a nasty habit. Are the Royals on the cusp of putting the Bitch Sox in last place in the AL Central? Well, not when we're done with them, but wouldn't it be delicious if that happened?


Web master, I'm technologically inept. How would I take this picture and have a, say, 16x24 print made from it?


Scott Baker, what has gotten into you? What did you eat for breakfast today? Because I guarantee that's your new breakfast for the rest of your life, every day.

I mean, honestly.

KG to the Celtics? You have got to be kidding me. You're gonna be miserable there too, Kevin. Good lord.


Photowhat? OK, this has officially exceeded the limits of my capabilities. WV is responsible for the technical aspects of this here site.

Oh Jasonjasonjason, you've got to put that bunt down. You're making Gardy "Ruff!" very unhappy.

Luckily, Joe Mauer is a real professional and drives in the run. All three Ribs today brought to you by Joseph L. Mauer.

"3 and 1 with Rondell White on deck." Ooooh, Dick, tell me more scary stories!

Well god.


Nathan does what Nathan does.


So, here's my thesis, suggested by loyal PAB friend TL: Scott Baker is a baseball werewolf. Hence the erratic starts. Tonight's a full moon, and he pitched well. Coincidence? Yes, but I'm gonna run with it. Oh yes, and thanks Joe, for winning the game as well.


To honor the Twins win, loyal PAB friend, TL, has made the following picture for you all to enjoy:

Sunday, July 29, 2007


I Believe In One Or Two Things

First, I believe that it can be your birthday if you want it to be.

Second, I believe in the baseball gods. You see, not only is life akin to a game of baseball, so is SUPERNATURAL LIFE. That's like life but like whoa. This is important, because in the baseball gods hall of fame, they right the wrongs of Cooperstown, and Roger Maris is in the hall. And Pete Rose never will be. Y'hear me?

But those are diversions. Happy birthday!

There are omens, there are portents (and any good PAB reader knows that I don't know the difference - but it's the little references that make us happy. Is there a Ralph's anywhere around here?) and there is RAGNAROK.

Yeah, because it's time.

Look, you don't just happen to have a martini with Charlie Leibrandt's daughter on a weekend excursion down to Charlotte. That's a SIGN.*

*Editor's Note: RK did in fact have a martini with Ms. Leibrandt, this is not a hypothetical, at a bar called Therapy in Charlotte. Therapy, get it? What will they think of next?

And we need these signs. The boys had a rough patch this past week, and luckily, so did Clevelandia and the Motor City Kitties.


I don't know if that part of the Triune Jasoncreature's middle name is actually freaking, but I hope it is.

And the Cubs made a wacky deal involving Jason Kendall. Stupid. Stupid. Ichiro got an insane contract. Stupid. Stupid. This could be a stretch...

Perhaps Torii Hunter will NOT be traded. Except come on. But doesn't a little part of you hope that's not true?

I fully believe that Johan would pitch 5 games in a row, strike out at least ten a game, take no decisions in all 5, but as long as the team won, he'd put the ball in Scott Baker's hand, slap him with all the passion and rage he has, and say "NOW PITCH."

I don't want to hear about next year. Except about Kiko Liriano coming back. God that makes me salivate. Next year is too far away - there might not be a next year, what with all the global warming (just kidding, you crazy liberals! psych! Also, the earth is only like, 100 years old so how do you even know?)

But really, I believe in fossils. But not enough to warrant it being on the list of one or two things I really believe in, because who thinks a lot about fossils? Geologists, perhaps, and god bless 'em. I don't believe in the Fossil brand, however. Shoddy shoddy, says I.

It's going to get worse before it gets better? Hells no! It's been worse; getting beaten like that by the Toronto Matt Stairs and what's left of Troy Glaus's knees is gut-wrenching. Embarrassing. BEAT CLEVELAND. Like we just did twice in a row. Cleveland is beatable. Detroit is beatable. The White Sox are a joke.

But you have to pitch. You have the throw the ball in such a way as that they don't hit it out of the county... Boof, do not avert your eyes.

You have to keep the pitch count down. Rocket Bats, be healed!

