Pulling A Blyleven

A Thing I Made

2011-01-12T16:08:00.002-05:00

I found this in my photos doing some computer cleaning. This is an original 'Shop (this is slang for Photoshop, not Stop and Shop, Shop Til You Drop, or Kelly Shoppach). I present: Mauer throwing a Hadoken (I used to have the free time to do this kinda stuff?)

I... I think it's a metaphor?

What....

2010-12-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

WHAT EVEN IS THIS THING?!

I Will Tell You A Thing About A Guy

2010-02-12T11:52:00.002-05:00

We all live our lives with certain universal truths that shape our worldview, conduct our conduct, and produce our everyday lives.

Here's one of mine: Until proven otherwise, anybody could be a robot.

Like Nick Punto:

Turbo boost?
Good handling around the corners?
A lot of power in such a small machine?

NICK PUNTO IS REALLY THE FIAT PUNTO.

NICK PUNTO CRAZINESS

2010-02-11T23:27:00.003-05:00

Developing... tomorrow... Nick Punto day. It'll be the snOMGpocageddon of the Midatlantic times infinity Rick Reeds in terms of ferocity.

Just kidding! Nick Punto is really the one day a year in which you're allowed to tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt. Take advantage, gents!

(Just kidding about the kidding!) MEET ME BACK HERE TOMORROW.

We Have Arrived

2010-02-10T11:53:00.002-05:00

Readers guess what?

We are on the Twitter! Yes! It's HERE

Why is the username "PABlyleven"? Because of a dearth of available characters for screen names! We needed one more, and this, this will be the death of Twitter.

Until then we envision twatting tweets at members of the MNTwins that are mostly absurd, like @thisisdspan Your batting stance gaze is chilling. Do you do it at the ATM?

And then he will say who are these idiots.

And then people will stop with this whole thing.

The death of Twitter is imminent.

The AL Central Must Be Defended

2009-10-06T16:59:00.030-04:00

PREGAME

WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.

I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?

Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:

RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants

WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.

TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.

RK: It could be worse.

TOP 1ST

RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!

TB: It seems so

WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets

RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse

TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.

WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?

RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?

TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee

WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel

RK: He's the ignoble assassin

WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.

RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing

TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.

RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!

WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.

RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win

WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.

RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on

WV: I see what you did there.

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better

TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.

RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes

WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?

TB: Nope

RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating

RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.

TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on

WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.

RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer

WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.

RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!

WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?

RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe

TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.

RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system

RK: Damn, a matter of inches

WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.

TOP 2ND

WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?

RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial

TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever

RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight

WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.

TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.

RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?

WV: Remember what I said about fisting?

RK: I try not to

TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay

RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play

TB: Exxxxhale.

RK: I was waiting to

WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child

RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.

WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.

TOP 3RD

RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads

TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.

WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!

RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS

RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit

WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.

TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.

WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?

RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?

WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria

RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance

TB: Gah.

RK: The almost-double play looms large

WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?

RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this

TB: ROCKET BATS

WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.

WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.

RK: As is their wont!

BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0

WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.

RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large

TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial

RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it

WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.

RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does

RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way

TB: I guess that kinda works

WV: Little things

RK: I will again call a shot

WV: LITTLE THINGS

RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!

TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert

RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!

TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.

RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?

TB: It's time for a Kubelution!

RK: Gah that was his pitch

WV: My thoughts exactly.

TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1

TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!

RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything

TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?

RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T

TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.

RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time

TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks

RK: I think a lot of people can say that

RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up

TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?

WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.

TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is

RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone

WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.

RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper

TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?

TB: Again with the fisting

RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind

RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen

RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker

WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS

WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.

RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power

TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.

RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?

TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*

RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all

TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.

WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?

RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota

RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.

WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"

TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs

WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.

RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities

RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in

TOP 6TH, SAME

WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.

TB: Bean him

WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch

WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.

TB: We've done worse

RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.

RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!

WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)

RK: Right, getting naked with a horse

WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.

RK: It's a gameplan!

TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles

WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit

TB: KUBELUTION!

RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!

WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"

RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS

WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.

RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings

RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate

TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.

WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.

RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true

WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank

WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats

RK: Well well, Mr. V

WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.

TB: Called it.

RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that

WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!

TB: 150% improvement

WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.

TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome

RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome

WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES

RK: Well shit

TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1

TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?

RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE

TB: That no talent ass-clown

RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun

TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.

WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.

TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay

RK: But he said no pun intended!

WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.

TB: Speaking of insane

RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine

RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.

WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.

TB: Uhhhhhh

WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.

RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else

WV: Nope

TB: Can't call that a ball!

RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!

WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.

RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan

WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.

WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"

TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.

WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.

RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom

WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.

TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!

RK: Fisting all night for everyone!

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee

TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again

WV: So do you sac bunt here?

RK: I say hit and run

TB: I think Span needs to get on here.

WV: Wow how was that a strike.

RK: Anger salad is mixing

WV: GET OUT

RK: FUCK YES

TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

RK: I cant feel my fingers

WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.

WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient

RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.

TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!

WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that

TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.

WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.

TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1

RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now

TB: Gulp

RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea

WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?

WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.

RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up

TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!

WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.

TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back

RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"

TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck

RK: He's too old for this

TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball

TB: SIT DOWN BITCH

RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes

BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4

RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here

WV: Ugh

RK: Couldn't even do that

TOP 9TH, SAME

TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!

RK: That was unfortunate

TB: This is not great

RK: Oh Jesus

WV: Granderson owns Nathan.

RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess

WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING

WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.

RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball

WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.

RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP

WV: THERE IT IS

TB: YES!

RK: ....or LIDP

BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED

WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?

TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).

WV: Haha

WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.

RK: Katie: No.

WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???

RK: LNP, you little bastard!

TB: I'm calling a triple

WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"

RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"

WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.

RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song

WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.

RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam

WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.

TB: Ho boy

WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.

RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?

WV: Ulger would've held him

TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.

WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!

TB: This oughta be good

TOP 10TH, SAME

RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?

TB: Crain?

RK: KK says Crain

TB: He's our best option I think

RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse

TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.

WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.

RK: It is many; it is legion

TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them

WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.

RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated

WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.

TB: What's wrong with that one?

WV: I have no clue

RK: Oh god.

WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.

BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1

WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?

TB: Yeah, I like this

RK: NO WAY

TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit

WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.

RK: Shades of Hunter in 06

WV: Indeed

TB: And it has come to this

WV: Grrrrrr

TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?

WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.

WV: Who is left on the bench?

RK: Sand Castle

WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.

TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...

WV: Double steal!

RK: I like it!

WV: Man, this is bad.

TB: No me gusta

RK: ME GUSTA

WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.

TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE

WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.

RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky

WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!

RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!

WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!

RK: I like my Japanese car!

WV: Oh fuck me.

RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats

WV: Good slide nonetheless

TOP 11TH, TIED

TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this

WV: My heart is begging for this to end

WV: Casilla was safe by the way

RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go

WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.

TB: More baseball...unbelievable

WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.

WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees

WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.

RK: It's still so cold in the D

WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?

RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good

TB: Keppel?

WV: Yessir

WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?

TB: Well, Gabino

WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.

TB: And Shipman

WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.

RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that

WV: Come on!

BOTTOM 11TH, SAME

RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?

TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.

RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"

WV: It was only a matter of time.

TB: Sigh

WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly

TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.

WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter

TB: Mauer

RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker

TOP 12, SAME

RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up

WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.

RK: Haha I'm a liar

RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!

WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.

RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that

WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."

RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"

TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that

RK: Our profession is a vocation

WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.

RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!

WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.

RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices

RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!

WV: Oh fuck

RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon

WV: Walk?

RK: May as well

TB: Yeah

RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)

BOTTOM 12TH, SAME

TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.

WV: Goodness gracious.

TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez

WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.

TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first

WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL

TB: dlmn?

WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'

TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy

WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb

TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year

WV: FUCK YEAH

LDJALKDJ

THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS

TB: Uhh...hey look, we won

POSTGAME

I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.

The one time "El Niño" isn't referring to straight-line winds

2009-09-30T00:17:00.003-04:00

Miguel Ángel Sano to sign with Twins

Oh Hi Evening Game

2009-09-29T18:59:00.018-04:00

PREGAME

Tonight's post title is from the cosmically bad 2005 film "The Room." Go ahead and watch what happens when a dude gets 6 million to make a film just because. WV might be stopping by tonight, so who knows? If anybody here wants to write a 2 page reaction to Foucault's "Abnormal" series of lectures at the College de France - feel free. OK we're good. Any other responsibilities I can dump on you people? No? Let's begin.

TOP 1ST

Just glad we have Dick and Bert again for the night game.

God Verlander is a good pitcher. Seriously. Would you not want this guy on your team?

Hey Ordonez still plays for the Tigers huh?

There's that commercial again that assumes the Tigers will be in the playoffs! Oh, Cassandra, your wise voice so oft ignored.

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Dunston checks in looking OK so far... well for all of 1 batter

WV: If Verlander is like the hot cheerleader, Dunston is the farm girl with wide hips perfect for child bearing.

RK: Which is necessary for social reproduction of labor

WV: If Polanco were on our team, he'd be in a distant third behind Casilla and Gomez for thickest goatee.

RK: D-Span caught that like college kids are catching Swine Flu

RK: ... Meaning of course, sexily

TOP 2ND

WV: At Leland Stanford Jr. University we have a first week tradition where the seniors make out with the freshman on the quad. It was somewhat toned down this year.

RK: At Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University there's a first week tradition where everybody gets blind drunk, and that tradition continues for the rest of the year

RK: Verlander touches 97 like it's nothing

WV: That guy in the stands wearing the Jeremy Bonderman jersey must be lonely.

RK: His buddy with the Mike Maroth jersey couldn't make it

WV: That's bad karma, I'm surprised they let him in.

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I don't think that Verlander has thrown anything besides a fastball yet.

RK: Why would you? He's blowing it by them

WV: Well, as Derek Zoolander would say, there's more to life than being hot. He was being sarcastic of course.

RK: Iceman! Spleets!

RK: Well shit.

WV: That was like batting practice. Well the joke is still on Detroit because to get Cabrera they had to take Dontrelle Willis too.

RK: Scott Baker should be taking notes about how to avoid the big inning

WV: Give 'em an Inge, they hit into a double play.

RK: This could be the result of a Miner flaw they had last game

TOP 3RD, TIGERS UP 1

WV: Well, we play best when Detroit jumps out to a 1-0 lead.

RK: The Dutchman is pitching well though

RK: See that wasn't even fair what he did to Punto

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

WV: It's a shame we can't bring the roof of the dome with us on roadtrips.

RK: So how about a 30 minute rain delay?

WV: I just discovered why the Wii's blue light randomly comes on from time to time. I say this to you nintendo: I'll download your system update when I damn well feel like it

RK: Yeah, don't cave to the New World Order of unified world government

WV: Hmmm

RK: Oh dear.

WV: So how about winning the next 2?

RK: The game is still young.

TOP 4TH, TIGERS UP 3-0

RK: You know it's been a while since Kubel pounded one... but that'll work too, I guess. Boy, not a lot going on there worth typing about.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

WV: Shit, would you believe a double?

RK: And then an infield hit?

WV: Well, when you get down to it, we're starting some guy named Duensing against Justin Verlander. Maybe if we put in Keppel now he won't start on Friday.

RK: Then it would fall to Manship or Liriano and there's your problem

WV: You just grab life by the throat and shake it like a bartender mixing a martini.

RK: Dodge!

RK: Let's see some of that offensive prowess you had last year, Neverhit

WV: If he squeezes his eyes shut and swings with total abandon, he might just hit a shallow pop fly to the outfield.

RK: Pretty close!

TOP 5TH, SAME

WV: But let me ask you this: Do you have what it takes to be an umpire?

RK: I'm not going to Compton to find out!

WV: Because if you go to that camp, they teach you to dodge fastballs by sending you into Compton wearing a red uniform.

RK: Oh I thought I was watching a show about catching big fish, but really it was just Delmon Young flailing at the plate

WV: As frustrating as this is, it's rather entertaining watching this guy pitch.

RK: I know, this guy is a hell of a pitcher, period

BOTTOM 5T, SAME

WV: I am intrigued by the role that balance balls play in umpiring a major league baseball game.

RK: I'd file it under one of those "oh shit we're charging them a bunch of money we have to make them do something"

RK: Adding and subtracting Bert - I get it

WV: Yeah he's really hammering that home tonight.

RK: Hey didn't Gardy look like a ray of sunshine there popping out of the dugout

WV: Ok then.

RK: Game... is still... young?

WV: You have to expect that Keppel will give up a couple of runs just to warm up, he'll be fine now.

RK: So long as it's out of his system

TOP 6TH, TIGERS UP A MILLION

RK: The 6th inning magic that I may be making up should make an appearance

RK: Span the Bran Muffin got lucky there, just cold goin' for two.

WV: Well, it's either this or Ace of Cakes, so I'm going to keep watching Verlander strike us out.

RK: It's time for Mauer to get a hit today

RK: How is this freak of nature hitting 98 in the 6th?

WV: I got a generic bake and rise pizza for dinner, so no matter what happens today there will be a silver lining. Prettay pret-tay pretty good

RK: That's how I feel every day with my Magic Bullet blender. I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to make pizza with it

WV: Oh for sure

RK: Not gonna lie though; the juicer sucks

WV: Who drinks juice anyway

RK: Not I, Caesar

WV: I imagine Leyland will let Verlander throw 150 pitches tonight.

RK: Oh yeah for sure

BOTTOM 6TH, 5-2 LOS TIGRES

WV: Well, if you think of it as 3-0, it doesn't seem so terrible.

RK: Right, but they can't give up any more either

WV: Bert just had to get his spanglish-ized pronunciation of Nick Punto into the broadcast

RK: He heard a soccer announcer yell "Gol!" once on Telemundo and it really stuck

WV: He probably wasn't paying attention during the WBC when the Dutch played Italy. Or, he thinks that they speak Spanish in Italy

RK: Are you kidding me with that catch?

WV: Prretttty, pretty good

RK: Pretty soon we'll just see Mauer charging up into the stands like a bull, leaping row upon row

WV: Leyland: Hey come on, throw me out, I need a smoke. Mauer will be for whom the bell tolls.

RK: Jesse Crain warming up? Awesome?

RK: I know I shouldn't be so nervous - something tells me this game is a lost cause, and yet, and yet I can't let go that Joe Mauer will hit a grand slam. Could totes happen.

TOP 7TH, SAME

WV: Well that inning didn't do much to inflate Verlander's pitch count

RK: Huh, hey well that took 13 seconds

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Well hello Jesse Crain from 2006

TOP 8TH, SAME

RK: D-Span 2: Book TV getting it done late

WV: And if there were ever a time for Mauer Power, it is now.

RK: Well back to back RsBI from Mauer and Kubel will do too. Within 1! Must not get excited. Getting light-headed and numb and mouth-tingly.

WV: Surprised they're not pitch running for Kubel

RK: Well a base hit scores anybody, right?

WV: You'd think so

WV: That might have been the pitch.

RK: Nah, too far outside. We'll see how it shakes out against Rodney

WV: Alright, well they've at least validated our continued watching of the game

BOTTOM 8TH, 5-4 TIGERS

WV: Well fuck

RK: This darkens my mood considerably

WV: And Detroit celebrates like they've all got jobs again

RK: Hello 2008 Matt Guerrier

TOP 9TH, TWINS DOWN 2

RK: Well, let's see if the bottom of the lineup can do something here

WV: I guess Mike Redmond is as good as gone huh?

RK: I think it's safe to say

WV: I really wish that Tolbert and Punto weren't the next two hitters. Morneau and his fractured back would give us a better shot here.

RK: It'll be left to Punto

WV: Punto's gotta be due for a homerun right....RIGHT!?????

RK: Derp

WV: Huh.

WV: That dinger last inning sure is a bummer.

RK: Yeah I'm not sure I like this "Granderson" fellow

WV: Or this Raburn guy.

PREGAME

WV: Well what're you gonna do, the next two are winnable

Dissertations Are Hard

2009-09-29T11:58:00.024-04:00

PREGAME

Alright look, as the title suggests, dissertations are hard. I read at least a book a day and write at least a page a day and getting through all the alphabet soup of the world of finance, from CDOs and CDSs in the MBS market to a ROE model for IFVs to purchase IPOs (not only from firms like GS and JPMS), and just why does the PPT exist?

But today, today I'm gonna be a hot mess all day, doubleheader and all. So even though I have plenty of things to do (did you know I am giving a test tomorrow that I have yet to write? I am a bad person), this doubleheader has me glued. I suppose it is comforting to know that a twin killing is not absolutely vital, but if they don't, then every single other game the rest of the season is.

So in a good way, MLB just aired a promo about the Tigers and the postseason. Hubris alert!

Hey I'm not watching this game 2 minutes behind y'all since MLBNetwork is picking up the FSNorth feed. So you wanna hang with me? We still good? Anybody come around here? OK!

TOP 1ST

Did we ever come to a consensus about what Span's nickname oughta be? I like D-Span, Span the Bran Muffin, and uh... well I guess it's between those two.

Looks like Mauer will catch the day game - then moved to DH for the night game? I mean, I don't doubt that Joe Mauer could catch every major league game for every team and still bat .365. Double headers during expanded roster time must be nice for managers.

BOTTOM 1ST

An inauspicious start for Blackburn, and oh dear, these two games are probably (definitely) going to be the death of me.

Honestly, what is wrong with me you?

Watching Dick and Bert on the teevee is really making me nostalgic for way back when I lived in Minnesota. I won't say my obsessive fandom ruined relationships I had in college, but I definitely made it clear that I was going to be watching the games, and if she had something she'd rather do during those three hours she should just go ahead and do that.

I understand why they're pitching around Cabrera to get to Huff. Perhaps a lesser threat, but here's some anecdata (that portmanteau is a joke! Hahaha!) Huff killed the Twins during the game I saw up in Camden Yards.

And then the Mauer doppelganger makes a liar out of me. Good.

TOP 2ND

I like the Rubik Kubel's strategy: Get hits by literally (literally) hitting the pitcher. So long as it's on the ass it's OK. I don't want the mushroom man hurt. Doesn't Porcello sound like a kind of mushroom?

Gaaaaaaawd.

BOTTOM 2ND

Every time the Dread Pirate throws that slow curve my heart leaps into my throat. Perhaps it's a Pavlovian response to how many of his breaking pitches have been hit across state lines. Let's just hope he's channeling game 163. Except that home run to Jim Thome thing.

RK: Inge looks awfully young. Remember back in 2003 when he was a catcher? Good thing he has those tats to seem mega-badass

DK: I remember all too well he being a catcher - visions of throws to third base ending up in Lansing come to mind

DK: Nikolai, I don't like your curveball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curveball. You know why? BECAUSE THE DAMN THING DON'T CURVE

RK: That 0-1 pitch was a strike the end.

DK: Bburn looks like he's taking grooming tricks from Pavano, and at the rate this is going, he's going to need sensitivity training from Ozzie Guillen - he looks pretty pissed off

RK: Where the hell is the strike zone?

DK: I do believe, based on FSN Detroit's long, slow, zoom into Gardy in the Twins dugout, he's asking himself the same question

RK: 41 pitches in 2 innings, another saving grace of the expanded roster

TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 TIGERS 1

RK: So Morales is DHing, they'll just switcheroo with Mauer tonight, right?

DK: One can only hope

RK: There's not much to right about here. Leviathan called out on strikes, Toblerone fouled out... Let's just hope that the strike zone Mr. Mushroom is getting will also be given to Blackburn.

RK: Heh, Span is listening to me, hitting the ball off of Porcello's ass. Hey here's what I would like to see: a threat mounting with fewer than two outs.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Another leadoff double?! Not a good habit to get into, Mr. Bburn

RK: NICE THROW CUDDY; that is reminiscent of Newman throwing home. In the hunt for omens and portents (and other things that I of course don't believe in), these things help.

DK: That was pretty damn well thrown.

RK: Oh just forgot to breathe there for 2+ minutes. Speaking of bad habits. Cuddy at first, who'd have thought? After that abysmal stint at third. Cuddly McDimples, you're currently the MVP of my heart.

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: The camera pans sometimes kill me. Welcome back to the game here's an uncomfortably long shot of some fat dude squinting.

(DK is figuring out how to get a better stream than 5 minutes in the past)

Hey Dlmn! Way to be productive! To be honest, I sorta figured you were just out number 3 there. But then Leviathan did just that. I guess it's nice to be getting runners on, but if they could just get 'em in that would be totes clutch.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Well this time it's only a leadoff single, so.... progress?

What is this guess the stance guy? What's going on here? I don't think I like this.

Oh jeezy creezy I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I'm just sitting here wringing my hands, watching Blackburn live on the bleeding edge and it's just frazzling my nerves here.

TOP 5TH, SAME

Porcello also sounds like Porcelain. So perhaps there's some toilet humor here. Heh. Literally! I literally use the word literally correctly.

Also, leadoff double by the Twins! This is what I like to see; turnabout is fair play, you know.

D-Span said he wanted to "shock the world." As much as you and I love the Twins, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe tens of thousands of people care about this.

HELL YEAH TIED UP SON

BOTTOM 5TH, TIED AT 1

I will transcribe the Gatorade commercials:

Lock it up
Bull shit, slam it
(Blah blah blah)
Ticket, work it
Lock it up

Hey remember how Detroit owes Dontrelle Willis like 18 million dollars?

And it is the ghost of Dontrelle Willis that is responsible for Nikolai's first 1-2-3 inning.

TOP 6TH, SAME

I feel like I've worked my magic on Dick Bremer. He used to say "quickly oh and two" which doesn't make any sense because the only way to get to 0-2 is quickly. Now he says "two quick strikes" which makes much more sense.

RE: Metrodome Medallions - don't they lose their magic when the team leaves the Metrodome?

I really feel like the strike zone is different for these two pitchers and nobody likes that - hey! Another 2 out hit!

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

Blackburn has really bounced back from a shaky start. Credit the defense a little luck, but boy am I feeling better than I used to earlier in this game.

TOP 7TH, SAME

Leviathan uses the earthly god powers of sovereignty to get that ball under Polanco's glove.

Katie, take heart. Perhaps you'll see a Roger Federer Gilette commercial. This is a rare time for me to see the Twins on the real life teevee.

2 on, 1 out, Leyland out for a smoke I mean making a move.

And it was apparently a good move. Dammit.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Span O'Cabrera is brilliant. I hope they resign Orlando for this very reason. Also because he is good at baseball?

That 1-2 pitch was a strike! Jose Morales should know, he's had it called like 3 times now.

Seriously, this game has overtones of game 163 last year. I'm getting kinda excited. Kinda the I'm going to pace around my apartment and maybe bake some bread or something because I'm just so damned excited about all this. Good lord.

TOP 8TH, SAME

That was your pitch, Joe. And now 0-4? What kind of witchery is this day?

You know what sounds tasty? A tart with raspberries and brie. That is all.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Sorry. I've been looking up recipes.

TOP 9TH, SAME

So let's just not ever let Sandcastle play till September.

FUCK.

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

bao, you must have more restraint than I, because my ass would be kicked off campus for how much yelling I'm doing. Or are you more like me in that you often hold office hours in name only and just sit at home because they never come anyway?

Katie, you wanna look up some kind of pastry I can make with fresh fruit and brie? And maybe then make it and send it on out here? I guess I could make it myself, but y'know.

I've just got a pile of raspberries, cold sittin' here, just waiting to be baked into something.

OH SWEET FRESH HELL. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. GOOD GOD. I'M DEAD.

TOP 10TH, SAME

I have the mouth-tingle. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you were young and you were about to get caught and you had that pit in your stomach and then your inner cheeks would go numb and tingle. You know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one.

Then Span just cold singling up the middle.

Then cold taking second on a wild pitch. (this meme is fun! By the way, is the over/misuse of "meme" in itself a meme? A metameme?)

Span just cold lookin' like "Can I just come home now then?"

FUCK AND YES.

bao, my good friend Henri? Everyday Life in the Modern World is one of those books I could read again and again. And in fact, I do reread it every few months. At least I think we'd be friends. Y'know, if he were uh, alive. I'm currently supposed to be reading Foucault, but fuck that guy.

Gomez finally remember how to bunt? Could it be a sign of impending RAGNAROK?

Someday I'll break Dick of that bad habit of making fly balls that don't reach the warning track sound like 10-run home runs.

BOTTOM 10TH, TWINS 3 MOTOR CITY KITTIES 1

"Big out here for Joe Nathan." Well Bert, not to bicker, but let's assume they all are.

Well! That insurance run was very important then. And now for 3 QUICK OUTS, RIGHT NATHANEST OF JOES?

Hot diggety damn is CarGo fast.

Hot diggety damn does Dlmn run heart-stoppingly weird routes to the ball.

Alright I'll say it: RAGNAROK.

See you back here in a few hours? OKAY WEIRDOS.

POSTGAME

Katie, I really like raspberries. Also they're all the way over there (in the kitchen) you know?

That save was Guardado-esque, but things are aligning. You know what I don't care about? Detroit's magic number, because if all goes well - we'll soon be able to concern ourselves with Minnesota's magic number.

What in Tarnation is Going On Here?

2009-09-07T13:35:00.000-04:00

What In Tarnation is Going on Here

Storms Are Brewing

2009-06-02T20:05:00.015-04:00

PREGAME

Here in Blacksburg, and with Slowey Gin Fizz on the mound. This whole season, every time he takes the mound, I feel good.

Also, storms are apparently brewing for Francisco Liriano. Could the bullpen be in his future?

WV is still (STILL) in school. Crazy California. He is in class right now. Let's all laugh at him.

TOP FIRST

TB's "Slow Ride" moniker is apt - the HHH Metrodome is playing the song of the same title.

"Scouting report brought to you by Bert Blyleven." Uh, duh, Bert.

"I've got the Peter Brady puberty thing going on tonight." Sometimes that happens to me when I'm teaching Dick. Did you just get over a summer cold too?

You can really hear Dick trying to like smooth his voice over a little bit so it doesn't crack. He could moonlight as a slow jazz easy listening adult deejay.

Oh you want me to talk about the game? Was there ever a doubt that he was going to get out of that jam?

BOTTOM 1ST

Oh Twingo. I can't wait to play once again. An uninspiring start, but hey! The game is moving very quickly thusfar.

TOP 2ND

Oh All-You-Can-Eat Seats, I covet you so.

Also, good to hear that thick-ass MN accent just there. "2 hat dags..."

I don't know how this is possible, but it is - the awkward silence after Bert said he was scouting out retirement homes actually lasted longer than the inning. Think about it.

BOTTOM 2ND

Good God this game is flying by. Uh, anybody been to fangraphs.com? Delmon Young is pretty much the least valuable player this year. If you computed his value in terms of dollars, he would pretty much owe the Twins his salary back.

TOP 3RD

"0 for 12 with a hooOOOOO." Wow, come on Dick, this is great, but you'd really make the Iceman's night if you let him get up in the booth for a game.

Hot damn, if I still watched "Baseball Tonight" I would say that was a Web Gem for sure. But I don't watch that anymore. Why, you ask? Because have you seen MLB Network? It's nirvana. You don't get it? Heh. Well then.

In fact, for all of the Capital One defensive plays of the game, let's just show the bottom of that inning. That was damn right Sinn Fein-esque right there.

k-bro, when I think of all you can eat seats I start to salivate and think of the mountains of onions I put on my dogs. Jeezy creezy I'm a sucker for ballpark food.

BOTTOM 3RD

2 out rally? Holy crap it's 2006 again! Oh, those were the days. Well not really. I was still in Virginia. So not much has changed. I have more books now I guess.

Span just cold stealin' that bag. But it's weird because he gets credit for a stolen base (I assume V-Mart on the throwing error?) when really, how do you justify that? I'm OK with it because it's one of the good guys, but in general it should just be a two base error. Do you not agree? Do you feel very strongly about it? Well write about it on your own damn blog. Which you have. And tweet it. Always tweeting.

Oh hooray my video player froze on me again. Awesome.

TOP 4TH, 2-0 TWINS I ASSUME

Wow, Santana took a loss.

Oooh I know the Affleck! 3 Cleveland managers to make the postseason? Wedge, Hargrove, and Phelps.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Sorry, got called away - hey, Delmon's about to get out? Yeah yeah, I've turned on him.

And then he did. So I'm right.

TOP 5TH, SAME

Uh, sorry, didn't have time to really say anything just there.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

Is it too late to build a Joe Mauer statue at Target Field? I hope they've begun it.

Sorry, I'm just like, really popular tonight.

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 4-0

Not only am I popular, Slowey is doing his thing

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

So you know how in church league softball you start with a 1-1 count? We should just assume Dlmn will make an out and speed the game up like that.

And then once again, am I unfairly picking on him? Signs point to no

TOP 7TH, SAME,

OK I'm gonna go get cocktails with my friends. Looks like Slowey's got this in hand

A Worrisome Prospect

2009-05-27T19:55:00.018-04:00

PREGAME

I was just wondering something: do you suppose there are people out there who are fans of the Boston Red Stockings because they saw the awful Jimmy Fallon vehicle "Fever Pitch?" I hope these people don't exist. They would make me shudder.

Hat tip to k-bro for noting that who I thought was Matt Tolbert was indeed Brian Buscher. The less vision-impaired among us will note both the number "32" and the last name "Buscher." Remember how in your high school Psych class you had to try to see the details in the room for an eyewitness report but nobody remembers anything clearly so while you were proud of yourself for counting the bar stools they really wanted to know if you noticed the gallon of blood on the ground? Yeah, this is nothing like that.

But here is a fun optical illusion about how curveballs mess with your mind. But not Bobby Kielty's mind ca. 2003 when he took Barry Zito out of the yard but quick. Remember that?

Here. Click the link to launch the swf.

Oh yes, topical! Kevin Slowey is pitching, so uh, good.

TOP 1ST

Justin, you need a public speaking coach. I'll do it! I would like to be paid in cases of pounders of Premium Grain Belt beer.

FSN Techno Remix!

So - yes! I have a facebook question. A person who I barely know and haven't talked to in (literally) 10 years has friended me. I declined because I do like my facebook friends to be, y'know, people I know or people who are intensely attracted to me. But then! She friended me again. Is this persistence normal? Should I just accept it? Social networking is HARD

Meanwhile Slowey is throwing pitches all the livelong day. Yet nobody is on base. So net result is a good thing? Yes.

BOTTOM 1ST

Hm, I understand the strategy here - Dice K will throw a lot of pitches because he's a control freak (without the commanding control) so they'll take a lot. Yet here he is throwing many strikes. Swing!

Hey it's like Street Fighter II, Hyper Fighting Championship Edition TURBO: HERE COMES A NEW BLOGGER

KK: Okie, so. Here is the deal. Nick Punto cannot be good at both things at once. Last night he had an error but got two doubles. He got an error tonights game, does this mean he will homer?

RK: Probably not, but I like the logic

KK: Me too, I wish most of my logistics would become real.

[and then a bunch of stuff happened and the two K's said stuff that wasn't particularly noteworthy. We'll try harder!]

BOTTOM 2ND

KK: Wow Ortiz just swung and missed three times. Excuse me while I lick my TV screen.

RK: Who watches "Unwrapped?" That show is awful. Food Network should just become the Good Eats and Barefoot Contessa channel.

TOP 3RD

RK: I'll never bag on a guy for getting hits, but didn't the Twins bring Dlmn over to hit dingers?

KK: Why yes we did. But I think it doesn't matter since we have Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, AND Crede for power.

RK: I'm starting to get the nagging suspicion that the Twins front office is starting to regret that trade

KK: Nick Punto doesn't play thriller for his walk on song anymore, and it depresses me. And I bet they are kind of pissed. I mean he hit em out like crazy whilst in Tampa.

RK: What is his new song? I missed it

KK: His old song from last year

TOP 3RD

KK: When I hear "shes my cherry pie" it reminds me of harris. Then I feel awkward.

RK: That song reminds me of seeing that video very early in my life and not understanding the feelings I was feeling

RK: Sneak peek at Ice Road Truckers? OLD NEWS

KK: Here is the sneak peek: the road is ice, it cracks, they make sure you know its scary as shit because they have about 10,000 mics underneath the semis so you can hear all the clunks, creaks and cracks. Most of the men who do such ice road-ings are insane. Fin.

RK: I watched Season 1 with my pops a couple years ago and that's what I came away with

KK: Bases loaded? Really? With Youkilis coming up to bat? I swear these pitchers strictly do these things in awares that they will give me upset stomachs and tension headaches and stress boners at a drop of a hat being a complete suck.

RK: 1 run wouldn't be a terrible outcome here. And so it has come to pass!

BOTTOM 3RD, BOSOX UP 1

KK: Denard Span has a thyroid problem poor baby

RK: Maybe it will turn him into a giant. Or is that pituitary?

KK: Joe Mauer does what you know he'd do

RK: Yeah, there was never a doubt, it was only a question of how

KK: I can also has a Morneau double

RK: These two young men are out their minds

KK: Yeah they are, they must have some crazy sexual tension...I mean good chemistry.

RK: Same thing

RK: Now this is the Daisuke I thought we'd see tonight

RK: Hahaha, here is a picture of Tolbert spitting

KK: Oh, I am enjoying this inning, so much I am type-less

RK: I like this reliable offense we've been having lately

TOP 4TH, RED SOX 1 TWINS 3

BASEBALL

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Man, I could use a 2-out rally here. Straight 2006 style. Punto probably wants it more than I

KK: hahahaha, yeah I bet he is bouncing around shoveling swedish fish in his mouth

TOP 5TH, SAME

The fuck lion doesn't get married, lady.

I like how Slowey Gin Fizz is not allowing many runs, but I would also like to see an inning wherein he doesn't allow a runner to get into scoring position. Also, in the mid-70s pitch count? Tsk tsk!

Which, by the way is a sound where you click your tongue behind clenched, not to be said as "tisk tisk." The sound was developed for comic strips, after all.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

What is Dice-K's pitch count? 345?

2 out rally. Please. Pleasepleaseplease

I'm never satisfied. Maybe I'm just like my mother. Maybe I'm just too demanding, excuse me while I bust out my awesome Prince-inspired dance moves

TOP 6TH, SAME

Gulp.

Jason Bay's been kinda hot lately, and it's OK if it's a solo shot, I suppose. If Slowey stops the bleeding here it'll be not that bad - like the first inning

We who have seen David Ortiz this season completely understand this performance in the Metrodome, amirite?

