Pulling A Blyleven

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PREGAME:

RK: So apparently, MLB multimedia pacakges are blacked out before certain times on Saturday and Sunday.

WV: That's ridiculous, inane, and don't they know we have a blog to write?

RK: Exactly, but it's apparently some sort of international agreement thing, I don't know. What do I look like, a law student?

WV: So we're stuck in gameday hell.

RK: Pretty much. Many apologies if the quality suffers as a result. But please, give us word from the outside. Tell us the funny things Bert says. Oh, Dick and Bert. We only had a couple of days left together and we have to miss this one now. Le sigh.

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1ST INNING:

RK: Again, Redmond in the 3-hole, with - doth my eyes deceive me - Jason Kubel in as the DH?

WV: For the first time in about... since we started this thing, the Tripartite Jasoncreature is fully intact!

RK: Hopefully we can welcome Kubel back into the fold.

WV: And also hopefully, on an unrelated note that the Royals continue their impersonation of the '27 Jankees. As you said yesterday, there's nothing existential about Nevin and Kubel's persistent elusiveness.

RK: It's a purely practical consideration.

WV: And Garza gives up the 2-out single.

RK: Well, it's not like the Flags have their A-team out there today.

WV: Let's see if Garland can do his Carlos Silva impersonation for one more start.

RK: No Thome, AJ or Konerko

WV: I guess Ozzie doesn't like Detroit

RK: Though I believe Sandy Alomar hit his first dinger in about 18 years the last time we played.

WV: I believe that is a true fact.

RK: Hm, Matty's not looking so hot right now. Perhaps Rocket Bats got in his head after all

WV: He is a young one, after all

RK: Thank you, Rob Mackowiak

WV: Rocket Bats probably isn't allowed anywhere near the rest of the staff, Gardy's orders.

RK: I'll bet he's contagious.

RK: You know what I love about gameday? The way it doesn't update until after the first batter has gotten out! Awesome job, guys! I am going to throw myself in front of a train.

WV: Did you know Mike Redmond hasn't committed an error all season?

RK: Nor has he committed a home run all season.

WV: Well, we gave drag queen Judy Garland a 1-2-3 8-pitch first inning. Jankees then?

RK: Yep.

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2ND INNING:

RK: Sweet God, gameday. I just missed the first two outs of the inning.

WV: Well, hopefully Garza can stay on it. He's basically pitching to the Charlotte Knights and Ron Mackowiak

RK: Which is an excellent lounge act name, by the way. Maybe reversed. Ron Mackowiak and the Charlotte Knights.

WV: R-Mack has his post-baseball career all figured out.

RK: You either apologize for saying that or go to the Angels broadcasting booth.

WV: My apologies.

RK: Again with the 2-out singles.

WV: Garza's like me when I'm 1 or 2 pages away from finishing a paper. I start playing flash games, reading blogs. But eventually I get it done.

RK: Dude, Chaos Faction is awesome.

WV: And the air-mail from Cuddyland misses its post.

RK: This looks strangely familiar... to the first inning.

WV: Football game in the state of Virginia today. His focus is elsewhere.

RK: And since they play Duke, it may be a game UVA can win.

WV: Isn't there a Tech game today?

RK: I thought Blacksburg seemed eerily quiet.

WV: And more runners stranded. Welcome to our reality, White Flags.

RK: Garza's vying to be the first pitcher to throw a shutout and give up 18 hits.

WV: Maybe Matty needs an anagram.

RK: I'm on it... Zagat Mart

WV: For all your restauranting needs.

RK: Once again, 2 outs I don't see, and Gameday, once again, you can blow it out your -

WV: As I was saying Garza's thrown 35 pitches, Garland will have thrown about 12 after this inning.

RK: That's what drag queens do. They preserve so they age better.

WV: Do we really need to keep doing the late inning thing? Can't we score some runs, like, right away?

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3RD INNING:

RK: Wow, I didn't miss an out! And luckily I got to see a virtual representation of Brian Anderson striking out. Which I guess is actually a pretty common sight.

WV: Gload....funny name. The definition could be, "one who boasts about enlarged lymph nodes"

RK: Don't starfish use those to reproduce?

WV: A 1-out double? Matt, you've got to wait until you get two outs before you start doing that.

RK: Stick with the 18-hit shutout program!

WV: The food at Zagat Mart is pretty inconsistent today.

RK: I'd have to drop it to 3 stars right now.

WV: How you walk Mr. .154 John Fields is beyond me.

RK: I'll bet that drives Gardy crazier than anything.

WV: Well, the 18 hit part isn't broken up, but the shutout is.

RK: Giving up 6 hits in 2 and 1/3 IP is awesome.

WV: If you're Rocket Bats.