You have to find the 2004 version of yourself. Silva, deep down, he's in there.

Garza strip, you're cool. Expectations are pretty low.

Santana is about to flip his shit. Can you see that in his dark, smoldering eyes? He's going to turn in Sandy Koufax numbers, you watch. He's gonna beat opponents so bad, they'll give him two wins and offer alms to the poor in his name.

Y'know, the royal "they."

Or you could skip everything I just said and go with Gardy, and recommend that the team battle its tail off.


Thursday, July 26, 2007


(At Least Half of Us) [Are] Back!

Like a whack-a-mole, I've popped up on the other side of Blacksburg, fully moved in, with all the luxuries I need, like interwebs. I haven't been missing much, but it's not too late to turn this thing around! AVANT!!


Monday, July 16, 2007


Depressing Realizations

Neither WV nor I have lived in the same place for one calendar year since jetting off to our respective liberal arts colleges as tender guppies in the fall of 2000. As such, please be patient with us as we move either across town or across the country and have spotty updates.

MN trip still pending.

Housewarming gifts? Why you shouldn't have! No no, I'll send you our addresses later. Sweet things.


Sunday, July 08, 2007


Open Thread Sabbarth

Party people,

What can I say? Watching Federer pull out the 5-set against Nadal makes me want to hit the courts, get a little tan, work on the backhand, etc. So let me know how it goes for El Gordito as we rest on this day of... rest.


Friday, July 06, 2007


The Battle For The Garza Strip


If anyone has deja vu, it's because we also blogged today's earlier bloodbath in which the Twinkies, despite Ramon Ortiz and Scott Baker's best efforts, scored 20 runs and still white-knuckled themselves a victory. For thoughts there, scroll down.

HEY HAWK--YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOARD....YES! Right where we left off, Justincredible, was just that. 100th Career Shot! Congrats, sir.

I heart crooked numbers.


Hey Garza, 4 fastballs in a row? Have we learned anything? Go see Dr. Bert on how to throw a curveball.

And he eventually caught up to your 6th fastball in a row and hit a single to right field. I'm tapping my foot impatiently, mister.

So Matt, did that curve ball you threw for a swinging strike 3 to Iguchi make him look totally ridiculous? Yeah.

Good thing the Pear King pumped up his Nike Air's so he could catch that high pickoff throw from Garza for the 2nd out.

Watching the Bitch Sox getting picked off and fling their bats all over the field, it's like Major League before they got good.

Clevelandia down 3 to Toronto, the Tiggers down 3 to Boston. The AL East is our friend.

It'd be really great if Jim Thome COULD HOLD ONTO HIS FUCKING BAT! It's not that difficult you clumsy oaf.

Anyways, Matt Garza gets to take some hacks now at Gavin Floyd as we've lost our DH. Gardy will now forever be able to convince Terry Ryan to carry a 3rd catcher. It looked like Redmond was respnsive and ok, perhaps stitches and a concussion.

With any luck, Garza will lose his bat and knock AJ into next Tuesday.

Sit down Thome, you graceless uncoordinated lump of butterfingered shit.


RK: Wow, I hate Jim Thome even more now. I hope the Twins still win playing National League style

WV: As long as Dr. Yes is on our team, we're in good shape.

RK: Justincredible!

WV: Torrincredible! Wha happened!

RK: Torrid Hunter completes the double-dip in Comiskey I mean US Cellular Park

RK: : I mean the place where crazy people attack first base coaches

WV: Right. Hanging sliders are God's gift to hitters


RK: Y'know, for all Dick's talk about the dangers of using both Redmond and Mauer, he's been vilified. I know I rolled my eyes every time he mentioned it

WV: Right. Wow, was that a curve ball Garza just threw for a strike?

RK: Two in a row, son

WV: Too bad Red Dawg's out, I was hoping to use a Bull Durham/Tim Robbins-Kevin Costner motif tonight.

