Tuesday, October 06, 2009
The AL Central Must Be Defended
PREGAME
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The one time "El Niño" isn't referring to straight-line winds
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Oh Hi Evening Game
PREGAME
Tonight's post title is from the cosmically bad 2005 film "The Room." Go ahead and watch what happens when a dude gets 6 million to make a film just because. WV might be stopping by tonight, so who knows? If anybody here wants to write a 2 page reaction to Foucault's "Abnormal" series of lectures at the College de France - feel free. OK we're good. Any other responsibilities I can dump on you people? No? Let's begin.
TOP 1ST
Just glad we have Dick and Bert again for the night game.
God Verlander is a good pitcher. Seriously. Would you not want this guy on your team?
Hey Ordonez still plays for the Tigers huh?
There's that commercial again that assumes the Tigers will be in the playoffs! Oh, Cassandra, your wise voice so oft ignored.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dunston checks in looking OK so far... well for all of 1 batter
WV: If Verlander is like the hot cheerleader, Dunston is the farm girl with wide hips perfect for child bearing.
RK: Which is necessary for social reproduction of labor
WV: If Polanco were on our team, he'd be in a distant third behind Casilla and Gomez for thickest goatee.
RK: D-Span caught that like college kids are catching Swine Flu
RK: ... Meaning of course, sexily
TOP 2ND
WV: At Leland Stanford Jr. University we have a first week tradition where the seniors make out with the freshman on the quad. It was somewhat toned down this year.
RK: At Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University there's a first week tradition where everybody gets blind drunk, and that tradition continues for the rest of the year
RK: Verlander touches 97 like it's nothing
WV: That guy in the stands wearing the Jeremy Bonderman jersey must be lonely.
RK: His buddy with the Mike Maroth jersey couldn't make it
WV: That's bad karma, I'm surprised they let him in.
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I don't think that Verlander has thrown anything besides a fastball yet.
RK: Why would you? He's blowing it by them
WV: Well, as Derek Zoolander would say, there's more to life than being hot. He was being sarcastic of course.
RK: Iceman! Spleets!
RK: Well shit.
WV: That was like batting practice. Well the joke is still on Detroit because to get Cabrera they had to take Dontrelle Willis too.
RK: Scott Baker should be taking notes about how to avoid the big inning
WV: Give 'em an Inge, they hit into a double play.
RK: This could be the result of a Miner flaw they had last game
TOP 3RD, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Well, we play best when Detroit jumps out to a 1-0 lead.
RK: The Dutchman is pitching well though
RK: See that wasn't even fair what he did to Punto
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
WV: It's a shame we can't bring the roof of the dome with us on roadtrips.
RK: So how about a 30 minute rain delay?
WV: I just discovered why the Wii's blue light randomly comes on from time to time. I say this to you nintendo: I'll download your system update when I damn well feel like it
RK: Yeah, don't cave to the New World Order of unified world government
WV: Hmmm
RK: Oh dear.
WV: So how about winning the next 2?
RK: The game is still young.
TOP 4TH, TIGERS UP 3-0
RK: You know it's been a while since Kubel pounded one... but that'll work too, I guess. Boy, not a lot going on there worth typing about.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: Shit, would you believe a double?
RK: And then an infield hit?
WV: Well, when you get down to it, we're starting some guy named Duensing against Justin Verlander. Maybe if we put in Keppel now he won't start on Friday.
RK: Then it would fall to Manship or Liriano and there's your problem
WV: You just grab life by the throat and shake it like a bartender mixing a martini.
RK: Dodge!
RK: Let's see some of that offensive prowess you had last year, Neverhit
WV: If he squeezes his eyes shut and swings with total abandon, he might just hit a shallow pop fly to the outfield.
RK: Pretty close!
TOP 5TH, SAME
WV: But let me ask you this: Do you have what it takes to be an umpire?
RK: I'm not going to Compton to find out!
WV: Because if you go to that camp, they teach you to dodge fastballs by sending you into Compton wearing a red uniform.
RK: Oh I thought I was watching a show about catching big fish, but really it was just Delmon Young flailing at the plate
WV: As frustrating as this is, it's rather entertaining watching this guy pitch.
RK: I know, this guy is a hell of a pitcher, period
BOTTOM 5T, SAME
WV: I am intrigued by the role that balance balls play in umpiring a major league baseball game.
RK: I'd file it under one of those "oh shit we're charging them a bunch of money we have to make them do something"
RK: Adding and subtracting Bert - I get it
WV: Yeah he's really hammering that home tonight.
RK: Hey didn't Gardy look like a ray of sunshine there popping out of the dugout
WV: Ok then.
RK: Game... is still... young?
WV: You have to expect that Keppel will give up a couple of runs just to warm up, he'll be fine now.
RK: So long as it's out of his system
TOP 6TH, TIGERS UP A MILLION
RK: The 6th inning magic that I may be making up should make an appearance
RK: Span the Bran Muffin got lucky there, just cold goin' for two.
WV: Well, it's either this or Ace of Cakes, so I'm going to keep watching Verlander strike us out.
RK: It's time for Mauer to get a hit today
RK: How is this freak of nature hitting 98 in the 6th?
WV: I got a generic bake and rise pizza for dinner, so no matter what happens today there will be a silver lining. Prettay pret-tay pretty good
RK: That's how I feel every day with my Magic Bullet blender. I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to make pizza with it
WV: Oh for sure
RK: Not gonna lie though; the juicer sucks
WV: Who drinks juice anyway
RK: Not I, Caesar
WV: I imagine Leyland will let Verlander throw 150 pitches tonight.
RK: Oh yeah for sure
BOTTOM 6TH, 5-2 LOS TIGRES
WV: Well, if you think of it as 3-0, it doesn't seem so terrible.
RK: Right, but they can't give up any more either
WV: Bert just had to get his spanglish-ized pronunciation of Nick Punto into the broadcast
RK: He heard a soccer announcer yell "Gol!" once on Telemundo and it really stuck
WV: He probably wasn't paying attention during the WBC when the Dutch played Italy. Or, he thinks that they speak Spanish in Italy
RK: Are you kidding me with that catch?
WV: Prretttty, pretty good
RK: Pretty soon we'll just see Mauer charging up into the stands like a bull, leaping row upon row
WV: Leyland: Hey come on, throw me out, I need a smoke. Mauer will be for whom the bell tolls.
RK: Jesse Crain warming up? Awesome?
RK: I know I shouldn't be so nervous - something tells me this game is a lost cause, and yet, and yet I can't let go that Joe Mauer will hit a grand slam. Could totes happen.
TOP 7TH, SAME
WV: Well that inning didn't do much to inflate Verlander's pitch count
RK: Huh, hey well that took 13 seconds
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Well hello Jesse Crain from 2006
TOP 8TH, SAME
RK: D-Span 2: Book TV getting it done late
WV: And if there were ever a time for Mauer Power, it is now.
RK: Well back to back RsBI from Mauer and Kubel will do too. Within 1! Must not get excited. Getting light-headed and numb and mouth-tingly.
WV: Surprised they're not pitch running for Kubel
RK: Well a base hit scores anybody, right?
WV: You'd think so
WV: That might have been the pitch.
RK: Nah, too far outside. We'll see how it shakes out against Rodney
WV: Alright, well they've at least validated our continued watching of the game
BOTTOM 8TH, 5-4 TIGERS
WV: Well fuck
RK: This darkens my mood considerably
WV: And Detroit celebrates like they've all got jobs again
RK: Hello 2008 Matt Guerrier
TOP 9TH, TWINS DOWN 2
RK: Well, let's see if the bottom of the lineup can do something here
WV: I guess Mike Redmond is as good as gone huh?
RK: I think it's safe to say
WV: I really wish that Tolbert and Punto weren't the next two hitters. Morneau and his fractured back would give us a better shot here.
RK: It'll be left to Punto
WV: Punto's gotta be due for a homerun right....RIGHT!?????
RK: Derp
WV: Huh.
WV: That dinger last inning sure is a bummer.
RK: Yeah I'm not sure I like this "Granderson" fellow
WV: Or this Raburn guy.
