Monday, August 13, 2007


We Keep Going


Detroit has decided to lose its ballgame. Can the Twins capitalize? Who knows. There are some good things to say, as stacey points out, the Mariners were less than stellar last time the Twins played them. And if we recall last year, it was in Seattle that Joe Mauer went 24 for 10 and raised his batting average to 900. Statistically, the Yankees are indeed unlikely to make the postseason, but their PECOTA score goes up pretty much every day. They're playing like the '61 Yankees, which is scary. Anyway, we'll see how long I can make it through this game. I'm a tired, cranky old man. I'm about to turn 25, you know. Which means I'll be closer to 30 than 20.


Chocolate yogurt raisins are pretty good.

It is a little encouraging to see, though, that the boys aren't swinging at the first pitch every at-bat.

The relationship between Mauer and the Mariners is like a Marxist relationship between politics and economics. Infinitely reducible where both objects point to the other (in the parameters of baseball, etc.), but ultimately fails to encapsulate the other at the point of minimal difference. Even when Mauer tries to make an out they can't figure him out.

Heehee, even with Dr. Morneau in a slump, Felix is still pitching around him.

30+ pitch inning for Felix, but still, it's been a while for the MVP. I don't believe in the notion of "he's due," but it's... been a while.


Ha, they're playing ethnic-y music for the South American pitchers. Classy. Kind of.

Oh no, not another one of these nights. I get that Richie Sexson is a pretty good ballplayer. He's big, he hits the ball hard. I just... I can't reconcile that Santana can give up runs in the second half of the season.


55 pitches... at this point I'm just hoping to get to the bullpen. Hopefully Santana will settle down and do his thing.

Do they still make Whatchamacallits? I enjoyed those candy bars. And I'm not a big candy bar kind of guy. In fact, I can't remember when the last candy bar I had was. Wow, dubious grammatical construction!


Santana like a cat to gun down Betancourt at first! Quick like a lolcat. Santana's all, "My flecksibilliteys, let me show u them."

Now hit!


I hate that damn train.

But I love Mauer hitting in Seattle.

Goddammit! That's it, Justin, until you get an RBI, I'm calling you Justine. Yeah, it's gone that far.


Now Santana's pitching well, but perhaps out of spite? Like, hey look what I can do. Maybe a run or two would just make my socks roll up and down!



The outfense is in full swing!


I like to imagine the following happening when Santana was walking back to the dugout: "Yeah, thanks for the high fives guys. But seriously, you know what would make feel better than some high fives? Some runs. Y'know, where you touch homeplate after getting around all the bases. Also, I am sexy."


See Justine? That's an RBI. If Joe can do it, so can you.

Vidro, whose knees most closely resemble Undell's, is a step away from not making that play. There's a reason the call it a Baltimore Chop, Torii.


It really bothers me that Vidro is killing us. Vidro. The guy with worse knees than Rondell. The guy Washington couldn't wait to unload. The laughingstock of the offseason acquisitions. This guy is killing us.

That's like Ben Affleck winning an Oscar. You know every other actor was thinking the same thing: this guy is killing us?!


If we invented a game where the point was to swing early in the count and get under pitches so you sky it to the shallow outfield, the Twins would be undisputed champions.


Wow, weak circling job. You leave the circling to the professionals. I have a sinking feeling this is going to be one of those times when a pitcher pitches well and has to take a loss. But I'll keep my fingers crossed, as do we all.

Sometimes I wonder if this is like the way people agonize in a religious context. But boy is that way off topic from the point of this thing.


The piranhas have been doing a good job tonight, no? Sad the boppers can't bring 'em in.

LNP delivers! With a hit! Wow! I'm getting some of the faith in me!

Joe ties it up, but got a little greedy trying to stretch that guy into a triple. Not sure why he'd want to - oh wait, who's our third base coach again? Right.


Johan has done what he can. At least he's not on the hook anymore. I get the feeling he's still going to try to convince Gardy to let him go out there, but that'd be kinda dumb. Man, I like Johan. I feel like when the offense lets him down, I'm letting him down.

But I swear I like totally have my own personality.


Well Justine, a hit is a start. But I said RBI, then I'll start using your Christian name again. No clever nicknames - no no, someone's sleeping in the basement tonight.

I suppose it'll have to be done in the 9th.


Guerrierrrrrrrrreat! Is in. And taking care of business. I have a feeling we'll see Putz next inning, but we have had some good luck making good closers look foolish this year.

Does anybody really like Diet Coke? I mean like, for real?


I'm not even gonna yell at you Nick. You're gonna get plenty of that from Gardy. You know how in the doghouse you are right now.

My laptop doesn't let me mash my head on the keyboard and put up a bunch of letters. It's smarter than me. But if I could, I so would.




