Thursday, June 26, 2008


I'm Finally Here


So I battled with for a while because I'm watching from campus instead of home (Tech has free air conditioning and I'm cheap like that) and mlb FREAKED OUT. Couldn't verify where I was, I had to call, anyway, here I am and it's terrible because Bert is on, but I'm in the office, where things need to be quiet and can't listen. It's like I'm Tantalus, but instead of cutting up my children and trick-feeding them to the gods... I rode my bike to school. Analogy in progress.


I don't know if I feel like CarGo should have snagged that ball, but still, Baker, don't ruin this good thing. I thought we left Rocket Bats behind.

Jody Gerut - another product of the mid-aughts Clevelandia team with funny names. Milton Bradley, Coco Crisp, Jody, Jhonny, probably some guy named Kitten Milk too.

1-run, OK, well, way to stay in the statistics (what is it? Like 92% of the time, a runner on 3rd with no out will score?) I don't know.

Well shit.

Not that I'd trade, but Dougie Pinetar would have made that play. Trust.


BOOM goes Justin Morneau and he says "verily, all of our wins are come from behinds and now let us go forth and score some runs - here I will give you some."


That unearned run really looks terrible right now.

But we can expect a HR or two from the 7 and 8 guys, right?


This is an inning to forget for the Transporter (Cargo, you see? I don't know if I like that) and the Sandcastle.

Do it again, Dr. Neau, do it again.

But the Arbee eye is just as good.


Casilla continues his tumbling routine, and we'll hopefully see a plie soon.

Seems the defense as well as Baker has settle down. Which is good, because we don't want to deflate the souffle. Bad pun. I'm sorry.


You know, this season, and this will sound kinda strange, I've been disappointed by the lack of Kubel hating. Could it be that:

a) those people don't come around here no more
b) Kubel is clearly a good baseball player
c) b

The answer is b. or c.

Buscher wants to know: Who's Mike Lamb?


See above: what a play by Buscher! Not quite Al Newmanesque, but still a good read and a good throw on a tough play.

And Baker has put down the ghost of Rocket Bats. Well done, my friend. Well done.


Hey Telly! Y'know, he actually sounded pretty good right there. Congrats to him and his.


I was getting distracted, because I'm on the facebook, right? You can be my friend if you like, it's cool, I'm [a] promiscuous [friender]. Anyway, a friend updated the friend details to be something supposedly hilarious though I have a feeling something trite, not funny, and painfully unorignial. I have no idea how to see this. This is how I spend my time.

Baseball, huh?


Not only is Reyes a left handed specialist, he's a one-pitch specialist. I want his job!


Losing steam... losing steam.... losing steam!

If anybody has seen the MST3K movie, sing that to the "Normal View" song. Also, you're awesome.

OK, I actually have a dinner reservation to keep, so I gotta run. Let's hope the score holds!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I Got My Coffee


Sorry folks, I just got here and it's gonna be a long night. Maybe I had some cocktails, maybe it was dollar off mojitos at the cajun place, but big whoop wanna fight about it? OK.

Harris was a former National? How did I not know this? Loyal reader and contributor TL was at the Nationals game on Monday (some people would call that yesterday) and tagged a picture of Torii Hunter as me on Facebook. He is insane.

There are some pretty key differences between he and I. He is much older.


I have settled on Der Kaiser's nickname for Kevin Slowey - Slowey Gin Fizz. How do I link to this stuff?


Tony Gwynn, from his voice alone, must be 4 feet tall and 3 feet wide. Oh, is that about right?

Oof, this lack of execution does not bode well. Slowey can't get the bunt down, CarGo shows more emotion than Kenneth Branaugh in a Shakespeare movie, and Casilla goes down on the first pitch. Oh bother.

As AB would say.


Slowey Gin Fizz looks to be about on pace to go 7, knock on wood. He's averaging 16 pitches per inning, so maybe if he knocks that down a bit oh my head hurts.


Slowey has a season high with 7 Ks? Who needs Johan, he who gives up home runs to pitchers in the AL? I kinda feel bad for the guy because he's over in that catastrofuck in Queens and he doesn't need that in his life.

Nibbish, you read my mind, thinking of these two pitchers in tandem. Slowey is truly pitching a good game so far.

Also, I feel like I've been away a long time. I couldn't watch the Nats games (blacked out) and I was gone all weekend and now it's late and I'm only impaired enough to not know how to do html. The benefit for you of course is that I have never known how to do html which leads me to his axiom:

When you drink, your brain kills cells that haven't been used to learn anything yet, so the net loss is practically zero. This is a true fact based on rigorous science.

Well hey, um, let's get these runs across, huh? I was distracted by Stephen Colbert. Like you do. Why is it so late? God I hate the west coast.

Brendan Harris, you go sit down and think about what you've done.


"Gets off of a sharp wicked hook?" Sorry announcer man, I believe it's a wicked sharp hook. Or do they say it differently in the oxygen bars?

I don't really hate the west coast. Whatever.

What? McNutty shouldn't be batting, he should be patrolling the streets of B'more, getting Bodie Brodus got.

