Saturday, September 27, 2008


Razzle Dazzle


Well, here it is. The Twins need to win. The Bitch Sox don't need to, but would be helpful if, they lost. But anyway, as you all know, I'm stuck in Blacksburg, VA. And Fox picked up the game, so

NYY/BOS rained out yay!

I'm closer to PHI boo!

So I may have to live with radio and running Gamecast gameday, whatever. Because I can't count on Gordo and Dazzle to give me an accurate description of what happened. No, what I need are red green and blue dots. Don't you hate on gameday when the dot is blue but it doesn't say (outs) or (runs)? I hate that

You know what to do if you want in on this special Saturday action


Aaaand I get the Brewers. Welp, here's to you, Gordo

After a first strike, 3 straight balls from Perkins. Which is kinda like eating at Perkins. The first bite you're all "YES PANCAKES" but then you realize they're not very good pancakes and that you're getting full, but not in a good way but at least you're not eating at Ponderosa.

Sounds like people are crazygonuts at the TerrorDome. That's good.

I hope Glen doesn't decide to let every hitter get 10 pitches.

If the boys win this game, I will praise Brendan Harris for firing this team the hell up. I'm even fired up over the radio!


I do kinda like hearing the old familiar commercials though. I remember jingles. It's a weird talent I have. The CaRX song? I know it.

Oh no guys, no more backwards Ks. First of all, it's communist.

RK: OMG needs a double in the gap. Moreso, I need a double in the gap from OMG

SJ: You missed GoGo doing the starting lineup..hi-larious. and Bert and Chris Rose doing the commentary -- I'm in love

RK: Grumble grumble Mark Grace in Milwaukee grumble grumble

RK: Well, if nothing else the boys are making Gilgamesh work a bit

SJ: casilla steals third! woo!

RK: I love it when players steal third. That's always on the pitcher

SJ: uh huh -- he jogged into the base pretty much

RK: Man I would love a straight steal of home

RK: Oh dear, Hamilton's almost caught up to Morneau

SJ: bah

RK: Oh jeez


SJ: If they're voting MVP's on how many perfect pitches got past them -- Dr. Neau would win on that at bat

RK: Oh Dazzle, he said they were all really close pitches

SJ: If you call right down the heart of the plate close, then yes

SJ: So the random thing I forgot to tell you about GoGo doing the starting line-ups....he was wearing a Superman shirt under his warm up shirt
and was all like "batting 9th is me, Superman, ahhhhh" and he flew away

RK: That is pretty incredible

SJ: I think someone should get Bert and Chris a beer -- I think it could make for a more interesting game

TB: You know who I'd want to see alongside Bert? Joe Buck.

RK: Only if Bert punched Joe Buck is his nepotistic mouth

SJ: Oh that would be super.

WV: like in those Holiday Inn commercials where they want to touch Joe Buck's throat. Only more brutal.

RK: 6 in a row by Perkins and only on 200 pitches!


TB: Wait. Kubel going the other way?

RK: Where's Gordo from? I'm guessing iron range. Everybody I know from there says "cunner" instead of "corner"

SJ: Ooo...Bert and Chris are getting witty...I love it

RK: I have hope for this game; Dlmn swung at the first pitch; the world is back to normal, everything in its right place, God in his kingdom

RK: SJ, you best be getting some stuff they're saying, or I'm gonna break your other leg


SJ: Bert: "I love these graphics, if you throw it down the middle he hits .411. The other squares you'll see aren't as high" Chris: "I'll take Whoopi in the middle sqare to block"

SS: Fox is showing the Cubs, and the radio is playing college football


RK: Brendan Harris, you're the spark this team needs today. Much like that one thing Optimus Prime keeps in his chest. We can learn a lesson from SS, WV. Like poor children in other parts of the world, while we bitch about having to listen to radio, some people don't have anything. Won't you give 70 cents a day?

TB: "This twelve-year-old girl has never eaten. Won't you help her?"

SJ: Sorry, my money goes to the beer I drink during the games.

RK: You hear that, SS? No cents for you

EH: there is always gameday pitch-by-pitch

SS: I don't need your charity! I actually found the radio broadcast so I've got a little access

RK: I'm running it - exciting dot matrices!

