Sunday, September 17, 2006

 

Ladies And Gentlemen, Your Little League World Series MVP, Scott Baker

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PREGAME:

RK: So let's see if our grand plan worked, to have Cleveland wear New York Yankee jerseys so Scott Baker will pitch lights out.

WV: Or see if they can swing the bat when there's runners on second or third base.

(It's an early game start - give us a break)

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1ST INNING:

RK: I got up this early for a strike 'em out throw 'em out? Great. Do they not realize Scott Baker is pitching today?

And Joe, not to be critical, because we're boys and I love you, but Byrd's having a hard time throwing strikes. Why are you offering at the first pitch, especially only to fly out to left? The antiChrist from Kalmazoo, who will have his streak broken tonight, coughed up the lead. Now capitalize.

I see they're not wearing New York uniforms. Baker has thrown over 100 pitches and not recorded a single out.

And of course Cleveland scores in the first. It's how they do.

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2ND INNING:

We've kind of been spoiled lately with the Twins good defense, and it's obvious how important it is. The Team In Cleveland With A Racially Insensitive Team Name Who Plays Near Or Around Lake Erie has been making far too many errors.

Which results in runners on the corners: QED

Holy shit, the Twins have a hit w/RISP? Seriously? Is there a review system we can appeal to here? Has Wedge thrown the red flag? Oh, he threw it Nick Saban-style and it hit the wall in the dugout and nobody saw it and boo hoo hoo.

Jasonthing 2, nice effort, just hit at the wrong spot. Casey Blake will always be in the right spot v. the Twins, so just hit it somewhere else, OK?

Wow! People are fawning over the Antichrist from Kalamazoo and his ability to throw across his body from the hole, but Bartlett did it just as good as anybody right there.

And then a strikeout from Baker... and Baltimore's up a run. Hmm, seems almost too good to be true. And another strikeout. Truly even bit players contribute to RAGNAROK.

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3RD INNING:

Oh crap, I get caught up in watching Kevin Millar's AB that resulted in a 2R HR, and I miss all this? Well, Good News Bears then.

Phil Nevin with the seeing eye do- I mean single. Oh Phil, you're not that old.

Keep this hit parade going. Bott Scaker needs all the help he can get.

People, I have a fresh and new insight to share with you. The secret to Scott Baker's success is how the opposing team wears their socks. Witness!

S C O T T B A K E R
B A T T E R S O C K

I haven't quite figured out exactly what it means, just pay close attention.

But in somewhat more disconcerting fashion:

R O C K E T B A T S

Alright, I'll quit getting all John Nash on you. I just refuse to deal with Baker's leadoff walks.

I have fantasies of hanging out for one day with Punto, and he snags ground balls and gets double plays and we become best friends and stay in touch by being pen-pals throughout the season. Hot damn, he's good.

Yes Baker, I'm impressed, but I'm not drinking your kool-aid.

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4TH INNING:

Mauer, a hit. We need a hit. Please for the love of Christ. Hit. Not stomach-punch-esque double play.

Here's my suggestion: don't walk Donnie Garko to start the inning.

See, everything better when you listen to Uncle Robert. A single to left! Just wait till your father comes home!

And Baltimore coughs up 5-1 lead in a matter of a half-inning? I swear to God, you guys better be just as sucky when the Twins come into town.

One double play for another. Karma's a bitch, Cleveland. Just ask that racially insensitive mascot of yours.

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5TH INNING:

Hm, it appears that bad things happen for the Tigers when I watch the game. But then I miss offensive futility here. Stupid ethernet cable not allowing me to watch both games at once! So torn!

The Pear King just makes fielding the 6 position look easy.

I just can't believe my eyes with what I'm seeing from Baker. Again, not drinking the Kool-Aid here. This ain't Jonestown.

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6TH INNING:

I just want to make a quick side note that I'm on the record saying the Atlanta Falcons will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. Why? Is it some Michael Vick/VT connection? No. I don't really care about the football team where I go to grad school. Shocking, I'm sure. It's because they beat up on Carolina, whom everybody said would go to the Super Bowl. So I'm just being contrary. But mark my words: Hotlanta Falcons.