Insurance runs would make me stop pacing around my apartment like a crazy person.

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1

"And we all need more friends." Dick, you hippie!

This is apparently shaping up to be the Dick inning

"So a Boston native son facing a Minnesota native son!" Well yeah Dick, I mean everyone's from somewhere, right?

Intentional walk to get to Cuddyer? DISRESPEK

I'm not feeling good about this. And no it's nothing I ate because I had dinner 5 hours ago because I'm old.

That's how you get an RBI Cuddy - with your ribs

TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 2

Point of order? Does Cuddy actually get credit for an RBI just there?

Haha point of order. If any of you dorks did Student Congress like I did, it's like a day at the dorkatorium.

Mijares is hungry and wants to get this game over with. I know I shouldn't poke fun at the heavier members of the roster, but the truth is I'm secretly jealous. I don't eat much myself, and I wish I could eat more. Then again, I'll do my best if I can get a ticket to an all you can eat seat game. Mmm. Dome dogs. What now?

I suppose Mijares will be out there again in the top of the 8th

OH NO I'M GOING TO MISS THE SNEAK PEEK OF ICE ROAD TRUCKERS WHATEVER SHALL I DO

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Zaaaahm-bay-ee, zaaaahm-bay-uh-ay-uh-ay-uh

Damn you ground rules! Cargo was on his way home, sweet home! Why must you be like Circe the witch stopping Odysseus from his destination?

Wow, Gomez hit Kottaris pretty hard there. I like it. Shades of Sinn Fein!

And Span's eye is downright Mientkiewiczian! I am brimming with nostalgia. And sex appeal. Mainly nostalgia

TOP 8TH, SAME

Let it ride with Mijares! That would be a catchy slogan for some sort of motorcycle shop or eatery. Or both?

Dr. Jubal, I've been thinking about the old boys lately. Could be that Eric Milton just got a win with the Dodgers, could be that I just wish I was younger. Who knows.

Matt Gruyere, doin' work! Being delicious, aged in a cave.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Dr. Jubal, don't you dare. All of my Twins jerseys are from former players, and I intend to keep it that way. I have Guzman, Pierzynski, Santana, and oh some others who knows. They're all the way in my closet and I just don't have the gumption.

TOP 9TH, SAME

Joe Nathan looks really good tonight. That is very heartening to see.

POSTGAME

The Twins, although there was some offensivefutility when it came to RISP, the pitching came through. Hey - Mauer can't hit a home run every game (yes he can).

Dr. Jubal makes a good point that the caps the twins wear are darker than their uniforms. Someone call Paul Lukas!

The Twins can even up the season series tomorrow and did you know Bert doesn't like all these interleague games? Even though these games are about the only reason the Twins have any hope of playoff contention?

It's Not Pornography, It's Art

2009-05-26T19:34:00.018-04:00

PREGAME

Do you want to see some pictures? Your intrepid blogger took, as Kevin Costner would say in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, But Not British Accents, a roade trippe. Up to Baltimore to Camden Yards, for a Twins game that the Orioles were kind enough to host.

1) The field is beautiful blah blah blah

2) So before the game I took pictures of Twins stretching. Enjoy

I blame the photographer here. That is a horrible shot of a horrible angle. But there I am! You can't really tell, but that's the old "TC" on my hat. In Hokie colors. Synergy! (I go to Virginia Tech, for the uninitiated)

We'll start off nice and easy. That there is naked batting practice, holding it down.

Here's Denard Span, just cold posin' for the camera, even though he's acting like he isn't. TRUE FACT: Denard Span is a diva.

Nice Socks, Mr. Crede. Yes, socks.

Here is (I believe?) Matt Tolbert, trying to find his next ex-wife.

HOT JOE MAUER ACTION COMING UP

Oh hi, I didn't notice you there

The trainer can only conceal so much

Remember, impure thoughts are sinful

Just a warm up for the -

Ladies, you're welcome

Now let's see if the boys can beat the Red Sox for once.

TOP 1ST

Pretty sure the announcer person pregame just said Mauer Pauer. It's OK, we here at PAB don't believe in intellectual property rights.

I fully approve of Dick's sideburns. He looks old in HD.

Admittedly, I should have had the forethought to think eating popcorn and blogging wouldn't work together. But! Hands are washed, and here I am

BOTTOM 1ST

I will now forever associated T.I.'s "What You Know?" with Joe Mauer. Who, by the way, can apparently hit a home run at will.

Haha, creepy guy with a cameraphone.

I have a hard time when JoeMa makes an out. Like, "What does it all mean?" kind of hard time.

Good hustle, Dr. Neau. I approve of your decision.

TOP 2ND

Blackburn isn't looking that great tonight. This has me ill at ease.

And my player is crapping out. This could be an omen.

But no! I shall persevere! But seriously, I saw Star Trek last night. Does anybody else think that it rocked VERY HARD?

BOTTOM 2ND

Joe Mauer's hind leg is like the pitching rubber? I'll go with it Bert, because you played man, and I was probably the only grade school center fielder to bat ninth.

Uggggh losing my will to continue this.

TOP AND BOTTOM 3RD

What the crap, Firefox? Crashed 3 times in a row!

And now the feed won't pick up and I am just having a hell of a time right now I tells ya.

I came back just in time to see OMG make a second consecutive out? I think this is some harbinger of doom - let me check my Mayan calendar. Heh. MyMy An Calendar.

TOP 4TH

I am not feeling this right now. Je regrette. Could it be Nikolai walking David Ortiz? Maybe. Could it be him throwing 30 pitches per inning? Possibly? Could it be a headache and just really dry eye? Mainly.

But then he goes and does that and it's like how can I not at least watch? Sorry it's not very funny tonight though.

BOTTOM 4TH

God dammit that's the last time I'm letting Firefox crash on me. Good day for now.

Zak and Sara

2009-05-21T13:53:00.023-04:00

PREGAME

Zak and Sara will be Jake Peavy's nickname when he comes to the White Sox. Behold!

"Sara spelled without an "h" was getting bored
On a Peavy amp in 1984
While Zak without a "c" tried out some new guitars
Playing Sara with no "h"'s favorite songs"
-Ben Folds, Zak and Sara

Let's see what kind of destruction the boys can wreak on my fragile psyche today!

Hey, did you know that if you comment on Pulling a Blyleven I will talk to you DIRECTLY? So, suicidal entrepreneur, yes, I spelled Existential the same way Joe Morgan spells "consistent" (eg one letter down), what on earth is "Dog day?" What makes them rule so? How can I, as one individual, submit to their rule?

And if you want to like actually maybe liveblog with me, you know the drill if you're in the know. Maybe. See, being told what happens in THE FUTURE can really mess with me and then it's like why am I watching this? On the other hand, the way the boys have been playing, I could ask that regardless of any temporal contingencies.

TOP 1ST

Just something to chew on during the game. I'm teaching an Introduction to Political Theory course in the fall. Have you taken this class? If you have, what kind of books did you wish were on the syllabus but weren't? If you have not, LEAVE ME ALONE. Just kidding. My theory classes are awesome.

"Bartolo Colon - oh my God, they shot him." Bert, seriously. I am laughing out loud.

Seeing Super Colon Blow brings back memories. Specifically in late 2003 when the radar gun in Comiskey was all janked up and had him throwing 103 mph in the 7th inning.

Did the stadium start playing "Classical Gas" after Span K'd?

I have nothing remotely funny or snarky to say about Mauer - the man is brilliant in every way. Probably is also very good at physics.

Jesus Christ, the are playing that song. But like a Western Pancho Villa kinda version.

I remember a couple years ago there used to be some people who would be all up on this blog, just cold Kubel hatin'. And WV and I were like "Slow your roll, bro-heys, he's a good hitter. Believe." And now look at him. I'm like a proud father.

Wow, is the Nicene Crede rocking Oakleys from 1988 VERY MUCH?

BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS SCORE 1

Uh oh, Tolbert's gonna beat himself up over that one. Literally. In the shower. Instead of water, he uses hydrochloric acid, by the way.

Dread Pirate Blackburn that was an amazing move!

"That'll leave a bark mark right there!" I'll just add that to the Bert Blyleven lexicon.

Calling J-Dye out there was a kiss and makeup call for not punching out Alexei. It all evens out.

And now the organ is playing a version of the song in all the Geico commercials? What is happening in this ballpark?

Kubel and Span please stop doing that. It's bizarro-world in here.

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP 1

So. Morales will be the White Sox starting catcher in 2 years time, yes?

Hooray, the Bitch Sox can't throw the ball either!

Scored two runs, but let's score 18 more so I can relax a little bit OK?

I swallowed my heart pretty hard when it looked like Span was going to knock both runners in with a double down the line, but cruel fate! I'll share a bon mot from my adviser: "Fate is for people so poor they have to live in the swamp with a flyswatter."

They're walking Dr. Neau to get to Kubel WTFBBQ?

Smoooooooth managing, Ozzie. Honest to god.

Is Cuddy your buddy? He ought to be. BOOM

The Nicene Crede is making me feel a little tingly. That's as far into it as I'll go. Use your imagination. Or don't, I mean, I understand.

Haw haw, oh Dick, you always get my hopes up when there's a fly ball and I was all B2B2B jacks with Leviathan? Alas, it died 10 feet short. Things don't feel so ominous now, do they?!

BOTTOM 2ND, TWINS UP 8

The 2003 flashback continues the way they keep talking about Rick Reed. I know, I know, not the same Rick Reed, but blah blah blah.

TOP 3RD, SAME

Who puts two spaces after a period anymore? I don't want to get into a discussion about em spaces, but unless you're on a typewriter from the 30s, it's not necessary. And I'd take off points for that on an essay. Much like having 1.5" margins, using Courier New font - how would I ever suspect that the person may just be trying to artificially elongate their paper?

I'm so terrible - instead of listening to Dick and Bert I'm trying to figure out which strange song the organist at US Cellular will play.

Mauer didn't even swing and that thing was a double. He just put the bat over the plate and that's what happened.

Walking Morneau again - you've made the Rubik's Kubel very angry.

Apparently not angry enough.

BOTTOM 3RD TWINS UP 9

I liked to see the double play, but I'm also liking watching child prodigies play piano so hard. Is anybody else mad at their parents for not making them learn to play the piano, or French? Mine said, but you didn't want to. Yeah, but I also used to think girls were gross, so let's not give too much autonomy away here, huh?

Oh wow, nobody scored? It's like the White Sox have become the Twins, the Twins the White Sox.

TOP 4TH, SAME

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE? To feel good during a baseball game?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS UP TEN (10)

Baseball!

TOP 5TH, SAME

If you were to say, "RK, you have too many expectations for Mauer. He will, on occasion, make an out." I'd be like yeah, but I can't help myself.

And you can't either.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

I realize I'm running out of steam here, but what can I say?

TOP 6TH, SAME

Could it be that the Twins not scoring in the 5th was some kind of aberration?

I have to give it to the hecklers I'm hearing. Your team is down 10-0 and still razzing the third string catcher? Alright, son!

I will miss you, Lance Broadway, if only for that awesometime name.

Punto's hustle literally produced an RBI there. Like, literally literally

TB: Yes, somebody should let him know that we are proud of him not sliding headfirst.

RK: Ooooh Span's a little salty after that plunk

TB: Just cold took one for the team, eh

RK: Hey, Gobble! I need to pay better attention

TB: BAHAHAHAHA. That one was a real turkey, Gobble.

RK: Are you speaking from the FUTURE?

TB: I may be

RK: Hot diggety damn!

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 16(?/!)

TB: I remember these games back in the day in my youth. Then again I also remember when we did this in 2007

RK: Sure, one game a season doesn't make. But this is how you bust a losing streak

TB: Makes the pain of losing Breslow go away a little bit.

RK: I'd say I'll miss Yale. But I probably won't

TOP 7TH, SAME

TB: At this point I think Cuddy should handwalk the rest of the way should Leviathan get a hit

RK: If only KK were here so we could make fun of her for bagging on him

RK: Oh interleague play is happening this year up in Wrigley Field, huh? Thanks for the hot tip, Dick

TB: Is it safe to call the streak over?

RK: Yeah, I think a little confidence is in order

TB: Hey Twins fans at the game! You guys wanna play?

RK: I wouldn't mind seeing Tolbert pitch an inning

TB: One almost forgets that Blackburn is pitching like a rockstar

RK: I know, I think he's under 80 pitches

TOP 8TH, STILL 20-0

TB: Okay how about 10 more runs

RK: Didn't the Rangers blank the Orioles something to the tune of 30-0 a year ago or so?

TB: Could be. The internets told me it was 30-3

RK: The internet is the keeper of the Flame of Truth, so I'll go with it

TB: I sense not enough tension in this game for the Twins side of things.

RK: It's kind of amusing though

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

TB: Hwhat? Where did Dread Pirate go?

RK: Yeah, that's somewhat surprising

TB: You're welcome for our support, Cuddy

RK: Whoopsie

DK: I kind of want us to shut them out

RK: I'd like them to as well. And also score 3 more times for the all-time MLB shutout record

TB: A shutout would be just gravy.

TB: Well fiddlesticks

TOP 9, TWINS UP 20-1

I just want to point out the organist has now played "Inagaddadavida (or whatever the hell)" and "Sail Away with Me" by Styx

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

I think we have a general consensus to let the score speak for itself and to just bask for now.

The Gaping, Existetial Maw

2009-05-20T19:53:00.010-04:00

PREGAME
So I was thinking about Camus today. You know, like I do. (I do) And I have come to the conclusion (not really, I've always thought this way about pretty much everything ever) that baseball is a Camusian exercise. That exercise being: how to live a meaningful life in a meaningless universe.

Right now, the baseball world is meaningless, formless, AND contentless (WV would have gotten a kick out of that. GD Stanford and their quarter system). Starters go 4 innings and give up 6 runs, the bullpen melts down like gallium in the palm (it is strange to behold), and the team LOBw/RISP2Out (patent pending) is about .028, and would be lower except Matt Tolbert is fearless and uses his face instead of the bat to swing.

But the project is the same. How do we make meaning out of this? Gardy just said, "Sometimes the game takes things away from you." Yes Gardy. Yes it does. So why shouldn't ~~I, personally~~ they mope? Why should they "get after it?" "Battle their tails off?" "Eat a balanced breakfast?"

Because, for those of you who have been following this blog intently and took to heart our Kantian theorization of baseball qua baseball as the noumena, the game being the phenomenon means it's just that. The game is there, and you know, you've tried to walk away and you can't. You keep coming back. Meaning is made is both in the jubilation of awesometime wins, and in the bone crushing agony of defeat. And so let's watch! And make some meaning.

TOP 1ST

Reading back, I realize that my made up state above doesn't make any sense, and should indeed be a high number to indicate many men abandoned on base like Buzz Aldrin on the mooon (He's been there for 40 years now, plotting).

As an aside, sorry for not doing that wacky sidebar stuff. WV does all that and I have no idea how to do any of that stuff. I can barely manage these uber-basic html tags.

Oh Joe Mauer up with RISP? Will he B the RI in very hard? He is not a human being. He's something much... more... beautiful.

Don't you make a liar out of me, Global Warming. Next time, you magnificent bastard. Next time.

OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN

BOTTOM 1ST

Strawberries on Good Eats right now. In a few minutes, Orange cream desserts!

I'm gonna do a little photoshopping.

God, even when we do something right we do it wrong. But what is this? Cuddy Ruxpin is starting first? What hath you wrought, Ron?

OK, so I had a friend who bought a CWS hat just so he could do this to it. Anybody else remember this?

Haw haw haw.

Things feel very... ominous.

TOP 2ND

OH YES! LET'S GO BACK TO THE EXTRA GAME THEY HAD TO PLAY! That's what I need to see right now. Game 163 where I ripped my still beating heart out of my own chest and then didn't know what to do with it.

Roy Smalley's story about John Danks, and I know you think the same thing, intrepid reader(s): The way he started that it could have been in some small magazine of pornographic essays.

I think I just heard some background voices from the mics about Tom Hanks. Hey, let's go to the ballpark and give reviews of movies where Tom Hanks has a doughy face and awful haircut!

It is better for me to listen for these things than watch Gomez swing at balls that bounce in front of the plate.

BOTTOM 2ND

"I think the whole infield could pick the ball up before Red got home." I want to have dinner at his house, where he barks at his wife all nights and talks to his vegetables like they're people.

Alexei Ramirez, last seen as an alien in the fourth Indiana Jones movie (that never happened by the way). Or the diminutive alien fella in Harvey Birdman, if anybody watched that.

My favorite thing right now: The dudes in the front row that you can see behind Corky, stacking their beers up in front of them. They came to par-tay!

TOP 3RD

Oh gross. It's dog day. A close second in the "most disgusting idea for a game ever" competition after fountains of raw sewage being aimed at the crowd.

Span just cold messin' with Danks' mindhole.

I'm gonna peruse some google templates. Oooh, Mega Man!

BOTTOM 3RD

Awesome. My media player will occasionally just stop and say it's a commercial break. WHAT ABOUT CLICK IT OR TICKET?

TOP 4TH

Look at how the Buehrle-lap sack rolls.

How can Mauer be 0-2? Well I mean, I get it, but you know, how?

Did Morneau make the third out or is my player being all janky lo-fi, who the hell knows? I guess that's impossible because Morneau is the second batter of the inning hmmmmmmmmm?

But then it cut back in and Morneau walked and what kind of shithole media player is this?

"Justin not a threat to go." Do it, good Dr. Do it.

Alexei's all smiling like I meant to do that. What are you, a cat?

Jason Kubel! And Morneau, I know you hustled all the way, but how awful was that throw by J-Dye? Bert just said it was outstanding but uh.... it was about halfway up the first base line as I saw it.

What is this? This execution with RISP? Of offense, with bats?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS UP 2

Welp, so much for the lead. Knew that as soon as he swung the bat.

I'm going to take a break for the remainder of this half inning. I'm not going on strike, just... skulking around my apartment for a bit.

OK now I'm on strike.

A Salve For Our Wounds

2009-05-19T20:02:00.022-04:00

PREGAME

So relaxing didn't really work for me last night. Perspective, as always, is key. There are grosser injustices happening in the world. But look:

1) I'll stop posting weird shit from youtube
2) The Twins are out of New York!
3) The Apostle's Crede!

There are bumps in the road:

1) Baker's schizophrenic pitching personality. 6 perfect innings and then a 5-spot is fuzzy math
2) Buerhlehrelhrle is usually pretty good against the Twins
3) Hawk really heaps praise on the Twins, so I have a hard time hating him. That doesn't have anything to do with the game, but I thought you'd like to know.

TOP 1ST

Mauer hasn't figured out a major league pitcher yet? The "Buerhle sold his soul to be a better than average pitcher" theory just got a big shot in the arm.

Yowza.

Whenever I see mutual of Omaha, I get that Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head. You know the one:

Like Mutual of Omaha
On the ill boat you never seen before
Gliding in the glades
And like Lorne Green you know I get paid

-Ch-ch-check It Out, Capital Records, 2004

I will not post the video. I've learned my lesson. You all want words.

BOTTOM 1ST

Well Bert's not making any sense tonight, which is like saying he is on his game very much. Something to the effect of "Baker gave up 5 runs in six innings in Detroit and 7 excuse me 6 innings in five runs against Kansas City he threw a perfect game through 5 runs."

I am on board, sir.

Oh Cargo, will I ever get sick of you? Yes, but not right now. Running over to that ball like ZOMG BALL and then strolling like Oh yeah I got this.

TOP 2ND

I look at Buehrle's jersey and think "you must remember how to spell his name." And then I don't. But fuck him anyway.

BOTTOM 2ND

Ooooh Car Talk has a facebook page!

Dear Scott Baker, Esq.:

Please stop nibbling the outer half of the plate. As Bert would say, go inside! And hit them in the ribs. I guess.

And then all hell breaks lose and I have to hear those damn fireworks. Way to overdo it, US Cellular field.

Anyway, get AJ out.

Lurve,
RK

While I'm writing LOVER LETTERS:

Dear MLB Flash Player,

I don't want to see highlight graphics pop up on my screen (especially when it's Jimmy Rollins getting a bloop single). Please to be letting me somehow turn this off?

Toodelpip,
RK

It's no coincidence that I'm not talking about the game right now.

DK: figures. I go cook a nice Italian dinner, and Baker goes all suck on me

RK: I think this is Baker's 200th pitch

DK: Of which 183 have been balls

DK: you know it's going to be a morose night when Gordo makes even the foul balls sound scary

RK: Dick thinks they're home runs. To be fair though, he thinks everything hit in the air is a home run

DK: hmm might have to go back to the dinner table...I forgot my daily helping of ANGER SALAD

RK: Dark times in Rivendell. I don't even feel like making a lemnas bread joke

DK: can Baker get a sextuple play and hedge some outs for the 3rd?

DK: finally...Mr. Po[d]se[d]nik goes down

RK: I wonder how many times Coomer has said some variation of "Bert, you're absolutely right?" And do you think this surprises Bert?

DK: Bert is always right. Hence the absolute.

RK: Tautology!

TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 WHITE SOX 3

RK: Anderson gave Baker what-for in the dugout

DK: well the way Gordo's putting it, Scotty wanted to commit seppuku

RK: Hahaha, Bert: "This is war out here! I don't mean to say that word. It's a battle"

DK: Bah

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Dick's canoed down the Crow River - I've canoed down the Crow River!

DK: Kismet! Cargo!

RK: I like his style out there

RK: Ordinarily I'd say hey, it's alright, walk Thome and get Konerko to ground out. But uh...

DK: except that Konerko's already done the anti-groundout once

RK: So who's gonna be the longman tonight?

DK: they'll probably throw Henn to the wolves

RK: Baptism by fire! I like it

DK: "welcome to the bigs. now go get many many bitch sox out" or, translated into Gardy: "Go out there, battle your tail off, work hard and show me your good stuff"

RK: As long as he plays the game The Right Way

TOP 4TH, SAME

DK: someone has clearly replaced OMG with Folgers Crystals

RK: Oohooh! or replaced OMG with GMO

RK: Wellferthelovea

RK: Bert on Buehrle: "He tantalizes you!" GROSS

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Baker recorded an out in the first 4 minutes of an inning?

RK: And then.... a 1-2-3 inning? Could Rocket Bats be gone?

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: Did Redmond pull the ball for a double VERY MUCH?

RK: And did Gomez slam his helmet on the ground VERY HARD?

RK: I am excited to see what Span the Bran Muffin can do

DK: Just cold killing that rally

RK: Damn you, the future

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: If there's one thing I've learned from the Terminator franchise, it's that the future is always bad and full of robots trying to shoot lazer holes into your chest with their big metal guns and then Christian Bale tells you you're not acting professional

RK: Like that

DK: Yep. Or that it's your kids! something's gotta be done about your kids!

RK: The second one is still my favorite, and I'll punch you in the jeans if you disagree with me

DK: i suppose I should stop making back to the future references now that we got rid of Hoverboard

RK: Oh yeeeeeah. Short memory

DK: positive spin: got em right where we...want...them...?

RK: You're charitable. I'd say we got em right where we... got... them

TOP 6TH, BITCH SOX UP 4

OK, DK has a "job" where he "works," so you're stuck with me

THEN JOE MAUER GOES BOOM

And everybody else flies softly out

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS DOWN 3

k-bro, yes! He did! And beautiful nickname! Good nicknames earn you eternal gratitude in my book. You let me know if you need anything.

And Getz "gets" called out on that bunt! Oh it's almost too easy! Almost? Yes, yes, too easy.

Hee hee hee, Buehrle-lap sack. Hee hee hee.

Hey, The Little Red Henn was pitching! Perceptions, I have them.

TOP 7TH? WHY NOT! SAME SCORE

Oh god k-bro, you're giving me Donald Rumsfeld flashbacks. STOP IT.

I can't find the video, but remember when he said that his critics were "Henny Penny the sky is falling" types? Then again, and I say this as a certified Political Scientist, that's a really funny thing to say.

Naked Batting Practice elusively evades the tag and is safe on first, you sly fox!

He's an international art thief for sure.

Well.... that was weird! But a run scores.

BOTTOM 7TH, TWINS ONLY DOWN 2

1) I wonder what AJ was barking at to Jerry White
2) That bat boy in the dugout kinda looked a lot like Anne Hathaway

Aw hell, you gotta hold on to the ball, LNP. Scooter J. Hennessy is probably nervous enough!

Matt Gruyere is up and warming up and that always makes me hungry to say. The cave-aged gruyere at Whole Foods is really good. But then again, for why Whole Foods isn't any better for the environment or organics as your Rainbow, Cub, Sunmart, or Hornbachers, read, oh, anything by Michael Pollan.

Sean? Shawn? I met a Shaun one time and I was like "yeah right."

But he maintained that he knew his name more than I would.

So Scooter it is!

37 highlights! Try and stop me! Jeezy creezy

Well crap... I don't want to say that's the game, but doesn't it kinda feel like it is?

TOP 8TH, RALLY CAPS 6-2 CWS

SHIT

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Hey, the Eli is in. This does not bode well.

Breslow = Bowlers = Les Brow = Elbows R = Rob Slew = Los Brew = Blowers = Serb Owl (these anagrams done by hand!)

"These kids, from Cuba, latin America, when the weather warms up, they warm up!" Careful Bert!

1-2-3 inning ok! OK just score 5 runs quick.

TOP 9TH, THE REQUIEM

Is the rally starting? Probably not! But we are going to stick it through to the bitter bitter end. Avant!

Avant.

Courage.

POSTGAME

Well, one of these teams had to lose I suppose. Baker? Not looking good, champ. But let's look at the bright side. k-bro gave us some sweet nicknames to add to the lexicon.

Everybody Hurry Up And Relax

2009-05-18T18:51:00.014-04:00

PREGAME

People, it's been a rough few games. Blood boils, the cup of anger salad runneth over, words that would make a sailor blush are uttered.

(which would be a hearsay exception in the Federal Rules of Evidence for those of you planning on going to law school)

But tonight, we're gonna relax. I don't care if the Yankees score 10 times in the first inning. We're going to keep it low key. Here, I'll start.

This is weird.

TOP 1ST

"I am sick and tired of watching the Yankees celebrate!" You and me both, Bert.

And here's a problem. I can watch the game not 2 minutes in the past and watch it on ESPN. But then I lose Dick and Bert. I think I'll put the game on in the living room and if I hear a cheer I'll brace myself for the next 90 seconds. It's like an early warning system for a nuclear attack but instead of getting into my lead lined bunker with hobo beans and a stack of porno mags, I will clench my teeth.

Buh-what? What was Teixeira doing there? I mean, good on him for getting to wherever the Melky Way decides to throw the ball, but there it is.

OK I turned off ESPN. I'm going to be surprised.

Man, it's going to be easy to relax if it is the Twins who score 10 runs in the first inning. I am cool, calm, and collected.

Seriously, it's a little chilly for mid May in VA and my windows are open. It's almost goosebump chilly in here.

BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS 2 YANKEES 0, OBVIOUSLY

So. That hit by Jeter. Anybody else thinking that the Nicene Crede's back is still a little sore?

Oh dear. I may have to go find another chill-out video on the youtube. A balk?!

I'll just have to do a little mental diversion. Balk is like Gladden's commercials for Bock on the OH SHIT.

I may have to relaxingly boil my face off.

Sigh. There was little doubt hearing that off of Rodriguez's bat. Jeezy creezy. Still, nary an out recorded.

Hey! An out!

Well what the hell.

Let's chill out with "Montok Point" by William Orbit. Good thing I have a big collection of makeout music

So R.A. Dickey is warming up? Could be worse. I went to Yankee Stadium in the fall of 2004 for a Twins game and it went to extra innings and in the 11th Gardy put in Aaron Fultz and I thought well that's that and sure enough Bernie Williams hit a walk-off home run. I made it on TV that day, Dick and Bert noting what brave souls we were.

One good thing about the interweb stream is that sometimes it doesn't cut away when the teevee does, and Dick asked "What happened there?" in a terribly derisive tone. Silver linings people.

TB, we're keeping it stress-free tonight. Like Cafe Disco, without the cafe. Or disco.

Oh Bert, you just quoted Caddyshack. Little tender mercies like this are what gets me through rough patches of gawdawful baseball.

TOP 2ND, TWINS 2 YANKS A MILLION

NB: I didn't mean for that header to be a pun on the phrase "Thanks a million." It was purely coincidental. Just like Omar don't scare, RK don't pun.

That's how you do, LNP. The push bunt past the pitcher, that's the old-school piranta baseball that I love so dearly.

Nothing comes of it, but that's alright, because we're chilling.

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

Hey, Dickey's doing work! Didn't watch much of it because I started watching "The Wire" clips on youtube. You know how it goes.

Re Swisher: "He's got a personality." Not to quibble Dick, but I was under the impression that most everybody has a personality. I don't want to engage in any ontological discussion here, but I think I'm onto something.

And R.A. Dickey shall lead them!

TOP 3RD, SAME

This is a case par excellance why I love the M&M boys. Maybe Mauer gets out, but then Morneau comes back and smashes a ball down the line. See, the thing is, in 2006, Cuddy would knock some folks in, but in 2009? Well.

Probably need some of this right now.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

I suppose I could just talk about myself for a while. So I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (the flagship university, aka "Rocky Top") to give a paper at the International Social Theory Consortium. That is a very impressive sounding conference, and there were impressive people there, but come on now. I gave a paper defending Utopian literature, arguing that fiction sets us free to form a radical subjectivity. What does this have to do with anything? I of course found a way to mention baseball in my speech, as is a hallmark of most all of my academic career.

And this is perhaps a late apology as for why I (and WV) haven't been blogging well of late. I just finished up the semester last week and then gave a paper. I had to finish grading (and then deal with the deluge of emails of "but I'm one point away from [the next highest grade!]) and I have a job now.

I came to grad school because I had a job and I didn't like having to "work" all the time. And the first year of grad school was like college plus. You have a little money because they're paying you to go to school and you just take classes. Then in the second year you write your master's thesis. Then you're supposed to teach your own classes. Then give conference papers and publish journal articles. Then write a dissertation. But don't feel sorry for me because at the end of the day, my job is to read books and talk about them. That's really not so bad.

Also R.A. Dickey is doing a good longman job.

TOP 4TH, SAME

Then the TV comes back and Dick is talking about the Hindenberg and that's awesome.

Also Dick doesn't like New York. Which is weird, but I guess understandable. I like New York.

WHOA HI CUDDY RUXPIN WELCOME TO BASEBALL!

Gomez is doing his best May 2007 impression right now.

And then when I wrote that he stopped immediately. Thank you Cargo.

Hm, well that fizzled, but you gotta hand it to Pena. That was a hell of a play just there.

BOTTOM 4TH, 6-3 JANKEES

Now I know this isn't grounded in any rigorous empirical analysis, but I feel like every time Dick says something good about the team something bad happens.

But then 2 quick outs so I am talking completely out of my ass.

Teixeira's AB music is "I wanna rock" which reminds me of this Avis commercial:

I'm a youtube embedding fiend!

TOP 5TH, SAME

I tried my best to push that ball out with my MIND BULLETS, but to no avail.

That's telekinesis, Kyle!

Well that's it. I'm done.

ON STRIKE

We're Almost There

2009-05-12T19:55:00.017-04:00

PREGAME:

Well, almost there in both terms of the academic year and the standings. The Twins are close, and I have but to refine a paper for a conference on Thursday. Then! Back to baseball, back to blogging, and hopefully gainful summer employment.

It's been a long time. Let's see if I still remember how to do this. Just so you know, when I was in B'more, I took a lot of pictures during warmups. Pictures of booty. I'll share them with you eventually, but I want to get you a little worked up first, y'know?

TOP 1ST

RK: I believe in Slowey gin fizz. He's supposed to be the next Bradke there then

DK: I have full faith that "Slow Ride" will "take it easy" this evenin

RK: Wow that girl was yawning HARD. Like, aren't you excited to be at the Metrodome in its FINAL SEASON?

KK: She's all "I'm le tired...and thought it was wednesday for dollar dome dogs, le whine."

RK: What are the Tuesday Metrodome promos?

KK: I think half price home run porch? And "I wish it was Wednesday days"

RK: If I knew a guy named Greg Anderson, I'd call him Granderson. Not Curtis

DK: Slowey with a 3-ball count, I may faint

KK: If the game was outside, it would be in a rain delay. Sometimes I will miss the dome just for that reason and uh, thats about it.

DK: 4 pitch walk from Slowey *faints*

KK: Slowey please don't suck right away, I mean at least build me up then crush my hopes and dreams. better yet let the bullpen do that.

DK: QTF, ump, oh, never mind. It's Ed Rapuano. His strike zone is the size of a postage stamp, and worth far less than $0.43

KK: Sometimes I wish Kevin Slowey was a ground out pitcher not a fly out. Less of a stress factor.

DK: I wonder if Clete Thomas' nickname is "Spike"

KK: Clete, cleats, spike, ouch, pain, blood, zombie.

DK: I see no holes in that reasoning

KK: Clete Thomas is a zombie.

RK: That sounds like something a zombie would say...

DK: There's your ground ball KK

KK: ......DOUBLE PLAY! I can haz? Oh why thank you SO MUCH.

DK: And up steps the douchebag. A scary, but productive inning

BOTTOM 1ST, AT LEAST FOR ME, MY GAME IS DELAYED SO IT'S PROBABLY THE 5TH INNING AND IT MAKES FOR ANACHRONISTIC LIVEBLOGGING. SO.

RK: Guys, let's hope this game ends before 5:00 am EDT. Blogger's gonna have a scheduled outage

DK: Pfft...let's play 83!

RK: I won't rest till Punto pitches an inning. And does a headfirst slide off the mound to finish his delivery

RK: I'd like to see the Ford defense graphics try to not be so future-y. Like y'know ,a sepia tone and a harpsichord playing in the background. And a hyphen in "Short-stop"

KK: I have a theory as to why Manny was taking those women fertility drugs, it isn't actually from a pill. Clete is a zombie, matt tolberts walk on song is "zombie" by the cranberries, Clete bit Magglio Whoredonez because he's an 80's porn star, then he went on and bit Manny. Did I mention Magglio is actually a woman? And when he bit Manny he got injected with PMS, Post Magglio Suckage.

DK: Zombie thievery!

KK: ZOMBIES STEAL HOME RUNS, along with brains and blood.

DK: OMG shall have his revenge. Mark my words

DK: RK, they should do that whilst they wear their super sexy throwback jerseys.

RK: I hope Dlmn was taking notes on how to track a ball that's in the air

DK: TB and I have dubbed Dlmn "Roomba," as he goes around in circles yet still manages to suck in everything

RK: Let it be done!

