Wednesday, September 30, 2009


The one time "El Niño" isn't referring to straight-line winds

Miguel Ángel Sano to sign with Twins

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Oh Hi Evening Game


Tonight's post title is from the cosmically bad 2005 film "The Room." Go ahead and watch what happens when a dude gets 6 million to make a film just because. WV might be stopping by tonight, so who knows? If anybody here wants to write a 2 page reaction to Foucault's "Abnormal" series of lectures at the College de France - feel free. OK we're good. Any other responsibilities I can dump on you people? No? Let's begin.


Just glad we have Dick and Bert again for the night game.

God Verlander is a good pitcher. Seriously. Would you not want this guy on your team?

Hey Ordonez still plays for the Tigers huh?

There's that commercial again that assumes the Tigers will be in the playoffs! Oh, Cassandra, your wise voice so oft ignored.


RK: Dunston checks in looking OK so far... well for all of 1 batter

WV: If Verlander is like the hot cheerleader, Dunston is the farm girl with wide hips perfect for child bearing.

RK: Which is necessary for social reproduction of labor

WV: If Polanco were on our team, he'd be in a distant third behind Casilla and Gomez for thickest goatee.

RK: D-Span caught that like college kids are catching Swine Flu

RK: ... Meaning of course, sexily


WV: At Leland Stanford Jr. University we have a first week tradition where the seniors make out with the freshman on the quad. It was somewhat toned down this year.

RK: At Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University there's a first week tradition where everybody gets blind drunk, and that tradition continues for the rest of the year

RK: Verlander touches 97 like it's nothing

WV: That guy in the stands wearing the Jeremy Bonderman jersey must be lonely.

RK: His buddy with the Mike Maroth jersey couldn't make it

WV: That's bad karma, I'm surprised they let him in.


WV: I don't think that Verlander has thrown anything besides a fastball yet.

RK: Why would you? He's blowing it by them

WV: Well, as Derek Zoolander would say, there's more to life than being hot. He was being sarcastic of course.

RK: Iceman! Spleets!

RK: Well shit.

WV: That was like batting practice. Well the joke is still on Detroit because to get Cabrera they had to take Dontrelle Willis too.

RK: Scott Baker should be taking notes about how to avoid the big inning

WV: Give 'em an Inge, they hit into a double play.

RK: This could be the result of a Miner flaw they had last game


WV: Well, we play best when Detroit jumps out to a 1-0 lead.

RK: The Dutchman is pitching well though

RK: See that wasn't even fair what he did to Punto


WV: It's a shame we can't bring the roof of the dome with us on roadtrips.

RK: So how about a 30 minute rain delay?

WV: I just discovered why the Wii's blue light randomly comes on from time to time. I say this to you nintendo: I'll download your system update when I damn well feel like it

RK: Yeah, don't cave to the New World Order of unified world government

WV: Hmmm

RK: Oh dear.

WV: So how about winning the next 2?

RK: The game is still young.


RK: You know it's been a while since Kubel pounded one... but that'll work too, I guess. Boy, not a lot going on there worth typing about.


WV: Shit, would you believe a double?

RK: And then an infield hit?

WV: Well, when you get down to it, we're starting some guy named Duensing against Justin Verlander. Maybe if we put in Keppel now he won't start on Friday.

RK: Then it would fall to Manship or Liriano and there's your problem

WV: You just grab life by the throat and shake it like a bartender mixing a martini.

RK: Dodge!

RK: Let's see some of that offensive prowess you had last year, Neverhit

WV: If he squeezes his eyes shut and swings with total abandon, he might just hit a shallow pop fly to the outfield.

RK: Pretty close!


WV: But let me ask you this: Do you have what it takes to be an umpire?

RK: I'm not going to Compton to find out!

WV: Because if you go to that camp, they teach you to dodge fastballs by sending you into Compton wearing a red uniform.

RK: Oh I thought I was watching a show about catching big fish, but really it was just Delmon Young flailing at the plate

WV: As frustrating as this is, it's rather entertaining watching this guy pitch.

RK: I know, this guy is a hell of a pitcher, period


WV: I am intrigued by the role that balance balls play in umpiring a major league baseball game.

