Saturday, September 23, 2006

 

These Things Come In Threes

______________
PREGAME

WV: So today we have one of those delightful Scott Baker/Opposing Team’s Ace matchups, going up against Bedard who in the last 30 days has a 1.91 ERA and 2.68 since the All Star break.

RK: At least it looks like the White Flags’ are going to lose again today.

WV: They’ve sure taken to our nickname. Pretty soon they’ll be the White Frenchman, because let’s be honest, fighting them for the wild card is like trying to occupy Paris.

RK: I think you and I could take the Eiffel Tower with a swiss army knife and styrofoam cup in about 15 minutes.

WV: In all fairness, you and I would be lucky if we could take a free sample from Cub Foods.

RK: Let’s just hope for the best today, ok?
______________
1ST INNING

WV: You better be sitting down for this: Mike Redmond is batting 3rd. Again.

RK: Good lord. Would it hurt to move up Morneau or Hunter up to 3rd on days like today?

WV: And what an inauspicious start.

RK: A Nick Punto single! Take a lollipop on your way out.

WV: I promise that our criticism of Redmond was written before that goddam horseshit double play.

RK: File that one under the “What the fuck did you expect?” category.

WV: Seeing as how this game started just after 4:20, here’s hoping Scott Baker shows up and not Scott Baked. Because he has problems pitching without a visual impediment.

RK: He did pitch well in his last star....oop, there’s a smoking base hit. Delightful.

WV: Hey I remember Chris Gomez...way back from the dark days of winning division titles B.M.

RK: Before Mauer?

WV: Yeah. Those were some dark days. Rick Reed?

RK: Yeah all that winning sure did suck. I’m not sure how many strikes Baker needs to throw here before he gets a call.

WV: Lots of those to first here. Maybe they want to make sure Nevin still remembers what a baseball glove is.

RK: Godammit all. Memo to Twins pitchers: It’s not necessary to give up runs every first inning.

WV: You’d think Radke was starting. But another web gem from Castillo bails Baker out of the inning.

RK: I think he might be Baked.

______________
2ND INNING
WV: That’s my Cuddy bear working the count.

RK: A little DH action for Morneau today. Maybe he can hit a home run now.

WV: That would be quite an epiphany for one and all.

RK: But no, strike 3.

WV: Jesus jumped up Christ. Somebody fire Jerry White or whoever it is waving these guys on from first. Son of a bitch.

RK: Even if he was safe. Christ.

WV: Oh you, always stuck on irrelevant details. Hey, somebody send Rondell a pizza.

RK: And Nevin fulfills his role as “rally killer”.

WV: “Trade bust.”

RK: “Who’s that guy?”

WV: You win. Terry Ryan is a great GM but one of his strengths is definitely not knowing which washed up castaway veteran is going to have a late season resurgence.

RK: Baker with a strikeout. Pleasant surprise, not unlike when you find five dollars in your winter coat.

WV: Especially so for Dustin Pedroia. $5 is a month's worth of bread and vodka.

WV: I'll excuse Bartlett for that one in light of his recent play.

RK: Right, but somebody should remind Dimples how to play right field. The laziest fly ball on an excuse-me swing got by him.

WV: Didn't you know there's a new rule. No more 1-2-3 innings.

RK: Oh, it’s like a challenge on a reality television show.

WV: I just want to ask Cuddy how he can not get good reads on the ball when he plays at the Metrodome.


______________
3RD INNING
RK: And another Twins GIDP. They must lead the league.

WV: It sure feels like they do anyway.

RK: Why not

WV: They definitely lead the league in pissing me off.

RK: They also lead the league in giving me Anger Salad.

WV: 5 hits now, 1 run. At this pace we might pull out a win once we hit 45 singles.

RK: Perhaps the team is unaware that they have to be a little more proactive in this playoff push.

WV: Are all of the Twins’ batters bored? Why is everyone stretching singles into doubles, for better or worse?

RK: It has tended to be worse. But Redmond and his 3 career stolen bases reached deep down for some evanescent base running prowess.

WV: 2 runs on a Cuddy strikeout. This has shades of 2002 against the O's.

RK: Ragnarok, my friend, is what happened.

WV: For now, Justin Credible can temporarily be Justincredible.

RK: He sure can.

WV: If the Twins win and the BoSox lose, the Red Sox are out of it, so let's hope that happens.

RK: Right

WV: And if the Sox lose Detroit is assured a playoff spot.

WV: White Flags I mean

RK: Right

WV: Also, if Oakland holds on to beat the Angels, and the Twins win, they're out.

RK: Basically, if all the scores hold, the magic number is 2 with the White Flags.

WV: The Pear King makes up for his earlier troubles

RK: He definitely atoned.

WV: Which is good, it being Rosh Hashanah and all.

RK: Another dropped ball. Are they using trick baseballs or something?