TOP 2ND

RK: OH MY LORD AND SAVIOR, SIR SYDNEY POITIER, I MAY BE IN TOWN FOR AN ALL YOU CAN EAT SEAT

DK: Leaving the bag early takes its toll, Bert!

KK: Whenever I see Magglio I sing "let your soul gloooooow!"

KK: Oh, that double play was most good, but.....or...what? Okay if he isn't touching the base and he tried to run to second I think that he should be out.

DK: I guess he tagged up

RK: Well the right call's the right call

KK: wild pitch? whats next, a home run? RK, I know it is but in my mind it isn't. Just like how every single game I find a reason why it's Cuddyers fault

RK: Yeah, you'll change your mind when you see the pictures from Cuddy's pornographic stretching routine

KK: Can I say I can have sexual feelings for someone, and want to see said pornographic stretching photographs and also hate said person at the same time?

DK: I don't think that's possible, either you want him or you hate him, KK

KK: Don't make me choose! I can't! It's not fair!

RK: Actually that makes sense. To all my ex-girlfriends

DK: Ah but see that's after they got to know you

KK: I want him........not to suck. And lately he 's been a very good boy.

BOTTOM 2ND

KK: I just want to throw this out here, since they are showing Joe Mauer now. I might be getting a new kitten and I am temped to name it "meower". Cute or CUTEST cat name ever?

TB: I see what you did there. I like it. Find one with sideburns

KK: Or I can name it Cuddyer and kick it and say it fails me. I'm kidding. I don't even know where this sudden hate for Cuddyer. And would it be animal abuse if I make the cat have sideburns

RK: Yeah, you're not making any friends with Cuddy Buddies

DK: giving it sideburns would be abuse, but kicking it is ok?

RK: LOGIC

KK: But see I'd never name my cat Cuddyer so there will be no kitty kicking.

DK: I'm full of logic today RK, seeing as I just watched 2+ hours of Zach Quinto getting his Vulcan on

TB: Well well well. CCR is back. Nice to see we won't have another weekend of BBuscher fielding groundballs...

RK: "Are YOU a facebook fan of Fox Sports North yet?" Did I catch a slightly accusatory tone in Dick's voice?

DK: I believe you did. In fact, I felt guilt

TB: Ball go bye bye

DK: BOOM

KK: CREDE HOME RUNS ARE WAY BETTER THAN REGULAR HOME RUNS.

DK: doesn't quite have the same effect when Roomba does it

KK: He is a gorgeous man. A beatiful man. Roomba just ruined my star trek/crede happy high.

TB: Methinks he needs to return to the docking station

KK: Nicholas Paul Punto... sigh.

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 2-0

DK: Bert Blyleven. Better than YOUR color commentator. FACT.

TB: Slowey doesn't know what to do with the minimized strike zone. I can see it now: "Today, I pitched with an umpire that never called outside corner or inside corner. I'm a guy who paints corners. FML"

DK: I agree, his life is f'd

KK: That would totally be his twitter for the day. Wait is it under 140 characters?

DK: while Tiger fans would tell him "You deserved it"

TB: Joe Nathan memorized that. No joke. He was just looking off to the side because he's camera-shy.

DK: hey now...it's a few more words than "Got you with the slider"

KK: Joe Nathan is so awkward

TB: The Motor City Kitties will be taking over the LOB crown soon

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

KK: Who wears a hawaiian shirt to twins games? Oh douchebags do.

TB: I conclude that Crede is substantiated as H < 270

DK: I think Tolbert just exceeded Sandcastle's sac bunt total

KK: Tolbert needs to teach the whole team how to bunt. Bunt master.

TB: Starting with Pinko

KK: OMG, REVENGE. HAVE IT.

DK: REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!!

KK: JOE MAUER, ZOMBIE KILLER.

DK: I tried pitching inside to Joe Mauer once. It did not go well

KK: Did you know that one weakness for zombies is home runs by studly minnesotan boys? Weird huh?

TB: If anybody has experience about watching homeruns go out, it's Bert

RK: I'll have to readjust my zombie survival kit to one (1) Joe Mauer

DK: and one (1) outside belt-high fastball

RK: "Straight up old school baseball at its finest," huh Coom? I mean, I always thought baseball was more straight up old school baseball but perhaps in the 1870s it was a game of gentlemen manager-players waxing each others' moustachios and waxing philosophic

TOP 4TH, BAILOUT BOMBERS 0 YOUR MNTWINS 4

TB: Definitely slow riding and taking it easy.

RK: That song will forever and ever remind me of the film Dazed and Confused

TB: Tolbert you ass

KK: Matt Tolbert, NEVER TAKE A BALL FROM NICK PUNTO

RK: You know what would be awesome? An out. Or 2

TB: Slow Ride you goofball. Why can't you just have four normal shutout innings

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

TB: For some reason I keep forgetting that we get to bat too. I just like watching Slowey make baserunners magically disappear

DK: its pure voodoo trickery, I tell you. it's like the Dome basepaths are a singularity

TOP 5TH SAME

TB: And now, Brendan Harris in-dugout-because-of-mancrush-on-Punto correspondent

DK: Brendan Harris sounds like he's 14

DK: I can totally imagine Bert setting shoes on fire

TB: Oh I bet they just love doing that.

DK: Double plays are mad hot

TB: Well, um. Matt Tolbert web gem? I did not expect that

RK: Redemption!

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: Dontrelle Willis is going tomorrow?

TB: Affirmative.

RK: I suppose that's good news. For the fightin' geminis

KK: Kevin Slowey gives me heart palpitations. And wow I make a good chicken philly.

DK: what happened? I blinked and we're not batting anymore

TOP 6TH, SAME

KK: So I used string cheese, not provalone for my philly since I have no provalone. And it's kind of amazing. Okay I'm done bragging about my cooking skills. I shouldn't talk, should I RK?

KK: I dont like home runs when our team doesn't hit them, simply put.

TB: Teh shutout iz gon

RK: I'm just happy when people cook for themselves in any capacity. It's not hard and it's cheaper and better for the Earth the end. Off the soapbox

TB: You have inspired me, I may go warm up my EasyMac now.

DK: Remember to use water, TB

RK: Close enough. Gotta eat what you got, right? Your mom would be happy you're cleaning your plate

KK: Awwww RK, being all cute about the earth and stuff. Plus Morneau eats mac and cheese so it's a super awesome food.

TB: Today's Tuesday. If they've only been down University twice I would be very surprised

RK: It's on my mind, I just finished my Political Economy of Digestion seminar paper today

KK: You are so full of fancy sass.

TB: Also, whatever I don't eat will be thrown into my car to take home and then sit in my cupboard at home forever

RK: I feel like we're off topic. Weird.

BOTTOM 6, 4-1 TWINS

TB: Tie goes to the runner

TB: Roomba: Steady diet of sliders and can't digest any of them.

TB: Dick is helping along our food theme tonight, I see

KK: Oh, DLMN YNG HT Hm rn

TB: I'll take that

KK: Double plays, you're doin' it wrong

KK: I just laughed at how Dick said gallaraaagaa's name.

KK: I enjoy Joe Credes slicked back hair. It's so like early 90s beach model.

DK: oh god....they're warming up the wrecking Crain

RK: Span the Bran Muffin better bring in at least 2 here

KK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DK: oh sure NOW he calls one off the corner

TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 4

TB: We need to create an account called Allowance for Doubtful Insurance Runs. And fill it up with a big number when Crain comes in.

DK: we lack the grades to back up the Accounting jokes, TB

RK: Made perfect sense to me, but uh, I'm brilliant. ... and modest

TB: Have I ever fallen off a bicycle, Dick? I'm from Oronoco, you fall off your bike and consider it a good day. Fall out of a tree or off the roof and then come ask me about bikes

KK: Joe Mauer is the Mildred of baseball.

TB: I...FOUR DOLLARS?!

DK: let's get Denarded in here

(These rough beasts started talking about Nick Punto's ass, and I've been a bit busy, so just, y'know, imagine that)

BOTTOM 7TH, 5-2 TWINS

KK: I am glad they just showed a couple making out, furthering the reason why I think bert is a dirty old man who eats goldfish, crickets, and night crawlers.

RK: The latter is true separately

TOP 8TH, SAME, YES? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE

TB: That guy in the pepsi commercial sounds like the chocolate rain guy

KK: We do live in America, I wouldn't doubt it for a second that it's actually him.

RK: He has a name. His name is Robert Paulson. I mean Tay Zonday

TB: Yeah, if Mag didn't go on that pitch, I don't know what to think

KK: Jose Mijares' eyes creep me out. Soul sucking, they are.

KK: Matty G does work, son

TB: Well, good.

BOTTOM 8TH, THE BULLPEN HAS BRIDGED THE GAP. COURAGE

TB: Iceman is silly

RK: I like how he needles Bert. I don't think Bert wants absurdity competition

KK: Iceman is most good.

RK: Doubleplusgood

TB: Time for super awesome home run

KK: Iceman is challenging Berts sass....and what did gomez do get shot with an invisible paint ball?

(Stuff is happening and a run scored, but the final paper for the class I teach is due tomorrow, so I'm being innundated with emails, so chill)

TOP 9TH, TWINS UP 4

KK: Tweak is such a spazz ass. I'm shocked he hasn't had a stroke yet from all the stress he puts on himself.

RK: So I'm sure the game is over by now, but I'm still on the second batter. Somebody from the future?

KK: Nathan got spiked OH NOES, that was some fancy dance moves he just did. He was so two stepping.

RK: He's just gonna rub some dirt on it

POSTGAME

Well I did a terrible job transcribing this liveblog. My apologies to DK, KK, TB, and all other two letter combinations and permutations. But! A win!

So...Um...Interns?

2009-04-27T20:08:00.026-04:00

So WV and RK are sadly in absentia this evening, thus we shall continue on with their presence in spirit only.

PREGAME

It's hardly been a quiet two weeks in the world of baseball. There's the predictable (like the Yankees getting thumped at Fenway), the not so predictable (the Pittsburgh Pirates), and the downright absurd (two words: Zack Grienke, QTF?). Anyone who's a fan of the law of averages has to be having a ball right about now...

Anyway, el beisbol.

TOP FIRST

Hey look. flashes of Scott Baker. And flashes of inept umpiring.

Bert says that Rocket Bats needs to "bend over" more when he pitches. Not even gonna touch that one.

Hey cool. Only in the Metrodome do foul line drives = extra base hits. Must be some of that "creative accounting" at work. Suddenly I see the appeal of instant replay.

Bert: "Hey Coomer what're you smoking down there?" I sense impending fisticuffs in the break.

...Oh for the love of...

BOTTOM FIRST

Right, well baserunners. That's a start.

Bert: "Kubel is probably the plumpest guy in our lineup"

Dick: "Plumpest?"

Bert: "Yeah, plumpest."

Dick: "Right. 2-0 to the Michelin Man."

If the object of this game were to leave runners on base, I daresay the Twins would never lose.

TOP SECOND

Well, this is going infinitely better so far.

BOTTOM SECOND, RAYS UP A DEUCE

*yawn* 1-2-3. How bout that.

TOP 3RD, SAME

One can almost see Rocket Bats' inner struggle unfolding on the mound. 3 pitches down, 2 pitches up. Repeat.

Hey I like this now.

BOTTOM 3RD

Span the Bran Muffin ripping Niemann's no-hitter straight to right field.

HIT AND RUN DO IT

...or just walk. 2 on for Dr. Neau.

Riiiiiiight. We needs a Kubelution

Weirdest. Double steal. Ever.

*facepalm*

TOP 4TH, SAME

This has all the makings of a Dark Beard-esque start for Rocket Bats.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Right, c'mon guys. See ball, hit ball.

See? Dlmn gt th mm.

Oh look. 2 on, 1 out. Where have I seen this before?

Yep. Same thing, different inning.

TOP 5TH, SAME

DK: If only Sandcastle were made of Silly Putty.

DK: Bleh. Wild pitches = BAD. Idea: strand the runner.

DK: Well, so much for that idea.

TB: Right. I'm here, we can score now

DK: Leviathan really not having a good day back there.

TB: The Leviathan makes sure his ass is on a plane to Rochester on Friday

DK: In a word, crap.

TB: Right, So umm.

TB: Positive spin: Rocket Bats has quieted down and now allows runs like normal pitchers do.

DK: Activity in the pen.

TB: R.A. Dickey seems to warm up at the exact wrong time. "Wait, him? No..."

DK: Rays batting .800 with RISP. Twins batting .000. Coincidence? I think not.

DK: OK, like srsly guyz. Hit the ball already.

BOTTOM 5TH, RECENTLY EXORCISED BATOIDAEA 4, TWINS 0

TB: Death by a million fly balls?

DK: OK guys. If you're going to bunt, bunt. Don't fake a bunt and run out of the box scared before the pitch crosses the plate. Like really.

TB: Well...I...oh dear.

TOP 6TH, SAME

TB: Dear K-Bro: Would you rather have a tired Baker or R.A, Dickey in the sterile Metrodome air? Speaking of, has anybody ever measured the atmospheric pressure of the Dome? Seems like it would be higher

DK: Rocket Bats looks downright bi-polar.

TB: Well yeah, he is constantly in a battle to find his true self

DK: Right, I grow tired of repeating the mantra, but RUNS

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

TB: That'd be an out in Oakland.

DK: That'd be an out on a slo-pitch softball field.

DK: They do know there's an area beyond that wall where the outfielders can't catch it, right?

TB: You mean like that?

DK: Precisely. Someone must've charged up his solar cell.

TB: I'm waiting for the day he strikes out before the P.A. guy gets to "..Cuddyer"

DK: Beis on Bols, which seems like it’s our 17th one this game.

TB: You know, I think my friend Nick has a pair of glasses exactly like Joe Maddon's. Got 'em at a 50's car show. True story.

TB: Oh HELLZ yeah.

DK: I was under the impression that all you got at '50s car shows were '50s cars.

TB: Grant Ball-four has seven walks so far this season. Hilarity ensues.

DK: I'm going to chalk that one up to osmosis.

TB: Or the correct alignment of Jupiter. Some sort of mysterious mysteria.

DK: Yep. That was almost too predictable.

TOP 7TH, SHUTOUT GONE, STILL LOSING

DK: Well, at least that first knuckleball ended up in Leviathan's glove, and not somewhere in Anoka.

DK: Initial on initial hate right there - R.A. picks off B.J.

TB: R.A. should play catcher. He has as many putouts on the basepaths as does Leviathan

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

TB: Red hats? Are they Twins fans or Linux developers?

DK: It's that open source movement taking over baseball.

DK: All Leviathan does is hit line drives.

TB: Can't catch a pitch-out though.

DK: Sssshhh. Positive spin.

DK: I hear "Thriller". You know what that means.

TB: Why Pinko must be here.

TB: Some states would put you on the sex offender list for wanting to come up to the plate to the music of "Thriller".

DK: Two pitches right on the outside “corner” right there. Methinks something is afoot. Bert concurs and says that Dick should put on a chest protector and go down there.

TB: FORE!

DK: Fucklion time.

TB: All you can eat seats tomorrow. Rumor has it Livan Hernandez will be in attendance.

DK: There's a pitch called a Vulcan splitter?

TB: Obviously Span didn't know that.

TB: Cheeze louize Morneau. Swing the bat.

DK: That, be definition, is an atom ball.

TOP 8TH, STILL NOT WINNING

TB: Hey that umpire has a pretty cool mustache.

DK: I sense a small disagreement.

TB: A disagreement with the call and reality. Clearly we are not in the same frame as the Ump.

DK: Oh Bert...”Tie goes to the pitcher”, naturally.

TB: Morales obviously is not a master of the knuckleball

DK: I’m curious as whether OMG will catch knuckleballs, or whether the knuckleballs will just flock to his glove out of respect to his awesomeness.

TB: Well, uhhh

DK: Bert with an astute observation there: "That didn't knuckle".

TB: Pena has nine HR. Crazy shit right there. On pace to hit 85.

DK: any day the Yankees fall below .500 is a happy day.

TB: Well, 77. That’s my California math. I apologize.

DK: And Gabe 12x12 flies out.

TB: Yuk yuk yuk. Bert, you rock.

BOTTOM 8TH, CARTILAGINOUS SEA CREATURES 6, GEMINI 1

DK: In the postgame: Ron Coomer and Bert Blyleven on stealing bases. An authoritative study right there.

TB: Maybe they should bring David Ortiz and Sidney Ponson too just to add to the expertise.

DK: Yep, and then tomorrow we can bring in Denny Hocking to talk about hitting for power.

TB: I went to a game once and Denny Hocking hit a walk-off home run. Fact.

DK: CCR running the batting gamut here.

DK: Remember when all Cuddyer did was hit doubles?

DK: Gee, wonder where I've seen the Pear King do that before.

TOP 9TH, SAME

DK: Span just cold hauling that in.

DK: Aaaand Bartlett 1, Dlmn 0. That trade's really not looking too hot about now

TB: It is of course natural that Bartlett can now hit home runs. Joe Vavra you fool.

BOTTOM 9TH, DOWN BY A HALF DOZEN

TB: How the hell do you not pinch hit Brendan for Punto here. I guess in the grand scheme of things it is not so important.

DK: Down to his last out, Gardy's in manage-by-numbers mode.

DK: Maybe he doesn't want to throw the last piece of the Dlmn/Garza/Bartlett trade out there to prove that it was an epic fail.

TB: Oh look, Punto swung at an awful pitch.

DK: Well, fiddlesticks.

Alack and Alas

2009-04-14T19:59:00.001-04:00

We are unable to blog tonight. Not because we don't want to, but damn, we have a lot of schoolwork to do. Hold fast all, the semester is over soon.

WV and/or RK

RIP Well, Everybody

2009-04-13T19:39:00.016-04:00

PREGAME

I don't mean to make light of course, but good god, everybody in baseball died this week.

But part of the beauty is that the game goes on. Or however Kevin Costner said it in Field of Dreams. So coming off a promising start to a short roadtrip (how about Friday night? I was in our Nation's Capital representin') that quickly devolved into the nightmare early season Comiskey road trips of old (at least Joe Crede didn't hit a home run for the Ashen Hosiery, but then again, maybe he did?). Keep the ball down fellas. And leave the assbats at home. It doesn't feel like the Twins have lost more games than they've won, but there it is. 3-4. Numbers don't lie. Nor do my hips.

TOP FIRST

"When they do score a lot of runs, of course they win!" I will never get sick of Bert. Never ever.

Welp, 1 out, 2 on, a double play ball is in order. And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I get the impression if OMG were behind the plate, hitters would be waving at more of these down and away sliders, and hey there's the double play ball!

I like it when life works out.

BOTTOM FIRST

Thing I Just Learned: "Midden" is a word. I was getting ready to [sic] that puppy up in my essay, but good thing I consulted the interwebs! It's a series of tubes!

TOP SECOND

This is not going like I envisioned in my head. I remember, and perhaps you do too, roundabouts 2002/2003 when the Twins couldn't lose to the Blue Birds? Even when it was Halladay/Rick Reed you thought oh, Rick Reed is gonna kill 'em.

I'm just anxious about the starters because I refuse to entertain the idea of a sophomore slump. Because that would affect pretty much everybody who starts. And I can't handle that.

Thankfully Lindt Chocolate doesn't know how to run the bases! Just your standard 3-5 DP.

See and then those bloops fall in and I hate that. Jeezy creezy.

But it could have been worse.

BOTTOM SECOND, BJs UP 1

Iceman! Tell me what's good!

Say you want a Kubelution! Weeeeelll y'know, Bert, I was wondering how you were going to tie that broadcaster's death to the HR. Surprisingly classy, guy. Well done.

Kalas died in the same booth I stalked Don Sutton in. Memories.

Uh boy, that probably didn't go anything like anybody thought.

Good baserunning Dlmn! See, he knows, playing a kooky left field, that the way oh, so and so who cares who he is, played it, (Snyder! Thanks Bert) but all funky, so turn on the wheels for the RBI Man, Nikolai K Punto!

Wow, I was joking LNP, but I'm glad you took me serious-like.

Are the boys in a slump? Could this be a slump-busting game? MORE TO COME

TOP 3RD, TORONTULAS 1 TWINGOS 3

1 pitch, 1 out! From Bert's lips to my fingers.

ALL YOU CAN EAT SEATS ARE BACK! Somebody who is more intrepid and industrious than I look to see if there are any in mid-late August. Because. Maybe. Just maybe. Somebody who's name rhymes with Par-lay will be in MSP.

Bert you are getting all meta on me! Bert Blyleven is watching you.

Man, Leviathan, I totally understand why you got out of the good Doctor's way. That is 530 pounds of 9'12" man sliding in their to grab that ball.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

It should be the Vikings Draught Party: AMIRITE?

Who didn't Bert pitch for? Well uh that's that.

TOP 4TH

Damn blast hell and spite! Cuddy almost had him! Lindt chocolate, I've had about enough of you (I also say this when I have had enough actual Lindt chocolate)

BOTTOM 4TH, 3-2 GEMINIS

Dammit, I hate when the Grand Casino commercials get in the way of first pitch XBH's (extra base hits. is this already a metric?

All Buscher does is hit doubles. I'm telling you.

Injured pitcher so I'm gonna put on some tea.

And is that that?

TOP 5TH, 4-2 GOOD GUYS

WV: I think he just scattered one to the upper deck.

RK: Wasn't Snyder a bad guy in one of the 3 Ninjas movies?

WV: Could be. I recall someone named "Tum Tum", perhaps an younger variation of Leroy.

RK: I remember singing "Rocky loves Emily" on the bus. In college. College.

Well anyway it's 4-3. We're working on some technical and visual difficulties

BOTTOM 5TH, J's DOWN A RUN

RK: Sandcastle smallballin' it

WV: That's a long single... errr double

RK: That ball was going 783 MPH

RK: Span the Bran Muffin - too fast for the naked eye

WV: They need to steal second so that Buscher hits a double.

RK: It's like a magical configuration.

WV: Cito Gaston is the Dorian Gray for sportsdom.

RK: Tally Hall keeping base stealing threat Kubel on the bag

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 3

RK: Scott Rolen. Who the hell is this guy?

RK: Anyway, being forward looking - I hope one day our guys can get a quality start

WV: So, holding the lead would be great.... I... I should say that more often.

RK: It's a luxury we often take for granted

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1

WV: Not to disrespect the dead, but what's the big deal with Mark Fidrych

RK: I have no idea who that really is. And I know that makes me terrible

RK: Scott Rolen will never be Mike Schmidt!

WV: Man the Yankees are awful

RK: I feel like this game is taking forever

WV: It must have the same producers as ER.

TOP 7TH, SAME?

WV: Gruyere, not melting under pressure.

RK: Generally not your fondue cheese

WV: But excellent for a croque monsieur.

RK: Or on triscuits!

WV: Go to Breslow - an intelligent decision. Because he, you know, went to a small liberal arts college in Connecticut.

RK: Yeah, the name eludes me

WV: Something makes me want to call it Fail. That's right, the Fail Slumdogs, whose natural rival is Hogwarths.

WV: We'll see if it was fortuitous that that was a strike out instead of a foul tip.

The Slowey Foods Movement

2009-04-08T20:05:00.023-04:00

PREGAME

RK and I are going to go off on what seems like an obfuscate and senseless digression - but bear with us, it ends up at Carlos Silva. But mostly, it's a moo cow!

RK: To understand baseball is to understand that the game played is not baseball as such. Let me be clear: baseball qua baseball (the theoretical foundation of this blog) is the noumena of baseball, but thing in esse
The game played is but a representation of various nodal points in the myriad contingencies and infinite possibilities of this noumena: in effect, the game played is the phenomenological understanding

WV: The interesting part of this myriad network of contingencies is that the whole phenomenon is bounded, like a non-neurotic id, by a system of rules and boundaries. By being subjected to an order, one can think of a baseball subject.

RK: That's right, this is the finite infiniteness. Nothing exists - the noumena after all only exists in that we observe phenomena - but once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, the universe can start. From that single node, necessarily

WV: True. In the sense that what we're observing is a "subject", there is introduced a sense of otherness, and also an ethics. Meaning, there is a right and a wrong way to cognitively analyze the game.

RK: And since we're not part of the game, we're others othering, opening up (I can't believe I'm referring to Derrida again) infinite ethics. And the ethics are simple: the game comes into us, and flows through us, and out of us. The way of watching, enjoying and analyzing it are many and varied - but there is also a correct and incorrect way to do this. The correct way is to revel. Revel in improbably comebacks, in hitters making good, in pitchers throwing strikes, and in Carlos Silva's specialty: the Sinker That Doesn't Sink

WV: Like I said, a moo cow.

TOP 1ST

WV: "FS Twins": The team that pumps gas for you.

RK: Fox Sports is always already localizing their coverage. From Fox Sports to Fox Sports North to Fox Sports Twins

WV: Jose Morales is hoping this thing wraps up before his curfiew, lest his parents ground him.

RK: Yeah, he's younger than some of the students I have

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: "15-Game Loser", with emphasis on the end of the phrase.

RK: I feel like Silva has no business recording an out - this has raised my expectations to titanic heights

TB: Sandcastle needs no stinkin' second pitch

WV: If things get dull, let's break down how much Silva is making per pitch.

RK: Maybe it's the uniforms but I don't notice 30-35 lb losses/gains. Maybe I just have an enlightened concept of body image

TB: Oh yeah, home runs do occur in baseball. Fascinating.........Like that.

WV: Nice that that occurs while Bert's talking about Silva "making things happen".....touché, Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Morneau is taking the dome roof down one ball puncture at a time

WV: With all these shots to right field, I have this nagging desire to purchase power tools....but I just can't think of where I can do it.....oh what's the name of that place...Hanley's? Stanky's? Oh, I'll just never remember.

RK: Sharkey's Wrench Emporium and Trade Expo Center. Pretty sure about that. 100 bucks

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP A DEUCE

WV: Why this game is fit to be tied.

RK: Silva, thou art loosed!

WV: I think the M's have figured out that Slowey throws strikes.

TB: It's a good thing they got rid of Ibanez or else we'd really be in trouble

RK: I believe there will be a timely GIDP. Then again, I believe in a lot of things that don't happen

TB: Slowey should probably just grow a goatee and complete the Radke-esqueness

WV: Rattled, ruffled. Dick, I see your confusion. One connotes a snake, the other a grouse. On one hand you're being threatened, on the other your threatening. It's ok. I can also speak in antithesis.

RK: The dialectic is, after all, according to David Harvey, how we naturally think

WV: On that plane, Slowey should start envisioning lazy fly balls.

RK: Slowing time would open up space

WV: See: This is the dialectic. That space was necessary so that Silva could pitch.

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED

RK: I have a good feeling the Span is gonna just cold bat a run in

WV: He'll unleash all of his fucklioness.

WV: Dick's befuddlement at Carlos staying in Minnesota during a "long miserable winter" has now alienated the entire fanbase.

RK: And there it is!

TB: Knocked that ball out. Cold.

WV: Stanley, that's it.

RK: "Explodes the bat right there" Exactly Bert

TB: I'm certain there's a rule against conventional dynamite in bats.

TOP 3RD, TWINS 4, M'S 2

RK: "Span the Man?" Gimme a call Dick, I'll teach you how to nickname

TB: What's next, Crede the Sweetie?

RK: Though I'm afraid "fucklion" is probably not conducive to cable television

WV: How about "Slowey the Flowbee"

RK: Casilla the Quesadilla

TB: Punto the C-- uhh...nevermind

WV: I have to say, I miss Telly and all of his awkwardness and parapraxis.

RK: Yeah, who will Telly it like it is?

WV: Poor Telly, an innocent victim of the stranglehold of Merriam Webster's semantic hegemony.

RK: You'll be happy to know Telly now works for the Brewers

WV: Is he the guy that goes down the slide when they hit homeruns?

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: Fan alienation continues: Bert picked Yankees to win AL Pennant. That's even worse than the alienation from my labor

TB: At least I hope he jinxed it. Personally I'm looking for the Bombers to lose 110 games

TOP 4TH

WV: Not a good trend with all these dingers.

RK: Must be the springtime Colorado air?

RK: Thank you for the update, Uncontrollable Id - but at least they have the new stadium! It doesn't matter if they never win another game!

WV: Ugh. Slowey's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.

RK: It's like he's having almost good series against hitters

WV: What on earth is happening?

RK: Yeah, where did my good feelings go?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS DOWN 1

WV: Just 1 run, it's still good, it's still good.

RK: I always hold on to hope

TOP 5TH

WV: It's not often that I prefer reading Lacan to watching baseball

RK: Yeah, my alternative is writing about Critical Discourse Analysis - which, I mean, is just the discourse analysis of Discourse Analysis, right?

WV: I suspect that that might be redundant. Just a hunch.

WV: You should just write "Discourse Analysis" onto a page and turn it in.

RK: It'd be a sealed text

BOTTOM 5TH

(Pulling A Blyleven is experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy the insane ramblings of RK)

This is the inning the boys get to Silva! I know this because Span the Bran Muffin just cold coaxed a walk. Do you even know how many walks he has issued in his career? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!

I don't either but I assume it is not many. OK here we are.

RK: Morneau straight husltin'!

WV: Now this is more like a Silva start.

RK: I love being right

WV: Right now they're explaining infinite ethics and othered otherness to Gordito on the mound.

RK: Yeah, keeping with the Kantian theme from the Pregame: Silva proves his maxim that "All bodies are extended"
Some more than others.

6TH

WV and RK: uhh...BASEBALL!

TOP 7TH

WV: Breslow went to Yale, y'know. Did you know that? Huh? Ivy League?

RK: He's a nuclear chemist astronaut!

RK: But you know, it's not art until it's been valorized

WV: Hold your tongue, Bourdieu!

RK: Hahaha, Leviathan was pointing to the wrong base. Redmond will attend to that, to be sure

WV: And Griffey can sit down.

WV: YALE! Scientists! Building things!

RK: Science! Industry! Technology!

BOTTOM 7TH

WV: Dimples, dimples, dimples.

RK: Buh, jibbabuh, wha?

WV: If that had been Breslow on second....he would've invented nuclear fushion with the base.

RK: Cuddy looked like his mom was gonna yell at him for that. Maybe she will

TOP 8TH

RK: "The back of your bubblegum card." Well i'm intrigued

WV: What's a baseball card?

RK: I like this "Market Monday." As if we couldn't further distort the importance of the DJIA in our everyday lives

WV: The dow is directly related to my personal self esteem, even though it affects me in no way, shape or form.

Wait a second.......

False consciousness? Hmmm? Engels? Bagels?

RK: Look man, all I want is a damn number to tell me everything I need to know

WV: Imagine if we could reduce other phenomena to a number. Like, cosmopolitanism, or imperialism.

RK: Another example of how baseball is a noumena - the numbers therewith only serve fleeting phenomenological ends

BOTTOM 8TH

WV: So this Crede guy.....

RK: I'm always one to root for the guys, but Crede has looked ugly tonight

TOP 9TH/POSTGAME

RK: Nathan's looking sharp.

RK: And that's 200 for Joe!

WV: Our bullpen, doing it's job this season. And Slowey picks up a Livan win.

RK: And so one of the infinite possibilities of the phenomenological representations of the noumena comes to pass. And who doesn't love it when that representation puts a W in the Twins' favor?

Shoulda Been The Powder Blue

2009-04-07T19:45:00.020-04:00

PREGAME

Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:

Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.

TOP FIRST

KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.

RK: Of course he did

KK: He just pulled a...himself.

DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos

KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.

RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault

KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.

DK: Who's the new sideline guy?

RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"

KK: I think he's a big deal.

RK: It's Jose Morales!

KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.

RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate

DK: QTF, Nikolai

RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs

KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?

RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass

DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat

DK: Looking for positive spin

RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist

KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.

KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.

RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would

KK: And to father time Redmond.

DK: dlmn mks th ctch

RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters

DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.

BOTTOM FIRST

KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?

RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop

DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not

TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks

RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion

DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year

RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good

DK: Shhh, don't tell them that

RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress

DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is

RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?

DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs

RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son

TOP SECOND

RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism

DK: Bert's optimism = win

TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede

RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede

TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there

KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.

RK: Or both! See how that works out

BOTTOM SECOND

RK: Well, not much to say there

TOP THIRD

KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?

DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone

RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now

RK: I miss OMG's arm

DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense

RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!

KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.

DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that

RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip

DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock

RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB

DK: Still can't get Beltre out

KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.

DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are

RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later

BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0

RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04

KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.

DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow

KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.

RK: How embarrassing

TOP FOURTH

KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE

DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"

RK: He looked pretty out to me

DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here

BOTTOM FOURTH

RK: The revival!

DK: That swing was pretty

DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?

TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS

KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.

DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!

RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song

RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!

DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop

KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.

DK: warming up H3

KK: Excite

RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him

DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie

RK: HELL YES

DK: in a word, w00t

BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!

DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"

RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple

RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez

KK: Punto, RBI Plz?

DK: Well, baserunners

RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line

DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos

KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.

RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick

DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"

KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.

TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3

RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?

RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question

KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.

RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.

DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored

RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored

KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.

DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there

KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.

RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?

DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins

DK: 98 MPH?

RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous

RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;

KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.

RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight

BOTTOM 6TH

Hahahahaha

TOP 7TH

RK: Crede, keepin' busy

DK: There we go, baseball gods listened

BOTTOM 7TH

KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.

RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches

SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.

RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past

SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.

KK: Betancourt is the devil.

RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag

TOP 8TH

RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good

BOTTOM 8TH

...

TOP 9TH

RK: What to say?

KK: Ayalalayalayala

RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten

RK: Jeezy creezy

TB: Eerrrrgh

KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.

TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?

RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably

BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE

TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock

KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.

TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars

DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit

RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?

DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet

KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.

TB: Cmn Dlmn

KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....

TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn

KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.

TB: Gdeye Gogoez

KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.

TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?

RK: I can haz Kubelution?

TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?

RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!

KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.

TB: Buscher. Well then

DK: how was that not a balk?

DK: I sense a meltdown

TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember

KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.

TB: It's fucklion time.

RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it

TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"

DK: that'll work

TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again

RK: FUCK YES

KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!

DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!

TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."

RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him

POSTGAME

Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.

Let's Get Restarted In Here

2009-04-06T20:06:00.017-04:00

PREGAME

RK: They've been saving up years to start at the new field

WV: For the record, it's currently 43 degrees in Minneapolis.

RK: I hear from live correspondent KK that Carlos Silva was booed

WV: Well, that's better than being jumped by a mass mob of snarly Woebegoners

WV: Dlmn starts the season on the bench, I'm going to long for the hard hit grounders to second base.

