Thursday, May 29, 2008


Meat Sweats and Other Food Comas


I'm kicking myself for giving up on last night's game - I should learn to be more hardcore. But also the Twins should remember that I'm a quarter of a century old, and staying up past midnight too many consecutive days makes me put on my crankypants and tell kids to get off of my lawn. And I don't have a lawn.

Tonight's danger - I made blue cheese cheeseburgers. You know the kind that you put the cheese crumbles between two patties and melt some on top? Oh yeah, that. Best one of those I ever had was at the St. Clair(e?) Broiler. Man, I love that place. I could talk about food all night, and I would, save for the fact that this here is a baseball blog and I shouldn't be so stupid.

Tonight we have Slowey Gin Fizz up against Kevin (Dave? Dan?) Hochevar, who sounds like he should be doing weekend sports for the Valley's choice, KVLY News 11.

It's a Fargo thing.


Whoa, the Royals read Cargo like a book there. I can't imagine he's been that far away from stealing the bag.

Justin, that was ugly, if you don't mind me saying. You were waving at that like you were on a float in a parade


That was the first Radke comparison tonight by the Royals announcers by my count. Let's keep track!


Gotta switch my laundry to the dryer. Let me know if anything exciting happens!

I see nothing exciting has happened.


EMH, never can remember that. I'll try for future reference, but I'll forget in about 18 seconds.

Aaaand to the bottom half we go.


"Hey, this is A.J. Burnett" Hey A.J.! When are we gonna hang out like you said that one time? Just kidding, but I like his informality with the anonymous viewer.

Touchy touchy, Lefebvre, I'm sure people will understand if you don't pronounce a difficult name the first time!

Could you imagine Bert with a hard name? He'd be like "Manatha- Marsalla - Manowar - fuck it, Johnson."

And Kool Slow D puts down a guy in his first Major League at-bat. And then a quick as lightning double play! So the third inning is over, and the games been going for 38 minutes. We're on pace for a 1:45 game!


Oh Scott Ullger, it's like you're just messing with the guys - Stay, slide wait! Backward! Upside down!

While Casilla's pirouette to try to get to the bag was impressive, he probably was out of baseline. At least he didn't try to take the catcher out.

Cuddy! After reader Laurel called you out you're producing!

Confidential to Laurel - can you call out lambda for me? I like him so much, and even more so if he'd produce

The interstitial music showing Rookie starts sounded straight out of a level from Mega Man X2, maybe my favorite SNES game.

Here we go lambda, as soon as I can figure out the Mac keyboard shortcut to make the appropriate greek letter - I will do such a thing.

Well, I suppose I have to give OfJesus some credit there.


I'm spending way too much time trying to figure out this lambda keyboard shortcut. But look! 

Oh, I'm such a terrible fanboy

I'm glad Mr. Slowey is cruising here - just imagine how he'd be with some more run support. Eh? Eh?


Mr. White sounds so pleasant. How does one get to be that pleasant? I'm certainly not.

2 outs runner on 3rd? I want to see Global Warming at the plate... and of course he comes through. 2 inches short!

(Insert "that's what she said" joke yourself. I'm above that)

Cuddy is swinging a broomstick up there, that's his problem.


Ha, in my google search for "mac keyboard shortcut lambda" this post comes up on the second page! Google, you are frighteningly aware. I won't stop until you sing "Daisies!" Anybody else here seen 2001?

I've said it before: I really really like our young pitching staff. Except Boof.

Remember when I said that if I threw a baseball out of my front door Delmon Young would swing at it? Similarly, if I threw a baseball out of my front door, Carlos Gomez would streak over and catch it. Or at least back up - shit, this is falling apart.

But it doesn't matter, because the Royals are doing their best impression of the 2007 Twins, with this GIDPing!


I enjoy this Lefebvre guy - tells the story of Kubel's hometown Belle Fourche SD - and then says "Well, there you go!" He should have ended it by saying he found 5 dollars.

Mr. White knows his Disney films! I have an unhealthy knowledge of all those mid-90s Disney films.

There goes the baker with his tray like always
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the moment that we came
To this poor provincial town

OK, enough of that.

Lambda! Way to leg it out! OK, that was Hochevar's fault, but still, awesome.

Teabag has been making some good plays out there, but RB has alerted me to his douchiness, which I no longer doubt.

Otherwise, I like the Royals. I want them to do well when not playing the Twins.

Gotta make like Mike D and get my clothes right out the dryer

Hey, 3 runs! Made it back just in time to see Just in Morneau Strike out


RB, good idea.

Waaaay out in front there, Mr.... bat-swinging person.

That may have hit his foot, but he didn't sell the call. Welcome to the bigs, Aviles!

