Monday, April 27, 2009

 

So...Um...Interns?

So WV and RK are sadly in absentia this evening, thus we shall continue on with their presence in spirit only.

PREGAME

It's hardly been a quiet two weeks in the world of baseball. There's the predictable (like the Yankees getting thumped at Fenway), the not so predictable (the Pittsburgh Pirates), and the downright absurd (two words: Zack Grienke, QTF?). Anyone who's a fan of the law of averages has to be having a ball right about now...

Anyway, el beisbol.

TOP FIRST

Hey look. flashes of Scott Baker. And flashes of inept umpiring.

Bert says that Rocket Bats needs to "bend over" more when he pitches. Not even gonna touch that one.

Hey cool. Only in the Metrodome do foul line drives = extra base hits. Must be some of that "creative accounting" at work. Suddenly I see the appeal of instant replay.

Bert: "Hey Coomer what're you smoking down there?" I sense impending fisticuffs in the break.

...Oh for the love of...

BOTTOM FIRST

Right, well baserunners. That's a start.

Bert: "Kubel is probably the plumpest guy in our lineup"
Dick: "Plumpest?"
Bert: "Yeah, plumpest."
Dick: "Right. 2-0 to the Michelin Man."

If the object of this game were to leave runners on base, I daresay the Twins would never lose.

TOP SECOND

Well, this is going infinitely better so far.

BOTTOM SECOND, RAYS UP A DEUCE

*yawn* 1-2-3. How bout that.

TOP 3RD, SAME

One can almost see Rocket Bats' inner struggle unfolding on the mound. 3 pitches down, 2 pitches up. Repeat.

Hey I like this now.

BOTTOM 3RD

Span the Bran Muffin ripping Niemann's no-hitter straight to right field.

HIT AND RUN DO IT

...or just walk. 2 on for Dr. Neau.

Riiiiiiight. We needs a Kubelution

Weirdest. Double steal. Ever.

*facepalm*

TOP 4TH, SAME

This has all the makings of a Dark Beard-esque start for Rocket Bats.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Right, c'mon guys. See ball, hit ball.

See? Dlmn gt th mm.

Oh look. 2 on, 1 out. Where have I seen this before?

Yep. Same thing, different inning.

TOP 5TH, SAME

DK: If only Sandcastle were made of Silly Putty.

DK: Bleh. Wild pitches = BAD. Idea: strand the runner.

DK: Well, so much for that idea.

TB: Right. I'm here, we can score now

DK: Leviathan really not having a good day back there.

TB: The Leviathan makes sure his ass is on a plane to Rochester on Friday

DK: In a word, crap.

TB: Right, So umm.

TB: Positive spin: Rocket Bats has quieted down and now allows runs like normal pitchers do.

DK: Activity in the pen.

TB: R.A. Dickey seems to warm up at the exact wrong time. "Wait, him? No..."

DK: Rays batting .800 with RISP. Twins batting .000. Coincidence? I think not.

DK: OK, like srsly guyz. Hit the ball already.

BOTTOM 5TH, RECENTLY EXORCISED BATOIDAEA 4, TWINS 0

TB: Death by a million fly balls?

DK: OK guys. If you're going to bunt, bunt. Don't fake a bunt and run out of the box scared before the pitch crosses the plate. Like really.

TB: Well...I...oh dear.

TOP 6TH, SAME

TB: Dear K-Bro: Would you rather have a tired Baker or R.A, Dickey in the sterile Metrodome air? Speaking of, has anybody ever measured the atmospheric pressure of the Dome? Seems like it would be higher

DK: Rocket Bats looks downright bi-polar.

TB: Well yeah, he is constantly in a battle to find his true self

DK: Right, I grow tired of repeating the mantra, but RUNS

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

TB: That'd be an out in Oakland.

DK: That'd be an out on a slo-pitch softball field.

DK: They do know there's an area beyond that wall where the outfielders can't catch it, right?

TB: You mean like that?

DK: Precisely. Someone must've charged up his solar cell.

TB: I'm waiting for the day he strikes out before the P.A. guy gets to "..Cuddyer"

DK: Beis on Bols, which seems like it’s our 17th one this game.

TB: You know, I think my friend Nick has a pair of glasses exactly like Joe Maddon's. Got 'em at a 50's car show. True story.

TB: Oh HELLZ yeah.

DK: I was under the impression that all you got at '50s car shows were '50s cars.