DK: Alas...I'm going to long for the absence of all vowels from my speech

WV: Vwls rly arnt ncssry

DK: they're wearing 1982 throwbacks...those look best on the radio I hear

WV: I'll be expecting Mickey Hatcher and Roy Smalley to sub in.

TOP 1ST

WV: That awful screeching sound was Mike Sweeney's hip creeking as he approached the batter's box

DK: This at-bat brought to you by the letter K

WV: Not a bad start. Whatever happens, we can take solace in the fact that The Franchise makes a lot less money than SeeSee

DK: Captain Cheezburger did not adjust well to the Yanqui uniform today

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: I bet Target Field can't snag its grass around an opposing pitcher's ankle!

DK: Turf 1, Seattle 0

WV: This is the Dome's way of reasserting its relevance.

DK: i'm going to cross my fingers and hope they put in Silva

WV: Kubel can consider this a mulligan.

WV: Team trainers must all shop at the same Kohls. The knakis and white polos are all the rage there, I hear.

DK: I'm trying to figure out how an opposing pitcher getting an ankle injury elicits the dome PA blasting out "Working at the Carwash"

WV: OK then, I guess the ankle's a non-issue.

TOP 2ND

DK: New year, we must get Beltre out

WV: OK: Baggy 1, Beltre 0. Trying to put a positive spin on this.

WV: Ken Grffey in a Mariners uni! Holy crap, I just flashed back a decade.

DK: The 1982 uniforms don't help with that

DK: We're going to party like it's 1989!

WV: Someone quick! Send some syringes to Jay Buhner!

DK: Next you're going to see Randy Johnson, '80s metal haircut intact, striding out of the bullpen

WV: And alas, just like for most of 1982, we're losing.

BOTTOM 2ND

DK: Crede 0-1 as a Twin in rather short order

DK: Cargo, of course, taking in the fresh aroma of 2009-era bat

WV: We might need the turn to do us some more favors. Maybe next time break Hernandez's leg

DK: prediction: Redmond will try to go the other way

DK: or just strike out looking

TOP 3RD

DK: I'm tearing up - birthday tribute to Bert on FSN showing the WBC triumph over the DR

WV: Next year it'll be a HOF induction!

DK: we can only hope

WV: With the red caps, the Twins bear a strong resemblance to candy canes.

DK: Should I be praying for a Christmas deliverance of runs then?

WV: I know that the D.R., a small island nation, closely resembles Venezuela, a sizable South American country, but I think the Seattle duo needs to stop referring to Liriano as Santana's countryman.

DK: *shrug* 2nd-rate team commands 3rd-rate broadcasting I guess

WV: Then again, maybe Hugo Chavez invaded the D.R. when I wasn't looking.

BOTTOM 3RD

WV: LNP and I share a similar approach to facing Hernandez: Close your eyes and hope for a walk.

DK: Apparently

WV: Nothing wrong with a little small ball here and there

WV: It obviously helps when you have a singles machine like Mauer hitting behind you.

WV: BELTRE!

DK: ok...we'll call that a long sac bunt. positive spin 'n all

WV: I exclaim Beltre like Jerry Seinfeld does "Newman"

TOP 4TH

WV: Stacey: MLB Extra Innings has a free preview this week, so I'm camped out there. But your plight sounds uniquely modernist.

DK: KK's at the dome? Can't we get her to aim a laser pointer at Felix at opportune moments?

WV: You know, beyond that one bad pitch to Beltre, Liriano hasn't been half bad. And I think the laser pointer is a great idea.

BOTTOM 4TH

WV: Just keep repeating to yourself that Crede was an all star last year.....

WV: And pay no mind to the fact that Ron Coomer was also once an "all star"

DK: Beltre's been an all-star too

DK: Difference is, he's playing like one

WV: -----> Dome throws up hands and exclaims, 'Come on guys, I'm running out of tricks!'

TOP 5TH

WV: EMH: I've had the same problem, but it only seems to regurgitate the Flash download when I'm using Safari but works fine with Firefox.

DK: best sign I've seen today: "RED RIVER FLOOD TO METRODOME. CIRCLE US BERT"

WV: 1990: Ken Griffey Jr. hits an opening day homerun off of Bert. Go ahead, use it to impress your friends.

WV: Crap.

DK: Griffey 1, Baggie 0

DK: Redmond still getting abused by hitters

Wv: Holy splintered bats, Batman. You can poke an eye out with that sort of thing!

DK: Dick: "Redmond usually takes one of those or worse at least once a game"

WV: Sometimes, the opposing bench coach fires a blow dart through his aorta

BOTTOM 5TH

DK: I'm admiring Griffey's 3-hop throw to the cutoff man

WV: And his sorry excuse for range

DK: Span, time to be a fucklion

WV: Leodenardo ought to put his bo shaft to good use here.

DK: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, we spell OPS S-P-A-N.

DK: Cuddy needs to not get the silver sombrero here

WV: OK Dimples - you're on the road back to our good graces.

DK: I'll take solace in that we're not going to get shut out. Bases loaded for Morneau

WV: Ugh

DK:.....GIDP....sure

TOP 6TH, M's 2, Twins 1

WV: Hey, Roy Smalley really is there wearing a jersey.

DK: fact: Dlmn wld'v mssd tht

WV: Oh yeah, no question.

DK: we have angered the Turf

WV: That was not Sandcastle at his most graceful moment.

WV: Whatever happens tonight, we blame the unis.

WV: 2-run tater. Barf.

DK: I blame the unis

7TH, M'S 4, TWINS 1

DK: 2009: An assbat odyssey. that's about what it's looking like

8TH INNING

WV: Luis Ayala is here to ably step into Bass's mop up role.

DK: the Turf hates us

DK: Sandcastle is getting washed away

WV: There's no greater fury than a Dome scorned.

DK: 4-6-3 FTW

9TH INNING

ON BLOGGING STRIKE

Smell the Turf Again One More Time For the Last Time

2009-04-05T17:42:00.005-04:00

HI EVERYBODY.

We're back. Is everything the same as we left it? Nothing ever is.

You can never go home again.

So let's (re)meet your bloggers:

NAME: RK

HOMETOWN: FARGO, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A TECHNICAL INSTITUTE

LIKES: CROSSWORD PUZZLES, COLLECTING JERSEYS OF TWINS PLAYERS ONCE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON THE TEAM (MILTON, GUZMAN, PIERZYNSKI, SANTANA, AND COUNTING)

JOB: TEACHES AMERICAN POLITICAL THEORY

INJURIES: BRUISED EGO, BRAISED LEG OF LAMB, WEEVIL FLU, FIELD WORK IN KOREA (15 DAY DL SOMETIME THIS SUMMER), SLAVERY TO FASHION, UNTOLD HORRORS, ABSTRACTION, PAINT-DRINKING

NAME: WV

HOMETOWN: ERIE, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A JUNIOR COLLEGE

LIKES: RES EXTENSA, BRISKET BARK, LEW FORD BOBBLEHEADS, OH HENRY! BARS

INJURIES: TARNISHED REPUTATION, BROKEN PROMISES, CLUBHOUSE CANCER, NUPTIALS (15 DAY DL IN AUGUST), THOM YORKE'S FALSETTO, KVETCHING, THE LONG BALL

RK: Do you think they get sick of these ridiculous introductions every year?

WV: Well, over the course of the year we shed and regenerate a number of new cells, so I think it's only fair to let them introduce themselves.

RK: Yeah, and also, uh, who is "they?"

WV: My grandmother and a host of bots.

RK: FREE CIALIS

WV: I think we should go the Bill Parcells route and take Batgirl out of retirement, that'll boost traffic.

RK: We'll also sign Terry Glenn. Uh, football! (?) Eye on the prize here, people. We pride ourselves on our relevance

WV: To the chagrin of most everyone who stumbles across this blog. But I digress!

WV: So first things first, what ever will we do while Joe Joe's sacrilegious joint keeps him in DL purgatory?

RK: I, for one, hope OMG's injury boosts sarcophagus awareness. And good thing Elaine Chow isn't secretary of labor anymore! She wouldn't recognize it as a real workplace disability

WV: As a Latin scholar, I'm sure you're aware of that word meaning "flesh eating". So in other words, Mauer's got some problems.

RK: I'm mainly concerned about the toll this will take on Mike Redmond's body. He might disintegrate if this goes too long

WV: We'll need a sarcophagus if Redmond has to catch for any extended period of time.

RK: And who thought we'd be longing for Baker?

WV: Not me, but I also occasionally long for Tony Batista, so go figure.

RK: Hopefully the lemnas will heal him and he'll come back from Rivendell. And that's a good point. For the first time in a long time there isn't some lurking (c)agey veteran in the wings to provide us material

WV: And with R.A. Dickey making the team, the nicknames are practically writing themselves.

RK: Hope springs eternal

WV: But as you know, whenever the Indians or Bitch Sox are expected to win the division, things turn out fine for us.

RK: Absolutely. Let's go comment on other Twins blogs to artificially jack up our readership for a day or two. Deal?

WV: Alright, I'll be the flamer, you be the good cop.

We're Gonna Have To Do This Fuc........Oh, We Won?

2009-03-11T01:08:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to Bert on his masterful job of coaching the Netherlands hurlers. Holding the DR to a total of 3 runs in 2 games no está malo.

Nice to see the Dutch excelling at something other than tulips, windmills, and being below sea level. Pwning the DR is certainly the macho-ist of those feats. Unless, sinking into the depths of the Earth involves combatting the shades of Hades.

This Is Why I love Everything

2009-02-27T13:13:00.005-05:00

1. I saw Girl Talk last night, and

2. Dazzle: "Cody Ransom (?), former Gigante (pronounced "jee-GAHN-tay")"

Even though Baker is pitching like Rocket Bats right now.

Just, you know, shit I'm thinking: Does anybody say "beverage" anymore and not mean beer? Can we just call it beer?

Nibbish, Girl Talk was something else. I danced my tail off. I have moves, and you can ask around if you don't believe me.

No Hall of Fame For You!

2009-01-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

Our namesake moves up a few tenths of a percentage point in the voting this year, but still no cigar. If only Bert had played for the Red Sox.......

Draw your own conclusions.

A Quick Note

2008-11-09T21:52:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers,

This is a strictly non-baseball related personal note. I've made a promise to myself to spread the word, which I do electronically every November 9th. 6 years ago, my good friend at St. John's University, Joshua Guimond, disappeared. I take the time to tell people about this because nobody has seen him since, and no body has been found. In the words of loyal PAB reader NH, "may this year's prayer service be the last we need to hold."

I'm not the praying type myself, but it would be great if Josh could come home.

-RK

Oh, I Am Sad! A Requiem

2008-10-01T22:15:00.002-04:00

Here, watch this right quick, at least the first few minutes:

Mike Nelson's "Oh, I am sad!"

And then think, "Oh nachos!" and here we are

WV: Nice. At least when you just miss the playoffs you can still think, "well, we could've gone all the way!" If you lose in the 1st round, you've lost that possibility.

RK: Right, and while it's easy to say boy, if only the bullpen held up on that big road trip, or they'd beaten the Royals, etc. that kind of obsessiveness is no damn good

WV: We'd become classic cases of Freudian mourning: unable to detach our id from a lost desirable object (the Twins in the playoffs).

RK: Right, though the object itself never existed in esse, so we don't know what exactly we're mourning, and that's the melancholia

WV: Indeed, we may even think we've moved on but there's something from the lost object stashed away in our unconscious leading us to attack our own egos. Which I'll admit, I've done a fair amount of self loathing today based on the result of a game which I had nothing to do with.

RK: Oh yes, many people got an earful from me in the classroom today. But what it comes down to for me is this: regardless of the outcome, we were compelled to watch all 163 games because the team was in the race, and that's a luxury most teams don't have; certainly one we didn't have last year down the stretch

WV: Right, and now we can start getting some work done and start watching "The Office" and "Mad Men" with our significant others again. If Sartre hadn't posited nothingness at the core of being, I probably would've done it just now having read that last comment.

RK: And I'm going to avoid offseason hot stove heater talk, and I'll tell you why. I like this team. Hopefully the rookies will be stronger next year and last longer (Perkins, Blackburn), Liriano will return to true form, Buscher can solidify 3rd, and Guerrier won't have a weird year like this one, and with Mijares and Boof as a surprisingly good longman, I have to say I'm ok with them as currently constructed

WV: Conspiracy theorists would believe that Guerrier was purposely overworked to make winning arbitration against him easier (I know this from Taylor's Twins Talk . Hey, we cite our sources here at PAB. One thing I'd like to touch on is "expectations". I'm happy we were competitive all year, but I'm not with most who think we should be content just because they almost won the division when they were predicted near the bottom. Honestly, when a team has won the division 4 times in the last 7 years, you expect this.

RK: Man, there's a lot of arbitration conspiracy theories around this Twins organization

WV: Even if your team sucks you should still expect them to do well and then be disappointed. I know that coming from a Twins fans that this is easy to say.

RK: But that said, I think we have to keep a level head here. The team BA w/RISP won't be at that historic high again next year, it's just not possible. Hopefully the pitching gets better and they stay competitive. That's really all you can ask

WV: That is all you can ask. Really, the only expectation of greatness is Bert f'in Blyleven.

RK: We're gonna have to do this thing over again, I really fucked it up.... oh we're live? Well I didn't know that

WV: I also understand that Bremer gets a justifiably bad rap for his questionable analysis, but I will miss his naiveté as well. And I'll also admit, when he freaks out on a big play, the hair on my neck bristles.

RK: He sounds like he's about to cough up his dinner like how when old people eat too much too fast

WV: Indeed. It's better than Gordo, because on TV you can at least tell when he's gone overboard on a routine fly out to left field.

RK: God I can't wait for pitchers and catchers to report. I suppose all we can do is keep an eye on the wire and see what's shaking, after rooting for the Rays to go all the way of course

RK: It's like a Bjork song in the PaB universe, that's how oh so quiet it is, and for the first time in a while, I think I'm gonna go to bed early.

WV: I think that is spot on. Soon to come: A strange and off-putting music video involving trees and bugs.

RK: Let's do this again soon, hm? And do be dears and stop by once in a while and say hi or tell us to write about the impending Julio Franco signing. Catch you later everybody. Thanks for visiting.

WV: Indeed, and we'll check in now and again this off-season after we, ahem, sign Julio Franco or Rich Aurilia.

It's A Beautiful Day For Baseball, Let's Play 163!

2008-09-30T19:09:00.019-04:00

PREGAME

Apologies to Ernie Banks. I had to move my computer into the living room because I'm only able to watch the game on TBS, so that probably says something about my pathetic life, but whatever.

DK told me that in one-game playins, the away team is 11 for 14. So hey, that's good!

Let's see what we got here:

Nick Blackburn, who has not been pitching like the Dread Pirate Blackburn, more just like Dreadful Blackburn, but could it be that Ozzie's comments could fire him up and we'll see the Blackburn of July? Maybe

We have John Danks coming on 3 days rest. He's never had to do that before, but he only threw 80 pitches in his last start. None of this means anything of course

Hey Cal Ripken Jr. is an analyst for TBS. I had dinner with him once. He has scary white teeth.

WV is going to be here later - he has to give a presentation on Sartre, which could be apropos depending out the outcome.

My emotional well-being is at stake here. I'm gonna go put some coffee on and start saying ridiculous things in a few minutes. Could you be mine, would be mine, won't you be my coblogger?

Both pitchers are evenly matched, just like these teams are evenly matched. Let's go insane together.

Shit, I finished this 15 minutes early. What else should I say?

Eck and Rip picked Griffey and Thome respectively as their big guys tonight. I love this stuff. Remember in 2002 when everybody said the Athletics were going to romp all over the Twins and they were gonna lose in like 2 games and they wouldn't even show up for the 3rd? And then the Twins won it?

Gardy and Ozzie were talking, and that helps me remember that for these guys it's a game, and they can have fun with it, and they can laugh and whatever... errr, this isnt' working. Score 10 runs in the first like that one time against Baltimore. DO IT

TOP 1ST

LK: Interesting. Cuddy is DHing. Harris at third.

SJ: I'M EXCITED!!!!!!

DK: omg...Harris starting...Gardy grew a brain?

RK: Did Span just get booed?

DK: and we can haz 6-man ump crew? kthxbai. 1.5 times the blown calls!

LK: We all need homer blankies. I hope any Twins fans at the game are wearing bright colors.

SJ: I heart when my boyfriend starts

LK: Does Joe-Ma look nervous? Maybe as nervous as he ever does, which isn't much.

RK: God I love Span in leadoff

SJ: leadoff walk! love it!

DK: Ball four, base hit. aw crap...I'm quoting the effing Hawk...damn yesterday's game being only on WGN

LK: Yesterday's game was on ESPN2 as well.

DK: school doesn't get the deuce

SJ: ps -- i left the bar to come home for the game so i could be with you guys...feel special

DK: fact: Darrin Jackson was a Twin...1997

EH: I kept an eye on yesterday's game with the sound off.

LK: Remember when Alexi was the best on the team at bunting?

SJ: Yesterday's game was not the best...

DK: someone posted a gameday screenshot of the pitch thrown to Ramirez. my grandmother could've hit a homer off it

SJ: i love dazzle talking about the sea of black and how easy it is to spot your favorite vendor as they wear bright green

DK: in a word: fuck

SJ: argh!

EH: Jeez

RK: Now that's just dumb luck

DK: baseball gods, why must you provide the bitch sox with such favor?

SJ: do they seriously just boo everyone there?

EH: Probably

DK: OMG should line one off Danks' shoulders

SJ: So I have a tough choice, Morgan or Crown?

BOTTOM 1ST

LK: FRACK! GIDP is what I wanna see.

RK: Oh, I had to remind myself to breathe just there

DK: There you go, DP

SJ: Nice work on the rundown

EH: Sweet

RK: Good job by Casilla there

DK: anybody else mad that after out-dueling the BItch Sox in the first 18 games we're playing this in their stadium?

LK: Yes, I hate the coin flip.

RK: The tiebreaker rules are stupid, to be sure

EH: yeah. why on Earth do they use a coin toss to decide?

LK: Though at least if we win the White Sox can't whine about the Dome.

SJ: Yes -- but just think of how sweet it's going to be when we get to celebrate being the division champs in their stadium -- we should spray champagne on their fans

LK: Who am I kidding? These are the Bitch Sox, they'll still complain.

EH: True enough

RK: Keep it down, Nikolai

LK: I think they need a few more announcers in the booth.

SJ: Woo!

EH: I'll take that

TOP 2ND

LK: Alrighty then, now let's get some hits! (And runs!)

SJ: I'm down for runs

DK: anyone got over/under on a bench clearing brawl before this is over? cause from the sounds of it you could cut the tension at the Cell with a knife

SJ: Ooooh

RK: Justin, please break your slump. I say this as a concerned citizen

DK: ok...Morneau, do some Waste Management and deposit that Danks garbage in the seats, please

LK: Please Justin, please get it together. ARGH. Why is Justin swinging at bad pitches? It's like he's Jacque Jones up there.

RK: Grumblecakes

LK: Good grief, make him throw more pitches, guys.

RK: Good thing we have Delmon up oh wait

SJ: Remember when we used to take about 10 pitches and then knock one out of the park? Let's do that. That's fun

LK: C'mn Dlmn!

SJ: I felt that swing all the way over here. Oh super... drink time.

BOTTOM 2ND, NO SCORE

RK: That Arby's commercial... good bestial fun (?)

LK: I'm still haunted by the talking baby commercial from earlier.

RK: Well for the love of...

EH: little green apples?

RK: Those are pretty tasty. Especially in a pie

LK: Let's focus on the positives: Thome is easy to double-up.

SJ: Thats right...go back to first. however it would've been quite exciting to see that double play

RK: We can still see one...

LK: Please let the Twins not make any big mistakes tonight (like losing a ball in the lights).

RK: The baseball gods are listening

SJ: Nice work blackburn!!

RK: The Bratz doll is up

LK: Stop showing that grand slam! (I was in the other room when it happened yesterday, had hoped to avoid seeing it at all.)

RK: Mr. Owl is good for a groundout, right?

LK: Let's hope so

LK: I thought we didn't walk guys. This worries me.

RK: I love being right

LK: Oh thank you, AJ

EH: Thanks, AJ!

TOP 3RD, STILL NO SCORE

LK: C'mon Cherry Pie!

SJ: Let's go boyfriend!

SJ: Are they seriously booing Punto?

LK: They're scared of him, 'cause he's such a tiny superhero.

RK: Nobody ever accused the Southsiders of being overly intelligent

SJ: That's for damn sure

EH: True story

LK: I suppose he's the only remaining piranha from that year with the piranhas.

LK: Keep battling, LNP, keep battling. Now I think "battling" looks weird and wrong plus it makes me miss BatGirl.

RK: Hell yes, Nicky

SJ: nice work LNP...way to get my 10 pitch at bat!!

SJ: are they seriously going to boo everyone everytime they come up to bat?

RK: Yes, because they're troglodytes

LK: C'mon, Go-Go!

RK: Punto: psych!

LK: IHOP hit .384 against White Sox this year? Wow. Had no idea.

LK: I'd love to see Danks throw the ball away.

SJ: I'm all for Danks wearing his arm out throwing to first if he wants...

LK: I just like to say "Danks" as if it's the bad sound your computer makes when you hit the wrong key.

RK: It is a good noun to verb

LK: Crapcakes

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

LK: Did the Twins not get my memo about scoring a lot of runs early?

EH: They want to keep the suspense going.

LK: TBS told them to, maybe.

RK: "Might be a close game" I feel like I could be a baseball analyst no problem. I'm probably at least half as smart as Eck

SJ: Can your nickname be "Captain Obvious" then?

LK: We all could do better than Telly Hughes. *Lots* better.

RK: Captain Slackass. I've always wanted that nickname

EH: Is Gardy nervous? He is totally speed talking.

TOP 4TH

RK: Yeah, he's totes mumblecore

SJ: I think this is a good time for some Mauer Pauer

RK: Unlikely with 2 strikes, but I'll take a single to left

LK: It's so nice to see Joe landscaping the batters box there. Nicer if he gets a hit too. WTF? Two strikeouts of Joe-Ma? How is that possible?

EH: Joe! what happened to one of the best eyes at the plate?

LK: Is Joe sick or something?

RK: Boy, ugly inning for the boys

LK: Good grief

SJ: QTF?

EH: You can say that again

BOTTOM 4TH

RK: OK, easy DP potential here, right?

SJ: Right

LK: GIDP would be fab right now, please. I get nervous whenever announcers praise any aspect of our team.

RK: Haha, you're such a good Minnesotan, LK

LK: It's true, it's true

SJ: NICE WORK UMP!

EH: Hehe!

RK: Sit down, bitch!

DK: Dazzle you did NOT just call Konerko "Paulie"

SJ: Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one who heard that...I was thinking that the Morgan was starting to talk...

DK: Twins are tighter than things that are not fit to publish I see

LK: Ugh. But at least Justin caught it.

SJ: You're not Punto...stop trying to make the fancy play Casilla!

LK: Get some runs for Blackburn guys, please.

TOP 5TH, STILL NO RUNS

LK: I'm not sure playing Cuddyer is the best idea ever.

SJ: I think Cuddy might be a sleeper surprise here...I think he'll have a shining moment

DK: w00t

RK: Standup double!

LK: Thanks Cuddy!

SJ: Lt's g Dlmn!

RK: All's right with the world, Young swings at first pitch

SJ: Way to advance the runner

RK: Productive out

LK: Yay!

RK: SQUEEZE

EH: Does Ozzie have a towel around his neck, or a really bizarre sweatshirt?

RK: Towel

SJ: Come on boyfriend

DK: Damn

RK: Bad call, dudes

EH: That is a good way for Cuddy to get hurt again too.

BOTTOM 5TH

RK: BlackCatBurn

LK: I guess I can kinda understand why the Twins might try that given it was Griffey with the throw and AJ at the plate. End result still sucked though

RK: Mr. Owl is good for two groundouts, right?

SJ: just think if it was like kubel running in...

LK: Cuddy needed to do some sort of magic trick as he came in to distract AJ. Obviously

RK: AJ is bitching, further proving the Onion's hypothesis that owls are assholes

SJ: Blackburn on fire!

LK: Blackburn!

SJ: I think Ozzie should start talking more shit...

RK: I gotta say in re: Blackburn. I am pleasantly surprised

LK: Now seriously guys, score some runs. I mean it!

TOP 6TH, STILL NO RUNS, O RLY?

LK: A two pitch out? Darnit, Nick! Though I guess if you average it with that 10 pitch at bat . . . Still.

RK: Stop wasting ABs!

LK: Why are we making Danks look like freaking Cy Young?

RK: 2 out rally: I would like one

LK: Get big hits . . . at Denard's.

RK: Denard's, I like that a lot

LK: Some loud guy at the Dome yelled prices on Dutch Boy paint . . . at Denard's. It was hilarious.

EH: Nice camera work there...

RK: "You wanna get a lead." O RLY?

LK: Anyone know the pitch counts for Danks? Blackburn?

RK: Danks has 83?

EH: Danks has 83

LK: 84 for Danks now. It's like the announcers heard my request.

SJ: Those black towels will be nice to clean off the champagne we will spray them with after the game...muah ha ha ha

SS: So, one hit so far? Awesome

EH: but a bunch of walks - two I think.

SJ: it was a double by cuddy....then he ran over AJ...

RK: Well shit

EH: Argh

LK: ARGH

SJ: Sandcastle, washed away

DK: Grrr

BOTTOM 6TH, STILL NO SCORE

SJ: nice snag!

EH: HOT!!

DK: Glove save and a beauty!

RK: If you don't bring your bat to the game make sure you bring your glove!

LK: I like that Justin Morneau guy

DK: normally, that'd be wrong sport, but Morneau IS Canadian...

LK: He really should get a gold glove someday.

SJ: I love having first baseman with goalie experience...

EH: Yes please

RK: Who is in charge of the cameras?

EH: "A strike to die"

RK: Hahaha, it's like Hamlet in here

SJ: I'm loving these 1-2-3 innings by Blackburn

TOP 7TH, STILL NO SCORE

LK: And the English majors laugh out loud.

LK: I'm assuming Justin won't be bunting as Joe just did.

RK: He sure needs to figure something out

LK: Though no one would expect it.

SJ: Note to Justin -- one RBI from tying the druggie! Let's go!

LK: We think it'd be funny if Justin made it his "thing" to be behind Josh Hamilton and then rally to beat him.

RK: 6 pitches! They gotta wear this guy out! Get to that shitty bullpen!

BOTTOM 7TH

LK: I'm ready to start swearing and I'm a mild-mannered Minnesotan, dammit. Blackburn's gotta be all SRSLY?

RK: You're right Nibbish, but of course we all hope for an outcome in the boys' favor

SJ: This is the worlds quickest game...

RK: Didn't Mark Mulder have a 1 hour 38 minute game years ago with the A's once upon a time?

LK: Their pitching coach is on the phone? Please call in someone awful, thanks.

SJ: NO NO NO FUCK FUCK FUCK

EH: SHIT SHIT SHIT

LK: Bright side mode, no one was on base, and the Twins were gonna have to score at least one run anyway.

SJ: I like bright side mode...but FUCK

LK: I know, right. Figures it'd be Thome though

SJ: Of course. Just wait until we see the emm vee pee performance coming up from Dr. Neau

LK: I was worrying re Blackburn going into this inning, we've asked an awful lot of him.

SJ: Blackburn has been beautiful...absolutely beautiful

LK: And we didn't exactly let Blackburn sit down while we batted. Probably didn't even have time to wrap his arm.

SJ: I still have faith...it's not over

LK: But they have Jesse Crain warming up.

SJ: What goes around, comes around....we've got ours coming

LK: Danks can't keep on the way he's been.

SJ: We don't need the long ball (although it'd be nice)...our small ball is going to come through

LK: It would be really sweet for small ball to win the day, especially after all the Bitch Sox bitching.

SJ: all we need is that one bullpen pitcher before Jenks....

SS: the radio guys said there was work in the pen, that they thought Danks might have called down and said he was hitting a wall

LK: Oh God

EH: That was heart attack inducing

SS: good decision walking Ramirez.

LK: AJ's good for another groundout, right? RIGHT?

SJ: at least

SS: he's even in line for the DP

EH: perhaps a DP

LK: GIDP! DO IT!

SJ: Moons over Mijares!

LK: Will the other starting pitchers all hug now like in the last game of the season? 'Cause that was cute.

SS: the only thing that is keeping from freaking out entirely right now is that my mom just made pumpkin bars and they are delicious. As delicious as a GIDP would be from AJ

LK: GIDP, please please please.

EH: ok, well it was a grounder.

RK: OK, AJ is good for a million grounders

LK: Another out, please, that would be good. <--- stating obvious

SJ: NICE CATCH OTHER BOYFRIEND!

RK: Delmon, thank you for coming up big defensively

SS: thnk y Dlmn!

TOP 8TH, BITCH SOX UP 1

EH: I am seriously gonna keel over here. This is killing me.

TB: Mijares rox the sox

LK: I honestly don't know how I survived game 7, 1991. I was much younger then, I guess.

LK: Danks has gotta be tired now, right?

RK: Only thrown 93 coming off of 80

DK: Harris, now would be an awesome time to get a hit

SJ: Do work son....and by son I mean the Twins

LK: Maybe he's rusty from sitting in the dugout all that time. Or something

SS: Delmon, if you had to get out, you could have at least hit Danks in the arm and knocked him out

LK: Heh. Waitaminute, i blinked and there was an out already? Crap.

RK: You know Dlmn and first pitches

TB: Brendan!!!

SJ: Nice work boyfriend

LK: Base hit!

SJ: here comes the small ball!

SS: beautiful! he was swinging well in that AB

TB: Marc Fein? Any relation to Sinn Fein?

SJ: tolbert running...

LK: I don't care what AJ said unless we get to make him eat his words later.

SS: Seriously?

SJ: yes...tolbert is the pinch runner, and was not prepared at all

SS: well, best of luck to my backup boyfriend

SJ: we subbed sexy for sexy....my thoughts anyways...

SS: I really wish they would stop calling LNP "Punt-o"

LK: C'mon Danks, throw it away.

RK: Oh fuck

LK: GAWD

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

[RK would like to apologize to contributors and readers of the blog. He's too jittery and "running around" to transcribe right now. We appreciate your patience]

SS: HR, that's pretty much ridiculous logic right there

RK: Yeah, that was pretty stupid

SS: like if the game ended 1-0 here, it would somehow be terrible if Nathan hadn't pitched

LK: Well that's surely what we'd all feel bad about. Awful. Just miserable.

DK: Well crap

DK: Thome needs to GIDP

SS: if he does, can we roll over the second out to count for the 9th?

LK: Yes please

SS: screw the old guys! now, as in the election, youth will reign supreme!

LK: HR has a mancrush on Joe Nathan.

TB: I mean really, who doesn't?

LK: It's the horseblow, isn't it? ;-p

SS: good god, does AJ think he's Billy Idol or something? He looks hideous

TOP 9TH, SAME SCORE, LAST CHANCE

DK: so we're sending up a combined 0-6 to the plate in the 9th

SJ: HERE WE GO BOYS!!!!!

DK: at least Span's walked twice

LK: RALLY TIME

SJ: Remember how fun it was to beat them last time? LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!! Rally caps, baby!

SJ: KUBEL pinch hitting!

RK: Well... he's getting the bat on the ball

SS: he knows what he's in there for

LK: if he could connect with one of those fastballs, that'd be nice

SJ: FUCK

LK: Okay, Go-Go could've done that. Or, you know, bunted or something.

SJ: Still have faith

DK: c'mon D'Nard

SS: ok, boyfriend #1. looking so manly, better get a triple

DK: triple and score on an error DO IT

RK: Well here it is

ALL: Shit

Shout Me Out

2008-09-28T13:48:00.021-04:00

PREGAME

Well this is it, huh? It's tempting, very tempting to say, "hey, even if the Twins don't make it, they were in the race the whole 162 game season, and isn't that great?" But I'd rather say, "hey, nobody thought these guys were gonna do anything, let's go to the postseason!" I don't think I'm saying anything too controversial right now.

So what does the scene look like? Unless the Twins W and the Bitch Sox L then the Monday makeup game comes into play. But here's what I like:

Twins hitters have owned Scrooge McDuckworth and the assbats have to stop, right?

Clevelandia is absolutely hitting the snot out of the ball. If they can make Buerherelhe hit the showers early especially, they may score double digits again.

EVEN IF it goes to Monday, here's what I like: Freddy Garcia and Magglio Ordonez are going to have a lot of reasons to spoil the White Sox season.

But let's hope it doesn't come to that, right?

I have to admit, as I've done before, that these games have far too much of an impact on my emotional well-being, even tangentially. Case in point: when Konerko hit that homerun in the bottom of the 8th last night, I started shaking. I'm not proud of this, and I don't recall it being this bad before, but uh, a Twins win would really go a long way toward putting my nerves back together. And I'm talking blowout here. I want the boys to bat around in the first. Morneau to at least put himself back in the MVP discussion (though let's be honest, it's going to go to Pedroier), and Mauer to lay claim to that batting title.

Ozzie threw a picture of his wife in his office last night, so he's clearly unhinged. Let's hope after today someone has to talk him off a ledge. Metaphorically, of course. I don't want anything bad to happen to Ozzie. And you know why? I kinda like him. Be honest, if he was your team's manager, you'd be OK with that. Fuck the rest of those guys though.

I want to see Thome re-crying those country boy man tears he had in the TerrorDome. I want J-Dye's steroids to fall out of his back pocket (kidding!) I want Swish's "don't give a shit" glaze to well... stay the same. I want to see the look on Griffey's face when he realizes he'll never win a ring.

I'm rambling, it's true, but it's more productive than other things I could be doing.

Who the hell's Jim Rich?

TOP 1ST

RK: If I were a smoker, I would have gone through 2 packs already

EH: Yikes! The game has only just started. Good thing you are not a smoker.

RK: And a fine start to the game for Senor Baker

SS: let's do this thing!

RK: Throw a strike!

RK: Jeezy Creezy I have got to calm down

BOTTOM 1ST

SS: yeah, it's early yet. so far, so good

RK: A 5 spot would soothe me right quick

EH: Deep cleansing breaths and maybe some chamomile.

SS: I just hope our offense comes to play today

EH: Amen

RK: The telestrator's not working? Is this an omen, a portent, or both?

SS: well, since I can't see it, it can't be too bad. lucky for me, it's the biggest game of the season and I'm stuck listening on the radio

RK: With Buck behind the plate, a walk is just as bad as a double

RK: Clevelandia scored!

