Sunday, September 24, 2006

 

Forget Homefield

_______________
PREGAME:

Unfortunately, William's busy, so you're stuck with just me today.

Scott Baker, in pace resquiat

Bear with me, that was my first foray into html coding. Hopefully that's italicized.

It's not that I don't like football, I just don't like it as much as baseball, and in this regard, it's never made a lick of sense to me that a meaningless regular season football game is taking up precious postseason push baseball. Is the NFL unaware that this is Octoberquest? [property mlb.com. All rights reserved]

The upswing is that I don't have to run from my office to my living room to liveblog the games, since I don't have one of those fancy "AirPorts" and refuse to move my TV into my office, for two reasons. First, I'm that lazy. Second, pulling in a tv so you can rock out on the internet seems to approach a level of dorkiness that I'm not comfortable with. Yet.

Bold prediction: Today, both Torii Hunter and Justin Credible will go yard. Stone.

And finally, I agree with Batgirl, that we mustn't get caught up in this whole "Do you want to play the properly punctuated A's or the Jankees?" And conventional wisdom is that the Twins will never ever ever beat the Yankees. But screw that, we say. Do you think Johan cares where he pitches? We could put him on the moon, and he would throw 8 innings of 2-hit baseball (he was tired his last two starts and you know it - do you have any doubts about his reliability in the playoffs?) Effectively, we do get homefield, even if we're the Wild Card, and that's why: Johan pitching on the road is just as good as a home game. We should want to win the division for its own sake - not to avoid the Yankees. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

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1ST INNING:

After some good small ball by Castillo and Punto, we get some MAUER PAUER.

And then Torii almost adds to the fun with his career year, but not yet. Can't do it all at once guys. I understand.

Here's my suggestion: To save money, let Bartlett play both SS and LF; he goes deep in the hole anyway, may as well. I'm all outside the box in my economical thinking.

The following exchange may have happened yesterday:

GARZA: Scott, I think I'm just gonna throw some strikes, let my defense pick me up, maybe have a couple of 1-2-3 sub-10 pitch innings.
BAKER: Matty, what is this? AA? Listen, I'm 2 weeks older than you, so I know. And I've also had 5 more starts than you, so listen up - there is no such thing as a "1-2-3 inning" in professional baseball. Rookie.
GARZA: [under his breath] Or maybe you're just not that good.
BAKER: What did you say? You know how easily I lose my composure!
GARZA: [A steely stare, makes BAKER feel very uncomfortable]

_______________
2ND INNING:

Sometimes the Rondell baseball god genuflection doesn't work.

Another Nevin sighting? So soon after he bruised his wrist, or as he says "caught a stinger"? I'm just worried about you, Phil. It has nothing to do with your being not very good. Nothing at all.

Fun fact: 7 of the 12 people in Camden Yards are wearing Twins swag.

A couple singles, a couple stranded. That's alright. Even when the pirantas aren't firing on all cylinders, if they can turn it over the meat of the order, I feel OK with that.

Batgirl, I know, being a blogger makes me inherently dorky. But I'm also in graduate school and do crosswords and anagram for fun. I must resist the temptation to delve even deeper.

WV: We're not so much into turning double plays ourselves.

RK: Nobody in all of Christendom could have turned that DP. But hey, I like the way Castillo is playing here. Fielder's choice, but I like it.

WV: And Garza shuts the door by striking Patterson out.

RK: So far, I like what I'm seeing.

_______________
3RD INNING:

RK: It's so nice to not have to worry about Rocket Bats pitching.

WV: Is he done? Are we looking at a Radke or Perkins start?

RK: That's what I'm thinking. And that's what matters. Wow, they gave Mauer a hit? Hey, if it helps, it helps. He's back in the lead as the Antichrist from Kalamazoo fades.

WV: This isn't going to turn into an REM song is it?

RK: Are you being rhetorical? Is that me in the spotlight?

WV: More MAUER PAUER... to second.

RK: Apparently, the Pauer also hypnotizes second basemen to take their ginger time on the throw over.

WV: Balls off his bats are veritable lotus eaters.

RK: How prepare ye.

WV: Verboten!

RK: Macher!