TB: Grant Ball-four has seven walks so far this season. Hilarity ensues.

DK: I'm going to chalk that one up to osmosis.

TB: Or the correct alignment of Jupiter. Some sort of mysterious mysteria.

DK: Yep. That was almost too predictable.

TOP 7TH, SHUTOUT GONE, STILL LOSING

DK: Well, at least that first knuckleball ended up in Leviathan's glove, and not somewhere in Anoka.

DK: Initial on initial hate right there - R.A. picks off B.J.

TB: R.A. should play catcher. He has as many putouts on the basepaths as does Leviathan

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

TB: Red hats? Are they Twins fans or Linux developers?

DK: It's that open source movement taking over baseball.

DK: All Leviathan does is hit line drives.

TB: Can't catch a pitch-out though.

DK: Sssshhh. Positive spin.

DK: I hear "Thriller". You know what that means.

TB: Why Pinko must be here.

TB: Some states would put you on the sex offender list for wanting to come up to the plate to the music of "Thriller".

DK: Two pitches right on the outside “corner” right there. Methinks something is afoot. Bert concurs and says that Dick should put on a chest protector and go down there.

TB: FORE!

DK: Fucklion time.

TB: All you can eat seats tomorrow. Rumor has it Livan Hernandez will be in attendance.

DK: There's a pitch called a Vulcan splitter?

TB: Obviously Span didn't know that.

TB: Cheeze louize Morneau. Swing the bat.

DK: That, be definition, is an atom ball.

TOP 8TH, STILL NOT WINNING

TB: Hey that umpire has a pretty cool mustache.

DK: I sense a small disagreement.

TB: A disagreement with the call and reality. Clearly we are not in the same frame as the Ump.

DK: Oh Bert...”Tie goes to the pitcher”, naturally.

TB: Morales obviously is not a master of the knuckleball

DK: I’m curious as whether OMG will catch knuckleballs, or whether the knuckleballs will just flock to his glove out of respect to his awesomeness.

TB: Well, uhhh

DK: Bert with an astute observation there: "That didn't knuckle".

TB: Pena has nine HR. Crazy shit right there. On pace to hit 85.

DK: any day the Yankees fall below .500 is a happy day.

TB: Well, 77. That’s my California math. I apologize.

DK: And Gabe 12x12 flies out.

TB: Yuk yuk yuk. Bert, you rock.

BOTTOM 8TH, CARTILAGINOUS SEA CREATURES 6, GEMINI 1

DK: In the postgame: Ron Coomer and Bert Blyleven on stealing bases. An authoritative study right there.

TB: Maybe they should bring David Ortiz and Sidney Ponson too just to add to the expertise.

DK: Yep, and then tomorrow we can bring in Denny Hocking to talk about hitting for power.

TB: I went to a game once and Denny Hocking hit a walk-off home run. Fact.

DK: CCR running the batting gamut here.

DK: Remember when all Cuddyer did was hit doubles?

DK: Gee, wonder where I've seen the Pear King do that before.

TOP 9TH, SAME

DK: Span just cold hauling that in.

DK: Aaaand Bartlett 1, Dlmn 0. That trade's really not looking too hot about now

TB: It is of course natural that Bartlett can now hit home runs. Joe Vavra you fool.

BOTTOM 9TH, DOWN BY A HALF DOZEN

TB: How the hell do you not pinch hit Brendan for Punto here. I guess in the grand scheme of things it is not so important.

DK: Down to his last out, Gardy's in manage-by-numbers mode.

DK: Maybe he doesn't want to throw the last piece of the Dlmn/Garza/Bartlett trade out there to prove that it was an epic fail.

TB: Oh look, Punto swung at an awful pitch.

DK: Well, fiddlesticks.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

 

Alack and Alas

We are unable to blog tonight. Not because we don't want to, but damn, we have a lot of schoolwork to do. Hold fast all, the semester is over soon.

WV and/or RK

Monday, April 13, 2009

 

RIP Well, Everybody

PREGAME

I don't mean to make light of course, but good god, everybody in baseball died this week.

But part of the beauty is that the game goes on. Or however Kevin Costner said it in Field of Dreams. So coming off a promising start to a short roadtrip (how about Friday night? I was in our Nation's Capital representin') that quickly devolved into the nightmare early season Comiskey road trips of old (at least Joe Crede didn't hit a home run for the Ashen Hosiery, but then again, maybe he did?). Keep the ball down fellas. And leave the assbats at home. It doesn't feel like the Twins have lost more games than they've won, but there it is. 3-4. Numbers don't lie. Nor do my hips.

