Tuesday, September 30, 2008


It's A Beautiful Day For Baseball, Let's Play 163!


Apologies to Ernie Banks. I had to move my computer into the living room because I'm only able to watch the game on TBS, so that probably says something about my pathetic life, but whatever.

DK told me that in one-game playins, the away team is 11 for 14. So hey, that's good!

Let's see what we got here:

Nick Blackburn, who has not been pitching like the Dread Pirate Blackburn, more just like Dreadful Blackburn, but could it be that Ozzie's comments could fire him up and we'll see the Blackburn of July? Maybe

We have John Danks coming on 3 days rest. He's never had to do that before, but he only threw 80 pitches in his last start. None of this means anything of course

Hey Cal Ripken Jr. is an analyst for TBS. I had dinner with him once. He has scary white teeth.

WV is going to be here later - he has to give a presentation on Sartre, which could be apropos depending out the outcome.

My emotional well-being is at stake here. I'm gonna go put some coffee on and start saying ridiculous things in a few minutes. Could you be mine, would be mine, won't you be my coblogger?

Both pitchers are evenly matched, just like these teams are evenly matched. Let's go insane together.

Shit, I finished this 15 minutes early. What else should I say?

Eck and Rip picked Griffey and Thome respectively as their big guys tonight. I love this stuff. Remember in 2002 when everybody said the Athletics were going to romp all over the Twins and they were gonna lose in like 2 games and they wouldn't even show up for the 3rd? And then the Twins won it?

Gardy and Ozzie were talking, and that helps me remember that for these guys it's a game, and they can have fun with it, and they can laugh and whatever... errr, this isnt' working. Score 10 runs in the first like that one time against Baltimore. DO IT


LK: Interesting. Cuddy is DHing. Harris at third.


DK: omg...Harris starting...Gardy grew a brain?

RK: Did Span just get booed?

DK: and we can haz 6-man ump crew? kthxbai. 1.5 times the blown calls!

LK: We all need homer blankies. I hope any Twins fans at the game are wearing bright colors.

SJ: I heart when my boyfriend starts

LK: Does Joe-Ma look nervous? Maybe as nervous as he ever does, which isn't much.

RK: God I love Span in leadoff

SJ: leadoff walk! love it!

DK: Ball four, base hit. aw crap...I'm quoting the effing Hawk...damn yesterday's game being only on WGN

LK: Yesterday's game was on ESPN2 as well.

DK: school doesn't get the deuce

SJ: ps -- i left the bar to come home for the game so i could be with you guys...feel special 

DK: fact: Darrin Jackson was a Twin...1997

EH: I kept an eye on yesterday's game with the sound off.

LK: Remember when Alexi was the best on the team at bunting?

SJ: Yesterday's game was not the best...

DK: someone posted a gameday screenshot of the pitch thrown to Ramirez. my grandmother could've hit a homer off it

SJ: i love dazzle talking about the sea of black and how easy it is to spot your favorite vendor as they wear bright green

DK: in a word: fuck

SJ: argh!

EH: Jeez

RK: Now that's just dumb luck

DK: baseball gods, why must you provide the bitch sox with such favor?

SJ: do they seriously just boo everyone there?

EH: Probably

DK: OMG should line one off Danks' shoulders

SJ: So I have a tough choice, Morgan or Crown?


LK: FRACK! GIDP is what I wanna see.

RK: Oh, I had to remind myself to breathe just there

DK: There you go, DP

SJ: Nice work on the rundown

EH: Sweet

RK: Good job by Casilla there

DK: anybody else mad that after out-dueling the BItch Sox in the first 18 games we're playing this in their stadium?

LK: Yes, I hate the coin flip.

RK: The tiebreaker rules are stupid, to be sure

EH: yeah. why on Earth do they use a coin toss to decide?

LK: Though at least if we win the White Sox can't whine about the Dome.

SJ: Yes -- but just think of how sweet it's going to be when we get to celebrate being the division champs in their stadium -- we should spray champagne on their fans

LK: Who am I kidding? These are the Bitch Sox, they'll still complain.

EH: True enough

RK: Keep it down, Nikolai

LK: I think they need a few more announcers in the booth.

SJ: Woo!

EH: I'll take that


LK: Alrighty then, now let's get some hits! (And runs!)

SJ: I'm down for runs

DK: anyone got over/under on a bench clearing brawl before this is over? cause from the sounds of it you could cut the tension at the Cell with a knife

SJ: Ooooh

RK: Justin, please break your slump. I say this as a concerned citizen

DK: ok...Morneau, do some Waste Management and deposit that Danks garbage in the seats, please

LK: Please Justin, please get it together. ARGH. Why is Justin swinging at bad pitches? It's like he's Jacque Jones up there.

RK: Grumblecakes

LK: Good grief, make him throw more pitches, guys.

RK: Good thing we have Delmon up oh wait

SJ: Remember when we used to take about 10 pitches and then knock one out of the park? Let's do that. That's fun

LK: C'mn Dlmn!

SJ: I felt that swing all the way over here. Oh super... drink time.


RK: That Arby's commercial... good bestial fun (?)

LK: I'm still haunted by the talking baby commercial from earlier.

RK: Well for the love of...

EH: little green apples?

RK: Those are pretty tasty. Especially in a pie

LK: Let's focus on the positives: Thome is easy to double-up.

SJ: Thats right...go back to first. however it would've been quite exciting to see that double play

RK: We can still see one...

LK: Please let the Twins not make any big mistakes tonight (like losing a ball in the lights).

RK: The baseball gods are listening

SJ: Nice work blackburn!!

RK: The Bratz doll is up

LK: Stop showing that grand slam! (I was in the other room when it happened yesterday, had hoped to avoid seeing it at all.)

RK: Mr. Owl is good for a groundout, right?

LK: Let's hope so

LK: I thought we didn't walk guys. This worries me.

RK: I love being right

LK: Oh thank you, AJ

EH: Thanks, AJ!


LK: C'mon Cherry Pie!

SJ: Let's go boyfriend!

SJ: Are they seriously booing Punto?

LK: They're scared of him, 'cause he's such a tiny superhero.

RK: Nobody ever accused the Southsiders of being overly intelligent

SJ: That's for damn sure

EH: True story

LK: I suppose he's the only remaining piranha from that year with the piranhas.

LK: Keep battling, LNP, keep battling. Now I think "battling" looks weird and wrong plus it makes me miss BatGirl.

RK: Hell yes, Nicky

SJ: nice work LNP...way to get my 10 pitch at bat!!

SJ: are they seriously going to boo everyone everytime they come up to bat?

RK: Yes, because they're troglodytes

LK: C'mon, Go-Go!

RK: Punto: psych!

LK: IHOP hit .384 against White Sox this year? Wow. Had no idea.

LK: I'd love to see Danks throw the ball away.

SJ: I'm all for Danks wearing his arm out throwing to first if he wants...

LK: I just like to say "Danks" as if it's the bad sound your computer makes when you hit the wrong key.

RK: It is a good noun to verb

LK: Crapcakes


LK: Did the Twins not get my memo about scoring a lot of runs early?

EH: They want to keep the suspense going.

LK: TBS told them to, maybe.

RK: "Might be a close game" I feel like I could be a baseball analyst no problem. I'm probably at least half as smart as Eck

SJ: Can your nickname be "Captain Obvious" then?

LK: We all could do better than Telly Hughes. *Lots* better.

RK: Captain Slackass. I've always wanted that nickname

EH: Is Gardy nervous? He is totally speed talking.


RK: Yeah, he's totes mumblecore

SJ: I think this is a good time for some Mauer Pauer

RK: Unlikely with 2 strikes, but I'll take a single to left

LK: It's so nice to see Joe landscaping the batters box there. Nicer if he gets a hit too. WTF? Two strikeouts of Joe-Ma? How is that possible?

EH: Joe! what happened to one of the best eyes at the plate?

LK: Is Joe sick or something?

RK: Boy, ugly inning for the boys

LK: Good grief


EH: You can say that again


RK: OK, easy DP potential here, right?

SJ: Right

LK: GIDP would be fab right now, please. I get nervous whenever announcers praise any aspect of our team.

RK: Haha, you're such a good Minnesotan, LK

LK: It's true, it's true


EH: Hehe!

RK: Sit down, bitch!

DK: Dazzle you did NOT just call Konerko "Paulie"

SJ: Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one who heard that...I was thinking that the Morgan was starting to talk...

DK: Twins are tighter than things that are not fit to publish I see

LK: Ugh. But at least Justin caught it.

SJ: You're not Punto...stop trying to make the fancy play Casilla!

LK: Get some runs for Blackburn guys, please.


LK: I'm not sure playing Cuddyer is the best idea ever.

SJ: I think Cuddy might be a sleeper surprise here...I think he'll have a shining moment

DK: w00t

RK: Standup double!

LK: Thanks Cuddy!

SJ: Lt's g Dlmn!

RK: All's right with the world, Young swings at first pitch

SJ: Way to advance the runner

RK: Productive out

LK: Yay!


EH: Does Ozzie have a towel around his neck, or a really bizarre sweatshirt?

RK: Towel

SJ: Come on boyfriend

DK: Damn

RK: Bad call, dudes

EH: That is a good way for Cuddy to get hurt again too.


RK: BlackCatBurn

LK: I guess I can kinda understand why the Twins might try that given it was Griffey with the throw and AJ at the plate. End result still sucked though

RK: Mr. Owl is good for two groundouts, right?

SJ: just think if it was like kubel running in...

LK: Cuddy needed to do some sort of magic trick as he came in to distract AJ. Obviously

RK: AJ is bitching, further proving the Onion's hypothesis that owls are assholes

SJ: Blackburn on fire!

LK: Blackburn!

SJ: I think Ozzie should start talking more shit...

RK: I gotta say in re: Blackburn. I am pleasantly surprised

LK: Now seriously guys, score some runs. I mean it!


LK: A two pitch out? Darnit, Nick! Though I guess if you average it with that 10 pitch at bat . . . Still.

RK: Stop wasting ABs!

LK: Why are we making Danks look like freaking Cy Young?

RK: 2 out rally: I would like one

LK: Get big hits . . . at Denard's.

RK: Denard's, I like that a lot

LK: Some loud guy at the Dome yelled prices on Dutch Boy paint . . . at Denard's. It was hilarious.

EH: Nice camera work there...

RK: "You wanna get a lead." O RLY?

LK: Anyone know the pitch counts for Danks? Blackburn?

RK: Danks has 83?

EH: Danks has 83

LK: 84 for Danks now. It's like the announcers heard my request.

SJ: Those black towels will be nice to clean off the champagne we will spray them with after the game...muah ha ha ha

SS: So, one hit so far? Awesome

EH: but a bunch of walks - two I think.

SJ: it was a double by cuddy....then he ran over AJ...

RK: Well shit

EH: Argh


SJ: Sandcastle, washed away

DK: Grrr


SJ: nice snag!


DK: Glove save and a beauty!

RK: If you don't bring your bat to the game make sure you bring your glove!

LK: I like that Justin Morneau guy

DK: normally, that'd be wrong sport, but Morneau IS Canadian...

LK: He really should get a gold glove someday.

SJ: I love having first baseman with goalie experience...

EH: Yes please

RK: Who is in charge of the cameras?

EH: "A strike to die"

RK: Hahaha, it's like Hamlet in here

SJ: I'm loving these 1-2-3 innings by Blackburn


LK: And the English majors laugh out loud.

LK: I'm assuming Justin won't be bunting as Joe just did.

RK: He sure needs to figure something out

LK: Though no one would expect it.

SJ: Note to Justin -- one RBI from tying the druggie! Let's go!

LK: We think it'd be funny if Justin made it his "thing" to be behind Josh Hamilton and then rally to beat him.

RK: 6 pitches! They gotta wear this guy out! Get to that shitty bullpen!


LK: I'm ready to start swearing and I'm a mild-mannered Minnesotan, dammit. Blackburn's gotta be all SRSLY?

RK: You're right Nibbish, but of course we all hope for an outcome in the boys' favor

SJ: This is the worlds quickest game...

RK: Didn't Mark Mulder have a 1 hour 38 minute game years ago with the A's once upon a time?

LK: Their pitching coach is on the phone? Please call in someone awful, thanks.



LK: Bright side mode, no one was on base, and the Twins were gonna have to score at least one run anyway.