PREGAME
WV: Well what're you gonna do, the next two are winnable
Tonight's post title is from the cosmically bad 2005 film "The Room." Go ahead and watch what happens when a dude gets 6 million to make a film just because. WV might be stopping by tonight, so who knows? If anybody here wants to write a 2 page reaction to Foucault's "Abnormal" series of lectures at the College de France - feel free. OK we're good. Any other responsibilities I can dump on you people? No? Let's begin.
TOP 1ST
Just glad we have Dick and Bert again for the night game.
God Verlander is a good pitcher. Seriously. Would you not want this guy on your team?
Hey Ordonez still plays for the Tigers huh?
There's that commercial again that assumes the Tigers will be in the playoffs! Oh, Cassandra, your wise voice so oft ignored.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dunston checks in looking OK so far... well for all of 1 batter
WV: If Verlander is like the hot cheerleader, Dunston is the farm girl with wide hips perfect for child bearing.
RK: Which is necessary for social reproduction of labor
WV: If Polanco were on our team, he'd be in a distant third behind Casilla and Gomez for thickest goatee.
RK: D-Span caught that like college kids are catching Swine Flu
RK: ... Meaning of course, sexily
TOP 2ND
WV: At Leland Stanford Jr. University we have a first week tradition where the seniors make out with the freshman on the quad. It was somewhat toned down this year.
RK: At Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University there's a first week tradition where everybody gets blind drunk, and that tradition continues for the rest of the year
RK: Verlander touches 97 like it's nothing
WV: That guy in the stands wearing the Jeremy Bonderman jersey must be lonely.
RK: His buddy with the Mike Maroth jersey couldn't make it
WV: That's bad karma, I'm surprised they let him in.
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I don't think that Verlander has thrown anything besides a fastball yet.
RK: Why would you? He's blowing it by them
WV: Well, as Derek Zoolander would say, there's more to life than being hot. He was being sarcastic of course.
RK: Iceman! Spleets!
RK: Well shit.
WV: That was like batting practice. Well the joke is still on Detroit because to get Cabrera they had to take Dontrelle Willis too.
RK: Scott Baker should be taking notes about how to avoid the big inning
WV: Give 'em an Inge, they hit into a double play.
RK: This could be the result of a Miner flaw they had last game
TOP 3RD, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Well, we play best when Detroit jumps out to a 1-0 lead.
RK: The Dutchman is pitching well though
RK: See that wasn't even fair what he did to Punto
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
WV: It's a shame we can't bring the roof of the dome with us on roadtrips.
RK: So how about a 30 minute rain delay?
WV: I just discovered why the Wii's blue light randomly comes on from time to time. I say this to you nintendo: I'll download your system update when I damn well feel like it
RK: Yeah, don't cave to the New World Order of unified world government
WV: Hmmm
RK: Oh dear.
WV: So how about winning the next 2?
RK: The game is still young.
TOP 4TH, TIGERS UP 3-0
RK: You know it's been a while since Kubel pounded one... but that'll work too, I guess. Boy, not a lot going on there worth typing about.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: Shit, would you believe a double?
RK: And then an infield hit?
WV: Well, when you get down to it, we're starting some guy named Duensing against Justin Verlander. Maybe if we put in Keppel now he won't start on Friday.
RK: Then it would fall to Manship or Liriano and there's your problem
WV: You just grab life by the throat and shake it like a bartender mixing a martini.
RK: Dodge!
RK: Let's see some of that offensive prowess you had last year, Neverhit
WV: If he squeezes his eyes shut and swings with total abandon, he might just hit a shallow pop fly to the outfield.
RK: Pretty close!
TOP 5TH, SAME
WV: But let me ask you this: Do you have what it takes to be an umpire?
RK: I'm not going to Compton to find out!
WV: Because if you go to that camp, they teach you to dodge fastballs by sending you into Compton wearing a red uniform.
RK: Oh I thought I was watching a show about catching big fish, but really it was just Delmon Young flailing at the plate
WV: As frustrating as this is, it's rather entertaining watching this guy pitch.
RK: I know, this guy is a hell of a pitcher, period
BOTTOM 5T, SAME
WV: I am intrigued by the role that balance balls play in umpiring a major league baseball game.
RK: I'd file it under one of those "oh shit we're charging them a bunch of money we have to make them do something"
RK: Adding and subtracting Bert - I get it
WV: Yeah he's really hammering that home tonight.
RK: Hey didn't Gardy look like a ray of sunshine there popping out of the dugout
WV: Ok then.
RK: Game... is still... young?
WV: You have to expect that Keppel will give up a couple of runs just to warm up, he'll be fine now.
RK: So long as it's out of his system
TOP 6TH, TIGERS UP A MILLION
RK: The 6th inning magic that I may be making up should make an appearance
RK: Span the Bran Muffin got lucky there, just cold goin' for two.
WV: Well, it's either this or Ace of Cakes, so I'm going to keep watching Verlander strike us out.
RK: It's time for Mauer to get a hit today
RK: How is this freak of nature hitting 98 in the 6th?
WV: I got a generic bake and rise pizza for dinner, so no matter what happens today there will be a silver lining. Prettay pret-tay pretty good
RK: That's how I feel every day with my Magic Bullet blender. I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to make pizza with it
WV: Oh for sure
RK: Not gonna lie though; the juicer sucks
WV: Who drinks juice anyway
RK: Not I, Caesar
WV: I imagine Leyland will let Verlander throw 150 pitches tonight.
RK: Oh yeah for sure
BOTTOM 6TH, 5-2 LOS TIGRES
WV: Well, if you think of it as 3-0, it doesn't seem so terrible.
RK: Right, but they can't give up any more either
WV: Bert just had to get his spanglish-ized pronunciation of Nick Punto into the broadcast
RK: He heard a soccer announcer yell "Gol!" once on Telemundo and it really stuck
WV: He probably wasn't paying attention during the WBC when the Dutch played Italy. Or, he thinks that they speak Spanish in Italy
RK: Are you kidding me with that catch?
WV: Prretttty, pretty good
RK: Pretty soon we'll just see Mauer charging up into the stands like a bull, leaping row upon row
WV: Leyland: Hey come on, throw me out, I need a smoke. Mauer will be for whom the bell tolls.
RK: Jesse Crain warming up? Awesome?
RK: I know I shouldn't be so nervous - something tells me this game is a lost cause, and yet, and yet I can't let go that Joe Mauer will hit a grand slam. Could totes happen.
TOP 7TH, SAME
WV: Well that inning didn't do much to inflate Verlander's pitch count
RK: Huh, hey well that took 13 seconds
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Well hello Jesse Crain from 2006
TOP 8TH, SAME
RK: D-Span 2: Book TV getting it done late
WV: And if there were ever a time for Mauer Power, it is now.
RK: Well back to back RsBI from Mauer and Kubel will do too. Within 1! Must not get excited. Getting light-headed and numb and mouth-tingly.
WV: Surprised they're not pitch running for Kubel
RK: Well a base hit scores anybody, right?
WV: You'd think so
WV: That might have been the pitch.
RK: Nah, too far outside. We'll see how it shakes out against Rodney
WV: Alright, well they've at least validated our continued watching of the game
BOTTOM 8TH, 5-4 TIGERS
WV: Well fuck
RK: This darkens my mood considerably
WV: And Detroit celebrates like they've all got jobs again
RK: Hello 2008 Matt Guerrier
TOP 9TH, TWINS DOWN 2
RK: Well, let's see if the bottom of the lineup can do something here
WV: I guess Mike Redmond is as good as gone huh?
RK: I think it's safe to say
WV: I really wish that Tolbert and Punto weren't the next two hitters. Morneau and his fractured back would give us a better shot here.
RK: It'll be left to Punto
WV: Punto's gotta be due for a homerun right....RIGHT!?????
RK: Derp
WV: Huh.
WV: That dinger last inning sure is a bummer.
RK: Yeah I'm not sure I like this "Granderson" fellow
WV: Or this Raburn guy.
PREGAME
WV: Well what're you gonna do, the next two are winnable
Dissertations Are Hard
PREGAME
Alright look, as the title suggests, dissertations are hard. I read at least a book a day and write at least a page a day and getting through all the alphabet soup of the world of finance, from CDOs and CDSs in the MBS market to a ROE model for IFVs to purchase IPOs (not only from firms like GS and JPMS), and just why does the PPT exist?
