Friday, June 29, 2007


Chilling with Pedro

Hey everybody - I was all pumped to do this game tonight; so pumped out that I had to work out to get some energy released. And I screwed up my shoulder somehow. Anyway, I'm on my way to see a trainer to see if it's an injury or if I'm just indescribably weak. Consider this thread open. Typing with one hand is hard.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Middle Inning Crisis---Boof Go Buy Yourself A Motorcycle


Domestic tranquility was a priority up to this point, but now I'm firmly committed to ignoring Kevin Garnett news and being mesmerized by the Pear King's sweet inside-out stroke that hits singles to right field.

Hey, if the Pear King magically started hitting .300 like last season, it'd be similar to dumping Juan Castro onto Wayne Krivsky and the Reds and calling up the SS of the future....

I knew that Dick had a Minnesota map in the booth!!!! That quack is consistently spouting off geographic locations of obscure Minnesotan towns without ever referring to the trusty Rand McNally he has in front of him. Oh Dick..I'm onto you. You think that since you threw out the first pitch last night that you can eschew a sound knowledge of geography? Hmm?

Nice seeing Toby Gardenhire, though I hate to say that his perpetual near-Mendoza line batting average in the minors has him destined for manager-dom.

DEATH BY A THOUSAND SINGLES! Maybe Kubel can break the spell and drive one to the gap.

Well, now it's literally death by a thousand and 1 singles. Come on Cuddy, quit worrying about lung contusions and blow right through Zaun!


The irony of Treasure Island Senior Day is that EVERYDAY is Treasure Island Senior the casino. Why not go for some corporate synergy and just put a funeral home right in the darn place.

Would orthopedic surgeon specializing in hips have been a more sensitive suggestion?

Hell, both would be brilliant.


As the Twins offense falls quiet, how about a minor leauge update.

---Torrid's replacement, Denard Span, went 2 for 3 to inch his batting average near .250 in a Rochester win.

---'04 1st round pick Trevor Plouffe has 2 hits, including a triple, for AA New Britain to put his average at .286. Wannabe 3rd baseman of the future, Matt Moses, also has a couple of hits and is sitting at .400 in limited action since being demoted.

---The Rookie League Elizabethton Twins are the last unbeaten team in baseball but they're losing 6 to 3 tonight.


Hmm....inauspicious start to the inning with a double off the baggie. Lew, however, shows why he's more suitable, at the very least, in the field vis-a-vis Jason Tyner for his arm, which nearly threw Lind out at 2nd.

Sweet Mother of Martha, please don't come unglued here Boof. Don't you dare make me start quoting Nicleback and/or Linkin Park lyrics. We have standards around here Mr. Bonser.

You can go ahead and look surprised Vernon that the curve was called a strike, but you and I both know you got away with one right before that on the check swing.

6.91 ERA in the 5th Inning? Good God...Ramon Ortiz dresses up as Boof the 3rd time through the batting order!

OK Vernon, now you got away with 2. How much are you paying these umps? Why don't you shut up and sit down?

Alright, time to sit Boof Ortiz down. I'm in the mood for some Guerrierrrreatt! pitching.

Hey Bert, it's ok, I'll finish the bad pun for you: The reason Abner Doubleday wouldn't want to change the ground rule double is because his name isn't Abner Tripleday, am I right?. I bet that's where Bert was headed before Dick astutely noted that the fence hadn't been invented yet.

And furthermore, your life is incredibly dull, Dick, if not bringing that letter from some random know-it-all fan is the more traumatic thing that's recently transpired in your Rand McNally-supported existence.

This is all just projected frustration from our lead being cut to 1.


Anyone else nervous that Boof is still out there?

You know what Bert, I'd rather give up a solo homerun to Frank Fucking Thomas than a 2 run jack to Greg "I'm Closer To Social Security Benefits Than You Might Think" Zaun.

Then again, if Ramon Ortiz is warming up, you might as well leave Boof in. Do you want Thyphoid or Dysentary?

Remember how gnarly the Oregon Trail used to be?


Life would be so much sweeter if Nick Punto wasn't an automatic out. As it stands, he's a black whole threatening to swallow up our chances of tying this one up.

Say what you will about Cuddy at 1st, but he hasn't made 2 errors on one play like Matt Stairs has managed to do. As far as fielding goes, Matt the Cable Guy can't get 'er done.


We added on another run, but innings like this tend to be more frustrating than the Soprano's finale. close on the granny. Kubel.....could've tied it up. But, we're one run closer, hopefully we come through later.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Dear ESPN: This Whole "And Oh By The Way..." Meme Is SO Played Out


RK: That's really apropos nothing. It just really bothers me when Chris Berman, Chris Fowler, Steve Buccigross, Linda Cohen, John Anderson, Kenny Mayne, Steve Berthume, or Marty Funkhouser (OK, that's from a different show) say things like, "Frank Thomas is on a hot streak, and oh by the way, he's one home run away from 500," like they're throwing that little detail in just for you. Just stop it.

WV: Glad you've found a cause to champion. Who's pitching for us tonight?

RK: Rocket Bats

WV: Well, Rocket Bat's last start against the Mets was encouraging, but he seems to feed off of being on the next flight to Rochester so tonight may not be so successful.

RK: Worst case scenario is 7 ER over 4 IP.

WV: Maybe he'll turn the Boof corner and give up 4 ER through 5 IP

RK: All rights reserved on the term "turn the Boof corner"


WV: You know, we should consider slapping a trademark down on "Pulling A Blyleven." A false air of importance is my forte.

RK: What's the process there?

WV: Apparently it takes six months and lots of paperwork.

RK: Heh, legal zoom. I still can't believe that we were almost lawyers once upon a time

WV: Me either. Imagine how filthy rich we'd already be.

RK: ... Or how few people would retain us

WV: Instead I did a liberal arts education and all I got was this damn blog.

RK: I got a headache from mine.

WV: I hear that.

RK: Hey, Dick threw out the first ball! FROM THE MOUND. Oh dear, Dick is a Huskie? We politely snickered at St. Cloud State at St. John's. I'm only kidding of course.

WV: My heavens, a 1-2-3 inning

RK: Why I do declare! I'm getting the vapors; retrieve the smelling salts!


WV: On my Xbox game the pitcher wouldn't have been able to do that. See See isn't pitching, right?

RK: I don't know QTF is going on.


RK: Scalooze: consider our interest piqued

WV: Funny, David Ortiz doesn't play 1st base....

RK: No more or less than Leroy's a catcher

WV: If the Big Hurt can't hurt Scott Baker, his 500th home run is going against fate.

RK: That 0-2 was probably a strike

WV: Very likely.

RK: But what do we know?

WV: St. Johns and Carleton would say that we know a little about everything.

RK: And soon, Stanford and Virginia Tech will say that we know a lot about one thing

WV: What I do know is that Scott Baker's pitching uncharacteristically

RK: I concur, doctor.

WV: Even my flippant self has nothing to say.


RK: Marcum is on pace to throw a 23 pitch shutout

WV: Too bad all of our hitters have turned into Jason Kubel, what with hard line drives hit right at people.

RK: Sometimes I forget that Kubel uses Rage Against the Machine for his intro music. Makes me grin a little bit, but we'll see how Ernesto Zapata does


RK: Hahaha, I have a sudden urge to move to Chiapas and play bongos with Subcommandante Marcos


RK: I say we start a Rondell White All-Star campaign. We can say that he hasn't made an error or struck out in months!

WV: Tonight we should call Baker Rocket Pitches

RK: I'm about to start calling him a baseball player

WV: Stacey, viva indeed. We like to think that we bring the revolution with us wherever we go.


RK: What do you think Redmond's middle name is? My guess is Jeffrey

WV: Apparently Grand Forks both misses Marney and is ass ugly

RK: That wasn't weird at all. That'd be like me going to the cities and saying I miss Amy Hockert. Because I do. Rawr.

WV: My guess is Joseph, and Amy Hockert is the most attractive thing Fargo has ever produced, next to us of course.

RK: Oh, the teenaged years.

WV: So Castillo got his hand stepped on, I got a hangnail earlier today. We all have our crosses to bear.

RK: I got a little sunburned.


WV: Wow, Rios' at-bat lasted about as long as Reel Big Fish's notoriety.

RK: Stacey informs us that Michael Redmond's middle name is "Patrick." I don't know why I put that in quotation marks

WV: And he's buuuuuyyying the Stairsway to the du...uh...gout..

RK: Man, Baker's pitching like a pitcher!

RK: Here's something I want everybody's opinion on: what should we call Toronto residents? I like Torontulas. Loyal PAB friend TL suggests Torontards

WV: Torontulas gets my vote

RK: Forget turning the Boof corner, he's turning the Warren Spahn corner.


WV: It sure would be nice if someone other than Scott Baker would give us something to write about.

RK: Yeah, I've been uh, staring at an empty bottle of V8 fusion for a couple minutes now


WV: Dick and Fox Sports North do want the Twins to score more runs than the Blue Jays right?

RK: I do believe that's in his contract

WV: This Frank Thomas hysteria is bordering on Salem.

RK: Here's where Bert would make a Tituba joke. Stacey and Jensen; yes I read Deadspin, and all of Gawker media (even Fleshbot!) I'll most likely be in MN sometime in August, as will WV, so if the stars align, that sounds fantastic. Pregame at... someone's place!

WV: Yeah, and postgame puking in a Cedar-Riverside gutter

RK: Those 2 guys who high-fived after Baker's last strike out can't believe how well the shrooms they took before the game have altered their perception of Rocket Bats' throwing ability


WV: It's a very real possibility the Jays have 12 men on the field

RK: In the metric system it evens out

WV: And if not there, then in the dewey decimal system

RK: Scalooze, I been popular all my life. In my head. To the animal kingdom. And with that, I'm off to see Ocean's 13! AVANT!


RK is at a cinematic screening, otherwise known as a flick, so you're stuck with me. And like Sonny without Cher, the results will be mixed and the ending might be abrupt.

Even when Baker has gotten into trouble tonight he has stayed tough, channeling the New Kids On the Block, and gotten through without any damage. This might be a new era in the saga of Rocket Bats.


While Scott Baker continues to be Johan Santana and the Twins' offense is dominated by the Lord of Assbats, Marcum, I'll put in my good wishes for Eyre'n Go Bragh!, who making a spot start for Texas, got nailed in the arm.

I suspect that Scott Ulger only communicates in real life, in addition to baseball, through signs. It must make drive-thrus terribly difficult to manage.