Oh yes, there's also a baseball game going on. But no runs scored, and the Twins have left 6 on base through six, and while that seems bad, it's nothing like it has been.

Another double play? I don't know how to conduct myself right now. I mean, I don't want to jinx Baker, and I can't watch either. Are we noticing anything yet about the socks the Cleveland players are wearing?

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7TH INNING:

Oh thank you Joe, for going 2 for 4 so far. That gets the old average back up.

Wow, Cuddy, that was ugly. I hope your nightmare tonight is watching the replay of those three pitches over and over.

And also, let us pray that Morneau's bat makes a big return after the Cleveland series (Robert's been to a lot of Catholic masses).

Honestly, I need to stop going to "clean" or "do the dishes" or "shower real quick between innings" because all of a sudden the inning is over, and you, loyal reader, are cheated. My deepest and most sincere apologies. And really, having to shower every 15 minutes is probably a sign of some sort of pathological behavior.

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8TH INNING:

Detroit is up 7-6. But who knows.

A couple walks, nobody out... dare I get my hopes up? No, I do not dare. But soft!

Punto getting the job done. A sac fly is muy piranta. Yeah, I'm sticking with piranta because that's Bert's nomenclature for them. Screw you, Ozzie. Screw you and your stupidly sculpted goatee. Yeah, you look dumb.

Ugh, 2 for 5 is an improvement, Joe, but 3 for 5 is better. Eek.

Ha, I missed it again. Who's pitching? I don't know. Jesus, I should be fired from this thing. But you don't care, because it's always easy to smile when you're winning.

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9TH INNING:

That's it. Until Morneaus' next hit, I'm calling him Justine.

Yeah yeah, fine. Go ahead and double Torii up. Let's just get this thing over with.

Yeah, I ended that sentence with a preposition. Write a letter to the editor.

OK, I admit, this time I skipped the Twins pitching on purpose. But come on! It's the Twins bullpen. Of course they held a lead.

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POSTGAME:

Well, this was kind of uneventful, but only because of the diminished expectations I had. Baker pitched like it was against the Yankees, and like I said, even though I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid, any win by he, Guerrier, or Garza is essentially a bonus win (note to Boof: I expect you to win now).

But now tough decisions have to be made. For whom do you root in the DET/CWS series? Detroit, so the Twins can essentially put away the wild card, or for the whining whiners on the South Side so the Twins can rampage through the division and face Oakland in the first round.

That's what it comes down to kiddies. Do you take a more cemented playoff berth as the widl card but have to face the Yankees, or do you roll the dice, but if you come out ahead you get the much more manageable A's (and a quick note to people who think "A's" is mis-punctuated. It's a contraction. Contractions get apostrophes. It's not possessive, so its abbreviation gets a comma... y'dig? See? Just like that!)

I'm rooting for a split in the series, either way. This fence I'm sitting is sure mighty comfortable.

--RK

Comments:
This totally rocks!
 
What a baseball weekend! I miss the last three games because I'm in Chicago, watching Jacque Jones homer at Wrigley, and we rally after losing a Johan start. Fantastic job, boys!
 
Dear Misters Blyleven,

Ah, a discussion of the finer points of punctuation. Batgirl is ecstatic.

Periodically,
Batgirl
 
It's standard to use an apostrophe for single letters and numbers, so should it be A''s?
 
I'm with you on the fence. The way I see it, one of the teams has to lose every day, so as long as we sweep Boston (or at least take two out of three), there's really always an upside.
 
Detroit wins 2 of 3
Minny 2 of 3
we will be a game out and 5 ahead of bitch sox


BS wins 2 of 3
Minny 2 of 3
we will lead division by a game and 4 ahead of Bitchies.

Tuff call. In the first case we will have a 5 game lead in WC with 7 to play, knowing the bitchies, they will slice their wrists and lay down and die then. I the second scenerio, the BS will think they have a chance when the come to Minny, but will have to worry about the ligers. I think we would do better in the playoffs if we win the division, but YMMV>
 
I want the division. Period.
 
Some "algebra":
1. Winning the division = Playing the A's
2. Winning the wild card = Playing the Yankees
3. 1 > 2

Go Bitch Sox.
 
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