Monday, March 31, 2008


A New Era


We begin anew. I know what you're thinking: "How will we win any games without him?" "He was the heart and soul of this team!" and "It's getting close to dinner time. For what am I hungry?"

But we have to let him go.

So long, sweet prince. A flock of angels sing thee to thy second home run.

"This lemonade is pretty good - oh, I should work on my power stroke?"

It's the end of the Tyner Era.

But don't get nostalgic: Jason Bartlett's not walking through that door, So-and-so Pirdie's not walking through that door, Lew Ford's not walking through that door (he teleports through the interwebs), Dustan Mohr's not walking through that door.

But we do have some mashers. And some young pitchers. And guys battling their tail off and playing small ball and doing the right thing and putting chives on their baked potatoes and understand that a kiwi has more Vitamin C than an orange (true fact).

Maybe the summer won't go their way without Tyner's leadership and slap singles. Maybe we'll just surprise the hell out of everybody and take off. Hey, the Tigers have already lost once, and the Cleveland Native Americans/Bitch Sox game didn't look good once the bullpens came out.

Just think, young ones, as we dish out nicknames and say inappropriate things, that if you say "Renyt Tyner" 3 times into a mirror with the lights out, Gordon Lightfoot will appear behind you. Uh... no more NASCAR, ESPN2! Today's baseball! LET'S GO.


RK: So uh, 6 inches of snow. Good call with not putting a roof in the new stadium

WV: Either way the outfielders are going to lose pop flies in a blanket of whiteness

RK: It's the Walker Cherry Spoon! Must be the only landmark in MSP

WV: Minnehaha Falls will be so offended to hear that

RK: Jon Miller is pissing on the HHH Metrodome. Thanks Matt. Good to be back, good to have baseball back, good for most things that include the word "back."

RK: And Joe Morgan: Reliably Zombie-looking Since As Long As I Can Remember

WV: Jon Miller can't keep up with the on-screen graphics. He'll get to the #9 hitter by about the 3rd inning

RK: I'm sold! First out - World Series Champs

WV: If you squint Livan could pass for Jack Morris

RK: Oh yeah, we're gonna call Livan Bon Jovi. In the interest of a clearer etymology, it goes thusly: Livan Hernandez = Livan on a Prayer = Bon Jovi

WV: Christ, our team has more personnel turnover than a Starbucks

RK: 1-2-3 on 6 pitches - could it the return of the ghost of the spectre of 2005 Carlos Silva?


RK: "Key losses: Torii Hunter and Johan Santana." Apparently, ESPN doesn't read this

WV: "it's the case where both parties...err..both teams,". Joe Morgan, concerned that his argot was getting too specialized for our small brains

RK: I go to parties and drink fuckin' Jagerbombs

WV: Golly Sinn Fein, we sure do miss you more than Johan

RK: Not to quibble Joe, but don't we want good hitters in every slot in the order? 2nd or 3rd, this is still Global Warming here


WV: Chairman Mauer: Got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth. Gimme your heart make it real, or else forget about it

RK: Brings a tear to my eye to think of that song. I think I remember pretending to like it so a girl would think I was deep and make out with me

WV: Frozen ropes down the middle of the plate aren't Cuddy's style

RK: He just wants to see all young Weaver has to offer

RK: Do you suppose, in the spirit of Ray-Moan Ortiz, John Gordon has been calling Livan Lye-Van?

WV: I wouldn't doubt it, unless Dazzle has him going on about Polaris snowmobiles

RK: Or some kind of bock beer. Patience from Morneau is good to see

WV: Delmon, or in the spirit of his brother, Dlmon Young, however, shows no such virtue

RK: Weaver's not looking good. He keeps hanging breaking balls like that... when Craig Monroe was up I thought it was Hoverboard for a minute. I was ready to call the whole damn thing off


WV: So RK, would you be cheering or winding up for a dome dog special?

RK: Not gonna lie, I'd cheer. I like Gardy's take: "I love him dearly. That said, I hope he goes 0-16"

WV: A lack of plate discipline? There's plenty more where that came from, Mr. Soscia

RK: Bon Jovi has only thrown 4 pitches so far this game. That's a true fact

WV: Yeah, but who says you can't (throw) home

RK: Why are you punishing our reader(s)?

WV: The same reason I'll bore legions of young scholars for the next few decades

RK: Touche.


RK: Y'know what we need more of? Media coverage of the Yankees

WV: Any reason Kubel's not in against the righty?

RK: Have you seen Mike Lamb's salary? Because I haven't. Maybe they don't either. Maybe they thought they had resigned David Lamb... Hey, Harris is a PoliSci person outta Virginia? We should hang out


WV: You two can go on about negative dialectics and its relation to a .000 batting average

RK: In the end everything is reduced to zero. I don't think Adorno would approve of our discussion

WV: Polaris...Bon Jovi...Gordon Lightfoot. Good gracious, we're our fathers

RK: Let's get it all out: Lucky Strikes, cheap gas, AM radio

WV: All this talk about 50 year olds is really a tribute to Bon Jovi. OVER THE LINE!

