Monday, September 25, 2006


Do You Feel The Earth Rumbling? Or Is That Just The Central Division Lead?


RK: You do my friends, because don't look now, but CWS is trailing The Team With A Racially Insensitive Name That Plays Near Or Around Lake Erie by a few runs.

WV: So we should mention the competing eschatologies.

RK: Right, Batgirl makes a good observation that De La Rosa (literally translated "Man of Wax") has an ERA that is also the mark of the beast, or 6.66. Keep in mind that his ERA will, after the first inning, go up. You heard it here first.

WV: I think Ragnarok wins here.

RK: Which is what religion is all about.

WV: And it's not a far cry to imagine Joe Mauer putting on a viking helmet in a place where a bunch of blonde-haired blue eyed people go to watch a team called the Vikings.

RK: So we've mentioned their pitcher. Who do we have?

WV: Bonser and Herzegovina.

RK: Freedom, bitches. Postseason freedom.


RK: Hm, Rondell is out with "leg issues"

WV: And a quick out.

RK: And two! Every time Bert has a flub, I get a little short on breath, like he's about to pull a Blyleven.

WV: Wait wait whoa [William needs to listen on the radio]. Does his hoverboard have issues?

RK: DeJesus, Boof, get this dude out.

WV: He obliges. He must have some pickled crawdads waiting for him in the dugout.

RK: Maybe Silva could learn a thing or two about ground balls from Boof. Sorry.

RK: Y'know, Dick and Bert, the Royals know they need lots of good pitching. You don't need to pile on.

WV: The leadoff walk will come back to haunt. His AL ERA is 5.32, let's see if the Twins can up it to 6.66.

RK: This number keeps coming back up... it's the apocalypse!

WV: No. Ragnarok.

RK: Right.

WV: Good job, Nicky. I was beginning to think that the .245 team BA in September was just way too low.

RK: The pirantas are feasting.

WV: And Mauer comes through with that sweet swing of his.

RK: And Castillo said, "Mr. Ullger, thank you for your advice, but I believe I will stampede home and score in accordance with the principles of Ragnarok."

WV: Hey everybody listen, we want a picture of Joe wearing a viking helmet. The bigger the better. Please make this happen.

RK: We'll buy you a pizza. Oh hooray, a Roy Smalley conversation.

WV: What, is Smilin' Brian on vacation?

RK: Or on a Born Again Baptist retreat.

WV: Leave it to Dimples to ground into the DP.

RK: And Cleveland tacks on another.

WV: Justin really is due right about now.

RK: To hit it up the middle into the shift the KC defense is employing, I'm sure you meant to say.


WV: Wow, being up only a run almost feels like we're losing.

RK: Yeah, that inning definitely had the potential to get all blow'd up.

WV: Cleveland's up 6-1.

RK: Y'know what else I'm rooting for? Toronto to overtake Boston in the standings. Nothing against the Red Sox, just that I'd like to see the standings shaken up a bit.

WV: And an out made in Cuddyland.

RK: Somehow he'll make that into a form of hitting into a DP

WV: Torii Hunter! Where have you been all my life?

RK: Pretty much doing that day in and day out.

WV: Oh.

RK: Sit down, Mr Costa! Bert, whoa whoa WHOA! Stop. I know you want the crowd to yell "Boof! There it is" after he does something praiseworthy, but it's not a good idea. Especially when you do it. Into a microphone. Where I can hear it.

WV: Very nice. So if you're setting the rotation for the playoffs, is Boof the number 2? We should maybe discuss this before his mastery of the woeful Royals clouds our vision and elevates expectations.

RK: Well, between he and Silva, it's tough. Silva has experience but is obviously not so hot. Bonser and Herzegovina has never been adequately tested. Put me firmly in the "Let's just hope Radke comes back" camp.

WV: Oh you are one irascible SOB.

RK: Oh that was a strikeout huh? Yeah, I guess it was.

WV: A Phil Nevin sighting!

RK: Shhhhhh (that never gets old, does it?)

WV: And the second out? Back to your hole, Phil.

RK: What, is he a trapdoor spider?

WV: Hmmmm...

RK: Two Ks for De La Rosa and sat down 5 in a row? QTF, hombres?


WV: Though striking out Jasonthing 1 isn't exactly like nuclear fusion here.

RK: Good point. Oh my God, the intro showed Mauer lazily lounging on the carpet and OH MY GOD HE IS SO SEXY! (Oh wait, that was my Quicktime getting all Janky Lo-Fi and restarting the whole damn broadcast. Still. Pretty pretty pretty pretty sexy.)

WV: And Cleveland tacks on another to make it 7-1.