SJ: I like bright side mode...but FUCK

LK: I know, right. Figures it'd be Thome though

SJ: Of course. Just wait until we see the emm vee pee performance coming up from Dr. Neau

LK: I was worrying re Blackburn going into this inning, we've asked an awful lot of him.

SJ: Blackburn has been beautiful...absolutely beautiful

LK: And we didn't exactly let Blackburn sit down while we batted. Probably didn't even have time to wrap his arm.

SJ: I still have faith...it's not over

LK: But they have Jesse Crain warming up.

SJ: What goes around, comes around....we've got ours coming

LK: Danks can't keep on the way he's been.

SJ: We don't need the long ball (although it'd be nice)...our small ball is going to come through

LK: It would be really sweet for small ball to win the day, especially after all the Bitch Sox bitching.

SJ: all we need is that one bullpen pitcher before Jenks....

SS: the radio guys said there was work in the pen, that they thought Danks might have called down and said he was hitting a wall

LK: Oh God

EH: That was heart attack inducing

SS: good decision walking Ramirez.

LK: AJ's good for another groundout, right? RIGHT?

SJ: at least

SS: he's even in line for the DP

EH: perhaps a DP


SJ: Moons over Mijares!

LK: Will the other starting pitchers all hug now like in the last game of the season? 'Cause that was cute.

SS: the only thing that is keeping from freaking out entirely right now is that my mom just made pumpkin bars and they are delicious. As delicious as a GIDP would be from AJ

LK: GIDP, please please please.

EH: ok, well it was a grounder.

RK: OK, AJ is good for a million grounders

LK: Another out, please, that would be good. <--- stating obvious


RK: Delmon, thank you for coming up big defensively

SS: thnk y Dlmn!


EH: I am seriously gonna keel over here. This is killing me.

TB: Mijares rox the sox

LK: I honestly don't know how I survived game 7, 1991. I was much younger then, I guess.

LK: Danks has gotta be tired now, right?

RK: Only thrown 93 coming off of 80

DK: Harris, now would be an awesome time to get a hit

SJ: Do work son....and by son I mean the Twins

LK: Maybe he's rusty from sitting in the dugout all that time. Or something

SS: Delmon, if you had to get out, you could have at least hit Danks in the arm and knocked him out

LK: Heh. Waitaminute, i blinked and there was an out already? Crap.

RK: You know Dlmn and first pitches

TB: Brendan!!!

SJ: Nice work boyfriend

LK: Base hit!

SJ: here comes the small ball!

SS: beautiful! he was swinging well in that AB

TB: Marc Fein? Any relation to Sinn Fein?

SJ: tolbert running...

LK: I don't care what AJ said unless we get to make him eat his words later.

SS: Seriously?

SJ: yes...tolbert is the pinch runner, and was not prepared at all

SS: well, best of luck to my backup boyfriend

SJ: we subbed sexy for sexy....my thoughts anyways...

SS: I really wish they would stop calling LNP "Punt-o"

LK: C'mon Danks, throw it away.

RK: Oh fuck



[RK would like to apologize to contributors and readers of the blog. He's too jittery and "running around" to transcribe right now. We appreciate your patience]

SS: HR, that's pretty much ridiculous logic right there

RK: Yeah, that was pretty stupid

SS: like if the game ended 1-0 here, it would somehow be terrible if Nathan hadn't pitched

LK: Well that's surely what we'd all feel bad about. Awful. Just miserable.

DK: Well crap

DK: Thome needs to GIDP

SS: if he does, can we roll over the second out to count for the 9th?

LK: Yes please

SS: screw the old guys! now, as in the election, youth will reign supreme!

LK: HR has a mancrush on Joe Nathan.

TB: I mean really, who doesn't?

LK: It's the horseblow, isn't it? ;-p

SS: good god, does AJ think he's Billy Idol or something? He looks hideous


DK: so we're sending up a combined 0-6 to the plate in the 9th


DK: at least Span's walked twice


SJ: Remember how fun it was to beat them last time? LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!! Rally caps, baby!

SJ: KUBEL pinch hitting!

RK: Well... he's getting the bat on the ball

SS: he knows what he's in there for

LK: if he could connect with one of those fastballs, that'd be nice


LK: Okay, Go-Go could've done that. Or, you know, bunted or something.

SJ: Still have faith

DK: c'mon D'Nard

SS: ok, boyfriend #1. looking so manly, better get a triple

DK: triple and score on an error DO IT

RK: Well here it is

ALL: Shit

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Shout Me Out


Well this is it, huh? It's tempting, very tempting to say, "hey, even if the Twins don't make it, they were in the race the whole 162 game season, and isn't that great?" But I'd rather say, "hey, nobody thought these guys were gonna do anything, let's go to the postseason!" I don't think I'm saying anything too controversial right now.

So what does the scene look like? Unless the Twins W and the Bitch Sox L then the Monday makeup game comes into play. But here's what I like:

Twins hitters have owned Scrooge McDuckworth and the assbats have to stop, right?

Clevelandia is absolutely hitting the snot out of the ball. If they can make Buerherelhe hit the showers early especially, they may score double digits again.

EVEN IF it goes to Monday, here's what I like: Freddy Garcia and Magglio Ordonez are going to have a lot of reasons to spoil the White Sox season.

But let's hope it doesn't come to that, right?

I have to admit, as I've done before, that these games have far too much of an impact on my emotional well-being, even tangentially. Case in point: when Konerko hit that homerun in the bottom of the 8th last night, I started shaking. I'm not proud of this, and I don't recall it being this bad before, but uh, a Twins win would really go a long way toward putting my nerves back together. And I'm talking blowout here. I want the boys to bat around in the first. Morneau to at least put himself back in the MVP discussion (though let's be honest, it's going to go to Pedroier), and Mauer to lay claim to that batting title.

Ozzie threw a picture of his wife in his office last night, so he's clearly unhinged. Let's hope after today someone has to talk him off a ledge. Metaphorically, of course. I don't want anything bad to happen to Ozzie. And you know why? I kinda like him. Be honest, if he was your team's manager, you'd be OK with that. Fuck the rest of those guys though.

I want to see Thome re-crying those country boy man tears he had in the TerrorDome. I want J-Dye's steroids to fall out of his back pocket (kidding!) I want Swish's "don't give a shit" glaze to well... stay the same. I want to see the look on Griffey's face when he realizes he'll never win a ring.

I'm rambling, it's true, but it's more productive than other things I could be doing.

Who the hell's Jim Rich?


RK: If I were a smoker, I would have gone through 2 packs already

EH: Yikes! The game has only just started. Good thing you are not a smoker.

RK: And a fine start to the game for Senor Baker

SS: let's do this thing!

RK: Throw a strike!

RK: Jeezy Creezy I have got to calm down


SS: yeah, it's early yet. so far, so good

RK: A 5 spot would soothe me right quick

EH: Deep cleansing breaths and maybe some chamomile.

SS: I just hope our offense comes to play today

EH: Amen

RK: The telestrator's not working? Is this an omen, a portent, or both?

SS: well, since I can't see it, it can't be too bad. lucky for me, it's the biggest game of the season and I'm stuck listening on the radio

RK: With Buck behind the plate, a walk is just as bad as a double

RK: Clevelandia scored!

SJ: I heart Jhonny!

RK: Morneau statistically owns the Royals, so he's due, right? Ooooh and Hamilton re-took the RBI lead, so he needs to be due!

SS: Damn, a walk

RK: I'll take that, with Kubel Khan up

SS: yes, go MViceP!

RK: It's OK it's only the first


SS: I know I should be happy they got two on base. Duckworth will tire out quickly. it's just so hard to see so many chances go by us.

RK: Aaaand Bitch Sox have tied it

SJ: Nice bunt, Gordon, do more of those.

SJ: "I think the fans of the White Sox and the organization will be very disappointed if they don't get the division" really Dazzle? You think? that was right after he said that the Twins are the cinderella team

SS: I can see Punto in glass slippers

SJ: Alright Rocket Bats -- that's the only 4 pitch walk you are allowed today. now sit bitches down like it's your job

SS: maybe instead of the piranhas, we can have little singing mice

SJ: Sit. Bitches. Down....check ack, bases juiced for uribe with one out....

RK: Luckily Uribe sucks


SS: who is pitching for Clevelandia?

SJ: Bullington

RK: Some sort of aristocratic sounding name. Yeah, Lord Bullington III And CWS takes the lead

SJ: Clevelandia should just pitch Lee...it's not like they need to save him for the post season

RK: Wouldn't that be lovely, but he's got a sore neck. Another Chicago run

SJ: Bastard hitting my boyfriend....i kill you!

RK: Thank the baseball gods a baserunner

SJ: Time for a little game I like to play....Duck Hunt

SS: haha. let's capitalize on this lack of control by not handing them easy outs.

RK: Way to get the job done, LNP

SJ: Hehe -- Gordo saying "Ray-moan" -- it never gets old

SS: LNP, obviously helped by his fairy godmother, showing how it's done

EH: Sometimes I wonder why I bother listening to the game, you all with video and Gameday are ahead of my radio feed by miles.

SJ: I've got old school radio going on today

RK: It wasn't until Dick just said so, but this is the last time I'll hear them this year. God I hate the offseason

SS: my radio feed is pretty slow too, but luckily gameday is in the future and I can hope to keep up

RK: Feel better, laurel. Save your strength for the ALDS!

SJ: You wanna know what I could go for... a little "Touch 'em all" action

SS: a trip to Souvenir City?

SJ: I'm liking Span running the pitch count up...now if we can get the ball to go the other way... C'mon Span...you KNOW you wanna do a little duck hunting BASER! We're on the board!

RK: Well I feel good about that. If the Sandcastle is strong in low tide, I'll feel even better

SS: YAY! Let's just keep this going, show the M&M boys what to do

SJ: That kind of makes me want M&M's... hehe...Duckworth and Buck...kinda makes me want to go hunting

SJ: Bah


EH: Duckworth and that Queen song in the background kind of makes me want to go dig out my old Mighty Ducks tapes.

SJ: Quack quack quack..

SS: keep swinging, Charlie, maybe you'll give 'em a cold!

RK: That is a gem of a movie

SJ: It is a classic

SS: true story: the Mighty Ducks is a big reason why I wanted to go to school in MN

SJ: Hoping to meet coach Gordon Bombay? 

RK: Eden Prairie has that power over people. Or was that where they filmed Mallrats?

SS: I always thought Mighty Ducks was Eden Prairie, since the school in the 3rd was was Eden Hall

EH: Yeah, though that could have been a nice hybrid of Eden Prairie and Cretin Durham Hall. And they always claimed they were in Minneapolis, though that Diner car is in Downtown Saint Paul.

SS: yeah, I was so psyched when I first drove by it

SS: of course, I went to St. Cloud with all the country kids who had never skated before in their lives. major bummer.

RK: Doesn't/didn't the Huskies have a decent hockey program?

SJ: I don't think they do...but I'm biased

SS: they're ok, made it to the postseason last year, but no one cares much about them, not like at the U or UND

RK: I know nothing of hockey, except the coach at SJU was on the Miracle On Ice team

SJ: Nice work Rocket Bats!

RK: Alright, and now a ground ball right at someone

SS: How about we keep those wild pitches down to a 0

RK: Well hellbuckets

SJ: Wooo!! I heart stupid baserunners!

RK: Maier, I'm gonna buy you and all your family pizzas!


SJ: Oh Gordo -- "he must not've heard his alarm clock this morning because he sure isn't awake for this game"

RK: Bert: "But he got a great jump!"

SS: Yay, my present finally caught up to your future!

SJ: So I just heard the commercial about Bert stopping the drunk drivers -- hilarious

RK: Yeah, I like when he says he "dropped a dime" because to me that means smoking pot

EH: I wish pay phones still cost a dime.

SJ: Haha yeah

EH: Or even a quarter

SJ: Does anything cost a dime anymore?

SS: I think there is only one payphone in all of Lincoln

RK: hey're giving out 2 year leases? Uh... yay? You've won a car! FOR TWO YEARS


RK: Sign of the times. I'd rather win 10 british pounds so I could buy a house

EH: I guess they are hoping you like it so much, that you go ahead and buy it at the end.

SJ: Throwing error! Let's capitalize on this - Cm n Dlmn!

SJ: Charge the mound!

SS: Dear Royals, thank you for being the Royals. Sincerely, the Twins

SJ: Alright boyfriend, do work son

SS: Yabuta warming up? music to my ears

RK: While Tom Selleck squeezes his stress ball

SS: I'm watching the Cubs/Brewers on WGN, and they just showed some idoit with a sign that said "Time for a Century-peat (a World Series every 100 years)"

SJ: Wow...