TOP FIRST

"When they do score a lot of runs, of course they win!" I will never get sick of Bert. Never ever.

Welp, 1 out, 2 on, a double play ball is in order. And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I get the impression if OMG were behind the plate, hitters would be waving at more of these down and away sliders, and hey there's the double play ball!

I like it when life works out.

BOTTOM FIRST

Thing I Just Learned: "Midden" is a word. I was getting ready to [sic] that puppy up in my essay, but good thing I consulted the interwebs! It's a series of tubes!

TOP SECOND

This is not going like I envisioned in my head. I remember, and perhaps you do too, roundabouts 2002/2003 when the Twins couldn't lose to the Blue Birds? Even when it was Halladay/Rick Reed you thought oh, Rick Reed is gonna kill 'em.

I'm just anxious about the starters because I refuse to entertain the idea of a sophomore slump. Because that would affect pretty much everybody who starts. And I can't handle that.

Thankfully Lindt Chocolate doesn't know how to run the bases! Just your standard 3-5 DP.

See and then those bloops fall in and I hate that. Jeezy creezy.

But it could have been worse.

BOTTOM SECOND, BJs UP 1

Iceman! Tell me what's good!

Say you want a Kubelution! Weeeeelll y'know, Bert, I was wondering how you were going to tie that broadcaster's death to the HR. Surprisingly classy, guy. Well done.

Kalas died in the same booth I stalked Don Sutton in. Memories.

Uh boy, that probably didn't go anything like anybody thought.

Good baserunning Dlmn! See, he knows, playing a kooky left field, that the way oh, so and so who cares who he is, played it, (Snyder! Thanks Bert) but all funky, so turn on the wheels for the RBI Man, Nikolai K Punto!

Wow, I was joking LNP, but I'm glad you took me serious-like.

Are the boys in a slump? Could this be a slump-busting game? MORE TO COME

TOP 3RD, TORONTULAS 1 TWINGOS 3

1 pitch, 1 out! From Bert's lips to my fingers.

ALL YOU CAN EAT SEATS ARE BACK! Somebody who is more intrepid and industrious than I look to see if there are any in mid-late August. Because. Maybe. Just maybe. Somebody who's name rhymes with Par-lay will be in MSP.

Bert you are getting all meta on me! Bert Blyleven is watching you.

Man, Leviathan, I totally understand why you got out of the good Doctor's way. That is 530 pounds of 9'12" man sliding in their to grab that ball.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

It should be the Vikings Draught Party: AMIRITE?

Who didn't Bert pitch for? Well uh that's that.

TOP 4TH

Damn blast hell and spite! Cuddy almost had him! Lindt chocolate, I've had about enough of you (I also say this when I have had enough actual Lindt chocolate)

BOTTOM 4TH, 3-2 GEMINIS

Dammit, I hate when the Grand Casino commercials get in the way of first pitch XBH's (extra base hits. is this already a metric?

All Buscher does is hit doubles. I'm telling you.

Injured pitcher so I'm gonna put on some tea.

And is that that?

TOP 5TH, 4-2 GOOD GUYS

WV: I think he just scattered one to the upper deck.

RK: Wasn't Snyder a bad guy in one of the 3 Ninjas movies?

WV: Could be. I recall someone named "Tum Tum", perhaps an younger variation of Leroy.

RK: I remember singing "Rocky loves Emily" on the bus. In college. College.

Well anyway it's 4-3. We're working on some technical and visual difficulties

BOTTOM 5TH, J's DOWN A RUN

RK: Sandcastle smallballin' it

WV: That's a long single... errr double

RK: That ball was going 783 MPH

RK: Span the Bran Muffin - too fast for the naked eye

WV: They need to steal second so that Buscher hits a double.

RK: It's like a magical configuration.

WV: Cito Gaston is the Dorian Gray for sportsdom.

RK: Tally Hall keeping base stealing threat Kubel on the bag

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 3

RK: Scott Rolen. Who the hell is this guy?

RK: Anyway, being forward looking - I hope one day our guys can get a quality start

WV: So, holding the lead would be great.... I... I should say that more often.