TB: Awww fiddlesticks

SJ: Good deal SS, I was starting to feel guilty...


WV: I feel like bitching about this inning-ending double play, plating only one run. But some teams don't have ANY the Royals!

RK: You know what I'm learning? Nobody under 70 goes to Grand Casino

WV: I bet nobody under 70 lives in all of Hinckley.

SJ: They all go to Treasure Island Resort and Caseeeeeeeeeeno

RK: OK, this will sound strange. But my eldest sister got married in January in Hinckley because she's fucking insane. But I swear, somewhere between Hinckley and St. Cloud, on some highway (23?) there is a stretch of highway cleanup sponsored by 4 of the X-Men

TB: Hey I've been on Highway 23. Though I missed that sign I guess

SS: awesome. I never had the pleasure of driving that far up 23, but I don't doubt it. Good ol' Stearns County

RK: St. Cloud has a 5 Guys!

EH: as in the one that everyone is gaga about around here?

RK: Oh yes

SS: When did they get that?

RK: I dunno

TB: I'm certain I feel asleep at the wheel on that road, woke up an hour later, and then turned onto I-35 to Duluth like nothing happened.

RK: A double play here would just make my socks roll up and down

TB: That'll do as well

RK: Whew, got some help from Aviles there

TB: Aviles might have the most annoying batting stance ever

RK: Worse than Craig Counsell? This I gotta see... oh wait dammit



SJ: Bert already said that Rick Anderson is probably hoping that Perkins will go 5 or 6...heaven forbid he go anymore on 8 days rest...

RK: Perkins could stand to have an economical inning

EH: A hit!

RK: Not an error?

EH: i have no idea

RK: Gordo made it sound like an error is why I ask

SJ: Span stealing! Woo!

TB: Why must the FOX Scoreboard line make an entrance noise? What is this, PowerPoint?

EH: power point by high schoolers

SJ: I love when Mesh double clutches on the throw so Lexi can get on base 

WV: The Fox network is like the pretty but insecure girl at school; always making sure people are still paying attention.

TB: Gil, this isn't MLB The Show for PS3, you don't have to double clutch everytime you throw

RK: Gilgamesh beginning to crumble. Like in the story? No, wrong story. Who's his friend who died? My mythology is all wrong

EH: oh man, notre dame scored.... not that you all would care.... now i hear about the twins score.

SJ: Woot woot -- 2-0

RK: I care, EH. I like the Boilermakers

EH: Excellent

SS: OMG! I'm finally all settled in, and I get to hear OMG helping score my boyfriend

SJ: That was a lot of OMG...

RK: And now Morneau will hit an upper deck home run. WON'T YOU JUSTIN

TB: Good contact Morneau, we're making progress


RK: 'cept Jermaine Dye. Who is not cool

SJ: He's a wannabe

SJ: Woo-- a baser!

RK: That'll do - I can haz Koobelsmash plz?

EH: huzzah. double play

RK: OK guys I can do without the ending potential rallies with DPs


SS: however, if they keep scoring one run an inning before the DP, and keep shutting KC out, I won't argue

SJ: Neither will I

RK: That's true, but I also want Meche outta there to get into that bullpen

SS: yeah, maybe then can launch a couple in the next inning to run up the score, then go back to their pattern

RK: Callaspo, back to the dugout to man the steel drums

SS: I think Callaspo makes me think of calliope, is why I think of circus music, but steel drums could work too

EH: Or calypso

SJ: Guillen is a fan of Perkins...

RK: And that, Jose, is why you run hard out of the box

RK: I like that Glen, do it again

SS: why is it that gameday is sometimes in the future and sometimes in the past when compared to the radio broadcast?

EH: ah the mysteries of internet

RK: That's a great question, SS. I will say, talking to the head... internet guy at, he designed the site with macs in mind

DK: He did it again, there you go

RK: Well if it's that easy - Gomez, hit a home run plz. Kthnx


RK: Brendan Harris is gonna do something here

RK: By doing something I did not mean strikeout, but there's still time

DK: two on for D'Nard

RK: And hey, we can't end this inning with a double play! Trick's on you, Gil! Sucks to your ass-mar!