SS: if you have to parenthetically explain your sign, it's not a good one.

EH: It is never good when you have to ..... exactly


EH: Future says good things!

SJ: The Twins have yet to get a hit this inning....

SJ: Argh, bad LNP

RK: At least it wasn't a DP

SJ: Come on GoGo...you know you want to go to Denny's for the Grand Slam breakfast...it's your faaaavorite

RK: He's a little excitable up there huh?

SJ: Oh just a little

SJ: Just imagine if we would've gotten a hit that inning...


SS: I really wish Span would have gotten a chance to bat with runners on.

SJ: Pinch hitter already...hmm...

RK: I didn't know Butler was so young

EH: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after that inning, I would say they might be feeling some desperation.

SS: yeah, he is. and he's married, which makes it even weirder.

EH: How young is he?

RK: 22. He must be from the midwest. What is it Jensen, 80% of our high school class is married?

SJ: He's still a baby!

EH: Geez! I am probably older than him.

SJ: Yeah...with kids

SS: nope, he's a Floridian

RK: OK, then he's wacky

EH: Perhaps a panhandler then?

RK: Ha!

SS: but yeah, I get the midwest thing. I'm about to turn 25, and I have a highschool classmate who just got married for the second time.

RK: Alright boys, go to work WITH HITS


RK: I predict a double

RK: I should stop predicting things

SJ: can switch hitters switch the side they're on during an AB? cuz that'd be pretty sweet

SS: I don't think so, at least they can't in college

RK: An ambidextrous pitcher in the Yankee organization put that question to the quick. Once the pitcher decides which hand, the hitter has to decide which side

SJ: Aahh, lame

RK: Kinda low there, blue

SS: yup. Creighton has a switch pitcher, they tried to pull a fast one on the Huskers once, but forgot the guy up was a switch hitter and it backfired.

RK: I recall that

SJ: Jhonny doing work...let's hope the team can capitalize on it...

SS: switch pitchers are crazy. the Creighton guy has a glove that looks like it should belong to one of Hemingway's cats


SJ: Nevermind-- Garko sucks at life

TB: Time is running out Clevelandia

SJ: Bullington is out -- Rundles is in

EH: I do not know if my nerves can handle sitting through a Sox-Tigers game tomorrow...

RK: Mine surely cannot

TB: What is with Cleveland and having british-sounding relief pitchers?

SJ: Los Tigres are still up on the non-deviled Rays

TB: Bullington? Rundles? Rinc--- oh wait, scratch that

RK: Yeah, but we're talking about pitchers, right?

RK: "Baseball gods, lower case" Way to be ecumenical, Dick!

TB: Ka'aihue, huh?

SJ: Sitting bitches down...I like

SS: oh man, CC is batting right now, he hit the ball a long ways foul, but just stood there watching it stupidly

SJ: Rocket Bats can sit down the side, and that's a fact!

RK: Now go punish the subpar pitching!


SJ: OMG -- Rincon is pitching

RK: And we'll see you Monday evening!

RK: When Frank Viola goes down to Florida for the Twins All-Star Fantasy Camp, do you think he checks his arm or takes it carry-on?

SJ: These days -- probably carry-on, costs too much to check it

TB: If he was flying Southwest he would have to buy a second ticket or something

RK: But we kid Sweet Music. When did Duckworth become Cy Young?

TB: Rincon wins! At least for now


SS: we've got to stop getting pitchers on the ropes then letting up

RK: Baker, that was beautiful. Fucking beautiful

SS: let's push that strikeout personal record, Rocky

RK: Well... at least Mourneau caught it, right?

EH: Always gotta see the good in the bad.

RK: Smart fans not reaching over - well done

SS: good that the fans are trying to help the team as best they can, by doing nothing. you don't know how happy I am to hear Justin make a good play. I feel like he has been struggling defensively as well as at the plate, even though he really hasn't

RK: Let's see if the bottom of the order can do something!


SJ: Goooo boyfriend


SJ: Aagh

RK: What did Sizemore do?

TB: Sizemore just robbed Asshole of an almost-homerun

RK: Excellent

WV: Who needs the Vikings right?

TB: I don't

EH: Not me

RK: What's a Viking?

WV: We've reappropriated RAGNAROK from Norse mythology.

SJ: I might, but that's cuz I'm constantly surrounded by Bears fans

WV: It's the Duckworths of the world that give guys like Brian Bass hope.

SS: Walk it out, LNP

RK: I see runners on the corners down in Chicago

TB: Yeah and Uribe just blew it, slow grounder to short and he didn't run

RK: I would love for the boys to take advantage of this gift-wrapped opportunity

SS: there's the magical 3 errors

EH: nah, they gave LNP a steal

RK: But we know better

SS: or not, apparently

EH: Which is sorta weird

TB: Blech, 5-1 bitches

SJ: I hate Dye. F'in Rincon

RK: The duct tape holding Rincon together could only last but so long

SJ: That'll teach them to keep him in for "just one more"

EH: Everyone has to learn that lesson at some point

RK: No steroids will do that to you

WV: A one game playoff looks likely.

RK: Unless they lose to the Motor City Kitties

SS: ok, boyfriend. here is your shot at getting another RBI

RK: OK then!


RK: I have to be perfectly honest, I am ill at ease right now

WV: I feel a certain latency, this is true. The 7th inning tends to be our starters' kryptonite.

SS: well, hopefully we can get a little more out of Baker, his pitch count isn't bad, and thus saving us from using the bullpen too early

RK: What a time for the feed to cut out!

WV: I know right Apparently there was an out.

SS: Teahen flied to Span

WV: Nice.

WV: Rocket Bats is a veritable Fucklion today. Meanwhile, Tom Selleck grumbles to himself in the KC dugout.

RK: "I used to make out with Courtney Cox on the teevee"

SS: that's the stuff, Rocky. 1 more K to break your own record

SJ: Ok...I'm almost done with the Clevelandia announcers...they're trash talking the Twins -- at least we're in a Pennant race -- bastards

RK: So unlike their teevee announcers

EH: who fall over themselves to praise the Twins and especially Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Deservedly so, natch

WV: I'm going to find those Clevelandia announcers and demonstrate what a real stiff neck feels like. Hmm...this could be taken as a threat.

WV: By demonstrate, I mean narrate in metaphors.


RK: Guys, I'm getting sick of saying this - GO TO WORK

SJ: "If the Twins lose today, they can just count themselves out. I don't see them coming in here and putting up much of a fight"

TB: In the words of Scar from Lion King... "IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!"

RK: As Bert would say, "That's why you play the game, though"

SJ: Exactly

RK: Though I hold out hope the Twins will not have to run down to the South Side

RK: Looks like the Bitch Sox are close to locking it up

WV: But think of how amazing it would be if we went there and won. Almost akin to a world series title.

SS: alright, Duckworth out, about 3 innings later than he should have, but better late than never

EH: Though I would prefer not to press our luck...

WV: This is true. I think this team pressed their luck many moons ago

SJ: Way to start the inning, Sandcastle!

WV: What's the batting title race looking like?

TB: Joe

SS: yes! let's play a little game of "hit 'em where they ain't

WV: Mauer is "auer champ". Only on this blog may the diphthong in Joe's surname be used in world play.

SJ: Going to the 9th in Bitch Sox territory -- quick, one of our players promise them cases of champagne!

RK: And Mosaic stopped working for me entirely

EH: The radio just said that Joe has a point lead on Pedroia.

SJ: and Joe dropped a base hit

SS: looks like Mahay was a good choice. whoa, has anyone been following the Detroit/TB game?

EH: No. What is happening?

SJ: Yeah...that one got out of control fast

SS: 7-7 tie, extra innings

EH: What a way to end the regular season.

SJ: Los Tigres were up by 4 going into the 8th or 9th...

RK: Y'know, I kinda expected that. What Morneau did just there

SJ: Oooo...do we have a 2 out rally coming on in the Indians game...

WV: It wasn't a double play, so. Count your tidings, RK.

WV: "Cuddy Buddy" sounds somewhat lewd.

SJ: Nope, Hafner fucked it up -- Bitch Sox won

RK: Alright, so Detroit is heading down to Chicago

WV: Anyone know the probables?

RK: Garcia v Danks right?

SJ: I think so

RK: Well well, if the Mets don't make a comeback now, they're done

WV: The fact that the Tigers are in extra-innings indcates that they haven't given up, so that's a good sign for tomorrow.

SJ: "Always get to first base by buying that special person a Summitt" HAHAHAHA -- I love it! Especially coming from Gordo

SS: is it weird for me to want the Mets to win, if only b/c that would make Jon Stewart happy?

RK: But if they don't, we know Jerry Manuel will be looking for work next year

SJ: Woo! Good hitting!

RK: Dlmn's beat is correct

SS: Delmonster!

WV: Wow, I'm surprised their CF didn't try to catch that.

RK: Torii's not out there

WV: I know right. And, a rare display of positive emotion from Gardy. Uh, Pridie is supposed to be fast, right?


WV: Really, I couldn't distract my attention from his unoriginal early 2000's goatee/mustache.

SJ: Woo! What a play!

WV: I think Reyes should pack his bags, because Mijares aint goin' nowhere. And he won't cost a lot of money

SJ: Si senor

SS: ugh, I lost my audio. gameday only it is.

RK: I think a lot of people are trying to watch/listen to this

SJ: yeah...mlb is being not fun right now

RK: they can't handle the awesomeness that is the MNTwins

SJ: It takes special people to do that


EH: Oh no! Will he get to his canoe in time, or will the canibals get him! I cannot handle the suspense.

SJ: This game better get done with quick; I'm hungry

SS: yeah, I wouldn't mind if they make this bottom of the 8th zip by


SJ: Tomorrow's game, 2:05PM EST Garcia v. Floyd

RK: And the Mets miss the playoffs

EH: That is sort of sad

TB: Oh darn. Are we going to liveblog that there game?

EH: Ooh, Gobble!

SS: Duckworth and Gobble in the same game? poultry-rific!

RK: I wouldn't mind a Mauer walk here to let Morneau try to retake the RBI lead

SJ: Their names are making me even hungrier....and I don't know what to eat!


EH: Wow the future is really good right now

RK: And now with a dinger, Morneau can retake the lead

SJ: And I believe that would most likely secure a batting championship

RK: Boston plays again tonight, so who knows

SJ: Who's pitching for the Yanks?

RK: Joe Bodus for all I know

SJ: Boo

RK: Oh well


RK: Heh, with the Mets loss I get the feed back. Normally I don't like closers in non-save situations, but what the hell

SJ: I'm trying to decide what I want to eat...our abundance of pitchers from south of the border have me craving a little Mexican food...

SS: mmm, that sounds good

RK: When I'm unsure, I look to whatever's on Food Network for guidance

SJ: I know -- Six Pack and a Pound Sunday at Taco Johns -- if only the six pack part was beer....*sigh*

RK: If only there was a Taco John's in Blacksburg!

SS: better make sure Mexico's favorite son, Joakim Soria, doesn't get in to pitch





EH: YES! I cannot beleive I am about to say this: GO TIGERS!

SJ: Hey -- we only have to be Tiger fans for 24 hours

RK: Freddy Garcia, you're my boy. Right now

RK: Like Bert said, the Motor City Kitties are gonna show up angry for having to go down there and they'll steamroll the Sox

Saturday, September 27, 2008


Razzle Dazzle


Well, here it is. The Twins need to win. The Bitch Sox don't need to, but would be helpful if, they lost. But anyway, as you all know, I'm stuck in Blacksburg, VA. And Fox picked up the game, so

NYY/BOS rained out yay!

I'm closer to PHI boo!

So I may have to live with radio and running Gamecast gameday, whatever. Because I can't count on Gordo and Dazzle to give me an accurate description of what happened. No, what I need are red green and blue dots. Don't you hate on gameday when the dot is blue but it doesn't say (outs) or (runs)? I hate that

You know what to do if you want in on this special Saturday action


Aaaand I get the Brewers. Welp, here's to you, Gordo

After a first strike, 3 straight balls from Perkins. Which is kinda like eating at Perkins. The first bite you're all "YES PANCAKES" but then you realize they're not very good pancakes and that you're getting full, but not in a good way but at least you're not eating at Ponderosa.

Sounds like people are crazygonuts at the TerrorDome. That's good.

