Sunday, August 31, 2008


The Sickness Unto Oakland


Labor Day weekend is supposed to be centered on relaxation, smoked meat and cheaply made beer emanating from Wisconsin and Belgium (by way of St. Louis, MO). Well, under that logic, I should by all means skip this game. After all, Labor Day celebrates the end of summer, but paradoxically the 2 warmest months in the Bay Area are just beginning. Similarly, this Labor Day will eschew rest in favor of consternation. The blog's title, after all, is not a reference to the band Disturbed, but to Kierkegaard. Let the despair ensue.


Smith, with 13 losses, clearly proves that the SF/Oakland metro area is where left handed pitching goes to die. Hopefully his Zito impression will persist (though kudos to Oakland for spending far fewer greenbacks in their quest for southpaw inadequacy).

Dr. Yes--Filling whatever prescription it is that cures ass-bat-itus. A little luck, a little science and the result is a elixir of 1 to 0.


Like analog media in the digital age, Buscher's utility has disappeared during this interminable stretch against left-handid pitching. His last 2 ABs against lefties, however, have resulted in hits, so......

SANDCASTLE POWER. That's one way to break out of his post-tendon tearing slump.

Span, reminding everyone of Cargo's exiled lead-off regime, K's for a second time.


Well, Scotty. A fine mess you'd be in if Dlmon didn't have a flash of fielding brilliance. YOU OWE HIM JIMMY JOHN'S.

This strike zone is shrinking up like a scared tortoise retreating into its shell. Mr. Emmel, my eye's on you. As a lefty myself I do like preferential treatment, but not on this laborious day.

Aaron Cunningham, the long lost Jonas brother now playing dress-up with the Oakland A's. A steady stream of high fastballs, por favor.

Lead-off double stranded at 2nd, natch.


A'S COLOR GUY: "Between Gladden and Bert Blyleven, you'll probably laugh....4 or 5 times each telecast." It's true! It's backed up by an article in the New England Journal of Medicine.

That comment only serves to highlight the dullards that I'm subjected to, being stuck with an away market broadcast. Seriously, nitrous oxide and a guest appearance by the guys at FJM couldn't save this ennui fest.


To evidentiate this claim to tedium, most of the excitement provided this inning comes from footage of some kid announcing the upcoming hitters. Now, this practice is pretty widespread, and I wonder, why? Wouldn't getting a monkey that does sign language or a Peter Frampton cover artist be an improvement? Perhaps I'm simply a misanthrope. Though, Peter Frampton cover artists are bona fide human beings.

Judging from the infielders' reactions to each and every pop-up, you might think this game were being played on the surface of Mercury. But no, just Oakland.

Also, someone explain in very simple terms the meaning behind "1-2-3 inning" to Baker.


Dlmon and Dharma from that shame of the late '90's Dharma and Greg are both free [swinging] spirits, and not by accident, both are also extremely irritating.

Redmon earns his West Coast Road Marathon stripes with his GIDP.


Contrary to popular belief, Kurt Suzuki can be retired, though it takes a non-display of the obtuseness of the new replay system to do it.

Like when someone hits their head and momentarily speaks fluent German, Dlmon quickly reverts to his clownish fielding self. Luckily, Casilla keeps the damage to 1 run with a diving tag better suited for a game of 2-hand touch.

I guess it takes a while for concepts like the convoluted "1-2-3 inning" to seep into Baker's skull.


OK Rocket Bats, their guy gets it, now let's see an inning "without a hit or a walk or a reached base by way of an error" from you.


Moments after Span makes a sliding catch in shallow left field...

Dlmon: What the hell was that!

Denard: Uh, that's called adept fielding and covering a lot of ground.

Dlmon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. There's more to baseball than lunging at first pitches?

Also, after another 3,000 pitch inning, Baker's pitch count and the national debt are in a neck and neck race to see who can reach infinity first.


DR. NEAU----Dealing in some seriously good ass bat medicine. The baseball season, like the home run derby, is a marathon and not a sprint. And before you know it, Morneau's '08 numbers will be better than everyone's favorite prodigal son, Josh Hamilton. And more importantly, his team is in contention.

And the floodgates shall be opened. Foulke comes in, and this dalliance with right-handed pitching must seem like an 80 degree day in January to the Twins' 9.


With the Yankees' loss today, they're now 12.5 out of first. I'm not content with them missing the playoffs---I want last place, baby.

It took a 7 run cushion, but God bless it, we got that 1-2-3 inning.


Thursday, August 28, 2008


Things Are Aligning Nicely


All the right teams seem to be winning. The Yankees won (did I just type that?), the Rays are on the verge of beating the Azure birds, and the Twins, with a win, can move .5 games back of the Bitch Sox.

Like Fire Joe Morgan, I love Alex Rodriguez. He is an amazing player, and probably the best baseball player in the history of the sport. Anyway, I put my stats geek cap on to show a friend and avid NYY fan that A-Rod does not indeed "suck" and that he is the best ball player in the history of the game, and there's no such thing as "clutch" and stop it with the Jeter worship already. Jeter made a catch and an assist on a weird play to get a slide-averting Jeremy Giambi. So what?

Anyway, tonight will hopefully be the night that Blackburn wins ten. What, you want to watch Obama's speech at the DNC? Please, this is gonna be SO much more interesting.


RK: The Rays are about to win. That's good because it lowers the Yankees elimination number. I felt weird hoping they would win today. And the Rays did it

KK: I just feel weird in general , actually. When it comes to who to cheer for and stuff. Yeah. Oh does the instant replay thingy at the twins game?

RK: And in the "second to worst" race between the Mariners and the Nationals, PaB reader and contributor TL will be happy to know that the Nats are pounding the fightin' Torres

KK: Oh this excites me. I bet you they wont use it tonight.

RK: Yeah, they probably won't

KK: I always forget the Nationals are a team. I miss the expos.

RK: I appreciate the Nats on the level that I can actually go to an MLB game at a beautiful park when I'm up in DC

KK: Thats sad such a pretty park yet such a horrible team.

RK: They keep giving Guzman more money, which I don't get

KK: Because he's the best player on that team duh. That doesn't mean hes GOOD.

RK: No uh, they have that one guy... errrr... yeah, I dunno

KK: Yeah the guy whos tall

RK: Dana Eveland? Wasn't she in the short lived Aaron Sorkin dramedy "Sports Night"?

KK: I like-a ta do tha cha-cha. Esp when Span is gracing my television screen. I wish I could hear Bert right now. I'm having blyleven withdrawls.

WV: "Except for Bert Blyleven, they must've all thought it would be freezing, wearing jackets.". The A's announcers know something we don't: Bert's interest in California meteorology.

RK: I am digging this Bert love from the A's guys

WV: Patterson is going to sink this bitch.

RK: I've been to Paterson. It's a piece of shit

KK: Everytime I look up to see the game, the guy awkwardly smiles at me thinking I 'm looking at him. All I know Spanalot is on first.

RK: Oh I've made that mistake before, thinking a girl is checking me out, but she's just watching the bartender twirl bottles. It's awesome. But we'd be here all night if I had to tell all my embarrassing bar stories

KK: I spy with my eye uuullggerrr touching his chest area.

RK: I like this AB by the little sandcastle that could

WV: It's written in the RAGNAROK annals that we are to win this game, since 1/2 a game out is our preferred milieu

RK: Patterson is, so far, one of the victims of the prophecy

KK: Halfsies is the way to go

RK: The time has come for OMG to go yard... Well that'll work too

WV: Well that's a damn shame.

RK: "And the Twins do not score." A familiar refrain


KK: Why do I feel as if Blackburn is slowly sucking more and more? Is it just me?

RK: Yes. I still have faith in the dread pirate Blackburn

WV: I do too, but it seems like his good luck is taking a turn towards the law of averages. But uh, Obama just told us that we're not a nation of whiners, so I'll can it.


KK: Someone stole my funny bone, and I think it's blackburns pitching.

RK: Yeah, I'm alternating my gaze between this and a roll of packing tape, and both are equally enthralling

KK: frank da tannnnnk. You are old. And he looks very very verrrry angry.

RK: He looks very double play-ey

KK: Or pop up-y

RK: Yeah, replay's a good idea guys, I get it already

WV: TECHNOLOGY! I think on an infield fly call I'd let the ball drop every time, just for shits and giggles.

RK: Science, industry, and technology! See men, turning things! Ad-justing them! Build your own atom storage box! Fits all Snapple lids, bottles or jars, and it really really works

WV: Sweeney: "I'll see your line drive out with RISP and raise you one."

RK: Nibbish, it's true, like T. Hawk, Cammy, DeeJay, and uh... Fei Long, there are newcomers to PaB Sports Media. Incorporated. All Rights Reserved. Void in Utah.


RK: I wonder at what point people will tire of my MST3K references

KK: Can I just say I really enjoy hearing australian men say my name? I just want to throw that out there.

RK: Duuuuubious strike call

KK: Wait...the inning is over? WHAT THE....well fiddle my bibbler and call me sanchez!

WV: Sure thing, Kahhhhhleee.

RK: ZZzzzZZZzzz

WV: That's Australian by the way... Aussie rules English


KK: SEE, you KNOW the australian accent. kudos. and veggiemite. annnnd..kangaroos. I wish my name was spelt Kahlee.

WV: Hey, just think to yourself: "Yes we can!"

KK: Just because I can hear guys call me that ALL DAY. Im going to change my name like boof did but it sounds sexy.

RK: That reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the dude rips the heart out the other dude and chants "Kahlima sedide!"

RK: But then, everything reminds me of that.

KK: Oh yeah, Gomey makes my heart skip a beat whenever a ball is hit towards him. I wish there was a pill you could take for that. And why does gomez have a glove on his throwing arm? More...grip?

RK: Nibbish, I kinda miss Telly, Tellying it like it is

WV: So if Oakland gets to send down their outfielder named Carlos, why can't we do the same for our namesake.

RK: Well, Span is already up... so who do you call?

WV: Telly's office has been moved into the basement of the Dome where he's furtively searching for his red stapler.

KK: Telly likes free in and out burger paid for by his best buddie ever dick bremmer. Uh...ghost busters?

WV: Yikes, have to love that 2-seamer.

RK: Is it weird that I remember all 4 Ghostbusters full names?


