Friday, September 08, 2006


Somebody Must Have Given Them The Memo That You Have To Win To Get Into The Postseason


Already a better start, Mr. Garza has successfully retired Granderson. You may know him as "Strikes McStrikerouterson." Not this time, he flew out, but he strikes out more often than any other leadoff man in the bigs. Yep, come here for your stats fetish.

Hey, guess what? I'm older than Matt Garza! Good thing I don't have a car! Or a garage! If you know what I'm saying.

Bert is apparently still not back in the booth. Has he been fired or what? I'm torn, because what he did gave us our namesake but I like the guy. I'd venture to say nobody else talks about their medical problems like him. Bert Blyleven is a man of the people.

1-2-3 from Garza. Garzilla? We need a catchy nickname for this bandito.

Hm, the "soft liner directly where the defense is positioned" bug is still affecting the team apaprently.

Wow, Ledezma. Gotta give him credit. Hell of a play. Hell. Of. A. Play.

3 things in life are certain: Death, Taxes, Base Hits by Chairman Mauer.

Ha! Ha! Yeah, pitch around Cuddy to get to Morneau. Brilliant.

Do you ever get a wicked grin when Morneau comes up like you're about to get some lovin'? I hope I'm not alone. I still love him even when he flies out to the right fielder.


Matt. Stop. Over the plate. Remember the 1st inning? Do that again. 0 out walks usually result in runs. Back to back walks with Sean Casey coming up is pretty much a baseball apocalypse.

Nice catch Rondell! But since you're 72 years old and collecting Social Security, I imagine your knees are going to be very, very sore in the morning.

Methinks Garza is getting a wee bit squeezed by Blue, but it ends well. Nice Houdini act there... [see, this is why we need a nickname - ed.]

We don't actually have an editor. That's just us.

When Torii Hunter has a good at-bat against a left-handed pitcher, let me know. I'm going to buy him a pizza. Huh, F9. Today is not that day.

Hey, it's a Phil Nevin sighting! Don't surprise it, he'll run away scared and you'll never see him again. Dammit Ledezma, you startled him! Who knows when he'll come back out now?

Hey guys, it's Robert. Just wanted to let you all know that I blame Silva and Baker entirely for sucking the place up the last couple of days. If only Liriano and Radke were around, y'know, things might be very different. But unlike Marty McFly, we can't change the past and make our parents fall in love. Oops, sorry! Didn't mean to open those wounds. I'm sure they love you equally. Back to the game.


Oh Cuddy, what were you thinking about? Love? Life? Lost love? Because you sure as hell weren't thinking about how to play right field.

(I'm not saying anything on purpose because I don't want to jinx Garza. Getting around a leadoff triple is a huge thing)

Oh, a 2-run double. Time to start watching the scoreboard to see if the White Sox are going to lose.

Well, I guess all things considered, that wasn't too terrible. I mean, it doesn't matter because we all know the Twins aren't going to come back, but let's keep it manageable, huh?

Wow, I leave for 9 seconds to go make some coffee, and there's 2 outs? Where are the pirahnas? Did I spell that right? I don't give a shit.

I've heard rumors that in batting practice, Mauer just hits jack up on jack. They could definitely use one of those here. Also, call me petty, but I'm not sure I could bear it if Mauer, after leading the league in batting since about 1978 loses it to Jeter. Because I hate Jeter. And that smug-ass grin on his face. Well, Joe. We'll take the single.

Dare I say it? Beware the 2-out rally. I guess it doesn't matter what I think. We'll see how Cuddy handles it. Good job, good job. You deserve 100 rbi as a reward.

I have fantasies of Morneau hitting a 3-run jack. I also have fantasies of two ladies at the same time. The former seems more likely and more pressing at this time.

Justin Credible! Take what they give you and the game is tied. Beware the two out rally!

Torii "Out #3" Hunter will probably end this threat, but so far so good. Hey, I should give fortunes for a living.