WV: Slip 'n slide!

RK: You win. Meanwhile, Justin shows a good eye.

WV: And flares it to left center.

RK: The Twins fans are cheering louder than the O's fans. I love that.

WV: Torrid Hunter with 93 RsBI, fast approahing his own 30/100 guy.

RK: An embarrassment of SCORCHING OFFENSE!

WV: Let's see if White can exorcise Mendoza from his swing.

RK: Now the genuflection makes sense.

WV: E4. The problem now is of course that the bases are loaded for Phil Nevin.

RK: Wow, I had delusions of a granny, but I'll take the sac fly.

WV: Well let's see what Garza can do. His ERA is above 5 so you never know.

RK: But he's been getting better with each start.

WV: Right. Only 4.82 the last 30 days...hey it's something right. Small sample size, cut me some slack.

RK: He's got intangibles... wait, does that make him the MVP?

WV: He is handsome and has intangibles.... that about does it.

RK: And the no-hitter is broken up.

WV: Nice stirkeout.

RK: And good second out out in Cuddyland.

WV: Cuddyland - where lazy pop flys go to be stars.

RK: There's no football in the state of VA today, so his head's in it.

_______________
4TH INNING:

RK: Detroit draws first blood.

WV: You know, I don't even feel the need to report the White Flags score... It's 0-0 by the way.

RK: Detroit has the bases drunk with one out.

WV: But Sean Casey's up, so no worries. That may or may not be cancelled out by Ruffles Hernandez throwing. And by throwing I mean throwing his weight around.

RK: Oh you are just diabolical!

WV: By the by, the Twins go down 1-2-3. So who's going to put up more points today, the Tigers or the Lions?

RK: Oh, easily Tigers.

WV: Wow, how the hell did Rondell get that?

RK: I have no idea. Hey guys? Hey announcers? Hi, it's Robert. There's a baseball game going on in the present. I know the 1966 World Series was a special time for you all, but uh, can we wax nostalgic after the game?

WV: And a jack by Tejada.

RK: Tigers are up 5-0.

WV: I don't feel bad about Miggy doing it. At least it wasn't Chris Gomez.

RK: Right, I mean, after all it is Miguel Tejada.

WV: And Detroit up 8-0.

RK: And Millar is walked, eh? Hm. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

WV: Now with the invincible Patterson up.

RK: And doubling. GET AN OUT, MATTY! DON'T GET ALL SCOTT BAKER ON ME!

WV: I've got faith in Fiorentino not coming through here.

RK: The anti-faith. DET up 9-0

WV: Oh for the love of all that is good and decent.

RK: I'm this close to rooting for the Tigers to break some kind of record here.

WV: I'm sure they're a ways away from that. I'm pretty sure the Royals have done this before.

RK: Your anti-faith in Fiorentino proves to be justified.

WV: Something about his .231 avg and name makes me think he's a mama's boy. I'm all about ad hominem attacks here.

_______________
5TH INNING:

WV: If it weren't for our specious reasoning, we'd be perfect replacements for Harold "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" Reynolds on BBTN.

RK: I would give Kruk blunt force trauma to the back of his head with my chair.

WV: Maybe Morneau really is trying to become a piranta. with all these singles replacing dingers.

RK: I'm going to give him a break here. He's hitting what they're giving to him.

WV: And Torii Ks

RK: The middle of the inning, with storm clouds threatening.

WV: Metaphorically?

RK: No. Physically.

WV: Interesting.

RK: Some guy named Chavez singled.

WV: Who?

RK: Uh huh. Oh man, Garza needed that strikeout.

WV: Gomez must have heard my criticism of his strength. Too bad he's a weakling. Anonymous: we're unfortunately unable to watch anybody get circled. It's life in mlb.tv purgatory.

RK: And qob: Oui oui, I like how the kid got out of it.

WV: 5th inning in the books.

RK: Oh dear God, there's rain. Now I'm going to have a seizure.

_______________
6TH INNING:

RK: Safe to say Phil Nevin looked pretty stupid striking out there.

WV: To save time, he should have just gone to the plate, swung three times without having any pitches thrown, and then go sit down.

RK: And back to back.