I hope Glen doesn't decide to let every hitter get 10 pitches.

If the boys win this game, I will praise Brendan Harris for firing this team the hell up. I'm even fired up over the radio!


I do kinda like hearing the old familiar commercials though. I remember jingles. It's a weird talent I have. The CaRX song? I know it.

Oh no guys, no more backwards Ks. First of all, it's communist.

RK: OMG needs a double in the gap. Moreso, I need a double in the gap from OMG

SJ: You missed GoGo doing the starting lineup..hi-larious. and Bert and Chris Rose doing the commentary -- I'm in love

RK: Grumble grumble Mark Grace in Milwaukee grumble grumble

RK: Well, if nothing else the boys are making Gilgamesh work a bit

SJ: casilla steals third! woo!

RK: I love it when players steal third. That's always on the pitcher

SJ: uh huh -- he jogged into the base pretty much

RK: Man I would love a straight steal of home

RK: Oh dear, Hamilton's almost caught up to Morneau

SJ: bah

RK: Oh jeez


SJ: If they're voting MVP's on how many perfect pitches got past them -- Dr. Neau would win on that at bat

RK: Oh Dazzle, he said they were all really close pitches

SJ: If you call right down the heart of the plate close, then yes

SJ: So the random thing I forgot to tell you about GoGo doing the starting line-ups....he was wearing a Superman shirt under his warm up shirt
and was all like "batting 9th is me, Superman, ahhhhh" and he flew away

RK: That is pretty incredible

SJ: I think someone should get Bert and Chris a beer -- I think it could make for a more interesting game

TB: You know who I'd want to see alongside Bert? Joe Buck.

RK: Only if Bert punched Joe Buck is his nepotistic mouth

SJ: Oh that would be super.

WV: like in those Holiday Inn commercials where they want to touch Joe Buck's throat. Only more brutal.

RK: 6 in a row by Perkins and only on 200 pitches!


TB: Wait. Kubel going the other way?

RK: Where's Gordo from? I'm guessing iron range. Everybody I know from there says "cunner" instead of "corner"

SJ: Ooo...Bert and Chris are getting witty...I love it

RK: I have hope for this game; Dlmn swung at the first pitch; the world is back to normal, everything in its right place, God in his kingdom

RK: SJ, you best be getting some stuff they're saying, or I'm gonna break your other leg


SJ: Bert: "I love these graphics, if you throw it down the middle he hits .411. The other squares you'll see aren't as high" Chris: "I'll take Whoopi in the middle sqare to block"

SS: Fox is showing the Cubs, and the radio is playing college football


RK: Brendan Harris, you're the spark this team needs today. Much like that one thing Optimus Prime keeps in his chest. We can learn a lesson from SS, WV. Like poor children in other parts of the world, while we bitch about having to listen to radio, some people don't have anything. Won't you give 70 cents a day?

TB: "This twelve-year-old girl has never eaten. Won't you help her?"

SJ: Sorry, my money goes to the beer I drink during the games.

RK: You hear that, SS? No cents for you

EH: there is always gameday pitch-by-pitch

SS: I don't need your charity! I actually found the radio broadcast so I've got a little access

RK: I'm running it - exciting dot matrices!

TB: Awww fiddlesticks

SJ: Good deal SS, I was starting to feel guilty...


WV: I feel like bitching about this inning-ending double play, plating only one run. But some teams don't have ANY runs...like the Royals!

RK: You know what I'm learning? Nobody under 70 goes to Grand Casino

WV: I bet nobody under 70 lives in all of Hinckley.

SJ: They all go to Treasure Island Resort and Caseeeeeeeeeeno

RK: OK, this will sound strange. But my eldest sister got married in January in Hinckley because she's fucking insane. But I swear, somewhere between Hinckley and St. Cloud, on some highway (23?) there is a stretch of highway cleanup sponsored by 4 of the X-Men

TB: Hey I've been on Highway 23. Though I missed that sign I guess

SS: awesome. I never had the pleasure of driving that far up 23, but I don't doubt it. Good ol' Stearns County

RK: St. Cloud has a 5 Guys!

EH: as in the one that everyone is gaga about around here?

RK: Oh yes

SS: When did they get that?

RK: I dunno

TB: I'm certain I feel asleep at the wheel on that road, woke up an hour later, and then turned onto I-35 to Duluth like nothing happened.

RK: A double play here would just make my socks roll up and down

TB: That'll do as well

RK: Whew, got some help from Aviles there

TB: Aviles might have the most annoying batting stance ever

RK: Worse than Craig Counsell? This I gotta see... oh wait dammit



SJ: Bert already said that Rick Anderson is probably hoping that Perkins will go 5 or 6...heaven forbid he go anymore on 8 days rest...

RK: Perkins could stand to have an economical inning

EH: A hit!

RK: Not an error?

EH: i have no idea

RK: Gordo made it sound like an error is why I ask

SJ: Span stealing! Woo!

TB: Why must the FOX Scoreboard line make an entrance noise? What is this, PowerPoint?

EH: power point by high schoolers

SJ: I love when Mesh double clutches on the throw so Lexi can get on base 

WV: The Fox network is like the pretty but insecure girl at school; always making sure people are still paying attention.

TB: Gil, this isn't MLB The Show for PS3, you don't have to double clutch everytime you throw

RK: Gilgamesh beginning to crumble. Like in the story? No, wrong story. Who's his friend who died? My mythology is all wrong

EH: oh man, notre dame scored.... not that you all would care.... now i hear about the twins score.

SJ: Woot woot -- 2-0

RK: I care, EH. I like the Boilermakers

EH: Excellent

SS: OMG! I'm finally all settled in, and I get to hear OMG helping score my boyfriend

SJ: That was a lot of OMG...

RK: And now Morneau will hit an upper deck home run. WON'T YOU JUSTIN

TB: Good contact Morneau, we're making progress


RK: 'cept Jermaine Dye. Who is not cool

SJ: He's a wannabe

SJ: Woo-- a baser!

RK: That'll do - I can haz Koobelsmash plz?

EH: huzzah. double play

RK: OK guys I can do without the ending potential rallies with DPs


SS: however, if they keep scoring one run an inning before the DP, and keep shutting KC out, I won't argue

SJ: Neither will I

RK: That's true, but I also want Meche outta there to get into that bullpen

SS: yeah, maybe then can launch a couple in the next inning to run up the score, then go back to their pattern

RK: Callaspo, back to the dugout to man the steel drums

SS: I think Callaspo makes me think of calliope, is why I think of circus music, but steel drums could work too

EH: Or calypso

SJ: Guillen is a fan of Perkins...

RK: And that, Jose, is why you run hard out of the box

RK: I like that Glen, do it again

SS: why is it that gameday is sometimes in the future and sometimes in the past when compared to the radio broadcast?

EH: ah the mysteries of internet

RK: That's a great question, SS. I will say, talking to the head... internet guy at mlb.com, he designed the site with macs in mind

DK: He did it again, there you go

RK: Well if it's that easy - Gomez, hit a home run plz. Kthnx


RK: Brendan Harris is gonna do something here

RK: By doing something I did not mean strikeout, but there's still time

DK: two on for D'Nard

RK: And hey, we can't end this inning with a double play! Trick's on you, Gil! Sucks to your ass-mar!

SS: woo, I'm liking this version of IHOP that can get on base by hitting the ball out of the infield

SS: damn, the future tells me that my boyfriend grounded out

RK: He did, SS. He did


RK: Quik trip sells potatoes and onions for .39/lb?

EH: and do not forget the apples bananas and oranges.

RK: It's been too long since I've been to Minnesota

EH: ditto here

TB: Me too. Something like two weeks

SJ: I haven't been there since...Thursday

RK: I keep telling my former high school students who are at St. John's to sponsor me for a guest lecture but they are lazy no-good punks

RK: OK, Gordon will ground into a double play. Yes.

WV: "I think you need to get into those big time games and perform...to be a big time pitcher." Thanks Dazzle, that's brilliant.

EH: As always

RK: He understands the irresistible power of the tautology. A=A, bitches!

SS: SJ, does Gordon still have his ridiculous facial hair?

WV: He would've made a fine deconstructionist.

TB: How often are you gonna label "Twins/Royals" as a big time game?

WV: Well, Gilgameche is epic.

TB: Yes, in fact, I think that's one of the 5 or so things I learned in 11th Grade Literature.

RK: I'm sure Young made that look more difficult than it was, but now, now is the time for a DP for my mental well-being

SS: yes, Buck is not the most fleet of foot so a grounder would do the trick

SJ: Mother of...

DK: Did Dazzle just say "Dlmn playing the corner perfectly on that one"?

RK: Indeed he did

DK: It made me go O RLY?

SJ: If he did...let me tell, he was not. I swear it took him about 5 minutes to get to the corner. I wonder if Butler's ever been considered for a middle reliver...

EH: Agh!

WV: I've never been so anxious for Bonser to warm up quickly.

SS: yikes! Vi, if you hit into a DP, I will love you forever

RK: Yeah, he can still get outta this, he can still get outta this

SJ: Blah

EH: Or not so much

RK: Well... not the worst outcome possible

EH: True, true

SJ: Thank the good Lord...it's done

SS: we still have the lead

SJ: I'd really like to see that 17 game hit streak not extended today


RK: I'd like to get 15 runs here. Order up!

SS: I think the goal for this inning should be to get Meche out of the game

RK: "So that could be it for Perkins" Dazzle, I'd bet the rent on it

WV: Bad week to be ranked in the top 5 in college football.

SS: who is losing now?

WV: Florida

SS: beautiful

RK: Morneau, I am quickly losing patience with you

DK: Dr. Neau needs a new prescription of patience inducing medication

SJ: Dr. Neau is reeaaally good at watching perfect pitches go right by him....except for the last one that he swung through

DK: Fuck

RK: So much for this inning's goal


SJ: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF, Bert better say it, he's on national TV dammit

RK: This commercial about Morneau being a premier tattoo artist is dripping with unintentional irony

SJ: Bert...that was the weakest "BOOOF" I've ever heard...so disappointed

SS: hopefully the Boof, as Bert is wont to say, is on fire today

RK: The outcome of this inning will have a direct correlation for how much whiskey i'm going to put in the coffee i have brewing

EH: not a very auspicious beginning

RK: Dazzle sounded really disgusted with Bonser there

SJ: I'm disgusted with Bonser right now

WV: Well, this has put me in a sour mood.

SJ: I'm switching to whiskey...which could make for an interesting evening

WV: I mean, why is Bonser your first call to the pen anyways? I know he's been decent lately but his ERA is still 5.80 or so

RK: Hahahahahah, oh you laugh or you start crying

TB: Oh snap. That would have just been rotten

RK: I'm glad I didn't see that

TB: It was not cool. But way to go you silly ol' Bulldog

RK: OK OK OK OK ground out

SJ: That was a little intense... Maybe too intense for one out...

TB: "We're all the way out here in the bullpen, and you'll never guess what we've found. The internet! Seems it can't hide here either."

RK: Dazzle: "Way outside" MLBGameday: "more inside than the first pitch"

EH: !

RK: OK OK OK OK one more out

SJ: What a snag!

DK: Guerrier you beast you

RK: Dear baseball gods, don't you ever let this happen to me again

SJ: Do you think they call Guerrier grandpa since he's like 30 years old...he's creeping up to Redmond and Punto...

EH: you are a Twins fan, that is like asking for it to never rain again.


SS: whew, I can live with a tie game for now

DK: wonder if Gardy's wishing he could take a mulligan and just leave Perk in

RK: Hopefully that lit a fire under their asses that they have to score some damn runs

SS: and in other news, Dlmn swung at the first pitch

DK: dlmn mssd th mm

EH: Shocking!

SJ: I am shocked

SJ: So what do you think Dick is doing without Bert today?

RK: Eating pounds of sausage links

DK: remember when the Royals were good for at least 3 errors a game? I miss those Royals

SJ: Me too

RK: Remember when knocking Meche out after 5 seemed like a really reasonable goal?

SS: we were such idealists in our youth

RK: Now we are wizened, hard, and cynical


SJ: denny's

RK: Out of context, that's really funny. Or it's at least tickling me anyway, like "yknow what? Denny's. I said it"

SJ: I like Denny's

DK: "A foul grand slam home run by Alex Gordon..." says Gordo...doesn't the whole "foul" bit negate the rest of that sentence? Or have I had the rules wrong for all these years?