No Bert, I don't think the left fielder "stayed back" on Torii's bullet single. I think he cowered in fear and luckily got the ball in his mitt as he fell backwards.

Hey Marcum, nice shutout.............For Jason Kubel to poop on!!!


At the time, I felt bad thinking it, but now "Take Baker Out Before He Blows It" seems like foreshadowing.

Really, Scott Ulger stepping in as manager made me more nervous than Rocket Bats staying on the mound, to be totally honest.

Even in a situation like this, I thank Toronto for giving us an out. Hopefully Death Metal can come in now and hold the runners.

Thinking back on it, having either Cuddy or Sampler Plate Reyes field that bunt is the more anxiety-ridden situation of them all.

Hey Rocket shutout...for on.


This is about as dull as an autobiography of my great uncle. In any case, I gotta jet, but with the Sonny Bono comment earlier I warned ya.


Monday, June 25, 2007


Halladay In The Sun


RK: All we can do is hope Kool Slow D brings his A game tonight

WV:Indeed, pull a veritable Liriano, without the Tommy John surgery.

RK: Even though we didn't go 16 and 2 against the NL this year, we're still equal with last season's record through 73 games.

WV: Which isn't necessarily something to hang our hat on, but it's a good perspective
and there isn't a daunting breakaway team like last years Tigres

RK: It doesn't seem that way.

RK: Well, Clevelandia is down, and so are Los Tigres

WV: So in other words, this could be an excellent opportunity to make up lost ground.

WV: Hopefully, we don't go the way of Chicago Hope vis-a-vis ER

RK: Help us Obi Wan Slowey; you're our only hope

RK: And I promise I'll never say that again

WV: In 5 seconds, that assertion will be published and forever etched in cyber-stone.

RK: My life is an open book

WV: That must be ripped straight from a Jewel album liner.

WV: Or Pink, if you want to be all contemporary and shit.

RK: Up yours, Kurt Loder!

WV: Heh heh said Loder.

RK: Oh my god, we're a post-modern Beavis and Butthead. Which is awesome


RK: Suppose Slowey could ask Wells for a time machine?

WV: No worries, Matt Stairs and Frank Thomas are due up

RK: Infielders can probably... take a step or two back, huh?

WV: Gosh, for all the hubbub you'd think it was Cirillo's first time ever wearing a baseball glove.

RK: He usually just plays barehanded

WV: Wow, really blew that 89 mph fastball right by Stairs

RK: Matt the Cable Guy definitely didn't get 'er done.

RK: This awarding a base thing kinda gives me the red ass

WV: Right, rewarding the opposing team for the defense making a great play.

RK: I mean, runner can advance at his own peril, right? What's wrong with that?

WV: Right, maybe they could make a new rule that if the offense hits an inside the parker they automatically get 1 out.

RK: Honestly, the more I think about it, the more this rule is a crouton on my anger salad

BOTTOM 1ST, Game Tied At 0

WV: Dubious start.

RK: Hey, it's Roy Freakin' Halladay

WV: Lew's like the running back who fumbles a lot and has to carry the ball all week during class. Except, Lew's holding a bat in the dugout because of his feeble hitting. Yeah.

RK: We'll uh, send that back to the Apt Metaphor Department to see what we can do with that


WV: Scalooze: We ought to praise you for nursing a hangover all day on a Monday

WV: No joke, Frank Thomas perpetually shares the same grimace my Grandmother does when her dog pisses on the carpet.

RK: He might look more like Shrek than David Ortiz

WV: And similarly, he refuses to go away.

RK: Christ on a bike, Dick really wants Thomas to hit his 500th HR

WV: And he wants to misrepresent Bert's fastball velocity

RK: My 2-seamer is 119

RK: kilometers an hour

WV: Nice-I guarantee that you extemporaneously commenting on your hypothetical pitching repertoire is infinitely more entertaining than Live Free or Die Hard

RK: Here's my idea, movie studios - make a new movie! And quit messing with the numbering system! It should be Die Hard 4.

RK: Harrumph

WV: Hey, Bruce Willis just needs continued relevance so he can keep partying with P. Diddy every 4 years.


RK: I have a feeling they're gonna go to Marney Gellner a lot during this game if it continues thusly

WV: By the 13th time the topic will be her recent midnight trip to Walgreens to buy Preparation H

RK: I'm pretty sure the mission statement of that store is: We have all the shit you don't think of getting until you need it

RK: Also, cola flavored gummi treats

WV: Yeah, run this guy's pitch count up, I'm all for that.

WV: He's picked off..err, on 2nd.

RK: Wow

WV: Why don't more people try that?

RK: Because it's insane

WV: Scott Ulger is pleased as punch he won't have to make a decision about waving Hunter home

WV: That said, he still considers it.

RK: He could just be getting lonely; he might not have much company there tonight

RK: Yahtzee!

WV: Dick doesn't get it does he? Redmond's RBI wouldn't be a turf hit right, the bounce probably comes from the Metrodome concrete underlying it all...not dirt like at a normal place.

WV: I'm nitpicking.

RK: Don't obsess - the last thing we want is for you to have Dick on your shirt


WV: We might have something with this Slowey guy.

RK: I like him. I like the cut of his jib

WV: Hey Cirillo, nice catch......for me to poop on.

RK: Shake it off, Slowey

RK: Well there it is

WV: He hit the ball a long ways, but it's not like Slowey left it up and over the plate. Wells, I hear, is a decent hitter.

WV: Ok, that one was Kool Slow D's fault.

WV: I think Kubel and I have about the same vertical leap

RK: Yeah, and how'd the NFL combine go for you guys?

WV: I passed the Wonderlick with flying colors. I'm a character-type, the alpha to Tank Johnson's omega.

RK: And the inning is mercifully over


RK: Nick Punto with the five iron puts it onto the green

WV: I wonder if the Twins scouting report has something on Greg Zaun's arm.

RK: I wonder if there's a 35lb weight attached to Zaun's arm

WV: You don't see Castillo strike out two consecutive at bats that often

RK: Good point, but here's a stat for you: I have never once struck out against Roy Halladay

RK: And that's going on the resume

WV: We're so fortunate that Nick Punto stole 2nd.

RK: We need Global Warming to fix this problem

WV: Well shit.

RK: MAUER PA...fuck.

WV: Scoring on Halladay is harder than MIchael Jackson at Disneyland. Too easy?

RK: Little bit


RK: So far, Kool Slow D has acquitted himself nicely. Coupla gopher balls, but this isn't a Bakeresque meltdown

WV: So the other day...and this will say something about me...I absentmindedly tried to make an anagram out of Kevin Slowey without exploiting an anagram creator. Couldn't do it

WV: No, if he can hold this a few more innings it will be more than respectable


WV: Orion the Centerfielder has pretty much priced himself out of everyone but New York and Boston's market at this point.

RK: I bet he ends up in Beantown

WV: Man, Kubel must've had Lasik done over the weekend.

RK: He borrowed Dougie Stretch's eyes - he's not using them right now

RK: Let me be perfectly clear: I like Mike Redmond a lot. That was a good hit. He is a good baseball player.

WV: Perhaps even the heart and soul of the team. But definitely not the legs.


RK: It's funny, because everybody knows Bert's cheating with the Aflac trivia questions, and I dig his feigned indignance

RK: Reminds me of me when I lie. Pathologically

WV: Feigned indignance is how I'm going to pass my dissertation defense.

RK: I'm gonna do the eye-roll and say "tcha" a lot

WV: Well, it's been pleasant watching Vernon Hafner beat the hell out of us tonight.

RK: His middle name is Thome

WV: And then there was Juan Rincon. It just keeps getting better.

RK: You know how when you're flirting really successfully with a woman and then you feel it start to slip away?

WV: Yeah, it's especially damning when you're as supercilious as we are.

RK: This game is doing that

WV: OK then, we just gotta get them drunk enough that they start to find us funny.

RK: Surely our readers understand our ethos

RK: Hahaha, OK, that was just funny

RK: Cuddy's lackadaisacal throw turned into a game of human croquet

WV: Wow, I think the entire 40-man roster dove for that one.


RK: "Where am I? There I am." That's Bert on so many levels

WV: You'd think that TWO rookies were pitching tonight, not a former Cy Young winner.

RK: Halladay's booting that thing around like Eric Wynalda

WV: Brilliant.

RK: Greg Zaun has pretty much mailed it in.

WV: Pretty soon he'll earn his Molina merit badge

WV: Wild pitch, HOLY HELL

RK: Good result, but in re: Castillo. Oh shit.

WV: Looks like it's his wrist

WV: Or, got spiked

RK: But it looks like he stepped on his hand, so that's encouraging

WV: So, the seesaw swings back the other way.

WV: Barking mad, I tell ya.

RK: Let's hope for a dinger here. I don't want to just tie it up

RK: Especially if Joowan makes an appearance

RK: Maybe Halladay's going through a mid-career slump. Kinda like Trent Reznor a few years ago

WV: Definitely. Similar to what the Sex Pistols once said, a cheap Halladay in other people's misery!

RK: And also, as Johnny Rotten once said: "Graaaah drugs and booze!"


RK: I'd like to be pleasantly surprised by Joowan tonight

RK: Not a bad way to start

WV: Whoa, look at Joowan putting those hacky sack skills to use.

WV: I would've pulled a jester.

RK: I've started playing again. First time I tried an around-the-world jester I got my legs tangled up and bruised my ass. Aging sucks.

WV: The metabolism, unfortunately, isn't the only thing that goes.


WV: Maybe Morneau will make a ceremonious appearance like in the movie The Natural and belt one to win it.

WV: Or maybe not. He's no Robert Redford.

RK: But unlike The Natural, let's hope he doesn't have to die afterward

RK: So. The 7th. Inning.

WV: Yep...a little Paul Molitor action I see.

RK: We can always use a little of that

WV: When did Matt Guerrier develop such a nasty breaking ball?

RK: When he learned to shave the goatee

WV: We all go through that stage, but not all of us develop a nasty breaking ball

RK: I know, right? Everybody, their sophomore year of college, decides that growing a goatee is what they need to do for a fulfilling life

RK: And it's never a good idea


That's not Guerriereat!


Halladay might get his 9th win tonight but I'll be dammed if he deserves it.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


The Twins Are 38-0 When Scoring More Runs Than Their Opponents

When the stats speak for themselves, who needs to be intelligent and witty. With that in mind, here are some ideas:

1. Start Johan At DH

Hey, I don't see Little Nicky blasting triples OR hitting .286. This move might be the best kind of change-up Santana could make.