But today, today I'm gonna be a hot mess all day, doubleheader and all. So even though I have plenty of things to do (did you know I am giving a test tomorrow that I have yet to write? I am a bad person), this doubleheader has me glued. I suppose it is comforting to know that a twin killing is not absolutely vital, but if they don't, then every single other game the rest of the season is.
So in a good way, MLB just aired a promo about the Tigers and the postseason. Hubris alert!
Hey I'm not watching this game 2 minutes behind y'all since MLBNetwork is picking up the FSNorth feed. So you wanna hang with me? We still good? Anybody come around here? OK!
TOP 1ST
Did we ever come to a consensus about what Span's nickname oughta be? I like D-Span, Span the Bran Muffin, and uh... well I guess it's between those two.
Looks like Mauer will catch the day game - then moved to DH for the night game? I mean, I don't doubt that Joe Mauer could catch every major league game for every team and still bat .365. Double headers during expanded roster time must be nice for managers.
BOTTOM 1ST
An inauspicious start for Blackburn, and oh dear, these two games are probably (definitely) going to be the death of me.
Honestly, what is wrong withme you?
Watching Dick and Bert on the teevee is really making me nostalgic for way back when I lived in Minnesota. I won't say my obsessive fandom ruined relationships I had in college, but I definitely made it clear that I was going to be watching the games, and if she had something she'd rather do during those three hours she should just go ahead and do that.
I understand why they're pitching around Cabrera to get to Huff. Perhaps a lesser threat, but here's some anecdata (that portmanteau is a joke! Hahaha!) Huff killed the Twins during the game I saw up in Camden Yards.
And then the Mauer doppelganger makes a liar out of me. Good.
TOP 2ND
I like the Rubik Kubel's strategy: Get hits by literally (literally) hitting the pitcher. So long as it's on the ass it's OK. I don't want the mushroom man hurt. Doesn't Porcello sound like a kind of mushroom?
Gaaaaaaawd.
BOTTOM 2ND
Every time the Dread Pirate throws that slow curve my heart leaps into my throat. Perhaps it's a Pavlovian response to how many of his breaking pitches have been hit across state lines. Let's just hope he's channeling game 163. Except that home run to Jim Thome thing.
RK: Inge looks awfully young. Remember back in 2003 when he was a catcher? Good thing he has those tats to seem mega-badass
DK: I remember all too well he being a catcher - visions of throws to third base ending up in Lansing come to mind
DK: Nikolai, I don't like your curveball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curveball. You know why? BECAUSE THE DAMN THING DON'T CURVE
RK: That 0-1 pitch was a strike the end.
DK: Bburn looks like he's taking grooming tricks from Pavano, and at the rate this is going, he's going to need sensitivity training from Ozzie Guillen - he looks pretty pissed off
RK: Where the hell is the strike zone?
DK: I do believe, based on FSN Detroit's long, slow, zoom into Gardy in the Twins dugout, he's asking himself the same question
RK: 41 pitches in 2 innings, another saving grace of the expanded roster
TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 TIGERS 1
RK: So Morales is DHing, they'll just switcheroo with Mauer tonight, right?
DK: One can only hope
RK: There's not much to right about here. Leviathan called out on strikes, Toblerone fouled out... Let's just hope that the strike zone Mr. Mushroom is getting will also be given to Blackburn.
RK: Heh, Span is listening to me, hitting the ball off of Porcello's ass. Hey here's what I would like to see: a threat mounting with fewer than two outs.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
RK: Another leadoff double?! Not a good habit to get into, Mr. Bburn
RK: NICE THROW CUDDY; that is reminiscent of Newman throwing home. In the hunt for omens and portents (and other things that I of course don't believe in), these things help.
DK: That was pretty damn well thrown.
RK: Oh just forgot to breathe there for 2+ minutes. Speaking of bad habits. Cuddy at first, who'd have thought? After that abysmal stint at third. Cuddly McDimples, you're currently the MVP of my heart.
TOP 4TH, SAME
RK: The camera pans sometimes kill me. Welcome back to the game here's an uncomfortably long shot of some fat dude squinting.
(DK is figuring out how to get a better stream than 5 minutes in the past)
Hey Dlmn! Way to be productive! To be honest, I sorta figured you were just out number 3 there. But then Leviathan did just that. I guess it's nice to be getting runners on, but if they could just get 'em in that would be totes clutch.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Well this time it's only a leadoff single, so.... progress?
What is this guess the stance guy? What's going on here? I don't think I like this.
Oh jeezy creezy I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I'm just sitting here wringing my hands, watching Blackburn live on the bleeding edge and it's just frazzling my nerves here.
TOP 5TH, SAME
Porcello also sounds like Porcelain. So perhaps there's some toilet humor here. Heh. Literally! I literally use the word literally correctly.
Also, leadoff double by the Twins! This is what I like to see; turnabout is fair play, you know.
D-Span said he wanted to "shock the world." As much as you and I love the Twins, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe tens of thousands of people care about this.
HELL YEAH TIED UP SON
BOTTOM 5TH, TIED AT 1
I will transcribe the Gatorade commercials:
Lock it up
Bull shit, slam it
(Blah blah blah)
Ticket, work it
Lock it up
Hey remember how Detroit owes Dontrelle Willis like 18 million dollars?
And it is the ghost of Dontrelle Willis that is responsible for Nikolai's first 1-2-3 inning.
TOP 6TH, SAME
I feel like I've worked my magic on Dick Bremer. He used to say "quickly oh and two" which doesn't make any sense because the only way to get to 0-2 is quickly. Now he says "two quick strikes" which makes much more sense.
RE: Metrodome Medallions - don't they lose their magic when the team leaves the Metrodome?
I really feel like the strike zone is different for these two pitchers and nobody likes that - hey! Another 2 out hit!
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
Blackburn has really bounced back from a shaky start. Credit the defense a little luck, but boy am I feeling better than I used to earlier in this game.
TOP 7TH, SAME
Leviathan uses the earthly god powers of sovereignty to get that ball under Polanco's glove.
Katie, take heart. Perhaps you'll see a Roger Federer Gilette commercial. This is a rare time for me to see the Twins on the real life teevee.
2 on, 1 out, Leyland out for a smoke I mean making a move.
And it was apparently a good move. Dammit.
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Span O'Cabrera is brilliant. I hope they resign Orlando for this very reason. Also because he is good at baseball?
That 1-2 pitch was a strike! Jose Morales should know, he's had it called like 3 times now.
Seriously, this game has overtones of game 163 last year. I'm getting kinda excited. Kinda the I'm going to pace around my apartment and maybe bake some bread or something because I'm just so damned excited about all this. Good lord.
TOP 8TH, SAME
That was your pitch, Joe. And now 0-4? What kind of witchery is this day?
You know what sounds tasty? A tart with raspberries and brie. That is all.
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Sorry. I've been looking up recipes.
TOP 9TH, SAME
So let's just not ever let Sandcastle play till September.
FUCK.
BOTTOM 9TH, SAME
bao, you must have more restraint than I, because my ass would be kicked off campus for how much yelling I'm doing. Or are you more like me in that you often hold office hours in name only and just sit at home because they never come anyway?
Katie, you wanna look up some kind of pastry I can make with fresh fruit and brie? And maybe then make it and send it on out here? I guess I could make it myself, but y'know.
I've just got a pile of raspberries, cold sittin' here, just waiting to be baked into something.
OH SWEET FRESH HELL. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. GOOD GOD. I'M DEAD.
TOP 10TH, SAME
I have the mouth-tingle. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you were young and you were about to get caught and you had that pit in your stomach and then your inner cheeks would go numb and tingle. You know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one.
Then Span just cold singling up the middle.
Then cold taking second on a wild pitch. (this meme is fun! By the way, is the over/misuse of "meme" in itself a meme? A metameme?)
Span just cold lookin' like "Can I just come home now then?"