WV: Or injecting error-oin.

RK: And the Flags go ahead. Might have to start calling them the Sox again.

WV: They probably didn’t want to call it, it being meaningful and all.

RK: Boy it is sure depressing having to root for Seattle and Kansas City. It’s like trying to will Ball State to a victory over USC.


______________
4TH INNING

WV: 11-7 Chicago.

RK: Oh Seattle. They cancel “Frasier” and you understandably go into a swoon. Poor town.

WV: Not even "Grey's Anatomy" has pulled them out.

RK: I think it's because of Patrick Dempsey.

WV: Baker needs to stoop giving up smashes on 0-2 counts.

RK: A triple with 0 outs, natch.

WV: Uh oh, another 0-2 count.

RK: And an RBI. Guerrier’s already up in the bullpen.

WV: McDimples sure is geting a workout today.

RK: And Baker’s already out.

WV: 2 out double rocketed down the right field line to Cuddyerland will do that to you. So there wwew rumblings that Perkins might get Baker's next start, depending on today and our playoff outlook in 5 days.

RK: I think the playoff berth is for all intents and purposes locked down. I think they ought to start Perkins anyway.

WV: Maybe it’ll fill more seats at the dome, former Gopher and all.

______________
5TH INNING


RK: Well, let's look at it this way: it's a whole new ball game... in which the Twins can strand two runners an inning and wrap into DPs.

WV: And if it weren’t for Gomez’s errant throw that’s how it would’ve went too.

RK: Oh, they’ve got plenty of opportunities to continue hitting into DPs.

WV: And the White Flags did indeed win.

RK: They did, but Torii comes through and puts 2 more up on the board.

WV: Yahtzee!

RK: He might just hit 30 this season, making this hoopla over Justin Morneau reaching the mark an afterthough.

WV: Hell, Hunter might end up beating Morneau for the team lead in dingers.

RK: Rondell inches a little closer to earning his paycheck, 3 for 3 now.

WV: Maybe seeing the Bitch Sox come back lit a fire under their arses.

RK: Best thing I've heard all day: "Russ Ortiz is warming up in the Orioles bullpen".

WV: Right, next to 2 runs scoring on a Cuddyer strike out.

WV: Guerrier really does look like a badger is attacking his chin.

RK: And he’s on the line for his first career win.

WV: Hey, maybe they should put Tyner in and see if he knocks one out.

RK: Walks probably won’t do it there Matty.

WV: Great play by Punto. Little Nicky’s been working on his barehand grabs.

RK: Unfortunately Guerrier hasn’t been working on throws to first.

WV: Not sure whether Tiffee coming in is an improvement or not.

RK: This has broken wrist written all over it.

WV: I didn’t realize that Ragnarok had such a long ending.

Rk:: It’s gonna take more than 6 runs to win here I think.

WV: Perkins up in the pen. Yep, definitely more than 6 runs.

______________
6TH INNING
RK: I hate slugfests. It didn't work in the Cold War, it doesn't work in baseball.

WV: Yeah, maybe they should break the Orioles up into multiple undistinguishable smaller nations. Azerbaltimorestan, for instance. They can all speak languages closely related linguistically to Oriolese.

RK: Well some Orioles owners might argue that the Balkanization began when the Nats came to town.

WV: Can I blame that horrible call on Castillo’s steal on the Washington Nationals as well?

RK: Punto gets punched out on a ball 6-8 inches off the plate.

WV: And then has the bravado to argue it.

RK: And just to be fair, he punched Redmond out on a ball equally outside.

WV: Honestly, this strike zone is the size of a Maytag box.

RK: What a long fucking game.

WV: Must be why the strike zone is the way it is. Wants to go home and watch Notre Dame or something.

RK: More like Brady Quinn State University.

WV: University of Too-Good-For-A-Conference Dame

RK: With Weis and Quinn though, ND has a powerful 1-2 Great White Hype combo.

WV: By the way, 1 out, bottom 6, LaTroy warming up.

RK: And we’ve got a LaTroy Hawkins sighting.

WV: The Latroy?

RK: Believe it.

WV: "Hey Latroy! Still think you're a closer?"

RK: More like a pandora’s box opener.

RK: But an inverted pandora’s box. Hope escapes first.

WV: How does Perkins look?

RK: OK until he hung a 2-out breaking ball that was laced into Cuddyville for a single. Gardy yanked him.

WV: An endangered and easily frightened creature, the elusive 1-2-3 inning lurks in the shadows.

RK: They're apparently going to try to get through the rest of the season without those.

WV: Maybe Cuddy is just so pumped about the Tech win he's just rampaging out in right.

RK: And no broken wrist on Nevin. So hopefully the Terry Tiffee Experiment will be short lived.

WV: I haven't seen any other catches made yet today, but Hunter just turned in Web Gem numero uno.