SJ: I heart Jhonny!

RK: Morneau statistically owns the Royals, so he's due, right? Ooooh and Hamilton re-took the RBI lead, so he needs to be due!

SS: Damn, a walk

RK: I'll take that, with Kubel Khan up

SS: yes, go MViceP!

RK: It's OK it's only the first

TOP 2ND, NO SCORE

SS: I know I should be happy they got two on base. Duckworth will tire out quickly. it's just so hard to see so many chances go by us.

RK: Aaaand Bitch Sox have tied it

SJ: Nice bunt, Gordon, do more of those.

SJ: "I think the fans of the White Sox and the organization will be very disappointed if they don't get the division" really Dazzle? You think? that was right after he said that the Twins are the cinderella team

SS: I can see Punto in glass slippers

SJ: Alright Rocket Bats -- that's the only 4 pitch walk you are allowed today. now sit bitches down like it's your job

SS: maybe instead of the piranhas, we can have little singing mice

SJ: Sit. Bitches. Down....check ack, bases juiced for uribe with one out....

RK: Luckily Uribe sucks

BOTTOM 2ND, STILL NO SCORE

SS: who is pitching for Clevelandia?

SJ: Bullington

RK: Some sort of aristocratic sounding name. Yeah, Lord Bullington III And CWS takes the lead

SJ: Clevelandia should just pitch Lee...it's not like they need to save him for the post season

RK: Wouldn't that be lovely, but he's got a sore neck. Another Chicago run

SJ: Bastard hitting my boyfriend....i kill you!

RK: Thank the baseball gods a baserunner

SJ: Time for a little game I like to play....Duck Hunt

SS: haha. let's capitalize on this lack of control by not handing them easy outs.

RK: Way to get the job done, LNP

SJ: Hehe -- Gordo saying "Ray-moan" -- it never gets old

SS: LNP, obviously helped by his fairy godmother, showing how it's done

EH: Sometimes I wonder why I bother listening to the game, you all with video and Gameday are ahead of my radio feed by miles.

SJ: I've got old school radio going on today

RK: It wasn't until Dick just said so, but this is the last time I'll hear them this year. God I hate the offseason

SS: my radio feed is pretty slow too, but luckily gameday is in the future and I can hope to keep up

RK: Feel better, laurel. Save your strength for the ALDS!

SJ: You wanna know what I could go for... a little "Touch 'em all" action

SS: a trip to Souvenir City?

SJ: I'm liking Span running the pitch count up...now if we can get the ball to go the other way... C'mon Span...you KNOW you wanna do a little duck hunting BASER! We're on the board!

RK: Well I feel good about that. If the Sandcastle is strong in low tide, I'll feel even better

SS: YAY! Let's just keep this going, show the M&M boys what to do

SJ: That kind of makes me want M&M's... hehe...Duckworth and Buck...kinda makes me want to go hunting

SJ: Bah

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

EH: Duckworth and that Queen song in the background kind of makes me want to go dig out my old Mighty Ducks tapes.

SJ: Quack quack quack..

SS: keep swinging, Charlie, maybe you'll give 'em a cold!

RK: That is a gem of a movie

SJ: It is a classic

SS: true story: the Mighty Ducks is a big reason why I wanted to go to school in MN

SJ: Hoping to meet coach Gordon Bombay?

RK: Eden Prairie has that power over people. Or was that where they filmed Mallrats?

SS: I always thought Mighty Ducks was Eden Prairie, since the school in the 3rd was was Eden Hall

EH: Yeah, though that could have been a nice hybrid of Eden Prairie and Cretin Durham Hall. And they always claimed they were in Minneapolis, though that Diner car is in Downtown Saint Paul.

SS: yeah, I was so psyched when I first drove by it

SS: of course, I went to St. Cloud with all the country kids who had never skated before in their lives. major bummer.

RK: Doesn't/didn't the Huskies have a decent hockey program?

SJ: I don't think they do...but I'm biased

SS: they're ok, made it to the postseason last year, but no one cares much about them, not like at the U or UND

RK: I know nothing of hockey, except the coach at SJU was on the Miracle On Ice team

SJ: Nice work Rocket Bats!

RK: Alright, and now a ground ball right at someone

SS: How about we keep those wild pitches down to a 0

RK: Well hellbuckets

SJ: Wooo!! I heart stupid baserunners!

RK: Maier, I'm gonna buy you and all your family pizzas!

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

SJ: Oh Gordo -- "he must not've heard his alarm clock this morning because he sure isn't awake for this game"

RK: Bert: "But he got a great jump!"

SS: Yay, my present finally caught up to your future!

SJ: So I just heard the commercial about Bert stopping the drunk drivers -- hilarious

RK: Yeah, I like when he says he "dropped a dime" because to me that means smoking pot

EH: I wish pay phones still cost a dime.

SJ: Haha yeah

EH: Or even a quarter

SJ: Does anything cost a dime anymore?

SS: I think there is only one payphone in all of Lincoln

RK: hey're giving out 2 year leases? Uh... yay? You've won a car! FOR TWO YEARS

SJ: WOO

RK: Sign of the times. I'd rather win 10 british pounds so I could buy a house

EH: I guess they are hoping you like it so much, that you go ahead and buy it at the end.

SJ: Throwing error! Let's capitalize on this - Cm n Dlmn!

SJ: Charge the mound!

SS: Dear Royals, thank you for being the Royals. Sincerely, the Twins

SJ: Alright boyfriend, do work son

SS: Yabuta warming up? music to my ears

RK: While Tom Selleck squeezes his stress ball

SS: I'm watching the Cubs/Brewers on WGN, and they just showed some idoit with a sign that said "Time for a Century-peat (a World Series every 100 years)"

SJ: Wow...

SS: if you have to parenthetically explain your sign, it's not a good one.

EH: It is never good when you have to ..... exactly

SJ: SAFE AT HOME! YEAH!

EH: Future says good things!

SJ: The Twins have yet to get a hit this inning....

SJ: Argh, bad LNP

RK: At least it wasn't a DP

SJ: Come on GoGo...you know you want to go to Denny's for the Grand Slam breakfast...it's your faaaavorite

RK: He's a little excitable up there huh?

SJ: Oh just a little

SJ: Just imagine if we would've gotten a hit that inning...

TOP 4TH, TWINS UP 2, SOMEHOW SCORED WITHOUT A HIT

SS: I really wish Span would have gotten a chance to bat with runners on.

SJ: Pinch hitter already...hmm...

RK: I didn't know Butler was so young

EH: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after that inning, I would say they might be feeling some desperation.

SS: yeah, he is. and he's married, which makes it even weirder.

EH: How young is he?

RK: 22. He must be from the midwest. What is it Jensen, 80% of our high school class is married?

SJ: He's still a baby!

EH: Geez! I am probably older than him.

SJ: Yeah...with kids

SS: nope, he's a Floridian

RK: OK, then he's wacky

EH: Perhaps a panhandler then?

RK: Ha!

SS: but yeah, I get the midwest thing. I'm about to turn 25, and I have a highschool classmate who just got married for the second time.

RK: Alright boys, go to work WITH HITS

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: I predict a double

RK: I should stop predicting things

SJ: can switch hitters switch the side they're on during an AB? cuz that'd be pretty sweet

SS: I don't think so, at least they can't in college

RK: An ambidextrous pitcher in the Yankee organization put that question to the quick. Once the pitcher decides which hand, the hitter has to decide which side

SJ: Aahh, lame

RK: Kinda low there, blue

SS: yup. Creighton has a switch pitcher, they tried to pull a fast one on the Huskers once, but forgot the guy up was a switch hitter and it backfired.

RK: I recall that

SJ: Jhonny doing work...let's hope the team can capitalize on it...

SS: switch pitchers are crazy. the Creighton guy has a glove that looks like it should belong to one of Hemingway's cats

TOP 5TH, SAME

SJ: Nevermind-- Garko sucks at life

TB: Time is running out Clevelandia

SJ: Bullington is out -- Rundles is in

EH: I do not know if my nerves can handle sitting through a Sox-Tigers game tomorrow...

RK: Mine surely cannot

TB: What is with Cleveland and having british-sounding relief pitchers?

SJ: Los Tigres are still up on the non-deviled Rays

TB: Bullington? Rundles? Rinc--- oh wait, scratch that

RK: Yeah, but we're talking about pitchers, right?

RK: "Baseball gods, lower case" Way to be ecumenical, Dick!

TB: Ka'aihue, huh?

SJ: Sitting bitches down...I like

SS: oh man, CC is batting right now, he hit the ball a long ways foul, but just stood there watching it stupidly

SJ: Rocket Bats can sit down the side, and that's a fact!

RK: Now go punish the subpar pitching!

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

SJ: OMG -- Rincon is pitching

RK: And we'll see you Monday evening!

RK: When Frank Viola goes down to Florida for the Twins All-Star Fantasy Camp, do you think he checks his arm or takes it carry-on?

SJ: These days -- probably carry-on, costs too much to check it

TB: If he was flying Southwest he would have to buy a second ticket or something

RK: But we kid Sweet Music. When did Duckworth become Cy Young?

TB: Rincon wins! At least for now

TOP 6TH, SAME

SS: we've got to stop getting pitchers on the ropes then letting up

RK: Baker, that was beautiful. Fucking beautiful

SS: let's push that strikeout personal record, Rocky

RK: Well... at least Mourneau caught it, right?

EH: Always gotta see the good in the bad.

RK: Smart fans not reaching over - well done

SS: good that the fans are trying to help the team as best they can, by doing nothing. you don't know how happy I am to hear Justin make a good play. I feel like he has been struggling defensively as well as at the plate, even though he really hasn't

RK: Let's see if the bottom of the order can do something!

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

SJ: Goooo boyfriend

TB: SIZEMORE

SJ: Aagh

RK: What did Sizemore do?

TB: Sizemore just robbed Asshole of an almost-homerun

RK: Excellent

WV: Who needs the Vikings right?

TB: I don't

EH: Not me

RK: What's a Viking?

WV: We've reappropriated RAGNAROK from Norse mythology.

SJ: I might, but that's cuz I'm constantly surrounded by Bears fans

WV: It's the Duckworths of the world that give guys like Brian Bass hope.

SS: Walk it out, LNP

RK: I see runners on the corners down in Chicago

TB: Yeah and Uribe just blew it, slow grounder to short and he didn't run

RK: I would love for the boys to take advantage of this gift-wrapped opportunity

SS: there's the magical 3 errors

EH: nah, they gave LNP a steal

RK: But we know better

SS: or not, apparently

EH: Which is sorta weird

TB: Blech, 5-1 bitches

SJ: I hate Dye. F'in Rincon

RK: The duct tape holding Rincon together could only last but so long

SJ: That'll teach them to keep him in for "just one more"

EH: Everyone has to learn that lesson at some point

RK: No steroids will do that to you

WV: A one game playoff looks likely.

RK: Unless they lose to the Motor City Kitties

SS: ok, boyfriend. here is your shot at getting another RBI

RK: OK then!

TOP 7TH, SAME

RK: I have to be perfectly honest, I am ill at ease right now

WV: I feel a certain latency, this is true. The 7th inning tends to be our starters' kryptonite.

SS: well, hopefully we can get a little more out of Baker, his pitch count isn't bad, and thus saving us from using the bullpen too early

RK: What a time for the feed to cut out!

WV: I know right Apparently there was an out.

SS: Teahen flied to Span

WV: Nice.

WV: Rocket Bats is a veritable Fucklion today. Meanwhile, Tom Selleck grumbles to himself in the KC dugout.

RK: "I used to make out with Courtney Cox on the teevee"

SS: that's the stuff, Rocky. 1 more K to break your own record

SJ: Ok...I'm almost done with the Clevelandia announcers...they're trash talking the Twins -- at least we're in a Pennant race -- bastards

RK: So unlike their teevee announcers

EH: who fall over themselves to praise the Twins and especially Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Deservedly so, natch

WV: I'm going to find those Clevelandia announcers and demonstrate what a real stiff neck feels like. Hmm...this could be taken as a threat.

WV: By demonstrate, I mean narrate in metaphors.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

RK: Guys, I'm getting sick of saying this - GO TO WORK

SJ: "If the Twins lose today, they can just count themselves out. I don't see them coming in here and putting up much of a fight"

TB: In the words of Scar from Lion King... "IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!"

RK: As Bert would say, "That's why you play the game, though"

SJ: Exactly

RK: Though I hold out hope the Twins will not have to run down to the South Side

RK: Looks like the Bitch Sox are close to locking it up

WV: But think of how amazing it would be if we went there and won. Almost akin to a world series title.

SS: alright, Duckworth out, about 3 innings later than he should have, but better late than never

EH: Though I would prefer not to press our luck...

WV: This is true. I think this team pressed their luck many moons ago

SJ: Way to start the inning, Sandcastle!

WV: What's the batting title race looking like?

TB: Joe

SS: yes! let's play a little game of "hit 'em where they ain't

WV: Mauer is "auer champ". Only on this blog may the diphthong in Joe's surname be used in world play.

SJ: Going to the 9th in Bitch Sox territory -- quick, one of our players promise them cases of champagne!

RK: And Mosaic stopped working for me entirely

EH: The radio just said that Joe has a point lead on Pedroia.

SJ: and Joe dropped a base hit

SS: looks like Mahay was a good choice. whoa, has anyone been following the Detroit/TB game?

EH: No. What is happening?

SJ: Yeah...that one got out of control fast

SS: 7-7 tie, extra innings

EH: What a way to end the regular season.

SJ: Los Tigres were up by 4 going into the 8th or 9th...

RK: Y'know, I kinda expected that. What Morneau did just there

SJ: Oooo...do we have a 2 out rally coming on in the Indians game...

WV: It wasn't a double play, so. Count your tidings, RK.

WV: "Cuddy Buddy" sounds somewhat lewd.

SJ: Nope, Hafner fucked it up -- Bitch Sox won

RK: Alright, so Detroit is heading down to Chicago

WV: Anyone know the probables?

RK: Garcia v Danks right?

SJ: I think so

RK: Well well, if the Mets don't make a comeback now, they're done

WV: The fact that the Tigers are in extra-innings indcates that they haven't given up, so that's a good sign for tomorrow.

SJ: "Always get to first base by buying that special person a Summitt" HAHAHAHA -- I love it! Especially coming from Gordo

SS: is it weird for me to want the Mets to win, if only b/c that would make Jon Stewart happy?

RK: But if they don't, we know Jerry Manuel will be looking for work next year

SJ: Woo! Good hitting!

RK: Dlmn's beat is correct

SS: Delmonster!

WV: Wow, I'm surprised their CF didn't try to catch that.

RK: Torii's not out there

WV: I know right. And, a rare display of positive emotion from Gardy. Uh, Pridie is supposed to be fast, right?

TOP 8TH, TWINS UP 4

WV: Really, I couldn't distract my attention from his unoriginal early 2000's goatee/mustache.

SJ: Woo! What a play!

WV: I think Reyes should pack his bags, because Mijares aint goin' nowhere. And he won't cost a lot of money

SJ: Si senor

SS: ugh, I lost my audio. gameday only it is.

RK: I think a lot of people are trying to watch/listen to this

SJ: yeah...mlb is being not fun right now

RK: they can't handle the awesomeness that is the MNTwins

SJ: It takes special people to do that

BOTTOM 8TH SAME, A MILLION POINTS OF LIGHT CRASHING MLB.TV'S SERVERS

EH: Oh no! Will he get to his canoe in time, or will the canibals get him! I cannot handle the suspense.

SJ: This game better get done with quick; I'm hungry

SS: yeah, I wouldn't mind if they make this bottom of the 8th zip by

SJ: LNP!

SJ: Tomorrow's game, 2:05PM EST Garcia v. Floyd

RK: And the Mets miss the playoffs

EH: That is sort of sad

TB: Oh darn. Are we going to liveblog that there game?

EH: Ooh, Gobble!

SS: Duckworth and Gobble in the same game? poultry-rific!

RK: I wouldn't mind a Mauer walk here to let Morneau try to retake the RBI lead

SJ: Their names are making me even hungrier....and I don't know what to eat!

SJ: NICE, MAUER TRIPLE!

EH: Wow the future is really good right now

RK: And now with a dinger, Morneau can retake the lead

SJ: And I believe that would most likely secure a batting championship

RK: Boston plays again tonight, so who knows

SJ: Who's pitching for the Yanks?

RK: Joe Bodus for all I know

SJ: Boo

RK: Oh well

TOP 9TH, TWINS UP 6

RK: Heh, with the Mets loss I get the feed back. Normally I don't like closers in non-save situations, but what the hell

SJ: I'm trying to decide what I want to eat...our abundance of pitchers from south of the border have me craving a little Mexican food...

SS: mmm, that sounds good

RK: When I'm unsure, I look to whatever's on Food Network for guidance

SJ: I know -- Six Pack and a Pound Sunday at Taco Johns -- if only the six pack part was beer....*sigh*

RK: If only there was a Taco John's in Blacksburg!

SS: better make sure Mexico's favorite son, Joakim Soria, doesn't get in to pitch

SJ: TWINS WIN! TWINS WIN!

POSTGAME

SJ: HELL YES!

SS: GO LOS TIGRES!

EH: YES! I cannot beleive I am about to say this: GO TIGERS!

SJ: Hey -- we only have to be Tiger fans for 24 hours

RK: Freddy Garcia, you're my boy. Right now

RK: Like Bert said, the Motor City Kitties are gonna show up angry for having to go down there and they'll steamroll the Sox

Razzle Dazzle

2008-09-27T15:43:00.021-04:00

PREGAME

Well, here it is. The Twins need to win. The Bitch Sox don't need to, but would be helpful if, they lost. But anyway, as you all know, I'm stuck in Blacksburg, VA. And Fox picked up the game, so

NYY/BOS rained out yay!

I'm closer to PHI boo!

So I may have to live with radio and running Gamecast gameday, whatever. Because I can't count on Gordo and Dazzle to give me an accurate description of what happened. No, what I need are red green and blue dots. Don't you hate on gameday when the dot is blue but it doesn't say (outs) or (runs)? I hate that

You know what to do if you want in on this special Saturday action

TOP 1ST

Aaaand I get the Brewers. Welp, here's to you, Gordo

After a first strike, 3 straight balls from Perkins. Which is kinda like eating at Perkins. The first bite you're all "YES PANCAKES" but then you realize they're not very good pancakes and that you're getting full, but not in a good way but at least you're not eating at Ponderosa.

Sounds like people are crazygonuts at the TerrorDome. That's good.

I hope Glen doesn't decide to let every hitter get 10 pitches.

If the boys win this game, I will praise Brendan Harris for firing this team the hell up. I'm even fired up over the radio!

BOTTOM 1ST

I do kinda like hearing the old familiar commercials though. I remember jingles. It's a weird talent I have. The CaRX song? I know it.

Oh no guys, no more backwards Ks. First of all, it's communist.

RK: OMG needs a double in the gap. Moreso, I need a double in the gap from OMG

SJ: You missed GoGo doing the starting lineup..hi-larious. and Bert and Chris Rose doing the commentary -- I'm in love

RK: Grumble grumble Mark Grace in Milwaukee grumble grumble

RK: Well, if nothing else the boys are making Gilgamesh work a bit

SJ: casilla steals third! woo!

RK: I love it when players steal third. That's always on the pitcher

SJ: uh huh -- he jogged into the base pretty much

RK: Man I would love a straight steal of home

RK: Oh dear, Hamilton's almost caught up to Morneau

SJ: bah

RK: Oh jeez

TOP 2ND, NO SCORE YET

SJ: If they're voting MVP's on how many perfect pitches got past them -- Dr. Neau would win on that at bat

RK: Oh Dazzle, he said they were all really close pitches

SJ: If you call right down the heart of the plate close, then yes

SJ: So the random thing I forgot to tell you about GoGo doing the starting line-ups....he was wearing a Superman shirt under his warm up shirt
and was all like "batting 9th is me, Superman, ahhhhh" and he flew away

RK: That is pretty incredible

SJ: I think someone should get Bert and Chris a beer -- I think it could make for a more interesting game

TB: You know who I'd want to see alongside Bert? Joe Buck.

RK: Only if Bert punched Joe Buck is his nepotistic mouth

SJ: Oh that would be super.

WV: like in those Holiday Inn commercials where they want to touch Joe Buck's throat. Only more brutal.

RK: 6 in a row by Perkins and only on 200 pitches!

BOTTOM 2ND, NO SCORE

TB: Wait. Kubel going the other way?

RK: Where's Gordo from? I'm guessing iron range. Everybody I know from there says "cunner" instead of "corner"

SJ: Ooo...Bert and Chris are getting witty...I love it

RK: I have hope for this game; Dlmn swung at the first pitch; the world is back to normal, everything in its right place, God in his kingdom

RK: SJ, you best be getting some stuff they're saying, or I'm gonna break your other leg

TB: WAKKA WAKKA DOO DOO YEAH!

SJ: Bert: "I love these graphics, if you throw it down the middle he hits .411. The other squares you'll see aren't as high" Chris: "I'll take Whoopi in the middle sqare to block"

SS: Fox is showing the Cubs, and the radio is playing college football

SJ: THATS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!

RK: Brendan Harris, you're the spark this team needs today. Much like that one thing Optimus Prime keeps in his chest. We can learn a lesson from SS, WV. Like poor children in other parts of the world, while we bitch about having to listen to radio, some people don't have anything. Won't you give 70 cents a day?

TB: "This twelve-year-old girl has never eaten. Won't you help her?"

SJ: Sorry, my money goes to the beer I drink during the games.

RK: You hear that, SS? No cents for you

EH: there is always gameday pitch-by-pitch

SS: I don't need your charity! I actually found the radio broadcast so I've got a little access

RK: I'm running it - exciting dot matrices!

TB: Awww fiddlesticks

SJ: Good deal SS, I was starting to feel guilty...

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

WV: I feel like bitching about this inning-ending double play, plating only one run. But some teams don't have ANY runs...like the Royals!

RK: You know what I'm learning? Nobody under 70 goes to Grand Casino

WV: I bet nobody under 70 lives in all of Hinckley.

SJ: They all go to Treasure Island Resort and Caseeeeeeeeeeno

RK: OK, this will sound strange. But my eldest sister got married in January in Hinckley because she's fucking insane. But I swear, somewhere between Hinckley and St. Cloud, on some highway (23?) there is a stretch of highway cleanup sponsored by 4 of the X-Men

TB: Hey I've been on Highway 23. Though I missed that sign I guess

SS: awesome. I never had the pleasure of driving that far up 23, but I don't doubt it. Good ol' Stearns County

RK: St. Cloud has a 5 Guys!

EH: as in the one that everyone is gaga about around here?

RK: Oh yes

SS: When did they get that?

RK: I dunno

TB: I'm certain I feel asleep at the wheel on that road, woke up an hour later, and then turned onto I-35 to Duluth like nothing happened.

RK: A double play here would just make my socks roll up and down

TB: That'll do as well

RK: Whew, got some help from Aviles there

TB: Aviles might have the most annoying batting stance ever

RK: Worse than Craig Counsell? This I gotta see... oh wait dammit

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: BERT BLYLEVEN TRAFFIC SAFETY P.I.!

SJ: Bert already said that Rick Anderson is probably hoping that Perkins will go 5 or 6...heaven forbid he go anymore on 8 days rest...

RK: Perkins could stand to have an economical inning

EH: A hit!

RK: Not an error?

EH: i have no idea

RK: Gordo made it sound like an error is why I ask

SJ: Span stealing! Woo!

TB: Why must the FOX Scoreboard line make an entrance noise? What is this, PowerPoint?

EH: power point by high schoolers

SJ: I love when Mesh double clutches on the throw so Lexi can get on base

WV: The Fox network is like the pretty but insecure girl at school; always making sure people are still paying attention.

TB: Gil, this isn't MLB The Show for PS3, you don't have to double clutch everytime you throw

RK: Gilgamesh beginning to crumble. Like in the story? No, wrong story. Who's his friend who died? My mythology is all wrong

EH: oh man, notre dame scored.... not that you all would care.... now i hear about the twins score.

SJ: Woot woot -- 2-0

RK: I care, EH. I like the Boilermakers

EH: Excellent

SS: OMG! I'm finally all settled in, and I get to hear OMG helping score my boyfriend

SJ: That was a lot of OMG...

RK: And now Morneau will hit an upper deck home run. WON'T YOU JUSTIN

TB: Good contact Morneau, we're making progress

SJ: YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT

RK: 'cept Jermaine Dye. Who is not cool

SJ: He's a wannabe

SJ: Woo-- a baser!

RK: That'll do - I can haz Koobelsmash plz?

EH: huzzah. double play

RK: OK guys I can do without the ending potential rallies with DPs

TOP 4TH, TWINS UP 2

SS: however, if they keep scoring one run an inning before the DP, and keep shutting KC out, I won't argue

SJ: Neither will I

RK: That's true, but I also want Meche outta there to get into that bullpen

SS: yeah, maybe then can launch a couple in the next inning to run up the score, then go back to their pattern

RK: Callaspo, back to the dugout to man the steel drums

SS: I think Callaspo makes me think of calliope, is why I think of circus music, but steel drums could work too

EH: Or calypso

SJ: Guillen is a fan of Perkins...

RK: And that, Jose, is why you run hard out of the box

RK: I like that Glen, do it again

SS: why is it that gameday is sometimes in the future and sometimes in the past when compared to the radio broadcast?

EH: ah the mysteries of internet

RK: That's a great question, SS. I will say, talking to the head... internet guy at mlb.com, he designed the site with macs in mind

DK: He did it again, there you go

RK: Well if it's that easy - Gomez, hit a home run plz. Kthnx

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Brendan Harris is gonna do something here

RK: By doing something I did not mean strikeout, but there's still time

DK: two on for D'Nard

RK: And hey, we can't end this inning with a double play! Trick's on you, Gil! Sucks to your ass-mar!

SS: woo, I'm liking this version of IHOP that can get on base by hitting the ball out of the infield

SS: damn, the future tells me that my boyfriend grounded out

RK: He did, SS. He did

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: Quik trip sells potatoes and onions for .39/lb?

EH: and do not forget the apples bananas and oranges.

RK: It's been too long since I've been to Minnesota

EH: ditto here

TB: Me too. Something like two weeks

SJ: I haven't been there since...Thursday

RK: I keep telling my former high school students who are at St. John's to sponsor me for a guest lecture but they are lazy no-good punks

RK: OK, Gordon will ground into a double play. Yes.

WV: "I think you need to get into those big time games and perform...to be a big time pitcher." Thanks Dazzle, that's brilliant.

EH: As always

RK: He understands the irresistible power of the tautology. A=A, bitches!

SS: SJ, does Gordon still have his ridiculous facial hair?

WV: He would've made a fine deconstructionist.

TB: How often are you gonna label "Twins/Royals" as a big time game?

WV: Well, Gilgameche is epic.

TB: Yes, in fact, I think that's one of the 5 or so things I learned in 11th Grade Literature.

RK: I'm sure Young made that look more difficult than it was, but now, now is the time for a DP for my mental well-being

SS: yes, Buck is not the most fleet of foot so a grounder would do the trick

SJ: Mother of...

DK: Did Dazzle just say "Dlmn playing the corner perfectly on that one"?

RK: Indeed he did

DK: It made me go O RLY?

SJ: If he did...let me tell, he was not. I swear it took him about 5 minutes to get to the corner. I wonder if Butler's ever been considered for a middle reliver...

EH: Agh!

WV: I've never been so anxious for Bonser to warm up quickly.

SS: yikes! Vi, if you hit into a DP, I will love you forever

RK: Yeah, he can still get outta this, he can still get outta this

SJ: Blah

EH: Or not so much

RK: Well... not the worst outcome possible

EH: True, true

SJ: Thank the good Lord...it's done

SS: we still have the lead

SJ: I'd really like to see that 17 game hit streak not extended today

BOTTOM 5TH, ROYALS 1 TWINS 2

RK: I'd like to get 15 runs here. Order up!

SS: I think the goal for this inning should be to get Meche out of the game

RK: "So that could be it for Perkins" Dazzle, I'd bet the rent on it

WV: Bad week to be ranked in the top 5 in college football.

SS: who is losing now?

WV: Florida

SS: beautiful

RK: Morneau, I am quickly losing patience with you

DK: Dr. Neau needs a new prescription of patience inducing medication

SJ: Dr. Neau is reeaaally good at watching perfect pitches go right by him....except for the last one that he swung through

DK: Fuck

RK: So much for this inning's goal

TOP 6TH, SAME

SJ: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF, Bert better say it, he's on national TV dammit

RK: This commercial about Morneau being a premier tattoo artist is dripping with unintentional irony

SJ: Bert...that was the weakest "BOOOF" I've ever heard...so disappointed

SS: hopefully the Boof, as Bert is wont to say, is on fire today

RK: The outcome of this inning will have a direct correlation for how much whiskey i'm going to put in the coffee i have brewing

EH: not a very auspicious beginning

RK: Dazzle sounded really disgusted with Bonser there

SJ: I'm disgusted with Bonser right now

WV: Well, this has put me in a sour mood.

SJ: I'm switching to whiskey...which could make for an interesting evening

WV: I mean, why is Bonser your first call to the pen anyways? I know he's been decent lately but his ERA is still 5.80 or so

RK: Hahahahahah, oh you laugh or you start crying

TB: Oh snap. That would have just been rotten

RK: I'm glad I didn't see that

TB: It was not cool. But way to go you silly ol' Bulldog

RK: OK OK OK OK ground out

SJ: That was a little intense... Maybe too intense for one out...

TB: "We're all the way out here in the bullpen, and you'll never guess what we've found. The internet! Seems it can't hide here either."

RK: Dazzle: "Way outside" MLBGameday: "more inside than the first pitch"

EH: !

RK: OK OK OK OK one more out

SJ: What a snag!

DK: Guerrier you beast you

RK: Dear baseball gods, don't you ever let this happen to me again

SJ: Do you think they call Guerrier grandpa since he's like 30 years old...he's creeping up to Redmond and Punto...

EH: you are a Twins fan, that is like asking for it to never rain again.

BOTTOM 6TH, TIED AT 2, ULCERS FOR ALL!

SS: whew, I can live with a tie game for now

DK: wonder if Gardy's wishing he could take a mulligan and just leave Perk in

RK: Hopefully that lit a fire under their asses that they have to score some damn runs

SS: and in other news, Dlmn swung at the first pitch

DK: dlmn mssd th mm

EH: Shocking!

SJ: I am shocked

SJ: So what do you think Dick is doing without Bert today?

RK: Eating pounds of sausage links

DK: remember when the Royals were good for at least 3 errors a game? I miss those Royals

SJ: Me too

RK: Remember when knocking Meche out after 5 seemed like a really reasonable goal?

SS: we were such idealists in our youth

RK: Now we are wizened, hard, and cynical

TOP 7TH, TIED AT 2

SJ: denny's

RK: Out of context, that's really funny. Or it's at least tickling me anyway, like "yknow what? Denny's. I said it"

SJ: I like Denny's

DK: "A foul grand slam home run by Alex Gordon..." says Gordo...doesn't the whole "foul" bit negate the rest of that sentence? Or have I had the rules wrong for all these years?

SJ: I get scared when he throws more than 4 pitches. QTF?

SS: alright, Vi is quickly becoming dead to me, and I'm not very happy with any of the other Royals either. I'm stripping them of all the nicknames I've given them in the past

RK: Thoughts are brewing in my head that I can't believe the Twins wasted all that effort sweeping the Bitch Sox just to piss it away now

TB: Again, Gardy. Why is this the thought process? "Let's see, tie game, runners on, important game to win. Let's put in Crain"

RK: What else can you do? Everybody's thrown their arms off

TB: Moons over Mijares or something. Did he pitch last night?

RK: I bet you'll see him next inning

SS: nope, he shoud be good

RK: Even when things go right they don't go right

RK: This game is making me ill

WV: This is just ridiculous

SJ: Morneau!! You forgot to say "go go gadget arms!!" AHHHH so close!!

RK: Just think, no wild pitch, infielders aren't playing in

TB: There goes the MVP

RK: He probably lost it in his ABs the past week

WV: Overall, I think he lost it by not being the most valuable

EH: that could be the key

SS: ok, time to stop the bleeding. good start with an out

RK: Apparently they turned the fans on when Teahen hit that

RK: Alright guys 9 outs left, now go to work

BOTTOM 7TH, ROYALS UP 2, PANIC!

SS: I really want not to be really torn up about this game, but I just can't help it

RK: Yeah, if this is how it's going to end, at the hands of the Royals, I would rather have had the team swept by the Sox, blasphemous as that sounds

TB: Myself as well.

SS: it's like the Royals are trying to cash in on some debt we owe them for helping us get into the playoffs in '06

RK: Ha, that may be it!

RK: Cargo has to get on here, right? I mean, the only time we've touched Meche was when the leadoff man was on

DK: Well there you go, he's on with an E5

SS: I'll take it

RK: Here's their chance!

DK: D'Nard as the tying run...this has so much poetic potential here

SS: boyfriend, I would like you to hit a triple here, please!

DK: Since Dick is absent, I shall do it. THREE and one with Casilla on deck!

DK: ihop ihop ihop all the way to 2nd base

RK: I hope this payoff pitch treats Span well

DK: Yes it does - free pass

RK: double steal DO IT

DK: followed by squeeze play DO IT?

RK: Yeah why not?

DK: y'know...D'Nard could probably score from 2nd on a squeeze. He's done it before

EH: Good-bye, Gilgameche

SS: Adios, Meche!

DK: "Royal 55, turn left, contact departure...cya!"

TB: Oh geez

WV: ??

TB: Nobody here speaks airplane nerd, DK

DK: I said what I said...

DK: way to flop down for drama, lexi

RK: We'll see if Casilla wants to be the hero again

DK: Or not

SS: that's the beauty of this thing we've got going, right? no one is watching the same broadcast, no one is speaking the same language, but it somehow seems to work

TB: Nope he doesn't

RK: OK now double steal for real

TB: That's a million dollar fine in my book

SS: except when the future brings bad news, like how the sandcastle is crumbling. OMG, your batting average is dipping. I need you to get a hit. you need you to get a hit

DK: is OMG above red lights?

RK: Haha, he'd never swing at a 3-0

TB: No of course not

EH: No need to swing

RK: Justin, you can reclaim your MVP status right here

DK: Justin, we wouldn't complain if you upped your RBI total a bit more

DK: Hamilton's in the rearview mirror and all

SS: how about a grand slam of the fair variety

SS: none of this foul stuff like Gordon likes

RK: You know, the kind that score runs

DK: Mutter, not quite. 6-4-3

EH: i really do not like it when the future says things like that

SS: on the first pitch? who doe she think he is, Dlmn?