WV: Not at all. Winston was originally supposed to be played by Eddie Murphey, and I'm not saying that because he's...........funny. It's true.

KK: I think it was waaay more weird that you remembered the names from captain planet. But I love you for it, so no. It isnt weird.

RK: Eddie Murphy was pretty funny back in '84 son

WV: Well I was insinuating black. There, I said it.

KK: Pinko the monster .390 avg past ten games is up.

RK: Oh, well not that Ernie Hudson isn't sufficiently funny

KK: That Pinko is somethin' else. And Eddie Murphy would of been better, I'll throw it out there.

RK: But it might have had the same effect Jim Carrey as The Riddler in Batman Forever, where the movie becomes the Eddie Murphy show

RK: I'm pretty sure Eddie Murphy is in the equally awesome Ghostbusters muzak video. I'll watch it during the break WHICH WILL BE SOON BECAUSE OF THE DOUBLE PLAY


RK: When you're watching this video, you really believe Ray Parker Jr. when he tells you he ain't fraid of no ghosts

KK: Blackburns awkward approach towards pitching leaves us speechless.

RK: Hm? Oh, I'm watching Ghostbuster videos

KK: I shit you not I glanced up at the tv and thought mauer was pitching. This whole look-a-like thing must stop.

RK: Charlie Murphy is the in Ghostbusters muzak video, so that's good

KK: Thank you Blackburn for sitting that bitch down. now I'll see three of our hitters in a matter of 4 minutes then back to a fun 15 minute sesh with Blackburn.

RK: Done


WV: And btw, the elephant in the room is clearly that we haven't discussed Cristian Guzman hitting for the cycle. Next up: A Lohse no-hitter.

RK: A Rivas multi-hit game?

RK: Aflac answer: Eckersly, Oil Can Boyd, Ty Cobb and the Earl of Winchester

WV: Did Nathan? Denny's was pretty close once

RK: Yeah maybe. Not only am I watching the game in the past the audio is a second ahead of the video

WV: Nice


RK: I guess I should be happy because this game is going quickly, right?

WV: *yawn* is it the 9th yet?

RK: I like to watch old 20/20s on We (screw you) I giggle when they say "20/20... on We" because i think ennui, and then yes, you're right, that's what 20/20 does

RK: Well slap my ass and call me Judy, the sampler platter is on that list

WV: Well this isn't going well.

RK: Not again guys. I feel like my staying up extra late should be rewarded

KK: I look up twitching thinking I might see nick swishers ugly mug but alas, he isn't on that team anymore.

WV: Well, that web gem was worth seeing despite the run.

KK: I just pissed my pants with excitement.


KK: Delmon Young looked bewildered right there. I would be too.

RK: I think I'm gonna go to Charlotte this weekend

RK: Nibbish: NO


WV: So this is what Sartre was writing about when he penned La Nausee.

Apologies to WV and KK, I just didn't feel like transcribing this half inning. I'll do better from now on


RK: Is Bert talking about the foul territory at the Coliseum yet?

KK: I can see gomez saying this quote from the big lebowski "You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up" Oh I bet he has.

WV: Quick, someone tell Span to steal 2nd before we hit into a DP.

KK: Hahaha, Casilla says "double this"

RK: Thank you, A's defense

KK: Or lack thereof

KK: I think Joe Mauer is still growing. I think I come up to his knee cap if I'm not mistaken.

RK: He eats more calories/day than Michael Phelps to keep his sideburns strong

WV: No Nibbish, don't you dare say it

KK: Was that a double steal? What did I miss whilst I was giggling away by your phelps comment.

RK: Yeah, double steal, and Rob Bowen (former Twin!) couldn't make a strong enough (Mauerian?) throw

RK: OK Doctor Neau, if there ever was a time

WV: But to prove that he could throw it to 3rd if he wanted to, he tried to get Span the next pitch.

KK: Bwa-ah-ah-ah. One RBI. ah ah ah...two RBI ah ah ah. three RBI ah ah ah four RBI ah ah ah. I'm hinting for a Morneau grand slammy.

KK: Now we have a game my friends.

RK: You gotta take what you can get

WV: True, but in the words of Black Flag, gimme gimme gimme, I need some more.

RK: And in the words of Eddie Murphy, my girl likes to party all the time, party all the time party all the tiiiiiime


WV: I see what the WWL in food is doing by putting food detectives next to good eats, but I'm not fooled.

RK: I feel like I should like that show. I keep trying. It just sucks

RK: Oh my stars, the Coors Light Freeze Cam is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen

WV: A replay opportunity? No

KK: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

WV: An interesting strike zone, I must say.

KK: It is all over the place

RK: The K-zone is certainly Joe Morgan's favorite word

KK: Welcome to the K-zone. Pinkos are welcome.

WV: It's called the warning track because after pitches like that you say to Blackburn, "hey! watch the fuck out!"

KK: Yeah that ball hung in the air way too long, I almost tipped over my water with no ice.

RK: No. I refuse to accept this reality

KK: I told you. Now I need to pillage someones village. Argh.

WV: No need to accept what you saw, it's the world of appearances deceiving you.

RK: This isn't rational, and the real is the rational :. this isn't real

WV: This ghostbusters video is super rad, by the way.

KK: You're confusing me so much I don't even know where I am anymore. Sampler Platter to save the day.

WV: I aint afraid of no ghosts, but I am terrified of Ray Parker, Jr.

KK: I am also terrified of boof bonser warming up.


WV: Spencer's Gifts took their interior decorating cue from the funky house in this video.

RK: "Delmon Young swings at the first pitch" Well... duh

KK: Nice one sweeney todd. DLM YNG.

RK: Well at least Harris moved Young over

KK: Uh, where was that pitch supposed to go? That was twice the height of Pinko... Pinko power!

RK: My late night may be salvaged yet! I'm so old. I go to bed at 11 and get up with the sun and then eat my cereal and read the paper

KK: HUSTLE! Oh wow, he slides into Australia like a godess.

RK: Stone Cold will knock him in

KK: At least we are tied, thanks to that super cute short guy.....ya know the one with the bunny teeth? Big ears? Could have been a extra in lord of the rings? Yeah him.


WV: Being the answer to an Aflca trivia question has to be one of the career highs on the back of Dennys' Topps card.

RK: Also "Looks like Eddie Guardado"

RK: Aaaand my feed went out

WV: Feed stop working:: Boof Bonser enters game :: Boof Bonser is unwatchable.

RK: That is rock solid logic

KK: Wow, Boof did work

RK: And my feed came back


RK: This looks like a good time to strike at this point in the order

RK: Not strike out Lexi

KK: Mauers bunt looked like when I played tee ball.

WV: Some Mauer Pauer would be welcome, and due.

RK: A man who's 10 feet tall should not be bunting

KK: Nice OBP, M&M boys

RK: Morneau best hit one out the park

ALL: (redacted)


RK: And to think I could be up in Boston at the APSA convention. No, wait, even this is better than that

WV: That was on the Cust of...being outta here.

RK: Ha! Cheap haircuts at Super Cust

WV: Right, in no way was that a Cust-om fly ball.

KK: Yeah, I was close to spitting out my water. When he hit it a piece of my heart broke off. Boof is professor coldheart.

RK: Is Cust our new Garko?

WV: He is, by vote of acclamation.


RK: Dude, Boof is c-c-c-c-coming like a nightmare


RK: Jason Kubel: ballgame... er, well, that didn't go according to plan

WV: Delmon pretending to bunt is like me acting like I speak quechua.

RK: Psh, I can speak quecha

KK: Every time Delmon bunts an angel loses its wings, a kitten dies, and I guess he eventually gets walked.

RK: I'll take that tradeoff

WV: I wonder if Rob Bowen is feeling at all disrespected this evening. I guess we won't know until Randy Ruiz tries to steal and Bowen makes a beeline for Gardy's head.

RK: We'll never know now that Ruiz is out the game

RK: Never fear, Punto, the RBI machine, is on deck

KK: Oh yes he is. He hits singles like...........*pause* or just hit into a double play.

RK: Oh this is some bullshit


KK: They are giving me heart burn aghhhhh.

WV: Why does Breslow get the call and not Guardado.

KK: See that douchebag in the background with sunglasses on? Of course he's a damn A's fan.

RK: Breslow calling for the catcher does not instill a great deal of confidence

KK: Oh, so you put in CRAIN!?

RK: Should I just go to bed now?

WV: Gardy, tell me tell me what you're after. I just wanna get there faster.

RK: Jesus, a Siva reference. Now that's going back 1991 style

KK: Gardy is just as confusing as.....saying the alphabet backwards balancing on a grain of rice.

RK: Nibbish, I can't think of anything that would make me want to eat at BK, so maybe they're just going for broke

RK: Brown so went on that pitch

WV: That about sums it up. Get out of my head! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

KK: Fuck!

RK: I'm too tired to be mad

WV: Say what you will about Breslow and Crain, we need more than 2 runs in 9 innings.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


More Trials and Tribulations


Before these announcers put me to sleep, I have to share the latest injustice that has occurred. Here's the story. Recently, I ordered Thomas Frank's "The Wrecking Crew" because I like him a lot. Amazon for whatever reason shipped it to my old address in Blacksburg instead of my new place. So I called customer service and they shipped me a new copy overnight and assured me that my new address was my default for one-click shopping.

So today I ordered 40 or so books for various classes, and then I started getting the emails that my order was confirmed/shipped/whatever, and then I saw... MY OLD ADDRESS. But I used a bunch of 3rd party vendors for cheap used books, so I had to email all of them individually about this situation. Hopefully they can reroute the packages or the person in my old place is willing to hold onto the packages for me. Wish me the best.




"Base hit, I think." Haha, no! Not with Span out there! Believe!


Harris juuust missed it - boy, this game is really cruising! Especially when you're emailing book vendors. Yes.


Two walks in the game? This is very unacelike of Baker. That word looks weird. Perhaps I should hyphenate?

Well this isn't going well.

Guys, stop this. I need a win here tonight. Between the overzealous bike cop of last night and my debacle with amazon tonight, I need something to pick me up here.

I don't like tying my emotional well-being to a game of baseball, but I'm looking for good things here. That's all.

At least the M's are running themselves into outs. That's a good sign.