SJ: I get scared when he throws more than 4 pitches. QTF?

SS: alright, Vi is quickly becoming dead to me, and I'm not very happy with any of the other Royals either. I'm stripping them of all the nicknames I've given them in the past

RK: Thoughts are brewing in my head that I can't believe the Twins wasted all that effort sweeping the Bitch Sox just to piss it away now

TB: Again, Gardy. Why is this the thought process? "Let's see, tie game, runners on, important game to win. Let's put in Crain"

RK: What else can you do? Everybody's thrown their arms off

TB: Moons over Mijares or something. Did he pitch last night?

RK: I bet you'll see him next inning

SS: nope, he shoud be good

RK: Even when things go right they don't go right

RK: This game is making me ill

WV: This is just ridiculous

SJ: Morneau!! You forgot to say "go go gadget arms!!" AHHHH so close!!

RK: Just think, no wild pitch, infielders aren't playing in

TB: There goes the MVP

RK: He probably lost it in his ABs the past week

WV: Overall, I think he lost it by not being the most valuable

EH: that could be the key

SS: ok, time to stop the bleeding. good start with an out

RK: Apparently they turned the fans on when Teahen hit that

RK: Alright guys 9 outs left, now go to work


SS: I really want not to be really torn up about this game, but I just can't help it

RK: Yeah, if this is how it's going to end, at the hands of the Royals, I would rather have had the team swept by the Sox, blasphemous as that sounds

TB: Myself as well.

SS: it's like the Royals are trying to cash in on some debt we owe them for helping us get into the playoffs in '06

RK: Ha, that may be it!

RK: Cargo has to get on here, right? I mean, the only time we've touched Meche was when the leadoff man was on

DK: Well there you go, he's on with an E5

SS: I'll take it

RK: Here's their chance!

DK: D'Nard as the tying run...this has so much poetic potential here

SS: boyfriend, I would like you to hit a triple here, please!

DK: Since Dick is absent, I shall do it. THREE and one with Casilla on deck!

DK: ihop ihop ihop all the way to 2nd base

RK: I hope this payoff pitch treats Span well

DK: Yes it does - free pass

RK: double steal DO IT

DK: followed by squeeze play DO IT?

RK: Yeah why not?

DK: y'know...D'Nard could probably score from 2nd on a squeeze. He's done it before

EH: Good-bye, Gilgameche

SS: Adios, Meche!

DK: "Royal 55, turn left, contact departure...cya!"

TB: Oh geez

WV: ??

TB: Nobody here speaks airplane nerd, DK

DK: I said what I said...

DK: way to flop down for drama, lexi

RK: We'll see if Casilla wants to be the hero again

DK: Or not

SS: that's the beauty of this thing we've got going, right? no one is watching the same broadcast, no one is speaking the same language, but it somehow seems to work

TB: Nope he doesn't

RK: OK now double steal for real

TB: That's a million dollar fine in my book

SS: except when the future brings bad news, like how the sandcastle is crumbling. OMG, your batting average is dipping. I need you to get a hit. you need you to get a hit

DK: is OMG above red lights?

RK: Haha, he'd never swing at a 3-0

TB: No of course not

EH: No need to swing

RK: Justin, you can reclaim your MVP status right here

DK: Justin, we wouldn't complain if you upped your RBI total a bit more

DK: Hamilton's in the rearview mirror and all

SS: how about a grand slam of the fair variety

SS: none of this foul stuff like Gordon likes

RK: You know, the kind that score runs

DK: Mutter, not quite. 6-4-3

EH: i really do not like it when the future says things like that

SS: on the first pitch? who doe she think he is, Dlmn?

DK: you like it as much as I like being the bearer of such news

RK: OK I'm gonna go throw up


RK: This is rigoddamndiculous

WV: This is as ridiculous as that time we had Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low it was ridiculous

EH: here is another shocker: the Nats just lost

DK: the Royales are taunting us now, they're stealing bases

TB: I know, my roommate the Phillie Phan just squealed

DK: Gordon's dancing on 2nd going "Pitcher pitcher pitcher! You caaaaan't get me"

SS: damnit, Alex. I hate you and your stupid facial hair

WV: I was waiting throw in "Royal pain in our asses" but that seems like a ship that has long since sailed.

WV: I had to read Sartre and other existentialist stuff for a class before the game and I have to say, I sure do feel a lot of nothingness and anxiety.

RK: The abyss is currently staring back into me

DK: he's in ur infield, stealing ur bases...

SS: fuck. just fuck.

TB: No, Buck. It's John Buck

DK: aaaand for those scoring at home, that's a 1-2-5-1-6 FC

TB: Pinko: Ya'll get on outta here!

RK: Or even if you're not. Huh, sounded better when Olbermann would say it

WV: Wow, Michigan came back down 19-0. Wanting Wisconsin to lose is my only real ambition now.

SS: I'm trying to store up all my college football energy for the "big game" starting in about an hour

TB: Ok. OKAY. Come on boys

RK: The little guys have had to shoulder the load the past week, they're gonna have to do it again. I don't like their chances against the likes of Soria


DK: whoa...a Tolbert sighting

RK: Delicious! Raymoan Ramirez. Glad to hear that

DK: normally pitchers whom Gordo called Raymoan end up sucking. good sign

TB: Infield hits really taking their toll, Bert

EH: well, lead off

RK: Maybe Young will make us all deliriously happy?

SS: I'll likely be delirious regardless, hopefully the happy part will be true as well.

RK: Well that was like a swig of lukewarm water


DK: Moons over Mijares in

TB: well if it means anything, the Indians are winning

DK: I was really looking forward to wanting the White Sox to lose, instead of needing them to lose

SS: I still have a tiny kernel of hope

RK: Me too. Like I said, I can't help it

DK: I have faith until all 27 outs are recorded, as misguided as it may be

RK: Alright, well, let's see what the top o' the lineup can do


SS: well, KC has two errors so far, RK. can we count on them to commit another one so we can actually capitalize on it?

DK: I'd like to see Soria commit a couple errors in the form of meatballs over the heart of the plate

RK: Everybody's got a blow a save sometime

DK: that's a start

RK: "Possibility Morneau will bat in the inning" At this point, Gordo, that's more of a threat than a promise

SS: yeah, don't set him up to crush our dreams

DK: sshhhhh Soria can't find the plate

TB: Would it be too naive of me to want Morneau pinch hit for?

RK: Hopelessly

DK: with whom, dare I ask? Cuddles?

TB: Macri

SS: that's a tough call. right now I'll settle for anyone who will stand in the box and not swing

DK: well, ask and ye shall receive as OMG is up

SS: let's let Soria make as big of a mess as he can

DK: and his patience at the plate approaches that of a Zen Buddhist

SS: ohmMG

DK: Curse you baseball gods, my head visibly hung there

RK: Seems something like that has happened every inning

SS: please give Tolbert the chance to be a hero

DK: and of course it would go to a full count just to torture us

DK: hate

Friday, September 26, 2008


In The Driver's Seat


OK, we really know the MNTwins don't fully control their own destiny. If both teams win out, then there's the non-playoff play-in at USCF. You may know it as Comiskey. BUT! - yes, if the CWS lose and the MNTwins win, then the magic number (isn't it great that now we talk about the magic number as a good thing?) is 4, could make things a hell of a lot easier.

There are two guys standing in front of the teevee tonight and I guess we're supposed to watch? I'm probably the worst political scientist since Samuel Huntington (zing!) but this game is more important than the debate. OK OK, I'll put on the... CNN? Whatever in the background.

Oh Dick and Bert, so good to be here.

Email/IM me if you want in on this special Friday liveblog


RK: They're wearing the Sunday unis. I hate the Sunday sleeveless look

SJ: I like it... and speaking of sunday...i may be at that game 

RK: Jersey's oughta have sleeves, and that's that. You lucky duck

RK: Delmon Young freezes on fly balls so much DQ should sign him to be a pitch man. AND CLEVELANDIA IS UP 1!

SJ: He could be Blizzard of the month. Woohoo!


SJ: Let's go Sandcastle. We know after last night you know how to hit

RK: Trey Hillman has a Tom Selleckesque quality about him

SJ: Hehe, oh baby oh baby

SJ: I need some whiskey

RK: Absolutely

SJ: Woo, a baser!

RK: I have never been this glued to a game involving the KCRoyals

SJ: i don't think anyone has....even royals fans

RK: Dr. Neau owns the Royales though. I like him up here. I think he'll hit a dinger tonight

SJ: I like where your heads at. Maybe go all Longoria-like?

RK: That would be a thing of beauty

SJ: Or not


RK: Heh, Bert just called the Royal pitcher "Zeinke"

RK: i can't help but like the royals. i hope they lose every game against the boys, but i just can't hate 'em

SS: yeah, the Royals play the game right. It would make me happy if they don't lose the division, as long as we make the playoffs

RK: OK then, grounder right at somebody yes please

SJ: only one batter in the royals line up has hit a homer against liriano... and it's this guy

RK: Who hasn't Miguel Olivo caught for?

SJ: i'm still not used to "Target Field"...doesn't sound right...

TB: Well, you'll have all of next season to get there...

RK: I don't like that name one damn bit

TB: I would have fallen in love with Land O' Lakes Field myself

SJ: Target Field next to Target Center....it's too much Target... I love the place, but seriously

RK: Hennepin County paid 2/3 the cost, I'd like that recognized in the name, but alas

RK: 2-0 Cleveland and I'm so very much ignoring this bases loaded jam right now la la la

TB: 'Tis over, at least it is in this dimension

SS: Whew

RK: I've caught up to your future, TB, now let's save John Connor


TB: So is Karleeeeeeeeeee still at the Dome making out with Span? Or is she back

RK: KK is at the dome; makeout status unknown

TB: Holy crap, is Telly an elf?

RK: Um no, see Scott Baker

SJ: I'm still disturbed that LNP is the spokesperson for Continental Diamonds... I just picture him all blinged out

TB: Oh..there's Span...no lipstick stains

SS: or that a woman would like him enough to accept a diamond from him, SJ?

RK: I may have trolled some CWS message boards, and let me tell you, Southside fans have a thing for Natalie Punto

SJ: Well, I think I may accept a diamond from him...I mean, it is LNP. I bet he gets a discount. Maybe he hooks the rest of the guys up?

RK: Good AB, Dlmn. I can't believe I'm saying that. CWS have pulled to w/in 1. Hrmph

TB: I was going to say...it would have been a rather strange alignment of the planets to have a great at bat from both Dlmn and Buscher...alas


SS: at least we're getting some hits

RK: Yeah, this Davies guy is no slouch. At least we're sorta making him throw a few pitches

SS: Davies has had a couple of good starts back to back, but Splitty just let me know he's been struggling out of the stretch so hopefully we can keep it up

SJ: Well son of a...

RK: It all... it all happened so quickly

RK: Alright, so now Frankie needs a strikeout. Aaaand the White Sox have taken the lead

SJ: "Delmon Young does have a good arm in left field" -- thanks Dazzle aka Captain Obvious, I was not aware of that

TB: F-Bomb throwing batting practice I see

SJ: Frankie gone wild

RK: Well this isn't going at all like I planned

SJ: Why are Gordo and Dazzle talking about Ichiro? Did I miss something? Are we all of a sudden playing the Mariners?

RK: Ha, well y'know, apparently someone in the M's clubhouse wanted to get all LL Cool J on Ichiro and knock him out

TB: Wellllll

SJ: Frankie (says) relax

SS: ugh, I hate when the minor leaguers act like big leaguers

SJ: Haha, it's better vice versa

RK: That's true, laurel, the money helps, but it irks me to no end that the taxpayers of Hennepin County don't even get to see the stadium they mostly paid for named appropriately

SJ: Well hot damn, we got an out

TB: Woot another one

RK: I can handle down three. Let's keep it that way

TB: As pathetic as it is that we're celebrating getting the Royales out

RK: This team is playing their best baseball this season. These aren't going to be easy wins, if wins at all

TB: Well that's just great

SJ: I'm so glad I can't see the game sometimes..ie, now

SS: ok, I'm switching over to the radio, I don't think I want to see it either

RK: Down 4, I don't like that so much. And 'cisco has thrown about 60 pitches

SJ: Humber warming up

TB: You know I think Mauer himself is resisting the urge to charge the mound...

SJ: Now that would add some excitement to this game

SS: ok, I'm going to try hard not to freak out. It's early, we can still get to Davies

RK: It is safe to say, Liriano does not have his best stuff tonight. Make me an ESPN analyst immediately!