RK: Well... Non-Model Guy has a decent arm

WV: He was more out than Zubaz

RK: Out like Pogs

WV: Even Joe Morgan saw it

RK: Usually all he sees are brains

WV: Gary Matthews Jr., the 100 million dollar catch

RK: I swear I just saw Tyner in the stands drinking a beer

WV: Renyt works at Blockbuster now

RK: No more late fees.


RK: Is the moniker Speedy Go[m]ez still racist? Hell of an infield hit, with shades of Punto with the head-first slide into first.

WV: Andale, Andale, Arriba

RK: ... I guess I'll ask around.

WV: This sliding into first will not do.

RK: It's not faster!

WV: That wasn't a stolen base on a pitchout was it

RK: Oh yes it was. Cuddy, I'm at a loss for words

WV: Oh God, I'm having 2007 flashbacks, with this inability to get runners in


RK: Free seats, whatever, we get it: the view up there sucks, the Metrodome sucks, my childhood sucks, etc.

WV: There's something philosophical about sitting behind the curtain free of charge

RK: Johns Rawls's Veil of Ignorance

WV: Hockey comparison in 5 4 3 2 1

RK: That's like a goalie! He must be from Canadia or something. Whadda double play!


WV: Whoa Bra, it's like hella snowing our bra, I can't pitch in this bra

RK: I could watch Vlad chase down fly balls all day with that gait of his. Heeheehee

WV: What do we have against RISPs

RK: Them and their smug bourgeois values

WV: March, in like a lion, out like a Lamb

RK: Bite yer tongue!

WV: Harris' RBI single had the sweet smell of not being associated with LNP

RK: He's our new Phil Nevin

WV: Shhh, don't scare him

RK: Oh my head. I suppose that's a tit-for-tat double play


WV: Aren't you happy you fled to a coast having seen that shot of Nicolett Mall?

RK: I thought that was part of the Walker

WV: If it's not the cherry on the spoon I get confused

RK: It's all ESPN shows. It must be. Quod Erat Demonstrandum

WV: KC Crotch Man is Livan's worst enemy today

RK: I thought we were talking about Mike Sweeney for a second

WV: Death by a thousand singles

RK: Come on, Bon Jovi

WV: Oh Mike Soscia, way to adapt and tell your hitters Bon Jovi's been throwing softly thrown junk

RK: That's the second-best outcome we could have had this inning with the double play on a bases loaded 0 out situation

WV: It's like wanting the prom queen but getting her shy but not unattractive and somewhat more intelligent sister

RK: And you realize that this is what you wanted all along. So basically, baseball is like a John Cusack movie?

WV: Exactly

RK: Oh, I guess it's not Greg Maddux up there, I guess Bon Jovi shouldn't try to nibble the corners. "Livan... Livan Rodriguez" Nice work Joe Morgan. You probably thought "Latino player... 50/50."

WV: Good thing he caught it, I wouldn't want Vlad Gomez to have a chance


RK: Arriba!!

WV: Speedy Gomez it is. I speak Spanish, it's ok. It's not like I'm an Anti-Dentite. He totally could've scored

RK: Cuddy needed the RBI

WV: Unlike Sandcastle, he actually scores

RK: I'm literally holding my breath. The meat of the order needs to be more meaty. The schnozzberries should taste more like schnozzberries


WV: Vlad is a downright Buffalo Soldier

RK: Kayla, probably not. I'm sure it's not an original idea, but we're happy to support the hive mind

WV: Delmon has to rehearse to make those charging catches seem nonchalant

RK: Fly ball pitchers always make me nervous. Stay down, Bon Jovi!


RK: Thanks EMH, I have no idea how to speak German. But I've read Immanuel Kant

WV: WFT was Monroe skipping to 1st?

RK: NOT RUNNING HARD. Oh haternation, don't hate so much. It's a bizniss

WV: That's the centerfielder's call right?

RK: Whoops! Can't lose it in the ceiling, right Sinn Fein? *snicker snicker*

WV: Sinn Fein lets the bomb drop

RK: Beatsie Boys known to let the beat...

WV: Deeeerrrrop




WV: You know, a former left handed pitcher of ours also went 7 innings and gave up 2 ER today

RK: What do you suppose the odds are makes a "dreamweaver" pun about tonight?

WV: I'm liking the odds

RK: Such pedestrian verbiage

WV: Joe Mauer will never be The Natural until he hits a homerun into the center field lights after his slighted lover stabs him in the gut

RK: That's happened to me. I'm surprised you didn't know that.



WV: "the problem with somebody with a funky motion, as we say...". Oh Joe, you and your big words again!

RK: He also brings the noise. Thank you Kayla, spread the good word

WV: "Anytime you win a World Series or a Super Bowl, you're pretty good." I'm sorry this is just over my head

RK: He and Madden... just think of it

WV: Welcome to the Metrodome!

RK: Yeesh

WV: Ron Gardenhire got skinnier, if Jon Miller's right

RK: And why would we think otherwise?