2. Move To The National League

Granted, our owner isn't related to the Commish so pulling a Brewers might not be so simple. But tough to argue with going 16-2 last season and 11-7 this year against the senior circuit. Plus, the NL Central is the new AL Central. And moreover, Scott Baker's ERA could certainly benefit from facing the pitcher every 9 at bats. Maybe I should've checked Kyle Lohse's Reds' stats before writing that.

3. Pull Lew Ford's Quadracep

Apparently, repeated leg exercises and magical Japanese leg wraps not only help your quads but create a power swing as well. Best of all, the month long absence would keep Loooooo's (He'll be back to being called Lewwwww when the boo birds fly south) feeble bat out of the line-up.

4. Pillage The Florda Marlins' Roster

That Luis Castillo trade sure is looking good for us, as Travis Bowyer proceeded to put up a 5.57 ERA last year for the Marlins in AAA and then pulled a Jesse Crain and had rotator cuff surgery. Then there's the Mike Redmond signing. All these signs point to a potential trade of Aaron Boone seeming beneficial for our side, right?

5. Pile Up Lung Contusions and Ejections

Who would've thought that losing the MVP and your #3 hitter would rally the offense into scoring 11 runs one night and 7 the next? Scotty Ulger, I knew all along that there was strategy behind your irresponsible waving of runners home from third.

So there you go, 5 keys to success if you're Terry Ryan. Hey, in a small market, you need all the help you can get, even if it comes from quacks like us.


Friday, June 22, 2007


Yeah Well, Our Football Stadium Is Better Than Yours!

Ladies and gents, domestic tranquility beckons for me and social uprootedness beckons for RK. Consequently, we won't be around on this, the 2nd day of summer, but if you are, feel free to leave comments, complaints, thinly veiled threats and effusive compliments in the comments or chatbox.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007


What A 120 Million Dollar Payroll Won't Buy You


RK: How fucking beautiful is it that the white sox are ten games under 500?

WV: Man that brings a tear to my eyes

WV: Being blacked out and without cable, it's ironic seeing pop ups on the tv advertising HD when I'm watching a scrambled picture. It's like I'm 13 again trying to get a clear view of the Spice Network.

RK: haha, and those golden precious few times when it would come in just fine for like 20 minutes

WV: It took lots of all nighters to stumble across that gem.

WV: What's your take on this Johan Santana shutout and Bert shaving his head business?

RK: Like bon Jovi, he apparently won't make promises he can't keep. And as a guy who's shaved his head before, I can say that it feels kinda nice when a breeze comes up. Everybody wins here

WV: Except for us, who as victims of male pattern baldness, we secretly loathe his ability to shave his head.

RK: That's why I shaved my head in the first place. See how I'm gonna look when I'm 34

WV: So will Rocket Bats earn his keep tonight or is it to Rochester with him? He seems to do well against New York professional baseball teams.

RK: I'm torn. I want to win every day, of course, but I'm kinda sick of Rocket Bats doing well every 4th start to keep a spot up here. Give me a new young arm, says I. Scott Baker, I'm breaking up with you


WV: Double your freshness, double your fun. When you're Luis Castillo, you can barely run!

RK: Has nobody noticed that Luis is faking it? I mean, he has great range at second and can fly for an infield hit. He's a snake in the grass

WV: Really pleasant how Cuddy goes around on a ball that bounced before it got to home plate

RK: He likes getting the two strike hits

WV: Nothing wrong with a 45-pitch walk.

RK: It's an improvement over the Pierzynski-patented 45 pitch foulout

WV: Seeing Shea Stadium serves only to remind me of how miserable it is to drive to La Guardia

RK: Hold your tongue. I drove to JFK from Newark at 5:00 once

WV: You are the Steve Irwin of airport navigation.

RK: But... I'm still alive. Unlike Torii Hunter's at bat


RK: Oh yes Stacey, I'm getting weird wide screen format

WV: The Paul Lo Duca bobblehead has an adjustable catchers mask---sheer brilliance.

RK: Oh yeah, does it come with an electric current to bring the monster to life?

WV: No, but Scott Baker's pitching does.

RK: Let's not act surprised here

WV: Aaaaaannnnd...there's a run.

WV: Look at Lo Duca, he runs like a Welshman.

RK: And so it goes

WV: You could throw out a stat that says Baker has given up a 1st inning run in 11 of his last 15 starts; or you could just say that "Scott Baker gives up 1st inning runs". Like, "plants conduct photosynthesis".


"Rangers' Owner Suspects Juan Gonzales Used Steroids"---Seriously, why is this news to anybody? And this from the same guy who now employs SAMMY SOSA.

Great at-bat for Lew Ford, seems like if the hitters can wait out Perez he might have control problems.

A statistical curiosity, in interleague play the AL pitchers have a higher batting average than the NL ones...but they're still only hitting .186. And, Scott Baker continues his self-destructive ways. Get this guy on the Dr. Phil show.


As goes with Rocket Bats, no news is good news.

Stacy: I assume you're torn between the Twins and the College World Series..not Chicago White Sox. Oh that's right, they already lost today. You're safe.

Our Justin Morneau, who art in Shea Stadium, hallowed be thy name. Thy triple come, thy will be done, on offense as it is on defense.


Errant throw on the double play! That's a bad Castillo! Go to your corner. Seriously, no need to rush it when the Running Welshman is chugging up the line.

BTW, what's the rule for running outside of the base path to avoid a tag? At 1st can you do that? Because Lo Duca was clearly outside of the white chalk line. This also, coincidentally, demonstrates my ignorance of MLB ground rules.

Wouldn't it be pleasant if Baker's breaking pitches broke?

Anyways, an error and non-call on a close 2 strike pitch to Beltran and now the tie is broken and Delgado is up with 2 men on. But, miraculously he gets out of it.


Mets payroll: 120,000,000 Wins: 38 Dollars per Win: 3.15 Million
Twins payroll: 70,000,000 Wins: 36 Dollars per Win: 1.94 Million

Something to think about.

I imagine that you don't mind walking Lew Ford when you've got two black holes coming up behind him in Nick Punto and the pitcher.



Scalooze: I hope Perez keeps walking people, and more importantly, I hope we eventually take advantage of it.

And right as we're mentioning it, Mauer walks.

Usually when someone steals a base, the runner slides into the guy catching it. In this case, Valentin decided to take out Mauer's legs before he could get there. Interesting strategy in the Big Apple.

Unfotunately, it appears that we're going to continue rewarding Perez for walking batters. All sorts of backwards in this ballgame.

The baseballs must be impregnated with Mexican jumping beans because nothing wants to go forward, only up and behind home plate.

WHAMMY! Hail Torii, full of grace, the homerun God is with thee. Blessed be thou amongst outfielders, and blessed is the fruit of thy bat, the long ball.

Lo Duca is a perfect player for the Big Apple, he just looks like he'd be a foul-mouthed prick running a deli in Brooklyn.


t-1000: Baker does look very clean, a lot like a 10 year old Boy Scout. And you know what? I got a merit badge for him if he can keep his ERA under 7.00, a feat he accomplished after last inning.

Now that, Rocket Bats, is a slider that slides. Nice strike out of Joseph Kings.

Lew, borrowing Rondell's hoverboard, speeds to the corner to catch Lo Duca's liner to left field.

And there we go--Baker is one step closer to that merit badge I promised.


LEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! Patience at the plate.....waiting for the right pitch....Lew, what have you done with your former self? Perhaps Terry Ryan has consulted Steve Jobs in the programming code for the LFE.

In all the excitement of Dazzle nearly catching a foul ball, Gordo and his partner in crime totally forget to relay Ford's double. It's all good--I've got SNY's scrambled tv feed to get me through.

Looks like Rocket Bat's evening is over, with Reyes warming up and a pinch hitter on deck. What do you say guys, did he earn another start?

Oh no, Joe Smith is in---we're going to get 8 points, 6 rebounds and lose 4 first round draft picks! Oh.

Mike Redmond--ice.

This half inning has been a brilliant display of managerial strategic maneuvering: Redmond pinch hits for the pitcher, gets a hit. Tyner pinch runs, get a steal. The heightened situational decision-making is really something working for the senior circuit's favor, with no DH and all.

MAUER PAUER! MAUER PAUER! MAUER PAUER! This folks is why everyone booed when Schoenweis entered the game. Boy, I wonder how they'd treat Rocket Bats if he pitched for them.


A real shame that neither Washington nor Philadelphia is helping us out in the standings this evening. For the moment, we remain 5.5 out of the division.

Might we be seeing a return of the '06 Dennys Sampler Plate?

Guerrier, that slider was downright nasty. Totally disgusting.


Things that are as worthwhile as Paul Lo Duca faking a bunt:

1. Wisdom teeth
2. Hurricane insurance in Yemen
3. MLB TV's blackout policy
4. Parsley


Just as I'm thinking to myself, "I bet Glen Perkins would come in handy here with 3 lefties in a row against Neshek", Morneau reminds us all why his defense deserves mention in the "MVP" debate.


Mets' 1st Base Coach Howard Johnson is having none of the ump's belief that Morneau didn't get pulled off the bag; Johnson angerly proclaims that the ump will never stay at one of his hotels again.

Does anyone else feel like the Twins would be in 1st place in a lot of other divisions? The Metropolitans haven't really impressed me this series; we just played the Braves pretty competitively. Blast our good competition from Motown and Cleveland.


Baker evens his season record at .500 and likely earned himself another start. The Twins in addition start a difficult road trip out on the right foot by taking 2 of 3 from a pretty decent ballclub to improve to 9 and 6 in interleague play. Really, our major loss this week in New York was Bert's hair.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Mea Culpa


Well hey everybody, my fault I'm late, but I was participating in a table tennis tournament. I love table tennis. Believe it. I don't think WV will be joining us tonight because he's blacked out, and it's tough to do this without being able to see the game. Remember when we did the first few games on radio broadcast? Pretty rough stuff.

Anyway, I certainly don't mind stumbling into the game when the Twins are up 7-0. Here's that run support, JoJo.


Holy smokes, I thought LoDuca hit that one out the park. Frankenstein's monster apparently just doesn't have the juice though.

Wow, Johan hasn't struck anybody out yet?

Sometimes I think it's amusing that people marvel at the fielding prowess of the team. I mean, you're supposed to field that ball cleanly when you've got the shift on, right? Like basketball, people freak out when somebody makes a majority of their free throws... well, aren't you supposed to make them?


Hi Jason bye Jason

I feel like Santana is due to rip a double down the line. Holy crap, I was right. I love it when I'm right.