DK: you like it as much as I like being the bearer of such news

RK: OK I'm gonna go throw up

TOP 8TH, SAME, SOMEHOW THE SAME

RK: This is rigoddamndiculous

WV: This is as ridiculous as that time we had Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low it was ridiculous

EH: here is another shocker: the Nats just lost

DK: the Royales are taunting us now, they're stealing bases

TB: I know, my roommate the Phillie Phan just squealed

DK: Gordon's dancing on 2nd going "Pitcher pitcher pitcher! You caaaaan't get me"

SS: damnit, Alex. I hate you and your stupid facial hair

WV: I was waiting throw in "Royal pain in our asses" but that seems like a ship that has long since sailed.

WV: I had to read Sartre and other existentialist stuff for a class before the game and I have to say, I sure do feel a lot of nothingness and anxiety.

RK: The abyss is currently staring back into me

DK: he's in ur infield, stealing ur bases...

SS: fuck. just fuck.

TB: No, Buck. It's John Buck

DK: aaaand for those scoring at home, that's a 1-2-5-1-6 FC

TB: Pinko: Ya'll get on outta here!

RK: Or even if you're not. Huh, sounded better when Olbermann would say it

WV: Wow, Michigan came back down 19-0. Wanting Wisconsin to lose is my only real ambition now.

SS: I'm trying to store up all my college football energy for the "big game" starting in about an hour

TB: Ok. OKAY. Come on boys

RK: The little guys have had to shoulder the load the past week, they're gonna have to do it again. I don't like their chances against the likes of Soria

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

DK: whoa...a Tolbert sighting

RK: Delicious! Raymoan Ramirez. Glad to hear that

DK: normally pitchers whom Gordo called Raymoan end up sucking. good sign

TB: Infield hits really taking their toll, Bert

EH: well, lead off

RK: Maybe Young will make us all deliriously happy?

SS: I'll likely be delirious regardless, hopefully the happy part will be true as well.

RK: Well that was like a swig of lukewarm water

TOP 9TH, SAME

DK: Moons over Mijares in

TB: well if it means anything, the Indians are winning

DK: I was really looking forward to wanting the White Sox to lose, instead of needing them to lose

SS: I still have a tiny kernel of hope

RK: Me too. Like I said, I can't help it

DK: I have faith until all 27 outs are recorded, as misguided as it may be

RK: Alright, well, let's see what the top o' the lineup can do

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

SS: well, KC has two errors so far, RK. can we count on them to commit another one so we can actually capitalize on it?

DK: I'd like to see Soria commit a couple errors in the form of meatballs over the heart of the plate

RK: Everybody's got a blow a save sometime

DK: that's a start

RK: "Possibility Morneau will bat in the inning" At this point, Gordo, that's more of a threat than a promise

SS: yeah, don't set him up to crush our dreams

DK: sshhhhh Soria can't find the plate

TB: Would it be too naive of me to want Morneau pinch hit for?

RK: Hopelessly

DK: with whom, dare I ask? Cuddles?

TB: Macri

SS: that's a tough call. right now I'll settle for anyone who will stand in the box and not swing

DK: well, ask and ye shall receive as OMG is up

SS: let's let Soria make as big of a mess as he can

DK: and his patience at the plate approaches that of a Zen Buddhist

SS: ohmMG

DK: Curse you baseball gods, my head visibly hung there

RK: Seems something like that has happened every inning

SS: please give Tolbert the chance to be a hero

DK: and of course it would go to a full count just to torture us

DK: hate

In The Driver's Seat

2008-09-26T20:00:00.020-04:00

PREGAME

OK, we really know the MNTwins don't fully control their own destiny. If both teams win out, then there's the non-playoff play-in at USCF. You may know it as Comiskey. BUT! - yes, if the CWS lose and the MNTwins win, then the magic number (isn't it great that now we talk about the magic number as a good thing?) is 4, could make things a hell of a lot easier.

There are two guys standing in front of the teevee tonight and I guess we're supposed to watch? I'm probably the worst political scientist since Samuel Huntington (zing!) but this game is more important than the debate. OK OK, I'll put on the... CNN? Whatever in the background.

Oh Dick and Bert, so good to be here.

Email/IM me if you want in on this special Friday liveblog

TOP 1ST

RK: They're wearing the Sunday unis. I hate the Sunday sleeveless look

SJ: I like it... and speaking of sunday...i may be at that game

RK: Jersey's oughta have sleeves, and that's that. You lucky duck

RK: Delmon Young freezes on fly balls so much DQ should sign him to be a pitch man. AND CLEVELANDIA IS UP 1!

SJ: He could be Blizzard of the month. Woohoo!

BOTTOM 1ST

SJ: Let's go Sandcastle. We know after last night you know how to hit

RK: Trey Hillman has a Tom Selleckesque quality about him

SJ: Hehe, oh baby oh baby

SJ: I need some whiskey

RK: Absolutely

SJ: Woo, a baser!

RK: I have never been this glued to a game involving the KCRoyals

SJ: i don't think anyone has....even royals fans

RK: Dr. Neau owns the Royales though. I like him up here. I think he'll hit a dinger tonight

SJ: I like where your heads at. Maybe go all Longoria-like?

RK: That would be a thing of beauty

SJ: Or not

TOP 2ND, NO SCORE

RK: Heh, Bert just called the Royal pitcher "Zeinke"

RK: i can't help but like the royals. i hope they lose every game against the boys, but i just can't hate 'em

SS: yeah, the Royals play the game right. It would make me happy if they don't lose the division, as long as we make the playoffs

RK: OK then, grounder right at somebody yes please

SJ: only one batter in the royals line up has hit a homer against liriano... and it's this guy

RK: Who hasn't Miguel Olivo caught for?

SJ: i'm still not used to "Target Field"...doesn't sound right...

TB: Well, you'll have all of next season to get there...

RK: I don't like that name one damn bit

TB: I would have fallen in love with Land O' Lakes Field myself

SJ: Target Field next to Target Center....it's too much Target... I love the place, but seriously

RK: Hennepin County paid 2/3 the cost, I'd like that recognized in the name, but alas

RK: 2-0 Cleveland and I'm so very much ignoring this bases loaded jam right now la la la

TB: 'Tis over, at least it is in this dimension

SS: Whew

RK: I've caught up to your future, TB, now let's save John Connor

BOTTOM 2ND, NO SCORE

TB: So is Karleeeeeeeeeee still at the Dome making out with Span? Or is she back

RK: KK is at the dome; makeout status unknown

TB: Holy crap, is Telly an elf?

RK: Um no, see Scott Baker

SJ: I'm still disturbed that LNP is the spokesperson for Continental Diamonds... I just picture him all blinged out

TB: Oh..there's Span...no lipstick stains

SS: or that a woman would like him enough to accept a diamond from him, SJ?

RK: I may have trolled some CWS message boards, and let me tell you, Southside fans have a thing for Natalie Punto

SJ: Well, I think I may accept a diamond from him...I mean, it is LNP. I bet he gets a discount. Maybe he hooks the rest of the guys up?

RK: Good AB, Dlmn. I can't believe I'm saying that. CWS have pulled to w/in 1. Hrmph

TB: I was going to say...it would have been a rather strange alignment of the planets to have a great at bat from both Dlmn and Buscher...alas

TOP 3RD, SAME

SS: at least we're getting some hits

RK: Yeah, this Davies guy is no slouch. At least we're sorta making him throw a few pitches

SS: Davies has had a couple of good starts back to back, but Splitty just let me know he's been struggling out of the stretch so hopefully we can keep it up

SJ: Well son of a...

RK: It all... it all happened so quickly

RK: Alright, so now Frankie needs a strikeout. Aaaand the White Sox have taken the lead

SJ: "Delmon Young does have a good arm in left field" -- thanks Dazzle aka Captain Obvious, I was not aware of that

TB: F-Bomb throwing batting practice I see

SJ: Frankie gone wild

RK: Well this isn't going at all like I planned

SJ: Why are Gordo and Dazzle talking about Ichiro? Did I miss something? Are we all of a sudden playing the Mariners?

RK: Ha, well y'know, apparently someone in the M's clubhouse wanted to get all LL Cool J on Ichiro and knock him out

TB: Wellllll

SJ: Frankie (says) relax

SS: ugh, I hate when the minor leaguers act like big leaguers

SJ: Haha, it's better vice versa

RK: That's true, laurel, the money helps, but it irks me to no end that the taxpayers of Hennepin County don't even get to see the stadium they mostly paid for named appropriately

SJ: Well hot damn, we got an out

TB: Woot another one

RK: I can handle down three. Let's keep it that way

TB: As pathetic as it is that we're celebrating getting the Royales out

RK: This team is playing their best baseball this season. These aren't going to be easy wins, if wins at all

TB: Well that's just great

SJ: I'm so glad I can't see the game sometimes..ie, now

SS: ok, I'm switching over to the radio, I don't think I want to see it either

RK: Down 4, I don't like that so much. And 'cisco has thrown about 60 pitches

SJ: Humber warming up

TB: You know I think Mauer himself is resisting the urge to charge the mound...

SJ: Now that would add some excitement to this game

SS: ok, I'm going to try hard not to freak out. It's early, we can still get to Davies

RK: It is safe to say, Liriano does not have his best stuff tonight. Make me an ESPN analyst immediately!

SJ: Woo! The half of the inning is done!!

BOTTOM 3RD, ROYALS UP 4, THE HORROR, THE HORROR

TB: So now let's score 55 runs and then go home and have cake

SJ: Ice cream cake?

TB: Sure Cold Stone Cake

SJ: Even better

RK: Span eats Stone Cold cake. Granite frosted with iron filings

TB: So that's how he keeps his fucklion mane so thick and manly

RK: That fierce a chin strap at his age is no accident

SS: now this is analysis you can't get from ESPN

SJ: very true

TB: Nope...or any sort of Twins coverage for that matter

RK: Oh, my apologies, er, the Mets need Jerry Manuel to keep them loose, because THAT'S HOW YOU WIN BALLGAMES

TB: So was Gardy notified that Pinko is .185 against the Royals? Because if that's not a reason to put Brendan Harris in tonight, nothing is

SS: I've also heard it's useful to score more runs than your opponent, when looking to win a game

SJ: Yeah, I'm disappointed my boyfriend is not playing... Thats crazy talk Stacey

TB: Punto: These Royals pitchers and their crazy fastballs are just so baffling to me

SS: I demand more triples from IHOP

RK: Oh my god that was the dumbest question yet from carsoup.com

SJ: What was it?

SS: even dumber than the one from St. Cloud yesterday?

RK: "If there's a tie in the division, why would the game be played in Chicago?"

SS: because Minnesotans just didn't want it enough to have the game played there

SJ: We don't like our baseball here

SS: they could learn a thing or two from Sarah Palin

TB: Because head-to-head records apparently aren't decisive enough to determine who has the advantage

SJ: How did Bert answer?

SS: shit, Span? why do you have to be a bad boyfriend?

SJ: Because there is more Coors in Chicago?

RK: He answered correctly, and said something to the effect of your point, TB

TOP 4TH, SAME, DOOM - IMPENDING

SJ: At least your boyfriend is playing SS..

TB: They should play it in a neutral stadium, like Midway Stadium

SJ: Hell, they should just do it in Yankee Stadium

SS: apparently it's not being used

RK: Interestingly enough though, they're not starting demolition on it till 2010, so clearly they're hedging their bet about the new stadium being done on time

TB: "Oh...sorry...THIS is the last year of legendary Yankee Stadium!!! Come one, come all!!"

SJ: ahahahaha

SS: alright, Kiko, if Davies can strike out the side, you can too

SJ: aaaaand humber is back to warming up

TB: It's like those furniture companies that have three-year-long going out of business sales

SJ: there's one in the area here that I swear is going on 5 years...

RK: Hey, going out of business can be good for business

SJ: i should really stop in and see what they got

TB: They probably have like half a futon and a badly stained mattress

SS: everything must go!

SJ: Joseph Moses III is the contestant for something tonight....that is one hell of a name

RK: He has a beard, guaranteed

SJ: my thoughts exactly

SS: Bet he only wears sandals

SJ: and he's obviously catholic

TB: I bet he could part the Technicolor Sea or something

RK: Is one DP too much to ask?

SS: I love Vi, and I want the best for him, but I am so glad he just lined out. Kiko is "pitching on thin ice" according to the Royals radio guys

SJ: well, he is in MN and it is fall...

RK: That does explain a lot. "Y'know, there's two sides to the plate." Oh Bert. I love you

SJ: Just two?

RK: Are you questioning Bert?

SJ: QTF on that sequence?

TB: That was an unnecessarily immature game of pickle!

RK: The rundowns... not been good. EMH, email a screen name and join in!

SS: I can't help but get excited when there's a pickle, even when they don't end well. Probably seen Sandlot a few too many times.

RK: The Fox stole home!

SJ: who stole home?

RK: No one, just a line from the Sandlot

DK: it's the jet stole home

RK: Well there's the source of confusion

SJ: Yup

SS: Yeah yeah

SJ: nice work RK

RK: You, SJ, of all people should know better than to assume I know what I'm talking about

SJ: good point

DK: Rrrriiiing him up

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: How many pitches has the Davies had? I am ready for him to be done

SS: 55... OMG... 56

RK: Morneau needs to come up like a fuck lion right 'bout now

LK: Morneau is so due. Or deau. (If you're Canadian)

RK: I'm just glad Dick didn't say "Quickly 0-2" There is no other way to go 0-2 if not quickly

SS: I like the idea of the fuck lion, but feel that it doesn't come across quite as well from a woman

RK: Fair point, but every time I say I think of this and that's always a good thing

RK: Yes, OK a million people. Transcription is going to be the bees knees

LK: Morneau beats the relay? That's gotta be at least as rare as a blue moon.

SS: does anyone else ever think of circus music when they hear Callaspo's name?

RK: Small victories, I guess. Maybe next we can dare to dream of consecutive base hits?

DK: Shhh. RK, consecutive base hits...what will you think of next? 1-2-3 innings by the pitching staff?

SJ: I think I need to take another percocet. Such crazy ideas

TOP 5TH, SAME

TB: YAY BRENDAN HARRIS

SJ: boyfriend!

RK: That's the first time anybody has ever said that, TB! That's a fact! But I'm glad he's in there

RK: The Team-With-The-Racially-Insensitive-Name-That-Plays-Near-Lake-Erie has retaken the lead!

LK: I just love the footage they keep showing of Go-Go hula-hooping. Would rather we had new footage of IHOP triples, but whatever.

SJ: i like how dazzle just thinks that buscher is injured....yeah, it's called hitting into a dp in your only at bat

DK: My god..the Royals have learned how to hit for extra bases

TB: Brendan's entrance does nothing to prevent the continuance of Royal hittin'

RK: The only thing worth noting so far in this game is that Twins fan eating half a hamburger in front of the camera to the horror of his girlfriend

SS: the Royals broadcast had IHOP dancing in the dugout earlier, no hula hoop though

DK: ANGER SALAD

SS: FUCK YOU, BILLY BUTLER

TB: Ehhhhhhhhh *grumble grumble grumble*

DK: RK: odds of a strike?

LK: Aaarg!

TB: Wait- what is Liriano still doing in the game?!

SJ: So Gardy...you know how you just benched Buscher...maaaaaaaybe you should try benching Frankie -- Humber is up for the third time...and it's the charm for him! Line change!

LK: And now they're taking 'Cisco out. And I'm becoming more interested in watching the Cleveland game on Gameday.

RK: DK, well, I'll probably stick around. I mean, I'll just keep refreshing my caucasian and see what happens

TB: First pitch strike! Why wasn't Humber just the starter!

DK: well, I just got here, thus I don't want to see a strike, unless they come in triplets against Royal batters

LK: Garko with a grand slam!!!!

SS: Gordo, if you love me even a little bit, you will get out right now!

LK: Cleveland 9, Bitch Sox 4.

TB: HUMDINGER I LOVE YOU

DK: Clevelandia just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Garko

SJ: Ha!

SS: Hum, please pitch like you did at Rice. I hated you then, but now you're on my side

SJ: I like how the crowd cheered its loudest so far in this game when they updated the score of the Clevelandia game

TB: Holy hell, way to go buddy

DK: Humber K2

TB: "That's how you win Cy Youngs, baby!"

SJ: At least somebody is following their job description

DK: "Frankie, gimme the keys man!"

BOTTOM 5TH, ROYALS STILL UP A BUNCH

SS: lts g Dlmn!

LK: Brian Buscher is throwing up in the tunnel, that's why they put in Harris.

DK: THREE and 0...with Harris on deck

LK: I kinda felt like throwing up for a bit there during this game too.

DK: Dlmn wlks

TB: Ruh Roh

LK: It doesn't sound like they played "Cherry Pie" for Harris for this at-bat (as they so often do). I always laugh when they play "Cherry Pie" when he comes up.

DK: he looks so good makes a grown man cry. and in this case, it's the PA operator at the Dome

SS: the Royals radio guys were just hailing Davies for his command, good thing he's helping prove their point

SJ: So apparently there was a coaches only party in Gardy's office last night after the game...

DK: Beis on bols

TB: They knew better than to think it was over

RK: Must not have lasted too long, with Ullger sending everyone home no matter what

DK: well...at least it's a productive out

TB: That's like our Meteorology prof today..."Yeah, but it's a dry cold."

[there's a general, hard to transcribe sense of "QTF" going on here]

RK: He was out by 10 feet

DK: Dazzle fails at conveying any truthiness of close plays

SJ: That he does...I'm glad your listening in the future like me

DK: Span the fuck lion would have scored twice on that

SJ: Well then

RK: The uh... Bitch Sox are still losing? Right?

DK: Yes

TOP 6TH, WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH

RK: What's going on here tonight? Is this the work of Davies? Or did the boys relax a bit too much after the Sox sweep? Why is my eating the SAME DINNER as every other win this week not helping?

DK: RK - different team, different food required

LK: White Sox still losing 9-4. Six runs scored by Cleveland in the 5th, gotta love that.

SJ: Please tell me I don't have to go out and break my other leg to get a comeback tonight....It was a little much last night

SS: maybe you need to eat a Roayle with cheese, to signify our dominance over them

DK: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

LK: I just had a BTC (Bacon, Tomato, Cheddar) sandwich. Oh crapcakes. (Sandwich tasty, Twins not so much right now.)

SJ: Alright...who wants to break my other leg for me? If it's like last night, it gaurentees a Twins comeback..

DK: *grabs bat* this'll be the most contact anyone from Minnesota has made with anything with a bat all night

RK: SJ, I lived in Jersey a while. I know a guy can do it right

SJ: Alright...I got my painkillers and a bottle of whiskey...let's do this

RK: grumblecakes > crabcakes > crapcakes

SJ: dye hit a 2 runner...

DK: Rick Stelmaszek needs to walk up and down the 3rd base seats holding a sign. "WANTED: ANYONE WHO CAN KEEP ROYALS OFF BASES"

SS: I'm feeling the need for a Mijares milagro

DK: I'm feeling the need for 8 runs

RK: But we must touch Davies! Like Foucault's hand of the sovereign

SJ: I feel the need...the need for...ah fuck it, I just want some effort..

BOTTOM 6TH, LOVE IS OVER

DK: RUN FUCKLION RUN!!!

SJ: WELL DONE!

LK: I love triples!

SS: that's the triple I was looking for, boyfriend!

TB: OKAY

RK: There's a groove from 1st to 3rd. The Span groove

LK: Hits to the gap are awesome. And it's funny when the other team gives up on going after the ball.

SJ:: WE'RE ON THE BOARD!!! WOO!

TB: A muchly useful run, Casilla, but not so about that out thing.

LK: A productive out is better than just an out. But we really need more runs. And Joe definitely needs a hit.

SS: OMG! "The People's Choice" in the Twin Cities, according to Bob Davis

RK: Chairman Mao-er indeed!

SS: Indeed

RK: I would buy his little red book

LK: Crap

SJ: I would buy his... never mind

RK: Wait I see increasing numbers on the CWS ledger

TB: I am resisting the urge to throw things at the TV. My only holdback is the fact that it's my roommate's TV

RK: Save that for a wii remote. Then Nintendo will buy you a new teevee

LK: Justin needs to show some signs of life or at least of knowing how to not get out.

SS: Em Vee Pee, this is a very important time for you to make your case and get a hit

RK: One of those hits that goes 700 feet preferably plz

DK: Gordo, Dazzle, I don't need to hear about Harry Caray's drinking problems...there's a game on

SJ: All of this talk about booze on the radio is making me thirsty...

RK: That is brilliant

DK: SJ, you and me both

LK: What's the pitch count up to? Let's get to their bullpen already.

SJ: I like how they threw Ron Coomer's name in during the convo... I'm shocked Hrbek wasn't a part of it all

LK: We saw someone with a Coomer jersey at the game the other night. Husband said: "it's gotta be another Coomer." 'Cause really, who'd buy a Coomer jersey?

DK: Did we have a secret council meeting in the clubhouse today and say "Everyone try and backwards K tonight"?!?!??

TB: You missed the memo on the meeting? Tisk tisk..

DK: I thought that until I saw a Jeff Reboulet jersey, LK

RK: I saw someone at the Dome once with a homemade Coomer jersey. Trust

TB: Hey! I was there! At the First Avenue place thing! There! On the commercial!

LK: Hanson is playing First Avenue tonight. I kid you not.

DK: TB see if your roommate wants to go see that one too

TB: That's a much better ticket than the reason that I was there, mind you

LK: No, I don't know why I know that. I just do. Mmm-bop-hmm.

RK: Say what you will about Hanson, I thought the middle girl was hot. Imagine my shock.

TOP 7TH, WHATEVER

LK: Let's have a 1-2-3 inning, guys.

SS: LNP, you have a glove for a reason

RK: SS, Bert agrees with you

LK: I love it when Nicky tries to throw an imaginary ball to first.

LK: NO WAIT I HATE THAT

DK: gordo is pronouncing Humber like normal people pronounce "herb" (the seasoning, not the late radio broadcaster) Apparently the "H" is silent

SS: I have to say, I wish I was at the Dome right now, if only so I could shave that shit off Gordo's face

LK: Lots of Guardado jerseys at the Dome these days.

SS: the Royals announcers were confusing Eddie with Reyes. They are talking about how they should have had their binoculars so they could tell that Eddie is not sweating as much as Reyes would be

LK: I guess people pulled them out of the back of their closets.

RK: I have a Pierzynksi jersey in my closet if it ever comes to that. That's right, I'm not ashamed of it

SJ: Thats ok RK, we can't all be winners

LK: I have a Guzman jersey, I wore it when we played the Nats.

DK: ironically enough, BOOOF is wearing Mr. Owl's number

LK: Formerly Al Newman's number. Well, when he played.

RK: AJ was my boy when he was with the club. The end

DK: suddenly I get why he picked 62 for his epilepsy stint as our 3B Coach

LK: 'Cause AJ had his number.

DK: Deficit re-expanded

LK: Gah!

SS: what the fuck just happened?

DK: a Royal completed the 360 foot sprint, passed go, collected 1 run and $200

SJ: "they have the runner tied up between 1st, 3rd, 2nd and 3rd"...I totally see it Gordo, such great radio commentary today

SS: Billy Butler is a slower runner than Prince Fielder. that should not have happened

LK: Gutierrez is up with bases loaded for Cleveland. 2 outs.

RK: Finally, some good news!

LK: Dear Cleveland, Another grand slam would be lovely. Thanks, The Twins

DK: hahahaha Bitch Sox radio announcers pleading for Brian Anderson to "show them the ball" from Garko's Salami

SJ: haha...that was great...i loved the "unbelievable" at the end

LK: White Sox putting in a new pitcher: Ehren Wassermann. EHREN. Such a name.

SS: DP! Finally!

BOTTOM OF THE 7TH, KCR UP THIS MANY

LK: And folks at the Dome go wild (not just the ones with Eddie jerseys) And Wasserman throws four balls in a row to walk in a run. Awesome. Cleveland 10, Bitch Sox 6.

SJ: No more Davies! There is a God

SS: Kubey, show me your MViceP potential

SJ: I'll take a baser...

SS: yes! we should be able to knock Nunez around the park

RK: Need some runners

SS: 3-0 count on Dlmn, how often does that happen?

RK: Dick: "Depth perception, so critical in this game"

SS: nice work by your boyfriend, SJ

RK: Now for some PUNTO POWER

SS: oy, this is certainly not going as planned

RK: Alright then... go Clevelandia!

TOP 8TH, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW TV ON THE RADIO ALBUM YET?

SS: are we all losing steam, just like the team?

RK: Well, I'm drunk

SS: Excellent

RK: And on only one caucasian. OK 8 RUN RALLY GUYS CMON FOR REALZ

BOTTOM 8TH, I HAVE BEEN TO COTTON EYE JOE

WV: Wow, well. Fine. Maybe we should blog the Indians-White Sox instead, that's closer.

RK: I forgot to eat sleeping pills with this vodka

LK: Gobble gobble gobble. (It's obligatory, you know)

RK: Well ain't that just the berries

SS: ugh, the Royals radio guys are going on and on about how this will be 7 straight road wins for the team

RK: Let us hope not!

LK: Clevelandia scores another run on a wild pitch to Choo.

RK: I choo-choo-choose Clevelandia to win this game

LK: 11-6 Cleveland over the oh so bitchy sox.

SS: OMG, lets keep that average up by getting another hit

LK: Joe-Ma needs a hit.

TOP 9TH, THIS IS NOT A BASEBALL GAME

LK: Wow, the crowd at the Dome is really thinning out. Or else everyone just suddenly needed a Dome Dog.

RK: Probably that

LK: Man, I'm really gonna miss Dick & Bert during the offseason. Dick's innocent questions. Bert's completely inappropriate answers.

RK: The offseason is a cold, lonely time

TB: Yes, well for those of us with FSN at least Anthony LaPlanta will still do our high school hockey matchups

TB: Wonder if Telly Hughes would be his color commentator

LK: I spied Ron Johnson on the Big Ten Network the other day.

LK: Maybe Korecky should've started the game. Or come in right quick.

BOTTOM OF THE 9TH, GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

SS: I don't want to give up on the team, but I'm glad that the end is near

LK: 'Course if we can't score more than a single run against the freaking Royals, it doesn't matter

LK: WTF Justin? Good grief.

RK: Let's just... get this over with

SS: as it is, we might as well conserve energy for tomorrow

LK: I still have last night's game on my TiVo, may need to watch end of it as palate cleanser.

RK: Gardy will say "hey guys, we still gotta win some games. so go battle your tails off. ruff"

SS: and then he will kick some dirt at their feet

LK: Bert: "It always comes down to pitching." Of course you'd say that Bert

RK: Sweet mercy

SS: pitching...and hitting, and defense, and sometimes coaching

All Your Bases Are Belong To Us

2008-09-25T19:59:00.024-04:00

PREGAME

Hooray old-ass internet memes! Seriously though, the Twins have been leaving a lot of men on the bases, they could claim ownership of them. But they need to remember that they're merely supposed to spend a little time on them, and then go home!

I'm foaming at the mouth, champing (that's right, champing, not chomping - look it up) at the bit, fidgeting at the quick, and making shit up - let's go!

TOP 1ST

DK: Dude, just saw a guy in a Radke jersey. My day is complete

TB: I see Slowey does not believe in the superstition...blue uniforms tonight.

DK: Slowey using Gilette Fusion to shave the corner tonight. That and giving to his outfielders equally

BOTTOM 1ST

TB: Cabrera doesn't quite have the Span for that. Bahahaha

DK: New drinking game. Take a drink every time Bert (or Dick) says the word "utilize"

DK: Mauer's due

TB: Not until the 7th inning, at least

DK: Having pitched to Mauer, it should be no surprise to me that he takes a strike and then hits one a million feet...

RK: Bert is prescient, noting Griffey is not playing Mauer well enough in Center. As much as we enjoy his off the cuff remarks, it's good to remember occasionally this dude knows baseball

TB: Quite true.

DK: Translation: Griffey is geriatric

RK: Hahaha, Bert on Griffey: "As good a center fielder as he was..."

TOP 2ND, CWS 0 MIN 1

TB: In the spirit of smart pitchers - Apparently Slowey did a 1420 on his SATs and went to Winthrop. That and he can hit the strike zone like nobody's business

RK: Psh, Big dea. Craig Breslow went to YALE. In case you didn't know. Because he did. Go to Yale.

TB: I think that was mentioned yesterday, in fact

RK: Well I'll be

TB: I wonder if they get together on Saturdays and have tea and talk about the last Stephen Hawking novel

RK: Or that collider thing in Europe that's going to envelope the Earth in a black hole and end reality

TB: Oh yeah, that

DK: QTF, ump

RK: Dick: Scott Baker did a great job two nights ago, Nick Blackburn... held his own

DK: Dick's having a Slowgasm

RK: How tantric

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

TB: News flash - Fox finds replacement for Yankee game

RK: Wow, I bet that's never happened before.

TB: Although apparently Bert is joining them for the game. Twins and Royals. Good deal for the Royals. In other news, Buscher strikes out swinging

DK: Time for a CarGo bunt double

RK: Jim H, none of us are watching the Hawk, but he's either still bitching about Gomez at second or telling J-Dye, his "buddy" that he needs a double

DK: How come Punto never steals anymore?

RK: Good question. I suppose with 2 outs, he's waiting to see where the AB goes? Maybe?

TB: I mean, he's so used to sliding headfirst anyway

RK: But only into first

TB: F7

RK: oooook. Laurel, I'll check it out! If you want to join the liveblog here, we'd be happy to have you

TOP 3RD, SAME

TB: Yay Slowey

RK: Slowey gin fizz, I'm falling in love

TB: I'm Kevin Slowey, and I approve this strikeout

TB: Why, Mr. Owl!

RK: Owls are assholes

DK: Can't Morneau just cross-check AJ?

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

SS: OMG it's nice to see the Twins with a lead... and with OMG up to bat

RK: Boy, at least this ump is not calling the inside half of the plate consistently. I keep hearing about how Mauer just jacks homer after homer in BP. I'd like to see one right about now. But I'll take that.

SS: or, barring that, I'd settle for a single

TB: 'twould be nice, it would also make the Dome explode from the squeals of women

RK: But let's be honest, the squealing happens when he takes off his catcher's mask

SS: did Ron Coomer and John Kruk get separated at birth?

RK: Yeah, now Mauer's in your head, Gavin! Morneau leads the AL in RBI and RNBI. Not to harp on it

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: Kevin Slowey, I'm gonna buy you a pizza

RK: Never mind

SS: shit. Is Slowey operating on some sort of reverse psychology program or something?
just too shy to accept praise for his pitching ability? Because I can be mean to him if that's what will work

RK: That kind of attitude goes over really well in the upper midwest. Totes the next coming of Radke. Sweet Evil Jesus

SS: damnit, GoGo, get away from my boyfriend

RK: Slowey will buckle down here. He will. I must believe this

WV: I think Coomer's right about the noise but let's be clear: There were never 45,000 fans at any of the games he played in at the Dome.

RK: Pat Mears wasn't that big of a draw, it's true

WV: Maybe on Scott Stahoviak bobblehead night.

RK: Damn blast hell spite bile and acrimony

SS: can we get one of the ear bud things for Slowey like newscasters wear, so that he can have Bert giving him advice from the booth? that wouldn't be cheating, would it?

TB: They should work out hand signals

DK: argh...anger salad. I step away to take a phone call and all hell and damnation breaks loose

RK: There is a chasm opening in front of me

SS: this is where I start to get worried about what I'm doing wrong to bring about this chain of event

DK: I was talking to my former boss, which I think brought on bad karma

RK: I still believe in the karmic power of the baseball gods, who will punish Ozzie for whining about Blackburn not pitching well last night

DK: I don't know whether to be chuckling that it hit him, or mad at Slowey for loading the bases

SS: hmm, if it was anyone other than AJ, I'd say the latter

TB: Criminy, this inning is still going?

DK: ANGER SALAD

SS: oh shit, the future does not look good

WV: He's either hurt or bawling about literally throwing away the post-season.

TB: No bueno, no bueno

SS: ok, how can we fix this, folks? I still have faith in them, but obviously I have pissed of the baseball gods in some way

RK: I... I'm rarely speechless. Yet. I... oh dear.

TB: Well this really conflicts with my interest in Care Bears

SS: as long as you still believe in Scooby Doo, as Shaggy is now pitching for us

TB: Zoinks!

RK: I can't get over that because of Gomer and Span running into each other, the Bitch Sox score 5 runs and Slowey leaves hurt. That, my friends, is the butterfly effect

BOTTOM 4TH, WHITE SOX UP 5, LOVE IS OVER

WV: Most of this year they've made us forget that they're a young team, unfortunately a bout of immaturity precipitated this melt down.

SS: wow, a stupid question from soneone in St. Cloud? I don't believe it

DK: for those of us who are minus FSN, what was it?

DK: "Right Wrist Contusion" for Slow Ride, sez the medical expertz

SS: "what are the different scenarios for the Twins concerning the post season"

RK: Yeah, I can answer that: win or you're done

WV: Haha, that's a ridiculous question.

WV: *I guess* there's plenty of time to mount a comeback. Heat of the moment, I became quite the cynic.

DK: I hope. signs you're hopeless: "Punto has been the Twin's everyday shortstop for basically the last month"

SS: haha "sweet nothings." how risque, Bert

DK: RALLY!

RK: I hope Gomer swings out of his shoes

DK: Gomez went XXXtra bases

RK: Talk about risque!

WV: The real crime of the evening is that all of Slow Ride's runs are earned since they didn't give Span an error. Floyd thinks to himself, "I can't wait to be the next Joe Blanton"

DK: well we have this going for us: Twins are 1-0 when their starter leaves due to bodily harm from a line drive this season

RK: Oooh, a little anxious there, huh D'Nard?

SS: come on, boyfriend Span! keep this inning rolling

DK: FAAAAAAAIR BALL!!!!

RK: Oh I'm feeling this. Did I just inadvertently reference a Sum 41 song?

TB: And the legend lives on.

DK: i think it was Blink-182...

WV: RAGNAROK

RK: DK, same thing, right?

DK: Pretty much

WV: Speaking of Blink, Span sprinted to 2nd like his pants were on fire.

WV: Too soon?

DK: Little bit

SS: even though it was only a double, that was worthy of the Homer Hanky

RK: No such thing as too soon, my friend

DK: OK inching back

TOP 5TH, TWINS DOWN ONLY 3, LOVE IS REVIVED?

WV: Our much maligned bullpen will have to come through again.

