Wednesday, May 27, 2009


A Worrisome Prospect


I was just wondering something: do you suppose there are people out there who are fans of the Boston Red Stockings because they saw the awful Jimmy Fallon vehicle "Fever Pitch?" I hope these people don't exist. They would make me shudder.

Hat tip to k-bro for noting that who I thought was Matt Tolbert was indeed Brian Buscher. The less vision-impaired among us will note both the number "32" and the last name "Buscher." Remember how in your high school Psych class you had to try to see the details in the room for an eyewitness report but nobody remembers anything clearly so while you were proud of yourself for counting the bar stools they really wanted to know if you noticed the gallon of blood on the ground? Yeah, this is nothing like that.

But here is a fun optical illusion about how curveballs mess with your mind. But not Bobby Kielty's mind ca. 2003 when he took Barry Zito out of the yard but quick. Remember that?

Here. Click the link to launch the swf.

Oh yes, topical! Kevin Slowey is pitching, so uh, good.


Justin, you need a public speaking coach. I'll do it! I would like to be paid in cases of pounders of Premium Grain Belt beer.

FSN Techno Remix!

So - yes! I have a facebook question. A person who I barely know and haven't talked to in (literally) 10 years has friended me. I declined because I do like my facebook friends to be, y'know, people I know or people who are intensely attracted to me. But then! She friended me again. Is this persistence normal? Should I just accept it? Social networking is HARD

Meanwhile Slowey is throwing pitches all the livelong day. Yet nobody is on base. So net result is a good thing? Yes.


Hm, I understand the strategy here - Dice K will throw a lot of pitches because he's a control freak (without the commanding control) so they'll take a lot. Yet here he is throwing many strikes. Swing!

Hey it's like Street Fighter II, Hyper Fighting Championship Edition TURBO: HERE COMES A NEW BLOGGER

KK: Okie, so. Here is the deal. Nick Punto cannot be good at both things at once. Last night he had an error but got two doubles. He got an error tonights game, does this mean he will homer?

RK: Probably not, but I like the logic

KK: Me too, I wish most of my logistics would become real.

[and then a bunch of stuff happened and the two K's said stuff that wasn't particularly noteworthy. We'll try harder!]


KK: Wow Ortiz just swung and missed three times. Excuse me while I lick my TV screen.

RK: Who watches "Unwrapped?" That show is awful. Food Network should just become the Good Eats and Barefoot Contessa channel.


RK: I'll never bag on a guy for getting hits, but didn't the Twins bring Dlmn over to hit dingers?

KK: Why yes we did. But I think it doesn't matter since we have Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, AND Crede for power.

RK: I'm starting to get the nagging suspicion that the Twins front office is starting to regret that trade

KK: Nick Punto doesn't play thriller for his walk on song anymore, and it depresses me. And I bet they are kind of pissed. I mean he hit em out like crazy whilst in Tampa.

RK: What is his new song? I missed it

KK: His old song from last year


KK: When I hear "shes my cherry pie" it reminds me of harris. Then I feel awkward.

RK: That song reminds me of seeing that video very early in my life and not understanding the feelings I was feeling

RK: Sneak peek at Ice Road Truckers? OLD NEWS

KK: Here is the sneak peek: the road is ice, it cracks, they make sure you know its scary as shit because they have about 10,000 mics underneath the semis so you can hear all the clunks, creaks and cracks. Most of the men who do such ice road-ings are insane. Fin.

RK: I watched Season 1 with my pops a couple years ago and that's what I came away with

KK: Bases loaded? Really? With Youkilis coming up to bat? I swear these pitchers strictly do these things in awares that they will give me upset stomachs and tension headaches and stress boners at a drop of a hat being a complete suck.

RK: 1 run wouldn't be a terrible outcome here. And so it has come to pass!


KK: Denard Span has a thyroid problem poor baby 

RK: Maybe it will turn him into a giant. Or is that pituitary?

KK: Joe Mauer does what you know he'd do

RK: Yeah, there was never a doubt, it was only a question of how

KK: I can also has a Morneau double

RK: These two young men are out their minds

KK: Yeah they are, they must have some crazy sexual tension...I mean good chemistry.

RK: Same thing

RK: Now this is the Daisuke I thought we'd see tonight

RK: Hahaha, here is a picture of Tolbert spitting

KK: Oh, I am enjoying this inning, so much I am type-less

RK: I like this reliable offense we've been having lately




RK: Man, I could use a 2-out rally here. Straight 2006 style. Punto probably wants it more than I

KK: hahahaha, yeah I bet he is bouncing around shoveling swedish fish in his mouth


The fuck lion doesn't get married, lady.

I like how Slowey Gin Fizz is not allowing many runs, but I would also like to see an inning wherein he doesn't allow a runner to get into scoring position. Also, in the mid-70s pitch count? Tsk tsk!

Which, by the way is a sound where you click your tongue behind clenched, not to be said as "tisk tisk." The sound was developed for comic strips, after all.


What is Dice-K's pitch count? 345?

2 out rally. Please. Pleasepleaseplease

I'm never satisfied. Maybe I'm just like my mother. Maybe I'm just too demanding, excuse me while I bust out my awesome Prince-inspired dance moves



Jason Bay's been kinda hot lately, and it's OK if it's a solo shot, I suppose. If Slowey stops the bleeding here it'll be not that bad - like the first inning

We who have seen David Ortiz this season completely understand this performance in the Metrodome, amirite?

Insurance runs would make me stop pacing around my apartment like a crazy person.


"And we all need more friends." Dick, you hippie!

This is apparently shaping up to be the Dick inning

"So a Boston native son facing a Minnesota native son!" Well yeah Dick, I mean everyone's from somewhere, right?

Intentional walk to get to Cuddyer? DISRESPEK

I'm not feeling good about this. And no it's nothing I ate because I had dinner 5 hours ago because I'm old.

