Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Thing I Made
I found this in my photos doing some computer cleaning. This is an original 'Shop (this is slang for Photoshop, not Stop and Shop, Shop Til You Drop, or Kelly Shoppach). I present: Mauer throwing a Hadoken (I used to have the free time to do this kinda stuff?)
I... I think it's a metaphor?
Friday, December 03, 2010
What....
WHAT EVEN IS THIS THING?!
Friday, February 12, 2010
I Will Tell You A Thing About A Guy
We all live our lives with certain universal truths that shape our worldview, conduct our conduct, and produce our everyday lives.
Here's one of mine: Until proven otherwise, anybody could be a robot.
Like Nick Punto:
Turbo boost?
Good handling around the corners?
A lot of power in such a small machine?
NICK PUNTO IS REALLY THE FIAT PUNTO.
Here's one of mine: Until proven otherwise, anybody could be a robot.
Like Nick Punto:
Turbo boost?
Good handling around the corners?
A lot of power in such a small machine?
NICK PUNTO IS REALLY THE FIAT PUNTO.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
NICK PUNTO CRAZINESS
Developing... tomorrow... Nick Punto day. It'll be the snOMGpocageddon of the Midatlantic times infinity Rick Reeds in terms of ferocity.
Just kidding! Nick Punto is really the one day a year in which you're allowed to tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt. Take advantage, gents!
(Just kidding about the kidding!) MEET ME BACK HERE TOMORROW.
Just kidding! Nick Punto is really the one day a year in which you're allowed to tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt. Take advantage, gents!
(Just kidding about the kidding!) MEET ME BACK HERE TOMORROW.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
We Have Arrived
Readers guess what?
We are on the Twitter! Yes! It's HERE
Why is the username "PABlyleven"? Because of a dearth of available characters for screen names! We needed one more, and this, this will be the death of Twitter.
Until then we envision twatting tweets at members of the MNTwins that are mostly absurd, like @thisisdspan Your batting stance gaze is chilling. Do you do it at the ATM?
And then he will say who are these idiots.
And then people will stop with this whole thing.
The death of Twitter is imminent.
We are on the Twitter! Yes! It's HERE
Why is the username "PABlyleven"? Because of a dearth of available characters for screen names! We needed one more, and this, this will be the death of Twitter.
Until then we envision twatting tweets at members of the MNTwins that are mostly absurd, like @thisisdspan Your batting stance gaze is chilling. Do you do it at the ATM?
And then he will say who are these idiots.
And then people will stop with this whole thing.
The death of Twitter is imminent.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
The AL Central Must Be Defended
PREGAME
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.
I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?
Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:
RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants
WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.
TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.
RK: It could be worse.
TOP 1ST
RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!
TB: It seems so
WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets
RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse
TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.
WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?
RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?
TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee
WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel
RK: He's the ignoble assassin
WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.
RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing
TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.
RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!
WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.
RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win
WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.
RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on
WV: I see what you did there.
BOTTOM 1ST
RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better
TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.
RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes
WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?
TB: Nope
RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating
RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.
TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on
WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.
RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer
WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.
RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!
WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?
RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe
TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.
RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system
RK: Damn, a matter of inches
WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.
TOP 2ND
WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?
RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial
TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever
RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight
WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.
TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.
RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?
WV: Remember what I said about fisting?
RK: I try not to
TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay
RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play
TB: Exxxxhale.
RK: I was waiting to
WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child
RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!
BOTTOM 2ND
WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.
WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.
TOP 3RD
RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads
TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.
WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!
RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS
RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit
WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.
TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.
WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?
RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?
WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria
RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance
TB: Gah.
RK: The almost-double play looms large
WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?
RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this
TB: ROCKET BATS
WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.
WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.
RK: As is their wont!
BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0
WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.
RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large
TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial
RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it
WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.
RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does
RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way
TB: I guess that kinda works
WV: Little things
RK: I will again call a shot
WV: LITTLE THINGS
RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!
TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert
RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!
TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.
RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?
TB: It's time for a Kubelution!
RK: Gah that was his pitch
WV: My thoughts exactly.
TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1
TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!
RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything
TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?
RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T
TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.
RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time
TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks
RK: I think a lot of people can say that
RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up
TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?
WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.
TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is
RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone
WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.
RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper
TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?
TB: Again with the fisting
RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind
RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen
RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker
WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS
WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.
RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power
TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.
RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?
TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*
RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all
TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.
WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?
RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota
RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.
WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"
TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs
WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.
RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities
RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in
TOP 6TH, SAME
WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.
TB: Bean him
WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch
WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.
TB: We've done worse
RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.
RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!
WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)
RK: Right, getting naked with a horse
WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.
RK: It's a gameplan!
TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles
WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit
TB: KUBELUTION!
RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!
WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"
RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS
WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.
RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings
RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate
TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.
WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.
RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true
WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank
WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats
RK: Well well, Mr. V
WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.
TB: Called it.
RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that
WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!
TB: 150% improvement
WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.
TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome
RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome
WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES
RK: Well shit
TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1
TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?
RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE
TB: That no talent ass-clown
RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun
TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.
WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.
TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay
RK: But he said no pun intended!
WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.
TB: Speaking of insane
RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine
RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.
WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.
TB: Uhhhhhh
WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.
RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else
WV: Nope
TB: Can't call that a ball!
RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!
WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.
RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan
WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.
WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"
TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.
WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.
RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom
WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.
TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!
RK: Fisting all night for everyone!
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee
TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again
WV: So do you sac bunt here?
RK: I say hit and run
TB: I think Span needs to get on here.
WV: Wow how was that a strike.
RK: Anger salad is mixing
WV: GET OUT
RK: FUCK YES
TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RK: I cant feel my fingers
WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.
WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient
RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.
TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!
WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that
TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.
WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.
TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1
RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now
TB: Gulp
RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea
WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?
WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.
RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up
TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!
WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.
TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back
RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"
TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck
RK: He's too old for this
TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball
TB: SIT DOWN BITCH
RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes
BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4
RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here
WV: Ugh
RK: Couldn't even do that
TOP 9TH, SAME
TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!
RK: That was unfortunate
TB: This is not great
RK: Oh Jesus
WV: Granderson owns Nathan.
RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess
WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING
WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.
RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball
WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.
RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP
WV: THERE IT IS
TB: YES!
RK: ....or LIDP
BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED
WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?
TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).
WV: Haha
WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.
RK: Katie: No.
WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???
RK: LNP, you little bastard!
TB: I'm calling a triple
WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"
RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"
WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.
RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song
WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.
RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam
WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.
TB: Ho boy
WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.
RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?
WV: Ulger would've held him
TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.
WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!
TB: This oughta be good
TOP 10TH, SAME
RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?
TB: Crain?
RK: KK says Crain
TB: He's our best option I think
RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse
TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.
WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.
RK: It is many; it is legion
TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them
WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.
RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated
WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.
TB: What's wrong with that one?
WV: I have no clue
RK: Oh god.
WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.
BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1
WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?
TB: Yeah, I like this
RK: NO WAY
TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit
WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.
RK: Shades of Hunter in 06
WV: Indeed
TB: And it has come to this
WV: Grrrrrr
TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?
WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.
WV: Who is left on the bench?
RK: Sand Castle
WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.
TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...
WV: Double steal!
RK: I like it!
WV: Man, this is bad.
TB: No me gusta
RK: ME GUSTA
WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.
TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE
WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.
RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky
WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!
RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!
WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!
RK: I like my Japanese car!
WV: Oh fuck me.
RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats
WV: Good slide nonetheless
TOP 11TH, TIED
TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this
WV: My heart is begging for this to end
WV: Casilla was safe by the way
RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go
WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.
TB: More baseball...unbelievable
WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.
WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees
WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.
RK: It's still so cold in the D
WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?
RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good
TB: Keppel?
WV: Yessir
WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?
TB: Well, Gabino
WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.
TB: And Shipman
WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.
RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that
WV: Come on!
BOTTOM 11TH, SAME
RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?
TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.
RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"
WV: It was only a matter of time.
TB: Sigh
WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly
TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.
WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter
TB: Mauer
RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker
TOP 12, SAME
RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up
WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.
RK: Haha I'm a liar
RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!
WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.
RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that
WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."
RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"
TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that
RK: Our profession is a vocation
WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.
RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!
WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.
RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices
RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!
WV: Oh fuck
RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon
WV: Walk?
RK: May as well
TB: Yeah
RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)
BOTTOM 12TH, SAME
TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.
WV: Goodness gracious.
TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez
WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.
TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first
WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL
TB: dlmn?
WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'
TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy
WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb
TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year
WV: FUCK YEAH
LDJALKDJ
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS
TB: Uhh...hey look, we won
POSTGAME
I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.