Anger salad.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


On the Precipice of an Enormous Crossroads

People. People. QTF is going on around here? The Twins can't score more than 2 runs (if I were a stat person, I'd tell you that since the All-Star break the Twins have averaged 2.8 runs a game. But I'm not and I just made that number up.)

Am I losing the faith? I can't say that's true, but...

Talk about diminished expectations; I get elated when the Twins don't have a 1-2-3 inning. Never mind scoring runs or extra base hits. If Alexi Casilla gets on with a walk I figure we've done our damage.

What a horrible attitude I have. I wonder if the players have it too.

The bullpen's faltering, we'll have to figure out a word that means offense inverted. Infense or outfense, in this case.

Yeah, the Tigers and Indians are playing sorta crummy, too, but y'gotta take advantage of these opportunities to, y'know, make up ground.

Remember when it was gonna be a good year because the Wild Card was gonna come from the Central and the Yankees weren't going to make the playoffs? The hell happened?

Let's say some good things! You start

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


The Things I Do For You


Well, it turns out WV is back in the lower 48s, but internet access will be spotty.

I'm at home doing my best impression of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. The only difference is she had longer hair and etched "help me" into her stomach. But the dark, sunken eyes, pallid skin, matted hair, and being tied to the bed - check. Except the being tied to the bed part. Again, enough about my personal life.

But I'm running a temperature and I'm kinda keeping a close eye on it. If it tops 102 I'm going to go directly to the hospital because I don't mess around with this kinda stuff. Just so you know.

Who are we playing again? What kinda blog is this?


I think Dick just described he and Bert as "hot and steamy." And y'know what? I'm inclined to agree with him.

I don't think Bert knows that they ever go to commercial. He just keeps talking and talking.


RK: Y'know who I miss? Marney Gellner.

RK: "He and Boof Bonser hooked up last Wed." I know that's a puerile thing to laugh at, but laugh I did

WV: In his never ending drive towards self-canonization, Dick assumes a caretaker role and advises me to properly hydrate and stay ouf of the sun

RK: Yeah, you've had enough sun, pendejo

WV: Let me go on, like a blister in the sun.


RK: "33.33% of his no-decisions against the Royals" I wasn't sure he was going to stop saying 3 for a second. Coming up in the next inning - Bert recites pi.

WV: "Brian Buscher, infection in his leg as a result of a fly ball". Coming up in the next inning, more euphemisms for "genital herpes outbreak"

RK: I'd make a Michael Vick as Ron Mexico joke, but there's bigger things surrounding him

RK: I'm sure it's hot in Kansas City, but uh.... summer isn't that surprising, is it?

WV: Sweating is a helluva problem--and there's nothing like aromatic ammonia to cure what ales ya.

WV: Maybe that could help out your head cold

RK: Aromatic ammonia? The hell?

WV: Apparently that's a part of the solution in the cooling dugout mist

RK: I might try mixing ammonia and bleach in an unventilated area

WV: Boof just shot his Gload all over the right field fence

RK: Oh my gentle Jesus

TOP 2ND, Royals Up 1

WV: Teahen crumpets has seen better defensive days huh

RK: I prefer Teahen cucumber sandwiches. But soft, what's this: offense?

WV: I guess a side effect of ammonia mist is throwing fast balls down the heart of the plate.


RK: You have got to be kidding me

WV: Watching Liriano trot out to the mound would've produced a similar amount of surprise

RK: Looks a little uh, rusty

WV: If KC had let that go into left field, they would've had a fighting chance of nailing RonDL at 1st

RK: And that's Moneyball


WV: I'm happy and all that the Royals got Gathright from Tampa, but trades between KC and the Devil Rays is like two Englishman teaching each other dental hygiene.


WV: Apparently the Royals are on to something with this Gathright fellow.


WV: Bonser fucked with DeJesus, but at least Mauer spiked him as he crossed home plate.


When your offense is as putrid as ours, you have to resort to calling 1-2-3 innings. Real daring there Bert, what's next? Predicting 3 ground outs next inning?


I'm not certain of what's more shocking, a RonDL sighting or an extra-base hit from Luis Rodriguez. This is about as exhilirating as a one run deficit to the Royals in the middle of a pennant race can get.

The next time L Rod, RonDL and Sandcastle are schedule to hit, remind me to take a power nap.


Well, if it weren't for fucking with DeJesus it'd still be a tie game. In any case, disregard all criticism of Joey Gathright emanating from this post tonight.


Monday, August 06, 2007


And He Can Just STAY In Puerto Rico!


One thing you should know about WV and me is that we're BFFs. Or BFFLs. Best friends forever versus best friends for life. Choose your side and fight! What? Anyway, I am fit to be tied, but enough about my personal life.

WV has been incommunicado for about 2 weeks now. I figured he was in MN. He's in Puerto Rico! Just tra-la-laing about! So perhaps you think, boy, how good of friends can they be? They don't even talk!