FUCK AND YES.
bao, my good friend Henri? Everyday Life in the Modern World is one of those books I could read again and again. And in fact, I do reread it every few months. At least I think we'd be friends. Y'know, if he were uh, alive. I'm currently supposed to be reading Foucault, but fuck that guy.
Gomez finally remember how to bunt? Could it be a sign of impending RAGNAROK?
Someday I'll break Dick of that bad habit of making fly balls that don't reach the warning track sound like 10-run home runs.
BOTTOM 10TH, TWINS 3 MOTOR CITY KITTIES 1
"Big out here for Joe Nathan." Well Bert, not to bicker, but let's assume they all are.
Well! That insurance run was very important then. And now for 3 QUICK OUTS, RIGHT NATHANEST OF JOES?
Hot diggety damn is CarGo fast.
Hot diggety damn does Dlmn run heart-stoppingly weird routes to the ball.
Alright I'll say it: RAGNAROK.
See you back here in a few hours? OKAY WEIRDOS.
POSTGAME
Katie, I really like raspberries. Also they're all the way over there (in the kitchen) you know?
That save was Guardado-esque, but things are aligning. You know what I don't care about? Detroit's magic number, because if all goes well - we'll soon be able to concern ourselves with Minnesota's magic number.
Alright look, as the title suggests, dissertations are hard. I read at least a book a day and write at least a page a day and getting through all the alphabet soup of the world of finance, from CDOs and CDSs in the MBS market to a ROE model for IFVs to purchase IPOs (not only from firms like GS and JPMS), and just why does the PPT exist?
But today, today I'm gonna be a hot mess all day, doubleheader and all. So even though I have plenty of things to do (did you know I am giving a test tomorrow that I have yet to write? I am a bad person), this doubleheader has me glued. I suppose it is comforting to know that a twin killing is not absolutely vital, but if they don't, then every single other game the rest of the season is.
So in a good way, MLB just aired a promo about the Tigers and the postseason. Hubris alert!
Hey I'm not watching this game 2 minutes behind y'all since MLBNetwork is picking up the FSNorth feed. So you wanna hang with me? We still good? Anybody come around here? OK!
TOP 1ST
Did we ever come to a consensus about what Span's nickname oughta be? I like D-Span, Span the Bran Muffin, and uh... well I guess it's between those two.
Looks like Mauer will catch the day game - then moved to DH for the night game? I mean, I don't doubt that Joe Mauer could catch every major league game for every team and still bat .365. Double headers during expanded roster time must be nice for managers.
BOTTOM 1ST
An inauspicious start for Blackburn, and oh dear, these two games are probably (definitely) going to be the death of me.
Honestly, what is wrong with
Watching Dick and Bert on the teevee is really making me nostalgic for way back when I lived in Minnesota. I won't say my obsessive fandom ruined relationships I had in college, but I definitely made it clear that I was going to be watching the games, and if she had something she'd rather do during those three hours she should just go ahead and do that.
I understand why they're pitching around Cabrera to get to Huff. Perhaps a lesser threat, but here's some anecdata (that portmanteau is a joke! Hahaha!) Huff killed the Twins during the game I saw up in Camden Yards.
And then the Mauer doppelganger makes a liar out of me. Good.
TOP 2ND
I like the Rubik Kubel's strategy: Get hits by literally (literally) hitting the pitcher. So long as it's on the ass it's OK. I don't want the mushroom man hurt. Doesn't Porcello sound like a kind of mushroom?
Gaaaaaaawd.
BOTTOM 2ND
Every time the Dread Pirate throws that slow curve my heart leaps into my throat. Perhaps it's a Pavlovian response to how many of his breaking pitches have been hit across state lines. Let's just hope he's channeling game 163. Except that home run to Jim Thome thing.
RK: Inge looks awfully young. Remember back in 2003 when he was a catcher? Good thing he has those tats to seem mega-badass
DK: I remember all too well he being a catcher - visions of throws to third base ending up in Lansing come to mind
DK: Nikolai, I don't like your curveball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curveball. You know why? BECAUSE THE DAMN THING DON'T CURVE
RK: That 0-1 pitch was a strike the end.
DK: Bburn looks like he's taking grooming tricks from Pavano, and at the rate this is going, he's going to need sensitivity training from Ozzie Guillen - he looks pretty pissed off
RK: Where the hell is the strike zone?
DK: I do believe, based on FSN Detroit's long, slow, zoom into Gardy in the Twins dugout, he's asking himself the same question
RK: 41 pitches in 2 innings, another saving grace of the expanded roster
TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 TIGERS 1
RK: So Morales is DHing, they'll just switcheroo with Mauer tonight, right?
DK: One can only hope
RK: There's not much to right about here. Leviathan called out on strikes, Toblerone fouled out... Let's just hope that the strike zone Mr. Mushroom is getting will also be given to Blackburn.
RK: Heh, Span is listening to me, hitting the ball off of Porcello's ass. Hey here's what I would like to see: a threat mounting with fewer than two outs.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
RK: Another leadoff double?! Not a good habit to get into, Mr. Bburn
RK: NICE THROW CUDDY; that is reminiscent of Newman throwing home. In the hunt for omens and portents (and other things that I of course don't believe in), these things help.
DK: That was pretty damn well thrown.
RK: Oh just forgot to breathe there for 2+ minutes. Speaking of bad habits. Cuddy at first, who'd have thought? After that abysmal stint at third. Cuddly McDimples, you're currently the MVP of my heart.
TOP 4TH, SAME
RK: The camera pans sometimes kill me. Welcome back to the game here's an uncomfortably long shot of some fat dude squinting.
(DK is figuring out how to get a better stream than 5 minutes in the past)
Hey Dlmn! Way to be productive! To be honest, I sorta figured you were just out number 3 there. But then Leviathan did just that. I guess it's nice to be getting runners on, but if they could just get 'em in that would be totes clutch.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Well this time it's only a leadoff single, so.... progress?
What is this guess the stance guy? What's going on here? I don't think I like this.
Oh jeezy creezy I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I'm just sitting here wringing my hands, watching Blackburn live on the bleeding edge and it's just frazzling my nerves here.
TOP 5TH, SAME
Porcello also sounds like Porcelain. So perhaps there's some toilet humor here. Heh. Literally! I literally use the word literally correctly.
Also, leadoff double by the Twins! This is what I like to see; turnabout is fair play, you know.
D-Span said he wanted to "shock the world." As much as you and I love the Twins, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe tens of thousands of people care about this.
HELL YEAH TIED UP SON
BOTTOM 5TH, TIED AT 1
I will transcribe the Gatorade commercials:
Lock it up
Bull shit, slam it
(Blah blah blah)
Ticket, work it
Lock it up
Hey remember how Detroit owes Dontrelle Willis like 18 million dollars?
And it is the ghost of Dontrelle Willis that is responsible for Nikolai's first 1-2-3 inning.
TOP 6TH, SAME
I feel like I've worked my magic on Dick Bremer. He used to say "quickly oh and two" which doesn't make any sense because the only way to get to 0-2 is quickly. Now he says "two quick strikes" which makes much more sense.
RE: Metrodome Medallions - don't they lose their magic when the team leaves the Metrodome?
I really feel like the strike zone is different for these two pitchers and nobody likes that - hey! Another 2 out hit!
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
Blackburn has really bounced back from a shaky start. Credit the defense a little luck, but boy am I feeling better than I used to earlier in this game.
TOP 7TH, SAME
Leviathan uses the earthly god powers of sovereignty to get that ball under Polanco's glove.
Katie, take heart. Perhaps you'll see a Roger Federer Gilette commercial. This is a rare time for me to see the Twins on the real life teevee.
2 on, 1 out, Leyland out for a smoke I mean making a move.
And it was apparently a good move. Dammit.
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Span O'Cabrera is brilliant. I hope they resign Orlando for this very reason. Also because he is good at baseball?
That 1-2 pitch was a strike! Jose Morales should know, he's had it called like 3 times now.
Seriously, this game has overtones of game 163 last year. I'm getting kinda excited. Kinda the I'm going to pace around my apartment and maybe bake some bread or something because I'm just so damned excited about all this. Good lord.
TOP 8TH, SAME
That was your pitch, Joe. And now 0-4? What kind of witchery is this day?