RK: It's a luxury we often take for granted

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1

WV: Not to disrespect the dead, but what's the big deal with Mark Fidrych

RK: I have no idea who that really is. And I know that makes me terrible

RK: Scott Rolen will never be Mike Schmidt!

WV: Man the Yankees are awful

RK: I feel like this game is taking forever

WV: It must have the same producers as ER.

TOP 7TH, SAME?

WV: Gruyere, not melting under pressure.

RK: Generally not your fondue cheese

WV: But excellent for a croque monsieur.

RK: Or on triscuits!

WV: Go to Breslow - an intelligent decision. Because he, you know, went to a small liberal arts college in Connecticut.

RK: Yeah, the name eludes me

WV: Something makes me want to call it Fail. That's right, the Fail Slumdogs, whose natural rival is Hogwarths.

WV: We'll see if it was fortuitous that that was a strike out instead of a foul tip.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

 

The Slowey Foods Movement

PREGAME

RK and I are going to go off on what seems like an obfuscate and senseless digression - but bear with us, it ends up at Carlos Silva. But mostly, it's a moo cow!

RK: To understand baseball is to understand that the game played is not baseball as such. Let me be clear: baseball qua baseball (the theoretical foundation of this blog) is the noumena of baseball, but thing in esse
The game played is but a representation of various nodal points in the myriad contingencies and infinite possibilities of this noumena: in effect, the game played is the phenomenological understanding

WV: The interesting part of this myriad network of contingencies is that the whole phenomenon is bounded, like a non-neurotic id, by a system of rules and boundaries. By being subjected to an order, one can think of a baseball subject.

RK: That's right, this is the finite infiniteness. Nothing exists - the noumena after all only exists in that we observe phenomena - but once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, the universe can start. From that single node, necessarily

WV: True. In the sense that what we're observing is a "subject", there is introduced a sense of otherness, and also an ethics. Meaning, there is a right and a wrong way to cognitively analyze the game.

RK: And since we're not part of the game, we're others othering, opening up (I can't believe I'm referring to Derrida again) infinite ethics. And the ethics are simple: the game comes into us, and flows through us, and out of us. The way of watching, enjoying and analyzing it are many and varied - but there is also a correct and incorrect way to do this. The correct way is to revel. Revel in improbably comebacks, in hitters making good, in pitchers throwing strikes, and in Carlos Silva's specialty: the Sinker That Doesn't Sink

WV: Like I said, a moo cow.

TOP 1ST

WV: "FS Twins": The team that pumps gas for you.

RK: Fox Sports is always already localizing their coverage. From Fox Sports to Fox Sports North to Fox Sports Twins

WV: Jose Morales is hoping this thing wraps up before his curfiew, lest his parents ground him.

RK: Yeah, he's younger than some of the students I have

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: "15-Game Loser", with emphasis on the end of the phrase.

RK: I feel like Silva has no business recording an out - this has raised my expectations to titanic heights

TB: Sandcastle needs no stinkin' second pitch

WV: If things get dull, let's break down how much Silva is making per pitch.

RK: Maybe it's the uniforms but I don't notice 30-35 lb losses/gains. Maybe I just have an enlightened concept of body image

TB: Oh yeah, home runs do occur in baseball. Fascinating.........Like that.

WV: Nice that that occurs while Bert's talking about Silva "making things happen".....touché, Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Morneau is taking the dome roof down one ball puncture at a time

WV: With all these shots to right field, I have this nagging desire to purchase power tools....but I just can't think of where I can do it.....oh what's the name of that place...Hanley's? Stanky's? Oh, I'll just never remember.

RK: Sharkey's Wrench Emporium and Trade Expo Center. Pretty sure about that. 100 bucks

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP A DEUCE

WV: Why this game is fit to be tied.

RK: Silva, thou art loosed!

WV: I think the M's have figured out that Slowey throws strikes.

TB: It's a good thing they got rid of Ibanez or else we'd really be in trouble

RK: I believe there will be a timely GIDP. Then again, I believe in a lot of things that don't happen

TB: Slowey should probably just grow a goatee and complete the Radke-esqueness

WV: Rattled, ruffled. Dick, I see your confusion. One connotes a snake, the other a grouse. On one hand you're being threatened, on the other your threatening. It's ok. I can also speak in antithesis.

RK: The dialectic is, after all, according to David Harvey, how we naturally think

WV: On that plane, Slowey should start envisioning lazy fly balls.

RK: Slowing time would open up space

WV: See: This is the dialectic. That space was necessary so that Silva could pitch.

