Sunday, September 10, 2006

 

But It's Good For The Tovar Fire Department

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PREGAME:

It's fitting to talk about Sandy Koufax here, and juxtaposing his numbers with Santana's. Santana is absolutely lights out, and this happening in A) The American League and B) Unlike Koufax, Santana can't have the mound be 12 feet above the ground at home. I forget where I heard this anecdote, but it goes something like this:

Hebrew boy: You should have seen Koufax pitch today! Nobody could hit him!
Hebrew mother: Is that good for the Jews?
HB: I don't know mom, but it's good for the Dodgers.

So while I don't know what it means for Goateed Venezuelans, hopefully Santana will be good for the Twins.

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1ST INNING:

Oh Johan, you're so cute, letting them hit the ball like that.

Sorry Mr. Monroe, where's the backwards "K" button on this thing?

When most pitchers make a mistake, it equals a homerun (see Silva school of pitching). Santana's mistakes mean lazy fly balls to the warning track.

Mr. Monroe, don't take it out with you on the field! That's why Punto scored. Yahtzee!

Cuddy and Morneau didn't do so hot, but I'm kind of looking forward to seeing the threeheaded Jasonmonster at the bottom of the lineup.

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2ND INNING:

Dear Blue,
We're all professionals here. Please act like it. Maybe your arm is sore, but you still need to punch people out when he throws strikes.

Thanks,
Robert

Torii Hunter, for all of my criticisms, hell, and I mean hell of a job running those bases. Especially without much help from the tri-partite Jasoncreature.

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3RD INNING:

Good Lord, Santana is getting squeezed like you wouldn't believe. 57 pitches already too! This does not bode well.

I like Punto's style, and I begrudgingly agree with Leyland's decision to walk Mauer and HOLY HELL STRIKE OUT THROW OUT, or in my case, a strike out throw up. Sigh.

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4TH INNING:

There is a nasty collusion right now between Santana not having his best stuff and the ump behind the dish (Relaford?) having a strike zone that dances around like Fred Astaire. I guess he'll just have to strike out everybody swinging then. Thankfully, he did just that.

Does the umpire not realize that this is Johan "Freaking" Santana? Y'know how some people used to joke that umping Ted Williams was so easy because if he didn't swing, it was a ball? If Santana doesn't grimace and say "Oh, excuse me, I didn't mean to throw that ball 2 inches outside," then you call a ball. Otherwise, strikes. Got it?

This offense is like me with the classes I teach. To wit:

I teach M-W-F

Monday I'm all jacked up and ready to go and discuss, etc. Wednesday I know the material and it's alright. Friday, I let 'em go 20 minutes early so I can go eat lunch at Jimmy John's.

Follow? They break out in the first few innings, get complacent through the 6th, and the final 3, they just want to go home.

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5TH INNING:

Hey, Dick got something right: Johan should have indeed won the Cy Young last year.

DETROIT TIGERS: JOHAN IS HERE TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. HE DOESN'T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU ILLEGALLY GAVE TO RELAFORD AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

Tyner, so close! But a leadoff triple will get you a pizza! From me. Yummy.

Bases chucked, 0 outs. If they don't score here, nobody gets a pizza.

It has been brought to my attention that I've been misspelling Reliford. But y'know what? I'm not changing it. Maybe his doppelganger, assumpire Relaford is indeed behind the plate.

Oh piss. Why did Shelton have to be so good defensively there?

Sac fly. I'll take it. I guess. I'm not thrilled because Cuddy has been a strikeout machine today. Sigh, you just hope that bases drunk, no out, you get more than a run. Thank Jebus Johan is on the mound.

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6TH INNING:

Santana starts a day earlier through the rotation this time around, and he's right at or a couple underneath 100 pitches... but I kinda hope he gets the 7th. I just can't believe that the way this game started he's in the double digits for strikeouts. Way to buckle down.

Intentionally walking Tyner after Kubel sac'd to get to Bartlett? Don't mess with the trescabesas Jasonhombres.

Good work, Bartlett. Sac fly is so Pirahna-like.

I have an e-crush on bat-girl, and as she'd say, triples are hottt.

A few more manufactured runs, a brokenhearted Bonderman, and all of a sudden it's 8-rip? A guy could get used to that.

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7TH INNING:

Johan, stop bouncing the pitches. Please. But please do end your glorious day with a strikeout. Beautiful.

Rincon, did you get your groove back?

WV: The White Sox should be ashamed if they let the Indians beat them without Hafner

RK: Y'know what I like about Santana? He's a cheerleader. He comes out of the game, he doesn't run to the locker room like a certain guy named Bonderman, and he has a blast in the dugout.

WV: Right, he doesn't take a bat to the manager's door like Mr. Lohse.

RK: Cincinnati is lovely this time of year, I hear.

RK: Say what you will about Morneau tailing off with power, but I'll take a 30/100 guy hitting 320 than a 40/80 guy who hits 240.

WV: I'll take a 320 hitter. And Cleveland goes ahead. HR from Victor Martinez.

RK: Beauty.

WV: Nice to see Torii still has a pulse; now let's just see if "shell of his former self" Kubel has to sac bunt again. 0 for his last 19.

RK: Definitely the weak head in the Triune Jasonhead

WV: Good Lord, have they loaded the bases every inning?

RK: Yeah, pretty much. Wonder they've only scored 8, but let's not bitch, hm?

WV: God doesn't want Tyner to hit a homerun. Ever.

RK: It's like the sequel to the book of Job.

RK: Death by a thousand singles here.

WV: Alliteration, allusion, erudition. Cleveland still threatening. Runner on second, 1 out.... adds another.

RK: Good good, gotta get that breathing room of a whole 1.5 games. 12-rip. This is officially a statement game.

WV: Right, keep piling it on.

RK: And they keep doing it with bloops singles and grounders up the middle. That's almost more frustrating than a few home runs. Oh my God, Mauer was retired. Can you believe it?

WV: I cannot.

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8TH INNING:

RK: Welcome to left field, Jason Tyner. God, Stewart could have made that play even with his plantir fascilitis or whatever the hell it is.

WV: Another run for Cleveland.

RK: We've had enough offense for one day, don't you think? And Captain Cheeseburger (again, tip of the cap to bat-girl) is still pitching.

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9TH INNING:

RK: Willie Eyre-in go bragh! going to trying to finish up the game. And not doing so hot

WV: Indians win, Indians win.

RK: Eyre, two things. First, stop giving up runs. Second, stop pitching like ass. The 4-6-3 gets you off the hook. But I'm watching you.

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POSTGAME:

WV: How do you feel about Guerrier starting on Thursday?

RK: I feel fine because Liriano's going on Wednesday. They could start you on Thursday and I'd be happy. In other news, Halladay left in the first inning with a shoulder injury. That should pretty much spell a mortal lock on the Cy Young for Santana.

WV: His closest competition is Wang, but his ERA is in the 4s.

RK: I'm not sure the leviathan Bos-Wash sports media complex can justify Wang over Santana.

NOW WE COME TO PRAISE, NOT BURY: The artificial turf in the Metrodome.

Sure you could give it Santana, but this sort of brilliance is par for the course, and sorry buddy, you set the bar that high for yourself. This goes out to all those singles the turf gave up, allowing so many singles that to be numerically expressed, they need a comma. I wonder what this team will look like when they have to start playing on grass.

Comments:
Hilarious! Any Twins blog that compares a strike zone to Fred Astaire is a-ok in my book. Keep up the good work
 
Dear Misters Blylevens,

Terrific stuff. I'll enjoy reading it. Please keep it up, and here's to Ragnarok!

Sincerely,
Batgirl
 
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