SJ: Woo! The half of the inning is done!!


TB: So now let's score 55 runs and then go home and have cake

SJ: Ice cream cake?

TB: Sure Cold Stone Cake

SJ: Even better

RK: Span eats Stone Cold cake. Granite frosted with iron filings

TB: So that's how he keeps his fucklion mane so thick and manly

RK: That fierce a chin strap at his age is no accident

SS: now this is analysis you can't get from ESPN

SJ: very true

TB: Nope...or any sort of Twins coverage for that matter

RK: Oh, my apologies, er, the Mets need Jerry Manuel to keep them loose, because THAT'S HOW YOU WIN BALLGAMES

TB: So was Gardy notified that Pinko is .185 against the Royals? Because if that's not a reason to put Brendan Harris in tonight, nothing is

SS: I've also heard it's useful to score more runs than your opponent, when looking to win a game

SJ: Yeah, I'm disappointed my boyfriend is not playing... Thats crazy talk Stacey

TB: Punto: These Royals pitchers and their crazy fastballs are just so baffling to me

SS: I demand more triples from IHOP

RK: Oh my god that was the dumbest question yet from carsoup.com

SJ: What was it?

SS: even dumber than the one from St. Cloud yesterday?

RK: "If there's a tie in the division, why would the game be played in Chicago?"

SS: because Minnesotans just didn't want it enough to have the game played there

SJ: We don't like our baseball here

SS: they could learn a thing or two from Sarah Palin

TB: Because head-to-head records apparently aren't decisive enough to determine who has the advantage

SJ: How did Bert answer?

SS: shit, Span? why do you have to be a bad boyfriend?

SJ: Because there is more Coors in Chicago?

RK: He answered correctly, and said something to the effect of your point, TB


SJ: At least your boyfriend is playing SS..

TB: They should play it in a neutral stadium, like Midway Stadium

SJ: Hell, they should just do it in Yankee Stadium

SS: apparently it's not being used

RK: Interestingly enough though, they're not starting demolition on it till 2010, so clearly they're hedging their bet about the new stadium being done on time

TB: "Oh...sorry...THIS is the last year of legendary Yankee Stadium!!! Come one, come all!!"

SJ: ahahahaha

SS: alright, Kiko, if Davies can strike out the side, you can too

SJ: aaaaand humber is back to warming up

TB: It's like those furniture companies that have three-year-long going out of business sales

SJ: there's one in the area here that I swear is going on 5 years...

RK: Hey, going out of business can be good for business

SJ: i should really stop in and see what they got

TB: They probably have like half a futon and a badly stained mattress

SS: everything must go!

SJ: Joseph Moses III is the contestant for something tonight....that is one hell of a name

RK: He has a beard, guaranteed

SJ: my thoughts exactly

SS: Bet he only wears sandals

SJ: and he's obviously catholic

TB: I bet he could part the Technicolor Sea or something

RK: Is one DP too much to ask?

SS: I love Vi, and I want the best for him, but I am so glad he just lined out. Kiko is "pitching on thin ice" according to the Royals radio guys

SJ: well, he is in MN and it is fall...

RK: That does explain a lot. "Y'know, there's two sides to the plate." Oh Bert. I love you

SJ: Just two?

RK: Are you questioning Bert?

SJ: QTF on that sequence?

TB: That was an unnecessarily immature game of pickle!

RK: The rundowns... not been good. EMH, email a screen name and join in!

SS: I can't help but get excited when there's a pickle, even when they don't end well. Probably seen Sandlot a few too many times.

RK: The Fox stole home!

SJ: who stole home?

RK: No one, just a line from the Sandlot

DK: it's the jet stole home 

RK: Well there's the source of confusion

SJ: Yup

SS: Yeah yeah

SJ: nice work RK

RK: You, SJ, of all people should know better than to assume I know what I'm talking about

SJ: good point

DK: Rrrriiiing him up


RK: How many pitches has the Davies had? I am ready for him to be done

SS: 55... OMG... 56

RK: Morneau needs to come up like a fuck lion right 'bout now

LK: Morneau is so due. Or deau. (If you're Canadian)

RK: I'm just glad Dick didn't say "Quickly 0-2" There is no other way to go 0-2 if not quickly

SS: I like the idea of the fuck lion, but feel that it doesn't come across quite as well from a woman

RK: Fair point, but every time I say I think of this and that's always a good thing

RK: Yes, OK a million people. Transcription is going to be the bees knees

LK: Morneau beats the relay? That's gotta be at least as rare as a blue moon.

SS: does anyone else ever think of circus music when they hear Callaspo's name?

RK: Small victories, I guess. Maybe next we can dare to dream of consecutive base hits?

DK: Shhh. RK, consecutive base hits...what will you think of next? 1-2-3 innings by the pitching staff?

SJ: I think I need to take another percocet. Such crazy ideas



SJ: boyfriend!

RK: That's the first time anybody has ever said that, TB! That's a fact! But I'm glad he's in there

RK: The Team-With-The-Racially-Insensitive-Name-That-Plays-Near-Lake-Erie has retaken the lead!

LK: I just love the footage they keep showing of Go-Go hula-hooping. Would rather we had new footage of IHOP triples, but whatever.

SJ: i like how dazzle just thinks that buscher is injured....yeah, it's called hitting into a dp in your only at bat

DK: My god..the Royals have learned how to hit for extra bases

TB: Brendan's entrance does nothing to prevent the continuance of Royal hittin'

RK: The only thing worth noting so far in this game is that Twins fan eating half a hamburger in front of the camera to the horror of his girlfriend

SS: the Royals broadcast had IHOP dancing in the dugout earlier, no hula hoop though



TB: Ehhhhhhhhh *grumble grumble grumble*

DK: RK: odds of a strike?

LK: Aaarg!

TB: Wait- what is Liriano still doing in the game?!

SJ: So Gardy...you know how you just benched Buscher...maaaaaaaybe you should try benching Frankie -- Humber is up for the third time...and it's the charm for him! Line change!

LK: And now they're taking 'Cisco out. And I'm becoming more interested in watching the Cleveland game on Gameday.

RK: DK, well, I'll probably stick around. I mean, I'll just keep refreshing my caucasian and see what happens

TB: First pitch strike! Why wasn't Humber just the starter!

DK: well, I just got here, thus I don't want to see a strike, unless they come in triplets against Royal batters

LK: Garko with a grand slam!!!!

SS: Gordo, if you love me even a little bit, you will get out right now!

LK: Cleveland 9, Bitch Sox 4.


DK: Clevelandia just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Garko

SJ: Ha!

SS: Hum, please pitch like you did at Rice. I hated you then, but now you're on my side

SJ: I like how the crowd cheered its loudest so far in this game when they updated the score of the Clevelandia game

TB: Holy hell, way to go buddy

DK: Humber K2

TB: "That's how you win Cy Youngs, baby!"

SJ: At least somebody is following their job description

DK: "Frankie, gimme the keys man!"


SS: lts g Dlmn!

LK: Brian Buscher is throwing up in the tunnel, that's why they put in Harris.

DK: THREE and 0...with Harris on deck

LK: I kinda felt like throwing up for a bit there during this game too.

DK: Dlmn wlks

TB: Ruh Roh

LK: It doesn't sound like they played "Cherry Pie" for Harris for this at-bat (as they so often do). I always laugh when they play "Cherry Pie" when he comes up.

DK: he looks so good makes a grown man cry. and in this case, it's the PA operator at the Dome

SS: the Royals radio guys were just hailing Davies for his command, good thing he's helping prove their point

SJ: So apparently there was a coaches only party in Gardy's office last night after the game...

DK: Beis on bols

TB: They knew better than to think it was over

RK: Must not have lasted too long, with Ullger sending everyone home no matter what

DK: well...at least it's a productive out

TB: That's like our Meteorology prof today..."Yeah, but it's a dry cold."

[there's a general, hard to transcribe sense of "QTF" going on here]

RK: He was out by 10 feet

DK: Dazzle fails at conveying any truthiness of close plays

SJ: That he does...I'm glad your listening in the future like me

DK: Span the fuck lion would have scored twice on that

SJ: Well then

RK: The uh... Bitch Sox are still losing? Right?

DK: Yes


RK: What's going on here tonight? Is this the work of Davies? Or did the boys relax a bit too much after the Sox sweep? Why is my eating the SAME DINNER as every other win this week not helping?

DK: RK - different team, different food required

LK: White Sox still losing 9-4. Six runs scored by Cleveland in the 5th, gotta love that.

SJ: Please tell me I don't have to go out and break my other leg to get a comeback tonight....It was a little much last night

SS: maybe you need to eat a Roayle with cheese, to signify our dominance over them


LK: I just had a BTC (Bacon, Tomato, Cheddar) sandwich. Oh crapcakes. (Sandwich tasty, Twins not so much right now.)

SJ: Alright...who wants to break my other leg for me? If it's like last night, it gaurentees a Twins comeback..

DK: *grabs bat* this'll be the most contact anyone from Minnesota has made with anything with a bat all night 

RK: SJ, I lived in Jersey a while. I know a guy can do it right

SJ: Alright...I got my painkillers and a bottle of whiskey...let's do this

RK: grumblecakes > crabcakes > crapcakes

SJ: dye hit a 2 runner...

DK: Rick Stelmaszek needs to walk up and down the 3rd base seats holding a sign. "WANTED: ANYONE WHO CAN KEEP ROYALS OFF BASES"

SS: I'm feeling the need for a Mijares milagro

DK: I'm feeling the need for 8 runs

RK: But we must touch Davies! Like Foucault's hand of the sovereign

SJ: I feel the need...the need for...ah fuck it, I just want some effort..




LK: I love triples!

SS: that's the triple I was looking for, boyfriend!


RK: There's a groove from 1st to 3rd. The Span groove

LK: Hits to the gap are awesome. And it's funny when the other team gives up on going after the ball.


TB: A muchly useful run, Casilla, but not so about that out thing.

LK: A productive out is better than just an out. But we really need more runs. And Joe definitely needs a hit.

SS: OMG! "The People's Choice" in the Twin Cities, according to Bob Davis

RK: Chairman Mao-er indeed!

SS: Indeed

RK: I would buy his little red book

LK: Crap

SJ: I would buy his... never mind

RK: Wait I see increasing numbers on the CWS ledger

TB: I am resisting the urge to throw things at the TV. My only holdback is the fact that it's my roommate's TV

RK: Save that for a wii remote. Then Nintendo will buy you a new teevee

LK: Justin needs to show some signs of life or at least of knowing how to not get out.

SS: Em Vee Pee, this is a very important time for you to make your case and get a hit

RK: One of those hits that goes 700 feet preferably plz

DK: Gordo, Dazzle, I don't need to hear about Harry Caray's drinking problems...there's a game on

SJ: All of this talk about booze on the radio is making me thirsty...

RK: That is brilliant

DK: SJ, you and me both

LK: What's the pitch count up to? Let's get to their bullpen already.

SJ: I like how they threw Ron Coomer's name in during the convo... I'm shocked Hrbek wasn't a part of it all

LK: We saw someone with a Coomer jersey at the game the other night. Husband said: "it's gotta be another Coomer." 'Cause really, who'd buy a Coomer jersey?

DK: Did we have a secret council meeting in the clubhouse today and say "Everyone try and backwards K tonight"?!?!??

TB: You missed the memo on the meeting? Tisk tisk..

DK: I thought that until I saw a Jeff Reboulet jersey, LK

RK: I saw someone at the Dome once with a homemade Coomer jersey. Trust

TB: Hey! I was there! At the First Avenue place thing! There! On the commercial!

LK: Hanson is playing First Avenue tonight. I kid you not.

DK: TB see if your roommate wants to go see that one too

TB: That's a much better ticket than the reason that I was there, mind you

LK: No, I don't know why I know that. I just do. Mmm-bop-hmm.

RK: Say what you will about Hanson, I thought the middle girl was hot. Imagine my shock.


LK: Let's have a 1-2-3 inning, guys.

SS: LNP, you have a glove for a reason

RK: SS, Bert agrees with you

LK: I love it when Nicky tries to throw an imaginary ball to first.


DK: gordo is pronouncing Humber like normal people pronounce "herb" (the seasoning, not the late radio broadcaster) Apparently the "H" is silent

SS: I have to say, I wish I was at the Dome right now, if only so I could shave that shit off Gordo's face

LK: Lots of Guardado jerseys at the Dome these days.