Hillman's trying to do the "pump up my team by getting tossed" thing. But not very well.

TH: What was that, Blue?
UMP: That was a fair ball
TH: You sure?
UMP: Yep
TH: Dang, son
UMP: Nice talking
TH: OK, but I'm very angry right now

RB, I noticed that, and this can get out of hand. It's not just transposing letters "Guadardo," and his name could get very long by the end of the game.


I don't know if anybody's done this before, but I fully recommend this method of tee shirt folding - takes like 1/10th the time

There's English versions, but how can you pass up the original Japanese?

RB, that's fun! eJesus would be like a techno-utopian's dream!


2nd Brad Radke reference! Shit son, Lefebvre just said they're ALL like Radke

RB, yep, between he and Eric Milton, child laborers in Latin America had to make a TON more baseballs.

I just noticed that! Slawry. Coming up: salary or celery?

7 shutout innings! Good work, Cole Slaw!


Damn! I lost a sock! I feel like Raphael in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

RB, I agree. I like this Gomez dood.

I've always hated the word "camaraderie" ... and now you know that.


Casillas: it ain't pretty, but he gets the outs

Celery is in command.


Y'know, the double play doesn't bother me. I just want this game to be over. I feel so dirty when I get this attitude.

RB, true, close call, and lord knows I had a variety of excuses for calling outs or strikes. Too cold, too hungry, etc.


Come on, salary! I also have ears that stick out, so I feel a certain kinship with him.

Yeah, alright guys, cheer for your one run. Congratulations. This is like when I would get my vanity point against David Wright's brother in tennis. Oh yeah, totally name-dropping the fact that I have often played tennis with David Wright's brother.


One out away from a CG shutout, the CG itself is beautiful, especially for a rookie. I'm gonna be away this weekend up in the District of Columbia, so I will continue to pray for mojo.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008




I know I speak for WV as well when I say that at PAB, we have democratic (small d) considerations. As in, we like things that are democratic, not that we care much for the American electoral spectrum.


So we're looking at this app called ScribbleLive. It would allow people to put stuff on one post (or so I think, WV runs the technical stuff here, and that's why the Praise/Bury hasn't been updated in years). Because we love the chaos of a bunch of people clamoring, I try to address comments that we get in the posts themselves, but I think ideally we'd move to posts made up entirely of comments from us and hell, anybody else who felt like piping up. I'm intrigued by these possibilities, more as this develops.

Whooooooa, we're halfway there


Well, so far Zack Morris Greinke is on pace to strike out 27

Good work, Joe, breaking that up


Oh Bon Jovi. Not a great start. This does not bode well.

Bases loaded, nobody out, just where you want them!

2 outs for one run is about the best we could have hoped for there. Let's hope Greinke doesn't get all Nick Blackburn on the good guys.

Now shake it off, Bon Jovi, settle down, and go 7.


Oh bother.


I really do enjoy these announcers. When they were talking about the hard times, I thought of that song from Strongbad's 100th email:

And this little weirdo
Would be a modestly hot girl
To help me through the hard times
You know the kind that's only sorta hot
So she won't mess around with other guys

Anybody know what I'm talking about?

Brendan Harris made a good play, that, if the Antichrist from Kalamazoo (Jeter, for those not in the know) made, there would be a 30 minute Sports Center special about it the next day.


Hey hey Kayla, no worries: I never assume it's me!

Ah, here it is:

I can't wait for Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People coming to a Wii near me!

Mike λ Pierzynskis one the opposite way. Remember when AJ had 400 of those hits in like 2002?

Cargo, getting it done. I remember when Michael Kay called Alfonso Soriano "AlSo" and that was stupid. Perhaps Cargo will wear thin on me.

Unless we called him Gap Cargo Pants for teenagers who wear two much cologne (GCP4TWW2MC)

When I coached baseball, I once had a pitcher who balked 3 times in a row. True story.

It was JV.

I kinda like that techno beat outro. Oompa oompa TECHNOCHOCOLATE


Bon Jovi: Sharp as brie.

The little castle's Web Gem is helping you out Livan, you owe him a pizza.


Ugh, someone tell me a joke please


Oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep

Runners on, fewer than two outs? That's Livan for you tonight.

Kayla, I don't think I've defended Dlmon much here, except to criticize that he hasn't done what the Twins brought him over to do. If I am on a bandwagon though, please believe it's Kubel's. I am a Kubelaniac.


EMH, you're right, we'll need a running gag, a turn of words, a crossword puzzle, and WHAT THE HELL, DELMON YOUNG?!

OK, a joke, a gag, a pratfall, a shot and a beer should do the trick

TOP 5, MN 2 KC 6

To answer Lefebvre's question: "How often do you see such and such guy lead off the next inning?"