Now score some damn runs, guys!


Pinko starts the ball rolling for the whole scoring runs thing.

WV: Yo. You know I can't get enough of Hillary Clinton.

RK: I hear that

WV: But then, both Baker and Clinton are experts at falling short of expectations


WV: Twins' infield < Cheesecloth

RK: This season is reminding me of the 2001 collapse whoa that was quick


WV: Good memory--and I concur. If we can bring back Eddie, why not Rick Reed?

RK: Tony Fiore anybody?

RK: Barf

WV: I step away for 2 minutes and they're already out. Whatever this trend portends, it's not good.


RK: This is like getting shut down by Bautista... dammit

WV: The strange twist of irony last night was that the guy we didn't trade for single-handidly took it to us on the same day we released our "unenergetic" salt and pepper 3rd baseman.

RK: But let's be fair; the Beltre contract was too much to eat

WV: So if that trend is continuing, Lamb is somewhere sinking further into the gutter. Yeah. They dumped so much salary last offseason you'd think they could support 12 mil, but maybe it's a principle sort of thing.

RK: He's not good enough for the money they would have had to pay. I can see that

WV: It will be interesting to see if the new stadium revenue actually translates into any payroll increases in the next couple of years. Pirates fans (if there are any) probably know the answer to this.

RK: All the money in the world still needs a good owner and front office. The Yankees have the former, the Twins have the latter. The Pirates have neither

RK: That could have been worse. Much worse.


WV: Swinging at ball 4 after working a full count is a curious strategy there...I mean, OMG Nick Punto.

RK: Yeah, you could tell by the way he was hanging his head he knows what he did

WV: My strongest reaction wasn't that Gomez's shot went foul but that Trader Joe's advertises in a MLB ballpark. I feel somewhat awkward, like when I first drank with my father.

RK: You'd think word of mouf would be enough for TJ's

WV: Let's face it, not everyone has the balls to be Ikea.

RK: Dude, I get a catalog from them about twice a week


Sorry, WV and I were chatting about books. He feels my amazonian pain. And unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm part of a BDSM underground society with tall women.


(Well, talking about Hegel is more fun than this game right now)

WV: Let's do a test: All I've Learned from Hegel Spirit is that capitalizing Spirit words in The middle of Spirit sentences adds Spirit instant credibility... See?

RK: Absolutely. Heh, Absolutely.

RK: You can't keep OMG down for long

RK: Errrm, why the hell is Kubel not in this game?

WV: It's OK I didn't want a big inning anyway... Kubel be damned!

RK: Morneau should give that RBI back

WV: "I'm Randy Ruiz, bitch!"

RK: "I'm 30!"

WV: He's a lot like us, getting his first job at the age of 30.

RK: Academe is a glistening prospect on the horizon

WV: It is. In the meantime, let's bask in our sesquipedality.

RK: Oh, apparently you don't get an RBI if you GIDP


WV: Gosh, you didn't even need an editor to catch that one. RK > Staff of Strib.

RK: Yeah, Gameday is my editor.

WV: A magician never reveals his tricks! I mean illusions!

RK: Tricks are something whores do.... for money!

RK: Scott is selflessly trying to give up the lead

WV: Hasn't this sequence occurred 4 or 5 times this series already.

RK: I feel like Bill Murray, but y'know, the real hell of that movie is having to chase Andy McDowell

WV: She could've had her dream role in Ratatouille but they had to go and animate it.

RK: I see what you did there


RK: Sigh, I just don't care anymore. I could really use a victory here in a dark hour for me, but Scott Baker, there's just no reasoning with him

WV: But making fun of Andy McDowell was a blast.

RK: It's almost too easy. It's like sending up Chris Matthews or something


WV: Hey, Brendan Harris still plays for us.

RK: Who the hell is Brendan Harris?

KK: I just got back from almost being attacked by a freaking racoon down by minehaha falls and I come home to these shenanigans?....whoa Punto. Karlee likey when your mad-y.

RK: Raccoons are vicious little bastards. I don't know this from experience, but let's not get epistemological here

KK: Raccoons scare me, it kinda chased me down the stairs, but I think it was just running away from my friend chasing it. Confusing. Maybe if I chase around baseball players they will eventually make it around the bases.

WV: I've always preferred logos to epistemes anyways.

RK: Gomez genuflects to the Whiffing Gods

KK: I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. That was just disgusting Cargo.


WV: Baker is getting hit on more than a stripper at a stag party.

RK: As these games get later and later, I really start to despise the West Coast

WV: I pictured you saying that in the same tone as Tim Armstrong when he screeches that California should fall into the fucking ocean.

RK: WV are you seeing this? In the year 20002, Ichiro led the league in hits!

KK: Them and and out burgers and the need for me to want to bring over the bubonic plague via in and out burgers. But it costs $1.01 extra if you want it added to your double double. wow, I KNEW ICHIRO WAS a cyborg alien! year 20002 in the crab nebula sector etz-123q.

WV: And if you want to specialize your order at In-N-0ut you have to use their cryptic language.

RK: Baker, if you don't induce this double play, Elrond is gonna be pissed and you'll get no lemnas in Rivendell!

KK: Yeah, which is Arabic backward with sign language.

RK: You know what will save you from the insular In-N-Out? Wait till Five Guys gets out there. Same concept, less insider-oriented

RK: Welp, I'm 26... On the East Coast anyway. I'm gonna drink some Geritol and pull my socks up to my knees.

WV: Hopefully the Twins will give you a generous gift and score some runs.

WV: And don't forget your stone-washed Lees.

KK: You have to wear black socks with black penny loafers, and khaki shorts and an ugly golf tee. Do work son.

RK: Thankfully, I have only black socks and none of those other things. They don't call me Style for nothing

WV: Nothing but black socks, why you're Donald Draper. Do you see what I did there? I communicated my sophisticated cultural leanings by suggesting that I watch Mad Men.

RK: I've never seen it, but I've read The Conquest of Cool, so I know all about the 60s Madison Avenue insanity!

KK: I like cherry juice? Sorry thats all I got the raccoon spooked the funny out of me.

RK: Cherry is an underrated juice.

KK: Yes, that and Pineapple. I drink them everyday and I will live to be 134. Watch out.

RK: Silly person, the world will fry to death from climate change before that happens

KK: This is how un interested I am in this game, Im speaking of juice.

RK: Also the end of humanity!

RK: I can't get over the fact that this is Raul Ibanez. As in Raul Ibanez. Of the Royals. Rah-Ool Ee-Bahn-Yezz

WV: I stepped away for a second and gracious am I confused.

WV: I have the sound turned off and judging from the camera work there I was sure it was gone.

RK: This game shouldn't be as close as it is and the Twins I know would exploit that fact


KK: Very briefly I thought of kicking you in the mouth, Dick Bremmer.

RK: You need to share this information with we who get the Seattle feed.

KK: He was like "Very briefly, the Twins were ahead." But they weren't.

RK: Let's see what OMG can do!

KK: OMG can you like, OMG? omg... OMG double play? No

RK: Isn't there a camp in Northwest Minnesota at lake Corcoran?

KK: wakey wakey canadian bakey better go yard.

RK: If he does, it'll truly be the Age of Miracles

WV: He certainly tried to

KK: I'll turn on dream weaver and start doing the slow clap if he goes yard.

RK: I'm such a dork. I was thinking Adobe Dreamweaver

KK: Yep.

WV: That's bold Karlee. I would only do that on a triple that advances home on a throwing error.

KK: Justin Morneaus legs say: I can't go fast.

RK: He's built for comfort, not speed

WV: Goalies were always excused from speed drills.


RK: Stacey, I know, right? These announcers are such unoffensive bastards. Their even keelness makes me loathe them

WV: And you guys rawk for sticking Dreamweaver in my head. Luckily the new Franz Ferdinand single will swoop in to save the day.

RK: Taco Del Mar? Is that any good? I like tacos

WV: Taco Del Mar < Taco John's < Taco Bell

RK: TAKE ME OUT. The Verve have a new album out. Can you believe that?

KK: Wow, really? So does Rush, lulz

WV: Speaking of Canada, close race between Rush and the Tragically Hip.

RK: Broken Social Scene is up there in indie cred

WV: Good thing this game is so riveting

RK: Sometimes I'll spend a good hour watching Rush videos on the youtube

KK: I give them indie scarf points. Im speaking in code. Oh good band: "someone still loves you boris yeltsin" Alright how do you think this game is going to end? Any guess?

RK: This is what entropy looks like. Everything will just stop

KK: I think soviet russia is going to take over first base so there is no possible way we'll be able to even get on base. First base = Georgia

RK: Geopoliticized!


KK: J.J Putz-in-on-the-ritz.

RK: And now that song is in my head

KK: Jason Rubix Kubes. Ya know that guy who has such an amazing record against the mariners? Yeah that guy who will probably strike out and make me cry in my cherry juice.

KK: Excuse me while I gag up my spleen since the game is on the line and it's punto or nuffin'.

RK: Pinko will come through

WV: And the game comes down to Everett on 1st and Punto at the plate. Hey, who wouldn't like these odds.

KK: Ouch

WV: Sorry, OMG. Sigh.


RK: Seriously, the boys are on notice

RK: Stacey, it warms my heart that "anger salad" on the google brings you to PaB first.

Tomorrow (today) is my birthday, so guys, win one. For me?

Monday, August 25, 2008


Every 4.5 Years Eddie


As the title suggests, the Twins bolstered their 'pen today. Some may see it as a wise move, or some could see Mr. Guardado as a walking Viola whose elbow has been reclassified as "volatile projectile". Luckily, all we gave up was some guy named Mark Burger King.

Up for us is another guy with elbow problems of his own, and thanks to a game that took 4 months to complete, we enter action in a deadlock with the Bitch Sox for first place.


The peripheral damages to this extended road trip reach beyond the playing surface. Us denizens of serfdom are utterly Bert-less. Just 10 more games. 10 more games.


A little surprising to see Eddie already here. How on Earth was he able to detach himself from the awesomeness of Josh Hamilton? He should send ESPN whatever he's taking.

RK: Let me point out that there are few things more humiliating than being pulled over by the police when you're on a bicycle. I'll admit that I wasn't following the letter of the law. I took a shortcut going the wrong way down a one way and didn't have a front reflector.