RK: Which ties into the fact that Gary Gaetti is a manager for the Durham Bulls currently

WV: He'd probably be an upgrade at 3rd base at age 50


RK: Garza's looking pretty sharp here

RK: I wonder how often this has happened, where the P had to hit in an AL game

RK: I just saw the replay and FUCK YOU, JAMES THOME

RK: Hopefully that Asshole Who Plays For The White Sox put some flypaper on his gloves

RK: I think we'll drill his ass before the All-Star break

WV: Oh yeah.Let's have Carmel Apple do it

RK: I like the idea. Candy Cane has nothing to lose

WV: For anybody who wonders where our nicknames come from, note the creative juices at work on Carmen Cali at the moment.

RK: Oh, the juices

WV: The etymology of Sinn Fein remains a mystery to us all, though

RK: I want AJ to strike out so very desperately. Damn.

WV: Remember when Jermaine Dye was a potential MVP? That's funny.

RK: That is a good joke


RK: Good to see Cuddy finally getting into the offensive action

WV: Considering the 8 line drives Cuddy has hit right at people today, this has to be some kind of redemption.

WV: The Bitch Sox are to pitching what Bush is to music.

RK: Anathema?

WV: I'm gonna look that one up....and, yes agreed.


RK: I hope we can single-handedly start the Bush v. Smashing Pumpkins debate again.

RK: Those were some bloody battles in 8th grade

RK: But wait, Mr. Stefani isn't making music anymore? O rly?

WV: These games are a lot easier to watch when we're the only ones scoring lots of runs.

RK: Maybe Kubel there was waiting for a ball MORE down the middle of the plate

WV: I could also get used to the Rubick's Kubel being a consistent hitter.

WV: Right, it's pretty obvious these umps are sick of being there.

WV: Hey, look at the Garza Strip dropping down a text book sac bunt.

RK: So here's something vitally important to the baseball game. What happened to Weezer? I'm listening to the Green Album and it's rocking my face clean off my skull. I miss that from them

WV: See, the Geek Chic wave hit, and it hit hard, and suddenly Rivers Cuomo was no longer quirky. He became yuppie, and that's a bad, bad turn to make.

RK: I knew it was the end of an epoch when I saw a music video with them at the Playboy Mansion

RK: But man, the Green Album is summer, if you catch my meaning. Like Jones Green Apple Soda. Tastes like summer. Only way to describe it

WV: At this point Guillen is running out of things to be embarrassed by

RK: Surprising, considering the treasure trove of things

WV: Suppose there's rumblings and grumblings to bring back Jerry Manuel?

RK: I smell a bases-clearing double

RK: Or. Not.


WV: I smell an end to Garza's night.

RK: I pray for a double play ball, but you're right

RK: Nice!

WV: The plaintive cries from Hawk Harrelson for the baserunner to get back just made my night

WV: If were to pick someone to praise for both games, the Pear King would be a dark horse candidate, methinks.

RK: Oh, a regular Bill Bradley in 2000

RK: Or John Edwards in 2004


RK: Moryes; I do believe you've given me a case of the vapors!

WV: The White Sox are like a sports incarnation of My Chemical Romance. Except that they suck EVEN more

RK: And probably wear more makeup

RK: "Getting past that stage of being called the piranhas?"

RK: Is there a better way to describe how this team own the Bitch Sox?

RK: Yeah, let's switch piranhas to "team that bends us over its knee often"

WV: Jesus Queen of Mary

RK: Now this is just... I almost feel sorry for the Southsiders

WV: When Jeff Cirillo is taking you from behind, that's a real problem.

WV: This is like the line of cows going into the slaughterhouse

RK: I want to be a graduate of Moo U!


I'll Take A Double Dipped Comiskey Dilly Bar, Please


After seeing if a pig was flying through the sky and seeing none, I'm not totally convinced that Luis Castillo's extra base hit wasn't a figment of my imagination.

Juan Uribe, forgetting that you need to have the ball in your glove to tag someone out, decides instead to fling it directly at Castillo. Safe at 3rd.

MAUER PAUER! That's a good way to get that batting average above .300. Apparently the magical run support voodoo doll Kevin Slowey was using has been left with Rocket Bats.