That's how you get an RBI Cuddy - with your ribs


Point of order? Does Cuddy actually get credit for an RBI just there?

Haha point of order. If any of you dorks did Student Congress like I did, it's like a day at the dorkatorium.

Mijares is hungry and wants to get this game over with. I know I shouldn't poke fun at the heavier members of the roster, but the truth is I'm secretly jealous. I don't eat much myself, and I wish I could eat more. Then again, I'll do my best if I can get a ticket to an all you can eat seat game. Mmm. Dome dogs. What now?

I suppose Mijares will be out there again in the top of the 8th



Zaaaahm-bay-ee, zaaaahm-bay-uh-ay-uh-ay-uh

Damn you ground rules! Cargo was on his way home, sweet home! Why must you be like Circe the witch stopping Odysseus from his destination?

Wow, Gomez hit Kottaris pretty hard there. I like it. Shades of Sinn Fein!

And Span's eye is downright Mientkiewiczian! I am brimming with nostalgia. And sex appeal. Mainly nostalgia


Let it ride with Mijares! That would be a catchy slogan for some sort of motorcycle shop or eatery. Or both?

Dr. Jubal, I've been thinking about the old boys lately. Could be that Eric Milton just got a win with the Dodgers, could be that I just wish I was younger. Who knows.

Matt Gruyere, doin' work! Being delicious, aged in a cave.


Dr. Jubal, don't you dare. All of my Twins jerseys are from former players, and I intend to keep it that way. I have Guzman, Pierzynski, Santana, and oh some others who knows. They're all the way in my closet and I just don't have the gumption.


Joe Nathan looks really good tonight. That is very heartening to see.


The Twins, although there was some offensivefutility when it came to RISP, the pitching came through. Hey - Mauer can't hit a home run every game (yes he can).

Dr. Jubal makes a good point that the caps the twins wear are darker than their uniforms. Someone call Paul Lukas!

The Twins can even up the season series tomorrow and did you know Bert doesn't like all these interleague games? Even though these games are about the only reason the Twins have any hope of playoff contention?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


It's Not Pornography, It's Art


Do you want to see some pictures? Your intrepid blogger took, as Kevin Costner would say in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, But Not British Accents, a roade trippe. Up to Baltimore to Camden Yards, for a Twins game that the Orioles were kind enough to host.

1) The field is beautiful blah blah blah

2) So before the game I took pictures of Twins stretching. Enjoy

I blame the photographer here. That is a horrible shot of a horrible angle. But there I am! You can't really tell, but that's the old "TC" on my hat. In Hokie colors. Synergy! (I go to Virginia Tech, for the uninitiated)

We'll start off nice and easy. That there is naked batting practice, holding it down.

Here's Denard Span, just cold posin' for the camera, even though he's acting like he isn't. TRUE FACT: Denard Span is a diva.

Nice Socks, Mr. Crede. Yes, socks.

Here is (I believe?) Matt Tolbert, trying to find his next ex-wife.


Oh hi, I didn't notice you there

The trainer can only conceal so much

Remember, impure thoughts are sinful

Just a warm up for the -

Ladies, you're welcome

Now let's see if the boys can beat the Red Sox for once.


Pretty sure the announcer person pregame just said Mauer Pauer. It's OK, we here at PAB don't believe in intellectual property rights.

I fully approve of Dick's sideburns. He looks old in HD.

Admittedly, I should have had the forethought to think eating popcorn and blogging wouldn't work together. But! Hands are washed, and here I am


I will now forever associated T.I.'s "What You Know?" with Joe Mauer. Who, by the way, can apparently hit a home run at will.

Haha, creepy guy with a cameraphone.

I have a hard time when JoeMa makes an out. Like, "What does it all mean?" kind of hard time.

Good hustle, Dr. Neau. I approve of your decision.


Blackburn isn't looking that great tonight. This has me ill at ease.

And my player is crapping out. This could be an omen.

But no! I shall persevere! But seriously, I saw Star Trek last night. Does anybody else think that it rocked VERY HARD?


Joe Mauer's hind leg is like the pitching rubber? I'll go with it Bert, because you played man, and I was probably the only grade school center fielder to bat ninth.

Uggggh losing my will to continue this.


What the crap, Firefox? Crashed 3 times in a row!

And now the feed won't pick up and I am just having a hell of a time right now I tells ya.

I came back just in time to see OMG make a second consecutive out? I think this is some harbinger of doom - let me check my Mayan calendar. Heh. MyMy An Calendar.


I am not feeling this right now. Je regrette. Could it be Nikolai walking David Ortiz? Maybe. Could it be him throwing 30 pitches per inning? Possibly? Could it be a headache and just really dry eye? Mainly.

But then he goes and does that and it's like how can I not at least watch? Sorry it's not very funny tonight though.


God dammit that's the last time I'm letting Firefox crash on me. Good day for now.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Zak and Sara


Zak and Sara will be Jake Peavy's nickname when he comes to the White Sox. Behold!

"Sara spelled without an "h" was getting bored
On a Peavy amp in 1984
While Zak without a "c" tried out some new guitars
Playing Sara with no "h"'s favorite songs"
-Ben Folds, Zak and Sara

Let's see what kind of destruction the boys can wreak on my fragile psyche today!

Hey, did you know that if you comment on Pulling a Blyleven I will talk to you DIRECTLY? So, suicidal entrepreneur, yes, I spelled Existential the same way Joe Morgan spells "consistent" (eg one letter down), what on earth is "Dog day?" What makes them rule so? How can I, as one individual, submit to their rule?

And if you want to like actually maybe liveblog with me, you know the drill if you're in the know. Maybe. See, being told what happens in THE FUTURE can really mess with me and then it's like why am I watching this? On the other hand, the way the boys have been playing, I could ask that regardless of any temporal contingencies.