RK: But saying that, I also understand that of all the evils besetting blacksburg at this wicked hour, a rogue cyclist trying to get home shouldn't be at the top of that list

RK: Also, one of these announcers sounds positively octogenarian

WV: He does, but it provided a seamless transition from Ted Kennedy's speech.

RK: He's still alive?

RK: Too soon?

RK: I'm a little bitter tonight.


WV: I usually ignore the MLB news feed, but I'm intrigued by "Where are they now? Steve Sax".

WV: In a close second with "Where are they now? Ron Karkovice".

RK: Y'know what would get my interest? Where is Les Straker

RK: Oh, Mike Lambda is no longer with the organization

WV: August is in like a lion, but out like a Lamb.


RK: Seriously, who is this announcer? I half expect him to tell me to get off his lawn

WV: When he said Jojima's name I had similar sentiments.

RK: Kenji seems like a name that would be in a 4th grade book about tolerance and magic modes of transportation

WV: Maybe they hired someone from hospice care to match the funereal atmosphere of this empty stadium.

RK: Well, there's always the Supersonics OH WAIT

WV: You could've gone Pilots there but you're all about being too soon this evening.

RK: I'm in a rare state of seething


RK: I think the pace dictated by the announcers is making this go by veeeeery slowly

WV: My image of the octogenarian is now strikingly similar to Bill Slowsky.

RK: Mine is a combination of John McCain and Jack Cafferty

WV: Slowsky is taking a keen interest in this Cubs discussion, seeing as how he remembers the last time they won the series.

RK: I'd like to have Thanksgiving dinner with this guy

RK: Wow, 5 of the Twins hitters have .300+ BAs

WV: One of those aforementioned hitters just put us ahead.

RK: Haha, lucky news for Span. Holy hell was he out if Burke hung on to that

WV: Ichiro's only error, really, is playing for Seattle.

RK: But maybe he fits in a non-pressure cooker situation ala Vlad Guerrero


WV: This is a frickin' lazy AFLAC trivia question.

WV: Tomorrow: "Which team from Milwaukee plays in the NL Central?"

RK: I missed it, what was the question?

WV: "Which team has the best record in the majors?"

RK: Smartass answer: 2001 Mariners and 1906 Cubs

WV: I suppose I should look at the game. Well, I don't mind seeing Beltre up with 2 out

RK: Generally when you throw 63 pitches in 3 innings you're not pitching a shutout, but I'll take it nonetheless.


WV: Prior to coming out for his 1-2-3 inning, someone whispered to Liriano that pitch counts weren't scored the same way as the Stableford Scoring system.


WV: Remember when Liriano would just strike everyone out?

RK: Oh yeah, he should do that more

WV: Well, kudos to him for getting out of it, with no thanks whatsoever to Sandcastle.


RK: Joe can't be oh-fer forever against the Mariners

WV: The law of averages is on our side.

WV: Another K. I'm starting to miss the Metrodome.

RK: Although every day I'm reminded of the laws of both gravity and time only moving in one direction

WV: It's not the Angels, so Dr. Neau can hit it

RK: Smart money says Delmon manages to go 0-1 right away in this AB?

WV: In spectacular fashion!

RK: Yeah, I mean, even I wasn't expecting the swing to avoid being clocked.


RK: What's going on here? Isn't this the same Miguel Bautista who couldn't pitch for the Pirates, etc?

WV: He of the 6.35 ERA.

RK: We should have like 4 runs right now!

WV: OK, so everything is even with the cosmos now after Kubel's non-homer yesterday.

RK: That foul ball by Lopez was close. God's in his kingdom, as the hagiographers would say


WV: I'm not going to lie, I won't miss Bautista. But hey, did you know Chris from the Family Guy also pitched?

RK: But he can't pitch on Saturdays

RK: Haha, really? The Mariners guys are talking about the mess of starting pitching going on in the Yankee clubhouse?

WV: Next, they'll critique kitsch public monuments with rooftop restaurants.

RK: Physician, heal thyself, and all that


RK: Wow, seeing Eddie warming up makes me think I need to finish my senior thesis so I can graduate on time

WV: Hahahah

RK: Tom Morello will now play a solo out in left

RK: Uh oh, OMG's hit streak may be over

WV: This will only reinforce Kubel's status as Zeus in the minds of Seattle broadcasting teams.

RK: Hey, two ducks on, time for a homer for D'Young!

WV: Single, that'll work.

RK: No complaints here

WV: Buscher's not exactly fleet afoot, huh?


WV: I hope Eddie doesn't make me remember that he was also known as "Heart Attack Guardado".

RK: I'm far too tired for excitement right now. I'm gonna crawl in my sock drawer, and sleep for days (high 5 for who gets that)

RK: I mean, I'll wait till the game is over. Lest our phantom readers fret

WV: All sorts of references to the end of the century 'round here.


WV: Eddie looks more like my father than a professional baseball player.

RK: I think he and Reyes should switch jerseys one day and see if anyone notices

WV: Guardado is slated to get the revolving old codger locker formerly occupied by Terry Mulholland and Jesse Orosco.

RK: And Bon Jovi, even though he's what, 29?


RK; Looking ahead, I often try to root for one team in every game. Makes things more interesting. But now, when the Yankees play the Red Sox, I just root for a lightning storm

WV: You can see what's lost when one's in last place; I mean, not a single Roger Lodge promotion.

RK: To be fair, Roger Lodge works for a local AM station out of LA

WV: The spinning flub shot Gomez just patented is incidentally how I like to tee off when golfing. You know, the once a decade times that I do it.

RK: Don't blame the messenger! OK, that was a little cheap and easy, but screw you, it's almost 1 in the am here

RK: I golf a beer a hole. Always ends well

RK: .....on 9 holes.


RK: Beltre hasn't had a lot to show since 2004, guys

RK: And I eat my hat

WV: Lead-off doubles are stranded all the time, right

RK: I wonder what the statistics are on that... I mean OMG Joe Mauer

WV: Sure, whatever happens, Nathan will look good doing it.


RK: Y'know what I don't get? How come married ladies on facebook use their maiden names in quotation marks? I mean, I understand the why, but it looks funny. Like, Jane "Johnson" Doe makes me wonder if that's some kind of alias or that maybe the reader isn't supposed to believe that

RK: : If I changed my name to R "Palischewski" K, it would look weird, right?


RK: Look, I'm entering new realms of consciousness here. I'm just staying awake to see where this goes


RK: "We are the last remaining game in progress in the Major Leagues right now." That was the case 2 hours ago, grandpa

WV: You've uh, got to be kidding me

RK: OK then.

WV: Well, you can now pass our cursing Canada.

RK: Now a full game back. I shaved my legs for this I mean stayed awake for this?

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Dear Science


WV is back from MN, and I'm doing some homework in re: Mills' The Sociological Imagination, so of course I'd like to take a break from that and blog a special weekend game. We spoil you so.

The title reflects the title of the new TV on the Radio album "Dear Science," and you can listen to their first single "Golden Age" at their website.

Anyway, does someone want to crunch the numbers to see if any leadoff man has gotten on more often than Span?

And then some terrible baserunning by the little sandcastle.

3-pitch K for OMG? This game started well, and quickly deteriorated.

Whew, the other JM knocked in Mr. Span. And that's 100 RsBI! Let's have a celebration! Doug Mientkiewicz is going to light the candles and clean up when everybody's done. And then keep the ball to pay for his kids' college educations.

That was mean, I love Dougie Pinetar.


Fignewton looks like someone and I can't think who it might be... There has never been a sentence so devoid of purpose. I'd like to thank me.


Why do the announcers keep saying that because it's an early start, balls will carry? Is this some meteorological truth of which I am unaware? Does it have to do with dew point, barometric pressure, or how many angels can dance to "Whoomp! There it is" on the head of a pin?

Perhaps it's because the Cubs always played day games and there are always tons of dingers. I'd point out in that instance that the measurements are Wrigley are about 12 feet down each line.

Anyway, Punto can't make them all, and that's OK, he's kinda short.

Torii, you gotta want it more. You might not have it in you.


RK: Not to keep bagging on Torii, but can we say that this is an example of an above average player who can't carry a team? Like, if Tex and Vlad weren't around, would he have the numbers he does? Could he make like Kirby and carry a team on his shoulders?

WV: If you combined Neverhit's arm with Aybar's glove skills you'd have the worst SS ever.

WV: Yeah, those are good questions. And I'm not sure if they are rhetorical, because they answer themselves.

RK: And that error will allow us to turn the lineup over. And if I were a strident NL fanboy in 1973, that would mean something

RK: Santanaganger is making CarGo look stupid

WV: I think instead of dwelling on the Twins lack of a trade deadline pick-up Hunter needs to ask why the Angels felt the need to go and get Tex. Gary Mathews Jr. could join him in that meditation.

RK: I hate it when people strike out on ball four


WV: It's Gary Matthews Jr.! Shh, don't scare him!

RK: Hey, [H]G[H]ary Matthews Jr.! Remember that catch? Steroids would have gotten you that extra 15 feet

WV: I have to say, I hand it to him for converting that one moment of blind luck into lifetime financial security.


WV: Is Span really 8 for 14 this series? Where did this guy come from? It's like he and Ichiro switched bodies a la Freaky Friday.

RK: I have a feeling Cuddy might be on the market this winter

WV: Whoever used to call him Ervin Magic Santana gets an F for creativity.

RK: And Matthews....pulls a Cuddy of his own and totally misplays that line drive. Remember that one catch??

WV: He sure better

RK: When he's in his 60s, he'll be telling his grandkids about how he hoodwinked the Angels into giving him a 55 million contract because he caught a ball and used HGH


WV: Throwing Cargo change-ups is like tormenting a cat with a laser pointer. Not only do they never learn, but it's such easy diversion.


WV: Isn't Bert an Angels alumnus? It doesn't look like they invited him to their party.

RK: Bert is at the alumni gathering, absolutely. Free food? He's tehre

RK: Oh, and it's nice to hear Roger Lodge has work after Blind Date was cancelled besides being on Jim Rome is Burning

WV: I'd go to Singles Night at Angels' stadium if Roger Lodge was there.

