Monday, April 27, 2009
So...Um...Interns?
So WV and RK are sadly in absentia this evening, thus we shall continue on with their presence in spirit only.
PREGAME
It's hardly been a quiet two weeks in the world of baseball. There's the predictable (like the Yankees getting thumped at Fenway), the not so predictable (the Pittsburgh Pirates), and the downright absurd (two words: Zack Grienke, QTF?). Anyone who's a fan of the law of averages has to be having a ball right about now...
Anyway, el beisbol.
TOP FIRST
Hey look. flashes of Scott Baker. And flashes of inept umpiring.
Bert says that Rocket Bats needs to "bend over" more when he pitches. Not even gonna touch that one.
Hey cool. Only in the Metrodome do foul line drives = extra base hits. Must be some of that "creative accounting" at work. Suddenly I see the appeal of instant replay.
Bert: "Hey Coomer what're you smoking down there?" I sense impending fisticuffs in the break.
...Oh for the love of...
BOTTOM FIRST
Right, well baserunners. That's a start.
Bert: "Kubel is probably the plumpest guy in our lineup"
Dick: "Plumpest?"
Bert: "Yeah, plumpest."
Dick: "Right. 2-0 to the Michelin Man."
If the object of this game were to leave runners on base, I daresay the Twins would never lose.
TOP SECOND
Well, this is going infinitely better so far.
BOTTOM SECOND, RAYS UP A DEUCE
*yawn* 1-2-3. How bout that.
TOP 3RD, SAME
One can almost see Rocket Bats' inner struggle unfolding on the mound. 3 pitches down, 2 pitches up. Repeat.
Hey I like this now.
BOTTOM 3RD
Span the Bran Muffin ripping Niemann's no-hitter straight to right field.
HIT AND RUN DO IT
...or just walk. 2 on for Dr. Neau.
Riiiiiiight. We needs a Kubelution
Weirdest. Double steal. Ever.
*facepalm*
TOP 4TH, SAME
This has all the makings of a Dark Beard-esque start for Rocket Bats.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Right, c'mon guys. See ball, hit ball.
See? Dlmn gt th mm.
Oh look. 2 on, 1 out. Where have I seen this before?
Yep. Same thing, different inning.
TOP 5TH, SAME
DK: If only Sandcastle were made of Silly Putty.
DK: Bleh. Wild pitches = BAD. Idea: strand the runner.
DK: Well, so much for that idea.
TB: Right. I'm here, we can score now
DK: Leviathan really not having a good day back there.
TB: The Leviathan makes sure his ass is on a plane to Rochester on Friday
DK: In a word, crap.
TB: Right, So umm.
TB: Positive spin: Rocket Bats has quieted down and now allows runs like normal pitchers do.
DK: Activity in the pen.
TB: R.A. Dickey seems to warm up at the exact wrong time. "Wait, him? No..."
DK: Rays batting .800 with RISP. Twins batting .000. Coincidence? I think not.
DK: OK, like srsly guyz. Hit the ball already.
BOTTOM 5TH, RECENTLY EXORCISED BATOIDAEA 4, TWINS 0
TB: Death by a million fly balls?
DK: OK guys. If you're going to bunt, bunt. Don't fake a bunt and run out of the box scared before the pitch crosses the plate. Like really.
TB: Well...I...oh dear.
TOP 6TH, SAME
TB: Dear K-Bro: Would you rather have a tired Baker or R.A, Dickey in the sterile Metrodome air? Speaking of, has anybody ever measured the atmospheric pressure of the Dome? Seems like it would be higher
DK: Rocket Bats looks downright bi-polar.
TB: Well yeah, he is constantly in a battle to find his true self
DK: Right, I grow tired of repeating the mantra, but RUNS
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
TB: That'd be an out in Oakland.
DK: That'd be an out on a slo-pitch softball field.
DK: They do know there's an area beyond that wall where the outfielders can't catch it, right?
TB: You mean like that?
DK: Precisely. Someone must've charged up his solar cell.
TB: I'm waiting for the day he strikes out before the P.A. guy gets to "..Cuddyer"
DK: Beis on Bols, which seems like it’s our 17th one this game.