SS: the Royals announcers were confusing Eddie with Reyes. They are talking about how they should have had their binoculars so they could tell that Eddie is not sweating as much as Reyes would be

LK: I guess people pulled them out of the back of their closets.

RK: I have a Pierzynksi jersey in my closet if it ever comes to that. That's right, I'm not ashamed of it

SJ: Thats ok RK, we can't all be winners

LK: I have a Guzman jersey, I wore it when we played the Nats.

DK: ironically enough, BOOOF is wearing Mr. Owl's number

LK: Formerly Al Newman's number. Well, when he played.

RK: AJ was my boy when he was with the club. The end

DK: suddenly I get why he picked 62 for his epilepsy stint as our 3B Coach

LK: 'Cause AJ had his number.

DK: Deficit re-expanded

LK: Gah!

SS: what the fuck just happened?

DK: a Royal completed the 360 foot sprint, passed go, collected 1 run and $200

SJ: "they have the runner tied up between 1st, 3rd, 2nd and 3rd"...I totally see it Gordo, such great radio commentary today

SS: Billy Butler is a slower runner than Prince Fielder. that should not have happened

LK: Gutierrez is up with bases loaded for Cleveland. 2 outs.

RK: Finally, some good news!

LK: Dear Cleveland, Another grand slam would be lovely. Thanks, The Twins

DK: hahahaha Bitch Sox radio announcers pleading for Brian Anderson to "show them the ball" from Garko's Salami

SJ: haha...that was great...i loved the "unbelievable" at the end

LK: White Sox putting in a new pitcher: Ehren Wassermann. EHREN. Such a name.

SS: DP! Finally!


LK: And folks at the Dome go wild (not just the ones with Eddie jerseys) And Wasserman throws four balls in a row to walk in a run. Awesome. Cleveland 10, Bitch Sox 6.

SJ: No more Davies! There is a God

SS: Kubey, show me your MViceP potential

SJ: I'll take a baser...

SS: yes! we should be able to knock Nunez around the park

RK: Need some runners

SS: 3-0 count on Dlmn, how often does that happen?

RK: Dick: "Depth perception, so critical in this game"

SS: nice work by your boyfriend, SJ

RK: Now for some PUNTO POWER

SS: oy, this is certainly not going as planned

RK: Alright then... go Clevelandia!


SS: are we all losing steam, just like the team?

RK: Well, I'm drunk

SS: Excellent

RK: And on only one caucasian. OK 8 RUN RALLY GUYS CMON FOR REALZ


WV: Wow, well. Fine. Maybe we should blog the Indians-White Sox instead, that's closer.

RK: I forgot to eat sleeping pills with this vodka

LK: Gobble gobble gobble. (It's obligatory, you know)

RK: Well ain't that just the berries

SS: ugh, the Royals radio guys are going on and on about how this will be 7 straight road wins for the team

RK: Let us hope not!

LK: Clevelandia scores another run on a wild pitch to Choo.

RK: I choo-choo-choose Clevelandia to win this game

LK: 11-6 Cleveland over the oh so bitchy sox.

SS: OMG, lets keep that average up by getting another hit

LK: Joe-Ma needs a hit.


LK: Wow, the crowd at the Dome is really thinning out. Or else everyone just suddenly needed a Dome Dog.

RK: Probably that

LK: Man, I'm really gonna miss Dick & Bert during the offseason. Dick's innocent questions. Bert's completely inappropriate answers.

RK: The offseason is a cold, lonely time

TB: Yes, well for those of us with FSN at least Anthony LaPlanta will still do our high school hockey matchups

TB: Wonder if Telly Hughes would be his color commentator

LK: I spied Ron Johnson on the Big Ten Network the other day.

LK: Maybe Korecky should've started the game. Or come in right quick.


SS: I don't want to give up on the team, but I'm glad that the end is near

LK: 'Course if we can't score more than a single run against the freaking Royals, it doesn't matter

LK: WTF Justin? Good grief.

RK: Let's just... get this over with

SS: as it is, we might as well conserve energy for tomorrow

LK: I still have last night's game on my TiVo, may need to watch end of it as palate cleanser.

RK: Gardy will say "hey guys, we still gotta win some games. so go battle your tails off. ruff"

SS: and then he will kick some dirt at their feet

LK: Bert: "It always comes down to pitching." Of course you'd say that Bert

RK: Sweet mercy

SS: pitching...and hitting, and defense, and sometimes coaching

Thursday, September 25, 2008


All Your Bases Are Belong To Us


Hooray old-ass internet memes! Seriously though, the Twins have been leaving a lot of men on the bases, they could claim ownership of them. But they need to remember that they're merely supposed to spend a little time on them, and then go home!

I'm foaming at the mouth, champing (that's right, champing, not chomping - look it up) at the bit, fidgeting at the quick, and making shit up - let's go!


DK: Dude, just saw a guy in a Radke jersey. My day is complete

TB: I see Slowey does not believe in the superstition...blue uniforms tonight.

DK: Slowey using Gilette Fusion to shave the corner tonight. That and giving to his outfielders equally


TB: Cabrera doesn't quite have the Span for that. Bahahaha

DK: New drinking game. Take a drink every time Bert (or Dick) says the word "utilize"

DK: Mauer's due

TB: Not until the 7th inning, at least

DK: Having pitched to Mauer, it should be no surprise to me that he takes a strike and then hits one a million feet...

RK: Bert is prescient, noting Griffey is not playing Mauer well enough in Center. As much as we enjoy his off the cuff remarks, it's good to remember occasionally this dude knows baseball

TB: Quite true.

DK: Translation: Griffey is geriatric

RK: Hahaha, Bert on Griffey: "As good a center fielder as he was..."


TB: In the spirit of smart pitchers - Apparently Slowey did a 1420 on his SATs and went to Winthrop. That and he can hit the strike zone like nobody's business

RK: Psh, Big dea. Craig Breslow went to YALE. In case you didn't know. Because he did. Go to Yale.

TB: I think that was mentioned yesterday, in fact

RK: Well I'll be

TB: I wonder if they get together on Saturdays and have tea and talk about the last Stephen Hawking novel

RK: Or that collider thing in Europe that's going to envelope the Earth in a black hole and end reality

TB: Oh yeah, that

DK: QTF, ump

RK: Dick: Scott Baker did a great job two nights ago, Nick Blackburn... held his own

DK: Dick's having a Slowgasm

RK: How tantric


TB: News flash - Fox finds replacement for Yankee game

RK: Wow, I bet that's never happened before.

TB: Although apparently Bert is joining them for the game. Twins and Royals. Good deal for the Royals. In other news, Buscher strikes out swinging

DK: Time for a CarGo bunt double

RK: Jim H, none of us are watching the Hawk, but he's either still bitching about Gomez at second or telling J-Dye, his "buddy" that he needs a double

DK: How come Punto never steals anymore?

RK: Good question. I suppose with 2 outs, he's waiting to see where the AB goes? Maybe?

TB: I mean, he's so used to sliding headfirst anyway

RK: But only into first

TB: F7

RK: oooook. Laurel, I'll check it out! If you want to join the liveblog here, we'd be happy to have you


TB: Yay Slowey

RK: Slowey gin fizz, I'm falling in love

TB: I'm Kevin Slowey, and I approve this strikeout

TB: Why, Mr. Owl!

RK: Owls are assholes

DK: Can't Morneau just cross-check AJ?


SS: OMG it's nice to see the Twins with a lead... and with OMG up to bat

RK: Boy, at least this ump is not calling the inside half of the plate consistently. I keep hearing about how Mauer just jacks homer after homer in BP. I'd like to see one right about now. But I'll take that.

SS: or, barring that, I'd settle for a single

TB: 'twould be nice, it would also make the Dome explode from the squeals of women

RK: But let's be honest, the squealing happens when he takes off his catcher's mask

SS: did Ron Coomer and John Kruk get separated at birth?

RK: Yeah, now Mauer's in your head, Gavin! Morneau leads the AL in RBI and RNBI. Not to harp on it


RK: Kevin Slowey, I'm gonna buy you a pizza

RK: Never mind

SS: shit. Is Slowey operating on some sort of reverse psychology program or something?
just too shy to accept praise for his pitching ability? Because I can be mean to him if that's what will work

RK: That kind of attitude goes over really well in the upper midwest. Totes the next coming of Radke. Sweet Evil Jesus

SS: damnit, GoGo, get away from my boyfriend

RK: Slowey will buckle down here. He will. I must believe this

WV: I think Coomer's right about the noise but let's be clear: There were never 45,000 fans at any of the games he played in at the Dome.

RK: Pat Mears wasn't that big of a draw, it's true

WV: Maybe on Scott Stahoviak bobblehead night.

RK: Damn blast hell spite bile and acrimony

SS: can we get one of the ear bud things for Slowey like newscasters wear, so that he can have Bert giving him advice from the booth? that wouldn't be cheating, would it?

TB: They should work out hand signals

DK: argh...anger salad. I step away to take a phone call and all hell and damnation breaks loose

RK: There is a chasm opening in front of me

SS: this is where I start to get worried about what I'm doing wrong to bring about this chain of event

DK: I was talking to my former boss, which I think brought on bad karma

RK: I still believe in the karmic power of the baseball gods, who will punish Ozzie for whining about Blackburn not pitching well last night

DK: I don't know whether to be chuckling that it hit him, or mad at Slowey for loading the bases

SS: hmm, if it was anyone other than AJ, I'd say the latter

TB: Criminy, this inning is still going?


SS: oh shit, the future does not look good

WV: He's either hurt or bawling about literally throwing away the post-season.

TB: No bueno, no bueno

SS: ok, how can we fix this, folks? I still have faith in them, but obviously I have pissed of the baseball gods in some way

RK: I... I'm rarely speechless. Yet. I... oh dear.

TB: Well this really conflicts with my interest in Care Bears

SS: as long as you still believe in Scooby Doo, as Shaggy is now pitching for us

TB: Zoinks!

RK: I can't get over that because of Gomer and Span running into each other, the Bitch Sox score 5 runs and Slowey leaves hurt. That, my friends, is the butterfly effect


WV: Most of this year they've made us forget that they're a young team, unfortunately a bout of immaturity precipitated this melt down.

SS: wow, a stupid question from soneone in St. Cloud? I don't believe it

DK: for those of us who are minus FSN, what was it?

DK: "Right Wrist Contusion" for Slow Ride, sez the medical expertz

SS: "what are the different scenarios for the Twins concerning the post season"

RK: Yeah, I can answer that: win or you're done

WV: Haha, that's a ridiculous question.

WV: *I guess* there's plenty of time to mount a comeback. Heat of the moment, I became quite the cynic.

DK: I hope. signs you're hopeless: "Punto has been the Twin's everyday shortstop for basically the last month"

SS: haha "sweet nothings." how risque, Bert


RK: I hope Gomer swings out of his shoes

DK: Gomez went XXXtra bases

RK: Talk about risque!

WV: The real crime of the evening is that all of Slow Ride's runs are earned since they didn't give Span an error. Floyd thinks to himself, "I can't wait to be the next Joe Blanton"

DK: well we have this going for us: Twins are 1-0 when their starter leaves due to bodily harm from a line drive this season

RK: Oooh, a little anxious there, huh D'Nard?

SS: come on, boyfriend Span! keep this inning rolling


RK: Oh I'm feeling this. Did I just inadvertently reference a Sum 41 song?

TB: And the legend lives on.

DK: i think it was Blink-182...


RK: DK, same thing, right?

DK: Pretty much

WV: Speaking of Blink, Span sprinted to 2nd like his pants were on fire.

WV: Too soon?

DK: Little bit

SS: even though it was only a double, that was worthy of the Homer Hanky

RK: No such thing as too soon, my friend

DK: OK inching back


WV: Our much maligned bullpen will have to come through again.

RK: How many pitches has Gavin Rossdale thrown? Just curious

RK: Well balls.

[nobody is saying anything because we're all in such rapt anticiptation. Or getting various kinds of antacids]

DK: Strikes, Shaggy. Strikes.

RK: Hahaha, Gardy's stomping around the dugout. I feel you, buddy

WV: Gavin: 75 pitches. I just read something about Cliff Lee skipping his start against the Bitch Sox. What gives?

DK: Sandcastle crumbling on us here...

RK: At... least he... got... one?

DK: That was a tailor-made double play until it hit the bargain rack at Kohl's...