WV: So, when I wasn't in my right state of mind the other night I called Howie Mandel in Bobby's World an esoteric reference. I'd like to take that back, sorry for any hurt feelings there.

RK: That's OK, esoteric is one of those buzzwords used to describe someone in the humanities or social sciences who actually manages to sell more than 12 books

WV: And if Lew Ford were there, he'd certainly make a comment about questing and orcs in reference to getting out of that jam.


WV: It's a shame that all we can come up with is Roger Lodge but we're working with what they're giving us right

RK: I like Slowey making relatively quick work of these guys

RK: Red Sox won and Bitch Sox in extrees

6TH; LAAAAAAAAAA 1, Hennepin County Twins of Minneapois 3

No more shutout as Tex and Morneau trade jacks, but we stay up 2.

Torii against Twins this year: 5 for 32. That would be a schadenfreude martini served with a twist of lemon.


WV: I'd be wary of putting Reyes in today, what with the entire In-N-Out burger restaurant he swallowed earlier.

WV: Literally, the whole building.

RK: I don't blame him though. I'm the same way when I get the delicious In-N-Out

WV: Not to be confused with Nickelodeon's first foray into the movie business, "Good Burger"

RK: Mike from Naples is up, who isn't have a great year, but got a dinger in the first series of the season, so of course he's in

WV: Well that was ugly

RK: Not so great.

WV: Well, good thing Jim Sicilia and Tom Torino aren't on the bench ready to pinch hit.

WV: I used to pull that same move in Hackey Sack, the upside down face plant over Pinko's outstretched glove.

RK: I picked one of those up recently. I can still do the around the world jester

RK: Pinko owes Dr. Neau a pizza

WV: You know, I love Buscher to death but....

TOP 8TH, Hennepin County Twins of Minneapolis Up 1

RK: Oh, that's a dinger. Yknow how I know? Because it's my guy doing it

RK: What. The. Fuck. Well OK it wasn't a homer

WV: "I'm not a fan of replay, except for plays like that."

WV: You mean, plays where replay would be useful and make a measurable difference in the outcome of a game?

RK: He probably meant HR calls, but yeah, that didn't make any sense

WV: "I'm not in favor of the sun, except when it warms the earth and incites photosynthesis."


RK: I've noticed that the Twins don't like having sole possession of first place anyway

RK: What do you suppose the odds are of 2+ runs off of K-Rod

WV: Not so good, but you're right. We play at our best from 2nd.

WV: When the Bitch Sox came back you kind of knew this was coming.

RK: Yeah, all the wrong teams won today

Friday, August 22, 2008


Those Hale and Hearty


You get some special weekend blogging because I injured my ankle today moving a desk up some stairs; luckily I saved the stairs from getting hurt by buffering them with my ankle. So I'm icing it and watching baseball and generally feeling kinda pathetic, but like, a good kind of pathetic.

Did you enjoy our backhanded praise of Torii Hunter? I sure did. It makes me giggle. Tee. Hee.

I like this evolution into PaB sports media with various contributors. I'd like to open it up even more. We'll see where it goes.


Oh some baseball stuff happened while I was looking up sugar cookie recipes. Uh, seriously, I'll take this more seriously from now on.


Sean Fignewton, in a fit of golfing, offers one up to Span, in one one broadcaster who shouldn't be named would call a "can of corn."

Those hits by T-Bar aren't fair, but you have to live with it. Let's just hope that Hunter/Guerrero/Anderson/whoeverthehell is up next doesn't bring him around.

Oh, Teixeira, right. What a very Portuguese name he has.

Except for the Mark part.

I can tolerate walks. Just barely. But what I can't tolerate are walks that are a result of 0-2 counts. That's not right.

As you all know, I love the Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and this has been going through my head all day.


Good work Torii, keep doing it for the team!


Ruiz, remember this moment - I don't think you're in for many infield singles.

Delmon must be very acutely aware of the doppler effect he's up and out so fast.

Adam Neverhit up, I suppose now is a good time to go make a sammich?

Yep, I was right.


Never mind about that infield single, amazing Rando. ROE. Is that an acceptable acronym?

GMJ, y'know, the guy with the catch who did HGH after that to dupe the Angels into giving him an awesomtime contract, fails to do anything. Because he's a cheating cheater.


The Angels announcers are talking about syphilitic Bret Michaels. I have no idea why.

Cargo looks pretty good out there with the bat. For right now. I hope he heats up again, like icy hot when you break the whatever I'm still focused on my ankle right now.

Oh Cargo. Cargo Cargo Cargo. I weep for thee.

Saunders is a graduate of VT. The only VT grad currently in MLB. In case you'd like to know.

And that would have been a run Denard would have knocked in. If the Twins lose, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth on my part.

Remember when Luis Rivas had the Angels' number? It was like, he'd have 3 HR a year, 2 against LAAAAA, like Denny Hocking and the Brewers? Do it Casilla.

No, wrong.


Johnny Mathis strikes out. It's not for him to saaaaay.


Oh Fruit and Cake walked.

But it doesn't matter because stone cold Span goes over and makes the catch and says excuse me Shawn, but your name is spelled incorrectly and you needed to get back to first. Don't be stupid


Saunders, if you harm one hair on OMG's head, I will punch you in the nethers.

I was hoping for 100 RsBI tonight, Justin, and that would have been the perfect time to do it. Perhaps next time, yes?

I miss Bert. Berty Berty Bert.

OK, seriously, I'm gonna hobble to the kitchen and make some toast. With jam, because Dlmon is up and there's 2 outs.

Oh I'm so sorry Dell man! I'm glad I decided not to hobble just yet! (Here's a secret. Most of the time when I pretend I'm not gonna watch, I really watch, because I just can't help myself)

I don't even care if Pinko continues the inning, but I of course hope he does.


Here's a story about Perkins. The diner by I-29 in Fargo, that is. I used to work for my dad in his test plots (He's a sunflower biologist. Or something. I really don't know what he does). And we had to work like early in the morning, but every once in a while we'd go to Perkins at like 4 in the morning and eat a huge breakfast before baking in a field all day (which we always regretted by 2 or 3 that afternoon). And anyway, one morning, I left my lights on (hey, I was 16) and my car was dead so I went and woke my dad up and had him drive me to Perkins really early. He was not thrilled, and I totally lied about leaving my lights on. So... sorry dad.

And then Perkins the pitcher goes 1-2-3 so everything's right with the world.


Neverhit, way to keep the leadoff man aboard streak alive.

Span, that ball wasn't hit hard, you saw it go to the cutoff man, why are you running? Why are the boys giving up outs? This is perplexing to me.

Even so, I wouldn't agree with the announcerman that "Saunders gets out of it." He still gave up a run, right?

But still, it should be at least 5-0 right now.


Pinko missed it by inches!

This doesn't feel right. That was a strike to Kendrick.

Gomez: Crow hop it lock it

[H]G[H]ary Matthews Jr has a big opportunity, the teevee man says. Hahaha, then he says "What can he do to keep this from being a lost year for him?" Son, his year is lost, his contract is lost, his career is lost. He's done.

And that's that.


By the time I'm done with this half inning, the Rays will have probably beaten the Bitch Sox, tying them with the Twins for 1st in the AL Central. Keep this alive, Minnesota, and take command of first place!

Ruiz is in from first! This is why I watch games. I love this kind of stuff. Talk about motoring around the bases!

Oh, that Pinko is sneaky fast


And Everett somehow managed to knock in a run!

Woah, I went to get a piece of bread, and Span did what? This game rules. Makes me forget about my bum ankle.


Go ahead and take your single, Shawnfignewton.

You idiot announcers - a home run is always better than a base hit. That is an eternal truth. The conversion rate of a home run from hit to run scored is 100% all the time.

Yes yes yes, I like this quiet night for the Halos. I can sit here and relish. Take it all in, baby!


Man, Morneau is terrible against the Angels, huh?

Aybar's all "I can stay back here, Ruiz runs like Kirby from the Nintendo, and I'm sure Tex OH SHIT"

Pinko RBI? KK must be ecstatic.

3 outs whatever, this is awesome.


Still pumped. I'm surprisingly not losing steam. Could be the persistent nagging of my injury. Do you all feel sufficiently sorry for me yet?


Sorry, I'm not paying too much attention right now, it just sorta feels good to be around while this is unfolding. The game is starting an hour earlier tomorrow and the announcers think that will help the Angels because that means the ball will carry better? What?


Oh Delmon, your antics are so antic-y. And bearable because of the situation.

Perkins, you did a hell of a job.


I predict a breakout game for Morneau tomorrow. Trust.

Mike Lamb?! The new Phil Nevin? Don't scare him!

Yeah, let's finish this.


Yeah, in comes Mexican Independence Day

Whoa, more than one batter! Reyes is truly expanding. All bodies are extended. Eat it, Kant.

Good work for the team Torii, you show 'em how to want it more than the Twins.

And that's it that's all that's all there is.


All things considered, I'm almost glad I'm unable to go out on a Friday, so I could see this gem.

Thursday, August 21, 2008




I just wanted to point out that I had to go through 5 hours of orientation at the school which I've been attending for over 2 years now. We have our heading, but we know neither who's leading us nor where we're going. I am le tired.

So I drink Pepsi One. It contains Splenda and not aspartame. This is important to certain people, and I'm kinda not into Coke right now but who cares?

Because this is post 200 people. Number two hondo. How many blogs get to this point in 2 years of existence? All of them? Yes, probably. But I'd still like a cake.

Which is also appropriate because I'm turning Twenty-Six sometime next week.

So what's happening? Are the boys hitting Lackey tonight? Whatever. LAAAAAAA has been playing waaaay over their heads all season (check out their PECOTA if you can!) and the series with the Team with the Racially Insensitive Name Near Lake Erie exposed them as such. Yes? Yes. Also, I still miss JoJo more than Sinn Fein.

(Sinn Fein is Torii Hunter if you're knew to this business)

WV has the night off, because he's in Minneapolis and I'm so jealous, so you're gonna deal with my weirdness tonight. Trust.


I wouldn't know if I'm missing anything because MLB Mosaic can't get Minnesota's stream! Nice guys.

Well uh, I don't know what to tell you.

This is not a good way to start ones 200th post.