You know what sounds tasty? A tart with raspberries and brie. That is all.
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Sorry. I've been looking up recipes.
TOP 9TH, SAME
So let's just not ever let Sandcastle play till September.
FUCK.
BOTTOM 9TH, SAME
bao, you must have more restraint than I, because my ass would be kicked off campus for how much yelling I'm doing. Or are you more like me in that you often hold office hours in name only and just sit at home because they never come anyway?
Katie, you wanna look up some kind of pastry I can make with fresh fruit and brie? And maybe then make it and send it on out here? I guess I could make it myself, but y'know.
I've just got a pile of raspberries, cold sittin' here, just waiting to be baked into something.
OH SWEET FRESH HELL. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. GOOD GOD. I'M DEAD.
TOP 10TH, SAME
I have the mouth-tingle. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you were young and you were about to get caught and you had that pit in your stomach and then your inner cheeks would go numb and tingle. You know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one.
Then Span just cold singling up the middle.
Then cold taking second on a wild pitch. (this meme is fun! By the way, is the over/misuse of "meme" in itself a meme? A metameme?)
Span just cold lookin' like "Can I just come home now then?"
FUCK AND YES.
bao, my good friend Henri? Everyday Life in the Modern World is one of those books I could read again and again. And in fact, I do reread it every few months. At least I think we'd be friends. Y'know, if he were uh, alive. I'm currently supposed to be reading Foucault, but fuck that guy.
Gomez finally remember how to bunt? Could it be a sign of impending RAGNAROK?
Someday I'll break Dick of that bad habit of making fly balls that don't reach the warning track sound like 10-run home runs.
BOTTOM 10TH, TWINS 3 MOTOR CITY KITTIES 1
"Big out here for Joe Nathan." Well Bert, not to bicker, but let's assume they all are.
Well! That insurance run was very important then. And now for 3 QUICK OUTS, RIGHT NATHANEST OF JOES?
Hot diggety damn is CarGo fast.
Hot diggety damn does Dlmn run heart-stoppingly weird routes to the ball.
Alright I'll say it: RAGNAROK.
See you back here in a few hours? OKAY WEIRDOS.
POSTGAME
Katie, I really like raspberries. Also they're all the way over there (in the kitchen) you know?
That save was Guardado-esque, but things are aligning. You know what I don't care about? Detroit's magic number, because if all goes well - we'll soon be able to concern ourselves with Minnesota's magic number.
Monday, September 07, 2009
What in Tarnation is Going On Here?
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Storms Are Brewing
PREGAME
Here in Blacksburg, and with Slowey Gin Fizz on the mound. This whole season, every time he takes the mound, I feel good.
Also, storms are apparently brewing for Francisco Liriano. Could the bullpen be in his future?
WV is still (STILL) in school. Crazy California. He is in class right now. Let's all laugh at him.
TOP FIRST
TB's "Slow Ride" moniker is apt - the HHH Metrodome is playing the song of the same title.
"Scouting report brought to you by Bert Blyleven." Uh, duh, Bert.
"I've got the Peter Brady puberty thing going on tonight." Sometimes that happens to me when I'm teaching Dick. Did you just get over a summer cold too?
You can really hear Dick trying to like smooth his voice over a little bit so it doesn't crack. He could moonlight as a slow jazz easy listening adult deejay.
Oh you want me to talk about the game? Was there ever a doubt that he was going to get out of that jam?
BOTTOM 1ST
Oh Twingo. I can't wait to play once again. An uninspiring start, but hey! The game is moving very quickly thusfar.
TOP 2ND
Oh All-You-Can-Eat Seats, I covet you so.
Also, good to hear that thick-ass MN accent just there. "2 hat dags..."
I don't know how this is possible, but it is - the awkward silence after Bert said he was scouting out retirement homes actually lasted longer than the inning. Think about it.
BOTTOM 2ND
Good God this game is flying by. Uh, anybody been to fangraphs.com? Delmon Young is pretty much the least valuable player this year. If you computed his value in terms of dollars, he would pretty much owe the Twins his salary back.
TOP 3RD
"0 for 12 with a hooOOOOO." Wow, come on Dick, this is great, but you'd really make the Iceman's night if you let him get up in the booth for a game.
Hot damn, if I still watched "Baseball Tonight" I would say that was a Web Gem for sure. But I don't watch that anymore. Why, you ask? Because have you seen MLB Network? It's nirvana. You don't get it? Heh. Well then.
In fact, for all of the Capital One defensive plays of the game, let's just show the bottom of that inning. That was damn right Sinn Fein-esque right there.
k-bro, when I think of all you can eat seats I start to salivate and think of the mountains of onions I put on my dogs. Jeezy creezy I'm a sucker for ballpark food.
BOTTOM 3RD
2 out rally? Holy crap it's 2006 again! Oh, those were the days. Well not really. I was still in Virginia. So not much has changed. I have more books now I guess.
Span just cold stealin' that bag. But it's weird because he gets credit for a stolen base (I assume V-Mart on the throwing error?) when really, how do you justify that? I'm OK with it because it's one of the good guys, but in general it should just be a two base error. Do you not agree? Do you feel very strongly about it? Well write about it on your own damn blog. Which you have. And tweet it. Always tweeting.
Oh hooray my video player froze on me again. Awesome.
TOP 4TH, 2-0 TWINS I ASSUME
Wow, Santana took a loss.
Oooh I know the Affleck! 3 Cleveland managers to make the postseason? Wedge, Hargrove, and Phelps.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Sorry, got called away - hey, Delmon's about to get out? Yeah yeah, I've turned on him.
And then he did. So I'm right.
TOP 5TH, SAME
Uh, sorry, didn't have time to really say anything just there.
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
Is it too late to build a Joe Mauer statue at Target Field? I hope they've begun it.
Sorry, I'm just like, really popular tonight.
TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 4-0
Not only am I popular, Slowey is doing his thing
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
So you know how in church league softball you start with a 1-1 count? We should just assume Dlmn will make an out and speed the game up like that.
And then once again, am I unfairly picking on him? Signs point to no
TOP 7TH, SAME,
OK I'm gonna go get cocktails with my friends. Looks like Slowey's got this in hand
Here in Blacksburg, and with Slowey Gin Fizz on the mound. This whole season, every time he takes the mound, I feel good.
Also, storms are apparently brewing for Francisco Liriano. Could the bullpen be in his future?
WV is still (STILL) in school. Crazy California. He is in class right now. Let's all laugh at him.
TOP FIRST
TB's "Slow Ride" moniker is apt - the HHH Metrodome is playing the song of the same title.
"Scouting report brought to you by Bert Blyleven." Uh, duh, Bert.
"I've got the Peter Brady puberty thing going on tonight." Sometimes that happens to me when I'm teaching Dick. Did you just get over a summer cold too?
You can really hear Dick trying to like smooth his voice over a little bit so it doesn't crack. He could moonlight as a slow jazz easy listening adult deejay.
Oh you want me to talk about the game? Was there ever a doubt that he was going to get out of that jam?
BOTTOM 1ST
Oh Twingo. I can't wait to play once again. An uninspiring start, but hey! The game is moving very quickly thusfar.
TOP 2ND
Oh All-You-Can-Eat Seats, I covet you so.
Also, good to hear that thick-ass MN accent just there. "2 hat dags..."
I don't know how this is possible, but it is - the awkward silence after Bert said he was scouting out retirement homes actually lasted longer than the inning. Think about it.
BOTTOM 2ND
Good God this game is flying by. Uh, anybody been to fangraphs.com? Delmon Young is pretty much the least valuable player this year. If you computed his value in terms of dollars, he would pretty much owe the Twins his salary back.
TOP 3RD
"0 for 12 with a hooOOOOO." Wow, come on Dick, this is great, but you'd really make the Iceman's night if you let him get up in the booth for a game.
Hot damn, if I still watched "Baseball Tonight" I would say that was a Web Gem for sure. But I don't watch that anymore. Why, you ask? Because have you seen MLB Network? It's nirvana. You don't get it? Heh. Well then.
