Thursday, December 20, 2007


Hasta Luego, Carlito

'Tis the season of giving, and the Mariners have predictably (C.f. Adrian Beltre) bestowed upon Carlos Silva what likely amounts to his best X-mas present ever: 44 mil over 4 years. To put how ridiculous this is into perspective, consider that Johan made 13 mil last season, but the fact that the MLB free agent market suffers from irrational exuberance is old news.

RK and I have a special place in our hearts for the Chief, and his magical sinker ball-that-doesn't-sink will certainly deprive us of one of our principal sources of bitching and complaining during the upcoming season. That said, Carlos is also in a sense giving the Minnesota Twins and its fan base a gift of his own: A series of gift-wrapped BP fast balls down the middle of the plate that the Twins will happily launch into the left, center and right field bleachers of Safeco Field. In advance Carlos, thank you.

As a final token of friendship to the Chief, we dedicate the HumahuaqueƱo video to Mr. Silva. This, incidentally, is our gift to you all:


Tuesday, December 11, 2007


The Monroe Doctrine

To prevent future corner outfield colonization and remain neutral in future Central Division title wars, the Twins have agreed to terms with another player with a predilection for toeing the Mendoza line. Tony Batista Juan Castro Ramon Ortiz Craig Monroe will, however, provide that ever-elusive veteran leadership, probably take at-bats from young 'uns like Dude Yer Gettin' A Delmon and also battle his tail off.

After some uncharacteristic hot stove dabbling at the Winter Meetings, the Twins front office has returned to their Page 2 off-season acquisition ways. In other words, if this were a Comcast commercial, Bill Smith and Ron Gardenhire would be the Slowskys and be swearing their loyalty to DSL.

Thursday, December 06, 2007


Sweet Silence

You know things have gotten a little weird when you're contemplating whether or not to type "Johan Santana still being on your team is a disappointing development". Being in grad school, I don't have to be a realist, so I will continue living in my fantasy world happy that we have the best pitcher in baseball, the best pitcher of this decade, on our team.

That said, changes may be in store. One wonders if our inactivity in the Rule 5 draft today had less to do with the quality of players and more to do with the perception that come Spring Training the 40-man roster will be filled up via trades and whatnot. I'd say free agent signings but, come on, my fantasy world only extends so far.

So, with things presumably quieting down on the Twins front, maybe it's time to contemplate more pressing isssues. Like:

Are the Timberwolves the worst NBA team ever? They're off to the franchise's worst start ever, and that's saying something.

Will the Viqueens make the playoffs?

Have the Grammys completely surrendered all dignity? Or did that already happen last year when "My Humps" won record of the year?

Will Twins beat writer Joe Christenson ever stop being annoyed that his job requires him to follow up on rumors swirling around Santana? I mean, it's your job to cover the Twins guys, and that's what's going on right now with the team. In my own case, I could bitch about editorials continuing to publish those pesky books that need to be read/taught/criticized, but I've found that spitting at the rain is a poor way to spend my time.

I'm WV, and that's the rest of the story.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Baby Huey Steinbrenner

But I don't waaaaaaaaaaant to have patience, I want Johan now!!! You know what Bill? You just watch---I'm going to pull out of these talks for good! Don't believe me? Huh? What do you mean you don't want Ian Kennedy?? Fine!! Phil Hughes it is. Now come on, just say yes!! Puhleassssssseee?????? Fine! You just watch! I'll pull out of these talks right now. Don't think I can? You just watch me! Do you understand what 'deadline' means? The deal is dead! I told you I'd do it! This thing is dead! Just like your stupid poopy face.

24 Hours Later

Bill? Bill? It's dead, you know, the Johan thing........If you're not doing anything else, I mean, if you're not too wanna come hang out at my suite? Maybe bring your Santana toys with you? I just love too much, Mr. Smith.


Paging Joe Montana for Comment

As the Evil Empire continues its Buerhle-esque deal with the devil for perfection, I'm going to point your attention to something Steve Young just said:

"The Patriots kinda invented beating up the tight end; they've raped and pillaged tight ends for years."

Submitted without comment.

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Monday, December 03, 2007


Heavy Pettitte-ing

Good Monday morning everyone. News reports this morning are reaffirming that the annual Bronx Bomber incestual slobberfest is in full swing, with Andy Pettitte reportedly close to resigning with the team . We don't know what this means for the Johan discussions, but we do know that Jim Leyritz and Scott Brocious are feverishly calling their agents wondering where their contract extensions are.

As for Hank Steinbrenner.....

I for one won't be disappointed if nobody gets Johan--if only because the richest of the rich won't get what they want. And it won't be like not giving Bill Gates a brand new Ferrari--because he'd just pay someone to build another one. But you can't build another Johan! So ha! Uh, for at least a year, anyway.


Santana Trade Breakthrough!

In a shocking Johan trade breakthrough, it has been discovered that there are other people who reportedly play for the Minnesota Twins who haven't been traded.

LaVelle is reporting that Lew Ford is closing in on a deal with the Hanshin Tigers in Japan. We liked this better when the movie had Tom Selleck in it.

Make no mistake, Lew puts the "world" into World of Warcraft.

At the same time, we wonder where LeRoy will end up... besides the Great American Steak Buffet on University Street, Fargo North Dakota.

Sunday, December 02, 2007


Upping the Santana Ante

While news on the Johan front has been conspicuously quiet today, we've learned that Boston is willing to include Jacoby, but not Lester along with other prospects while the Yankees have their panties in a bunch and have instituted a deadline of tomorrow (Monday) for the Twins to take or leave their offer of Hughes, Cabrera and the guy who sells pretzels at the corner of 161st St. and River Ave., with the promise that he'll no longer smell like a stale can of Natty Ice.

Rather than speculating on what B.S. should do, as some 365 inquiring minds already have done over at Joe C's site , we'd rather tackle the question of other people's misfortune.

On one hand, we feel a great sense of schadenfreude toward Eli Manning, who despite not doing anything to help the Giants win, unfailingly tries to look like he's auditioning to be a J. Crew model after every game.

Then on the other, let's say left hand, we've got Bill Smith, whose misfortune involves dumping a 2-time Cy Young winning pitcher in his prime to one of the Axis of Evil. It's like dumping the prom queen because she insists on eating at Red Loster instead of Applebee's.

Saturday, December 01, 2007


Santana Ana Trade Winds Take Platonic Twist


The Bos/Wash Media Superstructure is reporting that Boston generated a few new ideas for its proposed offer in light of the Yankees reversion to their greedy little goblin ways by throwing in one Philip Hughes into their gurgling Johan soup cauldron.

Ideas? Trust me, this is one phone conversation we don't need LaVelle to report on his blog, because we all know how it went:

T.E. aka Wunderkid: Alright Smith, you've decided to play hardball. Well I've entered this new development into my new-fangled Bill James Vorporizer and it's generated what we like to call around here, "ideas".

B.S.: Uh....Thanks Plato, but we're interested in acquiring a centerfielder not named after a scrumptious cereal.

T.E.: Ok ok, how about this idea: Coco Crisp will change his name to Jacoby and we'll also throw into the offer my Aunt Bea's recipe for Boston baked beans and New England clam chowder.

B.S.: That's B.S.

T.E.: No, you're B.S....oh.

B.S.: Besides, Chunky soup makes a more than suitable clam chowder. Anything else?

T.E.: You know, Belichek got Moss for a 4th round draft pick, I don't believe this shi-


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