Apparently this is a game-specific problem. I can tell you that AZ is leading SD however. In case you cared which you didn't because who cares about what's going on in the NL?

Go go gadget gamecast!


Network stream error... Retrying...

Tell me something people! It smells of skunk in my apartment and I don't know why that particular smell is wafting in here because I don't live on the side of a highway.

Here's my dilemma people. I desperately want to watch the Twins, but I can't, and that would make me want to give up for the night and read a book, but it's 200 posts! Whatever is a boy to do?

Apparently Mark Teixeira has hit a home run.


Skippety bee bop, oh I'm just scatting over here. Apologies to Ella Fitzgerald.


Now none of the games in Mosaic are working. Big gulps, eh? Welp, see you later (if this gets fixed)


karleeee, you're right, but I don't even need interesting. I just need to like, see it period.

Good people of Twins blogdom, I'm terrorizing your blogz with comments because this is what it sounds like when the doves cry.


Oh my God run scores! And how come nobody in our blog roll has been blogging lately? Don't tell me your OMG Joe Mauerness is waning? No, it's the dog days for everybody, or you're college students and I feel that.

Oh karleeee you're a godsend. And funny. Allow me to rebut:

If my pops owned a bar, I would drink my weight in Blackenkugels (half summer wheat ale and half guinness. Pretty good stuff)

Bert is probably talking over Dick and talking about California math and how Lackey is a good pitcher, not a thrower a pitcher and he likes to eat.

I'm really excited about eating a huge chunk of cake next week for my birthday celebration. When I turned 22, a coworker made me a "better than sex" cake. And she was right.

As Britney would say, give me give me MORE give me MORE.

By the by, what bar? I've been to most all of them in the Cities.


Here's the thing about Chone. It's like, I get Sean, Shawn, Seamus O'Malley and Seadoo 1200 jetskis. But Chone? Come on.

Um, hey, here's an idea Karleeee, would you like to fill in for WV tonight? I can totes set it up to make you an author to this here thingie. Blog. That's what it is.


OK, so look, whatever's happening in the game is happening, but what's important is that it's high time WV and I do what we said we were gonna do open this thing up to a bunch of competent and hilarious authors. So karleeee, please email so I can add you to the roll, and send an AIM screen name or else the live chat thing, well it just doesn't work.


KK: I don't know if its my wishing but it seems like baker has struck out quite a few angels.

RK: Dude is pitching like Radke, son

KK: Bradke it up scotty bakes.

RK: He needs much more hair on his face. And less of a Legolas quality

KK: You know whats one thing I like seeing that Gomez is doing, he isn't show boating and throwing in the ball without looking like he tends to do, like. Always. And indeed, but I dont think he can grow hair on that face of his, he still looks about not a day over 14

RK: Well this is a first in PAB history, 3 contributors at the same time!

KK: This is HOT

WV: So drop it.

RK: I feel like I've really exponentially increased my technics. Benjamin would be pissed

KK: I need to stretch to "drop" it. It takes more effort than you think.

WV: Well you do go to Virginia Tech...

KK: main word in the sentence TECH.

RK: It is a polytechnic institute. An institute of many technics

KK: random thought: Vlad reminds me of dracula which makes me think of blood and it makes me woozy. Maybe if he breaks his bat I can use it as a shank to stab him through his heart.

WV: Torri of the future tells Ex-Torii to sit the fuck down.

KK: Nice fly out there Torrid. In Soviet Russia, Torii flys out YOU!


RK: Blogging while not seeing what you're blogging about is easier with more people

WV: Indeed. Is Mosaic still giving you trouble?

RK: Mosaic is definitely putting the grizzle on my hangdown

KK: I see I missed nothing, I walked in on Puntos priceless lost puppy look on his face.


KK: The dark knight swoops in and eats up that fly ball. Am I being racist for calling him a dark knight? I'd take that as a compliment.

RK: Yeah, I dunno. I mean on the one hand Batman is a superhero, but on the other hand, Christian Bale totes beats up his mom

KK: Yeah. But Dlmn Yng can so say his mom is his bat. Bat-man...oh..get it? Haha. Excuse me while I set down my book of adolecent 5th grade jokes. It's the reissue hard copy version.

RK: Flew over my head, but uh, I'm not smart. Sometimes I need to be hit in the face with it.

WV: You've been downgraded from Polytechnic to Multitechnic.


RK: How about this Baker kid, huh? Remember when he said he wanted to be the ace and we laughed at him and told him to get off our lawn?

WV: At this point I celebrate when Cargo doesn't strike out, so a single is causing some really irrational exuberance.

KK: Cannot Compute. Carlos hitting the ball and not popping up a bunt or striking out is' words I don't even have a nice punch line for this.

RK: Denard Span has no patience for your punchlines. I can't see him, but I assume it's scary

KK: I couldn't take baker serious being the ace because he was too busy gagging up big leauge gum and grass in my lawn, since between innings he was grazing. Span doesn't. But he does have patience at the plate, compared to cargo.

KK: Denard Span says: Cuddyer who?

WV: That flip to first was Lackey-ing in accuracy.

RK: Y'know, I'm saying that too. Like, I can't see your magic tricks, Michael, you have to play to get a Christmas card from me this year

WV: Here's a magic trick that needs to be explained: How Shawn becomes Chone and maintains phonetic fidelity.

KK: Lackey is Whackey. He doesn't know how to throw to second either.

WV: I'm working towards a joke on chodes here.

RK: Yeah, my name's Robert but it's pronounced "Darrell"

KK: His name is Choad Fignewton.

WV: Haha. Choad Phignewton.

RK: We've got a winner!

KK: Haha, yes we need the "PH", kudos to you for that. You just one upped my own amazingness.

WV: We're doing this 3 the hard way.

RK: Juice by WV, juice by WV! Too weird to reference Requiem for a dream?

WV: I think we've all regressed a bit to 5th grade. This is the meeting of minds that I envisioned when I went to grad school.

KK: Kubel is laughing, why you ask? Because they are walking Mauer to get to Morneau to make the bases LOADED with one out. And Lackey also can't throw to his own catcher.

WV: Come on Karlee: That pitch to home was Lackey-ing in accuracy.

RK: Yeah man, fuck the academy, chat rooms are where the future of democracy lie!

KK: Mike Sochia's (sp?) manager skills amaze me. Skillz, let me show them to you.

WV: Yeah, he was out.

RK: Shit. Shit. Shit.

KK: Tell me how you REALLY feel.


RK: I feel like.... we just gave the game away

KK: No more mister nice guy. No more mister glee-hee-hee-eee. That should be Bakes' theme song

RK: I would support that. I would also support not seeing replays of Justin's GIDP

KK: I feel like you need some R&R....Rbi's and...Rub-downs.

RK: I do, these announcers are killing me. Bert withdrawal is always the worst on the first game of a roadtrip

KK: I think thats bakers 549340 strike out tonight.

WV: I'll be the representative Bert reporter, since I'm fortunate enough to be ensconced in the 10,000 lakes.

KK: Say something Berty. Enlighten me, the tv's are on mute.

RK: I'll hopefully be there for the last homestand. Which makes it sound like a Virginian Civil War battlefield, but whatevs


KK: Hey Rubix Kubes do work son!

KK: I don't like it when we strike out, I bet that comes a shocker to you both. Because I enjoy watching people fail on a daily basis.

RK: Sure, who doesn't? That's why we teach. But it's Delmon, so, y'know, we've become emotionally cold

KK: Where did bobby boucher come from? Where am I?

KK: He should go yard right now. Then non chalantly wave goodbye to mike lamb

RK: Oh come on, you know Mike Lamb is sitting in Houston, crying into his drink

WV: Holy shit, say that again, only louder

KK: AND A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW. He's crying in Joe Mauer's milk

RK: Well ain't that just the berries?

KK: Thats his job, to guard Joe Mauers chocolate milk. Oh btw: Hi, Nick Punto? Yeah hi it's Karlee again. Rbi's make yoru avg go higher, just a side note.

RK: Nick Punto, Nickto, Klaytu Verata Nickto!

KK: Big bag of fail.

WV: That line right there was an unconcealment of Being.


WV: Punto's new nickname is Pinko

RK: Thanks to Karlee. We'll let you, the reader, figure it out

KK: Nice grab, PINKO, I mean Casilla, I'm so used to seeing him at 2nd. I think the drunk people in the bar are rubbing off on me, and I've become seasoned. And mentally drunk.

RK: People do mimic the environments in which they find themselves. It's one way to alter space across time

KK: someone just announced this outloud at the bar "WALK OFF HOME RUN!" be right back I must cut a bitch. I keed, I keed

RK: That would make me have a huge anger salad. Wait, former teammate? I was unaware that this "Hunter" used to play for Minnesota

WV: And if he were to hit a walk off, he totally wouldn't do a douchey bat flip would he?

RK: Bret Boone would sue him

KK: Manny would say "look its torii being torii"

RK: Also, "where is my enormous stuffed giraffe?"


KK: And "I hate rally monkeys, yet now I play on the team who has the rally monkeys"

RK: Wait, who's talking now?

KK: Torii said he hated the monkey

RK: Oh, OK I was still with Manny

KK: Oh, Manny probably hates the rally monkeys too.

RK: Manny only hates barber shops

KK: And moisture.

RK: Are we out of this inning yet? Y'alls is about 2 pitches ahead of me

WV: Good, he's Guerrierrrrreat! again.

KK: Is it too much to ask for torii to jam his finger on a base? Is it mean to befriend a base more than an ex-team mate? To like an inatimate object more than a human being?

RK: Not at all, that describes my attitude at 98% of humanity


RK: It's about 8 in the morning here out east

WV: I know, you're in danger of missing the 2:00 AM Good Eats.

KK: They are playing extra innings because they found out the 3 biggest fans are live blogging, I'm the Mexican kid, wasn't he earth? And also please tell me you remember that show!

RK: The African kid was Earth, Asian lady water, Russian girl wind, American boy fire, and the Indian kid heart. GO PLANET. I still remember the theme song, trust

WV: Denard needs to work on these drives to center actually going over the fence.

KK: Good Eats is quite a good show. I never miss an episode of bizzare foods with andrew zimmern.

WV: I know--If it looks good, let Andrew Zimmern eat it.