RK: I'd file it under one of those "oh shit we're charging them a bunch of money we have to make them do something"

RK: Adding and subtracting Bert - I get it

WV: Yeah he's really hammering that home tonight.

RK: Hey didn't Gardy look like a ray of sunshine there popping out of the dugout

WV: Ok then.

RK: Game... is still... young?

WV: You have to expect that Keppel will give up a couple of runs just to warm up, he'll be fine now.

RK: So long as it's out of his system


RK: The 6th inning magic that I may be making up should make an appearance

RK: Span the Bran Muffin got lucky there, just cold goin' for two.

WV: Well, it's either this or Ace of Cakes, so I'm going to keep watching Verlander strike us out.

RK: It's time for Mauer to get a hit today

RK: How is this freak of nature hitting 98 in the 6th?

WV: I got a generic bake and rise pizza for dinner, so no matter what happens today there will be a silver lining. Prettay pret-tay pretty good

RK: That's how I feel every day with my Magic Bullet blender. I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to make pizza with it

WV: Oh for sure

RK: Not gonna lie though; the juicer sucks

WV: Who drinks juice anyway

RK: Not I, Caesar

WV: I imagine Leyland will let Verlander throw 150 pitches tonight.

RK: Oh yeah for sure


WV: Well, if you think of it as 3-0, it doesn't seem so terrible.

RK: Right, but they can't give up any more either

WV: Bert just had to get his spanglish-ized pronunciation of Nick Punto into the broadcast

RK: He heard a soccer announcer yell "Gol!" once on Telemundo and it really stuck

WV: He probably wasn't paying attention during the WBC when the Dutch played Italy. Or, he thinks that they speak Spanish in Italy

RK: Are you kidding me with that catch?

WV: Prretttty, pretty good

RK: Pretty soon we'll just see Mauer charging up into the stands like a bull, leaping row upon row

WV: Leyland: Hey come on, throw me out, I need a smoke. Mauer will be for whom the bell tolls.

RK: Jesse Crain warming up? Awesome?

RK: I know I shouldn't be so nervous - something tells me this game is a lost cause, and yet, and yet I can't let go that Joe Mauer will hit a grand slam. Could totes happen.


WV: Well that inning didn't do much to inflate Verlander's pitch count

RK: Huh, hey well that took 13 seconds


Well hello Jesse Crain from 2006


RK: D-Span 2: Book TV getting it done late

WV: And if there were ever a time for Mauer Power, it is now.

RK: Well back to back RsBI from Mauer and Kubel will do too. Within 1! Must not get excited. Getting light-headed and numb and mouth-tingly.

WV: Surprised they're not pitch running for Kubel

RK: Well a base hit scores anybody, right?

WV: You'd think so

WV: That might have been the pitch.

RK: Nah, too far outside. We'll see how it shakes out against Rodney

WV: Alright, well they've at least validated our continued watching of the game


WV: Well fuck

RK: This darkens my mood considerably

WV: And Detroit celebrates like they've all got jobs again

RK: Hello 2008 Matt Guerrier


RK: Well, let's see if the bottom of the lineup can do something here

WV: I guess Mike Redmond is as good as gone huh?

RK: I think it's safe to say

WV: I really wish that Tolbert and Punto weren't the next two hitters. Morneau and his fractured back would give us a better shot here.

RK: It'll be left to Punto

WV: Punto's gotta be due for a homerun right....RIGHT!?????

RK: Derp

WV: Huh.

WV: That dinger last inning sure is a bummer.

RK: Yeah I'm not sure I like this "Granderson" fellow

WV: Or this Raburn guy.


WV: Well what're you gonna do, the next two are winnable


Dissertations Are Hard


Alright look, as the title suggests, dissertations are hard. I read at least a book a day and write at least a page a day and getting through all the alphabet soup of the world of finance, from CDOs and CDSs in the MBS market to a ROE model for IFVs to purchase IPOs (not only from firms like GS and JPMS), and just why does the PPT exist?

But today, today I'm gonna be a hot mess all day, doubleheader and all. So even though I have plenty of things to do (did you know I am giving a test tomorrow that I have yet to write? I am a bad person), this doubleheader has me glued. I suppose it is comforting to know that a twin killing is not absolutely vital, but if they don't, then every single other game the rest of the season is.