RK: How many pitches has Gavin Rossdale thrown? Just curious

RK: Well balls.

[nobody is saying anything because we're all in such rapt anticiptation. Or getting various kinds of antacids]

DK: Strikes, Shaggy. Strikes.

RK: Hahaha, Gardy's stomping around the dugout. I feel you, buddy

WV: Gavin: 75 pitches. I just read something about Cliff Lee skipping his start against the Bitch Sox. What gives?

DK: Sandcastle crumbling on us here...

RK: At... least he... got... one?

DK: That was a tailor-made double play until it hit the bargain rack at Kohl's...

RK: This game is giving me a headache

SS: let's hope Moons Over My-Hammie can get it done for us

DK: Y'know, we have Perkins, we have Dennys, can we name GoGo IHOP considering that's what he does every time he throws one into the infield ?

RK: That's a really good point

DK: WHIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

WV: With Moons over Mijares emerging, I wonder if they'll let Reyes walk this offseason.

RK: Don't fret, Griffey, you still have your Social Security check coming this month

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

WV: If the score were 3-0 right now, I wouldn't feel desperation, so that's how I'm going to think about it.

RK: Yeah, just push it out of your mind that, at worst, the score should be 3-2

RK: I'm gonna give Telly 100 lottery tickets if he can say a single sentence without botching it

RK: OK Justin, act the MVP

WV: That...was the pitch.

RK: I need to go get a mouthguard so I don't break my teeth grinding them

DK: J-Dye FAIL

SS: it's ok, Em Vee Pee. We could certainly use your help, but we can do it without you, too

DK: OK, so two on base

DK: Dare I say I smell a Three-Run-Jack from Thr Rn Jck?

RK: If it's going to happen, it'll happen on the first pitch

SS: can Mournie and Kubey run as a ticket for MVP?

RK: Yeah, they're very yin and yang, aren't they?

DK: Dlmn swngs t th frst ptch

SS: Kubey can be MViceP. I guarantee he'd be able to beat Sarah Palin in a debate

TB: I thought runner-up was reserved for all of the schmucks that vote for A-Rod every year

RK: If this is what Dlmn's going to look like under pressure...

DK: Dmn t Dlmn

RK: Don't worry, there are RISP, BBuscher will get a double

WV: How iconic of Dlmon's season.

RK: He's just too damn excitable

DK: Aargh, warning track power from Buscher

TOP 6TH, SAME

DK: Boof, repeat after me...shutout ball

TB: Call strikes, you idiot!

DK: whew

WV: It's Boof's audition to sign a minor league contract somewhere, maybe even with us.

DK: pitcher gets hit, infielder throws wild...same sequence, different outcome

WV: If only Slowey were padded with Flubber.......

RK: The old 1-5-3 putout

SS: this is obviously a sign we need to fatten up the rest of the pitchers that haven't done so themselves

RK: Yeah, take note Tim Lincecum, it's only a matter of time until someone hits you and explodes you to pieces

DK: Tim Lincecum is the man. proof that a midget can throw 98

RK: Too bad we couldn't have traded a backup catcher for him

DK: somewhere, Brian Sabean is sitting cackling "Fool me once, shame on you..."

RK: "Fool me twice and oh yeah I'm Brian Sabean"

WV: And J.P. Riccardi is saying, "Why didn't I trade Alex Rios for Lincecum last season! And, God I hate Adam Dunn."

RK: Dick needs to tighten up his terminology. I assume a "popped up" means it's catchable. If he said "fouled back" I wouldn't feel disappointed when it goes out of play

DK: And Bill Smith is saying "Damn trade deadline why must you sneak up on me so fast!"

TB: AAHH

WV: Any thoughts on Uribe's facial hair?

DK: Boof: Here's what I think of your blonde soul patch, bitch!

SS: I was just thinking about what vile thing I could compare it to, WV

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

SS: I still think it looks like they tried to dye their hair with Country Time, like how my friends and I attempted to dye our hair with Kool-Aid when we were younger

WV: Haha, that's classic. Now, if we called Uribe Country Time from here on out, you'd see first hand how our nonsensical nicknames for people are created.

DK: W00t, Triple times 2 for Gomez

SS: Hippety Hop, iHop!

TB: But he can't do it alone

RK: The Stone Cold Killer will come through

WV: I hope these are signs of progress, if he could pick it up next year, the top of our lineup would be ridiculous.

SS: my boyfriend needs a homer to help IHOP finish his cycle

RK: This has to be Floyd's last inning too. I'd love for the boys to get into the Bitch Sox pen

DK: ok, within 2, productive out by D'Nard. Mauer Pauer would be OMG here

DK: BRING ON MATT THORNTON!

RK: Hell yes, like a Beck song, Casilla's beat is correct

TB: Bwahahaha, we knocked Gavin out

RK: laurel, that's why I offered, it's a bet I can't lose! Telly saying a sentence intact is about as likely as a Tyner home run!

SS: I'm turnin' it on, I'm workin' my legs

RK: I hope OMG's beat is correct

WV: This is RAGNAROK running its course

DK: 3-3 for OMG. 4-4 with a HR would be awesome sauce

DK: Or a 4-6-3. With 2 outs

TB: JYNXED IT

TOP 7, TWINS DOWN 2

RK: There's an umpire camp going on in Compton? WV and I once wandered into Compton, and unless shit's really changed in the last 8 years, I would not recommend this

SS: alright, Crainadian, lock this down like you don't want your bike stolen

DK: is he wearing the Kryptonite lock?

WV: Compton didn't seem to be too high on figures of authority, so umpiring would seem to be a bad line of work.

TB: Maybe that's where this guy went to learn

RK: WV and I have jointly experienced some of the seediest cities in our fair country. Compton, Detroit, Newark. Coincidence? Well yes, actually

TB: Gary, Indiana?

WV: Oh yeah, and Moorhead. That's right, I went there

RK: It's a beautiful day for a double play

RK: Hey, it's Craig Breslow! He went to Yale, I think. Can someone confirm this?

TB: I concur

SS: I may have heard, once, that was the case

TB: To wikipedia I go

DK: yaargh...they're letting Crainadian pitch to Thome?

RK: I like that better than Guadardo, not gonna lie

WV: That complaint about pitching to Thome was prescient.

RK: Now just get Konerko, or as Hawk would call him, Paulie. Because they play basketball on the weekend and stuff

TB: Breslow was captain of the Yale University baseball team. Wikipedia says it, it's true.

RK: Was he a Bonesman?

WV: Stealing 3rd? That's what we do!

TB: Does not say, RK

SS: Course not. It's a secret

WV: I think Ozzie's rant on Blackburn could be equally applied to Floyd tonight, but..that probably won't happen.

SS: maybe Crain's necklace is some oversized version of something a kid would make at summercamp as an arts and crafts project

WV: I think that's spot on.

DK: *mentally strangles Mike Reilly*

WV: Or some hippy dippy crap a junkie would sell on Haight St. in front of my apartment.

TB: C'mon Crain

WV: "Why, yes, I do also sell incense."

RK: Beauty, eh?

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

WV: Woohoo! WaMu just failed. Thank goodness for baseball.

SS: Woo Cuddy! sad, I didn't even have time to say how I wanted him to get a hit

WV: I thought to myself, "not likely that Cuddy will beat this one out..."

RK: THE SYSTEM IS DOWN Dlmn did not swing at first pitch! THE SYSTEM IS DOWN

TB: Ohhh...the system. Wiight.

WV: If tradition holds, he'll hit a meaningless 2-out single to maintain his average.

TB: No, that looked about right

TOP 8TH, SAME

WV: It's funny, albeit stereotypical, that many of the wannabe umps have pot bellies.

RK: There's no baseball equivalent to Dick Bavetta. Or Ed Hochuli. Well, except some umps do make shitty calls

TB: Hard to argue with that guy and his guns, though

SS: Mournie's pretty good at reading off cue cards. I think he has a future in CTV after his career is over

RK: The Bratz doll is up... and out

TB: Damn right he went

RK: I feel like... Gardy's going to do something... unconventional in the next inning. Like lift Punto for Neverhit or something kinda ridics

DK: AJ lacks Breslow's Ivy League charisma

TB: AJ lacks preschool charisma, DK. And what the heck is that banging noise.

DK: WHIFFFFFFF. That's right, AJ. Sit down, bitch

TB: Now then

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

TB: So apparently the local business commercials in Grand Forks are as bad as they were in Rochester. Terrible acting, terrible editing, terrible writing. And there's another o-- nope, that's Telly

DK: Grand Forks is just Rochester with fewer people and more airplanes... Harris, Punto, GoGo...I bet that strikes fear into Matt Thornton

TB: HARRIS

DK: Way to spite me, Harris

TB: Harris wins back my official status of favorite player

WV: Projectiles shot at your head? Now that they teach in Compton.

TB: Fuck, well that's a sacrifice anyway

DK: Jenks coming on

SS: triple triple!

RK: The boys need to hit this guy hard. This move by Ozzie reeks of desperation, and surely the boys can smell that

DK: GO GO GO GO GO

TB: YEEEEEAH

DK: well, clearly Jenks has no control tonight

SS: let's play a game of who can hit the ball furthest

RK: The urge to give in to short-range RAGNAROK is strong, but soft! I must resist

DK: RAGNAROK!!!! Triples Galore!

TB: Squeeze play DO IT

RK: THIS TEAM IS FULL OF FUCK LIONS

SS: I love when the future has good news! and I love my boyfriend!

TB: Naaa, no good on the squeeze. Just hit the ball far

SS: Damn Lexi

TB: Argh

DK: Clutch situation for OMG

TB: Clutch situation for Jenks

DK: aaand Guillen out to discuss strategery

TB: Mauer O Morneau?

DK: Walk 'em both to get to Cuddy

TB: See ball. Hit ball.

RK: How can OMG keep his cool like this?

DK: Mauer...these groundout antics to the right side annoy me

RK: Oh, if only the squeeze play would have worked

TOP 9TH, TIED AT 6

DK: speaking of crap facial hair, a Nick Swisher sighting

TB: Lots of twitching to be had

DK: OMG don't do this to me...

WV: Now Span--he sports Fucklion facial hair

TB: and Fucklion clutchiness

DK: TB, what's the official algorithm for Nathan and baserunners in a non-save sit?

TB: 1-2-3 and away. Though it's mostly unproven

RK: Dick, shut your mouth about Swishers home runs vs. the MNTwins this year

TB: come ON

DK: apparently talk radio 1310 KNOX in Grand Forks is employee owned and operated

RK: Workers of Grand Forks Unite!

DK: y'know, Gordo's emphatic "SWIIIING and miss!" will never get old. beats the crap out of "He gone!" anyday...

WV: His manner of turning "swing" into a diphthong should be trademarked.

DK: speaking of strikeouts

TB: Sit your ass down

RK: Hahaha, Alfonso Marquez threw his hands up because the bitch wouldn't go sit down

DK: dos outs

TB: TWO

SS: that was brilliant. Even Marquez knows Swishie is an asshole

DK: that's his name, SS...Asshole. Major Asshole.

TB: Whiff. Picked a helluva a game to say "I have an exam tomorrow", DK

DK: don't remind me...I'm attempting to study as we speak. Goddamn academia in the midst of RAGNAROK

RK: Glad WV and I dragged you all into it too

DK: Cargo has to the the MVP of this game. IHOP iDive

BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED

RK: Morneau, c'mere a sec. I know we've been ragging on you here. But you've been coming up small. If you hit one out the park, it's all forgotten, and even Peter King will vote for you on that MVP ballot. Now get out there.

DK: and frankly, hitting the walk-off to reclaim first place would be dead sexy... le sigh

RK: Cuddy can still do it

DK: Cuddy has to get a hit sometime...right?

TB: *Ahem*

DK: QTF is up with this strike zone, Mike Reilly?

TB: At the ankles is not a strike, ump

RK: Well shit

SS: thanks for nothing, Cuddles

DK: El bonus beisbol

RK: Ugh

TOP 10TH, SAME

RK: I feel like we're pressing our bullpen luck here. Especially with the CWS big guys coming up. Here's to hoping

DK: sit down J-Dye. Quit your bitching

RK: The umping has been consistently bad, pal

RK: Range for days: Nick Punto

SS: Pinko is like "look at the lengths I will go to to help this team win"

RK: Thank you for swinging Paulie

TB: Harris, Punto, Gomez

RK: angryscott, WV and I are from Fargo, so we take jabs at GF, sure. And laurel... word.

SS: all that waving of the arms by IHOP and he still almost gets run into by Span.

BOTTOM 10TH, SAME

SS: seriously, knock Jenks all around the park and tell him to sit down

RK: Pitching from the stretch would do wonders for our chances here

TB: THREEEE and OH

DK: with Gomez on deck

SS: a magical night at the Dome should at least involve Cuddy and a deck of cards, Dick

RK: OK, just need a single from D'Nard

SS: alright, boyfriend, make my night!

DK: w00t - bounce another one and let's go home!

DK: FIRST PLACE BITCHES!

RK: bounce another one and let's go home!

DK: EFFING RAGNAROK

SS: Hooray!

TB: SANDCASTLE FTW!

SS: Thank you, Lexi!

RK: I'M GONNA GO RUN THROUGH A BRICK WALL

DK: MY HEAD A'SPLODE

POSTGAME

SS: I love when major leaguers act like little leaguers!

RK: Can anybody understand Cargo right now?

SS: translation: YAY!

RK: God damn I feel good. I should be ashamed how much my mental well-being is tied to the fate of this team

TB: myself as well

DK: Yeah, no kidding

SS: luckily you have us likeminded folk to keep you company.

DK: thankfully it's not to emo levels, else I would have been cutting myself during the assbullpen month of August

RK: And now, I can speak for everybody, Go Tribe!

TB: Sandcastle, I'm sorry I doubted you.

6 Solid Innings

2008-09-24T20:01:00.018-04:00

PREGAME

Bert thinks the dread pirate Blackburn will go 6 strong innings. Here's hoping to more!

Dick tries to build suspense by making us wonder if Kubel will be in the lineup today. Kind of a no-brainer, but hey, one quick look at gameday says he is indeed in. Awesome.

I'm kinda dragging a little bit tonight, folks. I ordinarily don't like to drink caffeine at night, because I am how you say old. But perhaps this is worth it. Then again, just thinking of the possibilities of getting to Mark Buerlehhserrueuerhle (1-2 5+ ERA vs. MNTWINS) get my motor going.

So to speak.

Once again, if you want to participate, email me. If you already emailed me, you know my AIM screen name. Let's both rock AND roll!

TOP 1ST

Hehehehe, they showed the AJ "Mr Owl!" Pierzynski clip. Heeheehee

RK: Not the most auspicious start for the dread pirate Blackburn

SS: Aaargh

RK: I can haz dbl play?... God I love being right.

SS: he's just lowering the bar a bit so that when he pitches 6 shut out innings it will be even more masterful

RK: Yeah, he'll get better as he settles down from the excitement of the big start. Exactly. And that's how it's done

SS: I think it's ironic that his last start was on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

RK: You're a font of knowledge. It's things like that I wish I had known

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: I feel good feelings here. Take notes, Cargo, that's what a leadoff man does

SS: I know it's late in the season, but I'm officially naming Span my back-up boyfriend. I've had a boyfriend void since Neshie got hurt.

RK: The Stone Cold Killer is a good choice. Hell yes little Sandcastle

SS: damn straight the Bitch Sox aren't as fast as we are, Bert. They should change their name to the Lead Sox

RK: The Chinese Toy Factory Sox!

SS: ha, now I'm imagining Nick Swisher chained to a table putting stuffing into Tickle Me Elmo dolls

RK: Em Vee Pee needs to go to work... Errrr, ok

SS: wow, your feed is way ahead of mine

RK: Yes, I can inform you from THE FUTURE

RK: This joke is already really stale, which just proves its truth: Delmon Young swings at the first pitch. Blows my mind

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP 1

RK: Uh, that pitch to Thome was a strike in any way, shape, and form

SS: this is just setting up another shot at a DP

RK: I look at that little red dot on second base, and I seethe. He should not be there

SS: scoreboard alert: KC is up 9-0 on Detroit! If I want only two things from this division, it's for the Twins to win it, and for the Royals not to be in last place.

RK: I agree. I'm totes rooting for the Royale with Cheeses until Friday. Also, that should have been the third out, instead the game is tied. Stupid umpire. Who is that behind the plate? Bad call, Alfonso Marquez

SS: grr, at least there are two outs now

RK: Gaaaah none of this should be happening!

SS: deep breaths, everybody stay calm.

RK: Bert mentioned the sideburns! I'm not the only one who sees the similarities between Mauer and Bburn! GAAAAAH

SS: Sideburn's aren't quite as nice though

RK: Oh thank the baseball gods

SS: I love me some reassurance from the future

RK: It's brilliant, isn't it? I'm almost jealous

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED AT 1

RK: Holy shit, Ron Coomer is wearing a tie; this is surely an important game

SS: what, no Telly? wow, now my feed is jumping forward in time. How did Harris get on base?

RK: Infield hit

SS: sweet. I always wonder why announcers are so reverent about players who like to get dirty. isn't that one of the main points of the game?

RK: Right, I mean like, is there anybody who won't slide? It's not like they do their own laundry

SS: I slid every chance I had when I played softball--whether I needed to or not

RK: Your boyfriend comes through! And Pinko chug-chug-chugs home

SS: Yay! Span reminds me of someone. I'm thinking the Daily Show's Wyatt Cenac but I'm not sure.

RK: That's not bad! Oh Ozzie, bitch bitch

RK: This game is unfolding more or less beautifully. Like a piece of art ushering in the aesthetic dimension, I am liberated from the fetid reality of my everyday life

SS: Word

RK: Marcuse would be pissed that I appropriate that idea to a baseball game. But whatever, he's dead... He's going to walk Mauer! Or let him drive in another run!

SS: has anyone ever seen Joe stressed or worried? I swear he must be the calmest person I've ever seen

RK: We do have some cool cats, to be sure. 3-1 lead after 2? I'll take that

TOP 3RD, CWS 1 MIN 3

SS: whew, I'm starting to calm down a little myself. this has been quite the game so far

RK: Right, and you think "boy, too bad they didn't get more off of him," but damn, we are absolutely getting to Buerhle tonight

SS: yeah, I would have liked a lot of runs, but a few is better than none.

RK: Absolutely. If Bburn can settle down a little bit, which he should because THE POWER OF SIDEBURNS COMPELS YOU

RK: Harris Teeter with a Web Gem! Y'all have Harris Teeters out there in HuskerNation?

SS: no, no idea what that is

RK: It's a pretty sweet grocery store chain. I was going to roadtrip to Lincoln this weekend for the big game and to see my parents, but alas, my responsibilities keep me tethered here

SS: oh yes, how could I have forgotten for 1 second about the big game. Too bad you couldn't come, I could have showed you around town

RK: More than my party people parents! I think not! ok probably last time we were in Lincoln we went to the zoo

SS: Zoo Bar?

RK: Nope, the children's zoo. Fun times with the neice

RK: Sure you don't want to call that a ball blue? I mean, last time you did, oh, oh, Thome voluntarily sat down because he is a bitch

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Oh, Telly is here, stumbling through his lines

SS: I see. well, next time you're in town let me know and I'll take you to the other Zoo. It's our live blues bar.

SS: do we have Marny too, just to round out the cast?

RK: No word, but wait until the lottery ticket giveaway

RK: COREY KOSKIE IN THE BOOTH?! I may have squealed when I heard that

SS: woo! maybe they can find Dougie somewhere and I'll really feel like I'm in college again

RK: You know what would do it for me? Guys like Rick Reed, Matt Lawton, and oh, what the hell, Tony Fiore

RK: Surprise bunt from Punto DO IT

SS: I'm so jealous of the people there watching the game right now. I saw the Twins play twice this season, neither on in MN

RK: I only got to watch the Nationals, which is... not fun

SS: the last game I saw was the Twins in Seattle, the one where we let them score 10 runs in one inning. talk about not fun

RK: Well... at least Cargo turned the lineup over... for the next inning

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: Corey's looking pretty good. He said "out" and it was all Canadian and cute

SS: this is enjoyable. I miss Koskie

RK: At what point do the Bitch Sox publicly say they regret trading for Griffey? After the season?

SS: My token Bitch Sox fan friend has stated his disapproval on facebook, so it can't be long now

RK: I spoke too soon

SS: ugh

RK: Oh, I was kinda hoping for the Blackburn of June tonight

RK: Oh good lord what is happening not again not again not again

DK: I see we be winning

SS: For the time being

RK: Not for much longer!

SS: Boof looks like he's putting weight back on

RK: Good, he was effective when he was fat

SS: Reyes must be sharing some of the KFC with him

RK: Not a very good rundown there, Gardy is displeased

SS: Pickle!

DK: Oh well, Nikolai pitches out of it

RK: Wow, we have 2 futures going on here. DK is in the realtime future, and SS's game feed is lagging behind mine and seriously, there's a baseball tesseract going on here

BOTTOM 4TH, BITCH SOX 2 MNTWINS 3

DK: RK, you're just not thinking 4th dimensionally!

SS: wow, that guy is lucky he did not catch the ball, otherwise the fans around him would have murdered him

RK: There's an ant on a string and a unicorn, and all Charles Wallace can taste is sand. That's all I know. Yes, Twins fans need to know better

SS: does this mean the DK is in the distant future? are robotic beings ruling the world?

RK: THE YEAR 2000

DK: no robotic beings

SS: good, so the humans are not dead

DK: North Dakota doesn't have any robots...not since Travis Hafner left

RK: Or... since I left?

DK: that works too

SS: If only KK could send us texts from the game. That would blow our minds

RK: We would indeed have all angles covered

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: I was kinda hoping this would be the inning that the boys shut Buerhle's motherboarding system down

SS: as long as Sideburn continues to do the Robo-boogie, we'll be cool

RK: Homer Blanky? WANT

SS: ooh! though that looked homemade. must find someone who can knit.

RK: Damn blast hell and spite

TB: Booyah. More awesome sauce poured on by the Twins defense

DK: I can has dbl play? kthxbai!

RK: I love the future

SS: "bases empty for Thome" is music to my ears

RK: Like Samuel Adams, bases empty for Thome is always a good decision

TB: There are more standing ovations this week than there are at the State of the Union...at least...the ones I've seen lately.

RK: Dread Pirate Blackburn, you're killing me here

SS: if you're going to walk him, why don't you just hit him and save the pitch count

DK: no kidding

TB: Now that wouldn't be very nice

RK: Well it's his last inning, right?

DK: in fact, hit him - we still haven't gotten revenge for that whole bat to Global Warming's head incident last year

RK: Hm, good point

DK: Nikolai in line for the win

TB: And Blackburn makes another jam walk the plank

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

SS: whew, so far so good

RK: I could use a couple of insurance runs for my peace of mind though

DK: ever wonder what would happen if umps could just tap catchers on the shoulder when they try and frame pitches? "I'm not calling it...you can throw it back now..."

RK: I can tell you from my experience umping, I just gently say "throw it back"

DK: I can tell you from my experience umping, passed balls that hit your feet hurt *glares at TB*

TB: Hey now. Control is not part of the equation when it comes to 8th grade pitching

RK: I feel like old wounds are being opened. That's good

TB: To be honest I don't even remember anything of the sort. I was young and restless and a very bad pitcher.

RK: This strike zone is more shape-shifting than Rebecca Romijn in an X-Men film

DK: sounds like Mark Buerhle

SS: Bert is obviously answering the AFLAC trivia in a time delay, too

RK: Guarantees 100% accuracy

DK: death by 6-4-3

TB: At least it won't inflate the LOB totals

DK: Delmon 2-3 I love how our outfielders wait till the last week to start hitting (see Gomez, Carlos)

TB: Gd by Dlmn

TB: Note to Gardy: Harris hits like Pinko if you make him play twice a month.

RK: Well that's not going to do it. I don't like 1-run leads

DK: hark! a newcomer

RK: Yeah, it's like when a new challenger comes in when you're playing Street Fighter II on your Sega Genesis

SS: SJ!

SJ: Hey hey

SS: What dimension are you experiencing the game in tonight?

SJ: Old school radio

DK: You and me both, SJ

SJ: i feel like i'm using a sega genesis right now for a computer

TB: That wouldn't be all bad

SJ: ooo -- breslow pitching

RK: He went to Yale, did you know that? I bet it get mentioned in the next five minutes

SS: was just about to say something similar, RK

RK: And he has a degree in biochemical engineering, so if the baseball thing doesn't work out it'll be ok! A ha a ha haha

TB: Yeah, he's just doing this to pay off his loans.

DK: biochemical engineering...that sounds dangerously like "steroid production"

SJ: yeah it does

RK: Whoa, hey now. Maybe Juan Rincon went to Yale?

SJ: ahhh...i love the chorus of boo's for AJ

DK: "AJ, Former Twin..." wow...there's something I didn't know - thanks Dazzle

RK: But did you know he can turn his head all the way around like all the other owls?

SJ: So what are the odds that AJ gets attacked by a bear while he's hunting one?

DK: y'know, I like this whole not-sucking badly phase the bullpen's in now

DK: they need to keep that up through like...oh...October 18th or so

TB: The bear probably would want to eat his honey-colored hair

RK: They have the Dome magic

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

RK: Whoops, refreshed my mosaic and now Punto is out. Sorry, LNP

RK: Buh. Chigabuh... why, Gomer, why?

TB: So any idea what the record for bunt-on-two-strike strikeouts is? Gomez definitely is challenging that.

SJ: Wow -- I blinked and missed this half of the inning...

TOP 7TH, SAME

DK: BOOOOOF

TB: Oh drat, Boof and stuff

RK: (B)Oof

SJ: I remember when I claimed Boof as one of my new boyfriends at the beginning of the season...I had one helluva hangover the next day..

RK: You wake up, look over and think, how did I get stuck with this guy? I'm kidding SJ, you're a saint

TB: I can just tell Gardy's mumbling to himself "Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my Go-ahhhhh!" much like the manager in Rookie of the Year

SJ: Haha

RK: I think you'll see Boof challenging for a starting job next year

SJ: Did they just say this could give Boof some attitude?

TB: We'll see about that.

DK: look at that - a comebacker. Lending credence to my theory!

DK: Boof = small planet = gravitational pull = increase in comebackers, to paraphrase

RK: Hey, that sounds like physics. I believe!

DK: though that single just blew a hole in that argument *mutter*

TB: Well at first contact it was a homerun, but the net effect made it drop in front of Dlmn

RK: Don't you hate it when Dick makes a call for the wrong team? Like, did you know J-Dye is due?

DK: Jermaine Dye 0 for 7 in this series makes me happy

SJ: It's almost feeding time for Boof -- they've got pitchers warming up

DK: I see someone finally told Gordo how to pronounce Latin last names...at least he didn't say My-har-ees

SJ: BOOOOOOOOF is really excited cuz he gets to eat now

TB: He's missing the roll of the tongue.

RK: One step at a time. One step at a time. Does he still say Ray-Moan! Yes, Bert! BOOOOOF indeed!

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

DK: at least he didn't say Lye-van, though I suspect it was hard to concentrate on saying Bon Jovi's name amongst the expletives

SJ: I wonder what Ray-Moan is up to these days?

DK: apparently, Livan on a prayer's ERA finally dropped below 10.00 in the NL

TB: Tends to happen when you play the Padres

RK: Raymoan is playing in minor league Buffalo

SJ: Wow, I bet that's a confidence booster for him

TB: ...and the sandcastle washed away

RK: Bloop and a blast here. I feel it in my baseball bones

TB: Bloop...."Aw...blast."

RK: I should make my desires more specific

DK: Well, there's another bloop

TB: the Mike Victor Papa bloops one for ya

DK: However you want to slice it

RK: I'll take Kubel at the plate any day

DK: w00t for Jim Thome leading off an inning, at least there can't be baserunners that way

RK: Is the inning over? Man is my feed slow

TB: Ye are looking too far ahead, ain't over as far as I can tell

DK: no, but Gordo just said a hail mary about the whole Thome batting with bases empty

SJ: Yeah he did

TB: unless Kubel is the entertainment between innings.

WV: Boy, if ever there was an appropriate time for using a "your Mom is..." line.

DK: Nice throw there AJ! *points madly to el beisbol* runners moving around los beisos!!

SJ: He must of thought he was bear hunting

TB: Gomez woulda been in the dugout by now

RK: Ha, right, on a slide into third

TB: Ok, now we can worry about Thome

DK: Twins on a mission to leave the population of Grand Forks, ND on the bases tonight

RK: Well shit

TOP 8TH, SAME

WV: My stars, we're putting in Mijares.

SJ: I don't know if he's warmed up enough...

RK: Mijares of the 1.50 ERA? Wow

WV: Well, there is a lefty up right

RK: True. And then you call on Crain I suppose

TB: True, granted the lefty's of the Thome variety

SJ: Whoa - we flashed back, it's the 23rd of September? Old age is creeping up to somebody..

RK: Surprise! You get to do it all over again

DK: What was I saying at lunch today TB? You can never have too many hard throwing lefties not named JC Romero

TB: Apparently not.

WV: Leaving Mijares in huh?

RK: I like it

TB: May as well

TB: Two outs. Fact.

RK: I believe!

SJ: "Mijares has ice water in his veins"

WV: I, doubting Thomas, take my word back. Until something bad happens.

TB: Woo Mijares!

DK: Mijares FTW

SJ: Somebody get Mijares a burrito!

RK: Reyes is on it

TB: Morneau is no sieve. Now for insurance. The one you really need to have.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

DK: RUN DLMON RUN!

RK: I keep having to renew my feed, probably because a lot of people are watching this game and it is giving me anger salad something fierce

TB: Way to go Brendan.

RK: God dammit I want to watch the game. I blame Comcast, SW VA and the entire Eastern Seaboard

DK: bring on Twitch 'n Pitch!

SJ: Twitch 'n Pitch!

DK: obligatory baserunner?

TB: For sure, DK, for sure

TOP 9TH, SAME

WV: Gomez says, " Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball. ..... "

WV: And yes, Neverhit is Roger Dorn in my mythology.

RK: Span is Willie Mays Hayes!

SJ: Wild Thing is played by..??

DK: Crain!

RK: Word

DK: I can't hear Gordo over the Dome crowd

RK: That's probably OK

WV: I guess swinging wildly at breaking balls is a Caribbean thing.

RK: I uh, kinda hurt my ankle nervously pacing around my apartment. Yep

WV: And the synergy with the DQ FlameThrower ad behind home plate is capitalism at its finest.

DK: so Sinn Fein was Caribbean?

WV: Ha!

TB: Hey they're showing the crowd. Where's Karleeeee

WV: Sinn Fein definitely had a predilection for plantains and johnny cakes.

SJ: I like how we just got the play-by-play on Nathan's breathing there over el radio

SS: I'm anxiously awaiting word from the future whether Alexi #2 gets out or not

TB: More fouls

WV: Nathan hasn't thrown this many pitches in an inning since Little League.

TB: One down.

RK: And 3.6 to go. OK, that one's really obscure. Sorry

SS: Yay future!

TB: Hmmmmmmmmmm. Nope, nothing.

WV: I was recently wondering what Ben Folds was up to. OK, I had to google that. But the first sentence was true.

TB: GOMEZ

SJ: Go go!

DK: Speaking of Sinn Fein, I suspect he wouldn't have caught that

WV: Agreed

SJ: That makes up for 3 strikeouts...

WV: You're absolutely right, there's no way.

RK: AJ shakes his head and says, "Yes, I am a bitch. Owls are assholes"

WV: Well, at least if we do win, it'll be by getting 2 of the biggest d-bags in baseball out.

DK: There's our obligatory baserunner

SJ: Seriously...

TB: 'sok Nathan. There's our obligatory baserunner. This is standard TB Theory.

TB: Up by one, let one on. Tie game, strike out the side. Up by two, load the bases. Or something like that.

SS: whoa, I wasn't following that that was the theory for a second and got really worried

TB: Yeah sorry. I'll stick for now to the "up by one, let one on and then strand him" theory

DK: .5 BACK

SJ: WOO!

RK: FUCK YES

DK: Thank you Blackburn for at least going the regulation amount

SS: the future is beautiful!

DK: I'll take 5 good innings

TB: I'll take a win however the hell we get it, thank you very much.

POSTGAME

WV: For pure bliss, I switched over to listen to the Hawk, but the jackass is busy praising the Twins. I hate it when he does that.

DK: hahahahahah

RK: The final refuge of a scoundrel! And by that I mean Hawk needs to stop talking to the White Sox players like they're his friends at a beer league softball game

Let's do this again tomorrow, huh? Shouldn't mess with a good thing.

.5 games back! Slowey will sit down more bitches tomorrow!

Long-Range RAGNAROK

2008-09-23T19:28:00.020-04:00

PREGAME

Before we get to the blogging in[s]anity, just a couple of things.

Gwenyth Paltrow has a blog for women (or something) called Goop. Goop. Seriously, go to goop.com, but not now, because we have better things to do.

Also, the world around us in the financial sector is turning into nightmare hellscape of unparalleled horrors. Good luck finding jobs, ye who read us in college!

Yes. So, those of you who haven't had the good sense to abandon this blog may be familiar with the principle of RAGNAROK, that the Twins will lead us to a glorious end of times where the baseball gods are finally at peace and we reach the end of history, apologies to Francis Fukuyama.

And this maybe was going to be the case in 2006, right? The amazing comeback to win the division, going 22-1 in interleague play or whatever the hell it was, hey things were awesometime.

And then Frank Thomas hit a dinger off of Johan and all was lost.

So RAGNAROK didn't come to pass, and WV and I decided that we needed to have a long-range conception of RAGNAROK, that this doesn't all come in one fell swoop, but the return to baseball glory and ultimate appeasement of the baseball gods is an ongoing process, to be led by small market teams like the Twins, A's, etc.

What does this mean now? The Twins need to sweep. At worst go 2-1 against the CWS and hope the Tribe remains the best team in baseball in September. We can pull, root, and pray if that's your thing, but we can't lose our collective minds here. Keep in mind that this season, no matter what happens in the next week is a success. Who thought the Twins could contend this year? Who thought they could keep it so close for 155 games? The emergence of the young starters is exciting, and reminds me of the 2001 team of Milton, Mays, the emergence of Lohse and even the quintessential veteran held together by Gorilla Glue Rick Reed was doing well.

Maybe RAGNAROK will have to be delayed a bit. Maybe they don't quite have what it takes to make it this year. But things look good for next year, don't they? The team BA with RISP will probably never be equalled, and that was probably a bit of a fluke this season, but I like the way this team is going.