KK: yeah Torii how does it feel to have a ball go over you? It smells like successsss. I ate plantains today, so casilla should do something productive.

WV: And I'm in Minnesota, so if he doesn't Mauer better.

KK: The great Mauersaurus.

WV: Sandcastle's return has....yeah.

RK: I got nothing

KK: Is Torii showboating? It looks like he is.

RK: I would have no way of knowing

KK: Walk CHOCOLATE MILK. Psh. Well mr drunkerton would.

WV: All this walking to get to Morneau would have to backfire at some point, right?

RK: Justin needs to put on his angry face

KK: His puffer fish face. Whenever he hits the ball it looks like he's about to blow down a barn with his mighty canadian lungs.

WV: Incidentally, that's the face I'm currently sporting.

KK: Oh you...IDIOT. Hey can you start prepping the anger salad please?

WV: RK, the FUTURE, is grim.

RK: I'm ready for it. Sigh.


WV: Really, has anyone named Howie ever been good at anything?

KK: Howie Mandel... I take that back.

RK: In Bobby's World? Point. Set. Match.

KK: That show was pretty radtastic. We read eachothers minds, we should get married so our children can carry on our telacanesis-ness.

WV: I'd say that you'll be the first couple brought together over mutual affection for a Howie.

RK: Let's hope that's the case

WV: Or does somebody have another esoteric example to disprove me with?

KK: Howie, whats his football face. Yeah football and me aren't two peas in a pod.

RK: The former Mr. Teri Hatcher

WV: Yeah, but now he does those douche-tastic, subliminally brokeback Chevy commercials.

KK: Yes, him. Bingo. Yahtzee. Kinetico.



RK: A double play is in order

KK: remember the top ten list on david letterman the top ten ways to say kirby pucket wrong. turkey bucket, and when don shelby said he had a gopher in his pants. I remember. I was young but I remember .

RK: I don't, but that seems far enough back in the day to be funny


RK: Oh I'm going to wake the neighbors with my raucous laughter

WV: This would be funny even if I wasn't drinking!



KK: Kubel. All blog no score make karlee dull girl.

RK: What the phone booth? What's Koobs doing?


RK: Good news from THE FUTURE! I was about to anoint him the new Brian "Sure Out" Buchanan

KK: Ruiz is in to clean up right quick.

WV: The St. Paul Saints have a locker saved for him already.

KK: Hahaha, that was a bag fulla lulz. I might have to jump on the lollercoaster.

WV: Ha, Dick called Craig Monroe "dearly departed" and Bert chimed in with, "well, departed"


KK: Bert makes my heart flutter with his cockiness.


WV: Because just what we needed was another GIDP. Sorry to be the harbinger of bad news.

RK: At this point, I'm expecting it

KK: But seeing the aflac duck dance in shoes always puts a smile on my face. And makes me want mock duck lo mien

RK: But real duck is where it's at! So full of fat and.... I dunno, Chinese 5-spice?


KK: Neverhitt is playing short shit...I mean stop. Jesse Crain makes me nauseous. But he did say I have nice inkage.

WV: If we win this game, I'll refer to the pace as methodic, if we lose, then excruciatingly dull.

RK: Wait, what? When were you talking to the Crainadian?

KK: The twins live thing with cuddyer, I was last in line and I stole the poster on the wall, cuddyer said I was a theif. I pleaded the 5th.

RK: Hopefully you slapped someone's ass... On the team

KK: No they were sitting down :(

RK: Or anybody's.... I mean, whatever you like

WV: In your defense, that play by Neverette had nothing to do with his arm

KK: I wanted to line them up and bend them over and say good game and smack them, I mean if they can spank eachther why can't I get a crack at it? You're right, WV, it was all Pinko's aura.



WV: Pinko...just belied his surname.

KK: Torii looks so perplexed! Pinkoooo i choosee youuu.

RK: Uh... que the fuck happened?

KK: Pinko almost went yard, Torii tried to do his fancy jump work and failed. Looked like someone just shot his dog. Got a triple.

RK: Dr. Jubal, we share your exuberance. This is so much better than reading The Sociological Imagination

KK: Gomez, we aren't golfing. We're trying to win. Span hit it to the outfield so punto can score and we can win k thanx bai.

WV: Denard should join a gang because he's good with his bo staff.

RK: I was always partial to Leonardo

KK: Denard Span makes me want to eat better than sex cake.


KK: Because that rbi single was better than sex....cake.

RK: Ooh, very meta. Metalinguistics, son!

KK: That word is quite the mouthful. I could go on with something witty but I'll just shut my trap and enjoy this game, this game shows me we are just as good as I thought they were. Or something.

RK: It shows me that LAAAA aren't as good as their record shows. We've still stranded like 9 RISP

KK: They better let chocolate milk hit

KK: Yeah and thats not our style. They just look like they are good because well, look at the division they are in. My dads 55+ softball beer leauge can play in that.

WV: Hey, Carlos Silva would fit in perfectly on a 55+ beer league softball team.


KK: I want to see these fruit of the loom fruits play at my 23rd birthday this year. You two work on that getting done for me thanks.

RK: I just want a cake and pink shoes. But I got the pink shoes today! But what I want from all of you is to share the joy of a first place Twins ballclub

KK: Are they hannah montana shoes? And Carlos would, him and LeCroy can play together. And it will be an honor to share it with you kind sir.

RK: Nah, they're One-Stars. They were in the women's section, but they fit, so there you go

KK: Oh, sexual. I have light pink ones 

RK: We may have the same shoes. Oh yeah and Nathan gets a K so siddown GA

KK: Joe Nathans avg is 1.00......if it drops below that, I might have a pants party.

RK: We had a tradition at St. John's that every night at a certain bar ended with a pants party

KK: The Angles are so pleased with their signing of Mathews Jr. that he sits on the bench while this chump comes up to hit.

RK: But that catch! That one time! Buck Showalter!

WV: Point. Set. Match.


KK: You mean Pantless party. The Twins will be having one of those tonight. Wanna know why? Because he sat some bitches down, close the dooooooooor.

RK: Twins Win? I mean ! The Engelchens are overrated

KK: Very much. Agreed.....and it should be twins win!? I'm Ron Burgundy?

RK: It should. So Scott Baker was pretty solid, huh?

WV: I rather like being 1/2 a game out of first.

KK: Scott Baker was solid like a %80 cocoa dark chocolate bar. Try biting into one of those without wincing

KK: Pinkoooo speaks. It was the nick punto show tonight, and truthfully. I loveeeeee it.

RK: We know Nick Punto should be praised tonight, but we have a speical treat. More people blogging is fun! Let's do this again sometime.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Youth is Wasted On the Young


2 youth movements meet up in today's game; a look at the standings shows one to be *slightly* ahead of the other.

Us Minnesotans are not very assuming people, so logic follows that we play our best baseball in 2nd place. Like in '06, we'll wait until the last possible moment to make our definitive move.

RK is exploiting Virginia Tech's liquor reserve and I'll be in and out, but somewhere along the line there will be some live blogging today.


Kevin Slowey could understudy Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, because I think that he's doomed to repeatedly throw near-strikes on an 0-2 count to Patterson (that is, until he learns to play piano and do the heimlich maneuver).


This one gang wanted Leodenardo to join because he's pretty good with a bo staff, but Gallagher's control was too atrocious and he settled for a 5-pitch walk.

Every slumping Twins player better watch out, because Punto's up and he takes no prisoners. (Morneau was actually tired of digging Everett's throws out of the dirt and paid him off). And if Punto fails to knock people on the bench off with his errant hits, Garrett Jones is patiently waiting in Rochester.

If Punto and Mauer want to bump their power numbers, they should get on the horn with the new stadium's architects and get the right-center fence moved in.

No need to tell Span that 1 is the loneliest number.

Since everyone in the stadium forgot about him at 1st, he easily steals 2nd.


Yowza, I take a dinner break and the Twins put up 13. It'll be extra-tough for Guerrier to blow this one. Let's hope that Johan Slowey-tana stays out there and gets a few more K's.


Sars gives up a hit and so on and so forth.

Seattle is once again proving to be less than helpful, as long as we keep it within a game and then win when we play them later this month.


Good to get the offensive stroke back, and good to see a nice outing from the starting pitching. Hopefully we'll take care of business tomorrow and wrap up a 5-1 homestand.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Too Bad the Twins Unloaded Hernandez, Our Own White Elephant


WV: Raul Ibañez doesn't play for the A's right? I feel better about this match-up.

RK: But king of the OPS, Jack Cust, does.

WV: The A's telecast did a flashback of Frank Thomas cranking 2 dingers against us in the '06 ALDS. Little do they know, we've got a plethora of first round playoff letdowns, and I'm not going to feel bad about this one.

RK: It's true, but I take comfort in the fact that the New York Yankees are the new Twins in the sheer number of recent first round playoff disappointments


WV: Apparently Mark Ellis reads scouting reports

RK: Didn't Blackburn do this recently, perhaps vs. New York Jankees?


RK: But I gotta say, with the Rubik's Kubel in there, I like our chances for offense

WV: And we won't inflate Duchscherer's K numbers with Cargo on the bench.

RK: Every time I see Mark Ellis I think a little bit "Really, this dude plays major league beisbol?"

WV: 3 pitch strikeout? Mauer must've been up late watching the uneven bar finals.

RK: Man, my video is really lagging. Not that I mind, I have time to prepare myself for THE FUTURE


RK: That was a positively Jeterian throw by Everett

WV: And that was a Favre-ian move by Punto there, rediscovering his youth on the old ball field.

WV: That's some Fox News spin I just put there on that f-up.

RK: That was like some lawn bowling right there, rolling the ball to Everett


RK: Now how is that an error? Forgive my ignorance here, but I thought you can't assume the double play. Shouldn't that just be a fielder's choice? Oh wait, right, I forgot about Everett's error

RK: I am, as always, an idiot

WV: You merely revel in the essence of baseball qua baseball, how could you be expected to make a synthetic analytical judgment?

RK: It's true, on Kant's epistemological square, with a faulty memory to base it on, I have no way to know these things

RK: Synthetic a posteriori knowledge only works when you have the "facts"

WV: Exactly, and how can you reasonably expect to get those from

WV: This strike zone is.....forgiving.