Tony Gwynn makes a good point; most pitchers get easier to hit the later they go, due to seeing them more, arm fatigue, etc. Thank you for making sense, Tony. You totes deserve to be in the H.O.F.

Number one web gem for sure! Mauer's throw wasn't on target but Casilla somehow somersaulted and applied the tag and made a Peanut Buster Parfait at the same time.



Mike lambda, may the beard see you through this dearth of offense.


/too much enthusiasm maybe.

San Diego announcers, you're OK in my book. Of course Bert belongs. Of course. I'm getting worked up just thinking about it.

Lambda, stop it.

Bert used to cut off Dick's tie? Really? That's... I dunno, I'm glad he doesn't do that anymore. I have something of a tie... thing. I may have over 50 neck ties. I used to have a real job where I had to wear ties and everything, and anyway.

Did you know on Kevin Slowey's blog when he writes Dick Bremer it comes out **** Bremer? Because he's clearly talking about a penis.

PaB, night time. Like the USA network, a little more erotic, but not really, so go to bed already.


Oh Crainadian. Runners at the corners with no out? How did it ever come to this?

Well for the love of...

I guess Jesse and Joe are gonna put money in the pot to buy Slowey dinner for ruining his chance to win the game.

Gardy is looking a-pretty tan right now. Think he went to the ocean on his day off? Or called his wife and just barked at her all day?

Double play! That would have been great! Earlier! Oh well, at least they'll score a bunch of runs in the 8th.


What was Justin thinking? Seriously. Somebody tell me. I want an answer immediate style.


The only thing that makes sense is what Gwynn said. That somehow, Morneau expected that in the dirt, thinking he could make it to second. Perhaps Tony is being charitable to the should-be better-be American Leauge 1B All-Star

Leadoff walks never end well. Or often don't end well. Or all of the time sometimes don't end well. I don't like how this feels.

What is going on with the bullpen? I know statistically and everything blah blah blah, but 2 on no out? Gah!

A strikeout of Jody is encouraging, now if only the good guys could get a double play ball, that'd be stupendous.

OK, bringing in the Grand Slam Breakfast to get the lefty out, I can see that. Hey, they might just get out of this!

Man, I wish I could get that job. One pitch, one out, paycheck please?


Harris! You've redeemed your striking-out ass! I was about to call it a night and go to bed!

As opposed to calling it a night and making clay pots.

And what Brian Buscher? What oh my lord, I'm dreaming. I have to be asleep right now.

Next thing you know they'll pinch for Reyes with Monroe and he'll hit a dinger.

Nibbish, are you also asleep? It's like 4 in the morning here on the east coast.

I called the Monroe PH! That Means Something! Because I capitalized it. That was not a complete sentence.

And Monroe ends it, but whatevs.


Joe Nathan is all Trever Hoffman ain't shit, and stop wasting my time.


The Twins won, but I still don't believe I'm awake, so we'll see what happens in the morning. Good night everyone.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Hey Y'all


Well, I suggested to RK that I celebrity guest blog sometime, and seeing that he doesn't get MASN (Mid-Atlantic-Sports Network), and I do... well, here I am.

I recently moved to the Washington, D.C. Metro area as an Atlanta Braves fan. Well, my hometown AAA affiliate Richmond Braves are leaving town, and I decided to ditch my Braves and become a Nats fan. After all, I can't join a team when they are hot. Clearly I am not a fan of Boston.

Yes, I became a fan of the fighting Walgreens of Washington, D.C.

As you can see from the picture above, the beloved curly W (seen on the Metrorail card to the
right) looks eerily similar to a certain drug-store logo. Unfortunately, you can't fill your prescription at the new park, but you can enjoy a pretzel stuffed with crab meat, a pretty good chili dog, or a Senator's Sausage. Whoops. Didn't think that last one through:

Don't look or anything, but Larry Craig is right behind you.

Anyhow... RK and I enjoyed some Senators Sausages, and I witnessed yet another loss.

I did have the pleasure recently to give Pujols the stinkeye (thanks to really good seats from work) and see a walk-off, 2 run homer in the 10th against the Cards. I also got a Ryan Zimmerman bobblehead. That'll do me a lot of good, sitting on my bobble DL.

Anyhow, this blog is about y'all. I mean, you guys. From what RK tells me, Y'all have a beautiful city, with friendly people, blue skies, and Bert.

Well, here we go. Maybe the Nats can pull off W number 30 tonight. 30 wins in June! I do declare! Once, I even saw us hit the ball.

But then again, this is a Twins blog.

TOP 1st

Well, Guz has been on fire lately. And we thought all he did was drill it into the dirt!

2 on. Don't fret.

Fun Fact: TL doesn't know all that much about baseball, but loves it nonetheless. At least I fit in as a Nats/Braves fan in that respect.


Whoa. already more exciting than last night. Fastball to the face on a bunt.... Lo Duca getting his wrist snapped back on an error at first.

Bergmann vs the Bunt-happy Twins. Maybe y'all figured out you can run on us nearly every chance.

If you look closely, you will see that foulin' Joe Mauer didn't swing. He hit the ball with his good looks alone. Nats decide to walk him just because he is too handsome to stay at the plate.