Well, looking at the NYM E column, maybe I undersetand fawning over apt fielding.

Castillo's a "free spirit?" The "kid who never grew up?" Where are you getting this stuff announcerman? Why is there any reason to believe this is true? Here, I can play that game too:

These announcers are "cross-dressers," "eat cereal with a fork," and "have unsightly Michael Douglas-esque jowels."

Feel free to add your own, dear readers.

I have nothing against David Wright; his younger brother attends Virginia Tech, my friend PF has an enormous crush on him (maybe even bigger than Sister Jensen's crush on the King of Pears, believe it!), but I am so glad he made that error.

Torii just missed that one. What's wrong with these Mets fans? They're giving a Bronx cheer like they're Yankee fans. I like Mets fans because they're not Yankee fans. So stop it.


The fightins' are trying to hold off Clevelandia.

Easley bloops one in, but I believe in the ability for Johan to induce a double play. Or not, but still a solid play to get the first out. Now a strikeout is in order, Mr. Presidente.

It's funny, because the announcers said that Gomez fouled off that changeup. But it looked like instead it went cleanly into Joe's glove. Apparently, the changeup fools more than the batter. It also fools cross-dressing bejowled New Yorkers.

Still no K's, but I'm OK with that if he can go the distance. He has quite an impressive economy of pitches as other, more astute readers have noted. Makes you wonder why I'm here. Huh.


Someone here needs to get on base so we can... wait for it... here comes my old school baseball knowledge... TURN THE LINEUP OVER.

I understand that historically the Twins aren't a home run hitting team, but honestly, Mauer, Cuddy, Morneau, and Hunter? Doesn't that count for anything? The way they make it sound you'd think every other team is stocked with 30-HR caliber hitters.

"The one pitcher they miss is Liriano." Incisive.

Jensen, you wanna handle Bartlett falling down like that? I got nothing.


What the - is Shea Stadium playing Herbie Hancock over the broadcast PA?

Sister Jensen has some inside information that Bert may be shaving his head if Santana pitches a shutout. 59 pitches in 6 innings? He'll be alright. He's mowing them down so fast I don't have time to say anything.


WV: Santana might be an improvement at DH over Tyner.

RK: An interesting proposition.

It is not the King of the Castle's night. I'd like to see some power from Joe here. Y'know how it is.

Well... that inning was... quick.


Nibbish, I sure miss Terry Mulholland. The rubber arm, the gray beard, I liked it all. Oh yeah, and his contract for a dollar. I'll pitch for a dollar too. In case you're reading this, TR.

Whatever voodoo is keeping these balls in the yard is amazing. They should make more of that.

JB, you can fall on your ass all you like, but if you snag those liners, I'll always love you.

One of my former students is from Venezuela (he now plays basketball for Marquette - so I have to root for Marquette), and he loves Santana, but didn't know that he was from Tovar. He thought it was crazy, being from Caracas, that anybody even thought to look in Tovar for a baseball player. The end.


2 quick outs, but I got a good feeling from Sinn Fein.


1. Fair enough
2. Stop talking dirty
3. I can taste it
4. OK, I think we disagree on this one happening

Begrudgingly, a good play by Reyes.

Liquid Metal, I'm fine with that. As long as Baker's 500 innings are in Rochester.


OK, Santana needs at least one strikeout here.

I don't know how many consecutive games Santana's had at least one, but I'm going to hazard a guess that it's as long as his major league career has been.

Abuelo Franco is up. He might be in my top 50 favorite baseball players of all time. He's been playing longer than I've been alive for God's sake.

OK, he'll have to get that K in the ninth.


Yes, who is carrying Marco Scutaro's bat? Sounds like a title for one of those old timey detective radio shows.

Wow, I did not know that the Twins have the most productive outs in the league. I'm... going to believe that without independently verifying that.

Almost a pity Santana didn't do this at home when he wouldn't need to pitch the 9th. Then an 81-pitch CG shutout would look sterling, and would look nice to Silva's 78-pitch effort.


DrJubal has noted an extreme lapse of my... brain. Of course you have to pitch 9 innings! I just, well, y'know, am a fraud (posing as an academic), and it totally made sense at the time I wrote it. I can only take solace in that nobody comes here and reads this to get smarter. Keen eye, Herr Doktor.


But that said, I can't get over how Santana looks up there with a bat. Good level swing, nice follow through.


Yeah, good work announcermans: Castillo indeed did see the ball 25 feet to his left and though he probably wasn't going to get that. God, these guys are almost worse than Michael Kay. Almost. Nobody, but nobody is as bad as the Hawk however.

Whew, got that K.

Stacey, good point. I could see Neshek taking a running start at the ball. Highly against the rules, but I just don't think he could help himself.

Nice work by Santana and Morneau! I bet we hear how they play the game the right way right about now. Probably 9 times or so.

And it's done!


Let's see if Bert shaves his head, but I don't care about that, let's talk about the tragic irony of Johan this season. When he gives a solid effort (i.e., every time he takes the mound), and gives up 2 ER, we can't score. When the bats come to life, and he doesn't have his best stuff, he throws a CG.

That said, I really don't know the definition of irony - WV's the literature scholar, and he eats that shit up. Anyway, it's strange. Now they come tomorrow to take the series. I feel good about this.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


Slowey Gin Fizz


Minneapolis, MN and Slowey gin fizz, if that aint love then tell me what is.


We haven't been swept by the Brewers since 1988, but don't tell that to Kevy because he's pitching like he's in Rochester.


Hell, don't tell that to the Twins hitters either, who are batting in runs like they're.....professional baseball players.


What is it about Justincredible that makes you want to stomp on his foot when you get thrown out at first? I know--he's wearing Axe body spray.

Scalooze: Gin does have a tendency to taste like pine needles, but sloe gin is indeed scrumptuous.

If Gardy starts threatening the Pear King by saying he's not a team player, will he magically hit .300 again?

Apparently Sinn Fein is ok, so I am too.

Thank Goodness we're losing the DH for the next round of interleague games. I just don't know what I would do without Tyner in the line-up. I think the pitchers would be an improvement anyways.

Castillo grounds into inning-ending double play, and like walking without a limp, I'm sure that's a rarity for him.


I'm not buying into the Prince Fielder has lots of potential theory. The only thing he has potential for is growth; I mean, Hrbeck was skinny his first couple years in the league, then he filled out later. When Prince fills out they'll need to cart him around on a forklift.

Like Bert, I'd love to compare Slowey and Baker's pitching approach when they're in trouble; but I've never really seen Baker not in trouble so it's hard to find a control for the experiment.

Kevin Slowey---more efficient than the Japanese economy.


Happy Father's Day to everyone--don't forget to call your Pops.

Mauer is such a great catcher that he even catches the ball when he's hitting. What can't this guy do?

Back to back singles! Joe---if I ever make a McGyver movie adaptation, Richard Dean Anderson is out of a job.

The Toyota Trivia question, on which Father/Son duo has the most home runs, has to be the Griffeys right? I'm not sure, Bert, the Fielders are it....with Prince being in his 2nd year and all.

Being back in the Metrodome, Suppan is confusedly pitching like he's still with the Royals. I'm fine with it.

After nearly being decapitated by the MVP's scalding line drive double that scored Mauer, Corey Hart will need to be tested for post-traumatic stress syndrome after the game.

LFE: Fully charged on Sundays.


THE LFE DRIVES IN MORNEAU AND MAUER---DEJA VU AT ITS BEST. Like the 6 Million Dollar Man, Lew Ford the clumsy weak hitter can be resuscitated as the Lew Ford Experiment to drive in 4 runs, doubling his season total.

PAB Readers: I congratulate each and everyone one of you here for spurning your fathers to spend the afternoon with us.

At this point, the Twins are like a devlish cat jabbing its claw at an injured bird before eventually doing away with it. The Brewers have seen 4 Lew Ford RBIs, a Jason Tyner suicide squeeze and then a Jason Tyner steal, amongst other things. And now Jeff Cirillo drove Tyner in---this is what we could call begging to be back in Little League with its Mercy Rule.

This is God's way of punishing Suppan for turning one good World Series performance into a nice contract, despite his overwhelming mediocrity the rest of his career.


While the 2 run shot by Graffanino wasn't ideal, I appreciate Gardy letting Slowey try to work through the inning. Hopefully Guerrireat! can get him out of hot water.

For those of you into the minors..that is, the minor leagues, Rochester is currently batting around Everyday Eddie to the tune of 2 earned runs, 3 hits and a walk in .1 inning of work. Presumably, Guardado is making an injury rehab assignment. Also, Alexi Sandcastle Casilla has gone 4 for 5 to up his average to .291.

And as usual, Matty enters the game and is Guerriereat!


Seeing the 6 for 5 Game Pack promotion, I'm trying to remember my own 'special' memories attending Twins games as a kid, and my memory is showing me lots of Ron Kittle homeruns.

I'm a little concerned about the full-body twist this ump does on every called 3rd strike, like he's going to get a herniated disk or something.

"Tempting fate by walking Morneau to get to Lew Ford"? Dick? Don't be such a homer.

And the LFE fails to deliver. Dick, consider fate tempted.


Matt Guerrier and relief pitching go together like My Chemical Romance and mascara.


4 run's still good, it's still good.

A 2 run's sort of good, it's sort of good.

Sigh. You know, Corey Hart could tour with the Allman Brothers in the offseason if he wanted to.

Not coincidentally, Rincon and Guardado had similar outings today. Juan Rincon for a random Cincinnatti Red anyone?

Rincon is just upset that his newborn only gave him spit-up and a ridiculously early wake-up call for Father's Day.

Similar to a hangover, Rincon just needed to vomit out a few runs to calm his system down. Joe Nathan, if he's a stat eagle, pats himself on the back for the sudden save opportunity.


Pray for mo-Joe.

Prince Fielder will never, ever have an inside the park homerun again. In fact, this is like if an earthquake leveled Fargo.

The Lew Ford Experiment is definitely not programmed to distinguish baseball from teflon.

Lew's eyes are simply shot from staring at a computer screen playing Counterstrike all night during his injury rehab. Anyone else miss Torii Hunter?

Is this really happening? There are so many ominous signs around I feel like I'm in a Tim Burton film, not the least of which is Jenkins' 3 for 6 career mark against Nathan.

Ok, Twitch, that first strikeout is a step in the right direction. A couple of more now....

Lew Ford's shaky throw to home is another piece of foreshadowing of what life would be like without Torii. In any case, bottom of the 9th, here we come.