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED

RK: I have a good feeling the Span is gonna just cold bat a run in

WV: He'll unleash all of his fucklioness.

WV: Dick's befuddlement at Carlos staying in Minnesota during a "long miserable winter" has now alienated the entire fanbase.

RK: And there it is!

TB: Knocked that ball out. Cold.

WV: Stanley, that's it.

RK: "Explodes the bat right there" Exactly Bert

TB: I'm certain there's a rule against conventional dynamite in bats.

TOP 3RD, TWINS 4, M'S 2

RK: "Span the Man?" Gimme a call Dick, I'll teach you how to nickname

TB: What's next, Crede the Sweetie?

RK: Though I'm afraid "fucklion" is probably not conducive to cable television

WV: How about "Slowey the Flowbee"

RK: Casilla the Quesadilla

TB: Punto the C-- uhh...nevermind

WV: I have to say, I miss Telly and all of his awkwardness and parapraxis.

RK: Yeah, who will Telly it like it is?

WV: Poor Telly, an innocent victim of the stranglehold of Merriam Webster's semantic hegemony.

RK: You'll be happy to know Telly now works for the Brewers

WV: Is he the guy that goes down the slide when they hit homeruns?

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: Fan alienation continues: Bert picked Yankees to win AL Pennant. That's even worse than the alienation from my labor

TB: At least I hope he jinxed it. Personally I'm looking for the Bombers to lose 110 games

TOP 4TH

WV: Not a good trend with all these dingers.

RK: Must be the springtime Colorado air?

RK: Thank you for the update, Uncontrollable Id - but at least they have the new stadium! It doesn't matter if they never win another game!

WV: Ugh. Slowey's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.

RK: It's like he's having almost good series against hitters

WV: What on earth is happening?

RK: Yeah, where did my good feelings go?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS DOWN 1

WV: Just 1 run, it's still good, it's still good.

RK: I always hold on to hope

TOP 5TH

WV: It's not often that I prefer reading Lacan to watching baseball

RK: Yeah, my alternative is writing about Critical Discourse Analysis - which, I mean, is just the discourse analysis of Discourse Analysis, right?

WV: I suspect that that might be redundant. Just a hunch.

WV: You should just write "Discourse Analysis" onto a page and turn it in.

RK: It'd be a sealed text

BOTTOM 5TH

(Pulling A Blyleven is experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy the insane ramblings of RK)

This is the inning the boys get to Silva! I know this because Span the Bran Muffin just cold coaxed a walk. Do you even know how many walks he has issued in his career? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!

I don't either but I assume it is not many. OK here we are.


RK: Morneau straight husltin'!

WV: Now this is more like a Silva start.

RK: I love being right

WV: Right now they're explaining infinite ethics and othered otherness to Gordito on the mound.

RK: Yeah, keeping with the Kantian theme from the Pregame: Silva proves his maxim that "All bodies are extended"
Some more than others.

6TH

WV and RK: uhh...BASEBALL!

TOP 7TH

WV: Breslow went to Yale, y'know. Did you know that? Huh? Ivy League?

RK: He's a nuclear chemist astronaut!

RK: But you know, it's not art until it's been valorized

WV: Hold your tongue, Bourdieu!

RK: Hahaha, Leviathan was pointing to the wrong base. Redmond will attend to that, to be sure

WV: And Griffey can sit down.

WV: YALE! Scientists! Building things!

RK: Science! Industry! Technology!

BOTTOM 7TH

WV: Dimples, dimples, dimples.

RK: Buh, jibbabuh, wha?

WV: If that had been Breslow on second....he would've invented nuclear fushion with the base.

RK: Cuddy looked like his mom was gonna yell at him for that. Maybe she will

TOP 8TH

RK: "The back of your bubblegum card." Well i'm intrigued

WV: What's a baseball card?

RK: I like this "Market Monday." As if we couldn't further distort the importance of the DJIA in our everyday lives

WV: The dow is directly related to my personal self esteem, even though it affects me in no way, shape or form.

Wait a second.......

False consciousness? Hmmm? Engels? Bagels?

RK: Look man, all I want is a damn number to tell me everything I need to know

WV: Imagine if we could reduce other phenomena to a number. Like, cosmopolitanism, or imperialism.

RK: Another example of how baseball is a noumena - the numbers therewith only serve fleeting phenomenological ends

BOTTOM 8TH

WV: So this Crede guy.....