TB: You know, I think my friend Nick has a pair of glasses exactly like Joe Maddon's. Got 'em at a 50's car show. True story.
TB: Oh HELLZ yeah.
DK: I was under the impression that all you got at '50s car shows were '50s cars.
TB: Grant Ball-four has seven walks so far this season. Hilarity ensues.
DK: I'm going to chalk that one up to osmosis.
TB: Or the correct alignment of Jupiter. Some sort of mysterious mysteria.
DK: Yep. That was almost too predictable.
TOP 7TH, SHUTOUT GONE, STILL LOSING
DK: Well, at least that first knuckleball ended up in Leviathan's glove, and not somewhere in Anoka.
DK: Initial on initial hate right there - R.A. picks off B.J.
TB: R.A. should play catcher. He has as many putouts on the basepaths as does Leviathan
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
TB: Red hats? Are they Twins fans or Linux developers?
DK: It's that open source movement taking over baseball.
DK: All Leviathan does is hit line drives.
TB: Can't catch a pitch-out though.
DK: Sssshhh. Positive spin.
DK: I hear "Thriller". You know what that means.
TB: Why Pinko must be here.
TB: Some states would put you on the sex offender list for wanting to come up to the plate to the music of "Thriller".
DK: Two pitches right on the outside “corner” right there. Methinks something is afoot. Bert concurs and says that Dick should put on a chest protector and go down there.
TB: FORE!
DK: Fucklion time.
TB: All you can eat seats tomorrow. Rumor has it Livan Hernandez will be in attendance.
DK: There's a pitch called a Vulcan splitter?
TB: Obviously Span didn't know that.
TB: Cheeze louize Morneau. Swing the bat.
DK: That, be definition, is an atom ball.
TOP 8TH, STILL NOT WINNING
TB: Hey that umpire has a pretty cool mustache.
DK: I sense a small disagreement.
TB: A disagreement with the call and reality. Clearly we are not in the same frame as the Ump.
DK: Oh Bert...”Tie goes to the pitcher”, naturally.
TB: Morales obviously is not a master of the knuckleball
DK: I’m curious as whether OMG will catch knuckleballs, or whether the knuckleballs will just flock to his glove out of respect to his awesomeness.
TB: Well, uhhh
DK: Bert with an astute observation there: "That didn't knuckle".
TB: Pena has nine HR. Crazy shit right there. On pace to hit 85.
DK: any day the Yankees fall below .500 is a happy day.
TB: Well, 77. That’s my California math. I apologize.
DK: And Gabe 12x12 flies out.
TB: Yuk yuk yuk. Bert, you rock.
BOTTOM 8TH, CARTILAGINOUS SEA CREATURES 6, GEMINI 1
DK: In the postgame: Ron Coomer and Bert Blyleven on stealing bases. An authoritative study right there.
TB: Maybe they should bring David Ortiz and Sidney Ponson too just to add to the expertise.
DK: Yep, and then tomorrow we can bring in Denny Hocking to talk about hitting for power.
TB: I went to a game once and Denny Hocking hit a walk-off home run. Fact.
DK: CCR running the batting gamut here.
DK: Remember when all Cuddyer did was hit doubles?
DK: Gee, wonder where I've seen the Pear King do that before.
TOP 9TH, SAME
DK: Span just cold hauling that in.
DK: Aaaand Bartlett 1, Dlmn 0. That trade's really not looking too hot about now
TB: It is of course natural that Bartlett can now hit home runs. Joe Vavra you fool.
BOTTOM 9TH, DOWN BY A HALF DOZEN
TB: How the hell do you not pinch hit Brendan for Punto here. I guess in the grand scheme of things it is not so important.
DK: Down to his last out, Gardy's in manage-by-numbers mode.
DK: Maybe he doesn't want to throw the last piece of the Dlmn/Garza/Bartlett trade out there to prove that it was an epic fail.
TB: Oh look, Punto swung at an awful pitch.
DK: Well, fiddlesticks.
# posted by DK @ 8:08 PM 