RK: Oh dear

RK: I don't like Duchscherer. I'll tell you why: growing up, and I don't know if you remember this, at the local church (we were raised Cat-lick) there was a priest named Father Duchscherer who was kind of a smarmy jerk. so I don't like the name

WV: Yeah, that guy was a smarmy jerk. And now that I think about it--he was merely a parish priest at a small, declining church in the middle of North Dakota. So what gives?


RK: Well, at least the mighty Mariners have jumped up Buerhlesherles ass

WV: And I think Buscher might have just jumped up Everett's ass concomitantly.

RK: Bert to Coom: "And you're built a lot like Buscher" Brian, this aggression should not stand

WV: Bert Blyleven, self-described Hugenot, whatever that means.

RK: I'm a self-proplled Peugot myself

WV: How many pitches has the dread pirate Blackburn thrown here?

RK: Not many it seems. Maybe Everett's arm was magically made stronger after crashing into the turf, like in Rookie of the Year.

WV: Did he just say "funky butt-loving?"


RK: Didn't Eric Chavez unionize field laborers?

WV: Alright, he's thrown that cut fast ball right over the middle of the plate on every 2-0 count, so let's get with it boys.

WV: Sweet he's coming out.

RK: So you're saying there's a chance!

WV: And really, any pitcher whose lastname is phonetically similar to "Sars" gives us a fairly high chance of winning.

WV: And this is a legit injury. It's not like the Chief who succumbs to mysterious stomach ailments and triceps tendinitis when he's pitching terribly.




WV is off to get some groceries from his local grocer, so you've just got me for now, suckers!

Boy, you would never think the A's have lost 20 of their past 24 games or whatever true fact I just made up there.


Doot doo doo


I would vote for Bert as president of anything, and I bet you would too

Oh man I thought that was going to drop for Everett, and here's where I'd make a joke about how the only things that get dropped are his weak throws to first, but that's almost toooo easy.

This is not a good time for Offensivefutility guys, the Bitch Sox are ahead!


Hahaha, oh everybody is throwing the ball all over the field and how come the boys don't like staying in first place?


WV: Bitch Sox now up 5, nice to see that Seattle waited a few innings before reverting to form.

RK: They're just doing the opposite of what they did with us

RK: Silver lining, it looks like Blackburn will at least get through 7

WV: Dlmon Young 0-2? You've got to be joking!

RK: And he even struck out to round out the amazement.

WV: Not a terrible outing by Blackburn, he could even go 8 with only 91 pitches.

RK: Yeah, at the very least the bullpen's getting a rest here

WV: Well, with Cy Young and Sandy Koufax out of the game maybe we can score a run.

RK: Now that would be a good facebook app: What Pitcher Are You? I'd be Jeff Weaver - early signs of brilliance and a steady stream of disappointment thereafter

WV: Haha. I'd be Wakefield; a deceptive slowness that's wildly unpredictable.

RK: This is one of those situations where you can't believe that the guy's gonna strike out, right? except he did

WV: Hey Harris has 6 dingers - he's due

RK: Well what the hell

WV: Sigh.


RK: Buh Buh Wha?

RK: I haven't seen the A's throw the ball in the dugout since game four of the 2002 ALDS when Tejada did it

WV: Up until right now this game was about as much fun as a conference on the color beige


WV: That had to be one of Dlmon's most pathetic at-bats of the season.

RK: Jesus, I hate the Delmon "Swing at Everything" show. Ziegler could have thrown that to Stearns County and Young would have swung.

WV: Harris is due right?

RK: I thought so last time. That would sure make my night

WV: Doesn't look like Harris wants to swing

RK: Like his job security, the plate apparently needs no protecting.

WV: You could tell he wasn't going to swing. Deflating loss and so on and so forth.

Friday, August 15, 2008


Oh Well Hello There Francisco


WV: Did you see those acrobatics to get Ichiro? And he's not even a 9 year old Chinese girl.

RK: Miguel Cairo's still around, huh? And Richie Sexson again designated for assignment

RK: I'm a... shooting for a white russian an inning here

WV: Third out. [RK's liver cringes]


RK: Oh yeah! The sinkerballer with the sinkerball that doesn't sink!

WV: I have to say, I feel some nostalgia for the Chief.

RK: Remember when he threw the 23 pitch CG shutout? True fact, don't bother looking that up

WV: Right, for the other 4 outs, they simply counted the pitch he threw to the previous batter.

RK: It is like the good old days! Of '07

WV: Ah yes, those halcyon days of Venezuelan pitching.

RK: Jeez, I mean, it's an out and everything, but the wolf is getting lit up here

RK: : Morneau's dribbler to first had some English on it. I saw that on trick shot magic once I think from Mike Massey

RK: Or Ken Rossman? Stefano Pelinga? Do I watch this shit too much?

WV: That's 3 more billiards players than I knew before this conversation. So, maybe.

RK: Between trick shot magic and scrabble, I got ESPN2 on lock

WV: The Mariners outfielders will need to be treated for PTS after this inning.


WV: Liriano seems solid, but I'm not sure I buy this lip service about him throwing 97 at Rochester and magically losing 7 mph on the plane ride to 'Sota.

RK: Maybe he's using the Bitch Sox radar gun

RK: I remember in 2003 they had Colon hitting 103 in the 8th inning

RK: I was all "o rly?"

WV: Quick inning. The White Russians are piling up eh?

RK: I'm telling you the truth. And I'm nursing my second


WV: The moniker "Tell Grads It's Friday" doesn't apply to you, does it?

RK: Wow do I have no idea what you're talking about... oh wait, Guy Fieri just whispered it into my ear

RK: I dunno about all that, but let me tell you the importance of having all your Star Roads open. It makes getting to the Top Secret Area on Donut Island easier

WV: I'm gonna need Guy Fieri to hop a plane to SFO and decipher that for me.

RK: It takes a Super Mario World connoisseur, and I don't mean that N64 shit


WV: Liriano, as long as he wins, can pitch how he wants. But he needs to toss the Josh Beckett-esque douchey necklace.

RK: Better than the platinum necklace he used to wear

WV: It's all about baby steps. He doesn't have a poorly trimmed goatee, so it could be worse.

RK: Or mountains of belly fat. But hey, he's getting results here, let's not forget.


WV: I'm entertained by Span's expression while awaiting a pitch. It's like you just spoke Tagalog to him.

RK: Or like he just got done asking you if Marcellus Wallace looks like a bitch

RK: Let's see if Nick Punto is feeling multi-hitty

WV: Errr, nope

WV: I feel bad sometimes that we ignore what's going on on the field, but then again, Dick and Bert are discussing radish sandwiches right now.


WV: The Yanks not only released Sexson, but demoted Melky Cabrera.

RK: It's like a slow implosion over there in the Bronx

WV: I guess when they said that "New York you make it happen", they excluded the Bronx.

WV: Uh, and Flushing.

RK: And the part of Manhattan where the MSG is.

RK: But they're also the crew that put the cru in Cruex. Man, nobody has any idea what we're talking about right now

WV: This is a "writerly" and not a "readerly" blog.

RK: Strikes, Franceesko, strikes

WV: At least he's missing down and not up.

WV: Infield defense. Wow.

RK: Oh balls

WV: Kiko did a good job of picking up Buscher though, and chances are good we'll score again on the Chief.


WV: The pride of Belle Fourche, SD puts us back up 2.

RK: Brian Buscher owes Jason Kubel a pizza

WV: Dlmon hits only singles and 3-run jacks.

RK: I'll take those

RK: Dick seems to think it was 74 pitches that Silva needed to complete a game

WV: He's wrong a lot; last inning he called LIriano "Silva" twice and was wrong on the pitch count to Jojima the entire at-bat.
23 pitches, and that's the straight dope

WV: It's tough keeping facts straight when you got radish sandwiches on your mind. The broadcast booth is like an Arby's commercial right now; with cowboy hats replaced by radishes.

RK: I don't care what anybody says, that Arby's is delicious


RK: That Everett---apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur.

WV: I just got a mental image of Adam Everett dropping it and hitting the floor

RK: Funny image for a guy who looks more like a high school chemistry teacher.

RK: SJ will surely remember Fletcher

RK: I didn't know Bon Jovi was with the Rockies

WV: Has he pitched now for every single NL team?

RK: He's had a predictably rough start over there.

WV: How's the white russian count? They're sobering you up here in the 4th inning.

RK: Yeah, I'm being all responsible and cutting it off after 3

WV: I can think of 48 million reasons as to why this is an entertaining outcome to Gordo's night.

RK: I know, right? Like, I guess we made the right decision, huh?

WV: For this evening at least, Bill Smith's free agent signings and non-signings have worked out.

RK: GilgaMeche is working his magic in Yankee Stadium

WV: Thank goodness the Royals have gotten it together after being swept by the Bitch Sox. In Happy Gilmore fashion, "Where were you on that one dipshits?"

RK: I'm rooting for them to not finish in the cellar this year. Sorry for splitting my infinitive there

WV: Like with peas, splitting infinitives has a time and a place.

RK: Tell that to Strunk and White

WV: We're starting to lose people again.

RK: Our readers believe in good grammar


RK: Whoa, Kiko made that dude look ugly

RK: Marney, I love you dearly, but the fourth is a little early to be talking no hitter, huh?

WV: Another Liriano K! For a moment, I was back in 2006 and Lebanon was under attack and Keane irritated my artistic sensibilities.

RK: And what's this about Grant Balfour? As a closer? Que!?

WV: Balfour as a closer?!? [Black hole swallows Earth]


RK: This Bismarckian and I have something in common

RK: Anybody over there in MN wanna make some radish sandwiches and cookies for Dick?

WV: So uh... Michael Phelps, huh?

RK: An Ichiro error? Well ain't that just a microcosm of the Mariners season

WV: It sure is, and to think, they could've pawned Washburn off on us.

RK: Glad we dodged that bullet


RK's computer crapped out, so I'm like Garth without Wayne. Nick Punto's fielding has to cancel out his poor hitting right? There must be a stat for that? Anyone else not lazy and mathematically inclined out there?


WV: Baseball!

RK: Yeah, looks like they had the big inning, so they're done now


"There's been no Silva lining here tonight." Touche, Marney. Touche. I see what you did there.

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