Just something to chew on during the game. I'm teaching an Introduction to Political Theory course in the fall. Have you taken this class? If you have, what kind of books did you wish were on the syllabus but weren't? If you have not, LEAVE ME ALONE. Just kidding. My theory classes are awesome.

"Bartolo Colon - oh my God, they shot him." Bert, seriously. I am laughing out loud.

Seeing Super Colon Blow brings back memories. Specifically in late 2003 when the radar gun in Comiskey was all janked up and had him throwing 103 mph in the 7th inning.

Did the stadium start playing "Classical Gas" after Span K'd?

I have nothing remotely funny or snarky to say about Mauer - the man is brilliant in every way. Probably is also very good at physics.

Jesus Christ, the are playing that song. But like a Western Pancho Villa kinda version.

I remember a couple years ago there used to be some people who would be all up on this blog, just cold Kubel hatin'. And WV and I were like "Slow your roll, bro-heys, he's a good hitter. Believe." And now look at him. I'm like a proud father.

Wow, is the Nicene Crede rocking Oakleys from 1988 VERY MUCH?


Uh oh, Tolbert's gonna beat himself up over that one. Literally. In the shower. Instead of water, he uses hydrochloric acid, by the way.

Dread Pirate Blackburn that was an amazing move!

"That'll leave a bark mark right there!" I'll just add that to the Bert Blyleven lexicon.

Calling J-Dye out there was a kiss and makeup call for not punching out Alexei. It all evens out.

And now the organ is playing a version of the song in all the Geico commercials? What is happening in this ballpark?

Kubel and Span please stop doing that. It's bizarro-world in here.


So. Morales will be the White Sox starting catcher in 2 years time, yes?

Hooray, the Bitch Sox can't throw the ball either!

Scored two runs, but let's score 18 more so I can relax a little bit OK?

I swallowed my heart pretty hard when it looked like Span was going to knock both runners in with a double down the line, but cruel fate! I'll share a bon mot from my adviser: "Fate is for people so poor they have to live in the swamp with a flyswatter."

They're walking Dr. Neau to get to Kubel WTFBBQ?

Smoooooooth managing, Ozzie. Honest to god.

Is Cuddy your buddy? He ought to be. BOOM

The Nicene Crede is making me feel a little tingly. That's as far into it as I'll go. Use your imagination. Or don't, I mean, I understand.

Haw haw, oh Dick, you always get my hopes up when there's a fly ball and I was all B2B2B jacks with Leviathan? Alas, it died 10 feet short. Things don't feel so ominous now, do they?!


The 2003 flashback continues the way they keep talking about Rick Reed. I know, I know, not the same Rick Reed, but blah blah blah.


Who puts two spaces after a period anymore? I don't want to get into a discussion about em spaces, but unless you're on a typewriter from the 30s, it's not necessary. And I'd take off points for that on an essay. Much like having 1.5" margins, using Courier New font - how would I ever suspect that the person may just be trying to artificially elongate their paper?

I'm so terrible - instead of listening to Dick and Bert I'm trying to figure out which strange song the organist at US Cellular will play.

Mauer didn't even swing and that thing was a double. He just put the bat over the plate and that's what happened.

Walking Morneau again - you've made the Rubik's Kubel very angry.

Apparently not angry enough.


I liked to see the double play, but I'm also liking watching child prodigies play piano so hard. Is anybody else mad at their parents for not making them learn to play the piano, or French? Mine said, but you didn't want to. Yeah, but I also used to think girls were gross, so let's not give too much autonomy away here, huh?

Oh wow, nobody scored? It's like the White Sox have become the Twins, the Twins the White Sox.


DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE? To feel good during a baseball game?




If you were to say, "RK, you have too many expectations for Mauer. He will, on occasion, make an out." I'd be like yeah, but I can't help myself.

And you can't either.


I realize I'm running out of steam here, but what can I say?


Could it be that the Twins not scoring in the 5th was some kind of aberration?

I have to give it to the hecklers I'm hearing. Your team is down 10-0 and still razzing the third string catcher? Alright, son!

I will miss you, Lance Broadway, if only for that awesometime name.

Punto's hustle literally produced an RBI there. Like, literally literally

TB: Yes, somebody should let him know that we are proud of him not sliding headfirst.

RK: Ooooh Span's a little salty after that plunk

TB: Just cold took one for the team, eh

RK: Hey, Gobble! I need to pay better attention

TB: BAHAHAHAHA. That one was a real turkey, Gobble.

RK: Are you speaking from the FUTURE?

TB: I may be

RK: Hot diggety damn!


TB: I remember these games back in the day in my youth. Then again I also remember when we did this in 2007

RK: Sure, one game a season doesn't make. But this is how you bust a losing streak

TB: Makes the pain of losing Breslow go away a little bit.

RK: I'd say I'll miss Yale. But I probably won't


TB: At this point I think Cuddy should handwalk the rest of the way should Leviathan get a hit

RK: If only KK were here so we could make fun of her for bagging on him

RK: Oh interleague play is happening this year up in Wrigley Field, huh? Thanks for the hot tip, Dick

TB: Is it safe to call the streak over?

RK: Yeah, I think a little confidence is in order

TB: Hey Twins fans at the game! You guys wanna play?

RK: I wouldn't mind seeing Tolbert pitch an inning

TB: One almost forgets that Blackburn is pitching like a rockstar

RK: I know, I think he's under 80 pitches


TB: Okay how about 10 more runs

RK: Didn't the Rangers blank the Orioles something to the tune of 30-0 a year ago or so?

TB: Could be. The internets told me it was 30-3

RK: The internet is the keeper of the Flame of Truth, so I'll go with it

TB: I sense not enough tension in this game for the Twins side of things.

RK: It's kind of amusing though


TB: Hwhat? Where did Dread Pirate go?

RK: Yeah, that's somewhat surprising

TB: You're welcome for our support, Cuddy

RK: Whoopsie

DK: I kind of want us to shut them out

RK: I'd like them to as well. And also score 3 more times for the all-time MLB shutout record

TB: A shutout would be just gravy.

