Friday, September 22, 2006

 

The 2006 Pinot Grigio, However, Is Fantastic

_________________
PREGAME:

RK: I'd like to think that Santana talked to Silva and said "Gordito, I failed in taking the attention away from our crazy president and on a much more deserving Venezuelan; namely me. Go now and distract people from Hugo Chavez".

RK: And also, personal to Justin Credible: Your average is safe. Hit the shit out of the ball. I want to see one leave Camden tonight

WV: I mean, we're just giving some helpful advice here. Treat the warehouse in right field like your personal bitch.

RK: Right, and if he doesn't hit one out, I expect him to charge right field with his bat like an enforcer on his way to a hockey fight.

WV: Pretty much it would give me a warm fuzzy feeling if anyone could hit the ball with RISP without hitting into a double play.

RK: You're right; baby steps.

WV: Still, it is imperative Morneau homers tonight. I won't take neau for an answer.

RK: I want to say Mor-yes! tonight

WV: [tap tap] Is this thing on?

RK: Only so much mileage out of the guy's last name.

WV: This is a path I'm not willing to go down. Pretty soon we'll be making puns and then I'll have to jump off a bridge.

RK: A final thought: Go Royals!

WV: Yeah, let's go Luke...gulp...Hudson!

RK: Hey, the Royals are 9-8 in September.

WV: And at least Ruffles Hernandez isn't pitching.

RK: You made that name up.

WV: I did. It's actually Runelvys. Remember in spring training? He got put on the DL for being overweight.

RK: Fattie.

_______________
1ST INNING

WV: My desire is that the Twins put this out of reach early so that Baltimore fans really have reason to walk out

RK: I want 2 people left by game's end.

WV: I want a feel good 18-2 kind of game. You know, the kind of game where Willie Eyre-in go bragh! can be put in and nobody cares.

RK: Right. The type of game where we end up discussing the wonder that is Dunkin' Doughnuts instead of baseball
I miss Dunkin' Donuts.

WV: Hey, Castillo gets the game started right

RK: A fuck. But I support the early aggressive basrunning.

WV: Y'know, if that throw is a little up the line, it's a run. And you've got Joe and a runner on second. A base hit gets a run.

RK: Let's just close our eyes and pretend the sacrifice went as planned. 1 out, man on 2nd.

WV Right. I'm all about make believe here

RK: And you're not referring to subpar Weezer albums

WV: I really do not agree with the decision to try to bunt Castillo to 2nd. It's not like we need to scrape runs across. Silva is pitching, we need to build rallies. There's no playing small ball here. There is nothing small with respect to Silva.

RK: Exactly.

WV Anyway, that'll be 6 Gold Gloves for Torii Hunter this year

RK: Well shit. 1-0 birds.

WV: Pretty much 2006 Silva so far. It was a bad harvest this year.

RK: At least the inning is mercifully over.

WV: But you're right, no more sacs - this could be a long night.

RK: If Silva gets the win here he should donate it to Hunter. And unlike bratty children, Silva never settles down after throwing a tantrum. He's like Foucault's pendulum.

RK: Y'know, he may have residual whiplash from watching all those balls shoot out of the park

___________________
2ND INNING

RK: Hm, Hunter tearing up the basepaths... shades of the Detroit series?

RK: Hopefully Jasonthing 2 can pick up Jasonthing 1 after he couldn't get the job done

WV: Doubtful

RK: The Pear King comes through. Viestenz, you can't let last night carry over. I want some sunshine from you!

WV: My bad, seeing Santana lose last night was like discovering professional wrestling was totally lame.

WV: And fake. But moreso lame.

RK: Silva looks nervously calmer

WV: Well he usually settles down after a couple innings

RK: And as I say this he issues a 2-out walk

WV He's been doling those out like tickets to a Ratt concert lately.

WV: Or do you prefer I use Quiet Riot or Whitesnake there?

RK: Neshek is going to break the laws of physics while throwing a baseball straight at you for dissing heavy metal.

WV: And Silva gives up a bomb.

RV: Notice I said he calms down AFTER a couple innings. Sigh....I give up.

WV: And all of the sudden, Silva's tummy starts to hurt.

RK: I swear to God Carlos, we thought you had turned a corner. A proverbial corner.

WV: I guess he turned the corner in the direction of ineptitude.

RK: We may be seeing Eyre, Guerrier, Perkins, Carl Willis, Les Straker any moment now.

WV: I think my stomach is starting to feel like shit.