Your chances are 1/9, or .111, monsieur.


That 4-6-3, was, as the H to the O-V might have said in 2004 was "so necessary." Wow, that was the most obfuscating Jay-Z reference ever.


"Young Lamb... Mutton!" There was the joke! Thank you, Ryan Lefebvre!

They showed Bert again! I miss you still, Bert! My life is (even more) empty without you!

Starting to look at my watch here.


Consecutive goose eggs from Bon Jovi! But I fear we may be too late. We have our joke, now I'm going to get my beer, and maybe a crossword puzzle. Oh yeah, I do the crossword every day, big whoop, wanna fight about it?


The Rubik's Kubel justifies my confidence in him

Jesus, I thought that was Robert Redford in the dugout there for a second

Holy Moroni, we scored a run!

/Mormon joke

And then squandered opportunities. I don't want to mail it in, because I am HARDCORE, but I am losing hope that we can extend the Royale w/ Cheez' losing streak


And with that misplay by Cuddy, I say:


Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Calves of Fire


Hey everybody, hope you all had a blast on Memorial Day, grilling out, fishing... um, grilling those fish, perhaps, for synergy's sake. I climbed a mountain over the weekend. Just one day actually, and the mountain isn't too terribly tall (1500ft. ascent) But holy hell are my legs sore still. I could try to make a parallel to a major leaguer's regimen of playing every day and the toll that must take on their bodies. But instead all I'll say is this: peanut butter sandwiches never taste so good as when you're on a hike.

Tonight's pitching match-up is downright mythical: The Dread Pirate Roberts Blackbeard vs. The Incredible Hulk (I can never remember if it's Bruce or David Bannister in the story. Maybe it's both depending on the source. I'm easily confused).


Oh, I still have some time. I don't know if I've addressed this or not, but WV hasn't been around much because he is still in school, that sucker. Because the Cardinal is on a quarter system, he pretty much bets done in mid-June. So he's taking a sabbatical to write papers and grants and... all that other shit.

Me? I'm a test subject! I run on a treadmill for a little while with electrodes on to measure my gait and stuff. I dunno. They pay me for it.

Hm, one of the announcers' last names is Lefebvre. I certainly use Henri Lefebvre in my thesis a lot THAT YOU CAN'T SEE FOR THREE YEARS. Not that you were looking. Ahem.

Aaand 3 quick outs


To me, it looked like Gathwright got picked off. Seems to me that if your name is Gathwright, you'd be better suited to being a character in an Oscar Wilde play instead of being a ball player.

I see I added a W in Gathright's name, but Blackbeard added a K to Gordon's name! Hey-o!


"Cuddyer was looking for everything but that fastball, right down the middle"
"Heh heh, what else could he have been looking for? Heh heh."

You better watch your tone, mister.

I still believe in you, Koobull.

I have the impression that if I opened my door and threw a baseball out of my apartment, Delmon Young would swing at it.


The one bright spot in these commercials: the All-Star voting is set to the tune of "National Anthem" by Radiohead. Good tune off a good album (Kid A)

"He couldn't have hit that one any better than that" respectfully, anonymous announcer for whom inflection classes would help, hitting it not to the left fielder would have been a better hit. Oh, but I'm probably just a stat freak who hates the game

3-pitch inning!


And-a movin' right along. Man, the wind is really keeping the balls in tonight. It's like the Metrodome ca. 1988


Man, Blackburn is just throwing it up there. I like it.

What an awkward swing from OfJesus

Pulled the chain! Sir Worthington Gathright, you may need to refresh yourself with cucumber sandwiches and a whiff of smelling salts; I do believe you have the vapors!


elizabeth, I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about, but I like that style. Are we talking about Gathright? I'm not exactly what people would call "smart."

Little castle! Breaking up the DP!

Oh EMH, it's you! I enjoy the name of your blog much. Madeline L'Engle's book confused me as a child. Still probably does.

Cuddly McDimples does not inspire a great deal of hope within my heart.


But I'll settle for a solitary RBI


Oh that's rich. Announcers talking about how all the Twins pitchers throw strikes, then they show a shot of Bonser & Herzegovina.



Hm, I have read The Importance of Being Earnest and even though it's one of my favorite plays, I can't recall that part. Oh well. Have you seen the version with Colin Firth? From 2001 I think? Good stuff.

RB, who is this Ryan Lefebvre guy? I enjoy his name. Very French. "All those letters? Fuck it, just don't pronounce the last 3" kinda thing.

"Pretty soon you'll look at your cell phone and say 'Taco!' and it'll ask 'Hard or soft shell?'" This Lefebvre guy is certainly number 3 after Dick and Bert.

Hm, that was underwhelming. Let's see if Cuddy can do something.

Cuddly?! What are you doing?!