TB: Well fiddlesticks

TOP 9, TWINS UP 20-1

I just want to point out the organist has now played "Inagaddadavida (or whatever the hell)" and "Sail Away with Me" by Styx


I think we have a general consensus to let the score speak for itself and to just bask for now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


The Gaping, Existetial Maw

So I was thinking about Camus today. You know, like I do. (I do) And I have come to the conclusion (not really, I've always thought this way about pretty much everything ever) that baseball is a Camusian exercise. That exercise being: how to live a meaningful life in a meaningless universe.

Right now, the baseball world is meaningless, formless, AND contentless (WV would have gotten a kick out of that. GD Stanford and their quarter system). Starters go 4 innings and give up 6 runs, the bullpen melts down like gallium in the palm (it is strange to behold), and the team LOBw/RISP2Out (patent pending) is about .028, and would be lower except Matt Tolbert is fearless and uses his face instead of the bat to swing.

But the project is the same. How do we make meaning out of this? Gardy just said, "Sometimes the game takes things away from you." Yes Gardy. Yes it does. So why shouldn't I, personally they mope? Why should they "get after it?" "Battle their tails off?" "Eat a balanced breakfast?"

Because, for those of you who have been following this blog intently and took to heart our Kantian theorization of baseball qua baseball as the noumena, the game being the phenomenon means it's just that. The game is there, and you know, you've tried to walk away and you can't. You keep coming back. Meaning is made is both in the jubilation of awesometime wins, and in the bone crushing agony of defeat. And so let's watch! And make some meaning.


Reading back, I realize that my made up state above doesn't make any sense, and should indeed be a high number to indicate many men abandoned on base like Buzz Aldrin on the mooon (He's been there for 40 years now, plotting).

As an aside, sorry for not doing that wacky sidebar stuff. WV does all that and I have no idea how to do any of that stuff. I can barely manage these uber-basic html tags.

Oh Joe Mauer up with RISP? Will he B the RI in very hard? He is not a human being. He's something much... more... beautiful.

Don't you make a liar out of me, Global Warming. Next time, you magnificent bastard. Next time.



Strawberries on Good Eats right now. In a few minutes, Orange cream desserts!

I'm gonna do a little photoshopping.

God, even when we do something right we do it wrong. But what is this? Cuddy Ruxpin is starting first? What hath you wrought, Ron?

OK, so I had a friend who bought a CWS hat just so he could do this to it. Anybody else remember this?

Haw haw haw.

Things feel very... ominous.


OH YES! LET'S GO BACK TO THE EXTRA GAME THEY HAD TO PLAY! That's what I need to see right now. Game 163 where I ripped my still beating heart out of my own chest and then didn't know what to do with it.

Roy Smalley's story about John Danks, and I know you think the same thing, intrepid reader(s): The way he started that it could have been in some small magazine of pornographic essays.

I think I just heard some background voices from the mics about Tom Hanks. Hey, let's go to the ballpark and give reviews of movies where Tom Hanks has a doughy face and awful haircut!

It is better for me to listen for these things than watch Gomez swing at balls that bounce in front of the plate.


"I think the whole infield could pick the ball up before Red got home." I want to have dinner at his house, where he barks at his wife all nights and talks to his vegetables like they're people.

Alexei Ramirez, last seen as an alien in the fourth Indiana Jones movie (that never happened by the way). Or the diminutive alien fella in Harvey Birdman, if anybody watched that.

My favorite thing right now: The dudes in the front row that you can see behind Corky, stacking their beers up in front of them. They came to par-tay!


Oh gross. It's dog day. A close second in the "most disgusting idea for a game ever" competition after fountains of raw sewage being aimed at the crowd.

Span just cold messin' with Danks' mindhole.

I'm gonna peruse some google templates. Oooh, Mega Man!


Awesome. My media player will occasionally just stop and say it's a commercial break. WHAT ABOUT CLICK IT OR TICKET?


Look at how the Buehrle-lap sack rolls.

How can Mauer be 0-2? Well I mean, I get it, but you know, how?

Did Morneau make the third out or is my player being all janky lo-fi, who the hell knows? I guess that's impossible because Morneau is the second batter of the inning hmmmmmmmmm?

But then it cut back in and Morneau walked and what kind of shithole media player is this?

"Justin not a threat to go." Do it, good Dr. Do it.

Alexei's all smiling like I meant to do that. What are you, a cat?

Jason Kubel! And Morneau, I know you hustled all the way, but how awful was that throw by J-Dye? Bert just said it was outstanding but uh.... it was about halfway up the first base line as I saw it.

What is this? This execution with RISP? Of offense, with bats?


Welp, so much for the lead. Knew that as soon as he swung the bat.

I'm going to take a break for the remainder of this half inning. I'm not going on strike, just... skulking around my apartment for a bit.

OK now I'm on strike.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


A Salve For Our Wounds


So relaxing didn't really work for me last night. Perspective, as always, is key. There are grosser injustices happening in the world. But look:

1) I'll stop posting weird shit from youtube
2) The Twins are out of New York!
3) The Apostle's Crede!

There are bumps in the road:

1) Baker's schizophrenic pitching personality. 6 perfect innings and then a 5-spot is fuzzy math
2) Buerhlehrelhrle is usually pretty good against the Twins
3) Hawk really heaps praise on the Twins, so I have a hard time hating him. That doesn't have anything to do with the game, but I thought you'd like to know.


Mauer hasn't figured out a major league pitcher yet? The "Buerhle sold his soul to be a better than average pitcher" theory just got a big shot in the arm.


Whenever I see mutual of Omaha, I get that Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head. You know the one:

Like Mutual of Omaha
On the ill boat you never seen before
Gliding in the glades
And like Lorne Green you know I get paid

-Ch-ch-check It Out, Capital Records, 2004

I will not post the video. I've learned my lesson. You all want words.