Torii'd love to stay in Minnesota but being totally fucking clutch and driving in another run makes it so much easier to cash in elsewhere. Free Agent To Be Meter: 5 Years, 80 Mil.

Jason Kubel is a man who gets things done, and all of these 1st inning runs has me a little nervous. It's a loooong 18 innings boys, a marathon not 50-yard dash.

Jason Tyner is NOT a man who gets things done. No, he's a boy who weakly grounds out.


Scott Baker, you never cease to amaze. Down 3-0, fights back for a strike out. Go ahead, pitch another gem, then we won't have to update our "Praise 'Em".

And a 1-2-3 inning, naturally. I think every Twins fan can appreciate watching Scott Baker strike Jim Thome out. If you didn't, you're probably knitting because you're not familiar with the game of baseball.


Nick Punto: You're not a home run hitter. Someone needs to stand behind you while you bat and whisper "NO!" everytime you try to lift a ball to the outfield.

What's Gilbert Gotfried up to these days? I bet he'd scream a mean "NO!" in LNP's ear.

After a beautiful piece of hitting from Barlett, it looks like Castillo pulled up lame...even by his standards...rounding third. But, he's staying in the game, so let the good times roll.

The Pear King continues his great play, breaking up a potential double play by taking out Juan Uribe's legs at 2nd. This is the kind of sound baseball that would bring a tear to Abner Doubleday's eyes.


OK Rocket Bats--I don't know where you've been hiding, but I want you to slowly retreat and bring back Scott Baker. The one who strikes people out, alright?

2 strike outs. There, ask and you shall receive.


Well I'll be, the Bitch Sox's announcers have figured out how to pitch to Dr. Neau whle the rest of the league hasn't caught on to their secret yet. Good thing they didn't, hitting .320 with a gazillion moon shots last season would've been a bit more difficult the, huh?

Hey Hawk--HE GONE! As in, gone from the field of play. Torii's free agent to be meter: 5 Years, 90 Mil.

Godammit Punto, where is Gilbert Gotfried because I've had enough.

And you can put it on the board--Twins up by 3.


I really, really want to comment on the "Limited Edition Sox Wives Tank Top" but apparently the proceeds going to cancer. Irregular cellular multiplication...you're on my list.

Hey Kubel, how does it feel to see Torii Hunter field your position better than you do? Torii--that catch was a thing of beauty. Free Agent To Be Meter: 5 Years, 95 Million.

You wussy baby Thome, I could get hit by a pitch wearing that much elbow armor too. Final verdict: Better than a homerun, instils fear of God.

Kubel, Torii can't field everything for you. Gotta play the deflection off the wall better, luckily Jim Thome is slower than the IPhone's internet connection.

Jermaine Dye--you get detention for not reading your scouting report and trying to run on Cuddy's arm. Not even close.


This is how things are supposed to work: Castillo and the Pear King get on base, Grand Avenue Joe and the other sluggers drive them in. A simple game.

How things are not supposed to work (for the Bitch Sox): Deflecting a potential double play and then throwing it into right field. I'll send Jon Garland a thank you card for all these gifts.

Hawk's one attempt at insightful commentary: "Yeeeah, this has all been Nintendo...all day....ever since...May 7th."


His next attempt at insightful commentary: "Some days you just gotta outslug the other team".

Isn't that your objective, and usually your requirement, every game? Unless you start 9 Jason Tyners.

JASON KUBEL: WHAMMY! WHAMMY! Party at home plate, Dr. Neau, Mauer and Torii are all invited.

Hawk's next insightful commentary: "Well maybe we won't win this game."

First sensible thing he's said all day.

I can think of many, many reasons why Ozzie Guillen will be fired, and not taking Jon Garland out sooner can now be counted as another.



As Elvis once sang, "when it rains it really pours". Twins up 14 to 4.

Could we use a few of these runs for the Garza Strip's start tonight?

According to Hawk Harrelson, Morneau's shot to right field was a "Perfect double play ball". Right...someone put on the White Stripes' "The Denial Twist".


RK: I don't want to take undue credit, Baker's been a passable pitcher since I essentially cut him off

WV: This is a preview of my parenting style.