RK: And it's 3-0.

WV: Radke starts game 3 then, huh?

RK: Even if he's missing his right arm.

WV: 0-4 with a 6.67 ERA at home this year. Likely to be 0-5.

RK: Can we just put in Willie Eyre-in go bragh! so this stuff doesn't come as a surprise and depress us so much?

WV: 4-0 on the groundout.

RK: With our current offensivefutility, this lead is pretty much insurmountable.

WV: There are probably very few unforgivable sins.

RK: Is one of them 4-pitch walking Sandy Alomar Jr.

WV: Yes, that gets you an immediate Guerrier replacement.

RK: Well thank God that's over.

The first leg of the Triune Jasonhead can't get the job done. If I were Tyner and Bartlett, I could consider Kubel on notice.

Guys, somebody needs to light a fire under you. Does it bother you that you're being beaten by a drag queen?

It apparently doesn't bother Tyner at all.

nate p: I groan, but still, I wish I could be watching.

Maybe they're all just trying to get out quick so they can hear Judy do a rendition of "Somewhere over the rainbow"

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4TH INNING:

With the way things have been going, I'm not heartened by the 2 quick outs that Guerrier has gotten. If today is any indication, it's now time for 4 straight hits.

1-2-3 inning! Somebody needs to exorcise Rocket Bats out of Garza's head. The power of Radke compels you!

Good Lord, I walk away for a few minutes to check on some college football and the drag queen put them away again. I'm going to go ahead and predict shutout here.

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5TH INNING:

Oh dear, Guerrier, not you too.

Dear readers, my apologies. Gameday is just too much for me to take. I find myself wandering back into the living room to watch come college football and then coming in here to check up on what's going on. I just don't have the fortitude to sit and watch graphic representations to describe the game. Damn you, MLB. Damn you and your policy of blacking out all games before 7 EST on Saturday.

I like the pickoff of Iguchi, but I don't so much dig the RBI. Remember guys, the game apparently doesn't start for the offense until about the 8th inning.

Dimples, I know you're excited. UVA is beating Duke. But everybody beats Duke. Duke sucks at football (insert your own lacrosse joke here)

Morneau gets a little something started, which is good to see. I'd like to see them at least keep this game close. Good lord, such low expectations from a playoff team.

Gnah, they can't even get a mini-rally going against Judy.

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6TH INNING:

I'm tempted to just start talking about something else entirely. Would anybody mind terribly? I mean, sure there's been some decent defense on the basepaths, 2 pickoff attempts-cum-caught stealings, but there has been two errors, and they're bunting in the 6th when they're down 5? Call me skeptical. And then the inning ends, but with a runner stranded on third. That doesn't even count as a moral victory.

I know everybody's talking about how this team is similar to the '87 squad. And how after they clinched a spot they pretty much lost every game after that. But this isn't the kind of momentum you want carrying you into the playoffs, especially agains the Jankees.

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7TH INNING:

SO, SO, HR, today's MO.

nate, Eyre-in go bragh's warming up? Awesome. It's a good thing it was proscribed in Ragnarok that this series wouldn't matter, huh?

At least this is going relatively quickly. Duke is still losing.

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8TH INNING:

It's not that I have anger salad. More just kinda sad that the bats have gone totally silent. And that of course worries me.

Again, so sorry, but I'm cooking and reading and watching football, and doing whatever else I can to get my mind and eyes off of this game. God I hate gameday.

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9TH INNING:

Perhaps AJ will pinch-hit a Grand Slam this inning. Could there be a more perfect coup de grace?

OK, looking on the bright side, Willie Eyre-in go bragh! had a pretty good outing today.

I know there are runners on 1st and 2nd with nobody out, but you're not getting excited, are you?

(I admit, seeing the red dot go past the outfield for the 3-run homer got me a little excited, but it's still a 3-run deficit here)

But what I want to know is why wait until the ninth inning to do all this stuff? Why not, for example, score in the first?

I'm just glad the shutout has been broken up and... wait, HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Rondell White, I hope to hell you're swinging a hot stick.

Well that didn't take long.

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POSTGAME:

Yeah, this game was an existential funk for all of us. And while it's easy to get down and say "Oh no, we're playing like crap and there just went the division because come on let's face it the Tigers are not going to get swept by the Royals" that's OK.

I mean, congratulations, Judy Garland. You win the Chelsea pier sho-tune karaoke contest.

And congratulations White Flags, for the win. But you know what doesn't change? After tomorrow, you guys still have to go home and deal with Tommy Lasorda telling you to watch the playoffs. I wouldn't want that either.

And our Twins? Well our Twins get to keep playing. I hope padding your stats was a bunch of fun. Enjoy the offseason tomorrow, bitches.