WV: We're all just trying to get home here.

RK: A quick three up three down. Let's hope for the same from Matty.

WV: Seattle and KC making comeback efforts here.

RK: 2-1 and 9-2 respectively.

WV: And Miguel goes yard yet again.

RK: This guy's killing us.

WV: Let's hope Tejada only comes up one more time today.

RK: That would help. But I like how Garza follows it up with a K.

WV: He's definitely toughened up.

RK: Unlike Scott "China Doll" Baker.

WV: Oh shit. Patterson goes deep.

RK: The wind carried that out.

WV: I have the anti-faith that Fiorentino can take us to a rain delay.

RK: Rain delay or not, I think Garza's done after this.

WV: More or less a good outing if not for Tejada and Babe Patterson.

RK: Your anti-faith was misplaced, although the pitch looked awfully strike-y to me.

WV: Well Gardy's seen enough. And like most matters of faith, it's always inconsistent.

RK: nate p: Good point about Cano. The number of the beast is 2, and in a flattering mockery, Cano is 22.

WV: And Joowan's in. I don't know what to make of this.

RK: Oh God.

WV: Bullshit!

RK: That was a stirke if I ever saw one. I struck out a lot when I played and saw plenty more as an ump. That was a strike.

WV: But the out is recorded. Let's see if there's a delay.

_______________
RAIN DELAY EXTRA SPECIAL FREE BLOGGING DIRECT TO YOU, THE CONSUMER:

RK: The game is delayed until at least 4:00

WV: According to accuweather:

"Doppler radar indicated an area of showers and thunderstorms extending from Harford County south into Baltimore and into northern Anne Arundel County. These storms will continue to push east across the northern Chesapeake Bay through 5 PM."

RK: Dude, have you ever driven across the Chesapeake? It's practically vertigo-inducing. Also, CWS up 5-0.

WV: Never.

RK: I'm telling you, at some point you'll think, "Did I take a wrong turn? Am I driving over the Atlantic Ocean?"

WV: Crabs are crawling all over your windshield, and out of your boxers.

RK: Well that can happen anywhere if you don't shower enough and hang around unsavory people.

WV: I've seen the Atlantic; it's a piece of shit. I was shocked when I learned that people actually go to beaches on it.

RK: It was hard for me to believe the Jersey shore was the place to be.

_______________
7TH INNING:

WV: More Mauer Pauer and we've got runners on the corners.

RK: Oops. Well, we're here now.

WV: And the Twins strand two. Damn.

RK: I don't like having to hold on to a 1-run lead like this.

WV: So neither Morneau nor Hunter could come through.

RK: Right.

WV: The Pear King has a wide range.

RK: Good glove out there.

WV: Even with that basehit, he's still a good shortstop.

RK: I'm tres nervous.

WV: Base hit.

RK: With Tejada coming up.

WV: Dennys "Ultra Violet" Reyes gives up a scorcher through the middle and he's out.

RK: Tejada, with two homers, is due to wrap into a twin-killing.

WV: I think we're going to see some Neshek action. He got Tejada out yesterday in a tight spot, so we'll see.

RK: I believe in Neshek.

WV: He fits into Ragnarok's scheme, whether you look at it as Norse mythology or a Scandinavian death metal band.

RK: Strike one.

WV: Strike two.

RK: Dear announcers, to say "The twins are looking for a double play ball, the O's are looking for a basehit" is about as obvious a statement as you can make. Check you facts sheet. Talk about the '66 World Series. Something. You may as well put John Madden in there.

WV: Full count.

RK: BEST DOUBLE PLAY I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY SHORT SHORT, UNLIVED, DEPRESSING, WASTED 24 YEARS.

WV: The strikeout and the throw from Mauer was a real beauty.

RK: Now go score. For my sake. And if not my sake, then Timmy's.

_______________
8TH INNING:

RK: Way to take one for the team, Rondell.

WV: Like the tides and the shifting sands, The Lew Ford Experiment is put in as a pinch runner for White.

RK: And Phil Nevin! You play baseball after all!

WV: I'll be more appreciative when he does that off of someone not named Russ Ortiz.

RK: I think that was supposed to be a hit and run.