In case any of you have burgeoning anger salad:


Blackburn used to be a little tubby, huh? I never would have guessed. All I really heard was chicken something and 260 lbs and I'm just gonna piece that together in my head.


That was all nature's fault, Komrade Kubel.

Bert! Hey Bert! I miss you Bert! It's not weird at all!


EMH, oh yes, now I recall. And spot on in re: Colin Ferth. He's in good stuff. Except that one with Emma Thompson where she's the nanny... Nanny McPhee? Shit's terrible.

Yeesh, stacey, I'll say. And how, exactly, does one find this work?

Blackburn is averaging 11 pitches per inning, with no walks. He does remind you a little bit of old Dark Beard, doesn't he? I wonder what he's up to? Besides fishing? You're absolutely correct, RB. He's efficient like... keeping a toothbrush in the shower. No, I don't like that. Help me out here people.


Haha, RB, accurate, but unpleasant.

Now that's just dumb luck, CarGo. Oh my, I think we have a new nickname.

RB, at first it sounded like Mr. White was being condescending, but now I see he's just genteel, which I like. But I don't believe in editing!

I'll look into it stacey. I'm all about finding stuff here at the Biomedical Engineering science blah blah blah. They're always looking for the perspective of social science people for the stuff they write. "No ma'am, that's not a metaphor, that's metonymy." Stuff like that.

The Twins did not score.


What did Silva do in 2005? 78 pitch CG? Seems the 1st inning may prevent that for Blackbeard, but I'm still tres impressed.

Haha, RB, I've never played "The Show," but the Bigs 2006 for my Wii allows me to have 27 K games with Santana. Which I like.


In your drinking game, RB, my only saving grace would be that I often have to spell Lefebvre. Otherwise, done.


-Mentions or youtube embed an 80s song
-Goes a half inning without talking about baseball at all
-Mentions Junior High
-Makes up a stat
-Guesses at someone's name

I'm mainly ambivalent toward the Teahen, RB, but I'm ambivalent toward a lot of things.

Like I'm not gonna let that Kubel K get to me.


Here's the question: if Bburn continues on the way he is, do you let him close it out? I know the answer to this question is obvious, but still.

RB, I like your style. You also answered the obvious question before it was asked. Of course you bring in T'n'P here.

Unless, of course, the Twins pile on.


For what it's worth, Sonic isn't all that great, RB. Are there In n Outs near you? Hot damn those are good.

RB, one of my tools is also "Hint of Lime" tostitos

Good batwork, Cargo. Score a run to give Blackbeard a shot at a CG.

It's true, RB, Carlos has about as many major league walks as I do. Which is zero. True fact.

Whoa, Mr. White has had some coffee. "zeezeedeedee situation you're in the situation all of a sudden zoobiedoobie situation you wanted to be in situation situation"


Blackbeard, out to finish that which he hath begun!

Sure, RB, life is all about choices. We have 5 guys around here, which is like a quasi-In-N-Out

I do believe a 27-pitch perfect game with no assists would be even more perfect than an 81-pitch CG with 27K

Good work, kid, but it's time to to bring in Mr. Nathan. I think if this wasn't Blackburn's first pair of sideburns, Gardy'd live him in, but that's a hell of an effort.

Oh God oh God oh God


I suppose that's gonna happen. Perhaps Dlmon could have played that differently. Can't help but think


I feel bad not having any confidence in Cuddy. I just can't help it.

Haha, Nibbish, it's true, like "Ah hell, I tried. When do we eat?"

It's true, Laurel, that's devastating. At least WE all know that W-L doesn't mean shit. Still.



I could be watching Good Eats right now! It's a sirloin episode, too! But my loyalty lies here.

Yes, round is a shape.

(holds breath)



Young Young, redeem thyself!

Or... do that

This... is... depressing. Come on lambda

I don't know what to say anymore. This game emotionally drains me.


At some point, I'll figure out what in God's sweet hell Gomez was thinking

I still have some love for the Crainadian. Sorry I'm not really writing sentences, but this is how I get in high stress situations. You should have seen me in my defense.

I pace and I twitch and rub my face and clean and make cookies. Not really, but I should.


Cuddy! Cuddy! My boy! My beautiful Virginian!

Walking to get to Dlmon? Can't really argue with that one.

It would indeed be satisfied if Young did *something*

I meant something besides Grounding into a double play, you... you... Oh, fuck it.


What's this Sweet Escape song? I've stopped blogging and am just responding to all your wonderful comments. Takes my mind off the game and are far more entertaining

Guerrierrierrierrierrierr looks pretty good here, not gonna lie. Basically I'm just trying not to pee.

RB, exactly. Probably should have left Blackburn in there. Probably. But what are you gonna do?

