Pulling A Blyleven

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PREGAME:

Uh.... there's a Vikings game on. Just keep that in mind as you read this.

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1ST INNING:

Hey, it's Bert! He's back! How was your trip to Siberia, Mr. Flying Dutchman? Did the FCC get its pound of flesh?

Carlos Silva hey! I wouldn't mind all your innings being this short on this few pitches.

Dear Joe Mauer,
I lived in Jersey for a few years. Maybe behind-the-dish Blue is from Jersey too, and you with your aw-shucks golly maybe that ball bounced why don't you ask the 3rd base umpire because he just may have just might have gotten a better look at the ball ain't gonna fly with dirty Jersey types. All you can say what happens, Joe, in the most menacing way possible, "I hope you don't get into a car accident tonight" and then pull your cell phone out. You'll get the call next time. Works every time.

Your boy,
Robert

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2ND INNING:

Jay Payton hit a #@$%ing double, and he doesn't give a $#@% what some jack@$$ fans think about it and $#@$ them

Hey Torii, I know you've got to start thinking about the Nutcracker Suite, and how you're going to dance around for the Sugarplum Fairy, and don't get me wrong; I have a healthy appreciation for the arts. But don't prance your ass home. Get down and slide.

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3RD INNING:

I'd like to see the boys employ this revolutionary baseball tactic - and I think they're ready for it - it's "hitting the ball out of the infield." Seems like you might just win more games that way.

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4TH INNING:

Are we surprised that Frank Thomas hit a home run? 6 in 6 games, yes, but remember, this is Carlos Silva of the Silva school of pitching.

There you go Mauer, gotta keep that average up. This truly is a battle of good v. evil. You're the Ralph to Jeter's Jack. The Jesus H. Christ to his Anti-christ from Kalamazoo.

Cuddy Cuddyer, you get a pizza from me every night for the rest of your life. Anything you want on it? You want meat-lovers? You got it!

WV: Dimples is the man, shedding his baby fat image and showing some machismo and juevos

RK: E5! Poor pear-king, not getting an RBI, but that is so piranha

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5TH INNING:

Silva is looking good, and apparently the Vikings are not. I think I've made the right decision, and I feel sorry for William and his inborn Vikings alleigance, that he has to sit and watch it.

Punto, yikes! Don't scare your mother and father like that! Diving head first into... first is not the same as jumping off a building to go fly and save damsels in distress! But way to get a 2-bagger the hard way.

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6TH INNING:

RK: Silva's looking good, but I say that hesitantly. Might get a stomach ailment.

RK: And Torii takes Blanton yard!

WV: Sweetcheeks playing for that contract

RK: Hey, we'll get more for him when we trade him

WV: I kinda like this www.shutuptimmccarver.com

RK: I like it!

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7TH INNING:

RK: Punto needs to be considered for gold glove at 3B

WV: Or at least most improved player of the year.

RK: A Lew Ford sighting!

WV: It should be Lew Ford and the piranhas

RK: I wonder where D-Mohr is

WV: Flipping burgers... with lots of heart

RK: Well yeah, he does everything balls to the wall. I bet when he goes to bed his head hits the pillow hard

WV: He's with the Red Sox AAA, I think

RK: Oh yes, right, up in Pawtuckett

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8TH INNING:

RK: WHAT. THE. FUCK. Tying run at the plate, bases chucked, 2 down.

WV: I don't like the sound of that, but I have faith in our Canadian fireballer. I'll tell you this for free: John Gordon sure doesn't like this development.

RK: And Crain walks in a run

WV: My oh my. Why don't you bring in Nathan here? Ah, good call Gardy. This is what the Bush administration would call damage control

RK: Still, you don't like to see the bullpen falther like this

WV: Pop up

RK: I LOVE HIM

WV: Twitch 'n' pitch prevails again

RK: Seriously, I wish he was my dad

WV: Bartlett is representing the 3-headed Jasonmonster well tonight... man, Punto has been on a tear the past couple of games.

RK: I can't believe Sauerbeck hit Joe. Why do this? Why? Joe, remember my advice earlier? Do it with him too.

WV: Sauerbeck better leave before the Minnesota nice pervading the baggydome wears off.

RK: I think this will only galvanize the Twins to beat the A's into submission

WV: Billy Beane is just pissed that he traded for Milton Bradley. And there we go

RK: Dig the bloop single, Dimples

WV: I think this beating the other team senseless attitude can be attributed to last night's game.

RK: Hence why Santana should be considered for MVP. Gotta love Bert: "Call them what you want, 'pirantas' or whatever"

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9TH INNING:

RK: Man, Joe is throwing some statement pitches inside. Yeah, we know the Twins didn't forget, but is it worth the BB, Joe?

WV: With only 11 walks this season, you know that wasn't by accident. Wouldn't want that pristine ERA to go up. And I don't want to see Willie Eyre-in go bragh!, do you?

RK: Oh, I've had enough of him

WV: Joe, I'll give you all the ritalin in the world if it helps control your breaking pitches. Not funny, Joe. Really. Not funny.

RK: What is going on here? It's goddamn bizarro-bullpen tonight.

[A bunch of balls happened, and Robert was too verklempt to write anything. Sorry]

RK: If I knew Jesus was responsible for that, I'd convert back to Mere Christianity

WV: That's my little Joey Nathan. Nice CS Lewis reference by the way

RK: At least he can get a save out of this

WV: I like to see the K

RK: I was not prepared for that high drama. This bullpen has pampered me

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POSTGAME:

WV: So we have Liriano going tomorrow?

RK: No, Guerrier. Liriano and Garza are going to do some tag-team action. So I guess you see what Guerrier can do, hope they can cobble something together, that Liriano and Garza sparkle on Wednesday and you take it from there.

WV: And while I'm looking forward to the rest of the season with Liriano, I kinda hope he doesn't get enough innings to get back into ERA contention and mess up Santana's gem

RK: Right

WV: And what can you say about Silva's last couple of starts? Are these last couple a flash in the pan or a semblance of a late season turnaround?

RK: Well I hope it's the latter, but we're kind of stuck with him, so it's good to think that regardless if it's actually true