Our connection is pyschological symbiosis.

Also, I have a summer cold. Summer colds are proof positive that God exists and that he hates us.


Gordito's making me a little nervous already, just throw the damn ball. I know Tom Sizemore is a washed-up actor, but he's not a bad hitter. See, and there you get him out. Do you see what happens when you trust your defense, Larry? Do you see what happens when... OK, maybe you're not as big of a fan of The Big Lebowski as I am.

And once you do trust the good Dr. Morneau (remember when there was a real actual serious debate about whether Dougie Bubblegum's defensive prowess was enough to justify keeping Morneau down? Dr. J has flourished nicely - no offense Doug. Also, you should have given the ball back).


Well that was... uninspiring.


Hey, a RonDL sighting!

A Travis Hafner strikeout! I'm yelling!

In my head. My voice is weak, my throat is sore, but you know me, I can't complain.

Can someone 'splain to me why Silva is "The Chief?" Is this a club nickname or Dick, and tell me you can't picture this, sitting at the breakfast table with some sausage links and coffee, sorta thought, "Silva... Chief..." and then chuckled like he does. I bet he's the kinda guy who gets up at 6:00 every morning.

The misspelled Jhonny Peralta is showing some patience at the plate.

Cuddy, I have missed you so much, I'm extending to you an invitation to come to my BBQ in a couple of weeks. Or cookout if you prefer.

Silva is looking alright so far. I'll of course reserve judgment until he sees the order for the second time, but so far so good.


I smell offensivefutility.

Justin, it's time to break the slump! Put it in the upper deck! Or not. Just, what is that, 0-15 slump now? It's okay, I still have love for you.

Just because you didn't like the last call doesn't mean you have to swing at the next pitch, Torii. You have a Lacanian relationship with the umpire.


I'm gonna get serious for a bit. I'm stewing over writing an article for a journal about this, the linguistic roadblocks we set up for ourselves. Let me explain: Dick just got the reaction from Mr. Lamb of "Everything that happened." What he means, of course, is the 35W bridge collapse. Loyal readers will remember that I'm a grad student at Virginia Tech, and I hear a lot of that - "everything that happened." And I wonder if that's really the best way to talk about these tragedies. Everything is always already happening - not to get too Hegelian. But a horse race didn't break out in Minneapolis, there wasn't a pie eating contest. One specific thing happened. Why don't we give voice to that one specific thing? Why set up the roadblock?

But Punto - wow.


Kubel Khan gets things started off right and the beermaker moves him on the fly. I feel like this is a must-score situation. Not that I want another 1-0 game, but it seems run may be at a premium.

Dammit dammit dammit dammit. Could it be that the other piece of the Triune Jasoncreature isn't playing today? They're stronger than the sum of their parts!


Well I picked a fine half inning to make dinner. With the exception of the DP by not Nick Punto, that was an inning to forget. Remember the thing about the second time through the order? Yeesh.

Stacey and Jensen, your anticipation is palpable. My plans are contingent on my schedule next year. If it all works out, I'll have 6-day weekends. Then coming to MSP shouldn't be a problem.


Hey, wha-happen? Boo-urns.


All I did was help a friend take up two boxes to his apartment in the same complex as me and all of a sudden we've blown through an entire inning. Morneau, break your slump!




There it is Bert. Thank you so much for the "Hi ho Silva!" I kinda needed that. I barely have time to blow my nose though and the inning's over.

Hey, ordinarily I don't like to promote anything except myself, but I feel compelled to tell you, if you don't already, that you should listen to TV on the Radio. I've been listening to their latest album for a full year now and I'm still not sick of it. Just saying.


I don't know if public speaking is in Cuddyer's future.

Oh hey, look, 2 quick I mean 3 quick outs!


Hey, at least Detroit has re-taken the lead!

I'm just gonna start typing before the inning starts because it'll probably last 19 seconds. Y'know what can bug me sometimes? People who don't use punctuation when they're trying to get a point across.

Well shit.

Um, plz to be haz kthxbai!

Maybe it's better that I'm not watching.

Not bad damage control, but you start to slip into an existential funk when you realize that you can't win the game unless your team scores more than the opposing team. For that, they have to like, have patience at the plate, hit it to the gaps, turn on fastballs, and other things there seem to be a dearth of in the Twins dugout.


I'm so mad I could spit. Let me recall a funny Toothpaste for Dinner comic and paraphrase it for you here:

Panflute: do you need one? --> yes. --> no.




Wednesday, August 01, 2007


There Are Always Bigger Things

Hey everybody, sorry I didn't post an open thread, but I was sorta on a date. And then I get back and see that a highway bridge collapsed into the Mississippi River. Our thoughts are with those who are deceased, their families, their friends, and their communities. These are tough things to deal with existentially, because there are no answers to the question "Why?"

There are bigger things than baseball. Not many, but this is one of them.

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