Oh thank Jebus.


I'm just too drained. Thanks for the company, everybody, you make this more fun.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Eli's Coming


No pregame today, but who's counting? There's nuts on Good Eats, and lord knows I love me a nut or two. I really like cashews, but I would argue that pistachios are the best nuts on the planet

And Nikolai Blackburn is looking good so far. Whaddya suppose the odds are Boof joins the bullpen? Because there's just not enough righties in the bulllpen.

Hamilton needs to sit down and think about all those RsBI he has. He uh, has a lot. Probably more than the entire Twins roster


Speedy Go[m]ez, even you can't bunt super hard like that and beat it out.

Look at it this way NOT Wade Boggs, you gave some guy a souvenir.

Mauer is just giving the Pontoon the business at the plate, which is good to see. Even when he's in the hole, he's a cool hitter in the box.

The other JM almost beat the shift, but you gotta tip your cap on that play. The pontoon, not so good of late, and hey, I like this above .500 thing, so we should uh, keep that going.

And that's baseball analysis, son.


I hear facebook is undergoing some changes soon, so that'll be interesting. I'm new to that world, but I'm comfortable with how things are. I resist change!

Also, Operaion! Game of Life got out, followed quickly by... the next guy? Let's guess... Shelton.

It was Murphy

You'd think I wouldn't be so lazy - I can just look to the right of the screen and see. But I think guessing is fun!


What happened? Why is Clue Chinese Checkers so mad? Did he get bounced?

Boy, that Michael Young is a pretty good shortstop. Remember a few years ago when the Rangers had Young, Blalock, Delucci and Teixeira? That was good for them. The end. Of the story.

There'll be some technical difficulties here. Playing with my Airport Extreme (totally a Mac fanboy here)... back when I'm back


You know who I want broadcasting the apocalypse? TK. Dude would keep me calm as I melted away into a carbon shadow. How are the good guys not scoring any runs against the pontoon?


Meal or no meal! I get it! I'm totally ignoring that home run by Young for the time being. I wish our Young had a home run. That'd be the awesometime.


So I finally get my Wii hooked up to the internets, and all of a sudden Blackburn has given up 7 runs? This does not bode well my find four-fendered friends.

Reader Laurel is at the game tonight - but will she stay? Of course, because she is the hardcore.


Brightside McGee says: at least they didn't get shut out


Where was this pontoon when he was pitching for us? Hm?


We need some lolTwins. Perhaps I'll make some. Perhaps I'm in a pissy mood, I don't know. But uh, when I get Super Smash Brothers Brawl I'll totally play with someone on the internet.

As you can tell, I don't exactly have a "summer job" yet.

Rincon is perhaps trying to recapture some of Santana's magic with the goatee. It's not exactly working, but he did get in 2 solid innings of work, so I suppose that's good.


I see how silly it looks in print for a 25 year old boy man to talk about summer jobs, but I am a student after all, so it's totes OK.

I hate these damn commercials on

Holy hell, do I hate them


You know what I've been listening to lately? M83. They're not exactly new, but their latest album Saturday = Youth is an excellent 80s style disc. They make the music unironically, unlike most groups who do 80s music. But you all know how much I love the 80s music, even though I only had cognizant memories from the last couple years.

Oh God please make it stop. Just put the horse down.


No! We rally!

Well, probably not, but you gotta believe. I vaguely recall the Team with the Racially Insensitive name that plays near Lake Erie coming back for like, 10 runs in Seattle. But that was 2001. I think. Or it was the other way around. I really don't know of which I speak.

Seeing the pontoon out there to try and get a complete games makes me angry



What did we learn? Boof's black magic of succumbing to the big inning seems to be rubbing off on the other starters. The occasional gopherball is OK, but not when there are people on base. But I have a feeling they'll bounce back and beat Padilla (not the terrorist) tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


What is a Quality Start?


As you know, I watch Jeopardy! a lot. Maybe you didn't know that. I always think "Oh I could so do that" between handfuls of Trader Joe's dried apricots (at least in this one instance), but then I don't take into account the fact that it's harder than it looks. You have to buzz in right and you're on stage and there's like, real money at stake, so maybe just confidently blurting out the answers isn't gonna actually get you anything? Unless you're Rosario Dawson in White Men Can't Jump.

Oh yeah, anyway, after a long game with many pitchers last night (Bon Jovi as a PH?) we could really use a quality start tonight.

Anyway, let's watch some baseball.


Oooh! Lobster on Good Eats!

All we need is a pitcher named Embers, Cracker Barrel and Waffle House, and we'd have the roadside diner thing pretty much covered. Call up Dan Ponderosa!