In fact, for all of the Capital One defensive plays of the game, let's just show the bottom of that inning. That was damn right Sinn Fein-esque right there.
k-bro, when I think of all you can eat seats I start to salivate and think of the mountains of onions I put on my dogs. Jeezy creezy I'm a sucker for ballpark food.
BOTTOM 3RD
2 out rally? Holy crap it's 2006 again! Oh, those were the days. Well not really. I was still in Virginia. So not much has changed. I have more books now I guess.
Span just cold stealin' that bag. But it's weird because he gets credit for a stolen base (I assume V-Mart on the throwing error?) when really, how do you justify that? I'm OK with it because it's one of the good guys, but in general it should just be a two base error. Do you not agree? Do you feel very strongly about it? Well write about it on your own damn blog. Which you have. And tweet it. Always tweeting.
Oh hooray my video player froze on me again. Awesome.
TOP 4TH, 2-0 TWINS I ASSUME
Wow, Santana took a loss.
Oooh I know the Affleck! 3 Cleveland managers to make the postseason? Wedge, Hargrove, and Phelps.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Sorry, got called away - hey, Delmon's about to get out? Yeah yeah, I've turned on him.
And then he did. So I'm right.
TOP 5TH, SAME
Uh, sorry, didn't have time to really say anything just there.
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
Is it too late to build a Joe Mauer statue at Target Field? I hope they've begun it.
Sorry, I'm just like, really popular tonight.
TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 4-0
Not only am I popular, Slowey is doing his thing
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
So you know how in church league softball you start with a 1-1 count? We should just assume Dlmn will make an out and speed the game up like that.
And then once again, am I unfairly picking on him? Signs point to no
TOP 7TH, SAME,
OK I'm gonna go get cocktails with my friends. Looks like Slowey's got this in hand
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A Worrisome Prospect
PREGAME
I was just wondering something: do you suppose there are people out there who are fans of the Boston Red Stockings because they saw the awful Jimmy Fallon vehicle "Fever Pitch?" I hope these people don't exist. They would make me shudder.
Hat tip to k-bro for noting that who I thought was Matt Tolbert was indeed Brian Buscher. The less vision-impaired among us will note both the number "32" and the last name "Buscher." Remember how in your high school Psych class you had to try to see the details in the room for an eyewitness report but nobody remembers anything clearly so while you were proud of yourself for counting the bar stools they really wanted to know if you noticed the gallon of blood on the ground? Yeah, this is nothing like that.
But here is a fun optical illusion about how curveballs mess with your mind. But not Bobby Kielty's mind ca. 2003 when he took Barry Zito out of the yard but quick. Remember that?
Here. Click the link to launch the swf.
Oh yes, topical! Kevin Slowey is pitching, so uh, good.
TOP 1ST
Justin, you need a public speaking coach. I'll do it! I would like to be paid in cases of pounders of Premium Grain Belt beer.
FSN Techno Remix!
So - yes! I have a facebook question. A person who I barely know and haven't talked to in (literally) 10 years has friended me. I declined because I do like my facebook friends to be, y'know, people I know or people who are intensely attracted to me. But then! She friended me again. Is this persistence normal? Should I just accept it? Social networking is HARD
Meanwhile Slowey is throwing pitches all the livelong day. Yet nobody is on base. So net result is a good thing? Yes.
BOTTOM 1ST
Hm, I understand the strategy here - Dice K will throw a lot of pitches because he's a control freak (without the commanding control) so they'll take a lot. Yet here he is throwing many strikes. Swing!
Hey it's like Street Fighter II, Hyper Fighting Championship Edition TURBO: HERE COMES A NEW BLOGGER
KK: Okie, so. Here is the deal. Nick Punto cannot be good at both things at once. Last night he had an error but got two doubles. He got an error tonights game, does this mean he will homer?
RK: Probably not, but I like the logic
KK: Me too, I wish most of my logistics would become real.
[and then a bunch of stuff happened and the two K's said stuff that wasn't particularly noteworthy. We'll try harder!]
BOTTOM 2ND
KK: Wow Ortiz just swung and missed three times. Excuse me while I lick my TV screen.
RK: Who watches "Unwrapped?" That show is awful. Food Network should just become the Good Eats and Barefoot Contessa channel.
TOP 3RD
RK: I'll never bag on a guy for getting hits, but didn't the Twins bring Dlmn over to hit dingers?
KK: Why yes we did. But I think it doesn't matter since we have Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, AND Crede for power.
RK: I'm starting to get the nagging suspicion that the Twins front office is starting to regret that trade
KK: Nick Punto doesn't play thriller for his walk on song anymore, and it depresses me. And I bet they are kind of pissed. I mean he hit em out like crazy whilst in Tampa.
RK: What is his new song? I missed it
KK: His old song from last year
TOP 3RD
KK: When I hear "shes my cherry pie" it reminds me of harris. Then I feel awkward.
RK: That song reminds me of seeing that video very early in my life and not understanding the feelings I was feeling
RK: Sneak peek at Ice Road Truckers? OLD NEWS
KK: Here is the sneak peek: the road is ice, it cracks, they make sure you know its scary as shit because they have about 10,000 mics underneath the semis so you can hear all the clunks, creaks and cracks. Most of the men who do such ice road-ings are insane. Fin.
RK: I watched Season 1 with my pops a couple years ago and that's what I came away with
KK: Bases loaded? Really? With Youkilis coming up to bat? I swear these pitchers strictly do these things in awares that they will give me upset stomachs and tension headaches and stress boners at a drop of a hat being a complete suck.
RK: 1 run wouldn't be a terrible outcome here. And so it has come to pass!
BOTTOM 3RD, BOSOX UP 1
KK: Denard Span has a thyroid problem poor baby 
RK: Maybe it will turn him into a giant. Or is that pituitary?
KK: Joe Mauer does what you know he'd do
RK: Yeah, there was never a doubt, it was only a question of how
KK: I can also has a Morneau double
RK: These two young men are out their minds
KK: Yeah they are, they must have some crazy sexual tension...I mean good chemistry.
RK: Same thing
RK: Now this is the Daisuke I thought we'd see tonight
RK: Hahaha, here is a picture of Tolbert spitting
KK: Oh, I am enjoying this inning, so much I am type-less
RK: I like this reliable offense we've been having lately
TOP 4TH, RED SOX 1 TWINS 3
BASEBALL
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
RK: Man, I could use a 2-out rally here. Straight 2006 style. Punto probably wants it more than I
KK: hahahaha, yeah I bet he is bouncing around shoveling swedish fish in his mouth
TOP 5TH, SAME
The fuck lion doesn't get married, lady.
I like how Slowey Gin Fizz is not allowing many runs, but I would also like to see an inning wherein he doesn't allow a runner to get into scoring position. Also, in the mid-70s pitch count? Tsk tsk!
Which, by the way is a sound where you click your tongue behind clenched, not to be said as "tisk tisk." The sound was developed for comic strips, after all.
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
What is Dice-K's pitch count? 345?
2 out rally. Please. Pleasepleaseplease
I'm never satisfied. Maybe I'm just like my mother. Maybe I'm just too demanding, excuse me while I bust out my awesome Prince-inspired dance moves
TOP 6TH, SAME
Gulp.
Jason Bay's been kinda hot lately, and it's OK if it's a solo shot, I suppose. If Slowey stops the bleeding here it'll be not that bad - like the first inning
We who have seen David Ortiz this season completely understand this performance in the Metrodome, amirite?
Insurance runs would make me stop pacing around my apartment like a crazy person.
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1
"And we all need more friends." Dick, you hippie!
This is apparently shaping up to be the Dick inning
"So a Boston native son facing a Minnesota native son!" Well yeah Dick, I mean everyone's from somewhere, right?
Intentional walk to get to Cuddyer? DISRESPEK
I'm not feeling good about this. And no it's nothing I ate because I had dinner 5 hours ago because I'm old.
That's how you get an RBI Cuddy - with your ribs
TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 2
Point of order? Does Cuddy actually get credit for an RBI just there?
Haha point of order. If any of you dorks did Student Congress like I did, it's like a day at the dorkatorium.
