Friday, September 29, 2006


A Lounge JA Would Envy


Hey everyone, it's Robert. William will probably show up later, but I think for now he's contributing to domestic tranquility. Hey, let's talk about last night, OK? I know William and I got a little worked up, maybe said some harsh things, like made fun of Cuddyer's inability to hit an off-speed pitch, or, oh hell, just offensive futility in general. We definitely had anger salad (which will be included in our upcoming glossary o' terms - but a sneak peak is that phrase has origins in a Japanese fighting fish that one of Robert's friends kept as a pet in college), but it was the principle of the matter. We still firmly maintain that it doesn't matter who the Twins play in the first round of the postseason - be it the Jankees or the Properly Punctuated A's. It's just that when Bradke comes back and guts out a start, and it's against the Royals and some guy named Luke Hudson with a 5+ ERA, we expect them to put that game away. It's good to win the division for its own sake, and it's good to score more runs than there are slices of meat in a Jimmy John's Gargantuan (You know that's what Justin Credible gets AND HE EATS IT IN 4 CANADIAN BITES. Mauer might opt for the more humble Billy Club - less dazzle, but consistently good).

So sit back, relax, get a cocktail or 6 if you're of age, and let's hope for a win, but let's not get in a snit. Nobody likes to go to the angry place. Or Cincinnati. Ever been to Cincy? I swear.


Well let's go around the league, hm? 3-0 Detroit over Kansas City. And there's some other games too, I guess, but does anybody really care about the NAAAtional League? Statistically, it's definitely not likely that the Tigers will lose to the Royale with Cheeses at all, and even less likely that the Twins will sweep the Sox, but since it doesn't matter, we shall see and just root root root even for Rocket Bats and Carlos "We Were Once Sinkerballers" Silva.

But tonight? Tonight I have faith in Bonser and Herzegovina.

Though I wouldn't recommend starting the game with a base hit up the middle.

Boof, every time you pick off a runner an angel gets its wings. And lucky you did because all of a sudden Jermaine Dye went yard. Too bad you won't be an MVP this year, Jermaine. Too bad for two reasons:

1. Your team isn't in the playoffs
2. You're Jermaine Dye. This year is an aberration. Twins fans are quite familiar with the term, but unlike your production dropoff after this year, the Twins are, as they say in my native language, gut.

German isn't actually my native language. Yes, I know my last name translates to cherry.

WV: And Detroit is pounding KC. In other shocking news, the sun set tonight in the West.

RK: And we get to see shiftless washout, Freddy Garcia. I know he's actually been pretty good, but y'know.

WV: Right, but he has his newly developed splitty which will baffle us, I"m sure.

RK: Or at least Dimples.

WV: So far, AFK is 1-2 and his minion is 1-1

RK: Mauer's AB music is TI's "What You Know About That" which is like us listening to The Chronic in 7th grade.

WV: Which we did.

RK: Shut up.


RK: matt, interesting question. I mean, for the most part, William and I are [left-wing] reactionaries, but let's try predcting. I mean, Chris Berman gets paid to do it and he's terrible at it.

WV: I'm going to go 5-3 Flags

RK: Well I'm chiling out and will go 7-3 Twins

RK: Ha, Bert said pirantas again. I think he thinks it's the correct way to say it.

WV: And AJ is swinging at everything.

RK: Yeah, including a pitch that bounced in front of the plate.

WV: First bright spot - AJ just acted a fool.

RK: Merriweather is squeezing our boy just a teensy bit. But maybe you want to squeeze Boof too.

WV: Yeah, pretty soon his name will Bnsr

RK: With a lack of vowels, that's very Balkan indeed.

WV: And KC Starts the rally! 5-2.

RK: In Kansas City terms, that's the entirety of the rally.

WV: Cuddy, so close!

RK: Sinn Fein pesters the British-owned White Sox and squirts one into right.

WV: But White puts a stop to that right quick.


RK: Did you see Johnson will probably miss the postseason for the Jankees?

WV: Yeah, and Jaret Wright isn't exactly an asset here.

RK: Unlike ARod, Lrod plays a solid defense.

WV: And Boof, that is how you get a double play.