And he'll be squaring off against Johnny Mathis. It's not for me to saaaaay

Haha, at first I thought the Treasure Island scouting report that said Ponderosa has shown "poise" on the mound, and at first I saw "pois" which sounds delicious. I like what I'm seeing!


Ooh, rolling out a lobster leg with a rolling pin gets the meat out. I had a pet lobster once for a few weeks. Then we ate it. My roommate and I were horrible people at the S-J-U.

Triples, speed on the basepaths, Baltimore Chops and run production? Is this 2001 with Guzman and Rivas?

Oh dear, I'm already giddy. If Dr Neau hits a dinger here, it'd be shades of 2006.

Yeah, the Walker: Texas Rangers respect the Kubel

TOP 2, TXR 0 MNT 2

Hm, I feel that whenever Candyland Chutes and Ladders hits against us he always gets on base.

I like that I don't get a chance to say a lot when the Twins are pitching.

Bonus Good Eats! Scallops! Yum.


Sorry, but a guacamole dinner called.

Also, tonight's beer: Frugal Joe's Ordinary Beer. Clever packaging won me over. Brewed in lovely New Ulm Minnesota!

Singles, walks, patience at the plate; I like. But I'm not gonna say this is the beginning of a new page - this is Johnny Mathis' first start, after all.

Feel-ding skillz, Kinsler haz them.

I like the fact that I'm not seeing Gomez swing at pitches low and away so much.

Well, rock and roll. Knocked the starter out.

Ha, true, Laurel. I know Bon Jovi, as far as pitchers go, is one of the better ones, but still, that's not something you expect to see. Were you in an all you can eat seat?

How many times has Salamander been to the mound now?

The Twins are on pace for 27 runs


Hey, thanks for proving me wrong about always being on base, Sorry! Aggravation

This Glen Perkins guy, he's the new square real fair deal.


Cuddy wuz robbed!

Let's hope this is one of those games where they take an inning off from scoring. Still on pace to score 22.5 runs


Glen Ponderosa has a sort of erotic tongue lick before he throws the ball.




Glen Ponderosa is Cruisin USA... or is it World? Or does anybody even know what I'm talking about anymore?


Oh fuck nuggets. It's just not a Twins game unless there's a GIDP or 7


Boggle Guess Who is up. I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher. I get 11 points on the word "quagmire."

It'd be great if Salamander could hit a ground ball at one of the infielders. That would be just superfantastiche.

Well... at least Sars is looking pretty effective here


TRUE FACT: Kubel is good at the game of baseball

How many 3B is that for Young? Oh, 4. Thanks Bert.


Doobie, doobie doo


I'm at the point where I want the game to just be over. I'm such a terrible fan. But I wouldn't if I were at the Metrodome. I'm getting nostalgic for Minnesota. Le sigh.


Hey, my mom called! Have a good night!


Seriously, when Mom calls, I talk

Monday, May 19, 2008




What's going on, party people? I see the Nachos Rancheros are up 2 to 1, and because BOOOOOOOOF is pitching, I assume that means all of those runs are from gopherballs.

Then I see him throw a 4-pitch inning. That's pretty good.

Hey, I like robots, do you like robots? I'll post videos with robots in them periodically, yeah?


It's a good thing, being a disappointment in other peoples' lives and them disappointing me, that the Rubik's Kubel comes through with a knock when he needs to. Of course, he didn't go to SOUVENIR CITY! But perhaps later

Speaking of Souvenir City, I have to say that BBTN is more enjoyable lately, the guys seem to have more fun, and crack wise at each other. Crack wise. I'm 80 and your grandpa. Could it be the noticeable absence of Karl Marx Ravich?

People who live in the MPS, is there a building sentiment against Joe Vavra? I don't know the pulse, but yeah, the bats, they are silent

I'm about to curse.

Double-fuck you, Your player is straight bollocks. I miss Casilla's home run because of you? How often is that going to happen? About as often as Jason Renyt Tyner, I bet.

Alright, chill heem, just be happy the good guys are up 4-2 now.


I'm forced to watch the crappy stream from, so that's awesome. This is why I pay for premium!

Frank Catalanatto is from Long Island. I remember Michael Kay irritatingly saying that when he was with the BJs.

Kubel is also with leather! Salta- Slama- Salamander's fly ball died in the wind. Kidding! There's no wind! But wait till there is and there's no roof and everybody's fingers freeze and then the Discovery Channel has to do a special where Survivorman eats an anteater atop the baggie. Don't let that happen.


People keep emailing me asking for a link exchange. Hey blogpeople, why does this happen? How does find out about this blog and think there should be a link exchange? They probably make money doing this. To me, a link exchange is changing armor in Zelda games.

Anyway, in re: the baseball game - fuck buttons.