RK: I'm always one to root for the guys, but Crede has looked ugly tonight

TOP 9TH/POSTGAME

RK: Nathan's looking sharp.

RK: And that's 200 for Joe!

WV: Our bullpen, doing it's job this season. And Slowey picks up a Livan win.

RK: And so one of the infinite possibilities of the phenomenological representations of the noumena comes to pass. And who doesn't love it when that representation puts a W in the Twins' favor?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

 

Shoulda Been The Powder Blue

PREGAME

Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:



Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.














TOP FIRST

KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.

RK: Of course he did

KK: He just pulled a...himself.

DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos

KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.

RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault

KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.

DK: Who's the new sideline guy?

RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"

KK: I think he's a big deal.

RK: It's Jose Morales!

KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.

RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate

DK: QTF, Nikolai

RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs

KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?

RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass

DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat

DK: Looking for positive spin

RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist

KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.

KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.

RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would

KK: And to father time Redmond.

DK: dlmn mks th ctch

RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters

DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.

BOTTOM FIRST

KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?

RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop

DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not

TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks

RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion

DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year

RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good

DK: Shhh, don't tell them that

RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress

DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is

RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?

DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs

RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son

TOP SECOND

RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism

DK: Bert's optimism = win

TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede

RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede

TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there

KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.

RK: Or both! See how that works out

BOTTOM SECOND

RK: Well, not much to say there

TOP THIRD

KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?

DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone

RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now

RK: I miss OMG's arm

DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense

RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!

KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.

DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that

RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip

DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock

RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB

DK: Still can't get Beltre out

KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.

DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are

RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later

BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0

RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04

KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.

DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow

KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.

RK: How embarrassing

TOP FOURTH

KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE

DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"

RK: He looked pretty out to me

DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here

BOTTOM FOURTH

RK: The revival!

DK: That swing was pretty

DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?

TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS

KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.

DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!

RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song

RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!

DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop

KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.

DK: warming up H3

KK: Excite

RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him

DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie

RK: HELL YES

DK: in a word, w00t

BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!

DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"

RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple

RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez

KK: Punto, RBI Plz?

DK: Well, baserunners

RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line

DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos

KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.

RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick

DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"

KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.

TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3

RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?

RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question

KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.

RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.

DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored

RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored

KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.

DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there

KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.

RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?

DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins

DK: 98 MPH?

RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous

RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;

KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.

RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight

BOTTOM 6TH

Hahahahaha

TOP 7TH

RK: Crede, keepin' busy

DK: There we go, baseball gods listened

BOTTOM 7TH

KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.

RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches

SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.

RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past

SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.

KK: Betancourt is the devil.

RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag

TOP 8TH

RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good

BOTTOM 8TH

...

TOP 9TH

RK: What to say?

KK: Ayalalayalayala

RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten

RK: Jeezy creezy

TB: Eerrrrgh

KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.

TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?

RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably

BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE

TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock

KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.

TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars

DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit

RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?

DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet

KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.

TB: Cmn Dlmn

KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....

TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn

KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.

TB: Gdeye Gogoez

KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.

TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?

RK: I can haz Kubelution?

TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?

RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!

KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.

TB: Buscher. Well then

DK: how was that not a balk?

DK: I sense a meltdown

TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember

KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.

TB: It's fucklion time.

RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it

TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"

DK: that'll work

TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again

RK: FUCK YES

KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!

DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!

TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."

RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him

POSTGAME

Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.

Monday, April 06, 2009

 

Let's Get Restarted In Here

PREGAME

RK: They've been saving up years to start at the new field

WV: For the record, it's currently 43 degrees in Minneapolis.

RK: I hear from live correspondent KK that Carlos Silva was booed

WV: Well, that's better than being jumped by a mass mob of snarly Woebegoners

WV: Dlmn starts the season on the bench, I'm going to long for the hard hit grounders to second base.

DK: Alas...I'm going to long for the absence of all vowels from my speech

WV: Vwls rly arnt ncssry

DK: they're wearing 1982 throwbacks...those look best on the radio I hear

WV: I'll be expecting Mickey Hatcher and Roy Smalley to sub in.

