Wednesday, September 20, 2006

 

A-Rod Also Confirmed Reports That He "Has His Panties In A Bunch"

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PREGAME:

More boring news churned out by the Bos-Wash sports media superstructure. Alex Rodriguez not good in the clutch? Not having a spectacular year? Doesn't deserve all that money? OMG!!!!!!!!!

Whatevs.

iowanianerin:

At some point, though, Mauer's demeanor makes me wonder what's seething within. Do you think he goes home and just smashes the shit out things when he realizes that he may lose his rightful title to the Antichrist from Kalamazoo? How do you suppose Morneau and Rabe feel about this?

Also, how cool would it be to have a sleepover at that house? Girls, be polite!

jmk:

As far as I'm concerned, when Reyes sits down gringo after gringo, every day can be Mexican Independence Day. We regret the error.

paco3791:

I mean, we're in the AL, so ten men... right? Tyner kinda looks like an elf to me though.

Boof, I expect you to win!

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1ST INNING:

Who recalls the last time Shannon Stewart ever worked a full count in the leadoff spot? He probably did a bunch of times, but I'm just saying.

Again, we have another pitcher coming off the DL, so we'll see how long Schilling can last. I mean, the Twins make guys throw a lot of pitches, so we'll see if he makes it through the fifth.

Here's a stat I want to see: Mauer's batting average when he's batting with 2 outs and nobody on in the first. Let it happen!

Here's a stat that I know with certainty: since asking for that stat, Mauer is 1.000 when batting in the first inning with 2 outs and nobody on. He has a double.

Well, Cuddy, I like it a lot.

Alright, one run, not bad. Now let's just wait for the NESN announcers to make creepy comments about the good little boys and the good little girls of New England. Ew.

One pitch, one out. Boof is on pace to throw a 27-pitch complete game.

Loretta, you ruined it!

Ortiz has a single, OK. Boof, just get the next guy.

On one more pitch! I like where this is going, young man.

_______________
2ND INNING;

I love Pedroia. Just his name, really. It sounds so Soviet, like he's playing for vodka and a winter coat.

White + infield hit = WTF mate?

And the DH, instituted to make more offensive output, the player that strikes fear into the hearts of pitchers... the homerless Jason Tyner. It's OK Jasonthing 1. I still like your style and groove to your flow.

That was, uh, weird. To see a ground ball wide of third and then see...Ron Coomer. I have nothing against Ron Coomer, and I'm sure he's doing his best Clay Matvick impersonation, but I did not expect that. I need to get some air or something.

Bonser was so understandingly excited about his 3-pitch K of Nixon that he danced his way to first base to do-se-do with Justin Mornau. Morneau declined the invitation.

I would put money that Varitek has never hit a triple outside of Fenway Park.

Settle down, Boof. Remember the strikeout? Do that again. Awesome. This is why I love you "John."

Ugh, I always thought Glasnost was a bad idea, Pedroia. Just so you know, comrade.

______________
3RD INNING:

Hm, the pirantas aren't biting right now. Hopefully they can pick it up as the game wears on.

And then Nick has to effectively call me a jackass with a sharp single to right. I'm not even a little bit upset, Li'l NIcky.

Maybe Schilling is thinking that perhaps if he throws to first ten times in a row he wins a prize?

Little more stank on it next time, Mauah, but I understand if you were a little late on that because you fell asleep when Curt decided to play catch with Kevin Youkilis.

I've never understood the phrase "quickly 0 and 2." When is that not quick? Isn't it always after the first two pitches? If I ever call a baseball game, I'm going to say "God in heaven, that 0 and 2 count took long enough."

Good work Cuddy. You're a good fastball hitter. Unfortunately a more modest everything-else hitter.

G'deye, Justin Credible.

Augh! Why must you hant me, Justin Perestroika!? Why!?

I think Bonser has thrown 4 pitches so far in this game. I don't have time to do much, this guy's just mowing down Sox. Give him a little run support, and that'll make me a happy boy.

_______________
4TH INNING:

Tyner knows: If you hit the ball up the middle, you'll maintain a .320 average.

WV: Real shame he didn't take Schilling's head off.

RK: No, that's a good thing. You know he would have bandaged it up, gutted out his next start and sold the bloody gauze over the winter.

WV: That's Rondell flexing those barely used all season legs.

RK: He's only been a baserunner about 14 times this year.

WV: You're the Don Quixote to my Sancho Panza. And boy do I have a panza.

RK: Oh Luis. Ugly. That was uglier than your previous ugly swing against Wakefield. Jesus.

RK: Do you get nervous anytime a ball gets hit to center with Hunter out there?

WV: We'll have to readjust his potential contract total for next season. Apparently he can play defense again.

RK: Why don't they give Yaz a glock and have him try to shoot Hunter in the head while he's out there? It'd be quicker.

_______________
5TH INNING:

WV: Batgirl, you are correct in your estimation of Ron Coomer.

RK: And he's not even an endearingly ugly sumbitch.

WV: Well this game is about as exciting as Fox's new fall lineup. Maybe Schilling could throw some knuckleballs?