Note: delightful organ-player y'all have.

The Nats game the other day had a smattering of Kelly Clarkson, Hava Nagila (about 15 times), Car Wash, and some early-90's techno. I half-expected to hear Cher.

Morneau is actually ineligible to play today, as his HR from last night never actually landed. It is believed to be crossing Lake Superior at the moment.

Twins 1 Walgreens 0

TOP 2nd

And a slew of Slowey comments are spewing from Sutton (Don Sutton!). I bet you Twins don't ever get tired of "Slowey Fast Ball".

I think Manny Acta should be fired at 2am, and the Nats should hire Willie Randolph. Then we could change our name to the Washington Willies. Willie Randolph, Willy Harris, Wily Mo Pena, Wil Nieves... Will-we-ever-winafreakingame??


Nice hit into the trashbag, another error.... and 2 runs!

"Speeding Drivers Get Tagged" (the ad behind home plate) Who makes this ad? It doesn't list a sponsor...

Fun fact: at every Nats game I have gone to, I have seen at least one person with a Twins jersey on.

2 unearned runs....

Twins 3 Walgreens 0

TOP 3rd

Well, the limp willies return to home plate.

Out. Out....... and Elijah-I-can't-even-do-things-right-when-I-do-things-right is... out at first.


Are you aware of the New York Yankees newest entrepreneurial endeavor? That's right. Not the Hard Rock Cafe. A NYY steakhouse. For the remainder of the Blog, I will research other NYY products coming soon. Clearly their logo isn't plastered on enough items:

Tasteless on my part? Yes. Worth it? Yes.

TOP 4th

Guzman is 2nd in hits behind Chipper Jones. He had Laser Eye surgery. RK is shocked.

Dmitri Young and Delmon Young look nothing alike.

Actual In Game Trivia with Don Sutton:

Who hit the game winning HR in game 6 of the 1991 World Series?

Anyone?... I'm not sure...


Distracted on my part. A good friend of mine is in town and wants me to meet her at Chili's. Too bad Chili's sucks so bad, but I should at least be able to follow the game. Perhaps I will see you all tomorrow night? (By you all I mean someone other than RK) Or perhaps you hate me. Yankpons are trademarked. Don't you even try and market them.

TOP 5th

My cousin Felipe just hit a home run. Morneau style.

Guz ties Chipper for hits. sorry this blog is so Natscentric.

Lastings-my-name-really-sucks-Mill.... is out.

And I'm out. It's been an honor! RK will take over.


TL has a rare opportunity to spend the evening with probably the most stupefyingly gorgeous woman in VA, and we can't begrudge him wanting to take off.

But I'm watching gameday, so I'm cranky.

The gray blob hit a red dot!

Cuddly McDimples' ears look floppy and goofy in his picture. Which makes me like him a little more.


4 pitch walk to the meathook

3 pitch strikeout to... the next guy.

Yin and yang unite.

TL's parting comment: "Slllooooooweeeeeey"

Yeah yeah, get out of here.

Aaron Boone singled, and is high out of his mind.

Can Slowey get out of this? I don't know! He's invisible! Which is a neat trick. All I see is the trajectory of his pitches. And a bunch of statistics that don't mean anything to me because I've never taken physics. That's right. Not on any single level ever. I'm even a little skeptical of gravity.

And that's why there's 3 outs and that's a TRUE FACT.


Hey, the younger Young has taken two pitches!

Based on that red dot it looks like Buscher was close to his first dinger.


People on base with nobody out and only up by two and OH GOD.

Oh my that strikeout was much needed. Not only for the chances of the Twins pulling this game out but for me to be a statistical anomaly of dying of a heart attack at 25.

A second strikeout? Could it be that we can get out of this inning with little to no damage? Dare I put my faith in the bullpen?

And Jesus doesn't come through! This particular Jesus. Your Own Personal Jesus. /Depeche Mode

I...I just can't do this guys, blog while watching game day. As Milton Bradley would say, I'm strong, but I'm not that strong.


Get Ready

In our effort to increasingly democratize this site, and open up the keys to people who consistently demonstrate the funny who also have good taste in.... well, OK taste isn't a prerequisite, you'll have a guest blogger tonight.

As you know, I can't watch Nats or O's games because of where I live and Comcast doesn't carry them for me, and I can't go to the radio. No, I just can't.

And WV is going to Giants games because he's bourgeoisie.

Anyway, longtime reader, friend, and fellow Hokie, TL (original fabricator of "The Bakernator") will be your guest blogger tonight. Let him have it!


Thursday, June 12, 2008


Let's Sit Down for a Chat


Just got here in time! And boy do we have stuff to talk about! I'd like to discuss tonight:

1. Joowan Rincon's departure
2. Kucinich's resolution to impeach President Bush
3. World Systems analysis
4. Baseball

Not necessarily in that order

Can Livan avoid the Ortiz slump? Or will Victor Martinez break out? Can you believe some people call him V-Mart? I know, it's pretty stupid.


Who's behind the plate? Joe West, I bet, who sucks. I thought I knew what the strike zone looked like, but apparently I was wrong.