Well Bert's not making any sense tonight, which is like saying he is on his game very much. Something to the effect of "Baker gave up 5 runs in six innings in Detroit and 7 excuse me 6 innings in five runs against Kansas City he threw a perfect game through 5 runs."

I am on board, sir.

Oh Cargo, will I ever get sick of you? Yes, but not right now. Running over to that ball like ZOMG BALL and then strolling like Oh yeah I got this.


I look at Buehrle's jersey and think "you must remember how to spell his name." And then I don't. But fuck him anyway.


Ooooh Car Talk has a facebook page!

Dear Scott Baker, Esq.:

Please stop nibbling the outer half of the plate. As Bert would say, go inside! And hit them in the ribs. I guess.

And then all hell breaks lose and I have to hear those damn fireworks. Way to overdo it, US Cellular field.

Anyway, get AJ out.


While I'm writing LOVER LETTERS:

Dear MLB Flash Player,

I don't want to see highlight graphics pop up on my screen (especially when it's Jimmy Rollins getting a bloop single). Please to be letting me somehow turn this off?


It's no coincidence that I'm not talking about the game right now.

DK: figures. I go cook a nice Italian dinner, and Baker goes all suck on me

RK: I think this is Baker's 200th pitch

DK: Of which 183 have been balls

DK: you know it's going to be a morose night when Gordo makes even the foul balls sound scary

RK: Dick thinks they're home runs. To be fair though, he thinks everything hit in the air is a home run

DK: hmm might have to go back to the dinner table...I forgot my daily helping of ANGER SALAD

RK: Dark times in Rivendell. I don't even feel like making a lemnas bread joke

DK: can Baker get a sextuple play and hedge some outs for the 3rd?

DK: finally...Mr. Po[d]se[d]nik goes down

RK: I wonder how many times Coomer has said some variation of "Bert, you're absolutely right?" And do you think this surprises Bert?

DK: Bert is always right. Hence the absolute.

RK: Tautology!


RK: Anderson gave Baker what-for in the dugout

DK: well the way Gordo's putting it, Scotty wanted to commit seppuku

RK: Hahaha, Bert: "This is war out here! I don't mean to say that word. It's a battle"

DK: Bah


RK: Dick's canoed down the Crow River - I've canoed down the Crow River!

DK: Kismet! Cargo!

RK: I like his style out there

RK: Ordinarily I'd say hey, it's alright, walk Thome and get Konerko to ground out. But uh...

DK: except that Konerko's already done the anti-groundout once

RK: So who's gonna be the longman tonight?

DK: they'll probably throw Henn to the wolves

RK: Baptism by fire! I like it

DK: "welcome to the bigs. now go get many many bitch sox out" or, translated into Gardy: "Go out there, battle your tail off, work hard and show me your good stuff"

RK: As long as he plays the game The Right Way


DK: someone has clearly replaced OMG with Folgers Crystals

RK: Oohooh! or replaced OMG with GMO

RK: Wellferthelovea

RK: Bert on Buehrle: "He tantalizes you!" GROSS


RK: Baker recorded an out in the first 4 minutes of an inning?

RK: And then.... a 1-2-3 inning? Could Rocket Bats be gone?


RK: Did Redmond pull the ball for a double VERY MUCH?

RK: And did Gomez slam his helmet on the ground VERY HARD?

RK: I am excited to see what Span the Bran Muffin can do

DK: Just cold killing that rally

RK: Damn you, the future


RK: If there's one thing I've learned from the Terminator franchise, it's that the future is always bad and full of robots trying to shoot lazer holes into your chest with their big metal guns and then Christian Bale tells you you're not acting professional

RK: Like that

DK: Yep. Or that it's your kids! something's gotta be done about your kids!

RK: The second one is still my favorite, and I'll punch you in the jeans if you disagree with me

DK: i suppose I should stop making back to the future references now that we got rid of Hoverboard

RK: Oh yeeeeeah. Short memory

DK: positive spin: got em right where we...want...them...?

RK: You're charitable. I'd say we got em right where we... got... them


OK, DK has a "job" where he "works," so you're stuck with me


And everybody else flies softly out


k-bro, yes! He did! And beautiful nickname! Good nicknames earn you eternal gratitude in my book. You let me know if you need anything.

And Getz "gets" called out on that bunt! Oh it's almost too easy! Almost? Yes, yes, too easy.

Hee hee hee, Buehrle-lap sack. Hee hee hee.

Hey, The Little Red Henn was pitching! Perceptions, I have them.


Oh god k-bro, you're giving me Donald Rumsfeld flashbacks. STOP IT.

I can't find the video, but remember when he said that his critics were "Henny Penny the sky is falling" types? Then again, and I say this as a certified Political Scientist, that's a really funny thing to say.

Naked Batting Practice elusively evades the tag and is safe on first, you sly fox!

He's an international art thief for sure.

Well.... that was weird! But a run scores.


1) I wonder what AJ was barking at to Jerry White
2) That bat boy in the dugout kinda looked a lot like Anne Hathaway

Aw hell, you gotta hold on to the ball, LNP. Scooter J. Hennessy is probably nervous enough!

Matt Gruyere is up and warming up and that always makes me hungry to say. The cave-aged gruyere at Whole Foods is really good. But then again, for why Whole Foods isn't any better for the environment or organics as your Rainbow, Cub, Sunmart, or Hornbachers, read, oh, anything by Michael Pollan.

Sean? Shawn? I met a Shaun one time and I was like "yeah right."

But he maintained that he knew his name more than I would.

So Scooter it is!

37 highlights! Try and stop me! Jeezy creezy

Well crap... I don't want to say that's the game, but doesn't it kinda feel like it is?




Hey, the Eli is in. This does not bode well.

Breslow = Bowlers = Les Brow = Elbows R = Rob Slew = Los Brew = Blowers = Serb Owl (these anagrams done by hand!)

