Pulling A Blyleven

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PREGAME:

Because William and I like commenting, and we love getting comments, we'd like to shoutout every comment we get in the next day's post. That way you'll be fighting over who gets to comment - but no need to fight! Take all the comments you want - I'll make more.

paco3791:

William and I are two of the sexiest grad students who have editorial control over this blog. We love our pictures being taken, and usually in the silliest of ways. I hope we answered your question about the pain, inevitability, but the ultimate triumph in Ragnarok. Also, the numerals after your name is so Lord of the Rings, right? Nerd MindMeld complete.

jmk:

I won't stand for any disparaging remarks about Charcarron. It's the best music video ever made, and I thank my lucky stars that you pointed me in its direction.

Dawnmarie:

I like Joowan in the first have of the season, before he balloons his ERA to 4.something. Also, the cereal is disgusting. As is Franken Berry. And people seem to have no damn memory at all about Fruity Yummy Mummy, but I do! All terrible. Count Chocula reigns supreme.

(sju)nick:

Yeah, I admit I'm also rooting for the Tigers here. Realistically, one more loss and they're pretty much done. What we forget as we lose the forest for the Bitch Sox, is that all the Twins can do is win their games, and that'll give them the best chance of winning their division. I also want them to take the Central, of course. More on that later. There's no guarantee the Jankees will win more games than the A's, so it's probably a little premature to be so caught up into where you finish for whom you have to play. I think it's just a good thing to win the division, as Dawn has mentioned prior.

shannon:

I'll anagram you. If you know what I'm saying. And if you do, could you let me know?

nick n:

Jesus...
You said it man.

OK the game. Phil Nevin has a Joe Mauer-esque batting average against knuckleballers, so it's a good thing he's in at DH. See Joe? That's positive reinforcement for your ass.

Dear readers, if you feel like commenting during our inning updates, feel free, and we'll answer in the post itself! So post-modern! Derrida would be proud.
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1ST INNING:

RK: Awesome! NESN! Maybe somebody will pahk the cah behind the garahge! And y'know, I'd ordinarily be critical of people pop fouling to the catcher, but wow, this knuckleball looks insane.

WV: Yeah, there's this guy you may have never heard of: Joe Mauah.

RK: Two out single, Joe! How do you do it? Is it your inherent sex-pot-ness?

WV: Good thing Mauah is there to dump Wakefield's garbage into right field.

RK: Being Doug Mirabelli must be like defending a goal in air hockey. Just a lot of guesswork.

WV: Strikeout of Dimples looking.

RK: Mauer can't do everything! Actually, I don't doubt that he could. I'd just prefer that didn't happen.

WV: Apparently, Cuddy is marrying a Portuguese woman who doesn't know much about baseball. So when he does something very bad I'm going to yell "muito mau!" so he gets the drift.

RK: Do you suppose people assume that by Portuguese he means Brazilian and they get disappointed when she's like, Portuguese Portuguese?

WV: Muito mau!

RK: Two quick outs from the Real Deal. I like it.

WV: If it were me pitching to Big Papi in Fenway I'd be curled up in a fetal position on the mound sucking my thumb

RK: That's interesting. I'm not pitching to Big Papi and I'm doing that anyway.

WV: I bet most long at bats with Ortiz don't end up favoring the pitcher.

RK: Well after 11 pitches, and after some hair lost, we record the third out.

WV: [Goes to class]

Ivy league, schmivy league.

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2ND INNING:

Justin Morneau, what I like about you: You hold me tight. blah blah blah something that rhymes with "-ight" and you hit doubles the other way! The baesball gods smile on doubles the other way.

NESN, why are you showing me Torii's injury from last year in Fenway? Trying to jinx things are we? I hope the Blue Jays overtake you guys in the standings.

Man, after White's first swing, I was going to nickname "Out #2". How does it feel to be prove me wrong, Rondell, huh? It doesn't happen often. (Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl. Remember, remember, the fifth of November, and Robert's NFL predictions) Minny grabs the early lead 1-rip.

Nevin wasn't looking hot against Old Eephus McDeadpitch, which was initially making me wonder if there's any reason at all the Twins got him, but a BB is adequate. But you're on notice, Phil.

Only 1 Jason in the lineup? What the hell kind of chicanery is this?