Back to back singles by the M&M boys, do I smell a 2-out rally? No, I smell the forest fires around Blacksburg that have enveloped this little town with a hazy smoke.

Right now, if there's anybody I want up with the bases loaded, it's the man from South Dakota, Kubel Khan.

My optimism was unjustified, but I'm pretty stubborn like that.


Bon Jovi is on pace to give up 300 hits this year, huh?

"That thing wouldn't have got a ticket on the freeway." That is the perfect way to describe that slow curve Bon Jovi throws.

Garko auto insurance is looking more and more Shrek-like I think.


I don't mean to be suspicious, but if you look at Joowan's ERA, it was either abnormally high at the beginning and end of his Twins tenure, or abnormally low in the middle. And here's what we know: he was indeed suspended for some games for taking performance enhancing drugs, and he wasn't quite the same pitcher after he served that time.

At the end of the day though, I really don't care. The bullpen needs some work, Rincon's not getting it done, so see you later, buddy. Juice it up a little bit, get one more contract, and tell the truth when you get caught again.

As long as you don't lie about it, you're alright - right Andy Petitte? The HGH user?

Viktor Martinez is talking about trying to play through terrible elbow pain.

Dear MLB players,

What's with the tough guy act? How can trying to play hurt help your team? If you're hurt, tell someone, and get it taken care of. Then you'll be better and the team will be better and you an all have grumblecakes when you come back to the team.



I don't mean to quibble, but Detroit beat the Bitch Sox 2-1 on a Miguel Cabrera home run. Oh, they listed it backward to make me think the game was in Chicago, making a Tigers walk-off impossible. OK, I'm better now. The world makes sense again.


Seeing all these fly balls hit deep to center makes me nervous, like it's only a matter of time till they get to Bon Jovi.

I don't quite understand the background graphics clevelandia is using here. It looks like those Adidas shower sandal things, you know, the ones with the bumps that leave little pockmarks on the bottom of your feet till your skin toughens and anyway tough dig for Morneau, but Jimmy Choo shoes would have been out.

Jimmy Choo shoes too easy? A little too Sex in the City? Or is it Sex AND the City? Does it matter?

Laffey has a 1.38 ERA at the Jake, so this might well be the end.


Hey ladies, do people call Casilla "Sexy Lexi" yet?

Casilla, ladies and gentleman, was safe.

Well then.


I'm what some people would describe as a radical (small d) democrat, in that I like group actions on a local scale to do achieve good things. As such, as a budding political scientist, I don't care too much about the US Presidential election. Obama or Clinton? Or McCain? Who cares. But I do like the notion that leaders should be held accountable and never get too comfortable.

So when Kucinich was laughed off for passing 30 some odd articles of impeachment a couple days ago, and was sent to the committee where it will languish and disappear, I don't understand what the big deal is. Go ahead, impeach the President, why not? I'd be OK impeaching officials every 6 months or so.

Or here's a tradeoff - make the President elected by the people, not an electoral college, and let them propose and run referendums. Oh, but that's wishful thinking.

Also, Livan has given up some more hits.

He's putting some pitches on the corners, but he's got to put them away.

Game on mute - it's time for Good Eats. If I was part of a religion, it would be the church of Alton Brown.

Boy, that sure looked like a strike to Delucci to me.

I'm glad the sound isn't on!

Impeach Livan?


State Farm agents of the game? I don't get it.



Only down 7? Psh. Give up a few more!

Or bring in Sars, who induces the double play to much rejoicing. Hey, I'm in this to the bitter end (of the game. Or unless I go on strike. Or get distracted by some Flash game that I find on the interwebs)


Tender mercies: I'm rooting for a vanity run here.

And Macri comes through for me!

Gotta give credit to Lewis Carroll, going down the rabbit hole to make that catch.

The hitting streaks of the top two are in danger


Nibbish, it's comments like that that keeps me going.

Sars giving out free passes like subprime lenders gave out loans the past 5 years, however... not so much.

8-1. Gawd.

Anybody excited about the US Open?

Germany dropping one to Croatia?


They're giving this game away like a Red Hot Chili Pepper song.

Relevance! 20 years ago.

Nibbish, I don't blame you, but I got nothing going on.

Wait, sure I do. I'm out


Wednesday, June 11, 2008


...The Hell?


So I was feeling kinda bad, being away for so long, on account of me not being able to watch Orioles games and taking the weekend off (boundaries, people). To make up for it, I seized upon (what I thought was) a good idea, and made Twins Street Fighter characters. Mauer shooting a fireball, etc. It really works if you're 25 and had a Super Nintendo growing up. Relatedly, you could get 600 homers a season playing Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball. Uh, whatever.

Then the team hit a 5-game losing skid, and these pictures of hitters displaying power seems woefully inappropriate. So until such a time as is warranted, the aforementioned pictures will stay locked up in my photoshop vault. I have a feeling I'll be able to tell my cell phone to make me a taco before the Twins put up 10 runs a game again.

But of course, I'd love to be proven wrong.

WV is almost done with his quarter (Stanford still uses quarters - weirdos) and if you're privileged enough to be his friend on the facebook, his paper on The Birth of Tragedy is becoming increasingly literal. That guy!