Tough road trip coming up, always nice to leave home with a win, especially when it puts you above .500. Besides, letting the Brewers steal this one would've felt like your best friend sleeping with your girlfriend. A part of you is like, "well, it wasn't a total stranger", but then another, much more prominent part of you says "Anger Salad".

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Friday, June 15, 2007


A Night At The Roxbury...Minus Chris Kattan

Our friends Tony and Matt from The Last Shot Podcast and Shane from Greet Machine are at tonight's game and offering running commentary. Let's check in with them:

Q: Describe Scott Baker in 3 words.

A: Trade To Tampa. That's the unanimous choice, no joke.

Q: Will Tampa be cool with giving up a few rosin bags and some Big League Chew for Rocket Bats?

A: Classic!

Q: Any thoughts on Ramon "Even My Mom Finds My Face Revolting" Ortiz?

A: it cool to bash Silva yet?

Q: How about the Bert statue, does it do him justice or did they pull a Blyleven?

A: Wouldn't doing Bert justice be pulling a Blyleven?

WV: Touché.

Q: Finally, Joe Mauer's one sleeve: Allen Iverson wannabe or injury prone wuss pretty boy?

A: Kubel just threw the ball halfway back to Milwaukee and Ortiz covers home plate about as well Green Day does John Lennon. Oh...uh..wuss pretty boy.

Well thanks guys, good to get a perspective on things right from the horse's mouth. What does that turn of phrase even mean, anyway?

Oh, and Scott BAAAker should be in Rochester. Hey Rocket Bats, here's the Craig's List link for apartments there, consider it a favor from me to you:

Rochester Apartment Listings.


Thursday, June 14, 2007


Assbat Overlords


Sorry I'm a little late folks, it's good to see you started without me. I logged in just in time to see Santana strike out Fhqwkads (seriously, is that a terribly obscure reference). So awesome. 1991 Hex!


Oh Cuddy was robbed on that one, robbed I tells ya! The rest of the inning was non-descript. We may see a little 1991 Game 7 redux here tonight.


"We're showing you a lot of Michael Cuddyer." Really, Marny? How much? Don't tease!

Web Gem for pretty much everybody there. Good stop, good throw, good scoop.

Saltalamacchia - you poor thing.

God I love watching El Presidente. Sorry for the sparse commentary, but you can't blame me for sitting in front of my screen with my mouth agape, watching him work his magic.


Now everybody freeze! And by everybody I mean Trade Bait on the basepaths. What can you do? Sometimes your feet are flat. I remember seeing something about Tim Hudson and how he scared some teammate by coming out of the closet in Scream getup, like Phil Leotardo before he capped Vito. Oops, sorry. I've got to stop doing that. I'm so nostalgic.


Since when in the name of... Tubby Smith? Gopher basketball? OK.

Not gonna lie, I root for Marquette. Specifically Dwight Burke and David Cubillan.

Morneau displays why I played the outfield as a youth.

Beware, Stripper (lover) Jones. Johan doesn't like walking people, and takes it personally and he'll take it out on you.


"I agree with you full-heartedly." Good work Bert. Your use of English is impeccable.

Diaz is playing left field to a Kubel-esque degree.

Now that is how the King of the Castle performs a Baltimore Chop.

Not a lot of action here. Let's make our own!


T-1000, insidious! Perhaps, and this is just my best guess, that Tim Hudson is pitching, and he is a good pitcher.

Sit down, Fhkwaqads! Everybody to the limit, the Cheat is to the limit!

Well Diaz is just havin' hisself a day!

Damn, he is filthy. Damn. Damn. What else is there to say? Now go hit Hudson hard!


Aflac trivia question! I bet Chipper Jones is one of them!

I'm envisioning a vignette: Justin Morneau and the ghosts of a future lost.

Wherein our protagonist agonizes over his timing to hit that 900 foot shot fair or foul. Downright Shakespearean.


Oh. Crap.

I like how Santana is able to just keep sittin' em down afterward, but you never like to see that. Hopefully the Twins can tattoo the East River. JoJo is just pitching too well to take a loss here.


Today, I ate lunch. This is a pretty normal occurence. But I ate lunch at a place called Abuelo's, and the... subtitle? was Mexican Food Embassy. Have you heard of this chain? What kind of name for a restaurant is that? Grandpa's home for food asylum?

Wow, the lotto winner scratchoff ticket person winner sounds a little... snookered?

I'm not even talking about the game anymore. But am I missing anything? In the existential sense.


Oh Chipper, I bet you think you're all hot shit right now, because you drew a walk against Santana. Yeah, you're probably gonna tell all your friends about that one time, or at least tell that to someone giving you a lapdance (have y'all seen that "Beyond the Glory"? I'm not making his stripper love up)

OH GOD. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. It's still good, it's still good! Fix him! Make him work! I need you in my life Joe Mauer!

That's not weird, right?

From here on in, forever and the rest of my life, I'm anti-Andruw Jones. If you can't control your shit, stand up in the box a little bit. No excuse for that.

I'm sorry for the langauge, but Andruw Jones could really use a lesson or two in playing baseball.

Yeah, Bert did just sort of metaphorically circle those people, didn't he? I'm just so blinded by anger salad right now.

OK, Santana needs to throw at Andruw. I've decided. That's how he should leave the game. That might also lead to the Cox ejection we've all been hoping for.

That may not happen with the pitch count, but boys and girls can dream, yes?

Double turds! Spaulding! What have I said about language! Sorry, I forgot.


Now go and smite the opposition!


Hey, 2 quick outs! That's weird! Joe, take out your frustrations with these bushleaguers and at least make it close.

Oh, you got something in your eye, Tim? That's GUILT, and SHAME, for your complicity in your centerfielder battering our catcher.

That's right Joe. Lie like a snake in the grass, make 'em think they've got you beat, and you'll rise up and spoil Hudson's win later! I like your style.


KT, hope is audacious. Barack Obama said so. Or at least his ghostwriter did.

Wow, Santana is throwing these pitches to McCann with a vengeance, you can just imagine in his head he's thinking "I can't believe I gave that up! Estupido estupido!" I uh, don't know spanish. I'm just kinda guessing there.

What a feeble wave from Johnson. "Oh, why, yes Mr. Worthingford, I suppose I did swing."

This game is taking place within the parameters of a Victorian novel, by the way.

In my head.

This just in: Bert still doesn't believe in pitch counts. And I don't either.


OH MY LORD. Bert Blyleven must be our long-lost uncle. I swear, Waterworld? How perfectly does that fit with the ethos of this here blog?

The Twins get a break? Yeah, I suppose in the context of tonight, yes.

WV: So you been keeping everyone entertained in my wake? Making this game humorous is like doing stand up at Cotton Mather's house.

RK: Been tryin', but it's rough out here. I feel like Andy Kaufman.

WV: Great, now I have Michael Stipe asking me if I believe they put a man on the moon stuck in my head.

RK: That's all lies, and your paper money is worthless once they went off the gold standard!

WV: Maybe we should all be on the Tim Hudson standard.


WV: I sure feel bad for Santana.

RK: I mean, what more can a guy do, right?

WV: He even tries to sell me Chryslers for Christ's sake.

RK: I know!

WV: Remember Juan Rincon?

RK: The pitcher?

WV: Yeah, not the father. You know, congrats to Juan and Carlos, but could we mention it any more guys?

RK: Well, you know where babies come from... because I'm not sure.

WV: You lie, sir. That rings about as hollow as when Nick Hexum told me to come original.

RK: But you've got to trust your instincts! And let go of regrets! And apparently let fhqwakads hit

WV: It's only a matter of time before Rincon becomes the next J.C. Milton and nets us prospects

RK: I'm surprised Terry Ryan's phone even rings anymore

WV: The baseball gods smiled on that play


WV: Right, we need to channel some Tim Hudson Smackdown mojo from the '02 ALDS right about now.

RK: And make Andruw Jones pay.

RK: Looks like Hudson tweaked his conscience.

WV: With Punto up and Tyner on deck I couldn't be more depressed.

RK: "Driven to center?" DRIVEN?!

WV: More like "Guided to the Centerfielder's Glove"

RK: Hey, Tyner has 0 home runs against the Braves. How d'you like that?

WV: Something must've been seriously wrong with Hudson if he couldn't close out the inning against these two clowns.

RK: Harsh.


WV: Wow, the Twins have managed 2 runs in Johan's last 3 starts. Solid.

RK: The Terminator may have been correct with his conspiracy theory.

WV: This may be true, but I imagine the 2 Cy Youngs will carry some weight regardless.

RK: It reminds me a little of Randy Johnson in 2003, I believe, where he was something like 13-12 with a 2.1 ERA or something

WV: I feel better saying things like Dennys Sampler Plate Reyes with Batgirl not around, now it's like we're not stealing but we're simply keeping good nicknames around.

RK: Yeah, now our thievery is nostalgic, not brazen... wait, did Bert just say that Flock of Seagulls was playing in Florida? Or am I just hearing what I want to hear?

WV: Every time he flubs what he wants to say all I hear is "we've got to do this fucking thing over again"


WV: You feel a comeback or what?

RK: Honestly, no.

WV: Sweet Martha, who hasn't had Tommy John surgery? Liriano shouldn't be concerned, it's about as routine as a filling.

RK: I had mine done in '97

WV: I didn't see, but was Escobar fielding Castillo from the left field bleachers?

WV: You're going to regret not having that ligament in your hip where it belongs.

RK: Joe needs to take his revenge. Or make a productive out.

WV: When Bert called out the choochbag in the bleachers wearing a suit nonsensically waving a U.S. flag, I remembered why we dedicated this site to him. "Take off your coat, you're at a ballgame"

RK: Well... it is flag day. HOLY SHIT!

WV: Castillo decided to stop half way to home to yell instructions at Cuddy, and with our 3rd base coach, I'm happy for it.

RK: Yeah, Luis is like, "Lemme get this one, boss."

WV: I've got faith that we'll tie this up, God wouldn't stand for Johan having a losing record

RK: Hm, apparently Cuddy doesn't believe in the baseball gods.

RK: Well... let's see what Hunter does

WV: Well, I do like Sinn Fein's career numbers against the Wickman

RK: Suicide squeeze!

WV: Bob Wickman's Girth + Gravity = Comedic Relief

RK: ABSOLUTELY. Boy am I happy I'm wrong.

WV: Smell 'Em

WV: Gosh, Ed Hickock is clearly paying attention to what's happening.

RK: Redmond doesn't strike out much right? Right? RIGHT???? Just need a fly here




WV: Do we make the obvious reference to the game 7 of the '91 series?