RK: One down (and 3.6 to go - sorry)

WV: And two.

RK: As Bartlett's running away from the barrel of Berroa's bat, you can tell he's thinking "Good Lord, can you believe this shit? This thing's still coming after me! Hahaha, I hope nobody cool or famous is watching."

WV: He almost ended up in Tyner's arms.

RK: A tender moment. The Bartlett and Tyner families will be getting adorable Christmas cards this year.

WV: I like Boofarino when he's got that "let me strike them out to end the inning" mindset.

RK: Cleveland makes it 8-1. I like where this is going.

WV: 10-1 CLE.

RK: anonymous, we wish we were kidding you. Really.

WV: V. Rivas, believe me, I shake my head when Robert tries to translate Spanish. I'm getting a PhD in Spanish literature and this uncultured ass just makes stuff up.

RK: Hey, I know enough. I know it means "from the pink"... now.

WV: Which you could make the argument that we all are.

RK: In a purely biological sense.

WV: Little Nicky's got his big boy pants on today.

RK: 14-1 Cleveland. can we just put this one in the books?

WV: Yeah, I never thought I'd be happy about Casey Blake hitting a grand slam. Only because there's a 98% chance it would ordinarily come v. the Twins.

RK: John Garland, 5.1 IP, 8 ER. Very Silva-esque.

WV: Wow, Michael Cuddyer has really just kinda not looked good these past couple of games. GIDP and K so far. Pretty inauspicious.


WV: So Boofarino has a perfect game going.

RK: Shhhhhhhh. We mustn't e-jinx him.

WV: We mustn't. But is there anyway we can jinx Cuddyer into realizing he's in the batters box when those pitches whiz past him into the catcher's mitt?

RK: Diabolical!

WV: Oh God, we screwed it up.

RK: Sorry, Boof.

WV: Though the GIDP still make sure he's facing the minimum number of batters for now.


WV: Dan Gladden seems to think the Royals doth protest too much concerning striking out and close plays at first.

RK: Not from what I saw, but who am I to contradict Dazzle?

WV: You shan't. Then again, Gladden doesn't even know he's not in Baltimore anymore.

RK: They just combed his hair and pushed him out there... "Boy it's cloudy here!"

WV: 10 more feet, Justin... 10 more feet.

RK: Let's see if Torii can take an entire swing before grounding out.

WV: Well I'll eat those words gladly if you keep hitting doubles, Torii.

RK: anonymous; Yes, William and I would ascribe to your hypothesis. Being currently enrolled in a methods class, I appreciate the distinction between hypothesis and theory.

WV: Maybe I should criticize every batter before they hit. I'd like to see a Phil Nevin RBI here. As in Run batted IN by Phil NevIN.

RK: Torii steals third!

WV: Dear God, I hope Ullger didn't wave him home.

RK: Nevin walks.

WV: Probably smart move to do that.

RK: Jasonthing 1 throws down the metaphorical gauntlet to Jasonthing 2. It's a battle of the singles.

RK: Scott Baker looks sad in the dugout.

WV: His girlfriend of two weeks probably is going steady with the captain of the football team.

RK: And he probably understands that he's not going to be on the postseason roster.

WV: And Punto strands three. Hope you weren't eating the hubris after all!


RK: Oh Torii, it's OK, you can't catch them all.

WV: And the no-hitter goes away.

RK: I'm not nervous at all.

WV: A strikeout would be useful here.

RK: Boof knows what's up.

WV: Um... a strikeout here would be useful, also.

RK: And the one after that too.

WV: In fact, everybody from here on in.

RK: Good catch, Torii. Ha, Bert. I could never quit you. "Nick Punto's a cat, but Torii Hunter's just a bigger cat."

WV: And the catches are made and everybody's happy.

RK: My life is an unending waking nightmare.

WV: Right.

RK: Joe, remember how in Street Fighter II, when your friend would hit start on controller two of the kidney shaped Sega Genesis and it would go "Here comes a new challenger!" and then they would select Blanka and just hit punch over and over and electrocute your ass? Well here comes a new challenger to your rightful batting title, and it's in the form of Robinson Cano. Don't let him electrocute you.

WV: I'm just waiting for the requisite ten runs that the Royals allow every game.

RK: Yeah, I'm not sure how, with this lineup, they've only got two, but hey.

WV: Is it final?


WV: But the Twins must remember to keep their head in this game.

RK: Ragnarok is on like Donkey Kong!

WV: You must have played a lot of video games growing up.

RK: My share. Torii walks, and the pink wax man is out.

WV: And so is Phil Nevin.


WV: So that's 8 LOB now, huh?

RK: Yep.