RK: God help us all

RK: I need to learn to bite my tongue

WV: Apparently Juan Uribe didn't get the memo that the team was self-destructing.

WV: Oh for fuck's sake.

RK: Let's everybody score a hundred runs today, k?

WV: Well, Ramon Ortiz is warming up, so expect more.

RK: Is it wrong that I'm happy Roddick lost today?

WV: Not at all.

RK: A 130 mph serve only gets you so far

WV: I thought you were going to go with "Being American" but agreed.

RK: I'm also surprised that Neifi Perez tested positive. Not because of a positive test, but that somebody thought to test Neifi Perez

WV: If Neifi Perez weren't juicing he'd be no better at hitting a slider than me.

RK: I'd say that's saying something... but it's not

WV: Dazzle keeps going on and on about how Randerson has no friends in the dugout...I mean, come on. Scott Baker's the one with no friends. Anywhere. Ever.

RK: He just looks so young; maybe his 8th grade science class misses him


RK: Owens wasn't playing deep for Tyner? Huh.

WV: Ha, yeah imagine that.

WV: Nick Punto gets a base hit? Huh.

RK: Someone should win a prize for this

WV: I guess he's due about 20% of the time right

RK: That's like knocking all the milk bottles over at the fair

WV: For the amount of commentary on Ron D.L.'s recovery, you'd think his leg was severed by a combine or something.

RK: Wow, I don't know what this says about him, but I had to think for a minute about who you were talking about


WV: Isn't it awesome we're paying this guy 3 million

RK: Well, that's, uh, for god's sake

WV: Christ, we might as well have left Rocket Bats in.

RK: This is starting to remind me of a short story by T.C. Boyle, about a baseball game that never ends

WV: It's like Rottblatt at Carleton, the softball game they play every spring with an inning for each year the school's been in existence. Usually people have passed out by about inning 50.

RK: "You saw Mauer snatch it back up, so it was low." This is faulty logic, announcerman. Should have have not caught the ball? Should he have protested the call and said, "No, Mr. Umpire, that was a ball?"

WV: I used to think that my existential hell would be tubing on the New River (horrible; TRUST ME). I'm beginning to think this game might be it though


WV: Jesus, Barlett's a good hitter all of the sudden.

RK: The Pear King is fleet afoot

RK: "Lord of mercy" Hahaha, that's something I envision drunk people saying

WV: Haha. Yeah, how about Scott Stahoviak out there in right field.

RK: This ain't beer league, son!

WV: You think Sinn Fein has more powder in that pipe bomb we refer to as a "bat"?

RK: Has a manager ever been fired between games of a double header?

WV: If it has, it was Alan Trammel

RK: Turns out if was actually Ken Boyer in 1980

WV: Remember when these match-ups with the Bitch Sox meant something?

RK: I almost want to stop using Bitch Sox, and maybe refer to them as the limp, flaccid sox

WV: Count it!

WV: I'd say they were rubbing it in, with Morneau tagging up, but Ramon Ortiz is pitching, so

RK: He's a junkball pitcher's junkball pitcher

WV: Masset Hound looks like he's going for Tyner's head

RK: It'd be funny if his first dinger came in a meaningless situation such as this

WV: It'd be something straight out of Breton

RK: It's too bad this is a double-header though. Usually the momentum doesn't carry over, but a boy can hope


RK and WV are finishing up work and storing up energy for the next game, but what we can say is:

RK: Nick Punto walking in a run? This is his kind of game.

RK: Jason Tyner..ugh.

WV: With Punto's RBI, the Vikings go up 18 to 8 over the Bears.

RK: Hey, someone let Rodriguez out of the dugout!

WV: I'd swear we have a pitcher in named Carmen Candi

RK: maybe Camden Carmel

WV: Just called up in fact.

RK: Well I wish Carmel Apples all the best

WV: Yeah this post is now at 1,640 words, so....Tolstoy here we come.

RK: I feel like by the end of the day, we can crash Blogspot's servers and get something longer than Ulysses


WV: I've never been so disappointed in the Twins for scoring this many runs.

RK: Anyone else miss football?

