Thursday, September 14, 2006


Eschatological Ponderings and Ruminations


Well, it seems that Liriano didn't have any new damage after his re-aggravation yesterday, so hopefully he can be around for the 2007 season. And yes, let's look forward to that, but let's also keep in mind that they're in a pennant race. To be too concerned with potentialities, with what may be, we don't appreciate what is. Nothing is certain, and we stare into the abyss, but there is a comfort in the unpredictability involved in that. Let's just enjoy the rest of the season and hope for a favorable outcome.

Today begins: RAGNAROK (explanation in post-game, and for a very good reason. Aren't you titillated?)


A word: I like the Cleveland announcers. They really seem to know the game, and give credit where credit's due, to either team. I can definitely get behind that. Unlike that jackass "Hawk" in Chicago. The way he says "he gone!" makes me want to put my face into a pot of boiling water.

Cliff Lee, who's afraid of the big, bad Mauer? You? Oh. Well, I guess I would be too if I were a pitcher facing the rightful heir to the batting title.

Cuddy was robbed of his rightful triple digit RBI total! Later, Michael. Take revenge.

Morneau can be such a tease. After building me up and thinking "wow, great at bat! Fouling off pitches, laying off the slider! Surely there is one to three RsBI in his future!" Then he takes strike 3 looking. On the plus side, Cliff Lee has thrown mucho pitchos.

I have a good feeling about Boof "John" Bonser.

Is there a certain level of poetic justice in Boof wearing AJ's old number? (26)

By "good feeling," I did not mean "leadoff walk," Boof.

Oh shit.

Web Gem for Castillo! Do you suppose it's possible to have natural grass in the Dome and just re-sod every day?


"Go Forth, Eorlingas, and Avenge the Go-Ahead Run"

Y'know, if you were to ask me: "Which second coming would occur first; Rondell White or Jesus of Nazareth?" I wouldn't have known how to answer that. Now I do. Rondell hath returned. With a flaming bat in one hand, and a bowl in the other? Doesn't something with seven heads come out of the sea? I'm not up to date with my apocrypha. Mel?

A Phil Nevin sighting! Shhhhhhhh, don't scare him.

Way to have the sleeve of your uniform take one for the team, Pear King.

Bases chucked, one out... this could be very good or very disappointing. But who's number one? In the batting order, in our program, and in our hearts: Luis Castillo

I may have made that up. And with that pop-up, I take it back.

Sigh, Cliff Lee is doing everything within his power to lose this game. Why can't you let this guy commit baseball Sepuku? He clearly wants to. Grant him his wish. I'm not gonna say anything about a pennant race, because I don't want you to be nervous.

Jeter has a single in the first. The forces of evil cannot win this battle, Mauer. Jeter is the anti-christ, the false prophet, and the head of the World Bank (?) all wrapped into one. One smirking bastard.

Do you think Jhonny Peralta has to have his cheeks drained occasionally? Be honest.

Who's Joe Crede? I'll tell you who Joe Crede is: Joe Crede ain't shit. Who's Alex Rodriguez? I'll tell you who Alex Rodriguez is: Alex Rodriguez ain't shit. Who's Mike Lowell? I'll tell you who Mike Lowell is: Mike Lowell ain't shit. Your 3B Gold Glove, Little Nicky Punto.


Mauer, you need to keep pace with the evil one! RAGNAROK is upon us! Oh balls.

Wow, Justin Credible has a Kirby Puckett "Nose To Toes" strike zone.

Torii, you're like a bad girlfriend; every time I think of a reason to give up on you, you do something to make me keep you around. That man's my heart.

Alright, I get the GM "yeah, we're out of it, but wait till next year!" speech in the half inning, but we haven't had a single play yet called in the inning, and a run scored. It's like they got uber-distracted and totally forgot that there's a game going on down there.

In re Carmona: "You guys know his stuff, you guys know what's inside him, right?" Uh... should we be hearing this?

Boy, if I had a dollar for every Twin LOB... I'd have like 18 dollars tonight.

Ball out of the glove, Bartlett. Smooth transition. My good feeling is slowly dissipating.

One thing I miss about the Jake, and I don't mean to endorse drug culture, but there used to be a sign behind homeplate that to get tickets you called 420-HITS. Maybe somebody pointed out this maybe unintentional, but obvious reference to smoking the marijuana.

Sigh, Boof, just get an out. Double play would be pretty much pretty awesome.