Let's just go ahead and give Mirabelli a break here. He should never have a passed ball catching this guy.

Oh my God, somebody immediately test Jason Bartlett for steroids - how on Earth did he clear the Monster? How many pears has this guy been eating? Yowza! (That's the corniest, and yet - admit it - most appropriate expression)

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict a short outing from Timothy Wakefield.

Homeruns, small ball, fake bunts blocking the catcher's view. So old school, and very piranta. Who's my little guy?

Damn, Mauer was retired. I suppose I'll have to check up on the Antichrist from Kalamazoo.

I'm liking what I'm seeing from Garza. I mean yeah, it's the first time pretty much of the Red Stockings have seen Garza, but he looks more comfortable and confident and like maybe he's putting a little meat on his bones. He must have gone out to dinner with Boof or something.

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3RD INNING:

The sight of Morneau spraying to all fields makes the fact that anything other than a fastball fools Cuddy easier for me to deal with.

Torii! Good God, at this point, you'll hit 30! You're making me start to think hometown discount maybe.

Good effort, White and Nevin, but with a 6-0 lead, I'm not even mad or anything! No, seriously. We're cool. Yeah, I don't know. We'll see. I might be a little busy to go bowling with you guys later. Well, you know hot it is. I'm flattered.

Heeeeh announcers making suggestive comments about cute girls from Maine holding signs.... Eeeeeewwww.

Real Deal, what does your uniform say? Oh yeah, it says Minnesota. It doesn't say Baltimore. That means you don't walk people. Mein Gott, you've got a six run lead, just throw the damn ball.

And your Gold Glove at 3B ends the inning. Seriously, spread the rumer. YOU may the difference, not only in forest fires, but in Gold Glove balloting.

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4TH INNING:

Wow, Loretta, that backhand was very Twinsworthy.

I like when Punto squats at the plate when the ball comes across. His strike zone becomes almost non-existent!

Alright, a couple of pirantas on base, Eephus McDeadpitch coming out, Mauer at the plate. Pour it on, fellers.

A quick aside: I don't mind the Red Sox, and in fact, I sort of sympathize with them. After the 5-game sweep of the Yankees and heart murmurs and Ramirez's... Ramirezness and Varitek's maladies, etc. Just goes to show you how a good farm system and an ability to play as a unit can really help through injuries.

Mauer, 1-3 is not going to cut it. It won't do. Here's my idea. Let's take a blood oath that you'll get hits for the rest of the game. Deal? Solid.

The Real Deal striking out Ortiz? That's only unbelievable for people who understand what it was like before Ortiz hit in front of Ramirez. Thankfully you all remember. Don't you?

Uh, my feed stopped. Remember, that means good things

Garza, you're tough as nails. Good thing you went out for dinner with Boof last night.

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5TH INNING:

kiz:

I agree that relieving Liriano seems to have been a turning point for Garza, but I'm especially impressed that it's Fenway, there's Big Papi and all, and he seems calm. I'm less impressed with him outlasting Wakefield because he just came off the DL, his rib is still fractured, and he's about 60% of his self. But hey, so far so good is exactly right. I'm hoping that Wakefield coming out spells some hits for Dimples.

And I spoke too soon. Groundout from Dimples.

Wait, how did Morneau get on? Is NESN hiding something from me?

Good piece of hitting from Torii, and I've been saying that a lot lately.

White and Nevin are still more or less the black hole in this lineup apparently.

I knew it. I did this to myself. No sooner did I think, "Wow, Garza's only given up one hit! Then does he give up the leadoff single to Hinske.

I'm going to make like Milli Vanilli and blame it on the rain.

OK, Red Sox are on the board. Do you think the Real Deal should still be in the game right now?

Follow up to the question, Mr. President: Didn't Coco Crisp used to be good when he played for the Team With the Racially Insensitve Name Which Plays Near Or Around Lake Erie?

I hate rain (as far as baseball games are concerned). Why must Ragnarok involve rain? Balls can slip, people can fall down, etc. It just makes me jittery, and I'm a nervous enough person as is.

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6TH INNING:

Luis Castillo, king of the Baltimore Chop.

OK, the announcers are really creeping me out. This dude's talking the super-handsome male model and "Flab-io", who's good-looking, where's their shirt well, making fun of the fat guy and WHAT THE HELL?!