WV: If only the Twins pitching staff could manage itself, like Gardy's Kinetico water softener.

RK: No Hafnter at 1st, I wonder what John Gordon will do with his North Dakota trivia factoids.

RK: Some people would have you believe that there is 200 billion barrels of oil just laying around there, which doesn't make any damn sense. So I watch CSPAN all day, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

WV: Like our Norwegian and Germanic ancestors, we're in danger of falling prey to the Roughrider Propaganda Machine.

RK: Until Byron Dorgan says something about it, I don't believe it. PHIL JACKSON'd

WV: If anyone's bored:

WV: If Cates makes the big, he can be ELNP (Even Littler Nicky Punto)

WV: Grady looked more like Tom Sizemore there...

RK: Zing! Laid out like Tom Sizemore after a 4 day bender

WV: The hits are coming so fast John Gordon is about two double behind in his reporting.

WV: "Joe Cuddyneau hits a double off the bag, Carlos Mauer scores!"

RK: My video player is lagging, but my stat updater is in real time

RK: So I can see the future on my sidebar

RK: "Carl Lewis goes back to the dugout." I feel like I should do something with this. Have you seen Carl Lewis' gawdawful music videos?

WV: Oh have I. I've got a feeling we'll soon have more awesome embedded videos.

WV: The only time Kubel's bumblebee dance is acceptable is when he hits one of those into the seats.

RK: Yum yum bumblebee bumblebee Kubel


RK: They're interviewing SeeSee Sabathia from the torso up. I guarantee he's preparing himself a huge plate of nachos

WV: And budgeting for the fat contract he'll receive in a few months.

RK: This is the worst interview ever. He's just sitting there, they're not even talking to him. Oh good, the inning is over, so they can put this interview out of its misery


RK: It's fun watching the game with no audio. Good Eats > Cleveland announcers

RK: BUT, Good Eats < Bert


RK: Why does MLB tell me to keep watching? Of course I'm watching!

RK: That'd be like a waiter telling me to "keep eating" at dinner. No shit, Gaston, I'm on it

WV: And it's not like you can change the channel.

WV: And Nicolas Garkozy grounds out...very effeminately.

RK: And takes 4 months of vacation!

WV: I'm sure Joowan truly has a stiff neck. Somebody's looking to extend that MLB per diem through a stint on the DL methinks...

RK: The less I see of him right now the better, though

RK: Ahnd Pheralt whalks

WV: Wow, a inning-ending double play. At least Cleveland has good reason to boo--us, we're rebuilding.


RK: I wonder if the number to get tickets to the Jake is still 420-HITS, or if someone clued them into it

WV: It certainly still is.

WV: Hafner: I was gonna live up to lofty expectations, but then I got high.

RK: He needs to go back to Jimmytown and reconnect with what made him. Or have a sleepover at Darin Erstad's house

RK: I also like your facebook philosophizer, Gadamer. That or I just liked my Puerto Rican professor saying "Gadamerian"

WV: Ha. If I ever teach Gadamer, it'll be to the tune of the Ramones. Gadamer Gadamer Hey!

RK: I'll teach him by pronouncing his name "goddamn-er". Because I'm juvenile like that

WV: If you ever write a sub-par essay on Gadamer, your advisor can write: "You Gadamer'ed it all to hell!"

RK:The only essays I write are sub-par. And then I say "shit, would you believe a double?"


RK: lambda really has a hard time laying off the high fastball

WV: I'm not sure that pitch that got Harris out was a strike earlier

RK: I think everyone: you, me, the Indians, the Twins are now coasting through this affair.

WV: Yep, this game definitely has taken an April in Senior Year turn


WV: I guess the Twins must think that 6 runs will be enough.

RK: Let's hope so, seems like we'll have Boooof coming out the pen soon

WV: Boof: "I'm gonna sink this bitch."

RK: Is it weird that I still remember the full title of that episode?

RK: Oh shit.

WV: Tom Sizemore, he's not. Boof feels more comfortable with an ERA over 6, so.

RK: Remember when the bullpen was good?

WV: You'd think with all of our troubles they'd let the starters go longer.


RK: You might think. Like a Cars song. That is the Cars right?

WV: I think it is.

RK: When I get nervous about the game I plunge into 80s nostalgia

WV: Me, I get just plain anxious. Like George F. Will trying to decide between ideology and objectivity.

RK: I reiterate: If I were to open up my front door and throw a baseball out of it, Delmon Young would swing at it

RK: George F. Will doesn't see the difference. Pure ideology and pure objectivity are the same thing

WV: If only the Twins were down 10, Dlmon would knock one out.

RK: I don't believe there's such a thing as a "meaningless homer," but some clutch hitting would be nice here

WV: Right homers are what we need--not any of this clogging up the bases

RK: You shut your mouth, Dusty Baker

WV: Delmon's swinging at everything is very un-TK


WV: Big K there; Jhonny ghoes dhown ohn shtrikes.

RK: I'm still pretty nervous

WV: Whew.

RK: Exactly, I was singing "(Keep Feeling) Fascination" by the Human League to keep it together, and that's dire straits


WV: If I could steal bases, I'd wink after standing up, every time.