RK: Another run. What did Rick Anderson tell him? There are only 2 outs in an inning?

WV: Is it too early to start watching the scoreboard and praying for losses?

RK: Hopefully this little losing streak is out of their system after this. Better now than the last week of the season/playoffs.

WV: The 2006 Vintage Silva really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. And it smells like a rat.

RK: Maybe he should throw underhanded. Or better yet, he should trying throwing HIS SIGNATURE PITCH. 90 mph grooved fastballs belt-high are not that.

WV: Sinkers are not to be found in this game. It's like watching Looney Tunes where the ball stops halfway to home and does loopdy loops.

RK: Well the slaughter is over for now. It's like the interwar period in Europe.

____________________
3RD INNING

WV: Even Jerry Crawford is taking pity on us by not calling obvious pitches strikes.

RK: But he had a bad call on Mauer there, but that's OK, because Joe got his revenge to the tune of a single.

RK: You know what I just can't get out of my head? Camden Yards, beautiful, blah blah blah. But 500 yards in any direction from the ballpark and you're in an episode of "The Wire".

WV: Can I lose the sunshine now?

RK: Yeah, it won't be long until we see Guerrier.

WV: Nope.

RK: Probably because Silva is nearing 200 pitches. But I'm loathe to refer to a 72 mph lob down the middle as a "pitch". Seems more to me to be a "gift" or a "dookie".

WV: I agree.

RK: And oh my God Silva has a 1-2-3 inning!

WV: Sound the alarms.

RK: Stop the presses and batten down the hatches and unleash the cliches.

______________
4TH INNING

RK: And Cabrera has 6 strikeouts on the night

WV: Maybe since we have such a tendency to make underachieving overpaid young pitchers look like the reincarnation of Walter Johnson we'll knock the socks off of Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina in the playoffs.

RK: And Hunter drops the ball.

WV: Well so that about balances out with his catch from before.

RK: I thought it was his ankles that were bad.

WV: Hey, there's been an out recorded. Reports are uncomfirmed - but yes, wait, we're getting the feed now, yes, the Orioles have made their first out.

RK: And hey, 2 outs with the runner still at 2nd. Is Silva picking a teamate up?

WV: Well now you're just being ridiculous.

RK: And then a 2-out walk and can we just put this thing on a continual loop for every inning?

WV: Giving credit where credit is due, because we're not unreasonable people, nice job pitching out of a jam.

RK: Hopefully it can spark the offense.

_________________
5TH INNING

RK: They desperately need some piranta action and that dinger by Justin Credible.

WV: They just need to swing the damn bats.

RK: Yep, that sunshine is completely gone.

WV: 3 up and 3 down.

RK: I'd have to say that the 2006 Vintage Cabrera is also of dubious quality except that it magically transforms into a 25 year old Bordeaux when you drink it and watch the Twins.

RK: Really, the 2006 Vintage Silva has been downgraded to "Stuff They Use To Clear Drains In Mexico City"

WV: And the Tigers are up 2-0.

RK: I see dark evilness in our future, namely, the Yankees.

WV: That's looking more and more likely.

RK: Wow, Silva giving up a single feels to me like a routine ground out for any other pitcher. The sense of relief that it wasn't smashed into the bleachers is quite pleasing.

WV: Castillo's like, "Back off Torii, you're not dropping the ball on this one"

RK: Slow game huh?

WV: Definitely not Vintage 2005 Silva.

RK: But hey, no runs!

____________
6TH INNING

WV: No score in the CWS game.

RK: We're calling them the Chicago White Flags tonight.

WV: Though that would've worked better had the Twins won.

RK: Third consecutive 3 up and 3 down.

WV: Twins have scored 1 run in the last 15 innings of baseball.

RK: That's a beautiful stat.

RK: Sweet God, I can't adequately tell you how badly Dimples misplayed this ball. It was drifting back and he's running across like he's trying to cut if off.He's going to get a talking-to.

WV: Poor baserunning, Dropping and misplaying flyballs: This is not a very Twins-esque performance tonight.

RK: And what's making it worse is that Silva's taking forever. Seriously, I think Al Leiter might even be critical.

WV: I say this without the slightest hint of sarcasm or snarkiness: Silva just accidentally struck someone out.

RK: And the White Flags are up 1-0.

WV: Fatuous asses.

RK: Silva might just be picking up another teamate here.

WV: Seems appropriate after his incident in Tampa.

RK: Eh..but there's another run. I was just going to say, have you ever seen a 4 to 1 game that seemed so out of reach?

