Wednesday, January 12, 2011


A Thing I Made

I found this in my photos doing some computer cleaning. This is an original 'Shop (this is slang for Photoshop, not Stop and Shop, Shop Til You Drop, or Kelly Shoppach). I present: Mauer throwing a Hadoken (I used to have the free time to do this kinda stuff?)

I... I think it's a metaphor?

Friday, December 03, 2010




Friday, February 12, 2010


I Will Tell You A Thing About A Guy

We all live our lives with certain universal truths that shape our worldview, conduct our conduct, and produce our everyday lives.

Here's one of mine: Until proven otherwise, anybody could be a robot.

Like Nick Punto:

Turbo boost?
Good handling around the corners?
A lot of power in such a small machine?


Thursday, February 11, 2010



Developing... tomorrow... Nick Punto day. It'll be the snOMGpocageddon of the Midatlantic times infinity Rick Reeds in terms of ferocity.

Just kidding! Nick Punto is really the one day a year in which you're allowed to tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt. Take advantage, gents!

(Just kidding about the kidding!) MEET ME BACK HERE TOMORROW.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


We Have Arrived

Readers guess what?

We are on the Twitter! Yes! It's HERE

Why is the username "PABlyleven"? Because of a dearth of available characters for screen names! We needed one more, and this, this will be the death of Twitter.

Until then we envision twatting tweets at members of the MNTwins that are mostly absurd, like @thisisdspan Your batting stance gaze is chilling. Do you do it at the ATM?

And then he will say who are these idiots.

And then people will stop with this whole thing.

The death of Twitter is imminent.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


The AL Central Must Be Defended


WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.

I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?

Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:

RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants

WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.

TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.

RK: It could be worse.


RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!

TB: It seems so

WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets

RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse

TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.

WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?

RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?

TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee

WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel

RK: He's the ignoble assassin

WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.

RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing

TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.

RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!

WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.

RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win

WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.

RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on

WV: I see what you did there.


RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better

TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.

RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes

WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?

TB: Nope

RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating

RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.

TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on

WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.

RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer

WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.

RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!

WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?

RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe

TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.

RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system

RK: Damn, a matter of inches

WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.


WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?

RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial

TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever

RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been gaining weight

WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.

TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.

RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?

WV: Remember what I said about fisting?

RK: I try not to

TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay

RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play

TB: Exxxxhale.

RK: I was waiting to

WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child

RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!


WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.

WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.


RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads

TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.

WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!

RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS

RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit

WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.

TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.

WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?

RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?

WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria

RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance

TB: Gah.

RK: The almost-double play looms large

WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?

RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this


WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.

WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.

RK: As is their wont!


WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.

RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large

TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial

RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it

WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.

RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does

RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way

TB: I guess that kinda works

WV: Little things

RK: I will again call a shot


RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!

TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert

RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!

TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.

RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?

TB: It's time for a Kubelution!

RK: Gah that was his pitch

WV: My thoughts exactly.


TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!

RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything

TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?

RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T

TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.

RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time

TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks

RK: I think a lot of people can say that

RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up

TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?

WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.

TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is

RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone

WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.

RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper

TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?

TB: Again with the fisting

RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning


WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind

RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen

RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker

WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS

WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.

RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power

TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.

RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings


RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?

TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*

RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all

TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.

WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?

RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota

RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.

WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"

TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic


RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs

WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.

RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities

RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in


WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.

TB: Bean him

WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch

WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.

TB: We've done worse

RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start


WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.

RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!

WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)

RK: Right, getting naked with a horse

WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.

RK: It's a gameplan!

TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles

WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit


RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!

WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"

RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS

WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.

RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings

RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate

TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.

WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.

RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true

WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank

WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats

RK: Well well, Mr. V

WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.

TB: Called it.

RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that

WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!

TB: 150% improvement

WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.

TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome

RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome


RK: Well shit


TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?


TB: That no talent ass-clown

RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun

TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.

WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.

TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay

RK: But he said no pun intended!

WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.

TB: Speaking of insane

RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine

RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.

WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.

TB: Uhhhhhh

WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.

RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else

WV: Nope

TB: Can't call that a ball!

RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!

WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.

RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan

WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.

WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"

TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.

WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.

RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom

WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.

TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!

RK: Fisting all night for everyone!


RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee

TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again

WV: So do you sac bunt here?

RK: I say hit and run

TB: I think Span needs to get on here.

WV: Wow how was that a strike.

RK: Anger salad is mixing




RK: I cant feel my fingers

WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.

WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient

RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.

TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!

WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that

TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.

WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.


RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now

TB: Gulp

RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea

WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?

WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.

RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up

TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!

WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.

TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back

RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"

TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck

RK: He's too old for this

TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball


RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes


RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here

WV: Ugh

RK: Couldn't even do that


TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!

RK: That was unfortunate

TB: This is not great

RK: Oh Jesus

WV: Granderson owns Nathan.

RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess

WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING

WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.

RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball

WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.

RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP



RK: ....or LIDP


WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?

TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).

WV: Haha

WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.

RK: Katie: No.

WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???

RK: LNP, you little bastard!

TB: I'm calling a triple

WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"

RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"

WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.

RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song

WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.

RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam

WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.

TB: Ho boy

WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.

RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?

WV: Ulger would've held him

TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.

WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!

TB: This oughta be good


RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?

TB: Crain?

RK: KK says Crain

TB: He's our best option I think

RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse

TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.

WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.

RK: It is many; it is legion

TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them

WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.

RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated

WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.

TB: What's wrong with that one?

WV: I have no clue

RK: Oh god.

WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.


WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?

TB: Yeah, I like this


TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit

WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.

RK: Shades of Hunter in 06

WV: Indeed

TB: And it has come to this

WV: Grrrrrr

TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?

WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.

WV: Who is left on the bench?

RK: Sand Castle

WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.

TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...

WV: Double steal!

RK: I like it!

WV: Man, this is bad.

TB: No me gusta


WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.


WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.

RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky

WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!

RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!

WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!

RK: I like my Japanese car!

WV: Oh fuck me.

RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats

WV: Good slide nonetheless


TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this

WV: My heart is begging for this to end

WV: Casilla was safe by the way

RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go

WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.

TB: More baseball...unbelievable

WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.

WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees

WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.

RK: It's still so cold in the D

WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?

RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good

TB: Keppel?

WV: Yessir

WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?

TB: Well, Gabino

WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.

TB: And Shipman

WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.

RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that

WV: Come on!


RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?

TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.

RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"

WV: It was only a matter of time.

TB: Sigh

WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly

TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.

WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter

TB: Mauer

RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker


RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up

WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.

RK: Haha I'm a liar

RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!

WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.

RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that

WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."

RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"

TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that

RK: Our profession is a vocation

WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.

RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!

WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.

RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices

RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!

WV: Oh fuck

RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon

WV: Walk?

RK: May as well

TB: Yeah

RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)



WV: Goodness gracious.

TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez

WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.

TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first

WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL

TB: dlmn?

WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'

TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy

WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb

TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year




TB: Uhh...hey look, we won


I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


The one time "El Niño" isn't referring to straight-line winds

Miguel Ángel Sano to sign with Twins

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?