WV: Odd seeing the Royals with a winning record

RK: What a great game that was. The Rubik's Kubel!

WV: At least one of the tripartite Jason monster is still alive

RK: Maybe he'll spawn like the hydra

WV: Today has been a shining example of why the Metrodome is an entertaining and pragmatic baseball venue

RK: It's a version of the Real

WV: Gardy just didn't have the heart to keep LNP out

RK: Just don't scare him. Adam Everett, trying his best to do his 2003 Pierzynski

WV: Insurance is overrated. That's Adam Everett's stand. How about yours?


WV: Well we paid Dr. Neau a bunch of money and he's gone 0 for 4, so let's hope Twitch n' Pitch doesn't follow suit

RK: Justine is a slow starter

WV: You think Nathan knew Torii would swing at the first pitch? ... and the second

RK: Empirical data

WV: Maybe he can get the 3rd out in a similar fashion...idealist

RK: Oh Gawwwwd

WV: Dougy Baseball woulda had it



WV: The post-Tyner era starts out with a bang

RK: So, this is pretty much the ideated version of the Twins. 7 IP from the starter, Neshek bridges to a flawless Nathan

WV: Textbook. And I'd like to think that on the nickname front, we too had a fruitful opening day.

RK: We're making headway here. God I love baseball.

Sunday, March 30, 2008


Play Ball!

I always hear the robot voice of one of my favorite NES games, BaseWars when I hear that.

Play ball, motorcycle wheelie deathbot! If you put in TERMINATOR 02 in the EDIT B team, all your players are Bonds jacked up. Where were we?

Oh yeah. Hi everybody, we're RK and WV, and we run this here blog. If you haven't been here before, what we try to do is liveblog each game and try not to focus too much on the game, instead making inside jokes, obfuscating player nicknames, and discussing continental philosophy. Let us appropriate some of the current political climate and make fun of it, delegitimization for everyone!


RK was born in Hawaii on August 4th, 1961. His father, RK Sr., was born and raised in a small village in Kenya, where he grew up herding goats with his own father, who was a domestic servant to the British. RK's mother, Ann Dunham, grew up in small-town Kansas. Her father worked on oil rigs during the Depression, and then signed up for World War II after Pearl Harbor, where he marched across Europe in Patton's army. Her mother went to work on a bomber assembly line, and after the war, they studied on the G.I. Bill, bought a house through the Federal Housing Program, and moved west to Hawaii.


WV was raised in a middle-class family in the middle of America. From that classic suburban childhood in Park Ridge, Illinois, WV went on to become one of America's foremost advocates for children and families; an attorney twice voted one of the most influential in America; a First Lady of Arkansas who helped transform the schools; a bestselling author; a First Lady for America who helped transform that role, becoming a champion for health care and families at home and a champion of women's rights and human rights around the world.

So y'know, pick one of us over the other, or whoever emerges victorious! Or you could just go for that other blogger...

But seriously folks, you'll get to know us all too well... more than you ever wanted to know as the season progresses. I'm excited about baseball, now lets watch some young guys defy expectations.



Or opening night. I can't keep these things straight anymore. Coupled with home openers, next you're going to tell me there's some magical "International date line" that people can cross and play opening day games in Japan!

Christmas lasting 48 hours? Blogger please.

So if it feels like opening day has lasted about a week.... it's because it has.

In the same spirit:

I'm close to it being opening day on the next quarter-century period of my life

Every day is opening day for someone in recovery. Think about it.

Somewhere, it's opening day for a Wal-Mart. Closing day for local stores soon to follow! Oops, sorry, I'll redouble my efforts not to let politics come in here. I just recently visited my parents in their tiny Nebraskan town where there are almost no more downtown shops and the Wal-Mart pulses like some sort of L'Engelian leviathan. Alliteration and young adult lit? I'm in prime form, people.

Not that I really care what you call it, right? I mean, as long as the season gets underway, I don't care if you start it in February on the moon. I don't have any connection to Cincinnati - who cares if they used to be the place the season started? I used to have blue hair, and we can all agree that was a bad idea.

I just get greedy. I don't want to have to watch Atlanta in DC. Boring. I want 13 other games! I want doubleheaders, day games, night games, intramural games, ugly Sunday uniform games, and however they organize things on that time warp of a vortex that is the west coast!

In re: post below - we're right about baseball about as often as Joe Morgan, so we'll try to limit ourselves in the predictive department and stick to our guns - off-color remarks, colorful invective, and junior high nostalgia.


I want this season to start. I don't have high expectations, but I'm ready for some baseball in my life. You know the feeling. That said, I have

1. A monstrous thesis to finish
2. to move in July

These are the only conceivable roadblocks I can see to consistent roadblocks. Other contingencies, exigencies, emergencies, and etymologies:

1. Social life
2. Summer job

1 looks unlikely, but I also have no idea what I'll be doing for work this summer. Sitting by the pool sounds nice, but is so far a bleak career option.

OK, enough tickling and teasing. A proper reintroduction forthcoming, hopefully today.


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