WV: That 1 run there feels like 10. At least KC has tied it up with Detroit.

RK: And Seattle pushed 2 across.

WV: But still: Why is Silva so terrible against the O's? It's gotta be psychological. Maybe he owes somebody some money or something.

RK: He is unusually bad against this team.

____________
7TH INNING

RK: And y'know, you'll never see a gritty crime drama about the streets of Minneapolis like "The Wire" or "The Sopranos".

RK: Because it would be about what? Clean streets? Cops on bikes? Good drinking water?

WV: Hitting a little traffic on 494 trying to get to the Mall of America?

RK: How about a female working at a newspaper, breaking the glass ceiling?

WV: Moron, that could never be done. Stupidest idea ever.

RK: Whoops, my hat came off as I was twirling there.

WV: Yeah, it is a pretty inane idea. It's not like they would ever put a statue of said woman on Hennepin mall.

RK: And Seattle is up 5 to 1.

WV: And then a fielder's choice. SCORCHING OFFENSE!

RK: Not really a 'stolen' base there, more like a 'gifted' base.

WV: Hey, Rondell knocked Torii in! SCORCHING OFFENSE.

RK: What, you mean Cabrera isn't Satchel Paige.

WV: Jasonthing 1 struck out in a muy ugly way.

RK: At least José Contreras is out with the White Flags being down 6-1.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment stole a base.

RK: With heart.

WV: He's so wacky. I bet he tried to iron his shirt while wearing it like that one time. Or maybe he tried to change his oil while
going 60 on the freeway.

RK: Let's see what Castillo can do being the tying run.

WV: At least they got Nolan Cabrera out of the game.

RK: Ha, apparently Coomer is wearing a sweater vest. That's akin to putting lipstick on a hog, isn't it?

WV: It is. Or inversely, like a Frenchman eating Cheez Whiz.

RK: Hey, Castillo got the first piranta single necessary. Now a bunt single from Punto and some Mauer Pauer, we're in business. But I get ahead of myself.

WV: Sure would be nice to have that run we petered away in the 1st.

RK: Damn, Punto can't get the job done. But two runs I'll take. Two more in with their shaky bullpen with the power coming up can hopefully happen. Why do I do this to myself? Get all jacked up when I know damn good and well that the Twins are going to lose this game 5-3.

WV: The Orioles announcer just mixed up Dennys Reyes for Glen Perkins. It's like mixing up a Geo Metro with a Humvee

RK: I don't have to say how important is to put a 0 in this inning.

WV: Right.

RK: Hey a pickoff!

WV: ¡Viva México!

RK: And KC goes ahead 3 to 2. The baseball demigods are turning their favor onto us.

______________
8TH INNING

RK: Let me just say something really controversial: I'd love to see a Twins comeback here.

WV: And Mauer's first swing is a bunt attempt? Joe: see ball; hit ball.

RK: At least Jeter went 1-4.

WV: If he doesn't win the batting title does he still get the east coast media machine's support?

RK: Of course. Intangibles.

RK: Intangibles meaning "plays in the Bronx".

WV: Not a good way to mount a comeback, the meat of your order going down 1-2-3.

WV: Morneau hasn't hit a home run since September 2nd against the Yankees. That's 79 at bats counting tonight.

WV and RK: Juan Rincón can go straight to hell. You sir, just earned yourself a bury.

____________
9TH INNING & POSTGAME

WV: You know, one of the characteristics of traums theory is the presence of recurrent nightmares over which you have no control. This is what Silva and Rincon's appearances have become for me.

RK: I'd much rather see the magic number go down with wins instead of praying that everybody else loses.

WV: Good thing we're being chased by the White Flags.

RK: Yeah, who just closed the lead to 7 to 4.

WV: Well that's just peachy. What? A comeback? Get outta town.

RK: Well, this is a dark day in Ragnarok, back to scoreboard watching, hoping everybody loses.

Comments:
Coomer is wearing a sweater vest....
 
Coom looked adorable in his little vest. I kind of like him. He's very cheery.

Eyre-in go bragh...thanks guys. I've heard that my whole life, and I don't have a drop of Irish blood. This is a fun blog. It makes a loss to the Birds much more bearable.
 
Good work, very nice blog. Seems you enjoy working with/ on the internet. And
if something like that even pays off well, it would be even better, woulnd't it?

I chose you because you convinced meby all the effort you put into it. That
really convinced me.
For further information please look up my site www-franco.blogspot.com Please get more information
on....
 
Post a Comment



<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?