WV: Nah, not even the putrid Vikings offense could put up 20.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


I Walk The Mendoza Line

Dear Mr. Nicholas Paul Punto,

Not being able to score a hit on the field, PAB has a suggestion for you, free of charge: Cover Johnny Cash. Perhaps you'll score a hit on the radio! Here, we've even taken the liberty of adapting some lyrics for you:

I keep a close watch on this batting average of mine,
I keep my stance wide open all the time,
I've made inning ending outs of every kind,
Instead of riding the pine, I walk the Mendoza line.

As sure as night is dark and day is light,
I weakly pop out to the catcher both day and night,
Though I stink as much as potato blight,
Instead of riding the pine, I walk the Mendoza line.

You've got a way to keep Cleveland in sight,
Bench me in favor of a house plant, I don't mind,
Who knows, that might even turn the tide,
Instead of riding the pine, I walk the Mendoza line.

There you go! Feel free to send a copy to Tony Fatista if Johnny Cash isn't your thing.

WV wishes he were the man in black.

Monday, July 02, 2007


Hometown Heroes


I don't want to alarm those of you watching the YES feed, but yes, you'll have to listen to Michael "Every kiss begins with" Kay. But seeing that Roger Clemens is pitching reminds me of an article written by an amazing Minnesotan, yes, you know of whom I speak:

Michael J. Nelson. I'm paraphrasing here, but he enjoyed watching Roger Clemens "whizzing it down his chunky leg in his losing bid to win," in 2004.

I'm getting really nostalgic for MST3K. If I was a rich girl, I'd bring that show back. Anyway.

For those concerned: number one, thank you. Number two, I was just really fatigued, so I'm fine. But you do 270 reps on a bench press and see how you feel! Oh, you're not that stupid. Right.


Michael Kay does look like he's 'bout to put some moves on Paul O'Neill. When you see former players in the booth do you wonder if they're alcoholics/drunks/womanizers or even the trifecta? I mean, the money's pretty good. I feel like if you gave me a few hundred thousand I could make it last forever. I wouldn't need to subject myself to Kay.

"Here's Joe Mauer, last year's batting titleist." Good work, Michael.

I went to a Twins game at Yankee Stadium in 2004, and it was fun. I got to sit 8 rows behind the Yankee dugout, do some solid heckling (one person threatened to break a bottle over my head - trick's on you, pendejo! They're plastic bottles!), got on FSN (probably because of the heckling), and it was all very nice. Then in extra innings, the Twins put in Aaron Fultz, and sure enough, he served up a meatball to Bernie Williams and I've never forgiven him (Fultz, that is). That story was apropos nothing, but it was a 1-2-3 inning anyway.


So far so... not so good for BOOOOOF.

Man, Cuddy was about to do his thing, but the ball hit Damon (or so I believe). Why in sweet hell are people still running on Sweet Cheeks?

And why can't Castillo throw the ball?

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?

Why do birds suddenly appear?

I feel like this is going to be a long night.

Pray for mojo.


Hopefully with the leadoff single and subsequent walk, the Twins can put together a couple of hits to score some runs. Such, such was the tragedy of last night's ballgame. I feel like I should send Scott Baker some flowers or something.

Paul O'Neill, athlete mind-reader. Show on USA soon to follow.

Well, at least Trade Bait moved the runners up.

Favog, they're New Yorkers, I'm probably supposed to say, but I'm not sure I beileve in a singular New York accent. I'm such a heretic.

We're tied up, and Michael Kay is making me hate the universe.


When I make Bobby ATREYUUUUUU! jokes, does anybody get that? Am I the only person who watched The Neverending Story as a child?

Ah, the Boof special. I'm gonna start calling leadoff singles that from now on.

Again, QTF Castillo? I mean, all's well that ends well, etc, but can we get one of those fans on the bowling ball return machines? Aren't those things great? Remember when you were a kid and had no idea what they were or why they were there? God, bowling is depressing.

Poor Mauer, that steal was all on Boof.

And everybody exhale - wait, what? Did Michael Kay say there was "too much ballpark" in RIGHT FIELD AT YANKEE STADIUM? I mean, I understand what he was trying to say, but gah!