"These kids, from Cuba, latin America, when the weather warms up, they warm up!" Careful Bert!

1-2-3 inning ok! OK just score 5 runs quick.


Is the rally starting? Probably not! But we are going to stick it through to the bitter bitter end. Avant!




Well, one of these teams had to lose I suppose. Baker? Not looking good, champ. But let's look at the bright side. k-bro gave us some sweet nicknames to add to the lexicon.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Everybody Hurry Up And Relax


People, it's been a rough few games. Blood boils, the cup of anger salad runneth over, words that would make a sailor blush are uttered.

(which would be a hearsay exception in the Federal Rules of Evidence for those of you planning on going to law school)

But tonight, we're gonna relax. I don't care if the Yankees score 10 times in the first inning. We're going to keep it low key. Here, I'll start.

This is weird.


"I am sick and tired of watching the Yankees celebrate!" You and me both, Bert.

And here's a problem. I can watch the game not 2 minutes in the past and watch it on ESPN. But then I lose Dick and Bert. I think I'll put the game on in the living room and if I hear a cheer I'll brace myself for the next 90 seconds. It's like an early warning system for a nuclear attack but instead of getting into my lead lined bunker with hobo beans and a stack of porno mags, I will clench my teeth.

Buh-what? What was Teixeira doing there? I mean, good on him for getting to wherever the Melky Way decides to throw the ball, but there it is.

OK I turned off ESPN. I'm going to be surprised.

Man, it's going to be easy to relax if it is the Twins who score 10 runs in the first inning. I am cool, calm, and collected.

Seriously, it's a little chilly for mid May in VA and my windows are open. It's almost goosebump chilly in here.


So. That hit by Jeter. Anybody else thinking that the Nicene Crede's back is still a little sore?

Oh dear. I may have to go find another chill-out video on the youtube. A balk?!

I'll just have to do a little mental diversion. Balk is like Gladden's commercials for Bock on the OH SHIT.

I may have to relaxingly boil my face off.

Sigh. There was little doubt hearing that off of Rodriguez's bat. Jeezy creezy. Still, nary an out recorded.

Hey! An out!

Well what the hell.

Let's chill out with "Montok Point" by William Orbit. Good thing I have a big collection of makeout music

So R.A. Dickey is warming up? Could be worse. I went to Yankee Stadium in the fall of 2004 for a Twins game and it went to extra innings and in the 11th Gardy put in Aaron Fultz and I thought well that's that and sure enough Bernie Williams hit a walk-off home run. I made it on TV that day, Dick and Bert noting what brave souls we were.

One good thing about the interweb stream is that sometimes it doesn't cut away when the teevee does, and Dick asked "What happened there?" in a terribly derisive tone. Silver linings people.

TB, we're keeping it stress-free tonight. Like Cafe Disco, without the cafe. Or disco.

Oh Bert, you just quoted Caddyshack. Little tender mercies like this are what gets me through rough patches of gawdawful baseball.


NB: I didn't mean for that header to be a pun on the phrase "Thanks a million." It was purely coincidental. Just like Omar don't scare, RK don't pun.

That's how you do, LNP. The push bunt past the pitcher, that's the old-school piranta baseball that I love so dearly.

Nothing comes of it, but that's alright, because we're chilling.


Hey, Dickey's doing work! Didn't watch much of it because I started watching "The Wire" clips on youtube. You know how it goes.

Re Swisher: "He's got a personality." Not to quibble Dick, but I was under the impression that most everybody has a personality. I don't want to engage in any ontological discussion here, but I think I'm onto something.

And R.A. Dickey shall lead them!


This is a case par excellance why I love the M&M boys. Maybe Mauer gets out, but then Morneau comes back and smashes a ball down the line. See, the thing is, in 2006, Cuddy would knock some folks in, but in 2009? Well.

Probably need some of this right now.


I suppose I could just talk about myself for a while. So I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (the flagship university, aka "Rocky Top") to give a paper at the International Social Theory Consortium. That is a very impressive sounding conference, and there were impressive people there, but come on now. I gave a paper defending Utopian literature, arguing that fiction sets us free to form a radical subjectivity. What does this have to do with anything? I of course found a way to mention baseball in my speech, as is a hallmark of most all of my academic career.

And this is perhaps a late apology as for why I (and WV) haven't been blogging well of late. I just finished up the semester last week and then gave a paper. I had to finish grading (and then deal with the deluge of emails of "but I'm one point away from [the next highest grade!]) and I have a job now.

I came to grad school because I had a job and I didn't like having to "work" all the time. And the first year of grad school was like college plus. You have a little money because they're paying you to go to school and you just take classes. Then in the second year you write your master's thesis. Then you're supposed to teach your own classes. Then give conference papers and publish journal articles. Then write a dissertation. But don't feel sorry for me because at the end of the day, my job is to read books and talk about them. That's really not so bad.

Also R.A. Dickey is doing a good longman job.


Then the TV comes back and Dick is talking about the Hindenberg and that's awesome.

Also Dick doesn't like New York. Which is weird, but I guess understandable. I like New York.


Gomez is doing his best May 2007 impression right now.

And then when I wrote that he stopped immediately. Thank you Cargo.

Hm, well that fizzled, but you gotta hand it to Pena. That was a hell of a play just there.


Now I know this isn't grounded in any rigorous empirical analysis, but I feel like every time Dick says something good about the team something bad happens.

But then 2 quick outs so I am talking completely out of my ass.

Teixeira's AB music is "I wanna rock" which reminds me of this Avis commercial:

I'm a youtube embedding fiend!


I tried my best to push that ball out with my MIND BULLETS, but to no avail.

That's telekinesis, Kyle!

Well that's it. I'm done.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009


We're Almost There


Well, almost there in both terms of the academic year and the standings. The Twins are close, and I have but to refine a paper for a conference on Thursday. Then! Back to baseball, back to blogging, and hopefully gainful summer employment.