RK: This game is giving me a headache

SS: let's hope Moons Over My-Hammie can get it done for us

DK: Y'know, we have Perkins, we have Dennys, can we name GoGo IHOP considering that's what he does every time he throws one into the infield ?

RK: That's a really good point


WV: With Moons over Mijares emerging, I wonder if they'll let Reyes walk this offseason.

RK: Don't fret, Griffey, you still have your Social Security check coming this month


WV: If the score were 3-0 right now, I wouldn't feel desperation, so that's how I'm going to think about it.

RK: Yeah, just push it out of your mind that, at worst, the score should be 3-2

RK: I'm gonna give Telly 100 lottery tickets if he can say a single sentence without botching it

RK: OK Justin, act the MVP

WV: That...was the pitch.

RK: I need to go get a mouthguard so I don't break my teeth grinding them


SS: it's ok, Em Vee Pee. We could certainly use your help, but we can do it without you, too

DK: OK, so two on base

DK: Dare I say I smell a Three-Run-Jack from Thr Rn Jck?

RK: If it's going to happen, it'll happen on the first pitch

SS: can Mournie and Kubey run as a ticket for MVP?

RK: Yeah, they're very yin and yang, aren't they?

DK: Dlmn swngs t th frst ptch

SS: Kubey can be MViceP. I guarantee he'd be able to beat Sarah Palin in a debate

TB: I thought runner-up was reserved for all of the schmucks that vote for A-Rod every year

RK: If this is what Dlmn's going to look like under pressure...

DK: Dmn t Dlmn

RK: Don't worry, there are RISP, BBuscher will get a double

WV: How iconic of Dlmon's season.

RK: He's just too damn excitable

DK: Aargh, warning track power from Buscher


DK: Boof, repeat after me...shutout ball

TB: Call strikes, you idiot!

DK: whew

WV: It's Boof's audition to sign a minor league contract somewhere, maybe even with us.

DK: pitcher gets hit, infielder throws wild...same sequence, different outcome

WV: If only Slowey were padded with Flubber.......

RK: The old 1-5-3 putout

SS: this is obviously a sign we need to fatten up the rest of the pitchers that haven't done so themselves

RK: Yeah, take note Tim Lincecum, it's only a matter of time until someone hits you and explodes you to pieces

DK: Tim Lincecum is the man. proof that a midget can throw 98

RK: Too bad we couldn't have traded a backup catcher for him

DK: somewhere, Brian Sabean is sitting cackling "Fool me once, shame on you..."

RK: "Fool me twice and oh yeah I'm Brian Sabean"

WV: And J.P. Riccardi is saying, "Why didn't I trade Alex Rios for Lincecum last season! And, God I hate Adam Dunn."

RK: Dick needs to tighten up his terminology. I assume a "popped up" means it's catchable. If he said "fouled back" I wouldn't feel disappointed when it goes out of play

DK: And Bill Smith is saying "Damn trade deadline why must you sneak up on me so fast!"


WV: Any thoughts on Uribe's facial hair?

DK: Boof: Here's what I think of your blonde soul patch, bitch!

SS: I was just thinking about what vile thing I could compare it to, WV


SS: I still think it looks like they tried to dye their hair with Country Time, like how my friends and I attempted to dye our hair with Kool-Aid when we were younger

WV: Haha, that's classic. Now, if we called Uribe Country Time from here on out, you'd see first hand how our nonsensical nicknames for people are created.

DK: W00t, Triple times 2 for Gomez

SS: Hippety Hop, iHop!

TB: But he can't do it alone

RK: The Stone Cold Killer will come through

WV: I hope these are signs of progress, if he could pick it up next year, the top of our lineup would be ridiculous.

SS: my boyfriend needs a homer to help IHOP finish his cycle

RK: This has to be Floyd's last inning too. I'd love for the boys to get into the Bitch Sox pen

DK: ok, within 2, productive out by D'Nard. Mauer Pauer would be OMG here


RK: Hell yes, like a Beck song, Casilla's beat is correct

TB: Bwahahaha, we knocked Gavin out

RK: laurel, that's why I offered, it's a bet I can't lose! Telly saying a sentence intact is about as likely as a Tyner home run!

SS: I'm turnin' it on, I'm workin' my legs

RK: I hope OMG's beat is correct

WV: This is RAGNAROK running its course

DK: 3-3 for OMG. 4-4 with a HR would be awesome sauce

DK: Or a 4-6-3. With 2 outs



RK: There's an umpire camp going on in Compton? WV and I once wandered into Compton, and unless shit's really changed in the last 8 years, I would not recommend this

SS: alright, Crainadian, lock this down like you don't want your bike stolen

DK: is he wearing the Kryptonite lock?

WV: Compton didn't seem to be too high on figures of authority, so umpiring would seem to be a bad line of work.

TB: Maybe that's where this guy went to learn

RK: WV and I have jointly experienced some of the seediest cities in our fair country. Compton, Detroit, Newark. Coincidence? Well yes, actually

TB: Gary, Indiana?

WV: Oh yeah, and Moorhead. That's right, I went there

RK: It's a beautiful day for a double play

RK: Hey, it's Craig Breslow! He went to Yale, I think. Can someone confirm this?

TB: I concur

SS: I may have heard, once, that was the case

TB: To wikipedia I go

DK: yaargh...they're letting Crainadian pitch to Thome?

RK: I like that better than Guadardo, not gonna lie

WV: That complaint about pitching to Thome was prescient.

RK: Now just get Konerko, or as Hawk would call him, Paulie. Because they play basketball on the weekend and stuff

TB: Breslow was captain of the Yale University baseball team. Wikipedia says it, it's true.

RK: Was he a Bonesman?

WV: Stealing 3rd? That's what we do!

TB: Does not say, RK

SS: Course not. It's a secret

WV: I think Ozzie's rant on Blackburn could be equally applied to Floyd tonight, but..that probably won't happen.

SS: maybe Crain's necklace is some oversized version of something a kid would make at summercamp as an arts and crafts project

WV: I think that's spot on.

DK: *mentally strangles Mike Reilly*

WV: Or some hippy dippy crap a junkie would sell on Haight St. in front of my apartment.

TB: C'mon Crain

WV: "Why, yes, I do also sell incense."

RK: Beauty, eh?


WV: Woohoo! WaMu just failed. Thank goodness for baseball.

SS: Woo Cuddy! sad, I didn't even have time to say how I wanted him to get a hit

WV: I thought to myself, "not likely that Cuddy will beat this one out..."

RK: THE SYSTEM IS DOWN Dlmn did not swing at first pitch! THE SYSTEM IS DOWN

TB: Ohhh...the system. Wiight.

WV: If tradition holds, he'll hit a meaningless 2-out single to maintain his average.

TB: No, that looked about right


WV: It's funny, albeit stereotypical, that many of the wannabe umps have pot bellies.

RK: There's no baseball equivalent to Dick Bavetta. Or Ed Hochuli. Well, except some umps do make shitty calls

TB: Hard to argue with that guy and his guns, though

SS: Mournie's pretty good at reading off cue cards. I think he has a future in CTV after his career is over

RK: The Bratz doll is up... and out

TB: Damn right he went

RK: I feel like... Gardy's going to do something... unconventional in the next inning. Like lift Punto for Neverhit or something kinda ridics

DK: AJ lacks Breslow's Ivy League charisma

TB: AJ lacks preschool charisma, DK. And what the heck is that banging noise.

DK: WHIFFFFFFF. That's right, AJ. Sit down, bitch

TB: Now then


TB: So apparently the local business commercials in Grand Forks are as bad as they were in Rochester. Terrible acting, terrible editing, terrible writing. And there's another o-- nope, that's Telly

DK: Grand Forks is just Rochester with fewer people and more airplanes... Harris, Punto, GoGo...I bet that strikes fear into Matt Thornton


DK: Way to spite me, Harris

TB: Harris wins back my official status of favorite player

WV: Projectiles shot at your head? Now that they teach in Compton.

TB: Fuck, well that's a sacrifice anyway

DK: Jenks coming on

SS: triple triple!

RK: The boys need to hit this guy hard. This move by Ozzie reeks of desperation, and surely the boys can smell that



DK: well, clearly Jenks has no control tonight

SS: let's play a game of who can hit the ball furthest

RK: The urge to give in to short-range RAGNAROK is strong, but soft! I must resist

DK: RAGNAROK!!!! Triples Galore!

TB: Squeeze play DO IT


SS: I love when the future has good news! and I love my boyfriend!

TB: Naaa, no good on the squeeze. Just hit the ball far

SS: Damn Lexi

TB: Argh

DK: Clutch situation for OMG

TB: Clutch situation for Jenks

DK: aaand Guillen out to discuss strategery

TB: Mauer O Morneau?

DK: Walk 'em both to get to Cuddy

TB: See ball. Hit ball.

RK: How can OMG keep his cool like this?

DK: Mauer...these groundout antics to the right side annoy me

RK: Oh, if only the squeeze play would have worked


DK: speaking of crap facial hair, a Nick Swisher sighting

TB: Lots of twitching to be had

DK: OMG don't do this to me...

WV: Now Span--he sports Fucklion facial hair

TB: and Fucklion clutchiness

DK: TB, what's the official algorithm for Nathan and baserunners in a non-save sit?

TB: 1-2-3 and away. Though it's mostly unproven

RK: Dick, shut your mouth about Swishers home runs vs. the MNTwins this year

TB: come ON

DK: apparently talk radio 1310 KNOX in Grand Forks is employee owned and operated

RK: Workers of Grand Forks Unite!

DK: y'know, Gordo's emphatic "SWIIIING and miss!" will never get old. beats the crap out of "He gone!" anyday...

WV: His manner of turning "swing" into a diphthong should be trademarked.

DK: speaking of strikeouts 

TB: Sit your ass down

RK: Hahaha, Alfonso Marquez threw his hands up because the bitch wouldn't go sit down

DK: dos outs


SS: that was brilliant. Even Marquez knows Swishie is an asshole

DK: that's his name, SS...Asshole. Major Asshole.

TB: Whiff. Picked a helluva a game to say "I have an exam tomorrow", DK

DK: don't remind me...I'm attempting to study as we speak. Goddamn academia in the midst of RAGNAROK

RK: Glad WV and I dragged you all into it too

DK: Cargo has to the the MVP of this game. IHOP iDive


RK: Morneau, c'mere a sec. I know we've been ragging on you here. But you've been coming up small. If you hit one out the park, it's all forgotten, and even Peter King will vote for you on that MVP ballot. Now get out there.

DK: and frankly, hitting the walk-off to reclaim first place would be dead sexy... le sigh

RK: Cuddy can still do it

DK: Cuddy has to get a hit sometime...right?

TB: *Ahem*

DK: QTF is up with this strike zone, Mike Reilly?

TB: At the ankles is not a strike, ump

RK: Well shit

SS: thanks for nothing, Cuddles

DK: El bonus beisbol

RK: Ugh


RK: I feel like we're pressing our bullpen luck here. Especially with the CWS big guys coming up. Here's to hoping

DK: sit down J-Dye. Quit your bitching

RK: The umping has been consistently bad, pal

RK: Range for days: Nick Punto

SS: Pinko is like "look at the lengths I will go to to help this team win"

RK: Thank you for swinging Paulie

TB: Harris, Punto, Gomez

RK: angryscott, WV and I are from Fargo, so we take jabs at GF, sure. And laurel... word.

SS: all that waving of the arms by IHOP and he still almost gets run into by Span.


SS: seriously, knock Jenks all around the park and tell him to sit down

RK: Pitching from the stretch would do wonders for our chances here


DK: with Gomez on deck

SS: a magical night at the Dome should at least involve Cuddy and a deck of cards, Dick

RK: OK, just need a single from D'Nard

SS: alright, boyfriend, make my night!

DK: w00t - bounce another one and let's go home!


RK: bounce another one and let's go home!


SS: Hooray!


SS: Thank you, Lexi!




SS: I love when major leaguers act like little leaguers!

RK: Can anybody understand Cargo right now?

SS: translation: YAY!

RK: God damn I feel good. I should be ashamed how much my mental well-being is tied to the fate of this team

TB: myself as well

DK: Yeah, no kidding

SS: luckily you have us likeminded folk to keep you company.

DK: thankfully it's not to emo levels, else I would have been cutting myself during the assbullpen month of August

RK: And now, I can speak for everybody, Go Tribe!

TB: Sandcastle, I'm sorry I doubted you.

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