RK: Everybody else has

WV: Bob Wickman remembers what it's like to play for Cleveland again.

RK: So what can we say? That was amazing. The only unfortunate thing is that Santana doesn't get the win

WV: In any case, Detroit lost, and I think Cleveland was rained out so we pick up some ground.

RK: No, Florida's mounting a threat.

WV: Florida is down to their last strike, so everyone quickly become Alfredo Amezaga fans.

RK: Bonus blogging, from our fingertips to your brains. Sexy a little bit.

WV: Cleveland won, so never mind

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Don't Stop--


Yes, to those who get the title, I thought my cable went out too. I'd love to hear if any of you have opinions about the Sopranos series finale. But then again, this is also a baseball blog.

Barry Bonds is first in the national league in OPS. There.

I heard that somewheres today.

Just, y'know, start thinking of things to talk about. I hear we have a Silva (3-7, 4.58 ERA) taking the mound.

But then think of 1991. Wasn't 1991 awesome?

"Hi ho Silva, away!" I love you, Bert, but that caballo isn't going anywhere very fast.


Stacey, thanks for the welcome. Minnesota was amazing and all. WV and I are both avid Sopranos-lovers. I have nostalgic reasons, living in Newark for a little while, but it's probably the best drama to date. Anyway.

Well that shouldn't have happened, the little pow-wow a few feet off the bag between Silva and the good doctor.


I've got some good vibes here. Good times, great oldies, wait, no, that's a radio promo.


Joey Joe Joe Shabbado batting second? OK, I'm just so glad to see him back, hittin' balls all over the place like he does.

Oh Francouer (Fhqwkads?), either had a throw errant, or he threw to third on purpose. Neither justifies him being on the cover of ESPN The Magazine (distributed on Earth The Planet) a few years ago. Oh yeah, I'll get anachronistic all over his ass. Skinner would be so mad.

The Twins took a first inning lead! See, I leave for a week and everything turns around! I thought I was living in bizarro-world.

Sometimes even the littlest carbombs drive in runs, right Sinn Fein?


Coincidence: Joowan's baby is substantially smaller than Gordito's?


Well, sometimes they find the holes.

Cuddy plays a good right field. But what I'm really digging is how Dick and Bert keep mollycoddling him. "It's on the ground, so that's encouraging." "That was in the air, but it was up there too long, so Cuddyer could get under it." Pretty soon we'll hear "He really battled his tail off." Wait, wrong guy.

Way to get out of that Smuckers Raspberry Jam, big guy.


Lew Ford Experience: POWER UP!

Wow, I even wrote that before he hit that ball. Good feelings, people, good feelings.

Two bags the hard way for Bartlett. He is, as we say, fleet afoot.

And then he shows Atlanta how one properly steals third. You only do it when you can make it.

This might just be the '91 hex. Can we call it that? I mean, stranger things have happened in this matchup. Remember the hit and run with Tom Prince last time these teams got together? And he ended up scoring from first to win it in extra innings? 2002? Can someone help me out with that one?


All these leadoffs hit. Can we be done with this?

Holy crap it's Tim Laudner!

The magic of Launder is rubbing off!

"We found a way to get up though, baby!" Only you, Bert. Only you.


Double from Dimples McSweetcheeky O'bigbat, to be driven in by a home run with a majestic arc by the MVP. I am such a romantic. WV will tell you as much.

BOOM BOOM BOOM, sulfuric phosphate in the carbon tubing sounds as such. I have no idea if any of that is true or grounded in science, but you also know that figuring that out would go against the whole ethos of this here blog.

That and probably put me on a watch list or two.

Stacey, I found that card on the internet. I'm probably breaking some law, so don't go blabbing.

Oh, and then some outs were made. By some people. Not the ones who hit home runs. Biting commentary that you can only hear from such incisive insightfulness found right here, and for no cost to you at all!


Dick, really. Normally I don't want to challenge peoples' linguistic conventions, but it's most certainly NOT uncanny that Silva gives up some hits. In fact, most normal evidence points to such a conclusion.

The Lew Ford Experiment must be tuned up to take less zig-zag patterns to catch fly balls. That worries me when I see that.

Hot diggety damn!


Around the division:

Detroit and Cleveland are both locked up in ties in the late innings.

The White Sox and Royals are irrelevant.

It felt really good to say that about the Bitch Sox

No luck tonight for the King of the Castle. Good hit balls, but right at 'em.

That was a fortuitous time to do around the division, because that was a blah inning.


T-1000, you make an excellent liquid metal point: The Wire is indeed poised to be the greatest drama of all time. It's downright Dickensian. It's a very close second, and the next (final?) season might cinch the deal.

And Silva is pitching... well. Don't Stop Believin', indeed.


Cuddy is havin' himself a night. He's flirting with .300 here.

Stacey: Well... that's unclear. I suppose you just have to make the decision for yourself.

Wait, what? I thought that was a foul tip? Man, sorry I couldn't put more in here this inning. Fellow Mac users can probably attest to the fact that Safari is a fickle little browser and while I know I should be using something else, I keep coming back to it. Why? Why?


I don't mind the fact that 2 quick outs will truncate my pithy remarks, but only when the good guys are pitching, obvs. That's short of obviously.

I smell a Web Gem by the Pear King!



Bobby Cox looks like a sad panda.

After 2 quick outs, I was tempted to say hey, it's not so bad, let's get this thing over with. Quick outs around! But that's a wrong thought and wrong thinking will be punished.

I thought that Baltimore Chop by Castillo looked promising, but that was a good bit of fielding on the Braves part. Credit where credit's due...


There have been 8 leadoff hits in 7 innings. Hush, with Silva, all things are possible.

Dick says the number is actually 5, but I know what I didn't see.

Well, the Beermakers have overtaken Los Tigres, which is good. Clevelandia, however, looks like they'll beat Florida.

Man alive, the NL Central looks pathetic. Not unlike the AL East.

Fhqwkads is hitting the ball pretty well here, but I'm hoping for a double play, which happened as I was typing this sentence.

What a magical night!


Mini Mauer Walker? What the hell is that?

Honestly, I'm flustered about this!

Oh, they explained it. I had an ape like that, but I found that if you turned the knob as it was walking, sparks would fly out of its mouth. Toys were awesome 20 years ago. I'm pretty sure that at that rate of regression, people in the 60s were playing with acid-tipped spikes.

Well that was a whole lot of nothing.


Hey, a strikeout! That's uh, let's see, it's been a while... do you signify that with a K? Backwards K in this instance?

Wow - what a night!

Dear Gardy,

Leave Silva in.


RK (*ruff!*)


"You would have had Carlos sitting on top of you," and it would also be the last thing you ever experienced on this mortal coil.

So Bert, you pull a lot of muscles by being strong? I like the way you think. It's sort of like how I have this notion that everything can be a vegetable if you think about it enough. Like vanilla ice cream. It has vanilla extract, which is derived from a plant, which is a vegetable.

And that's logic.


I don't get it. So because athletes don't stretch enough, they get injured? Do we really live in a world full of Ken Griffey Jrs.? Is that a world we want to live in?

Again, Dick and Bert, love ya, but this descent into calisthenics is boring as hell.

And a gem:

Bert: My body likes beer!
Dick: ... okay.

That made it all worth it tonight. I should just stop right now. Oh soft, you know I'd never do that to you. Except when I do that to you, but not now.


What a bizarre intro: double flat panel screens, one clear, one cloudy? Who's in the graphics department over there at FSN North?

Dick, you are doing everything you can to jinx this. Let's see if the '91 hex overcomes your logorrhea.

So far, so good.



From Bert:

"Hi ho Silva!"

"Papa Silva"

And Dick, you're lucky that the '91 hex outweighs your inability to not jinx the hell out of people.

You know what this is like? Like when you go to eat a donut, and then you realize that there's a delicious filling inside. I mean, a donut's never bad, but when you get that strawberry filling when you weren't expecting it? Divine. It's like Silva. He's a decent pitcher, and you'd probably take him, even if you weren't all that hungry, but performances like these are the filling. I live in the land of tortured analogies.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


You Got Dick On Your Shirt?

With RK in Minnesota, I'm working all weekend and hence the dearth of smart alec commentary. If you dare to watch the mightily struggling Twins today, consider this a game thread. And to humor you during the low times, here's a classic video of Bert suggested by one of our readers.

Til next time, keep you sticks on the ice.


Friday, June 08, 2007


I'll Be Gone Till November

Or not. I'm actually gone till Sunday, up at St. John's University to be a groomsman for a dear friend and classmate who's getting married. Will I have time to go to a Twins game? Sadly, no. Will I be able to blog? Sadly, no. It's all in the hands of WV and his schedule, but I mean this from nearby the bottom of my heart when I say this:

It's so good to be back in Minnesota. This state is the nation's best-kept secret, and I'm alright with that - more for me.


Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Well, At Least It Wasn't Ponson

Seeing the Twins lose their 4th straight, my first reaction was to search for the Beast of Revelation and the number Six Hundred Threescore and Six. But, I think there's room for optimism. Like, hey, we're not losing to the Royals here. The Angels are 24 and 8 at home, and in Oakland we played them close. Besides, in Anaheim they have Christopher Lloyd and his band of angelic bretheren helping them out in the outfield. Yeah, I saw it on TV, so it must be true.

Rocket Bats didn't turn in an Earth-shattering performance, but it wasn't totally awful either. The problem is more that the Twins' hitters are about as supportive as a deadbeat father on a bender. But as we all know, the dark times of Ragnarok can be a protracted experience, before final redemption is at hand in the end. This end, however, might just extend to next season. But at the very least, we've got the return of the Chairman to look forward to, though it might be a small drop in the bucket. Irrational exhuberance over things that don't make much of a difference is dangerous however, like when I was working food service in high school and I got to use a new mop. It was great at first, but boy did the depression hit hard soon thereafter. Joe Mauer, you're not a mop, I'm just saying.

In closing, I leave you all with this great commentary on last night's game by loyal reader Timberwolf.

Timberwolf: FUCK THIS TEAM

Timberwolf: I HATE THE TWINS

Timberwolf: I am going out to smoke weed

Timberwolf: At least, the Lynx won

Tell me, is that not the most logical progression of events you've ever seen? In all seriousness, reading those 4 lines completely conveys the exact way one would have felt and reacted after watching the Twins last night. And that, everyone, is the reason this blog was started.

I'll forward those comments onto Simone Augustus.