I fear the Lew Ford Experiment is programmed tonight for offensivefutility.

Stacey, I have a few suggestions:

1. Take the MTA. I drove the first time I went. That was stupid.
2. Even if you're in the bleachers, the reputation of "Bleacher Creatures" is overblown to almost comical proportions. So you can heckle, I suppose, but it wouldn't make much sense from up there. I'm positive both Jeter and Purple Lips heard me when I yelled "Who'd have thought that 300 million dollars could look so ugly!" Adjust accordingly to where you're sitting.
3. You can usually win people over by admitting that the Yankees had some great teams a long time ago (and they surely did). I focus on Maris because he's my hometown hero.

Favog, I'm not watching ESPN, and now I'm most definitely not going to.


Another Boof Special!

"A Jeterian hit." A Jeterian hit. I'm going to go drink some bleach.

Favog, I have no doubt. ESPN gets really obsessive about such things. When I see the "CHASING AARON" alert on the lower screen crawl, only to see Bonds went 0-2 with a walk, I really wonder if the producers are a collective OCD headcase.

The soon to be Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim struck out. You mark my words.

I'm glad our bullpen is rested. Our because we own the team.

Boof remembers he's a big league pitcher, and we're still tied up.


A little piece of Global Warming makes me giddy about the prospects of scoring a run. But I should show restraint.

Especially when followed up by a not-great at-bat from Michael Cuddyer.

Damn. it. Damn. it.

Look guys, if I wanted to see wasted potential, I'd look at my high school yearbook.


Favog: true.

Stacey: It will be an adventure, and I'm a little jealous. I miss being up in that area.

Boof has thrown approimately 300 pitches.

The only thing better than Kay saying "Ford's built tough," is O'Neill's response: "...Wow."

Oh my Lord, I do declare, Boof "John" Bonser - you are gonna be the death of me.

I've gotta hop in the shower. Let's hope I get out and the Twins have scored 8 or so runs.


Sunday, July 01, 2007


Slowey But Surely

Friday: Twins 11, Detroit 1
Saturday: Twins 8, Detroit 6
Sunday: Detroit 1, Twins 0

RK's bum shoulder has him sympathizing with Jesse Crain but not typing so the weekend wrap-up is left to yours truly. Fox's lovely Game of the Week not being the Twins and not getting cable has prevented me from actually seeing the games, but if Nick Punto can get away with it, so can I, right?

Random thoughts:

1. Speaking of Nick Punto, is he like a forest fire that you just let burn out, at this point? I honestly heard John Gordon say during Sunday's broadcast that Punto's 0 for 14 stretch in this series was a bit of a "slump". Uh, John? When hasn't he been slumping this season? That's like asserting, "Tim McCarver's intelligence has been taking the weekend off".

2. Scott Baker is being haunted by the ghost of pre-cocaine Dwight Gooden, and I sure as hell am not going to call for an exorcism. Not Boof Bonser...not Matt Garza..not Kevin Slowey...not Kiko Liriano, nope, Rocket Bats is our most effective young starter at the moment, despite the loss.

3. If Jim Leyland can look past the infatuation with a pitcher's win/loss record and select Johan for the All Star Game, hopefully Cy Young voters can as well when he finishes the year 18 and 14 with a 2.50 ERA.

4. Good weekend to have a first name that rhymes with Johan, as Yohan Pino pitched a no-no for Class A Fr. Myers. Just wonderful, the last thing we needed was another promising young pitcher. How about going to an 8 man rotation in 2009? Or..ahem..acquiring a decent 3rd baseman.

5. The Twins' AAA affiliate, Rochester, went up against Buffalo yesterday, who, despite all attempts to resist his offensive futility, started Luis Rivas at 2nd base. Luis, naturally, went 0 for 6. ¡VIVA RIVAS!

6. After being confined to the radio feed, I'm now determined to drive around the Metrodome parking lot without a seatbelt talking on my cell phone until Bert Blyleven, Traffic Safety Private Eye deducts my presence and gets on my case.


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