It's been a long time. Let's see if I still remember how to do this. Just so you know, when I was in B'more, I took a lot of pictures during warmups. Pictures of booty. I'll share them with you eventually, but I want to get you a little worked up first, y'know?


RK: I believe in Slowey gin fizz. He's supposed to be the next Bradke there then

DK: I have full faith that "Slow Ride" will "take it easy" this evenin

RK: Wow that girl was yawning HARD. Like, aren't you excited to be at the Metrodome in its FINAL SEASON?

KK: She's all "I'm le tired...and thought it was wednesday for dollar dome dogs, le whine."

RK: What are the Tuesday Metrodome promos?

KK: I think half price home run porch? And "I wish it was Wednesday days"

RK: If I knew a guy named Greg Anderson, I'd call him Granderson. Not Curtis

DK: Slowey with a 3-ball count, I may faint

KK: If the game was outside, it would be in a rain delay. Sometimes I will miss the dome just for that reason and uh, thats about it.

DK: 4 pitch walk from Slowey *faints*

KK: Slowey please don't suck right away, I mean at least build me up then crush my hopes and dreams. better yet let the bullpen do that.

DK: QTF, ump, oh, never mind. It's Ed Rapuano. His strike zone is the size of a postage stamp, and worth far less than $0.43

KK: Sometimes I wish Kevin Slowey was a ground out pitcher not a fly out. Less of a stress factor.

DK: I wonder if Clete Thomas' nickname is "Spike"

KK: Clete, cleats, spike, ouch, pain, blood, zombie.

DK: I see no holes in that reasoning

KK: Clete Thomas is a zombie.

RK: That sounds like something a zombie would say...

DK: There's your ground ball KK

KK: ......DOUBLE PLAY! I can haz? Oh why thank you SO MUCH.

DK: And up steps the douchebag. A scary, but productive inning


RK: Guys, let's hope this game ends before 5:00 am EDT. Blogger's gonna have a scheduled outage

DK: Pfft...let's play 83!

RK: I won't rest till Punto pitches an inning. And does a headfirst slide off the mound to finish his delivery

RK: I'd like to see the Ford defense graphics try to not be so future-y. Like y'know ,a sepia tone and a harpsichord playing in the background. And a hyphen in "Short-stop"

KK: I have a theory as to why Manny was taking those women fertility drugs, it isn't actually from a pill. Clete is a zombie, matt tolberts walk on song is "zombie" by the cranberries, Clete bit Magglio Whoredonez because he's an 80's porn star, then he went on and bit Manny. Did I mention Magglio is actually a woman? And when he bit Manny he got injected with PMS, Post Magglio Suckage.

DK: Zombie thievery!

KK: ZOMBIES STEAL HOME RUNS, along with brains and blood.

DK: OMG shall have his revenge. Mark my words

DK: RK, they should do that whilst they wear their super sexy throwback jerseys.

RK: I hope Dlmn was taking notes on how to track a ball that's in the air

DK: TB and I have dubbed Dlmn "Roomba," as he goes around in circles yet still manages to suck in everything

RK: Let it be done!



DK: Leaving the bag early takes its toll, Bert!

KK: Whenever I see Magglio I sing "let your soul gloooooow!"

KK: Oh, that double play was most good, but.....or...what? Okay if he isn't touching the base and he tried to run to second I think that he should be out.

DK: I guess he tagged up

RK: Well the right call's the right call

KK: wild pitch? whats next, a home run? RK, I know it is but in my mind it isn't. Just like how every single game I find a reason why it's Cuddyers fault

RK: Yeah, you'll change your mind when you see the pictures from Cuddy's pornographic stretching routine

KK: Can I say I can have sexual feelings for someone, and want to see said pornographic stretching photographs and also hate said person at the same time?

DK: I don't think that's possible, either you want him or you hate him, KK

KK: Don't make me choose! I can't! It's not fair!

RK: Actually that makes sense. To all my ex-girlfriends

DK: Ah but see that's after they got to know you

KK: I want him........not to suck. And lately he 's been a very good boy.


KK: I just want to throw this out here, since they are showing Joe Mauer now. I might be getting a new kitten and I am temped to name it "meower". Cute or CUTEST cat name ever?

TB: I see what you did there. I like it. Find one with sideburns

KK: Or I can name it Cuddyer and kick it and say it fails me. I'm kidding. I don't even know where this sudden hate for Cuddyer. And would it be animal abuse if I make the cat have sideburns

RK: Yeah, you're not making any friends with Cuddy Buddies

DK: giving it sideburns would be abuse, but kicking it is ok?


KK: But see I'd never name my cat Cuddyer so there will be no kitty kicking.

DK: I'm full of logic today RK, seeing as I just watched 2+ hours of Zach Quinto getting his Vulcan on

TB: Well well well. CCR is back. Nice to see we won't have another weekend of BBuscher fielding groundballs...

RK: "Are YOU a facebook fan of Fox Sports North yet?" Did I catch a slightly accusatory tone in Dick's voice?

DK: I believe you did. In fact, I felt guilt

TB: Ball go bye bye



DK: doesn't quite have the same effect when Roomba does it

KK: He is a gorgeous man. A beatiful man. Roomba just ruined my star trek/crede happy high.

TB: Methinks he needs to return to the docking station

KK: Nicholas Paul Punto... sigh.


DK: Bert Blyleven. Better than YOUR color commentator. FACT.

TB: Slowey doesn't know what to do with the minimized strike zone. I can see it now: "Today, I pitched with an umpire that never called outside corner or inside corner. I'm a guy who paints corners. FML"

DK: I agree, his life is f'd

KK: That would totally be his twitter for the day. Wait is it under 140 characters?

DK: while Tiger fans would tell him "You deserved it"

TB: Joe Nathan memorized that. No joke. He was just looking off to the side because he's camera-shy.