WV: John Gordon keeps pumping up the "big series v. the White Sox"

RK: Poor guy.


RK: It's been proscribed in Ragnarok. Wait, how did Berroa knock that out?

WV: Isn't Berroa the same one who nearly went on the DL for walking around the Mall of America the last time they were here? Sprained his foot walking around or something?

RK: I have no idea, but I hope that's true.

WV: Well it is. I went and looked it up. What the hell kind of student are you?

RK: One with many technics.

RK: Nick; have you noticed I've referened Homestar Runner about 3 times now? If so, awesometime.

WV: Well both the Antichrist from Kalmazoo and his minion have finishes 2-4 on the night.

RK: Mauer's wearing the helmet. He know what is to be done.

WV: What?

RK: Um, you're going to have to watch highlights. Any self-respecting baseball show will show you how the Pear King sacrificed.

WV: Did he duck, in case the bat was coming after him?

RK: He probably reads this, and I won't get in the way if he wants to kick your ass.

WV: Right. But hey--Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden.

RK: Good point. A run would be phenomenal here. A little piranta action out of Punto.

WV: And Punto delivers. Definitely was not eating the hubris.

RK: Those big boy pants are here to stay. No more huggies for Little Nicky.

WV: And walking Mauer to get to Cuddy? Actually... I kinda understand that.

RK: Seriously, this guy can't hit anything other than a fastball.

WV: Cuddyland is like driving through Scranton. You do it to get to DC to avoid New York, but you have no intention of staying.

RK: And then he strikes him out with, of course, a fastball.


RK: I'd like to see Boof get seven solid innings.

WV: It's within the realm of possibility.

RK: And Toronto moves ahead, your hopes have come to fruition.

WV: 100 pitches for "John"

RK: Let's hope we get a one hopper to Bartlett.

WV: Bonser, you've done a hell of a job.


WV: Is responsible for the runner on first, but you know Reyes is going to squash Costa. Literally.

RK: And Reyes does the job, does like his ERA says he does.

WV: Bonser is much improved, especially later in games. Especially later in games. His ERA between pitches 76 and 90 on the season is only 3.18 (I love yahoo sports)

RK: And Torii just got himself a contract extension.

WV: Nevin's like, if my name had two consecutive i's I would have knocked one out too.

RK: Alack and alas.

WV: Well let's pack this up and get to the postseason.


RK: I'm just counting down at this point. 5 outs to go.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment sure requires a considerable amount of test runs.

RK: It's gotta be valid and reliable.

WV: I imagine the more iterations the experiment performs the more we're positive he can only hit fastballs on the inside part of the plate.

RK: Four outs to go.

WV: Neshek looks sharp.


WV: And the umpire graciously calls Mauer safe, letting him finish 2 for 3.

RK: He must win the batting title. Victory! (Hm, we're a little early for Entourage references)

WV: .349

RK: And Cuddy comes through and takes the extra base on a throwing error.

WV: Jusin Credible!

RK: Mor-yes! With Dye out of the race, how is this guy not MVP?

WV: We've only been calling it now for four games.

RK: This guy is in the top 5 in way too many offensive categories to not be the MVP.

WV: And in comes Nathan to fittingly usher in the second phase of Ragnarok.

RK: Deservedly so.

WV: Morneau now 11 RBIs from breaking the single season team records set by Killebrew.

RK: Unlikely.

WV: But the Royals are good slump busters.

RK: Good point.

WV: DeJesus proves that you shouldn't fuck with the Jesus.

RK: Gotta give up one hit.



WV & RK: People, there's nothing we can say. Enjoy the ride. RAGNAROK.

nice start. Thankfully, this is not the same Boof that I saw suck entirely against these same Royals on July 4th.
Boof, there it is? Are you kidding me?
Gotta like your chances with Torii playing like a 90s Griffey on both sides of the ball!!!

oh no, bert just dropped a "BOOF, there it is." you know, if he were an ironic 20-something making fun of his youth, that might be funny (by just a tiny bit)...but it's Bert trying to be cool, so it's just painful.

oh, and it may be different in another dialect, but I know 'Rosa' means pink in Mexican Spanish. just sayin'...
I have a theory that the more hair Boof grows on his head/face, the better he pitches. Well, it's not so much theory as a hypothesis but I'm working on a way to test it none the less.
In Cleveland, in the immortal words of Strong Bad, IT'S OVER!!!
Was that a Ben Folds reference in the 3rd inning?
Well, my 'Justin is stopping at 33 home runs' theory is shot to hell. But I'm okay with it. I heart long ball. I called a K, and then he hit it out of the park. I also called a K on Torii's homer. I need to continue making ridiculous prophecies, apparently.
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