And if, dear readers, if the Twins don't make it, I think we can all agree; then we hope the Rays stampede through the playoffs and finally bring a championship home to all 8 people in Florida who give a shit.

WV's classes finally started because Stanford has a weird academic calendar. He has a night class, but will join when he gets home.

THIS IS AN OPEN CALL. I want to hear from all of you. If you're reading this blog and want to contribute, and I mean directly contribute, email me (there's a link somewhere on the left side) with your AIM name, and I'll invite you to the PAB chatroom. I have final editorial control though, because I have a God Complex. Join the fun! This game needs to be fun. I need all the help I can get.

Let's just try to enjoy this, shall we?

TOP 1ST

Oh I could have sworn that was strike 3 against Pierzynski, but what do I know? I'm not behind the dish.

Baker is making me crazy. Yes, every Twin tonight must be a fuck lion. Uh... search in Deadspin for the concept of Marquees Slocum's Fuck Lion

BOTTOM 1ST

I'm having a hard time watching this. I'm so excited. Seriously, I feel like I did right before that first time you make out with somebody

And it's like oh they go down in order. What? Yes.

TOP 2ND

Single by Thome, it's ok, it's ok. He's just a double play waiting to happen, right? Who's up next? Konerko. Yes. Right? What is the matter with me? My pulse is racing like that dude I saw last night on TLC who was like 800 pounds.

"Even Ken Griffey Jr." Bert, dude's like 38. Hasn't been non-injured since 1998. If you say he's old nobody's going to question that.

Yes Bert, thank you for pointing out that the dude in the stands who got that foul ball gave it to a kid. Would this happen in Yankee Stadium? No.

Dammit.

OK, the Bitch Sox score, but two outs for a run isn't bad after some lucky hitting. And I feel the meat of our lineup will get to Vazquez. Oh yes, Javier. Ozzie was right about you. You're not a big game pitcher.

Excellent pitch to put the sorta can't put your finger on it odd looking Alexi Ramirez to go to 1-2

NOW GO TO WORK GUYS.

BOTTOM SECOND, TWINS DOWN 1

Because of MLB.tv's Mosaic, I missed Telly's intro back into the game. Too bad, Telly! I got other things on my mind!

Yes, the Vazquez implosion begins. Now Jason Kubel will deposit this ball over the baggie. It has been written!

I'm going to collapse. I seriously need to remember to breathe.

JASON KUBEL IS A FUCK LION AND I WAS LIKE WHOA PRESCIENT. I love when I make a call and it's right.

THIS JUST IN: Delmon Young swings at a first pitch.

BBuscher gets out because Young wasn't at second. Seriously, he's only magical when there's a RISP

Excellent job, Young, keep the double play out of order, and let the runners move up. AJ and Uribe have no idea what they're doing down there. They apparently didn't wath Luis Mendoza in the Sandlot for how to do a rundown.

A single by the Stone Cold Killer would make me extremely happy.

Well... there's a lead. I'll take that.

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

My face is flushed, why, I do believe I have come down with the vapors.

Get the smelling salts!

Two Alex[e]is in one game. The only other Alexi I had ever heard of was a Romanov. We watched some movie in tenth grade about that family and he was a hemophiliac and he sang a song that went something like Alexi-ay alexi-ay, mustn't run and mustn't play.

The end.

Haha, when OMG throws his mask off, the ump catches it, because he's the golden child. But I guarantee that when he gave it back to Joe, he said thank you, blue.

We're still booing Pierzynksi? Really? The guy we traded away like 5 years ago for 2 All-Stars?

So far so good from Baker. Maybe a little more economic-like in the pitch department from here on out, but I like what I'm seeing.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

That was a forgettable AB, wasn't it Sandcastle?

A-bugabuahblah that. Oh dear.

TOP 4TH, SAME

Yeah, let's find Telly Hughes. Where are you, Telly?

"A former Bear, now a Viking, who you rooting for?" Oh who gives a shit.

BACK TO DICK AND BERT.

Oh hey Joe Boadus is in the stands, what do you think about life and the meaning of everything?

Nice grab by the sandcastle!

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

I'm pleased to be joined by loyal reader Stacey!

SS: I'm seriously feeling the 2006 vibes

RK: Let's hope so

SS: KUBEY!!

RK: The Pride of Belle Fourche!

SS: "nothing better than a triple", Bert? I beg to differ, but I'll take it

RK: Delmon Young swing and a miss on the first pitch? If I didn't know any better, I'd say a pattern is developing here...

SS: Love that, Dick just invented the collective cycle. Not as rare, I don't think.

RK: Ha, probably not, but between Cargo and me, we have a cycle

SS: oh, this is so much better than teaching undergrads about the Leviathan

RK: And Bert just mentioned one of my favorite players ever, Roger Maris. This is awesometime. Oh God you poor thing. I just got done with Fukuyama and the advent of neoliberalism

SS: Oy, that doesn't sound much better. But at least you don't have to rely on the ability of 19 year-olds to grasp the concept of the state of nature

RK: FUCK YES

SS: You warm my heart, little Nicky Punto! Now for a homer, then we can have a collective cycle just in this inning

RK: How proletarian!

SS: I have my 2003 Homer Hanky on the wall of my office, right next to me. If we score another run this inning, I'm taking it down and running down the hall with it

RK: I've been prancing around my apartment off and on. I'd understand. There's only one out? I lost track.

SS: YES!!!

RK: Loyal PAB Reader W lives below me in this building. He probably just heard that shout. My apologies

SS: That's nothing. there is a grad class going on across the hall from me. I shut the door, but I doubt that helped much.

RK: You take your obsession to work? Dangeresque!

SS: I'm a daredevil. Just call me Evel Stacenevel

TB: O hai!

RK: Hey TB

SS: BTW, I'm totally ok with the booing AJ forever thing. some grudges are just more fun to hold after they become obsolete.

RK: Hey, I get it, I still hate Chuck Knoblauch, but I'm over AJ. Maybe it's because he was my then-girlfriend's favorite Twin and (not so secret) crush

TOP 5TH, CWS 1 MNTWINS 5

TB: Me three by the way about the AJ stuff. Just don't throw hot dogs at him like we did with Charles

RK: I threw a hot dog at Chuck. When I was young and impulsive. Which means 18 and drunk.

SS: oh, hello Scotty. I forgot about that whole defense side of the game for a bit there.

RK: WHAT BAKER STILL HAS TO PITCH? Oh. Don't let them back in this, Scotty

SS: do I smell a triple play?

RK: That would be more delicious than what AB makes on Good Eats night after night

TB: Delmon makes a routine fly ball look so positively intriguing. "Oh...maybe he won't...oh...WHEW. Got it"

RK: He's just doing the locomotion, like the song suggests. He's gotta swing his hips a little more

SS: damn, no triple play. suppose I'll settle for getting the inning over without giving up any runs

RK: Ha, that would be the next best thing. A ground ball right at Punto would just be the berries

KK: Sweet baby, OMG

RK: Ball down, Baker, induce the DP! Errr, yeah

KK: It's an official blogging orgy huh?

RK: I don't have the constitution to do this without some support

TB: Doesn't an orgy need 7? or 8? or I dunno, this is cool. Denardo says "Yeah. YEAH. You just try and run on me."

KK: Anything more than 3 is an orgy in my mind.

RK: I suppose we all have our own personal orgy threshold

KK: Bases loaded, and the worlds biggest douchebag is up to bat. I went there.

SS: I read once somewhere that MN doesn't allow sex between an odd number of people, but apparently even numbers are cool. though I suppose we're in interweb land so that shouldn't matter

TB: It appears they are having a "what should we pitch him" orgy. I vote nothing he can hit

KK: I bet internet sex is highly frowned upon in all 50 states. Just hit him, for my amusement.

TB: I was thinking that, only it would kinda/sorta give him an RBI.

SS: oooh, that's tempting

TB: No no, on the other hand. Making him look like an idiot = priceless

KK: Baker is making me all...bothered and slightly luke warm.

KK: I want to strike him out so I can further lose my voice. (thank you valley fair.)

SS: seriously, is AJ's hair the color of Country Time lemonade, or is that just me?

KK: NOW we has an orgy. OMG. I just almost threw up. Thank you Punto for being a smooth criminal.

DK: Nicky unleashes the howitzer masquerading as his right arm there...

KK: <--I'll never be able to drink country time lemonade anymore. I bet his hair tastes like stetson, seagrams and slutty piece of whore trash.

TB: Country Time pink lemonade has lost no points with me

DK: What about mother's day when the Bitch Sox all dyed their hair pink. Or have you forgotten about that?

TB: I had forgotten, oh thank you so much

BOTTOM 5TH, AFTER A JAM, SAME

DK: Richard, Clayton now pitching for the Sox

SS: never trust a man with two first names

DK: Welcome to the ballgame Clayton Richard, now let us inflate your ERA a bit

KK: OMG, omg'ed all over the dome for a single.

RK: Clayton soon has to get on Sports Center to give an NFL update

TB: Do they get a courtesy runner for that?

KK: OMG FUCK LION

DK: Dr. Neau!

TB: Does this get any better?

KK: Now I feel hot and bothered.

DK: oh good - Marty Cordova isn't the Twins all-time doubles leader anymore

TB: The only thing that would make this better would be Jason Tyner pinch hitting for Dlmon

KK: So this whole dick bremmer sounding like he's about to bust a nut every time we get a hit is kinda priceless.

SS: Renyt! I love that guy.

KK: Or Lew Ford losing a ball in the dome.

DK: is it too early to pinch hit Macri for Buscher?

KK: how dare they walk thee drk kngt dlmn yng.

TB: Never

KK: Punto= rbi machine

DK: only thing that would make this game more hilarious would be Buscher running out a bunt

KK: Wow, Morneau, you hustled

RK: PUT IN MATT THORNTON

TB: Everything is going crazy-go-nuts. Death by SAC flies

KK: C'mon Pinko

SS: I wonder what role the sac fly has in the collective cycle

KK: Awww...it's okay he's still pinko-y

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 7-1

DK: am I the only one getting the game via the Gordo/Dazzle/Black Jack method?

RK: You poor soul, I think we're all sucking from Bert's sweet teat

KK: Yes, Bert is furthering his near diabetic status by eating ice cream already this game. Someone should send him a cake every day. Or more crickets.

DK: I get to paint myself a mental picture...it's more fun doing that when we're losing because I imagine the gods setting fire to bats when offensivefutility sets in

SS: yeah, my video feed is doing this weird acid trip thing where players moving too fast leave a trail, but at least I have the dulcet tones of Dick 'n Bert

KK: Just think of nick swisher sitting on the bench whining that there isnt any mirrors on the ceiling of the duggout. He needs to feel at home.

RK: SS, I'm getting that too. And sometimes the audio gets all Max Headroom. But it's worth it. Totes worth it

TB: And I'm watching on my television. Fancy that

RK: I was kinda hoping it'd be on WGN, but then I was glad it wasn't, because I hate the Hawk

KK: If this score stays tonight has been perfect. I made myself turkey dinner because I got bored, including the pumpkin pie, a huge pot of chamomile tea and this is just spiffy. Baker keeps on making me giggle like a skewl gurl.

RK: SIT DOWN, BITCH!

DK: 1-2-3 innings make me giddy

TB: Or in the words of what I believe is a WGN'ism, "Grab some bench"

KK: Oh and were any of you super duper impressed by gomez's sudden patience at the plate? What was that all about?

DK: his bats have been talking back to him... "Quit swinging us through the air!"

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

TB: That was Gomez channelling his inner..umm...somebody. I was going to say the last centerfielder for us, but then I got a mental image of Sinn Fein whiffing on a big breaking ball in the dirt.

KK: He's starting to really listen to his bat and uh, did any of you catch mauer smell his bat a couple games back? I was like ORLY Joe Gomez?

RK: Ryan, join the fun!

SS: that bunt did not look like it should have worked

TB: Yes I saw that. Though he seemed downright amused by the concept. A bit like when whats-his-face threw at his head>

KK: Nick used his unicorn special powers. He coaxed it to land quickly yet kind of die so he can out run it. True story.

DK: Gomez with a multi-hit game...that sounds so alien

TB: Unicorn powers! I knew it!

RK: He's a Gomer no more

SS: everything's coming up GoGo

TB: Gomez should just steal home right now.

KK: Gomez's bats are actually made of plantains, thus why he smells it because he gets hungry.

TB: And Joe's smells like Miss USA's perfume

DK: is it really "stealing" on AJ when he wouldn't be able to throw out David Ortiz?

KK: And Nicks smells like smarties and bubble gum.

SS: Span looks so mature next to GoGo. he's like "this is how you grow facial hair, son!"

KK: Spans facial hair > Mauers side burns

RK: I can't believe I'm older than D'Nard

SS: I wouldn't go that far, but Span is quite the looker

KK: Indeed he is. Indeed. Im the same age as gomez. Same b-day too. kismet.

SS: nice, maybe you two can duet/serenade each other next time it rolls around

TB: Now if only you could overcome the language barrier. Although I just got that memory of that Seinfeld episode where George meets the Asian maid or whatever.

TOP 7TH, SAME

SS: anyone else want to join me on a Draft Jason Kubel for MVP campaign?

KK: Kubeloution.

RK: I'd vote for him

TB: Me too, but not ahead of Morneau. Go Canada

KK: Canuckle. OMG

DK: though one could argue that Scott Baker fits that same mold

KK: Baker.....that was sexual healing

DK: Scott Baker = GOLD GLOVE

SS: but Kubey's from Belle Fourche, which is practically Candad. We can sell it as his foreign policy experience

TB: Holy batman that was cool

KK: Agreed

RK: This MLB.tv delay rules

DK: has Bert said something about the pitcher being the best athlete on the field yet?

KK: He just should of right now. Shocker. He's probably too busy eating sweets.
I think I know why he's been eating so many sweets, because they made him stop drinking whilst on air.

TB: Hey I'm digging this. We should play like this every night.

DK: Can we have Baker lead the chorale in Take me out to the ball game? actually, after the Ode to Joy ad this year, that might not be the best idea

TB: Do you have any idea how long it took the voice coach to teach those pitchers how to sing that?

DK: I withdraw that proposition

RK: TB, that's the goal. We're trying to figure out a way to expand this site into PAB citizen media STORM

KK: But hes got nasty *crasshhh* LULZ! Omg funny wild commerical *giggle fit*

TB: I didn't know they did Wild commercials, nor did I know they felt they needed to.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

TB: EM VEE PEE EM VEE PEE

DK: or, as they hammer into us at this here flight school we attend, Mike Victor Papa

KK: That's so cute! M-V-P

RK: That's it, it's Mike Victor Papa from here to eternity

KK: kubeeesss get a double!

SS: Mournie can be my MVP of groundouts

TB: Damn, over the baggie! You're supposed to get down and get the double!

KK: SWEET BABY JESUS WHAT THE...cannot compute!!

DK: OMG BELLE FOURCHE!

KK: I just screamed, so loud.

TB: DLMON FUCKING YOUNG YOU RULE

KK: AHH AHH AHHH *runs into a wall*

TB: They should just give them the division right now.

KK: I just screamed so loud. Holy shit.

DK: Ozzie coming out to pull his pitcher 2 pitches too late

KK: This is waaay too emotional for an emotional woman. I just had a hot flash; no lie.

SS: to quote Jack Buck "I don't believe what I just saw"

TB: And it's only game one folks.

KK: I am ded. RK, I's ded.

SS: I'm thankful to Ozzie for pulling the pitcher and giving me a second to catch my breath

RK: Let's hope we can keep it rolling like this all week

KK: I love celebratory man love. TONS

DK: Kubel and Dlmon making their homer totals multiples of 10. Morneau needs to get to 30 to align the planets properly

RK: SJ chimes in: "Did you see the sign? 'I have a fever, and the only solution is MORE KUBEL'"

SS: I love that sign

KK: 9-1. All I can say is tasty

TB: I unlocked that song in Rock Band. Don't Fear The Reaper. Or in this case, don't fear the righty

TOP 8, BITCH SOX 1 MNTWINS 9

KK: Oh my gosh, download the free stephen and the colberts song "im right behind you (charlene)"

KK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6yFBwGjAm0

TB: No I don't. Already found it on Youtube. Watching right this minute.

SS: haha, I was singing that the other day

DK: Crainadian in

KK: hahaha, it's epic beyond all that is epic-ness.

DK: I think this lead MAY be wide enough for him not to blow

KK: Who knows, he still makes me nervous. RK what was his new nick name I remembered I thought it was pretty catchy. Wow hes a huge big fail-nadian.

TB: That looks about right. 5 pitch walk by Jessica

SS: Jesse's necklace looks like a bike lock, like he's worried someone will steal his Schwin. Telly to Scotty: "at what point in the game did you realize you were awesome?"

TB: Punto: That's okay Crain, I forgive you.

KK: Punto is such a tiny hero.

RK: Just throw the gas, Jesse!

DK: AJ 0-3 = music to my ears

KK: Crain can throw the heat, boy needs to just simmah dahn nahhh YAY DLMN

TB: A.J. Pierzynski looks like a teenage girl at summer camp with a bleach experiment gone terribly wrong.

DK: but we shall not have to see that anymore, for he fouls out

KK: 0-4

DK: I likes it

TB: zero for four, kids.

KK: Nom nom

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

KK: HAI PUNTO

TB: Holy crap, Punto wasn't just kissing Mauer was he? Or was that just a camera switch gone wrong

KK: Man lurve?

RK: I support that

SS: oh, H-Ram, when did you escape KC?

TB: OH MY GOD

KK: OH MY GOD WHAT

TB: Yeah, for about four seconds there they showed AJ.

RK: He looks like Mr. Owl!

DK: Gordo's making my head a'splode, talking about all these tiebreakers

TB: Maybe Telly should ask him how many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop

DK: can't we just win the freaking division outright and be done? I'm just waiting for one of the three radio guys to go "Oh snap! El beisbol!"

KK: Im shocked telly hasn't been hit by a baseball or close to being hit.

RK: Guys, I think Span just winked at me

SS: ooooh, I'm jealous

KK: You sure he wasn't giving you the stink eye?

SS: I bet it was a manly wink

RK: Yeah, like a "Ima go 0-5 but you don't care"

KK: kinda of like how they give eachother manly ass spankings?

RK: Yeah. Something like that. Sure

DK: do we bring out the Nathanator as a symbolic gesture?

RK: No, you save him! Guerrier time!

TOP 9TH, SAME

TB: I vote Humber

KK: hes gueeerrriierrrate.

DK: TB, no Korecky?

TB: Well guerrieerate it is

DK: Royals and Tigers tied for 4th

RK: J-Dye just spit out a lot of phlegmy discharge that kinda hung there. Ga-ross

KK: Thanks for that lovely detailed discription.

RK: I share the nightmare

DK: oh good...unruly fan...what are we the bitch sox?

KK: I heard a fog horn.

TB: Or Cleveland Browns?

RK: Dick is right to decry him as an idiot

SS: I like the policy of not showing the people on TV

KK: I wonder if it was a sox or a twins fan.

DK: probably a sox fan...twins fans just throw baseballs and batteries in moments of extreme displeasure

RK: And hot dogs!

SS: my guess is Sox, remember the white trash father/son combo of a few years ago?

KK: I love how Punto throws. I think I love everything he does. And hats. And Twinkies

TB: And people

KK: And kittens. And lemurs.

TB: I'm so fine missing Warren Sapp on dancing with the stars for this

DK: Griffey can still do that?

TB: Guerrier doing his best impression of Twitch

DK: 1.5 back

KK: W000t

POSTGAME

That was awesome. Let's do this again tomorrow, hm? 1.5 back, let's hope they can keep it rolling!

Let's Go To Work

2008-09-16T19:15:00.007-04:00

BOTTOM 1ST

I found out I can watch away broadcasts, but not through MLB Mosaic. OK, so I open the video stream in Firefox and I can see exactly the bottom half of the screen. So now I'm on Safari! Oh how I've missed you, built-in Apple browser. Except not really.

But to be honest, I don't really feel like talking too much about the baseball game.

Because Target Field.

Target Field?!

Somebody might have to set me straight here, but I was under the impression that it was the taxpayers of (especially) Hennepin county who footed the bill for this new stadium. All of a sudden target swoops in and probably gives some extra money to put a retractable roof on, build a plaza and places to buy ice cream, and voila.

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP 1

I guess it's inevitable, the corporatization of sports teams is nothing new, but there's something interesting about Target. Sure, it's a Minneapolis based corporation, and yeah, they do community stuff I guess, but in the press release, and I'm paraphrasing here, Target was really the only corporation entertained for naming and promotional rights. Target already owns 90% of Minneapolis and St. Paul. This is an exaggeration.

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

But the real point is that I want to be spared this good corporate citizen stuff. The corporation, no matter what the law says, is not an individual. It's not a citizen. It has its own ethos and telos. It just wants to sell stuff. Which would be OK If they actually paid for where they want to tattoo the target. But they didn't. So people in MSP are going to be paying taxes for years to a ballpark associated with a shopping center. Good work, everybody.

Wouldn't it be nice if a playing facility were associated with the team that plays there? What if Target goes under? Or is bought and becomes something else? The embarrassments of the park names in San Francisco, San Diego, and Arlington should be warning enough (I wonder how long the Diamondbacks' ballpark will keep its current name what with all the financial institutions collapsing under the bloated mortgages and all) and you could ask, "Where do the Twins play?" and answer "Why, Twins stadium, of course!" or "The New Met! Let's take the light rail and recycle!" I dunno.

Could you imagine Yankee Stadium being called anything other than Yankee Stadium? Or Fenway in Boston? Wrigley takes all the wind out of this example, but I'll be happy to eat my shoe if in a hundred years the Twins still play at Target Field

TOP 3RD, MIN 1 CLE 4

They should just call this team the Minnesota Targets. Change the TC to the bullseye and work on a great synergistic ad campaign (Justin Morneau is a slob, Joe Mauer is a neat-freak; and yet they get along thanks to the great offerings at Target!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing a HHH Metrodome panegyric here. That is an ugly facility that had no business housing a baseball team. And I'm sure the new park will look great. It'd just be nice if they didn't pander to corporate interests and name it after the people who paid for and will support the team that plays there.

Anyway, the game, huh?

The young team is probably showing signs that they're not accustomed to the grueling major league schedule, especially the pitchers, and this ride could get interesting.

Even in the face of RAGNAROK, I think we need to be aware of the unlikelihood of a postseason berth.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

Hm, never has the phrase "A Comedy of Errors" been so appropriate.

This is just some inspired baseblah, huh? Do you see? Do you see what I did there?

EMH, you're right; but take it even a step further and let's just rename MSP "Target City" Then you can go to Target Field in Target Park in Target City.

"This has been one of the more unsightly innings of the year." Poetry, Dick. Poetry.

Oh sweet mercy.

TOP 4TH, CLEVELANDIA UP A MILLION

Oh for the love of... I have a book to read

ON STRIKE

Charm City Redux

2008-09-12T19:35:00.004-04:00

RAIN DELAY

RK: As we start this special friday RAIN APOCALYPSE liveblog, if anybody noticed my entry from Wednesday, take heed; don't take happy hour too seriously

WV: But do know your limitations.

RK: As long as you can make a sandwich, you're not that drunk. That's what I always say. I always say that. Ask anybody

WV: He does say that, I will attest to it.

WV: You know what I least like about Baltimore?

RK: The Cal Ripken legacy?

WV: Nope. Ace of Cakes. Just don't get it.

RK: Good point. It's cakes, for Pete's sake

WV: And it's cakes with attitude. Big whup, wanna fight about it?

KK: oh my gosh...

RK: I'm singing "RAIN DELAY" to the "NORMAL VIEW" tune

KK: it worked! haha. But I highly doubt there will be baseball tonight. Check out weather.com Ikes ex Tina is wreaking havok from chicago to baltimore.

WV: So uh.....small talk huh. What do you guys think of the Bush Doctrine? Should we prevent European armadas from entering North America?

RK: In what respect, WV?

KK: First off, who names your kid Bush?

KK: Whats the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?

WV: I want to say something witty here.

KK: The hockey moms jowls are bigger.

WV: Nice. You sooo went there.

KK: Kevin Slowey the forecaster? He's talking about humidity and such. And he said the game should start at 8:27.

WV: "Why Mr. Gibson, earmarks are the little strings left on the corn cob after you shuck it.....in what respect?"
haha "I'll hold you to that" "well go right ahead" Tellie never second guess the slowey.

WV: Tellie is back huh?

RK: Is his chin strap strong?

KK: Oh yes, back and ready to get hit by baseballs.

KK: Ew its back to highschool football. Cretin and woodbury or something? I love how everyone that went to Cretin or knew someone who went there say that they know Joe Mauer.

WV: You gotta keep it beatin for all the hoppin cretins.

RK: I like turtles!

KK: I went to one football game in highschool and it was richfield against the holy angels (guess which school I went to) and the cheerleaders got into a big huge brawl.

WV: I drove by Cretin last time I was in town, I swear my arm got stronger. I touched 70 on the radar gun.

KK: I got more chest hair, how weird is that?

WV: I'm putting you on the cover of GQ.

KK: And I had an urge to wear flannel shirts. Oh please do, can I pose with a bear?

RK: But the bear has to be one of those russian bears.

RK: Bears are a bit of a niche culture, huh?

KK: They are the most dangerous animals in the planet and should be stricken down. They hide in my caves, and eat all my berries.

RK: I want to watch a graphical representation of baseball game soon

RK: Oh I thought we were talking about bears as in large hirsute gay men

WV: On the bright side, if we make this up later on it'll be more time for Cuddy to ground into more double plays.

RK: Is he back on the el teamo?

RK: That's Spanish for "The Team"

WV: Taking some BP apparently.

KK: Wow, I did not know that.

WV: Cuddy's return is far more anticipated than Metallica's soon to dominate Q98 for all eternity new album.

RK: St. Master of Lightning Puppets: ReLOADed

KK: The metallica cd is kinda good *hides*

WV: Just heard the one song, sounds kind of vieja escuela.

WV: That's French for "One"

RK: The best part of that Girl Talk album is the Lip Gloss song played over the guitar riff in "One"

KK: Yep, the unforgiven III is pretty om nom nomz.

KK: double header tomorrow starting at 4 :|

RK: My bones were correct

KK: But shit, white sox has to do a double header tomorrow too.

WV: See, bringing up Metallica made it rain harder! Damn your devil music!

KK: *glimmers of hope*

WV: I dub thee unforgiven.

KK: twins+ dbl hdrs= from my memory have faired well.

RK: A day off's a day off

WV: Now Cargo can go back to the hotel and play Samba de Amigo.

KK: And lew ford can go play d&d......

oh wait..

*frown*

Here It Is

2008-09-10T20:43:00.004-04:00

BOTTOM OF THE SOMETHING

Um, the screen is swirling and I had a prof take me out for drinks tonight and yet I still come here to blg because I am ou tof my mind.

What happenened? I went to go make a wrap with turkey ad ham the end.

Span, I agree that that was not a third strike. And yet if my opinion were devaluated, I would understand why

TOP 3RD, TIED AT ONE, SON

Uh yeah ok

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

I am in no coidition to be doing this. Sorry

Yeah Alright

2008-09-09T20:13:00.014-04:00

TOP 1ST

I had to take advantage of a prof's offer to fill us full of food and drink, and so that's why I'm late, and I'm just in time to see a Guillen single awesome. Anyway, I'm half in the bag. It's a good place to be.

I'm kinda afraid of Billy Butler. I don't know why. But I'm also afraid of spiders and I don't know why and I wonder what the relationship between them is

BOTTOM 1ST

I missed that double because I'm making cookies, but yeah, good work D'nard.

Runs scored, alright, not bad. Normally, the calculus that you give up 2 outs per 1 run would come out to 9 runs a game maximum, I'll take it.

I don't know if that's true. Whatever.

TOP 2ND

OK the cookies are done, so no more excuses

Here's the thing - whenever I've had some cocktails, I become a baker. Normally I'm a good citizen and I eat well and I'm a good part of the body politic -

Wait, Bburn gave up a run to Miguel Olivo? Really?

- but when I've had a few I'm like hell yeah cookies.

Nice double play

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED AT 1

I realize I'm not being very funny, but I had to read Edward Said, and it's a long process, like the backward Seinfeld episode that one time

Roy Smalley isn't making any damn sense, and that's why I'm ok with my mlb.tv being janky lo-fi

Whoa, that hit from Punto didn't make any sense either, but even with that hang time it still managed to drop in for a double.

Span, the Stone Cold Killer comes through and god damnit my mosaic is cutting in and out.

"There are some plays behind him that makes that mushroom even worse." NOBODY IS SAYING ANYTHING SENSICAL RIGHT NOW

TOP 3RD, ROYALES 1 TWINS 3

RK: Casilla is sliding around there on his knees like a snowboarder

WV: Hey, the Pale Hose are losing again.

RK: Yeah, what's the best case scenario here? After tonight we could be only one game out of first place?

WV: Trey Hilman > Tom Selleck

RK: Tom Selleck > Tom Thumb > Thumbelina

WV: Bert: "All these guys are Royals, they want to compete." In tomorrow's game, they're going to mix in some Indians and Blue Jays.

RK: Bert is making less sense than usual right now and I love it

BOTTOM 3RD TWINS UP 1

WV: When Torii sent that champagne, that was his ghetto fabulous side coming out.

RK: Because he actually tried to push the champagne to the ground

RK: And the Bitch Sox have taken the lead

WV: Mark Ritchie (is desperate)

RK: But he has a point, why wouldn't everybody do same day registration? Registering to vote in NJ was ridics

WV: It really is an arduous experience. I mean, I can ship a package to Miami same day via UPS but I can't register on site to vote? I'll be expecting that check, Mr. UPS.

RK: Ha, I don't even need a check, UPS, just please make sure my amazon orders get to me

WV: Bert's child-like awe at the most mind numbing of things is truly inspirational.

RK: Now that is a Baltimore chop. I think Bert's doing a public service, guiding the interview along - like hey man, hows about them digits?

WV: Somebody's on-base, so Buscher is due for a double here.

RK: But they're not in scoring position, so expect a weak grounder... I take my hat off to you, Mr. V.

WV: Yes, but seeing that that's only his 9th double leads me to believe it was hyperbole. But I stand by it.

TOP 4TH, TWINS LEAD BY 2

RK: So I used google Chrome today, and I don't understand why it's so important - it's just another browser, right?

WV: I know right. I'll stick with Firefox, thank you. Not that Safari-freezing javascript castrating p.o.s., mind you.

RK: I tried to get into Safari, but it's just plain terrible. Hey Marney!

WV: Yeeeeeep

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

WV: Gomez blows off that K like water off a duck's back.

RK: He bounded backwards. I kinda liked it

RK: The azure birds have retaken the lead

WV: Excellent [in my best Monty Burns voice]

WV: We're putting off the Incredible Hulk transformation this Bannister start.

RK: It's not that I don't like Mauer's productive outs, but they're certainly not as sexy. I'll say it again, Morneau is a fuck lion. Slocum-style

WV: That's vintage Josh Morneau. Wow, Bert really has check out hasn't he. "That tops off his M..D.P. season.." Seconds after, "And that makes it 6 to 2!"

RK: I love that man. Oh dear, Paul Konerko went down with a knee injury

WV: "The lack of purpose to the fastballs" Smalley is talking about Sartrian pitching

RK: Hey, the Royals put Batman in there! I'm sorry Bruce Wayne. The one that hits his mom

TOP 5TH, TWINS UP A FEW

WV: Roy Smalley is a phenomenologist, what can he say? Somewhere, Plato turns in his grave.

RK: Young: Statue of Liberty'd!

WV: I often wonder if Dlmon would prefer it if actual baseball resembled Wii baseball. For him, fielding is just a bother.

RK: I see why he was shading Callaspo shallow, but he didn't run a good route either

WV: Right. And let's be truthful: You always swing at the first pitch in Wii baseball.

RK: How about those unexplained errors on Wii baseball? Those remotes people throw through their TV screens is no accident

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: Oh BBuscher leads off, so that's a quick out... I will now eat my shoe

WV: I'm left speechless, I vaguely remembered that Gomez was fast.

RK: Dude, a straight steal of home would be fantastic

TOP 6TH, TWINS STILL UP 5

RK: Let's go around the horn, and I don't mean a godawful ESPN show

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

RK: I wonder how Jimmy Gobble's blister is doing. Or was that Jeremy Affeldt?

WV: I'm not sure of that one.

RK: Little Sandcastle, against a 10.86 ERA, you got no excuse

WV: I'm rather fond of knee injuries right now, I have to say. I almost want to go out and tear a ligament.

RK: You could park right in front of the Cub Foods

TOP 7TH, SAME

WV: This seems like the sort of game where Jason Pridie would make an appearance.

RK: I agree

WV: Real shame about Konerko. Good thing they've got Griffey to fall back on...bwa ha ha

RK: And the azure birds are up 4

WV: Well, they're down to 1 home run threat now, so they pretty much know what it's like to be the Twins.

RK: My Twins feed just stopped so yep

WV: Well you're half in the bag, so why not go balls out.

RK: I've since come out of the bag though

WV: Edward Said will do that, as well.

RK: Uh huh. Sobering in the not important way

RK: Blackburn's sideburns aren't as strong. Think Joe had a talk with him?

WV: He ought to, because he's clearly been skipping his daily shavings as well. If the Royals want something to build around, Dick, they could trade for Silva. Hardy har har.

RK: Baseball!

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

WV: Jays have it loaded up with no outs

RK: The Kubouillon Cube is giving Wells a hard time

RK: Errr, heads up Dlmn

WV: Seriously. I'll forgive him this once.

RK: D-Mohr would have been on first

WV: He would've induced an errant throw and gone to third. Because he's so crafty.

RK: He plays with HEART

WV: He's in the Northern League now, in case you ever wondered.

RK: And I do. A lot. When I'm in bed, gazing into the abyss

WV: You can go back to worrying about Jeremy Affeldt's blister now.

TOP 8TH, SAME

WV: Marney!

RK: Marney! She's better than Erin Andrews and Dana Jacobson all rolled into one

WV: A much better dental profile.

RK: Uh, Reyes is gonna walk this guy intentionally so Casilla can try that double play over

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Doobie, doobie doooooo

TOP 9TH, SAME

RK: So this game, huh?

WV: Yeeeep. It's games like these that Bert's value is truly apparent.

WV: It'd be beautiful if the Azure Birds could not blow this, m k?

RK: Yeah, that would really just be the capstone on this beautiful day

WV: I feel another reference to Edward Said coming on.

RK: Did you know culture is a product and reading books can offer glimpses of that culture?

WV: You don't say?

POSTGAME

ONE GAME BACK.