RK: Sure, it's a rare occasion where winking would be appropriate

WV: That insurance run somewhat relieves me

RK: Both Cargo's and the Sandcastle's hitting streaks are alive

RK: I like when Justin does the damn thing


WV: I enjoy the win, but I don't like what the bullpen is doing. They gotta get it together like a Beastie Boys song

RK: I get the sense that if they don't get it together, they'll be moving apart via the waiver wire.

WV: I feel Death Metal's loss like whoa right now

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Comcast Is Stoopid

Hey everybody, I get blocked from Orioles games because I live 300 miles away from Baltimore! So I can't watch the game because Comcast doesn't carry whatever channel the O's play on. So... dammit.


WV: Not to worry: we'll soldier on with a radio feed.

RK: Firing up Gameday!

WV: So, TV on the Radio. Bleh bleh bleh my baaaby. Bleh bleh bleh lay hands on me.

RK: Hey now, I like TVOTR. So much I say TVOTR instead of TV on the Radio

WV: That's a sure fire way to know you like them.

RK: Come on Invisible Slowey, strike that anonymous gray batter out!

WV: With video games et al., my imagination and my gut experience the same kind of atrophy.


WV: Now that you're relegated to audio, do you appreciate the extra oomph Gardy puts into "bathroom caulk" in his Local Hardware spots?

RK: I'm still watching Good Eats - puff pastries son

RK: Hm, The Chairman was also in the Island of Dr. Moreau

WV: I hear he's not really the nephew of the original Chairman. I'm considering going all James Frey on his ass.

RK: Break him into a Million Little James Freys

RK: The lesson we learned from that brouhaha is if you wanna write about drugs, you better have done them

WV: Right. The same goes for gang banging. Oddly enough it doesn't apply to being successful in business....

RK: Y'gotta fake it

WV: You can dupe Joe Q. America on investing his retirement funds but if you prevaricate about seeing root canals done without anaesthesia....shame on you!!

RK: I read about that in the WaPo. The last thing you want to do is anger suburbanite yuppie parents. They're like locusts, but with ironic glasses and adorable play rooms

WV: And Humvee-esque strollers to take up sidewalk space in their gentrified neighborhood.

RK: I'm not even going to link this to baseball. 3 up 3 down, segue free.


RK: I see the ghost of Kevin Millar just hit a home run

WV: Yessir, on a slow Slowey change-up.

RK: Left it right up there, huh?

RK: Oh boy

WV: Back to back to back hits....Well, getting 2 runs out of this mess is about the best Slowey could've hoped for.

RK Boy am I behind you. That seemed like a complicated play.


RK: Is this Elizabeth's first start?

RK: Thin Lizzy? What works here?

WV: That works just fine.


WV: I'd feel uncomfortable if we weren't playing from behind.

RK: Yeah, it's their M.O. this year

RK: Gotta disagree with you, RB: I dig the hiked up socks. Makes me pine for Dougie pinetar

WV: Good to see that Slowey Gin Fizz has settled down nicely, though.



Monday, June 02, 2008


An Impending Sense of Dread


Which is pretty much how I start every day. Kidding! Kind of. Whatever. So what happened over the weekend? I was incapacitated up in DC from Fri-Sun, and I see there was a heartbreaker of a loss and Nikolai Blackburn took a liner off the nose. Does that about sum it up? Hey, whatever, only a game out of first place!

This optimism may sound manufactured, but Dandy Andy Pettite is just one of those guys who owns the Twins with no rhyme or reason to it - like Mussina does his transformation into Don Drysdale, Pettite cleft in his chin deepens and he becomes someone else when pitching against the Twins. Coupled with Livan on a Jet Plane's flaccidity against the Yankees, we may be in for a long night - but I refuse to believe so! Kubel will come through for me - assuming he's in the lineup. Research it, you say? Bah! I wonder who our announcers will be for the evening. I'm hoping for Orel Hersheiser and Rick Sutcliffe.


Yes, Orel! He looks like what Damien from "The Omen" would look like all growed up.

And Steve Phillips! He's about to make a terrible trade!

It surprises me how much Jeter sits on the plate. His smug face is in the strike zone.

Not that Livan should hit it.

Well that pitch didn't look great coming out of Bon Jovi's hand, and Alex made him pay for it. Yikes.

Well, here we go. Alright Twins offense, don't be intimidated by Pettite's comically low brim on his hat


WV: This is the sort of game where you just cover your eyes and hope everything turns out ok. A lot like going to the cellar during a tornado warning.

RK: The Twins plan: give Pettite the early lead so he pitches lazy

WV: A real shame that there's no Joe Morgan to mock, lest this game lose all other forms of entertainment.

RK: Oh, Steve Phillips is guaranteed to say something stupid, and Orel will talk a lot about the grip on the ball


RK: l, I think you're on to something. Perhaps the ump should check the cleft for pine tar. It's funny because he was named in the Mitchell Report as a filthy dirty cheating McCheaterson

WV: But with Jesus Christ on his side, he's putting all the blame on Clemens.

RK: Clemens is like R. Kelly for white people!