SS: woo, I'm liking this version of IHOP that can get on base by hitting the ball out of the infield

SS: damn, the future tells me that my boyfriend grounded out

RK: He did, SS. He did


RK: Quik trip sells potatoes and onions for .39/lb?

EH: and do not forget the apples bananas and oranges.

RK: It's been too long since I've been to Minnesota

EH: ditto here

TB: Me too. Something like two weeks

SJ: I haven't been there since...Thursday

RK: I keep telling my former high school students who are at St. John's to sponsor me for a guest lecture but they are lazy no-good punks

RK: OK, Gordon will ground into a double play. Yes.

WV: "I think you need to get into those big time games and be a big time pitcher." Thanks Dazzle, that's brilliant.

EH: As always

RK: He understands the irresistible power of the tautology. A=A, bitches!

SS: SJ, does Gordon still have his ridiculous facial hair?

WV: He would've made a fine deconstructionist.

TB: How often are you gonna label "Twins/Royals" as a big time game?

WV: Well, Gilgameche is epic.

TB: Yes, in fact, I think that's one of the 5 or so things I learned in 11th Grade Literature.

RK: I'm sure Young made that look more difficult than it was, but now, now is the time for a DP for my mental well-being

SS: yes, Buck is not the most fleet of foot so a grounder would do the trick

SJ: Mother of...

DK: Did Dazzle just say "Dlmn playing the corner perfectly on that one"?

RK: Indeed he did

DK: It made me go O RLY?

SJ: If he did...let me tell, he was not. I swear it took him about 5 minutes to get to the corner. I wonder if Butler's ever been considered for a middle reliver...

EH: Agh!

WV: I've never been so anxious for Bonser to warm up quickly.

SS: yikes! Vi, if you hit into a DP, I will love you forever

RK: Yeah, he can still get outta this, he can still get outta this

SJ: Blah

EH: Or not so much

RK: Well... not the worst outcome possible

EH: True, true

SJ: Thank the good's done

SS: we still have the lead

SJ: I'd really like to see that 17 game hit streak not extended today


RK: I'd like to get 15 runs here. Order up!

SS: I think the goal for this inning should be to get Meche out of the game

RK: "So that could be it for Perkins" Dazzle, I'd bet the rent on it

WV: Bad week to be ranked in the top 5 in college football.

SS: who is losing now?

WV: Florida

SS: beautiful

RK: Morneau, I am quickly losing patience with you

DK: Dr. Neau needs a new prescription of patience inducing medication

SJ: Dr. Neau is reeaaally good at watching perfect pitches go right by him....except for the last one that he swung through

DK: Fuck

RK: So much for this inning's goal


SJ: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF, Bert better say it, he's on national TV dammit

RK: This commercial about Morneau being a premier tattoo artist is dripping with unintentional irony

SJ: Bert...that was the weakest "BOOOF" I've ever disappointed

SS: hopefully the Boof, as Bert is wont to say, is on fire today

RK: The outcome of this inning will have a direct correlation for how much whiskey i'm going to put in the coffee i have brewing

EH: not a very auspicious beginning

RK: Dazzle sounded really disgusted with Bonser there

SJ: I'm disgusted with Bonser right now

WV: Well, this has put me in a sour mood.

SJ: I'm switching to whiskey...which could make for an interesting evening

WV: I mean, why is Bonser your first call to the pen anyways? I know he's been decent lately but his ERA is still 5.80 or so

RK: Hahahahahah, oh you laugh or you start crying

TB: Oh snap. That would have just been rotten

RK: I'm glad I didn't see that

TB: It was not cool. But way to go you silly ol' Bulldog

RK: OK OK OK OK ground out

SJ: That was a little intense... Maybe too intense for one out...

TB: "We're all the way out here in the bullpen, and you'll never guess what we've found. The internet! Seems it can't hide here either."

RK: Dazzle: "Way outside" MLBGameday: "more inside than the first pitch"

EH: !

RK: OK OK OK OK one more out

SJ: What a snag!