Monday, June 04, 2007


Warding Off the Assbats


So here we are, still out west. 10:05?! I have a bedtime, not unlike Little Nicky Punto. I just caught up on The Sopranos, which was intense. I'm still out of sorts. That was indeed one of the best episodes ever. Evah. I'm attached to the show because I lived in Newark for a couple of years, about half a mile away from Big Pussy's auto shop. It's my claim to fame.

Today we have BOOOOOOF on the mound, and I'm so hoping we get Dick and Bert, but I'm not holding my breath. The benefits for you though, dear readers, with this late start:

1. It's late, I didn't sleep well, and I'm prone to loopiness when I get tired.

2. Late night action.



So uh, anybody else starting to wonder why we haven't seen the return of Grand Avenue Joe?

Liars! It's 10:08 and the game has not yet started! The good news is is the Weaver that doesn't suck is pitching, so that'll hopefully shorten the game. Oh, bite your tongue, RK.

An action team, Mr. Announcerman? How about an ACTION JACKSON team?

Punto is like the kid in Rookie of the Year with the size of his strike zone. Unfortunately, it looks like he has just as much power to center as that little guy.

Eating an orange while blogging was a bad decision.

Weaver has a lot of arms and legs? Is he like Spiderman's Doppelganger?

Damn you, mutant!


Is it really that big of a deal that pitchers haven't been seen before? I mean, I'm sure there's something to be said about stepping in versus a pitcher, but it's not like teams travel blindfolded. Oh, this is just a meaningless gripe. I should be a sports columnist.

It would not be a stretch to guess that Bonser and Herzegovina has his best stuff tonight.

Oh dear. Is it gonna be one of those games?

Oh Vlad Vlad Vlad, maybe you don't watch the tape... You ran on Cuddy? DJ Cuddles? Cuddly McCannonarm? Kaboomlimb? Boy, that one was a stretch.

They call Guerrero "Big Daddy"? Is this some weird Oedipal thing going on here?

Let's hope that Boof finds his stuff next inning.

Oh, a rare time when it didn't cut out during commercials! We can observe the players in their natural habitat, taking the field, looking slightly dazed - yes, we know your name SAYS you play in Los Angeles, but You're really in Disneyland Anaheim. Poor things, I'd be confused too.


Where do they find these guys? When "Morneau's in his happy zone, he doesn't miss." I don't even know what that means.

And Sinn Fein puts a carbomb in Weaver's Volvo and let's everybody know that we're starting this game over, son.

HUNGRY LIKE A RAT? I could get in the booth and whatever drunk is up in the booth could do this and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

That was a close pitch. Put up a mark for the good guys.

Well, LRod gave that ball a ride.

The bats seem to have come a little bit to life. Pray for Mojo.


Wait, there's two down already? How did I miss this? Was I lost in the world? Staring into the void ether? Where is everybody? Why do I feel like a Pink Floyd song?

I feel like I've let you down this inning. But you know who didn't? Boof. Wait, how can I let you down if there's nobody here?



So with all the Bradke comparisons, any takers on the over/under for Radke's return to the team as a pitching coach or some kind of coach or another? His regiment would be easy:

1. Throw strikes
2. Win

I just want to see that perfectly coiffed hair of his.

The king of the Castle just knuckled one the other way, just like Pierzynski used to do - STOP! He means nothing to me anymore!

The Emveepee doesn't look great at the plate so far tonight, but he always finds a way to redeem himself.

Just like that. That's what you need to do. Power and average from the good doctor.

And sometimes, sometimes you just hit it really hard to where they are. But I like the way we're swinging the bats so far, and my opinion is probably pretty vitally important.


Punto with the nice recovery to get the out!

Yeah kt, we're pretty much pretty awesome. We dig the Red Green show, Monty Pyton's Flying Circus, and uh... Twin Peaks.

But uh, yeah, more outs.

I do hereby swear, that I will never, ever, ever get sick of people talking about the Pierzynski trade. It makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat.

And perhaps some duct tape could hold a little team hitting streak together, capped off by hopefully a home run by Pork Chop (Kubel).


Bay Area Ryan: much like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, in retirement, Brad Radke's influence is even stronger. Except it's not really like that movie at all.

But speaking of, I recently went to that lake area place where Dirty Dancing was filmed. Mostly unimpressive, and the ghost of Jerry Orbach was not sitting starting stoically into the distance.

Hey, I didn't know Kubel was a Dakotan, albeit of the Southern variety. As a native Fargoan, I'm fiercely defensive about the Northern Dakota.

Bay Area Ryan: It's about doing. What it takes. To win.

Sigh, not great looking on the bases there. I guess I understand challenging The Most Puzzling Free Agent Signing Of Last Off-Season's arm, but uh. Yeah. Turn the lineup over?


"The sky is turning the same color as the baseball" ... WHAT? When does the sky turn white? When the 4th angel blows 7 trumpets?

Uh... hockey? That's still goin' on? I know, that makes me a Philistine.

I'm not one to usually have my heart warmed, but watching Guerrero and Hunter kid each other after Torii pretended like he didn't have it. That's why I watch the game.

Cuddy should email Vlad and say the following:

Mr. Guerrero,

Really? Really?!


Kendrick can't hit! Throw the damn ball!

"You gotta wonder why he wouldn't go after him" I wonder, I wah-wah-wah-wah wonder


Uneventful inning and I was distracted, so please enjoy this video about pugs and donuts:


On that pop-up, Joe Buck would say something like, "If we were in a silo, that'd be a home run." Good thing we're not in a silo. Good thing we're far far away from Joe Buck.

We're making short work here, which is good, so long as the Twins win of course, but it'd be nice to be done by 1 so I can catch the rebroadcast of the excellent show The Riches

Damn, damn, damn. We can has offense?

Good friend of PAB, TL, has suggested that because the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have the most ridiculous name ever, we should call them "Los Triple A." Let it be done!

All these close plays - I'm gonna have heart palpitations. Redmond probably should have held onto that, but hopefully the Twins can scratch a couple more across the plate.

The Pork Chop. So selfless. No offense to any Portuguese readers. If there are any. I'm talking about the other white meat.


The college game: Less bling, more ping. Make 'em swing with a stick, I say! Harrumph!

Cuddy was safe! Tie goes to the runner! Boo! and I'm not saying "boo-urns!"

Morneau is not looking good again.

Friend of PAB TL is on a roll tonight, and wants rabid Twins fans to be called "Twinsiders." And Twinsider trading would be sending Boof to the Red Sox "without tellin' nobody." Y'know what the best thing about Virginia is? The people.

Jered Weaver is definitely not pitching like Jeff Weaver tonight.


Yeah, Cuddy may have well been safe had he not Punto'd himself into first.

See, I should have been eating the orange *now*, when I'm getting tired and the team is going to bed.

Now, RB, we never root for injuries (ONLY IN SECRET)

Yeah. Pull Bonser.

This just in: blogging while eating a popsicle is also a bad idea. You have to leave it in your mouth to type but then the coldness hurts and you have to grab it. God my life is difficult.

But RB, on the basepaths, Cuddy is being Cuddy.

Watching Raymoan pitch might be more painful than eating popsicles whilst blogging.


7-1. Mein Gott

RB, you and I both.

Sigh, so much for that quick game so I could get to see Eddie Izzard.

Anybody want to talk about anything else? Anything?


2 quick outs. Let's just get this thing over with. We'll be back at .500 after tonight. Awesome.

And the assbats, they have not been warded off.


Stacey, in re: ice cream. I finally tried Ben and Jerry's ice cream for the first time in my life. Too sweet! Dublin Mudslide. I could only handle 2 scoops and I was done. Perhaps I don't have much of a sweet tooth, or perhaps I'm just a bit of a purist. Give me neapolitan!

RB: Close, but still 8-1. I'm sipping a glass of port, becuase that seemed like the snobby thing to do. I may yell "bastard!" and throw it into the fire in the fireplace I don't have. I should have planned that out better.


Stacey, there's always time. Never give up!

And my MLB Mosaic crapped out on me. But for some reason, I really don't mind that so much right now.

A growler of beer? Sounds menacing. I can't help but love Blue Moon myself.


Grand slam? That's it, I've got nothing left in the tank tonight.

On strike.

Sunday, June 03, 2007



We have an innate ability to predict which games are worthy of live blogging beforehand, hence my complete lack of remorse in missing the Twins offense bow down before Joe Blanton as if he were a golden calf. But as happened with the Israelites, Moses eventually descended Mt. Sinai and went medieval on the original stone tablets upon seeing the iconoclastic debauchery taking place. This comparison leads us to Moses Santana, who takes the mound today and hopefully reminds everyone that our offense is no longer a hostage to the Lord of Assbats and that the team in general is once again within sight of the postseason race.

Last night, of course, is not without positives, as Silva's outing was quite encouraging, and his offense's betrayal forced me to title this post accordingly. Kudos to anyone who got the Smashing Pumpkins reference--I'm always here to remind you that whatever Billy Corgan comes up with this time around will pale in comparison to Siamese Dream.

All pop references aside, I'll blame the offensive futility on the late West coast starting time, Little Nicky Punto can only do so much after his bedtime. Since Castillo's a rock star, he produced but he needs to supply everyone else with adderall before we head to LA to face the 1st place Angels.

Before I go, check out Howard Sinker's own variation of fan blogging, which is a little different than Pulling A Blyleven Mosaic®, but no less fruitful: Live from the Bay Area: The JimCrikket Report.

Until next time, keep your sticks on the ice.

Saturday, June 02, 2007


Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

Hello all,

RK and I are once again away from the internets so consider this the official game thread. As is likely obvious, we're not the most dedicated bloggers over the weekend, but expect witty and über-reactionary commentary on tonight's game come the Sabbath.



Pulling A Blyleven Mosaic®

Editor's note: This post is a compendium of commentary submitted by readers. RK and WV maintain that this method of blogging democracy is an underhanded way to get back at Axl Rose for constantly delaying Chinese Democracy.


Jim H: During one of the recent games, somebody hit a foul ball straight into the pressbox behind home plate. Blyleven said "I was hoping that would hit Sid Hartman." I cracked up; Dick ignored him (Dick's getting good at that). I heard nothing about it on the radio, in the blogosphere, or in the newspapers. I'm sure he said it, and I figured he'd get into some kind of trouble (even though it was hilarious). Did I imagine this? Anyone? Beuller?

Prediction: Slowey goes 7 strong but gets a no-decision because the Twins bats are silent until the late innings.

WV: Jim, anecdotes such as that should never slip through the cracks and thus the need for blogs. I'm not convinced Sid is actually still alive, a la Fidel I think he's cryogenically frozen in the Strib compound and his new columns are simply cut and pastes of his past work.