RK: You think he’s earned that contract option yet?

WV: It's becoming harder and harder to justify not re-signing.

RK: It’s frightening to think of Tyner roaming center field next season.

WV: And hitting .300 with 0 home runs and 9 doubles.

RK: With a .500 Looking Eccentric Percentage.

______________
7TH INNING
RK: Hawkins recently on the DL

WV: Apparently for "Goodness Delusion Disorder"

RK: It's a terrible affliction

WV: And in typical fashion, Cuddy bear pokes a single through the left side.

RK: After being befuddled by offspeed pitches.

RK: Seriously, ask your doctor about Derek Lowe disease.

WV: The Twins must think they're on a road trip to the Bush League because that was some awful baserunning just there for

two quick outs.

RK: And my thing is this: when they run out Russ Ortiz and Latroy Hawkins, and you don't score any runs, there's something the matter with you.

WV: Like herpes.

RK: Like herpes.

RK: They've done pretty much everything they can to lose this game.

WV: Right, and we're just letting them hang around.

RK: That usually doesn't end well.

RK: And apparently neither the angels nor saints can get Corey Patterson out today.

WV: And Tigers up 3 to 0 with bases loaded

WV: Fucking Mark Redman

RK: Hey man, you can't really expect much there and you know that.

WV: Wow that was a long fly out.

______________
8TH INNING

WV: And Rondell's average up to .244 after going 4 for 4.

RK: Yes and yes, I almost spit out my coffee when I saw his average.

WV: Love those double plays

RK :And I think that after Tiffee hit into the 6-4-3 he won't be seeing any playing time tomorrow.

WV Before tonight we were 3rd in the majors hitting into double plays.

WV: 4 behind Oakland, I imagine we'll be much closer.

RK: There have been 3 tonight.

WV: Wonderful. 9 to nothing, Tigers still batting in the first. 13 batters sent to the plate so far.

RK: Unfortunately Daniel that is the exact same Mark Redman who shut us out last month.

WV: Insurance runs are wonderful, unlike Mark Redman.

RK: Punto delivers.

WV: And I'll have delivered to him a pizza.

RK: I'll bet he likes his pizza small with a thin crust.

Wv: Punto is so hot right now

RK: Yes he is, he is quick to accumulate heat because of his smaller mass and surface area. And that's a true science fact.


______________
9TH INNING

RK: Scott Baked is now 28 years old and sooo lost his buzz.

WV: And more baserunning gaffes as Cuddy Ruxpin tries to tag up on a long fly from Morneau to second

RK: And is thrown out by a number of feet.

WV: It's like they are inventing new ways to get doubled up.

RK: Baltimore must be really upset that they are losing this one

RK: Also, add this as a reply to Daniel's comment; the ebb and flow of Mark Redman is hard to predict. But mainly it's the Twins' penchant for letting subpar pitchers look like Sandy Koufax (See: Cabrera)

WV: Agreed. But then today they beat up on Bedard. Go figure.

RK: And now we have the lew ford experiment

WV: Who knocks in Torri Hunter

RK: Well, if the Twins win this game, the Red Sox are out.

WV: I like the sound of that.

RK: Maybe it will put a damper on their hysteria.

RK: JIMMIEFOXXJIMMIEFOXXJIMMIEFOXXDAVIDORTIZDAVIDORTIZJESUSCHRISTJIMMIEFOXX

WV: 19 hits, Christ. Could've used some of these last night.

RK: Time for Twitch 'n Pitch to do his thing.

WV: And Nathan demonstrates how a ensare the elusive 1-2-3 inning.

______________
POSTGAME

RK: It's time to talk about magic numbers. And with this win, it drops the Twins' to 3. And if we're on the winning end of Ragnarok, and we know we are, we have 4 games to get this number to zero so in the final game of the series, we can laugh in the White Flag's faces as we trot out, oh, say, Scott Baker to start.

WV: Who do the White Flags play next?

RK: They have one more against Seattle and then a 3-gamer with Cleveland.

WV: So, it's conceivable they could lose a couple too.

RK: Well sure, any combination would be acceptable, but it was imperative to get out of this mini-mini-losing streak (since numerically, 2 a streak does not make). It all goes back to being proactive.
The best way to work down the magic number is to win. That way you get one for sure, and on a good day, two.

WV: Conceivably, the first phase of Ragnarok could come to pass on Monday.

RK: Conceivably.

WV: The second phase would be division right?

RK: Yes, the first phase is the elimination of the Guillens. The second phase is the division. The third phase is the final battle in the postseason. So put on your viking helmet, Joe Mauer. Let's get to work.

Comments:
Mark Redman's line for the night:

0.1 IP, 7 H, 8 R, 8 ER, 2 BB, 0 SO, 1 HR.

Didn't this guy 2-hit us like a month ago?
 
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