Fuck Buttons is actually the name of a... band. We'll say a... difficult band. OK, a noise band. Here, if you dare:

Bonser's looking a-pretty-pretty good, not gonna lie. Some good fielding behind him though. Notice I didn't call it defense. Because I'm a purist! Blah blah Buzz Bissinger computers are taking us over!


Congratulations to Mr. Jon Lester. A no-hitter's nothing to sneeze at, and I always root for cancer survivors. For my next controversial statement of the night: kittens are cute.

Also congratulations to Mr. Dlmon Yung, on his first triple of the season. You're getting closer to why the Twins picked you up! Keep trying!


Bert waxes philosophical about the transient nature of positions, starts, at bats, and Ray-moan Ortiz. He's like a modern day Schopenhauer. Except clearly not as depressed.

I heard Brendan Boggs drank 60 beers on a cross-country flight!

"You want to get into the 7th, 8th, 9th inning." True, Bert, but do you know what inning Jack Morris wants? The 10th, baby!

Franis Giacomo Catalanotto almost made me have some anger salad, but it barely went foul. I assume Giacomo is his middle name.


Now I understand why people drink Listerine.

But I believe in Guerrierrierrierrierrierrierr

You know how I like to talk about things other than baseball during tense moments, right? Did you also know I sometimes read books? It's true! If you'd like a recommendation for your summer novel, check out anything by Edward Abbey, but especially The Monkey Wrench Gang, especially if you're into ecological sabotage. And maybe you are, but don't tell me or anybody else!

I get the impression that when they go to Coomer it's the realization by Dick that they haven't talked to him in 3 innings. It's like that friend, you know the one, that you always forget to invite out. It's not that you don't like that friend, they just always slipped your mind. That's Coomer.

Guerrierr comes through! Of course he does!


Hey, it's Everyday Eddie Guardado! Or as Jon Miller would say in the playoffs, Guadardo.

Oh, Twingo. Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, I miss you. I feel so far away in the Commonwealth of Virginia

Nibbish, you're right about Young, don't get me wrong, I don't mind the high average, but we're loooking for a bit of power here, right?


I would be on my 8th nachos right now.

And beginning to look like Mexican Independence Day, but perhaps a little less jowl-y. I mean seriously.

That's the first time I've heard Reyes' voice, and it's awesome.

I feel Brandonsmash coming on. I'll explain that later when it subsides, but I'll say it has something to do with my friend BK

Well, I suppose the timing is about right, because I have to take off for a cocktail with some friends before they leave the country tomorrow. This does not bode well.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Back From The Grave


Well I'm done. It's submitted approved, electronically stored, and you can't see it for 3 years! Whee! Not that anybody's looking but... y'know.

And I've been partying here, DC, and everywhere in between. Yep, including Ironto, Roanoke, Salem, Buena Vista, Lexington, Staunton, Harrisonburg, Front Royal and not really I'm kidding.

So what's going on here? Roy Halladay huh? Should be awesome.


RK: I just want to start this game by noting that even I was kind of surprised at myself when I downloaded a best of Level 42 album

WV: Nice, I like your game. Boof vs. Halladay, I like these odds.

RK: Odds of a 4-inning start?

WV: Those odds have to be pretty good, and that means we'll have an endemic Sars plague later on.

RK: Remember when people took SARS seriously in the late '90s?

WV: Ah yes, the days off $2 gas.

RK: Que the hell? Why is Casilla playing short? He can't play second!

WV: Sand Castle just toppled... How about a 2 inning start?

RK: It's what the starters have been doing lately, get all the runs out during the first

WV: The ghost of Brad Radke haunts us all. Me, I've picked up an urge to go fishing.

RK: I wonder what Eric Milton is up to

WV: My hamstring suddenly hurts.

RK: Big K for Boof

WV: Having watched Rios watch a third strike down the middle of the plate, Casilla mistakenly believes he's reverted to the Lacanian mirror stage.

RK: They can't touch each other or they'd breach the parallax gap

WV: What do you think of this?:

RK: I have much love for Renyt, but really, you hit one home run and that's earning your stripes?

WV: I'd like to think that my not so savory ex-girlfriends think the same thing about me.

RK: You have got to be kidding me

WV: Well then.

RK: I'm about ready to jump off the Boof wagon

WV: Between Kubel and Boof, I'm going to jump off somebody's wagon pretty quick here.

RK: I'll remain loyal to the Rubik's Kubel


RK: I have to quibble with the Treasure Island scouting report on Mr. Halladay. They claim the Twins have never beaten him, but I could have sworn that Mr. Santana did just that in early 2003. Perhaps Halladay didn't take the loss

WV: Perhaps not. But I like Toblerone's spirit

RK: His tough toffee center shows through

WV: Justin the nick of time! Pull Boof before it's too late!