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MODELS. BASEBALL. YOUR JOB IS BASEBALL.

I've met a model too, y'know. But a real one. Gisele. Yeah, that one. The Victoria's Secret model. But nobody cares because this is a baseball blog, dammit.

Remember our agreement Joe. We mingled blood. Oh you are so going to hear about this.

Whoops, missed the first out. I'm a bad bad person. Somebody spank me.

Garza, you needed that punchout something fierce. Now get the third out and get out of the rain! I don't want you to catch your death of cold!

The single to Lowell you did not need. But it doesn't matter. Just get the third out. But with 90 pitches I predict this is Garza's final inning and we're due for a Neshek sighting.

Shitshitshit, don't let them back in this game. Win the damn game. Just gnah! PENNANT RACE

Oh Jessie Crain. Dammit I'm stupid.

Oh God oh God oh God. Doubles off the monster are not what I need in my life right now. It's the rain, that's what it is. Stop raining, Ragnarok.

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7TH INNING;

Ever since the 100 RBI mark, Cuddy's bat has pretty much gone dead.

Hm, someone in the crowd was chanting "MVP." There are ramifications for that:

1. I agree. Unless you were to say the same thing about Mauer or Santana. I also agree then.

2. You're in the Bos-Wash sports media superstructure. Any opinion for MVP outside of Ortiz v. Jeter will get you sent out to the gulags. Remember, right thinking will be rewarded. Wrong thinking will be punished.

Oh fuck you NESN, you show the injury and now Hunter's hurt again. This has me muy nervosa. Is that an eating disorder? Is that too soon? I can never keep the distinction between the sacred and the profane straight in my head.

STOP SHOWING LAST YEAR'S INJURY, NESN!

There you go, pull a Radke and tough it out, pal.

I want the two remaining DET/CWS games to go 27 innings apiece. Then both teams will suck wind down the stretch, regardless of who wins. I like it.

Score some runs guys. Just a couple. Make me feel better and not like I have to eat my weight in tums.

And the Bitch Sox jump ahead 4-rip.

Did you hear that sucking noise? Yep, that was the 7 and 8 spot. Apparently, Phil's dogs have run away and White has lost his smiting stick.

Hmmm, I see Lew Ford in center... nervousness rising...

But oh, hello Jasonthing 1!

Crain, keep your shit together! Yeah, you hit Mark Loretta, you're pretty much going to come out of the game, and I suppose it might have just a teeny tiny bit to do with Ortiz coming up. Readers, we must keep continuing to conjure up the 2002 incarnation of David Ortiz.

Hey Dennys Reyes, what day is it? Mexican Independence Day, you say? Viva la revoluccion!

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8TH INNING:

Guys, before you start hacking at everything just to get out of the rain, score a run or two, OK? OK?

Grumblegrumble good catch Coco grumblegrumble.

Shit! Reyes gets the K but Mauer can't bring it in! Dammit!

And that's why this team is so special! You get the double play when you need it. You're putting me at ease a little bit. I'm still twitchy and it's still raining.

Down 0-2 and a liner to right. I have a feeling we'll be seeing Rincon now. But I've been wrong before.

And the Bitch Sox look to be in control, 6-0

Hey, I got it right! Hey Joowan!

Now stop throwing balls.

Right. The. Hell. Now.

Oh shit.

Rincon, you owe Nick Punto a pizza. Holy hell. Stuffed crust

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9TH INNING:

Oh, Joe. Joe Joe Joe. Sad face!

Cuddy does an interpretive baseball dance of the song "Lean on Me" by picking Joe up and doubling down the line.

Justin Credible, MVP. Take that Bos-Wash sports media complex.

The Lew Ford Experiment strikes out with heart.

I would say something about Joe Nathan, but I'm not worried at all. You know why? Because Joe Nathan is automatic.

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POSTGAME:

Well the Twins do their part, starting the winning in Fenway, and by the looks of things, at the end of the night they'll be half a game behind Detroit, and that bodes plenty well. I don't want to start talking about magic numbers, because again, a magic number for a wild card seems tacky, but it's getting down there.

All the Twins have to do is win their games and they'll end up where they need to be. It's a good thing we didn't have to blame anything on the rain, and let's hope to hell that Torii's not hurt, because even though I give him a lot of shit, he's actually pretty important. Keep your fingers and eyes crossed.

--RK