So in a good way, MLB just aired a promo about the Tigers and the postseason. Hubris alert!

Hey I'm not watching this game 2 minutes behind y'all since MLBNetwork is picking up the FSNorth feed. So you wanna hang with me? We still good? Anybody come around here? OK!


Did we ever come to a consensus about what Span's nickname oughta be? I like D-Span, Span the Bran Muffin, and uh... well I guess it's between those two.

Looks like Mauer will catch the day game - then moved to DH for the night game? I mean, I don't doubt that Joe Mauer could catch every major league game for every team and still bat .365. Double headers during expanded roster time must be nice for managers.


An inauspicious start for Blackburn, and oh dear, these two games are probably (definitely) going to be the death of me.

Honestly, what is wrong with me you?

Watching Dick and Bert on the teevee is really making me nostalgic for way back when I lived in Minnesota. I won't say my obsessive fandom ruined relationships I had in college, but I definitely made it clear that I was going to be watching the games, and if she had something she'd rather do during those three hours she should just go ahead and do that.

I understand why they're pitching around Cabrera to get to Huff. Perhaps a lesser threat, but here's some anecdata (that portmanteau is a joke! Hahaha!) Huff killed the Twins during the game I saw up in Camden Yards.

And then the Mauer doppelganger makes a liar out of me. Good.


I like the Rubik Kubel's strategy: Get hits by literally (literally) hitting the pitcher. So long as it's on the ass it's OK. I don't want the mushroom man hurt. Doesn't Porcello sound like a kind of mushroom?



Every time the Dread Pirate throws that slow curve my heart leaps into my throat. Perhaps it's a Pavlovian response to how many of his breaking pitches have been hit across state lines. Let's just hope he's channeling game 163. Except that home run to Jim Thome thing.

RK: Inge looks awfully young. Remember back in 2003 when he was a catcher? Good thing he has those tats to seem mega-badass

DK: I remember all too well he being a catcher - visions of throws to third base ending up in Lansing come to mind

DK: Nikolai, I don't like your curveball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curveball. You know why? BECAUSE THE DAMN THING DON'T CURVE

RK: That 0-1 pitch was a strike the end.

DK: Bburn looks like he's taking grooming tricks from Pavano, and at the rate this is going, he's going to need sensitivity training from Ozzie Guillen - he looks pretty pissed off

RK: Where the hell is the strike zone?

DK: I do believe, based on FSN Detroit's long, slow, zoom into Gardy in the Twins dugout, he's asking himself the same question

RK: 41 pitches in 2 innings, another saving grace of the expanded roster


RK: So Morales is DHing, they'll just switcheroo with Mauer tonight, right?

DK: One can only hope

RK: There's not much to right about here. Leviathan called out on strikes, Toblerone fouled out... Let's just hope that the strike zone Mr. Mushroom is getting will also be given to Blackburn.

RK: Heh, Span is listening to me, hitting the ball off of Porcello's ass. Hey here's what I would like to see: a threat mounting with fewer than two outs.


RK: Another leadoff double?! Not a good habit to get into, Mr. Bburn

RK: NICE THROW CUDDY; that is reminiscent of Newman throwing home. In the hunt for omens and portents (and other things that I of course don't believe in), these things help.

DK: That was pretty damn well thrown.

RK: Oh just forgot to breathe there for 2+ minutes. Speaking of bad habits. Cuddy at first, who'd have thought? After that abysmal stint at third. Cuddly McDimples, you're currently the MVP of my heart.


RK: The camera pans sometimes kill me. Welcome back to the game here's an uncomfortably long shot of some fat dude squinting.

(DK is figuring out how to get a better stream than 5 minutes in the past)

Hey Dlmn! Way to be productive! To be honest, I sorta figured you were just out number 3 there. But then Leviathan did just that. I guess it's nice to be getting runners on, but if they could just get 'em in that would be totes clutch.


Well this time it's only a leadoff single, so.... progress?

What is this guess the stance guy? What's going on here? I don't think I like this.

Oh jeezy creezy I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I'm just sitting here wringing my hands, watching Blackburn live on the bleeding edge and it's just frazzling my nerves here.