RK: My favorite double plays are the ones that only have 2 number. 6-3, baby.

WV: Dammit, and Dye keeps hurting us with the shoestring catches, too.

RK: That's OK, Jasonthing 2 will pick up Jasonthing 1.

WV: Or... Punto.

RK: Oh dear, I don't want a last night redux. I promised myself no anger salad tonight.


WV: Word of the week: offensivefutility. It's a neologism. Not in the dictionary yet.

RK: And being proponents of Newspeak, the fascist components of that term are very exciting.

WV: I will say this: When balls are caught in Cuddyland, they come back to the infield like a laser.

RK: Jim Thome always makes me nervous. Remember when he was with Cleveland and he used to hit 5000 foot homeruns that ended up in Rosemount?

WV: You almost feel fortunate he only got a single there.

RK: I don't understand why fans are booing Pierzynski here.

WV: Yeah, don't you think they should save their energy for a consequential player?

RK: That's what I'm thinking. And like there was any doubt Hunter would catch that ball.

WV: It'd be nice to see som Mauer Pauer here.

RK: I'd like some hot hot hit and run action.

WV: NOT a GIDP. Dammit.

RK: Next time, Joe.

WV: Christ, that was quick.


WV: You know, they only bat competently with 2 outs left in the 9th.

RK: New offensive scheme they're trying out.

WV: The Boofarino, by all measures, has been decent tonight.

RK: Absolutely. It's the offensivefutility been the problem.

WV: Of course, the second we say that, Absolut Cintron has to go yard.

RK: Any flavored hard liquor is abominably uncouth.

WV: Not to put too fine a point on it.

RK: Straight whiskey is good enough for the likes of us.

WV: Not sure I approve of 7 hits in 4 and 2/3 innings pitched.

RK: Yeah, but that's OK. The guy's battling.

WV: The Twins acquire outs like other teams look at strikes.

RK: The balls are well-hit, but right to people.

WV: It should be a new saying, "And the Twins take out 3 looking"


RK: KC's only down 2 now.

WV: Ok, that can work. Hopefully KC can keep it up.

RK: Oh, Joe got his bell rung.

WV: Glen Perkins, huh? We want to win the division, right?

RK: Well of course, but they want to save Johan and get this guy some pitching in. I'm OK with it.

WV: Perkins is an outside threat to make the starting rotation next season too. Good experience for him.

RK: I hope he does. Better option than Rocket Bats.

WV: And anybody who can strike out Jim Thome is OK in my book. I dare you to anagram Glen Perkins. I say, it can't be done.

RK: Oh it's on, slim. Leek Spring.

WV: Nice. On an unrelated note, the Twins continue their offensivefutility.

RK: If the season were a week longer Barlett would lose his .300 season.

WV: Well, at least the Royals have closed the lead to 5-4.


RK: And AJ strikes out yet again.

WV: On three horrible pitches.

RK: Of course.

WV: I wonder when the last time was a contender utilized so many players who began in the low minors.

RK: Is this an Aflac question?

WV: Just curious.

RK: It's not what you expect from the top hitting team in the league.

WV: 2B by LRod on the E8.

RK: Breaker breaker 4-9. 10-4 good buddy.

WV: Well, good thing they'll strand him.

RK: I stand corrected. Or sit.

WV: Dimples: Not a piranta. Are there any textbooks on baserunning I can send to the Twins?

RK: We could write one, but it'd be hypocritical.

WV: And ignorant.

RK: This Perkins kid can pitch.

WV: He sure can. He's pitching like he wants a spot in the rotation

RK: He's no Rocket Bats.


WV: So..blogging the last few games has been like waiting in line at the DMV.

RK: But we're troopers.

WV: KC's got runners on the corners with 2 outs in the 9th. It all hinges on Angel Berroa. Uh oh. Leave it to the Royals to have only 4 runs on 13 hits. That's a line only a Twins fan could love.

RK: Keep rolling, V. I like it.

WV: And I like Rondell.

RK: Good style, good guy. And the LFE comes in to pinch run, yet again.

WV: When's the last time Rondell got to use his hoverboard on the bases? I mean, if he never got hits the LFE would never get in games.