TOP 1ST

WV: That awful screeching sound was Mike Sweeney's hip creeking as he approached the batter's box

DK: This at-bat brought to you by the letter K

WV: Not a bad start. Whatever happens, we can take solace in the fact that The Franchise makes a lot less money than SeeSee

DK: Captain Cheezburger did not adjust well to the Yanqui uniform today

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: I bet Target Field can't snag its grass around an opposing pitcher's ankle!

DK: Turf 1, Seattle 0

WV: This is the Dome's way of reasserting its relevance.

DK: i'm going to cross my fingers and hope they put in Silva

WV: Kubel can consider this a mulligan.

WV: Team trainers must all shop at the same Kohls. The knakis and white polos are all the rage there, I hear.

DK: I'm trying to figure out how an opposing pitcher getting an ankle injury elicits the dome PA blasting out "Working at the Carwash"

WV: OK then, I guess the ankle's a non-issue.

TOP 2ND

DK: New year, we must get Beltre out

WV: OK: Baggy 1, Beltre 0. Trying to put a positive spin on this.

WV: Ken Grffey in a Mariners uni! Holy crap, I just flashed back a decade.

DK: The 1982 uniforms don't help with that

DK: We're going to party like it's 1989!

WV: Someone quick! Send some syringes to Jay Buhner!

DK: Next you're going to see Randy Johnson, '80s metal haircut intact, striding out of the bullpen

WV: And alas, just like for most of 1982, we're losing.

BOTTOM 2ND

DK: Crede 0-1 as a Twin in rather short order

DK: Cargo, of course, taking in the fresh aroma of 2009-era bat

WV: We might need the turn to do us some more favors. Maybe next time break Hernandez's leg

DK: prediction: Redmond will try to go the other way

DK: or just strike out looking

TOP 3RD

DK: I'm tearing up - birthday tribute to Bert on FSN showing the WBC triumph over the DR

WV: Next year it'll be a HOF induction!

DK: we can only hope

WV: With the red caps, the Twins bear a strong resemblance to candy canes.

DK: Should I be praying for a Christmas deliverance of runs then?

WV: I know that the D.R., a small island nation, closely resembles Venezuela, a sizable South American country, but I think the Seattle duo needs to stop referring to Liriano as Santana's countryman.

DK: *shrug* 2nd-rate team commands 3rd-rate broadcasting I guess

WV: Then again, maybe Hugo Chavez invaded the D.R. when I wasn't looking.

BOTTOM 3RD

WV: LNP and I share a similar approach to facing Hernandez: Close your eyes and hope for a walk.

DK: Apparently

WV: Nothing wrong with a little small ball here and there

WV: It obviously helps when you have a singles machine like Mauer hitting behind you.

WV: BELTRE!

DK: ok...we'll call that a long sac bunt. positive spin 'n all

WV: I exclaim Beltre like Jerry Seinfeld does "Newman"

TOP 4TH

WV: Stacey: MLB Extra Innings has a free preview this week, so I'm camped out there. But your plight sounds uniquely modernist.

DK: KK's at the dome? Can't we get her to aim a laser pointer at Felix at opportune moments?

WV: You know, beyond that one bad pitch to Beltre, Liriano hasn't been half bad. And I think the laser pointer is a great idea.

BOTTOM 4TH

WV: Just keep repeating to yourself that Crede was an all star last year.....

WV: And pay no mind to the fact that Ron Coomer was also once an "all star"

DK: Beltre's been an all-star too

DK: Difference is, he's playing like one

WV: -----> Dome throws up hands and exclaims, 'Come on guys, I'm running out of tricks!'

TOP 5TH

WV: EMH: I've had the same problem, but it only seems to regurgitate the Flash download when I'm using Safari but works fine with Firefox.

DK: best sign I've seen today: "RED RIVER FLOOD TO METRODOME. CIRCLE US BERT"

WV: 1990: Ken Griffey Jr. hits an opening day homerun off of Bert. Go ahead, use it to impress your friends.

WV: Crap.

DK: Griffey 1, Baggie 0

DK: Redmond still getting abused by hitters

Wv: Holy splintered bats, Batman. You can poke an eye out with that sort of thing!

DK: Dick: "Redmond usually takes one of those or worse at least once a game"

WV: Sometimes, the opposing bench coach fires a blow dart through his aorta

BOTTOM 5TH

DK: I'm admiring Griffey's 3-hop throw to the cutoff man

WV: And his sorry excuse for range

DK: Span, time to be a fucklion

WV: Leodenardo ought to put his bo shaft to good use here.