DK: hey's a few more words than "Got you with the slider"

KK: Joe Nathan is so awkward

TB: The Motor City Kitties will be taking over the LOB crown soon


KK: Who wears a hawaiian shirt to twins games? Oh douchebags do.

TB: I conclude that Crede is substantiated as H < 270

DK: I think Tolbert just exceeded Sandcastle's sac bunt total

KK: Tolbert needs to teach the whole team how to bunt. Bunt master.

TB: Starting with Pinko




DK: I tried pitching inside to Joe Mauer once. It did not go well

KK: Did you know that one weakness for zombies is home runs by studly minnesotan boys? Weird huh?

TB: If anybody has experience about watching homeruns go out, it's Bert

RK: I'll have to readjust my zombie survival kit to one (1) Joe Mauer

DK: and one (1) outside belt-high fastball

RK: "Straight up old school baseball at its finest," huh Coom? I mean, I always thought baseball was more straight up old school baseball but perhaps in the 1870s it was a game of gentlemen manager-players waxing each others' moustachios and waxing philosophic


TB: Definitely slow riding and taking it easy.

RK: That song will forever and ever remind me of the film Dazed and Confused

TB: Tolbert you ass


RK: You know what would be awesome? An out. Or 2

TB: Slow Ride you goofball. Why can't you just have four normal shutout innings


TB: For some reason I keep forgetting that we get to bat too. I just like watching Slowey make baserunners magically disappear

DK: its pure voodoo trickery, I tell you. it's like the Dome basepaths are a singularity


TB: And now, Brendan Harris in-dugout-because-of-mancrush-on-Punto correspondent

DK: Brendan Harris sounds like he's 14

DK: I can totally imagine Bert setting shoes on fire

TB: Oh I bet they just love doing that.

DK: Double plays are mad hot

TB: Well, um. Matt Tolbert web gem? I did not expect that

RK: Redemption!


RK: Dontrelle Willis is going tomorrow?

TB: Affirmative.

RK: I suppose that's good news. For the fightin' geminis

KK: Kevin Slowey gives me heart palpitations. And wow I make a good chicken philly.

DK: what happened? I blinked and we're not batting anymore


KK: So I used string cheese, not provalone for my philly since I have no provalone. And it's kind of amazing. Okay I'm done bragging about my cooking skills. I shouldn't talk, should I RK?

KK: I dont like home runs when our team doesn't hit them, simply put.

TB: Teh shutout iz gon

RK: I'm just happy when people cook for themselves in any capacity. It's not hard and it's cheaper and better for the Earth the end. Off the soapbox

TB: You have inspired me, I may go warm up my EasyMac now.

DK: Remember to use water, TB

RK: Close enough. Gotta eat what you got, right? Your mom would be happy you're cleaning your plate

KK: Awwww RK, being all cute about the earth and stuff. Plus Morneau eats mac and cheese so it's a super awesome food.

TB: Today's Tuesday. If they've only been down University twice I would be very surprised

RK: It's on my mind, I just finished my Political Economy of Digestion seminar paper today

KK: You are so full of fancy sass.

TB: Also, whatever I don't eat will be thrown into my car to take home and then sit in my cupboard at home forever

RK: I feel like we're off topic. Weird.


TB: Tie goes to the runner

TB: Roomba: Steady diet of sliders and can't digest any of them.

TB: Dick is helping along our food theme tonight, I see


TB: I'll take that

KK: Double plays, you're doin' it wrong

KK: I just laughed at how Dick said gallaraaagaa's name.

KK: I enjoy Joe Credes slicked back hair. It's so like early 90s beach model.

DK: oh god....they're warming up the wrecking Crain

RK: Span the Bran Muffin better bring in at least 2 here


DK: oh sure NOW he calls one off the corner


TB: We need to create an account called Allowance for Doubtful Insurance Runs. And fill it up with a big number when Crain comes in.

DK: we lack the grades to back up the Accounting jokes, TB 

RK: Made perfect sense to me, but uh, I'm brilliant. ... and modest

TB: Have I ever fallen off a bicycle, Dick? I'm from Oronoco, you fall off your bike and consider it a good day. Fall out of a tree or off the roof and then come ask me about bikes

KK: Joe Mauer is the Mildred of baseball.


DK: let's get Denarded in here

(These rough beasts started talking about Nick Punto's ass, and I've been a bit busy, so just, y'know, imagine that)


KK: I am glad they just showed a couple making out, furthering the reason why I think bert is a dirty old man who eats goldfish, crickets, and night crawlers.

RK: The latter is true separately


TB: That guy in the pepsi commercial sounds like the chocolate rain guy

KK: We do live in America, I wouldn't doubt it for a second that it's actually him.

RK: He has a name. His name is Robert Paulson. I mean Tay Zonday

TB: Yeah, if Mag didn't go on that pitch, I don't know what to think

KK: Jose Mijares' eyes creep me out. Soul sucking, they are.

KK: Matty G does work, son

TB: Well, good.


TB: Iceman is silly

RK: I like how he needles Bert. I don't think Bert wants absurdity competition

KK: Iceman is most good.

RK: Doubleplusgood

TB: Time for super awesome home run

KK: Iceman is challenging Berts sass....and what did gomez do get shot with an invisible paint ball?

(Stuff is happening and a run scored, but the final paper for the class I teach is due tomorrow, so I'm being innundated with emails, so chill)


KK: Tweak is such a spazz ass. I'm shocked he hasn't had a stroke yet from all the stress he puts on himself.

RK: So I'm sure the game is over by now, but I'm still on the second batter. Somebody from the future?

KK: Nathan got spiked OH NOES, that was some fancy dance moves he just did. He was so two stepping.

RK: He's just gonna rub some dirt on it


Well I did a terrible job transcribing this liveblog. My apologies to DK, KK, TB, and all other two letter combinations and permutations. But! A win!

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