RK: Or a strike. Or not to first a dozen consecutive times.

WV: The Mauah strikeout is a shame.

RK: At least this is probably Schilling's last inning. I'd love to see the Red Sox bullpen. And it looks like Jeremy Bonderman has mad that mistake that induces a temper tantrum where he yells, "I don't even wanna pitch anymore!" He totally botched a sac bunt play. Watch him give up 12 runs in the next 10 minutes.

WV: I bet Eric Hinske thought he was going to a better place when he was traded to Boston.

RK: But I think Toronto's sinking ship might overtake the BoSox in the standings.

WV: And Cora will be doing pushups after the game.

RK: "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

_______________
6TH INNING:

WV: Did you know "John" changed his name to Boof when he was still in high school? Could you imagine what our names would be if our parents let us do that?

RK: Something ridiculous. Tits McGee, or something, I'm sure. I was the dumbest teeanger on the planet.

WV: Jeter has the night off? And you know why? Little bitch doesn't want to face Halladay. Wants to protect his average.

RK: Unlike our man Joe who digs in against Schilling because that's his job. Again with the models. Again, I don't want to run into either of you in a steamroom or sauna or anywhere we might be naked together.

WV: And White is around .300 after the All-Star break.

RK: Which is weird because I still weep every time his bat's not aflame with the Lord's righteous anger.

WV: Maybe Gardy accidentally saw a stat report.

RK: Be warned, Red Sox bullpen: beware the two out rally. Especially when you walk Rondell White with 2 outs. The pirantas take that personally. CREEPY GUYS IN THE BOOTH I'M PUTTING MY FINGERS IN MY EARS

WV: So White laid off a pitch and got a walk, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

RK: In his defense, the pitch was about 4 feet off the plate, but come on, even we can stand there with the bat on our shoulder.

WV: The thought of either one of us standing there with a bat on our shoulder is amusing.

RK: Socks hiked up, bewildered look on our faces.

**RED ALERT**

DUE TO MLB.TV NOT CUTTING TO COMMERCIALS WE GET TO HEAR THE ANNOUNCERS OVER THE BREAK, AT LEAST LONG ENOUGH TO HEAR THE UH, ONE... WITH THE THICK ASS BOSTON ACCENT SINGING "I'M TOO SEXY FOR NESN." I WISH I WAS KIDDING.

**END RED ALERT**

WV: Hm, the scouting report must show that Tyner doesn't hit too well down the 3B side.

RK: Detroit is up 2-0.

WV: Bonser's ERA is down to 4.36 with only 55 pitches tonight. His GB/FO ratio though, at 3:7 is worrisome.

RK: Yeah, those deep flies have been nail-biters, but no harm no foul.

WV: Yeah, as long as they're lazy flies behind the shortstop. Since Rondell's got his jets on and all.

RK: OK, Ortiz ties Jimmy Fox. Great. Now that's all I'll hear about. The game will be delayed for half an hour while Boston loses its collective mind.

WV: Our one run on 7 hits looks real nice now.

RK: It's no wonder they used to burn witches up there.

WV: Hot damn, Bartlett's good.

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7TH INNING:

RK: Hopefully Boston's bullpen can cough up some runs.

WV: Another quality start for Bonser. He's done his job.

RK: Well Bartlett definitely didn't start his own rally.

WV: Now that's the Foulke I remember.

RK: Yeah, the good old Bitch Sox days.

WV: Somewhere, Theo Epstien is throwing books about sabermetrics at Bill James. Aaand Little Nicky Punto just wet his pants.

RK: He's easily excitable. Christ, he didn't need to get punched out, but I believe Mauer's due tonight. Whaddya say, Joe?

WV: Or not. You think the Twins hitters are thinkig, "Well, Johan IS pitching tomorrow..."

RK: Oh that's such a "Rogers-Clemens-is-on-my-team" thing to think. Whoa, great arm, Joe!

WV: Boy, the last couple of innings are an exposition of why Boston isn't in playoff contention anymore. Missed signs, Poor execution, Depending on Ortiz.

RK: That's no way to win your division. In fact, relying on Ortiz without Ramirez in the line is straight foolhardy.

WV: Bonser roaring back like a tiger to strikeout Varitek after being down 3-0!

RK: Hm, we didn't need the Hinske double though. And now V.I.Petroia is up. So let's see what he can do for the glory of Mother Russia.

WV: With every web gem from Bartlett I throw another dart at my Juan Castro poster. And we kept this guy at AAA for a year and a half to work on his fielding?

RK: No no, his leadership.

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8TH INNING:

WV: That's my Cuddy bear.

RK: Cuddy Ruxpin!

WV: Hunter!

RK: No wonder Fenway is trying to kill him. He's punishing this park. I think he'll get to 30 HR.

WV: Is there such a thing as a swing worth 12 million bucks?

RK: Is that a Confucian question? I'm clapping with one hand right now.

WV: I'm a little surprised Hunter didn't tear his ACL rounding third

RK: Bite your tongue!

WV: And White, not to be outdone, doubles.

RK: And Detroit's up 4-nil.

WV: So suppose Papelbon still closes in '07: Another year underachieving?