Porcello also sounds like Porcelain. So perhaps there's some toilet humor here. Heh. Literally! I literally use the word literally correctly.

Also, leadoff double by the Twins! This is what I like to see; turnabout is fair play, you know.

D-Span said he wanted to "shock the world." As much as you and I love the Twins, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe tens of thousands of people care about this.



I will transcribe the Gatorade commercials:

Lock it up
Bull shit, slam it
(Blah blah blah)
Ticket, work it
Lock it up

Hey remember how Detroit owes Dontrelle Willis like 18 million dollars?

And it is the ghost of Dontrelle Willis that is responsible for Nikolai's first 1-2-3 inning.


I feel like I've worked my magic on Dick Bremer. He used to say "quickly oh and two" which doesn't make any sense because the only way to get to 0-2 is quickly. Now he says "two quick strikes" which makes much more sense.

RE: Metrodome Medallions - don't they lose their magic when the team leaves the Metrodome?

I really feel like the strike zone is different for these two pitchers and nobody likes that - hey! Another 2 out hit!


Blackburn has really bounced back from a shaky start. Credit the defense a little luck, but boy am I feeling better than I used to earlier in this game.


Leviathan uses the earthly god powers of sovereignty to get that ball under Polanco's glove.

Katie, take heart. Perhaps you'll see a Roger Federer Gilette commercial. This is a rare time for me to see the Twins on the real life teevee.

2 on, 1 out, Leyland out for a smoke I mean making a move.

And it was apparently a good move. Dammit.


Span O'Cabrera is brilliant. I hope they resign Orlando for this very reason. Also because he is good at baseball?

That 1-2 pitch was a strike! Jose Morales should know, he's had it called like 3 times now.

Seriously, this game has overtones of game 163 last year. I'm getting kinda excited. Kinda the I'm going to pace around my apartment and maybe bake some bread or something because I'm just so damned excited about all this. Good lord.


That was your pitch, Joe. And now 0-4? What kind of witchery is this day?

You know what sounds tasty? A tart with raspberries and brie. That is all.


Sorry. I've been looking up recipes.


So let's just not ever let Sandcastle play till September.



bao, you must have more restraint than I, because my ass would be kicked off campus for how much yelling I'm doing. Or are you more like me in that you often hold office hours in name only and just sit at home because they never come anyway?

Katie, you wanna look up some kind of pastry I can make with fresh fruit and brie? And maybe then make it and send it on out here? I guess I could make it myself, but y'know.

I've just got a pile of raspberries, cold sittin' here, just waiting to be baked into something.



I have the mouth-tingle. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you were young and you were about to get caught and you had that pit in your stomach and then your inner cheeks would go numb and tingle. You know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one.

Then Span just cold singling up the middle.

Then cold taking second on a wild pitch. (this meme is fun! By the way, is the over/misuse of "meme" in itself a meme? A metameme?)

Span just cold lookin' like "Can I just come home now then?"


bao, my good friend Henri? Everyday Life in the Modern World is one of those books I could read again and again. And in fact, I do reread it every few months. At least I think we'd be friends. Y'know, if he were uh, alive. I'm currently supposed to be reading Foucault, but fuck that guy.

Gomez finally remember how to bunt? Could it be a sign of impending RAGNAROK?

Someday I'll break Dick of that bad habit of making fly balls that don't reach the warning track sound like 10-run home runs.


"Big out here for Joe Nathan." Well Bert, not to bicker, but let's assume they all are.

Well! That insurance run was very important then. And now for 3 QUICK OUTS, RIGHT NATHANEST OF JOES?

Hot diggety damn is CarGo fast.

Hot diggety damn does Dlmn run heart-stoppingly weird routes to the ball.

Alright I'll say it: RAGNAROK.

See you back here in a few hours? OKAY WEIRDOS.


Katie, I really like raspberries. Also they're all the way over there (in the kitchen) you know?

That save was Guardado-esque, but things are aligning. You know what I don't care about? Detroit's magic number, because if all goes well - we'll soon be able to concern ourselves with Minnesota's magic number.

Monday, September 07, 2009


What in Tarnation is Going On Here?

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