RK: Good Lord, now THAT's a Baltimore Chop if Cuddy can get to first on it...
Who doubts the Rubik's Kubel? WHO?!

WV: On the list of things I didn't expect to happen....

RK: He's trying to out-Boof Boof

WV: All of this offense has me a bit flushed.

RK: Final score on current track: 36-27

TOP 2ND, BJs 4 TC 3

WV: Boof will be fine for 4 or 5 innings and then everyone will sing his praises for battling back.

RK: Setting the bar low? It's the Hillary Rodham Clinton-slash-RK method of everyday life

WV: You're a better public speaker though, don't set the bar THAT low.

RK: I've given guest lectures at real universities! And not just for hard-working *white* people!

WV: As if Virginia needed yet another reason to disapprove of their Western brethren.

RK: But seriously, I hope WVa paves their roads soon


RK: Telly! How I've missed you! Thanks Stacey, though I've already signed up for classes next year, so it's kind of a weird "graduation."

WV: I would put 3 K's in a row to signal that the side struck out but uh...


RK: Young made that look harder than it was. Stacey, that was the plan, just not here. But the offer I got at Tech was the same monetary amount as a school in New York City, so that became an easy choice.

WV: If Twins starters could just mulligan the first innings, they'd be the best staff in the league


RK: Music suggestion - We Are Scientists; "Brain Thrust Mastery"

WV: This is baseball. Can't be throwing the ball around the field, Toronto.

RK: What do you call someone from Toronto? I vote for "Torontula"

WV: Torontella?

RK: Aaaand we're tied

RK: Jack Morris and Bert are waxing eternal about pitchers completing games

WV: See old Jack didn't just complete games, he went 12 innings, bitch. That line drive is a microcosm of Kubel's career thus far.

RK: He had a good rip earlier in the game, I stay committed


WV: So Halladay has a lower ERA than Livan but he's 3 and 5. Chew on that.

RK: Just goes to show you how meaningless W-L is for a pitcher's worth

WV: Right

RK: Challah day is probably a better pitcher, but what can you do?

WV: Lamb has got the "I'm really slow so I have to dive a lot but that tricks Dick into thinking I'm a good fielder" thing going on.

RK: 3B is an awfully reactive position anyway, so he can cheat a bit

WV: Remember when our whole pitching staff didn't walk people?

RK: That was awesome

WV: Let's see if Boof can hit 100 pitches by the end of this inning.

RK: Welp

WV: Maybe Boof is the answer to our bullpen problems.

RK: He'd be a good long man. Stacey, I generally don't think much of facial hair on anybody - it rarely works. I feel like with a name like Verlander, if you can't grow a huge Van Dyke, don't bother

WV: This game is giving me a headache


RK: Dlmon Young should have just been grateful for the bloop single

WV: Ugly


RK: Uh... Another 80s video then?


This game is definitely warping space across time


You tell us something interesting, hm?


RK: We appreciate Madness too, Stacey, as fans of ska, we like to occasionally go back to some of the 3rd wave origins

WV: I was always more of a Specials man myself, but Madness has their moments.

RK: But going even farther back, I still put my iPod to the Skatelites

WV: Gosh, I wish we woulda gone after Scott Rolen.

RK: 6 of Lamb, half a dozen of Rolen


RK: It's a Joowan appearance!

WV: Nice recovery by the small sandcastle


WV: Now if we could just get him and Go[m]ez on base at the same time.

RK: It'd be like Guzman and Rivas of old

WV: Mother---

RK: I'm having a hard time paying attention. I'm getting a dog in a few months and I'm looking at breeds

WV: Really? What are you leaning towards?

RK: I think a pug is on top, but the bulldog not far behind


RK: After that throw, I'm going on blogstrike

WV: I'll join you, mostly because I have to go to the airport.

RK and/or WV: Tut tut, Twins. Tut tut.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


The Dirty Truth

I'm not abandoning you guys, I promise. But let me tell you the insidious nature of this self-flagellation some people call "graduate school."

- As you know, I've defended my thesis. That doesn't mean it's "done," and in fact I'm making revisions

- When I submit it to the grad school for publication (which you can't see for 3 years! Nobody's taking my research!) I have two weeks to make edits and changes THEY think I need doing.

Getting it defended? That's only the start. But it seems our boys are winning when we don't blog, so what does that say? Nothing, it's a coincidence, and correlation doesn't prove cause!

Friday, May 02, 2008


I Don't Know Much

And neither does Aaron Neville. But whatever. As WV alluded to earlier, I did successfully defend my thesis on Wednesday and have been non-stop with the family wholesome partying since then. These defense panels are no joke! So no game for me tonight, kiddos, I've got beer pong on patios to think about


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?