DK: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, we spell OPS S-P-A-N.

DK: Cuddy needs to not get the silver sombrero here

WV: OK Dimples - you're on the road back to our good graces.

DK: I'll take solace in that we're not going to get shut out. Bases loaded for Morneau

WV: Ugh

DK:.....GIDP....sure

TOP 6TH, M's 2, Twins 1

WV: Hey, Roy Smalley really is there wearing a jersey.

DK: fact: Dlmn wld'v mssd tht

WV: Oh yeah, no question.

DK: we have angered the Turf

WV: That was not Sandcastle at his most graceful moment.

WV: Whatever happens tonight, we blame the unis.

WV: 2-run tater. Barf.

DK: I blame the unis

7TH, M'S 4, TWINS 1

DK: 2009: An assbat odyssey. that's about what it's looking like

8TH INNING

WV: Luis Ayala is here to ably step into Bass's mop up role.

DK: the Turf hates us

DK: Sandcastle is getting washed away

WV: There's no greater fury than a Dome scorned.

DK: 4-6-3 FTW

9TH INNING

ON BLOGGING STRIKE

Sunday, April 05, 2009

 

Smell the Turf Again One More Time For the Last Time

HI EVERYBODY.

We're back. Is everything the same as we left it? Nothing ever is.

You can never go home again.

So let's (re)meet your bloggers:

NAME: RK

HOMETOWN: FARGO, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A TECHNICAL INSTITUTE

LIKES: CROSSWORD PUZZLES, COLLECTING JERSEYS OF TWINS PLAYERS ONCE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON THE TEAM (MILTON, GUZMAN, PIERZYNSKI, SANTANA, AND COUNTING)

JOB: TEACHES AMERICAN POLITICAL THEORY

INJURIES: BRUISED EGO, BRAISED LEG OF LAMB, WEEVIL FLU, FIELD WORK IN KOREA (15 DAY DL SOMETIME THIS SUMMER), SLAVERY TO FASHION, UNTOLD HORRORS, ABSTRACTION, PAINT-DRINKING



NAME: WV

HOMETOWN: ERIE, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A JUNIOR COLLEGE

LIKES: RES EXTENSA, BRISKET BARK, LEW FORD BOBBLEHEADS, OH HENRY! BARS

INJURIES: TARNISHED REPUTATION, BROKEN PROMISES, CLUBHOUSE CANCER, NUPTIALS (15 DAY DL IN AUGUST), THOM YORKE'S FALSETTO, KVETCHING, THE LONG BALL



RK: Do you think they get sick of these ridiculous introductions every year?

WV: Well, over the course of the year we shed and regenerate a number of new cells, so I think it's only fair to let them introduce themselves.

RK: Yeah, and also, uh, who is "they?"

WV: My grandmother and a host of bots.

RK: FREE CIALIS

WV: I think we should go the Bill Parcells route and take Batgirl out of retirement, that'll boost traffic.

RK: We'll also sign Terry Glenn. Uh, football! (?) Eye on the prize here, people. We pride ourselves on our relevance

WV: To the chagrin of most everyone who stumbles across this blog. But I digress!

WV: So first things first, what ever will we do while Joe Joe's sacrilegious joint keeps him in DL purgatory?

RK: I, for one, hope OMG's injury boosts sarcophagus awareness. And good thing Elaine Chow isn't secretary of labor anymore! She wouldn't recognize it as a real workplace disability

WV: As a Latin scholar, I'm sure you're aware of that word meaning "flesh eating". So in other words, Mauer's got some problems.

RK: I'm mainly concerned about the toll this will take on Mike Redmond's body. He might disintegrate if this goes too long

WV: We'll need a sarcophagus if Redmond has to catch for any extended period of time.

RK: And who thought we'd be longing for Baker?

WV: Not me, but I also occasionally long for Tony Batista, so go figure.

RK: Hopefully the lemnas will heal him and he'll come back from Rivendell. And that's a good point. For the first time in a long time there isn't some lurking (c)agey veteran in the wings to provide us material

WV: And with R.A. Dickey making the team, the nicknames are practically writing themselves.

RK: Hope springs eternal

WV: But as you know, whenever the Indians or Bitch Sox are expected to win the division, things turn out fine for us.

RK: Absolutely. Let's go comment on other Twins blogs to artificially jack up our readership for a day or two. Deal?

WV: Alright, I'll be the flamer, you be the good cop.

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