WV: Let's hope so. It's bad when the throw is on a hop and you still don't have to slide.

RK: As Bruce Chen comes in, Mauer will hit a triple. Stone.

WV: Or fly out.

RK: 10-6 CWS.

WV: Not promising. Nor is the leadoff single for the O's.

RK: And Perkins out - Crainadian in.

WV: So we've gone from Dennys to Perkins. Is IHOP in the pen?

RK: One down.

WV: Putting in Perkins is like letting your 5 year old nephew play with your lighter. all the sudden he's trying to light the couch on fire and that's it

RK: Gotta be on the lookout for that kind of behavior. Maybe Perkins just needs a couple of good swats on the behind.

WV: Flyout to Cuddyville.

RK: It's a magical place in Camden Yards.

WV: End of the inning.

RK: White Flags are up 12-6.

WV: Beautiful.

RK: Bill, I'm not hung up on the fecklessness. Others have stepped up, so it's OK. Torii's been on a tear, and Morneau's numbers still look stellar. It will be all right.

_______________
9TH INNING:

WV: E6

RK: But hey, at least you have those home runs, right? Not a great AB for Morneau.

WV: No. I think he's nearing 90 ABs since his last home run. You know, everyone's all like, "But when he tries to hit home runs that's when he struggles." But that line of reasoning only goes so far. You still have to hit them. Some time. This century.

RK: Yeah, you could make the case that he's struggling now, but I'm not convinced. Look where his average is.

WV: And two quick strikeouts.

RK: That's what I like to see, boys! Let's get home as soon as humanly possible!

WV: Uh, Joe, gotta throw three strikes.

RK: No freebies here pal.

WV: Now THAT's strike 3.

RK: 2 down.

WV: And the K wraps it up.

_______________
POSTGAME:

RK: The White Flags won, so the magic number only goes down to two. Is it reasonable to expect, after seeing the Royals' performance against Detroit, that Minnesota can take half of those games?

WV: And there's good things to look at. After an awful April, the road record finishes up at 42-39, same as it was in '03.

RK: That's the old saying. Win half your road games and 2/3 of your home games, and you'll be in the playoffs.

WV: It appears KC has basically forgotten how to play baseball, so we can wrap this up quick and dirty hopefully in the next couple of days.

RK: Who do the Twins have going tomorrow?

WV: Bonser and Herzegovina.

RK: I like our chances. Especially against De La Rosa.

Comments:
Dear Mr. Blyeven,

Amen.

As for the computer/ TV thing and inner dorkiness, you're a blogger now. There's no longer any hope for you. Better to become comfortable with it now.

Sincerely,
Batgirl
 
p.s. Woot.
 
My sister was at the game and got circled yesterday. She is there again and would like to go two for two - not sure if that's ever happened before.

She said there were lots of Twins fans.

I like Garza much more than Baker as a third or fourth starter.
 
4th inning, that could have been a lot worse
 
It's not enough we have to worry about the Antichrist from Kalamazoo, now we have his apprentice demon-imp Robinson Cano to deal with, too. Blugh.
 
hang on guys, almost there. But I'm still tilted over Hunter and Morneau's fecklessness
 
I kind of like Robinson Cano-for a Yankee, he's not yet a complete ass, and if Joe pisses his lead down his leg than I'd rather see Cano win the title over Jeter.

I have a theory about Morneau. He's at 33 dingers, yes? He's wears uniform number 33. He's done with the homers for this year because he wants to say, "I'm number 33 and I hit 33 home runs one year." Just for fun. Or something.
 
Dear Misters Blyelvens,

But check out De La Rosa's ERA. Surely it must mean something. Is it dangerous to mix eschatologies?

Concerned,
Batgirl
 
Fiorentino means little boy flower in Italian. The Twins once had a releiver named Fiore. I guess I'd rather be known as 'flower' than as 'little boy flower,' but neither is a proper name for a big league ballplayer.

And as for the scary ERA of Mr. De La Rosa (another flower!), I think the Twins can push it up somewhere near the number of keys on a piano, thereby lending a whole 'nother meaning to the phrase "keys to the game."

Musically,

Jim H.
 
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