Tuesday, October 06, 2009
The AL Central Must Be Defended
PREGAME
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchÃsimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchÃsimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
