Tuesday, October 06, 2009


The AL Central Must Be Defended


WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.

I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?

Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:

RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants

WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.

TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.

RK: It could be worse.


RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!

TB: It seems so

WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets

RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse

TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.

WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?

RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?

TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee

WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel

RK: He's the ignoble assassin

WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.

RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing

TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.

RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!

WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.

RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win

WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.

RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on

WV: I see what you did there.


RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better

TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.

RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes

WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?

TB: Nope

RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating

RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.

TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on

WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.

RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer

WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.

RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!

WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?

RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe

TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.

RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system

RK: Damn, a matter of inches

WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.


WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?

RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial

TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever

RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight

WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.

TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.

RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?

WV: Remember what I said about fisting?

RK: I try not to

TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay

RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play

TB: Exxxxhale.

RK: I was waiting to

WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child

RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!


WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.

WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.


RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads

TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.

WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!

RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS

RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit

WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.

TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.

WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?

RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?

WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria

RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance

TB: Gah.

RK: The almost-double play looms large

WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?

RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this


WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.

WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.

RK: As is their wont!


WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.

RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large

TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial

RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it

WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.

RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does

RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way

TB: I guess that kinda works

WV: Little things

RK: I will again call a shot


RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!

TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert

RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!

TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.

RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?

TB: It's time for a Kubelution!

RK: Gah that was his pitch

WV: My thoughts exactly.


TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!

RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything

TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?

RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T

TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.

RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time

TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks

RK: I think a lot of people can say that

RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up

TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?

WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.

TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is

RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone

WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.

RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper

TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?

TB: Again with the fisting

RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning


WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind

RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen

RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker

WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS

WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.

RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power

TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.

RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings


RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?

TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*

RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all

TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.

WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?

RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota

RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.

WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"

TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic


RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs

WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.

RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities

RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in


WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.

TB: Bean him

WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch

WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.

TB: We've done worse

RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start


WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.

RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!

WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)

RK: Right, getting naked with a horse

WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.

RK: It's a gameplan!

TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles

WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit


RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!

WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"

RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS

WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.

RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings

RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate

TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.

WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.

RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true

WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank

WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats

RK: Well well, Mr. V

WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.

TB: Called it.

RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that

WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!

TB: 150% improvement

WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.

TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome

RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome


RK: Well shit


TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?


TB: That no talent ass-clown

RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun

TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.

WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.

TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay

RK: But he said no pun intended!

WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.

TB: Speaking of insane

RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine

RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.

WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.

TB: Uhhhhhh

WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.

RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else

WV: Nope

TB: Can't call that a ball!

RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!

WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.

RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan

WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.

WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"

TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.

WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.

RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom

WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.

TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!

RK: Fisting all night for everyone!


RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee

TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again

WV: So do you sac bunt here?

RK: I say hit and run

TB: I think Span needs to get on here.

WV: Wow how was that a strike.

RK: Anger salad is mixing




RK: I cant feel my fingers

WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.

WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient

RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.

TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!

WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that

TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.

WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.


RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now

TB: Gulp

RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea

WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?

WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.

RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up

TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!

WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.

TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back

RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"

TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck

RK: He's too old for this

TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball


RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes


RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here

WV: Ugh

RK: Couldn't even do that


TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!

RK: That was unfortunate

TB: This is not great

RK: Oh Jesus

WV: Granderson owns Nathan.

RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess

WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING

WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.

RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball

WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.

RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP



RK: ....or LIDP


WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?

TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).

WV: Haha

WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.

RK: Katie: No.

WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???

RK: LNP, you little bastard!

TB: I'm calling a triple

WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"

RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"

WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.

RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song

WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.

RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam

WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.

TB: Ho boy

WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.

RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?

WV: Ulger would've held him

TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.

WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!

TB: This oughta be good


RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?

TB: Crain?

RK: KK says Crain

TB: He's our best option I think

RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse

TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.

WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.

RK: It is many; it is legion

TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them

WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.

RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated

WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.

TB: What's wrong with that one?

WV: I have no clue

RK: Oh god.

WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.


WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?

TB: Yeah, I like this


TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit

WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.

RK: Shades of Hunter in 06

WV: Indeed

TB: And it has come to this

WV: Grrrrrr

TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?

WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.

WV: Who is left on the bench?

RK: Sand Castle

WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.

TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...

WV: Double steal!

RK: I like it!

WV: Man, this is bad.

TB: No me gusta


WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.


WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.

RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky

WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!

RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!

WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!

RK: I like my Japanese car!

WV: Oh fuck me.

RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats

WV: Good slide nonetheless


TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this

WV: My heart is begging for this to end

WV: Casilla was safe by the way

RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go

WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.

TB: More baseball...unbelievable

WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.

WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees

WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.

RK: It's still so cold in the D

WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?

RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good

TB: Keppel?

WV: Yessir

WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?

TB: Well, Gabino

WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.

TB: And Shipman

WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.

RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that

WV: Come on!


RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?

TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.

RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"

WV: It was only a matter of time.

TB: Sigh

WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly

TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.

WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter

TB: Mauer

RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker


RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up

WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.

RK: Haha I'm a liar

RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!

WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.

RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that

WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."

RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"

TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that

RK: Our profession is a vocation

WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.

RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!

WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.

RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices

RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!

WV: Oh fuck

RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon

WV: Walk?

RK: May as well

TB: Yeah

RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)



WV: Goodness gracious.

TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez

WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.

TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first

WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL

TB: dlmn?

WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'

TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy

WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb

TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year




TB: Uhh...hey look, we won


I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.

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