Saturday, September 16, 2006


That Mound Sure Is Taking A Beating


I don't care what the cover of the book looks like, George Babbitt is a fat man. And he's fat because he's so contemptuous of everything other than fulfilling his most basal pleasures. C.C. Sabathia strikes me as a Babbitt character, literally throwing his weight around, down, and off the mound, tumbling toward the third base side. So he's self-absorbed, fine. I just worry about the fine people of Japan, when after enough pitches and seismic vibrations from C.C., will suffer a tsunami of epic proportions. Hopefully by the time that happens, Mr. Roboto can save them. Hm. Funny how we get from A to B to C, huh?


Castillo starts it off right, with the leadoff single, but then Punto decides that bunting into the seats is "not a good idea," but what's even worse, Little Nicky, is grounding into an around the horn with Tony Reali double play.

A few other hits, and of course when runners reach scoring position, the bats go silent, and after Sabathia gives up 3 hits, no harm done. I suppose I should be encouraged that three hits were tagged, but as we all know, situational hitting is the key.

Gordito up and going for the Twins. That's a lot of abuse the mound is taking.

You know how sometimes, Bartlett, when you're harvesting the pears you have to reach up real high to pick some of the fruits? Just imagine the ball is a pear when you reach up to try to snag the ball. See, stretching is important. Ask Griffey.

Who's this 1B? Donnie Garko must have come from the past when a jetliner engine fell into his bedroom. I never understood that movie. And Noah Wylie never returns my phone calls, emails, faxes, letters, or Jack-o-lanterns.

RK: Y'know, they don't have to constantly challenge themselves with the come from behind win.

WV: It's like they're bored. And while I adore Silva's pigheaded solipsism, I wish he'd focus more on the external of the reality of his sinkerball more often.

RK: Well, the damage was somewhat minimal anyway. I just want to know where the bats went after the Detroit statement game.


WV: Well with Liriano out, maybe we should end every sentence with "Well, at least the White Sox lost"

RK: But that's not an a priori analytic truth. Ground must be recovered! And Torii flies out to Donnie Garko. How unseemly.

WV: Rondell white up, Rondell white out

RK: A Phil Nevin sighting!

WV: Phil "I've Nevin seen a bench I didn't like"

RK: Aaron Boone was not high long enough to throw out a hard grounder by Nevin. I suppose he thinks this entitles him to go blaze up in the dugout

(quick aside: Aaron Boone's status as a pothead comes from an interview Robert saw on Sportscenter when he first went to the Indians and he was high as a kite. Not that Robert knows how to tell when a person is that hight. Y'know. Shut up.)

WV: Raise your hand if you want Adam Harben back.

RK: Yeah, if we wanted some futility from the right side of the plate, we'd DH Lew. With heart.

WV: And at least Lew could make it down the first base line before the next millenium.

RK: He can run like he's being chased by an online predator. Hey, Silva struck someone out! Perhaps he's aware Baker is pitching tomorrow.

WV: You and your online predator cracks. Great, now our site is going to show up on google searches for "Jon Benet Ramsey"... too soon?

RK: We're allowed one uncouth statement a night.

WV: I can't say this enough: Punto is a magician at third.


RK: We've got some 'pirantas' on base, and after some small ball and some buntings, runners on 2nd and 3rd, one out. But Curb Your Enthusiasm (Season 5 out now)

WV: You disagree with the sac bunt there?

RK: Absolutely not. The Twins need some damn runs. Alright Redmond, take 'em how you can get 'em. Game tied up.

WV: On a side note, if I'm ever a GM and Blake is on my team, I'm never ever releasing him.

RK: Well you could just get his kneecaps busted. But that's the Jersey in me talking. I'm pretty sure that you can hit the ball on the ground to any part of the field, and Punto could throw you out at first. Backward, toward first, doesn't matter.

WV: Silva is physically incapable of getting Sizemore out.

RK: And Detroit pulls ahead 1-rip. Oh, Donne Garko went to Stanford. Smarty pants

(William is at an Ivy League institution, so is probably rolling his eyes)

WV: Silva is like a hysterical girlfriend-type. You think she's fine, and then bam, she's on your computer and finds the po-- I mean, stubs her toe, and everything goes to hell.

RK: An out would be just... perfect. Not an HBP. NOT AN HBP.

WV: I'll bet it was tough to avoid Silva's 65 mph fastball.

RK: Oh yeah, the trainer came rushing out.

WV: Wonderful, Blake is playing. He's due for a grand slam then.

RK: Wow, we caught a break. Must be bizarro-Blake out there.

WV: And he makes an out. Stranger things have happened - like Santana's night last night.


RK: Cha-ching, Torii! You'll fetch quite a price at market my pretty!

WV: Capitalize on the error. "Reached On An Error: The Story Of Rondell White And The Minnesota Twins"

RK: Man, Phil Nevin just looks happy to be there.

WV: Jason Bartlett must like the ball up at his eyes.