WV: I bet Orel knows a thing or two about quick hips...

RK: And other such vagaries

WV: Seriously though, what the hell are they talking about? It stand to reason that the faster you can circuitously move your body the faster the bat will go.

RK: Right, but these are baseball experts. Max Weber thinks we should defer

WV: "But he's Derek Jeter, he'll play forever! Hit 4000 hits! Cure cancer!"

RK: I'm glad Orel can see the relationship between Bon Jovi and Silva

WV: Woohoo no runs given up!


RK: I wonder why toiletry companies are all robots and futuristic shit lately. Like the Gilette deodorant that's a multi-functional spy tool and the Degree that's tested by... robots? I love robots as much as the next guy, but this is deodorant we're talking about

WV: I guess....cuz....robots don't sweat? They could just as easily make a commercial with Joe Nathan.

RK: I'm sick of Morneau blooping everything to the opposite field. Put it over the baggie, my good man! I say that like it's that easy, but whatever. Goatee seems to be working for Cuddybear though

WV: And should he become less athletically-inclined one day, it will also do wonders for hiding his double chin.

RK: Or he'll use magic to make it disappear

WV: Can't say I blame Abreu for moving in---I'd instinctively do it everytime Dlmon swings the bat too.

RK: At least they got a run back


RK: I suppose there's worse things in the world than walking the best player in baseball

WV: Right, I was all for that move.

RK: Those announcers sure do crack themselves up

WV: They do. What's your take on Orel's coif? More Clay Aiken or Eli Manning?

RK: I think it's kind of O'Doyle rules

WV: Nice play to end the inning by Harris!


WV: RE: Chevy commercial. What do you think of the Silversun Pumpkins?

RK: I see what you did there

WV: Mike Macri, Matt Macri who's counting.

RK: I'm gonna go with Mark

WV: Gomez is good at looking totally bewildered after big plays.

RK: I keep thinking his eyes are trying to escape his skull

WV: Well, Sand Castle has gone and made himself a bonafide baseball player.

RK: When did this happen?

RK: As happy as I am the good guys tied it, I don't like how the M&M boys went down meekly


RK: Well, they showed the Walker Cherry Spoon, so it must be Minneapolis. Hell of an attempt by Casilla

RK: What was that throw from Cuddyer? That was weak!


RK: But I suppose he'll get more chances for assists now

WV: Livan isn't exactly into the fielding his own position mantra. Harris, however, is

RK: Timely double play and scoopage by Morneau save us there


RK: Twins fan giving devil horns? Please believe I like that

WV: Hell a few more pounds and Cuddy will be Leroy part deux.

RK: I believe in the Southern gentleman of leisure a little more than that now

WV: This game is going surprisingly quickly


WV: Good, our readers will be put out of their misery sooner.

RK: Now what kind of attitude is that?

WV: Positivity right...not positivism.

RK: Right, positivism is dead

WV: You see how Jeter blows bubbles while running the basepaths? That's how you win batting titles.

RK: wokka wokka

RK: "High school kids can't play in the big leagues" No shit, Steve

WV: Hmm, they sure missed on Mauer Pauer potential.

RK: So has 2008 thusfar!

WV: This seems like a slam dunk walk right

RK: Oh yeah, AR is getting an intentionally unintentional BB

WV: How many home grown players did the Mets bring up while Steve Phillips was GM? Hmmm? That's what I thought.

RK: Holy crap, Justin!

WV: He did a great job of trading away Scott Kazmir, however.

RK: The history of Steve Phillips is littered with gawdawful trades

WV: In Soviet Russia, player drafts you!

RK: Leadoff double doesn't score? Perhaps the stars are aligning

WV: Veteran guile, eh?



WV: Peter Gammons @ 2008 MLB Draft: Blah blah blah Red Sox blah blah blah Martha's Vineyard

RK: I think he should run for Senate if Kennedy is unable to continue in his Senatorial capacity... Mark/Mike/Matt/ Macri!

RK: I have never heard this much analysis about the baseball draft from anyone ever

WV: I suspect that Matt Macri is loaded with anagram potential.

RK: I'm waiting for our anagramming to get all meta when Ara Mang gets the call up


WV: Did you know that you could be wedgie free with Hanes?

RK: What does Cano have on this ump?

WV: Somebody go strand that guy on a desert island

RK: Good work, Dlmon

WV: Too bad you can't take a mulligan on front office deals

RK: And here we go again

WV: I'm feeling a double off of the baggie here.

RK: To be a contrarian, I'm feeling a feeble grounder to Casilla

WV: I really can't tell any difference defensively between Bumblebee Kubel and Dlmon in right field.

RK: Young just cannot make a catch look as routine as it is, can he?


RK: The best Kubel in the sea is the Kubel we call Bumblebee

WV: How many in-game updates can you possibly do for a 2-1 game? Oh it's the Red Sox. Check.

RK: The state of the Bos-Wash Sports Media Superstructure is strong

WV: Cuddy hit it too hard, gall darnit.