RK: Like Walt Disney he is frooooo-zen, and in the Swiss hall of fame he goes in.


Scalooze: Rick Anderson just said that Slowey pitches 'like a veteran'- in regards to his command and his control. My prediction is that sometime this season that mental control, as so mercurial in the unsure days of youth, snaps and he'll be goin for heads. Sort of like how 15-year old girls control their first boyfriends, who then leave or knock them up. Let's hope against a Slowey impregnation.

RK: *Breathes slowly into a paper bag* Don't ever make jokes like that! Seriously, one time on April Fool's Day... never mind.

I blame the pessimism on the long week.

WV: And I blame you for bringing back painful repressed memories of every girl in middle school that dumped me. The joke is that there weren't any.

Scalooze: Kennedy has one of those wind-up styles that annoy me- wonder why he is 1-4. Or has his highest opposing team ERA against the Twins.

Lots o' GIDP like that?

WV: I'm always excited to face pitchers who were fired by either the Devil Rays or Royals. Mike McDougal helped us out the other night, I expect Kennedy to do the same.

Stacey: Bottom 1st, they are discussing Dan Johnson's season, being on the DL early. Dan Johnson was also on the DL last year because he squirted suntan lotion in his eye. Only baseball players.

RK: But there's copper in suntan lotion! Sometimes toned copper!

Scalooze: Damage control- end of the first.

Scalooze: Castillo's hitting .333? Lays down good sac bunt? Love love love.

Stacey: Top 3rd, Twins score their first run on a single, a walk and two sacrifices. Dick reminds us that, even though we aren't playing the Bitch Sox, the Twins can still be pirantas. That nickname was really awesome for a while, but I must say I'm starting to get sick of it.

WV: Yeah, when can we just go back to playing small ball, being hard-nosed or battling our tails off?

RK: I could go for a name change to Magic Fucking Unicorns

Scalooze: Ball 2 to Milton Bradley (which, I should add, is the funniest name ever) looked an awful lot like strike 3. The third inning , finally over after 1,45547,540,634 foul balls from Chavez. Who is delicious btw.

WV: And he'll probably win the gold glove too when he hits 30 home runs. And..because he's...ahem...delicious.

RK: Remember when the Cleveland outfield was Milton Bradley, Coco Crisp, and Matt Lawton? If only Matt had been named Parker Brothers, or Count Chocula or something.

KT: I got to ye olde compooter just in time to see Justin attempt to catch Chavez's foul ball (and yes indeed he is hot. Only one 't' though. Not hott like Santana), which he overran and ended up sliding and looking like a fool and seemed none to happy with Mike Redmond over it. Redmond tried so hard to redeem himself with the next pop up, but Little Nicky Punto came and stole his glory. A tiny superhero must do what he can...


KT: Bert just said that Jerry White is helping Bartlett with the signs. How does he do that with the 1st baseman right there? pig latin? it-hay and-hay un-ray!

WV: I think simply speaking the King's standard English is enough to confuse Nick Swisher.

RK: I also find myself profoundly confused by the King James Bible - wait, this is a different discussion.

Scalooze: Yes- definitely not double-t like Santana. But my boyfriend (Bartlett) has made one hotttt catch at the bottom of the fifth. 2 down.

RK: He does already have 3 't's in his name.

KT: Bottom 5th -- They keep showing Slowey's dad. CUTE! He approved of Bartlett's leaping catch. I think he thought it was hott.

WV: I think 5 scoreless innings pitched by Slowey is hottt (like Christina Aguilera's version of dirrty) it not quite kosher for a guy to say something is hot with 3 't's?

RK: I'm just glad this is all women think about too. I feel like less of an animal right now.

KT: Top 6th -- Naked Batting Practice can't straighten out his arm after getting hit on the elbow? Isn't that important for a catcher?

RK: Consult Rube in "Major League II"

Scalooze: Slowey's dad looks like that one actor. Redheaded, really Irish looking. Maybe in some dramas?

Anaandamide: Ha, I love the Blyleven tag....had forgotten about the old bugger...On the topic of Chinese Democracy, here's some insight.

WV: That's an awesome post, everyone check it out.

Stacey: Bottom 6th, what the fuck was that? LFE must be programmed to turn his back to home run balls before they actually land. Oh well, welcome to the Big Leagues, Slowey.

p.s. Thought I'd weigh in on the hotness of Chavez...far better looking when he's not hitting homers.

p.p.s. I've been trying to come up with a good nickname for Slowey, but haven't yet. Any suggestions?

WV: Uh...Slowey poke? If he were hottt we could call him Hearthrop (since he went to Winthrop)...sigh, we'll have to work at this.

KT: Has anyone seen the old movie "Blackbeard's Ghost?" Slowey looks like the character Gudger from that movie; we could call him Gudger.

WV: Gudger's a funny name, and I agree with you. Furthermore, we adore obscure references here at PAB.

RK: All your bases are belong to us!

TOP 7TH INNING, Game Tied At 1

Dear Dick Bremer,

Please don't talk about the bullpen being really good while Juan Rincon has a guy on 2nd with 1 out in a tie game. (in the bottom of the 7th)
Love, KT

Oh what's that? He got out of the inning? Oh I didn't know that.


Stacey: What is it with the A's and their hair? I know Swisher was growing his out for Locks of Love, but I doubt Travis Buck has as good of an excuse. Chavez's is bordering on ridiculous as well. Is it that ever since Barry Zito left, they rest of the team had go to greater lengths to look like hippies?

RK: On the other hand though, it looks like Barry Zito left his curveball in Oakland.

KT: I think the team is showing solidarity and is making their hair ridiculous until Bobby Kielty comes back from the DL.
Zito used to help make the A's one of the most attractive teams in baseball (behind the Twins of course). Now...not so much.

Megan: I for one was very impressed with how Slowey handled it all. First inning said it all. Bases loaded with one out. No runs scored. Applause!!!! Many rookies might screw that up. And then after he gave up the solo shot, he got two quick outs.
Bravo Slowey!! :)

WV: Megan, was that a backhanded reference to Rocket Bats?

Megan: Runs please? Oh wait... baby steps. Hits please? Wait!! I know their trick!! They hypnotize our players with the foghorn and drum. Dang Oakland fans...

Scalooze: Yeah...A's were pretty attractive. Detroit, possibly the most unattractive. I almost dread going to their games at the Dome for fear of some of those guys' mugs on the jumbotron. *shudders*

In comes Neshek to finish off the eighth.

RK: I can't stop staring at Placido Polanco's skull.

Megan: Oooh... I wish our team would make their hair ridiculous! They opted the shaved head look instead...

KT: And they play silly bouncy organ music when Death Metal comes out of the bullpen (in the bottom of the 8th with 2 out). It's just wrong...

Stacey: Maybe RK and WV should go away more often. I rather like discussions of how attractive the guys are in addition to how well they play. Like Death Metal (or Pat the Bunny as I like to call him)...gorgeous. The A's, however, have Huston Street, who is a wicked good closer and probably the hottest baseball player ever. This is what I call less stats, more sass!

WV: A coarser man might say, less stats more ass.....tap tap, is this thing on?

RK: Everybody knows the hottest baseball player in the league is Sal Fasano.


Megan: Haha, RK and WV leave and the girls take over. Niice.

KT: Hahaha, I'm sure they're thrilled :-) Hottest player ever is strong verbiage (nounage? hyperbolage?) indeed. I'll see your Huston Street and raise you one Johan Santana.

Editor's note: Girls taking over anything we do is actually a dream of ours and will always be thrilling

Scalooze: Speaking of hotness- Castillo's lead-off double in the top of the tenth- super sexy.

Megan: Agreed. Something about leadoff doubles that make you go "OMG!! I LOVE YOU CASTILLO!!!!"

KT: Poor Bert. Will someone please steal him a base?

Scalooze: Cirillo hitting both RBIs in the game, including on in extra innings = I am dripping of post-orgasm bliss.

WV: And I just blushed.

KT: For the first time, here's a shout out of hottness to Cirillo! Woohoo!

Stacey: top 10th: who needs a sacrifice!?! I really thought Crosby had that one like he got the one in the 9th, but thankfully this one got past him. Nice effort, but the Twins go up.

Stacey: top 10th: Dick and Bert seem to think Tyner is amused by all good jumps Cuddles is spoiling by fouling off pitches. If I were Tyner, I'd be pissed. And all that for a walk.

Scalooze: And Redmond continues to earn his keep.

KT: This one's for Batgirl...THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND!

Megan: This is where the "Let's go, Nathan!" chant I used in Milwaukee comes in nicely.

Megan: I heart the Redmond!!! He's my fave. :) And I just have to say, our announcers ROCK. That is all.

Timberwolf: I hate the A's announcers.

WV: I don't know how works, but for some reason we get our announcers even though we're on the road.

Scalooze: Nothing more satisfying in the world than pissing off some cheeseheads. Except an orgasm from Johan Santana, of course! Vicodin's so great.

2 to go.

WV: Agreed on the vicodin; still considering the former.

KT: hehehe, if we can't steal a base for our dear announcers, can the A's GIDP for them (in the bottom of the 10th)?

Scalooze: Milton Bradley TOOK THAT AWAY. Chavez vs. Nathan

Stacey: Bottom 10th: Shit, Dan Johnson. I was willing him to GIDP, but he would not listen. So much for the Nebraska kinship. Can we please just get this over with?

Scalooze: 3-2 final- after a nearly Nathan-induced heart attack. Nice prediction jim. Slowey possibly could become a Radke.


WV: Jim H. actually wasn't too far off with his prediction, maybe he should become a bookie.

Stacey: Extra innings are supposed to be nerve-wracking, yes? This was a good win, and I'm happy for the team. Tomorrow's game should be a lesson in mediocrity with Silva and Blanton on the mound.

Bay Area Ryan: Attendance was said to be around 20,000. I'd say maybe 15,000 were around to watch the extra innings, and maybe 10,000 to catch the A's bat in the bottom of the 10th.

Despite being completely adorned in Twins gear (Cuddy jersey + hat), I only received a smattering of boos (most of them reserved for me when I boarded my BART train).

WV: When what you should've done is booed the Bay Area transit folks for charging you exorbitantly to take public transportation across town.

WV: In any case, a good win, and thanks for everyone who participated in PAB Mosaic®, we will definitely make use of this format in the future as it is always nice to hear new perspectives...especially when they revolve around hotttness.

RK: These people are better at this than we are.

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