RK: And KC ties it up!

WV: A Phil Nevin sighting.

RK: Damn, you said that too loud!

WV: Bases juiced for KC

RK: Jeter 2 for 4, .341. Cano 1-3, .342.

WV: Mauer's gotta pick it up. And so does the Pear King.

RK: Is that MacDougal? He'll give up the hit.

WV: And KC fails to take the lead.

RK: We can sympathize.

WV: And the Twins also fail to capitalize.

RK: I'll never object to McDougal being put in a game against us.

WV: Except for this time.


WV: In a losing and generally melancholia-inducing effort, Perkins has been a ray of optimism.

RK: You're poetry in motion sometimes.

WV: Let's see who the Twins put in to get the third out.

RK: And it's ultraviolet

WV: Automatic. Especially with Anthony John at the plate.

RK: Or cough up an RBI single.

WV: Shit.

RK: Let's just hope that KC can complete this miracle and win.

WV: But enough of scoreboard watching. This is about dignity and playing the game competently.

RK: I mean, I never thought we'd sweep, but with Silva and Baker slated to start... uh, y'know

WV: Right.

RK: How does AJ get a stolen base?

WV: Something is amiss in the universe.

RK: When you're giving up steals to AJ, there's zero dignity involved.

WV: But at least the inning is over.

RK: 3 runs against Jenks? Y'know, I've always thought he was something of a fraud.

WV: Hold up a picture of Jens and Uri Geller, and I can't tell the difference.

RK: Punto does his job.

WV: And then some, with the SB. Take that, AJ.

RK: Whoa, weird call at the plate. He so went there, but alright.

WV: And KC takes the lead

RK: Do you feel the magic?

WV: KC now up two.

RK: Back to back jacks.

WV: Do soemthing here LRod.

RK: I like the battling here. And I remain optimistic.

WV: Works the walk.

RK: Now Mauer is up.

WV: If there was ever a time for Mauer Pauer...

RK: Bert just said "Alexi Castillas"

WV: Wow.

RK: And that's a shame...

WV: Cuddyer?


WV: We mean that in a good way.

RK: Absolutely!

WV: Batting race will come down to the wire though.

RK: KC now up 9-5

WV: Take him deep Justin, end this mofo.

RK: Or we'll wait and see how Hunter does it

WV: So it's down to our MVP of September.

RK: Well, it comes down to the Lew Ford Experiment.

WV: This iteration may overload his flux capacitor

RK: The LFE walks.

WV: Luckily, we don't need a HR from Phil Nevin

RK: Hopefully, he can just do something.

WV: Or not.

RK: Dammit.


RK: Well, Phil Nevin continues to perplex me. Not so much him but Terry Ryan's decision to take him on.

WV: Even so, it should never have come down to that. We can't have an oh-fer from our M&M boys.

RK: That was so close. We can't say the Tigers haven't given us ample opportunities to win the division.

WV: KC pulls off a miracle, but this was still a little crushing.

RK: It seems unlikely that the Tigers will lose the KC series and the Twins will win both against the White Sox.

WV: It's OK, it's purely academic now anyway.

RK: Still, I wonder if Phil Nevin confronts the question, "Why am I here?"

WV: And not in an existential sense.

RK: No, in a purely, "Why am I here in the Twins dugout" sense.

So boys whats the score of tonights game gonna be?
Well all go with a 4-3 twins win, Torri Hunter with the game winning home run. Thats my dick and bert call of the game. I wanna hear plenty of A.J jokes this series too.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox fan."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why I'm proud to be a Minnesota Twins fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Twins fan.

"Well, My Dad and Mom are Twins fans, and I'm a Twins fan too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan."

I always did love that one!
Pretty sure that Bert's comment about missing games just made me giggle really hard....
I say the hell with Baker and get Perkins on the playoff roster as soon as possible.
Detroit needs to learn not to fuck with Dejesus
can we get some love for my man L-Rod Hubbard?
Wow-amazing anagram of Glen Perkins.
Well...since we don't seem to be getting many hits and runs on our own, let's make sure we are careful enough to not say any more jinxing words. (Especially ones that lead to opponent hit and runs.)
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