Mijares is hungry and wants to get this game over with. I know I shouldn't poke fun at the heavier members of the roster, but the truth is I'm secretly jealous. I don't eat much myself, and I wish I could eat more. Then again, I'll do my best if I can get a ticket to an all you can eat seat game. Mmm. Dome dogs. What now?
I suppose Mijares will be out there again in the top of the 8th
OH NO I'M GOING TO MISS THE SNEAK PEEK OF ICE ROAD TRUCKERS WHATEVER SHALL I DO
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Zaaaahm-bay-ee, zaaaahm-bay-uh-ay-uh-ay-uh
Damn you ground rules! Cargo was on his way home, sweet home! Why must you be like Circe the witch stopping Odysseus from his destination?
Wow, Gomez hit Kottaris pretty hard there. I like it. Shades of Sinn Fein!
And Span's eye is downright Mientkiewiczian! I am brimming with nostalgia. And sex appeal. Mainly nostalgia
TOP 8TH, SAME
Let it ride with Mijares! That would be a catchy slogan for some sort of motorcycle shop or eatery. Or both?
Dr. Jubal, I've been thinking about the old boys lately. Could be that Eric Milton just got a win with the Dodgers, could be that I just wish I was younger. Who knows.
Matt Gruyere, doin' work! Being delicious, aged in a cave.
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Dr. Jubal, don't you dare. All of my Twins jerseys are from former players, and I intend to keep it that way. I have Guzman, Pierzynski, Santana, and oh some others who knows. They're all the way in my closet and I just don't have the gumption.
TOP 9TH, SAME
Joe Nathan looks really good tonight. That is very heartening to see.
POSTGAME
The Twins, although there was some offensivefutility when it came to RISP, the pitching came through. Hey - Mauer can't hit a home run every game (yes he can).
Dr. Jubal makes a good point that the caps the twins wear are darker than their uniforms. Someone call Paul Lukas!
The Twins can even up the season series tomorrow and did you know Bert doesn't like all these interleague games? Even though these games are about the only reason the Twins have any hope of playoff contention?
I was just wondering something: do you suppose there are people out there who are fans of the Boston Red Stockings because they saw the awful Jimmy Fallon vehicle "Fever Pitch?" I hope these people don't exist. They would make me shudder.
Hat tip to k-bro for noting that who I thought was Matt Tolbert was indeed Brian Buscher. The less vision-impaired among us will note both the number "32" and the last name "Buscher." Remember how in your high school Psych class you had to try to see the details in the room for an eyewitness report but nobody remembers anything clearly so while you were proud of yourself for counting the bar stools they really wanted to know if you noticed the gallon of blood on the ground? Yeah, this is nothing like that.
But here is a fun optical illusion about how curveballs mess with your mind. But not Bobby Kielty's mind ca. 2003 when he took Barry Zito out of the yard but quick. Remember that?
Here. Click the link to launch the swf.
Oh yes, topical! Kevin Slowey is pitching, so uh, good.
TOP 1ST
Justin, you need a public speaking coach. I'll do it! I would like to be paid in cases of pounders of Premium Grain Belt beer.
FSN Techno Remix!
So - yes! I have a facebook question. A person who I barely know and haven't talked to in (literally) 10 years has friended me. I declined because I do like my facebook friends to be, y'know, people I know or people who are intensely attracted to me. But then! She friended me again. Is this persistence normal? Should I just accept it? Social networking is HARD
Meanwhile Slowey is throwing pitches all the livelong day. Yet nobody is on base. So net result is a good thing? Yes.
BOTTOM 1ST
Hm, I understand the strategy here - Dice K will throw a lot of pitches because he's a control freak (without the commanding control) so they'll take a lot. Yet here he is throwing many strikes. Swing!
Hey it's like Street Fighter II, Hyper Fighting Championship Edition TURBO: HERE COMES A NEW BLOGGER
KK: Okie, so. Here is the deal. Nick Punto cannot be good at both things at once. Last night he had an error but got two doubles. He got an error tonights game, does this mean he will homer?
RK: Probably not, but I like the logic
KK: Me too, I wish most of my logistics would become real.
[and then a bunch of stuff happened and the two K's said stuff that wasn't particularly noteworthy. We'll try harder!]
BOTTOM 2ND
KK: Wow Ortiz just swung and missed three times. Excuse me while I lick my TV screen.
RK: Who watches "Unwrapped?" That show is awful. Food Network should just become the Good Eats and Barefoot Contessa channel.
TOP 3RD
RK: I'll never bag on a guy for getting hits, but didn't the Twins bring Dlmn over to hit dingers?
KK: Why yes we did. But I think it doesn't matter since we have Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, AND Crede for power.
RK: I'm starting to get the nagging suspicion that the Twins front office is starting to regret that trade
KK: Nick Punto doesn't play thriller for his walk on song anymore, and it depresses me. And I bet they are kind of pissed. I mean he hit em out like crazy whilst in Tampa.
RK: What is his new song? I missed it
KK: His old song from last year
TOP 3RD
KK: When I hear "shes my cherry pie" it reminds me of harris. Then I feel awkward.
RK: That song reminds me of seeing that video very early in my life and not understanding the feelings I was feeling
RK: Sneak peek at Ice Road Truckers? OLD NEWS
KK: Here is the sneak peek: the road is ice, it cracks, they make sure you know its scary as shit because they have about 10,000 mics underneath the semis so you can hear all the clunks, creaks and cracks. Most of the men who do such ice road-ings are insane. Fin.
RK: I watched Season 1 with my pops a couple years ago and that's what I came away with
KK: Bases loaded? Really? With Youkilis coming up to bat? I swear these pitchers strictly do these things in awares that they will give me upset stomachs and tension headaches and stress boners at a drop of a hat being a complete suck.
RK: 1 run wouldn't be a terrible outcome here. And so it has come to pass!
BOTTOM 3RD, BOSOX UP 1
KK: Denard Span has a thyroid problem poor baby 
RK: Maybe it will turn him into a giant. Or is that pituitary?
KK: Joe Mauer does what you know he'd do
RK: Yeah, there was never a doubt, it was only a question of how
KK: I can also has a Morneau double
RK: These two young men are out their minds
KK: Yeah they are, they must have some crazy sexual tension...I mean good chemistry.
RK: Same thing
RK: Now this is the Daisuke I thought we'd see tonight
RK: Hahaha, here is a picture of Tolbert spitting
KK: Oh, I am enjoying this inning, so much I am type-less
RK: I like this reliable offense we've been having lately
TOP 4TH, RED SOX 1 TWINS 3
BASEBALL
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
RK: Man, I could use a 2-out rally here. Straight 2006 style. Punto probably wants it more than I
KK: hahahaha, yeah I bet he is bouncing around shoveling swedish fish in his mouth
TOP 5TH, SAME
The fuck lion doesn't get married, lady.
I like how Slowey Gin Fizz is not allowing many runs, but I would also like to see an inning wherein he doesn't allow a runner to get into scoring position. Also, in the mid-70s pitch count? Tsk tsk!
Which, by the way is a sound where you click your tongue behind clenched, not to be said as "tisk tisk." The sound was developed for comic strips, after all.
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
What is Dice-K's pitch count? 345?
2 out rally. Please. Pleasepleaseplease
I'm never satisfied. Maybe I'm just like my mother. Maybe I'm just too demanding, excuse me while I bust out my awesome Prince-inspired dance moves
TOP 6TH, SAME
Gulp.
Jason Bay's been kinda hot lately, and it's OK if it's a solo shot, I suppose. If Slowey stops the bleeding here it'll be not that bad - like the first inning
We who have seen David Ortiz this season completely understand this performance in the Metrodome, amirite?
Insurance runs would make me stop pacing around my apartment like a crazy person.
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1
"And we all need more friends." Dick, you hippie!
This is apparently shaping up to be the Dick inning
"So a Boston native son facing a Minnesota native son!" Well yeah Dick, I mean everyone's from somewhere, right?
Intentional walk to get to Cuddyer? DISRESPEK
I'm not feeling good about this. And no it's nothing I ate because I had dinner 5 hours ago because I'm old.
That's how you get an RBI Cuddy - with your ribs
TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 2
Point of order? Does Cuddy actually get credit for an RBI just there?