DK: Guerrier you beast you

RK: Dear baseball gods, don't you ever let this happen to me again

SJ: Do you think they call Guerrier grandpa since he's like 30 years old...he's creeping up to Redmond and Punto...

EH: you are a Twins fan, that is like asking for it to never rain again.


SS: whew, I can live with a tie game for now

DK: wonder if Gardy's wishing he could take a mulligan and just leave Perk in

RK: Hopefully that lit a fire under their asses that they have to score some damn runs

SS: and in other news, Dlmn swung at the first pitch

DK: dlmn mssd th mm

EH: Shocking!

SJ: I am shocked

SJ: So what do you think Dick is doing without Bert today?

RK: Eating pounds of sausage links

DK: remember when the Royals were good for at least 3 errors a game? I miss those Royals

SJ: Me too

RK: Remember when knocking Meche out after 5 seemed like a really reasonable goal?

SS: we were such idealists in our youth

RK: Now we are wizened, hard, and cynical


SJ: denny's

RK: Out of context, that's really funny. Or it's at least tickling me anyway, like "yknow what? Denny's. I said it"

SJ: I like Denny's

DK: "A foul grand slam home run by Alex Gordon..." says Gordo...doesn't the whole "foul" bit negate the rest of that sentence? Or have I had the rules wrong for all these years?

SJ: I get scared when he throws more than 4 pitches. QTF?

SS: alright, Vi is quickly becoming dead to me, and I'm not very happy with any of the other Royals either. I'm stripping them of all the nicknames I've given them in the past

RK: Thoughts are brewing in my head that I can't believe the Twins wasted all that effort sweeping the Bitch Sox just to piss it away now

TB: Again, Gardy. Why is this the thought process? "Let's see, tie game, runners on, important game to win. Let's put in Crain"

RK: What else can you do? Everybody's thrown their arms off

TB: Moons over Mijares or something. Did he pitch last night?

RK: I bet you'll see him next inning

SS: nope, he shoud be good

RK: Even when things go right they don't go right

RK: This game is making me ill

WV: This is just ridiculous

SJ: Morneau!! You forgot to say "go go gadget arms!!" AHHHH so close!!

RK: Just think, no wild pitch, infielders aren't playing in

TB: There goes the MVP

RK: He probably lost it in his ABs the past week

WV: Overall, I think he lost it by not being the most valuable

EH: that could be the key

SS: ok, time to stop the bleeding. good start with an out

RK: Apparently they turned the fans on when Teahen hit that

RK: Alright guys 9 outs left, now go to work


SS: I really want not to be really torn up about this game, but I just can't help it

RK: Yeah, if this is how it's going to end, at the hands of the Royals, I would rather have had the team swept by the Sox, blasphemous as that sounds

TB: Myself as well.

SS: it's like the Royals are trying to cash in on some debt we owe them for helping us get into the playoffs in '06

RK: Ha, that may be it!

RK: Cargo has to get on here, right? I mean, the only time we've touched Meche was when the leadoff man was on

DK: Well there you go, he's on with an E5

SS: I'll take it

RK: Here's their chance!

DK: D'Nard as the tying run...this has so much poetic potential here

SS: boyfriend, I would like you to hit a triple here, please!

DK: Since Dick is absent, I shall do it. THREE and one with Casilla on deck!

DK: ihop ihop ihop all the way to 2nd base

RK: I hope this payoff pitch treats Span well

DK: Yes it does - free pass

RK: double steal DO IT

DK: followed by squeeze play DO IT?

RK: Yeah why not?

DK: y'know...D'Nard could probably score from 2nd on a squeeze. He's done it before

EH: Good-bye, Gilgameche

SS: Adios, Meche!

DK: "Royal 55, turn left, contact departure...cya!"

TB: Oh geez

WV: ??

TB: Nobody here speaks airplane nerd, DK

DK: I said what I said...

DK: way to flop down for drama, lexi

RK: We'll see if Casilla wants to be the hero again

DK: Or not

SS: that's the beauty of this thing we've got going, right? no one is watching the same broadcast, no one is speaking the same language, but it somehow seems to work

TB: Nope he doesn't

RK: OK now double steal for real

TB: That's a million dollar fine in my book

SS: except when the future brings bad news, like how the sandcastle is crumbling. OMG, your batting average is dipping. I need you to get a hit. you need you to get a hit

DK: is OMG above red lights?