I will say this though, I like Boof's penchant for ending the inning on a strikeout.


After a couple of quick and dirty outs, Punto hits not quite a proper Baltimore chop, but good hustle down the line.

Mauer, do you want to see Derek's smug face when he gets the batting title? Would you be OK with that? I wouldn't be either. Restore the faith of the proletariat, and hit one out the park.

There you go, Boof, get a few quick and dirty outs of your own.


Meat of the order, make something happen here. Leaving 9 guys on base isn't going to get the job done, guys. Cuddy, you can get your 100th RBI all by yourself, but I won't tell you how. Think real hard about it.

Morneau, you're so painfully hard to watch run around the bases, but thank God you got your diesel engine home. Wow. Keep smiting, Rondell. (Apologies to Jesus)

Did Terry Ryan owe somebody money or something? Can somebody please explain to me the Nevin trade? I'd rather see one of the Jasons out there.

Runners on 1st and 2nd, nobody out? That's um, worrisome. So let's talk about something more pleasant. I submit the following joke:

So Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you something to drink?" Descartes says, "No, I don't think s---" and he disappears.

So Indians announcers, why would you yell, "High fly ball, left field!" like it's a homerun when it's just a routine pop fly to left?

Boof, you have arrived. Watching you get out of that jam was straight Radke-esque. In fact, both of these men live in Florida. Hmmmm...

BOOF: So, it's all about accuracy, huh?
RADKE: Yeah, especially for righties who top out at 92. I mean you can't do much but mix and match and pitch smart.
BOOF: I'm hungry. Wanna get some local cuisine?
RADKE: No, I have to keep my hair perfectly coiffed, and that takes 12 hours a day.


How come every time Punto come around, my London London Bridge wanna go down? (no, I'm not apologizing)

Hey, he came through. Don't judge me. Runners on 2nd and 3rd with one out.

I will question Eric Wedge here. Whoever's pitching can't find the strike zone to save his soul, Mauer's oh-fer, and you're going to intentionally walk the bases drunk? OK pal.

And a run walks in. If any team needs a manager, I'll totally quit grad school.

Must you leave the bases loaded every inning?

JESSE JAMES CRAIN, MUST YOU LET THE GAME GET TIED UP?! I need to buy stock in Pepto Bismol


You guys need to win this game! Not to get panicky but you've got to win THIS GAME!


Cross the plate, PearKing! Oh thank God. RAGNAROK

I'm still hyperventilating. Hard to not with Jesse Crain on the mound, but he survives. Want some more philosophy jokes? There are no more. This reminds me, I had to walk through the Philosophy department today and I saw three people sleeping in the hallway. Is this what philosophy majors do? I have a degree in philosophy, and I don't sleep in public places. Did I miss something?


Cuddy stealing a base? Gardy's got brass balls.

Torii goes boom! That was a laser shot! Took about 2 seconds to get out the park. He understands: RAGNAROK

Not to be outdone, Rondell continues to slay the seven headed dragon with seven diadems with the whore of Babylon on its back.

But again guys, and not to nitpick, but are you trying to set some kind of LOB record?

Once again, Punto makes the case that he needs a Rawlings Gold Glove for his play at the hot corner.

Casey Blake: we get it. We should never have let you go. Your 1.000 OBP against the Twins is supremely indicative of that.


Well Blue wants to go home, calling a ball that was about ankle-high a strike. I know Torii will swing at anything, but don't encourage that behavior, OK Blue?

Hey Torii, way to up that trade value! RAGNAROK

The Lew Ford experiment is up, and that's honestly about the most diplomatic way I can put it. Guy plays with heart though.

Neshek just doesn't have time for you in the bottom of the Ninth, Cleveland. There's a death metal concert later that he totally wants to hit up. So bye.


RAGNAROK began today. What's interesting about this eschatological Norse myth is that while the conclusion is foregone (like in the Christian tradition), there isn't a total triumph of Good. I firmly believe the Twins will eventually come out victorious in the division, even though they've lost Liriano, and even though Joe may be fated to lose the batting title to the Anti-Christ from Kalamazoo. The battles are fought, all sides know the eventual outcome is a seed of hope from which a new world will spring, and in this case, that's a new season of a healthy pitching staff soon to inherit a new park. So go now, and seize your destinies. Liriano is down. Radke is down. But it doesn't matter. You'll win anyway. It's how RAGNAROK ends.

Another great post. I really enjoy your guys' work -- unique, funny and intelligent commentary.
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