Haha point of order. If any of you dorks did Student Congress like I did, it's like a day at the dorkatorium.
Mijares is hungry and wants to get this game over with. I know I shouldn't poke fun at the heavier members of the roster, but the truth is I'm secretly jealous. I don't eat much myself, and I wish I could eat more. Then again, I'll do my best if I can get a ticket to an all you can eat seat game. Mmm. Dome dogs. What now?
I suppose Mijares will be out there again in the top of the 8th
OH NO I'M GOING TO MISS THE SNEAK PEEK OF ICE ROAD TRUCKERS WHATEVER SHALL I DO
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
Zaaaahm-bay-ee, zaaaahm-bay-uh-ay-uh-ay-uh
Damn you ground rules! Cargo was on his way home, sweet home! Why must you be like Circe the witch stopping Odysseus from his destination?
Wow, Gomez hit Kottaris pretty hard there. I like it. Shades of Sinn Fein!
And Span's eye is downright Mientkiewiczian! I am brimming with nostalgia. And sex appeal. Mainly nostalgia
TOP 8TH, SAME
Let it ride with Mijares! That would be a catchy slogan for some sort of motorcycle shop or eatery. Or both?
Dr. Jubal, I've been thinking about the old boys lately. Could be that Eric Milton just got a win with the Dodgers, could be that I just wish I was younger. Who knows.
Matt Gruyere, doin' work! Being delicious, aged in a cave.
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Dr. Jubal, don't you dare. All of my Twins jerseys are from former players, and I intend to keep it that way. I have Guzman, Pierzynski, Santana, and oh some others who knows. They're all the way in my closet and I just don't have the gumption.
TOP 9TH, SAME
Joe Nathan looks really good tonight. That is very heartening to see.
POSTGAME
The Twins, although there was some offensivefutility when it came to RISP, the pitching came through. Hey - Mauer can't hit a home run every game (yes he can).
Dr. Jubal makes a good point that the caps the twins wear are darker than their uniforms. Someone call Paul Lukas!
The Twins can even up the season series tomorrow and did you know Bert doesn't like all these interleague games? Even though these games are about the only reason the Twins have any hope of playoff contention?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
It's Not Pornography, It's Art
PREGAME
Do you want to see some pictures? Your intrepid blogger took, as Kevin Costner would say in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, But Not British Accents, a roade trippe. Up to Baltimore to Camden Yards, for a Twins game that the Orioles were kind enough to host.
1) The field is beautiful blah blah blah
2) So before the game I took pictures of Twins stretching. Enjoy
I blame the photographer here. That is a horrible shot of a horrible angle. But there I am! You can't really tell, but that's the old "TC" on my hat. In Hokie colors. Synergy! (I go to Virginia Tech, for the uninitiated)
We'll start off nice and easy. That there is naked batting practice, holding it down.
Here's Denard Span, just cold posin' for the camera, even though he's acting like he isn't. TRUE FACT: Denard Span is a diva.
Nice Socks, Mr. Crede. Yes, socks.
Here is (I believe?) Matt Tolbert, trying to find his next ex-wife.
HOT JOE MAUER ACTION COMING UP
Oh hi, I didn't notice you there
The trainer can only conceal so much
Remember, impure thoughts are sinful
Just a warm up for the -
Ladies, you're welcome
Now let's see if the boys can beat the Red Sox for once.
TOP 1ST
Pretty sure the announcer person pregame just said Mauer Pauer. It's OK, we here at PAB don't believe in intellectual property rights.
I fully approve of Dick's sideburns. He looks old in HD.
Admittedly, I should have had the forethought to think eating popcorn and blogging wouldn't work together. But! Hands are washed, and here I am
BOTTOM 1ST
I will now forever associated T.I.'s "What You Know?" with Joe Mauer. Who, by the way, can apparently hit a home run at will.
Haha, creepy guy with a cameraphone.
I have a hard time when JoeMa makes an out. Like, "What does it all mean?" kind of hard time.
Good hustle, Dr. Neau. I approve of your decision.
TOP 2ND
Blackburn isn't looking that great tonight. This has me ill at ease.
And my player is crapping out. This could be an omen.
But no! I shall persevere! But seriously, I saw Star Trek last night. Does anybody else think that it rocked VERY HARD?
BOTTOM 2ND
Joe Mauer's hind leg is like the pitching rubber? I'll go with it Bert, because you played man, and I was probably the only grade school center fielder to bat ninth.
Uggggh losing my will to continue this.
TOP AND BOTTOM 3RD
What the crap, Firefox? Crashed 3 times in a row!
And now the feed won't pick up and I am just having a hell of a time right now I tells ya.
I came back just in time to see OMG make a second consecutive out? I think this is some harbinger of doom - let me check my Mayan calendar. Heh. MyMy An Calendar.
TOP 4TH
I am not feeling this right now. Je regrette. Could it be Nikolai walking David Ortiz? Maybe. Could it be him throwing 30 pitches per inning? Possibly? Could it be a headache and just really dry eye? Mainly.
But then he goes and does that and it's like how can I not at least watch? Sorry it's not very funny tonight though.
BOTTOM 4TH
God dammit that's the last time I'm letting Firefox crash on me. Good day for now.
Do you want to see some pictures? Your intrepid blogger took, as Kevin Costner would say in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, But Not British Accents, a roade trippe. Up to Baltimore to Camden Yards, for a Twins game that the Orioles were kind enough to host.
1) The field is beautiful blah blah blah
2) So before the game I took pictures of Twins stretching. Enjoy
I blame the photographer here. That is a horrible shot of a horrible angle. But there I am! You can't really tell, but that's the old "TC" on my hat. In Hokie colors. Synergy! (I go to Virginia Tech, for the uninitiated)
We'll start off nice and easy. That there is naked batting practice, holding it down.
Here's Denard Span, just cold posin' for the camera, even though he's acting like he isn't. TRUE FACT: Denard Span is a diva.
Nice Socks, Mr. Crede. Yes, socks.
Here is (I believe?) Matt Tolbert, trying to find his next ex-wife.
HOT JOE MAUER ACTION COMING UP
Oh hi, I didn't notice you there
The trainer can only conceal so much
Remember, impure thoughts are sinful
Just a warm up for the -
Ladies, you're welcome
Now let's see if the boys can beat the Red Sox for once.
TOP 1ST
Pretty sure the announcer person pregame just said Mauer Pauer. It's OK, we here at PAB don't believe in intellectual property rights.
I fully approve of Dick's sideburns. He looks old in HD.
Admittedly, I should have had the forethought to think eating popcorn and blogging wouldn't work together. But! Hands are washed, and here I am
BOTTOM 1ST
I will now forever associated T.I.'s "What You Know?" with Joe Mauer. Who, by the way, can apparently hit a home run at will.
Haha, creepy guy with a cameraphone.
I have a hard time when JoeMa makes an out. Like, "What does it all mean?" kind of hard time.
Good hustle, Dr. Neau. I approve of your decision.
TOP 2ND
Blackburn isn't looking that great tonight. This has me ill at ease.
And my player is crapping out. This could be an omen.
But no! I shall persevere! But seriously, I saw Star Trek last night. Does anybody else think that it rocked VERY HARD?
BOTTOM 2ND
Joe Mauer's hind leg is like the pitching rubber? I'll go with it Bert, because you played man, and I was probably the only grade school center fielder to bat ninth.
Uggggh losing my will to continue this.
TOP AND BOTTOM 3RD
What the crap, Firefox? Crashed 3 times in a row!
And now the feed won't pick up and I am just having a hell of a time right now I tells ya.
I came back just in time to see OMG make a second consecutive out? I think this is some harbinger of doom - let me check my Mayan calendar. Heh. MyMy An Calendar.
TOP 4TH
I am not feeling this right now. Je regrette. Could it be Nikolai walking David Ortiz? Maybe. Could it be him throwing 30 pitches per inning? Possibly? Could it be a headache and just really dry eye? Mainly.
But then he goes and does that and it's like how can I not at least watch? Sorry it's not very funny tonight though.
BOTTOM 4TH
God dammit that's the last time I'm letting Firefox crash on me. Good day for now.
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