Someone needs to tell Mr. Garza that uh, innings aren't just two outs. Gotta get three, and walking people doesn't help.

A quick aside because I can't watch Garza put me through this: I like Detroit. I'm with Morneau that it should be anybody but Chicago. Their strength rests on their pitching, good situational hitting, and a good farm system, just like the Twins. And the team has been terrible for so long, they deserve a shot. Which isn't to say that I want the Tigers to win this game, but as long as the White Sox are out of it, I'm happy.

Now let's see the Twins put some runs on the board.

Y'know guys, as much as I love the two-out rallies, you don't have to do them every time. Or even at all, I guess.


Dear fans over the Twins dugout: don't mess with the balls in play. I mean, luckily, Punto used his superpowers to make the catch, but PENNANT RACE.

Why does Monroe kill us? I mean, the Twins are responsible for about half of his season stats.

God damn. Damn damn damn. Get Garza out of there. Damn. Damn.

The ChiSox are indeed losing though.

Wow, Reyes got some help from Blue. That was definitely a fair ball that Casey hit right there.

Y'know how Madden says the end zone stretches around the Earth? I feel the same way about Reyes's jowls.

And all of a sudden my feed stopped. So... let's assume good things happened.

Mauer, keep getting those hits. Seriously, if Jeter wins the title, I'm jumping off a damn bridge. I've said damn a lot recently, but that's what the back of this rotation does to me.

Seeing eye single, runners on first and second only one out? Could it be? No, but soft. Hold your breath.

Justin Credible! You can have my first born child! (I would probably give you that even if you struck out though, I mean, uh, y'know, I'm nobody's baby daddy)

A call to someone who might know: How can I get the MLB mosaic up and running on my Mac?

Could it be that Torii might do something here? Ohmylord! Let's exercise his huuuuge option! Sorry to make fun, Torii, I love it when guys steal third. Mainly because it's all on the pitcher. Settle down, Pudge.

INTERLUDE: You might be wondering where William is, but he's right now off contributing to his domestic tranquility. Can't blame a guy for that.


Well, I got interrupted by a maternal call. Needless to say, there was an offensive output on the Twins part. I realize you probably feel cheated by this because I know it doesn't happen very often, but hey, I never promised you anything.


Follow me on this one: Lew Ford is our new Dustan Mohr. Not that great, not used all that often, but has that certain je ne sais quois. So even when he strikes out in the ugly fashion he just did, we love him. I love you, Lew.


Remember when I broke down Rincon's numbers to show how his aggregate numbers belie how awful he's doing in the second half? Let me just reiterate that. But also let me reiterate that I love Joe Nathan.

Basically, I like any Twin whose name begins with a phoenetic "J". I say phoenetic as to avoid Juan Rincon.

Question! When Rincon lets a run in, even if not to the point of a save situation, do you bring in Nathan anyway? I would. Of course then Rincon gets the second out on a K, and that's why Gardy's at the helm and not me. Yet. Watch your back, old man.


Here's a new feature, and it'll take some explaining since William and I are so esoteric and layered, and want to use a level of allusion and reading between the lines that Leo Strauss himself would admire, we introduce:


When the Twins win, we praise someone. When they lose, we bury. Simple as that. and so;


This was a close call. Mauer almost got it because he protectd his rightful claim to the batting title throne by going 3 for 4 (even if they were all singles). Jeter helped him out too, by going 1 for 4. Remember the bridge, Joe. I don't want to have to jump.

But Justin Credible went 2-4, with three RBI, going the other way, passing Hafner to become second in the American League for RBI, and within striking distance of Ortiz. Justin is the Minnesotan Prometheus, bringing fire and runs to the offense. Oh yes, it's like that. With the ChiSox looking like they'll win, let's hope this team reverts to the team of June and July.

Thanks for holding down the fort during operation girlfriend takeover. You must really like el beisból.
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