RK: Haha, he'd never swing at a 3-0

TB: No of course not

EH: No need to swing

RK: Justin, you can reclaim your MVP status right here

DK: Justin, we wouldn't complain if you upped your RBI total a bit more

DK: Hamilton's in the rearview mirror and all

SS: how about a grand slam of the fair variety

SS: none of this foul stuff like Gordon likes

RK: You know, the kind that score runs

DK: Mutter, not quite. 6-4-3

EH: i really do not like it when the future says things like that

SS: on the first pitch? who doe she think he is, Dlmn?

DK: you like it as much as I like being the bearer of such news

RK: OK I'm gonna go throw up


RK: This is rigoddamndiculous

WV: This is as ridiculous as that time we had Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low it was ridiculous

EH: here is another shocker: the Nats just lost

DK: the Royales are taunting us now, they're stealing bases

TB: I know, my roommate the Phillie Phan just squealed

DK: Gordon's dancing on 2nd going "Pitcher pitcher pitcher! You caaaaan't get me"

SS: damnit, Alex. I hate you and your stupid facial hair

WV: I was waiting throw in "Royal pain in our asses" but that seems like a ship that has long since sailed.

WV: I had to read Sartre and other existentialist stuff for a class before the game and I have to say, I sure do feel a lot of nothingness and anxiety.

RK: The abyss is currently staring back into me

DK: he's in ur infield, stealing ur bases...

SS: fuck. just fuck.

TB: No, Buck. It's John Buck

DK: aaaand for those scoring at home, that's a 1-2-5-1-6 FC

TB: Pinko: Ya'll get on outta here!

RK: Or even if you're not. Huh, sounded better when Olbermann would say it

WV: Wow, Michigan came back down 19-0. Wanting Wisconsin to lose is my only real ambition now.

SS: I'm trying to store up all my college football energy for the "big game" starting in about an hour

TB: Ok. OKAY. Come on boys

RK: The little guys have had to shoulder the load the past week, they're gonna have to do it again. I don't like their chances against the likes of Soria


DK: whoa...a Tolbert sighting

RK: Delicious! Raymoan Ramirez. Glad to hear that

DK: normally pitchers whom Gordo called Raymoan end up sucking. good sign

TB: Infield hits really taking their toll, Bert

EH: well, lead off

RK: Maybe Young will make us all deliriously happy?

SS: I'll likely be delirious regardless, hopefully the happy part will be true as well.

RK: Well that was like a swig of lukewarm water


DK: Moons over Mijares in

TB: well if it means anything, the Indians are winning

DK: I was really looking forward to wanting the White Sox to lose, instead of needing them to lose

SS: I still have a tiny kernel of hope

RK: Me too. Like I said, I can't help it

DK: I have faith until all 27 outs are recorded, as misguided as it may be

RK: Alright, well, let's see what the top o' the lineup can do


SS: well, KC has two errors so far, RK. can we count on them to commit another one so we can actually capitalize on it?

DK: I'd like to see Soria commit a couple errors in the form of meatballs over the heart of the plate

RK: Everybody's got a blow a save sometime

DK: that's a start

RK: "Possibility Morneau will bat in the inning" At this point, Gordo, that's more of a threat than a promise

SS: yeah, don't set him up to crush our dreams

DK: sshhhhh Soria can't find the plate

TB: Would it be too naive of me to want Morneau pinch hit for?

RK: Hopelessly

DK: with whom, dare I ask? Cuddles?

TB: Macri

SS: that's a tough call. right now I'll settle for anyone who will stand in the box and not swing

DK: well, ask and ye shall receive as OMG is up

SS: let's let Soria make as big of a mess as he can

DK: and his patience at the plate approaches that of a Zen Buddhist

SS: ohmMG

DK: Curse you baseball gods, my head visibly hung there

RK: Seems something like that has happened every inning

SS: please give Tolbert the chance to be a hero

DK: and of course it would go to a full count just to torture us

DK: hate

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