RK: Well who knows if Papelbon could cut it as a starter? Eddie used to be a starter...

WV: And Silva used to be a reliever...

RK: Hey wait a second! Don't you get all Ivy League on me, Viestenz.

WV: Don't get all Polytechnic on me, Kirsch.

RK: And Tyner bunts to make it runners on the corners no out.

WV: Bunt singles rock my world.

RK: So do squib infield RsBI.

WV: Ford scores! Nixon absconds through bullpen - Next on A Current Affair.

RK: That was so a balk.

[some stuff happens]

RK: And it's runners on the corners, yet again. The pirantas are feasting!

WV: I was worried Castillo was going to try to impersonate Guzman. So the hit was nice to see.

RK: By the way, I think you're due up in the Red Sox bullpen.

WV: Oh, I better get going. I have a wicked submarine delivery. And by that I mean I thorw it like a grenade and take cover.

RK: Castillo just runs all over everybody.

WV: Y'know, when you're up three, doing a 3 stooges routine on the basepaths is pretty funny.

RK: Batgirl, it is so. It is very very much so. Between flirting with girls from Maine, discussing the male models and their outlooks on life, and being too sexy, not even I can top that.

WV: Crain decided that strikes are not currently in his best interest.

RK: All of a sudden the base running gaffe from last inning is less and less funny.

WV: Do you suppose Gardy will bring in Chingon to face Ortiz?

RK: You could bet his microscopic ERA on it.

WV: A walk is at the very least not a homerun.

RK: Neshek will put a stop to all this nonsense. He has some insanely loud ROCK AND ROLL to listen to.

WV: El Chingon hasn't done his job tonight. Now he can go back to sitting in for Pluto while it's on cosmic vacation.

RK: Neshek understands the principles of RAGNAROK. Or at the very least, he listens to the nordic death metal band of the same name.

_______________
9TH INNING:

RK: paco3791:

I don't know if they would have been fined though, since it comes out as "feckin"

WV: Mauer, Cuddy, and Morneau? How about Moryes!

RK; That's the offensive production we need from those slots, and I adore the fact that they do it in the late innings. It doesn't hurt that Boston's bulllpen is about as good as my beer league softball relievers, but still.

WV: 3 more runs? Why not!

RK: Holy shit, the Lew For Experiment even picked up a RIB! With lots of heart. Hey, during this pitching change, you know what I'd pay to hear? Pedroia saying, "Give that man his money"

WV: Well it looks like Neshek is going to stay in to finish it up.

RK: Or Joowan is in, but nice K of Varitek.

WV: Aaaand that's that.

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POSTGAME:

RK: So a sweep looks almost imminent with Johan on the mound tomorrow, huh?

WV: And he'll get his 19th win, I'm sure of it. Who are the Sox throwing at us tomorrow?

RK: Josh "Thank God for midseason contract extensions" Beckett.

WV: Oh, so they'll be literally throwing at us.

RK: They were elminated from the division tonight, so maybe they'll play fast and loose and all that BS.

WV: And again, Theo Epstein throws a thick compendium of statistics at Bill James.

RK: Right, a brilliant WS performance, a franchise pitcher does not make. See also: Randy Johnson. See also this season: Curt Schilling.

WV: I agree, bloody sock notwithstanding. Maybe Torii could sell shards of his left ankle bone on ebay.

Comments:
Dear Misters Blyevens,

Batgirl and Jeb were at the game last night, seating above third base, and suddenly they noticed a large rodent-like gentleman in a Twins jacket. There was Ron Coomer. Right there. 30 feet away. Not that close, but close enough for Batgirl and Jeb to say, "That is an ugly sumbitch."

Sincerely,
Batgirl
 
Dear Misters Blyevens,

The NESN announcers=BatShit crazy, n'est-ce pas?

Sincerely,
Batgirl
 
I was on the edge of my seat during the "red alert" waiting for the Red Sox announcers to litteraly "pull a Blyleven". That would have been just wierd.
 
Dear Mr. 3791,

I will be suggesting the same thing in tonight's entry.
 
did you hear the 'leeeeeew' and MVP chants during that sexy NESN telecast after Torii shut the crowd up? Beautiful
 
Best game yet guys! This has totally brought me to a whole new level of Twins-fanship, whatever the hell that made up word means.

Beckett has given up something like 5 hits and 2 runs in each of his last 4 games. That's an automatic Johan win no?

Keep it up.

Tony @The Last Shot Podcast
 
This is more fun that watching MST3000! Smart-ass commentary and Twins baseball -- what's not to like?

I have a theory about this season having to do with vowels. Torii's extra i; Morneau's gratuitous e; Mauer; and of course Booooof. Cuddyer, too, if you include the y. Rondell is an exception and I don't know how to account for Bartlett (what with his extra t), but it just seems like there is a surfiet of vowels on this team and that might be as good an explanation as any. I don't think it's Gardy suddenly hitting has managerial stride. It clearly isn't having everyone healthy.

We don't have a curse to overcome like the Saux or Cubs, so I'm going with the vowels.

Jim H.
 
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