RK: And the LOBs mount up. By my count 813.

WV: Well that was interesting.

RK: The old 1-3 DP. But it was the right call.

WV: Punto is automatic.


RK: For God's sake, Baltimore, do something.

WV: If they don't, Peter Angelous will blame it on the Washington Nationals.

RK: Maybe the O's should go to Canada. Think about what they've done.

RK: Look at Redmond! You're only backup on the depth chart, Mr. Chew

WV: Morneau was a little jittery there, and the lack of hits with RISP is really chapping my ass.

RK: I don't want to say anything, but Silva looks alright. He's settled down a bit.

WV: Wow, getting punched out on strikes by Silva does not look good on the resume, Mr. Michaels.


RK: Oh great, the announcers are gonna talk to more Asst. GMs. Uh, guys? There's a baseball game going on. Then again, with White, Nevin, and Bartlett up... a little understandable.

RK: Groundout from Donnie Garko... he must have been teased in school and THE BUNNY RABBIT! Good thing they managed to contain Blake to a single.

RK: I'm counting my blessings that these later innings are going so smoothly there's not much for us to say. I'd still like a little offensive explosion on the Twins's part, but there's nothing to get worked up into a snit over.


RK: Well, things continue charming here. Baltimore continues to decide that they don't feel like swinging the bat thank you very much and in fact do you mind too terribly much if we just skip the top of every inning? In fact, Detroit, if you feel like, it tack on another run. We won't stand in your way.

WV: Work the walk, Redmond!

RK: It warms me in the deep parts. Do you smell the RsBI? Sniff deeply.

WV: [off to contribute to domestic tranquility]

RK: Once again, no hits with RISP. You must shake this bug to win the pennants, my friends. You must finish the job.

WV: Usually, when Silva reaches the 7th, he's doing alright. His problem is giving up 5 runs in the first and second.

RK: I'm impressed. He's made 2 ours in the 7th on about 4 pitches. This is vintage 2005 Silva. A six pitch inning! Is Carlos back? I sure hope so. I've missed him so.


WV: Rondell White on a 6-game hitting streak. Tyner better watch out.

RK: Yeah, real neck and neck for the 8 spot in the batting order.

WV: I'm not liking Baltimore right now. Or Kris Benson.

RK: I'm not blaming him. 2 runs over 8 innings isn't bad. I blame the lineup.

WV: Y'know, with Rondell's stats post All-Star break, he might not be the worst option in left field.

RK: Nevin, while he's taking strike 3, is wondering if he remembered to leave a note for the house sitter to make sure his dogs get fed.

WV: Or, "Did I close the garage door? Wait - what the hell was that? Was that one of those... uh... oh yeah, that's right, fastballs grooved right down the middle of the plate. Did I used to swing at those?"

RK: At this point, I wouldn't take him on my beer league softball roster.

RK: Oh my lord, this poor pitching mound. Dennys Reyes is over there pounding it down now. I hope he makees it quick.

WV: One quick out. Guess what day it is today? Mexican Independence Day, bitch.

RK: Pop out and strikeout thusfar.

WV: You know your season's been rough when John Gordon says "Silva's third straight... better than average start"

RK: Damning with faint praise. And it's official, Detroit shut out Baltimore.

WV: In other news, the Antichrist from Kalamazoo is tied with the rightful holder of the batting title.

RK: Aaaand we're gonna have some hot, steamy Rincon action.

WV: First pitch, inning over.

RK: That's how you preserve the arm down the stretch Joowan.


WV: 0-9 with RISP tonight.

RK: And yet they're still bunting guys over.

WV: You have to like that. Story of the series so far. It's like Jay Gatsby trying to get with Daisy.

RK: No huevos at all.

WV: It sure is interesting that two lazy grad students with thinning hair are questioning the masculinity of professional athletes.

RK: Mike Redmond: one man RBI machine!

WV: And one pitch later, an inning-ending double play.

RK: Justin has not been so Credible lately.

WV: In comes Nathan, and I'm feeling fine.

RK: Hot damn, he's pretty to watch.

WV: And Aaron pulls a Bret Boone and strikes out. Flip your bat; I dare you.

RK: And that's it that's all that's all there is


WV: So what happens at the end of Babbitt?

RK: I don't know

WV: Me either.

RK: Let's assume he becomes the losing pitcher for an underperforming team with a racially insensitive mascot playing on the shores of Lake Erie.

WV: Dare we start talking about a magic number?

RK: I'm loathe to do that unless you're winning the division, but let's just say that wins like this while CWS is regretting their decision to let Frank Thomas go is important to the end of RAGNAROK, where the last series of the season doesn't matter.

I watch Twins games via too and i'm glad i'm not the only one who finds the Indians announcers failure to comment on the game whenever they have some front office chump up there confounding. It's really strange -- Fausto Carmona could be engaged in RAGNAROK and they wouldn't mention a word of his untimely death.
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