RK: I like to see him hitting it on the screws though

WV: This would be a good count for one of Monroe's moon shots... Yep, he thought so too

RK: Misplay be Jeter, but I bet we won't hear about that on Sports Center. Also, just saw a Mientkiewicz jersey

WV: Nice call Orel. "Because he didn't slide he was out". You still have to catch the ball right?

RK: I always thought so. I feel Dlmon's gonna strike out here

WV: But don't ask him to pull it--it might take away what makes him special as a hitter. Idiot.

RK: I understand the good point underneath all that, which is that hitting is a good thing period

WV and RK: Fuck Yeah!

RK: This is downright pleasant!

RK: Anonymous: the Yankees just look ugly because they don't have anybody to compare with Mauer

WV: The only logic I can see to bringing Bon Jovi back out with 101 pitches is the dim hope he'll tear a ligament in his elbow.


RK: Jesus Christ, they actually sent him back out there

WV: I'd say that losing Silva has been a negated positive with Bon Jovi and all.

RK: This has to be his last batter though... This almost makes me pine for Jacque Jones in left

WV: Indeed. Well, this was a misguided managerial decision. I'm not going to pin this one on Dlmon.

RK: True

WV: We could retrospectively apply that statement to choosing who tonight's starting pitcher would be.

RK: I think he's doing OK with what he's got

WV: And remember that loving is what I got.

RK: I don't cry when my dog runs away, I don't get angry when Reyes skips a pitch in the dirt walking Matsui and allowing the runner to advance


WV: Christ almighty, it wasn't close by a loooong shot

RK: Fuck buttons

WV: Well, Craig Ehlo will never get a foul called when taking Michael Jordan to the basket if you get my drift.

RK: That shit was just... irresponsible

WV: Hopefully the damage can be minimized.

WV: Guerrier, now that's how we pitch to Chad Moeller.

RK: Haha, amen. And for the record, Alex Rodriguez was out. And is a terrible person who has purple lips


WV: Maybe Sand Castle is due for one of his Tazmanian Devil home runs.

RK: Yeah, he needs to wind up and swivel his hips and squeeze his knuckles and whatever the hell else Phillips says you have to generate power

WV: Ha, right, create space between his shoulders and hips or some crazy thing.

RK: We could really use some Mauer Pauer right here


RK: Fuck me, I called the shot!

WV: Go buy a lottery ticket, STAT

RK: My lucky numbers are 1,2,3


WV: Pettitte is SO going to the HGH Mart when he gets back to the Bronx.

RK: I've been to that Bodega. You can buy it by the syringe

WV: If he had been tagged out a few inches closer to the bag he woulda been called safe.

RK: The home plate ump tried calling him safe

WV: "That's just good baseball by Cuddyer, but Jeter was right going for 2". Come the f. on, man. Seriously. Exit nose from anus.

RK: Yeah, isn't that a fallacy? A or B does not equal A and B?

WV: I do believe that Barthes put a forward slash between the words either and or..meaning mutual exclusivity

RK: Anyway, if that's true, there's a cat Schopenhauer wants you to answer a question about


WV: I was rather enjoying watching Pettitte get knocked around. Me and that grooved fastball were having a moment.

RK: 10 years ago I would have been afraid to see Farnsworth in there


RK: LNP was almost safe there

WV: I like his extracurricular activity too

RK: That's what you get when you put your foot square on the bag

WV: Dlmon huh

RK: Who's Kyle Farnsworth? Kyle Farnsworth ain't shit

WV: That's some real conversation for your ass.

RK: Well so much for that

WV: With all the stepping forward and backward Dlmon has advanced a total of 2 feet today.

RK: And to think that might have scored a run had Dlmon turned that double into a triple. True, Nibbish, the end result is all that matters

WV: Kyle Farnsworth sure is making me forget about Andy Pettitte in a hurry.

RK: Nice working of the count by the rookie. Well that was a weird partitive genitive there in that sentence

WV: Bring on Latroy Hawkins! I feel like that's the next logical move.

RK: Whoops, well, let's hope it doesn't get to that point

WV: My flawed memory recalls a couple of times Nathan has blown a save to the Yankees, so things have to even out right?

RK: Don't jinx it!


WV: Positive, not positivist, right

RK: *twitches nervously*

WV: Start pacing a little faster

RK: Exhale

WV: I don't want to jinx anything, but how come we always win when Bon Jovi pitches? Flies in the face of reason

RK: You almost feel bad for a guy like Perkins

WV: Yeah, or Blackburn

WV: And with a neigh and a snort, he routinely closes it out

RK: Right on!


RK: So the Twins came back 3 separate times, huh?

WV: They did--kudos to us for not prematurely pulling the blogging strike trigger.

RK: I had a feeling... of impending dread, but a feeling nonetheless

WV: It was more than a feeling. Anyways, I'll take a split. Half a game out of first with a series against the Bitch Sox looming next week.

RK: The Twins earn the split, but from what I can tell, the series was closer than that. Weird as it is to say, I'd say the Twins are playing far superior baseball to the Yankees

WV: I mean, we're winning with Bon Jovi for crissakes.

RK: Take what you can get. Let's get first place back.

WV: And hitters like Cuddyer and Young are getting on track.

RK: Good things going forward indeed

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