Thursday, September 21, 2006

 

Throwing Baseballs in Glass Houses Will Tear Ligaments In Your Wrist!

_______________
PREGAME:

RK: Johan Santana (Last Friday didn't happen)

RK: (YOU HEAR ME? DIDN'T HAPPEN)

WV: As far as I'm concerned, today is September 20th.

RK: I like your style.

WV: And that has nothing to do with getting hammered last night and waking up missing my pants.

RK: No, because that happens too often to warrant day cancellations.

WV: What happened last Friday was the equivalent of Santana pulling a Marty McFly and returning to an alternate 2006.

RK: Now his shit is all in order, Biff is washing his Humvee, and he'll continue being Senor Backwards K.

WV: Or "K al revés" as he would say.

RK: I like that story. Are there hoverboards?

WV: There are, that's how Rondell has rediscovered his quick step.

RK: So Giambi has a small tear in his left wrist ligament.

WV: He must have hurt it throwing A-Rod under the bus.

_______________
1ST INNING:

WV: A cursory look at the line up reveals Tyner hitting 8th as the Designated Slap-Singler.

RK: Geez, you think the Red Sox were eliminated last night? Kapler, Carlos Peña, Pedroia all starting.

WV: Mikhail Pedroia sure wears the red color like a real KGB

RK: If Santana and his 2.75 ERA pitched for the Sox like Beckett he'd be nearing 35 wins.

WV: And he'd have gotten Theo Epstein drunk and cajoled an obscene contract extension after the first 7.

RK: Someone should tell the Twins hitters that we only cancel days when Santana doesn't pitch well.

WV: With poetic justice, Mauer nearly nails New York on the left field scoreboard as he raps a double off the Monster

RK: The announcers are saying it takes Cuddyer twice as long to become accustomed to new surroundings.

WV: That doesn't bode well for his upcoming wedding. Muito mau!

RK: And once again Cuddyer looks ridiculous with every pitch not a fastball.

WV: 33rd start of the season---Also the age at which Jesús Cristo died. I hope that’s not a bad omen....in a biblical sense. I like how the Sox are playing a bunch of young players but finding a spot for Pedroia will be tough when they go sign Julio Lugo to replace their current All-Star 2nd baseman.

RK: Well historically Fenway is not kind to Santana.

WV: Not with Judas Ortiz around.

RK: Let’s just chalk this up to Santana doing an old friend a favor.

WV: Ok, everyone can go home now. See you in Spring Training when we defend our Mayor’s Cup title. Yeah, that’s right, you guys haven’t beaten us since last March.

RK: Yes, Shrek hit 51. Now get back to striking people out.

WV: Santana tells Mauer, “Uh...I’m just showing Boofie and Garza how NOT to pitch...heh heh....what?”

RK: “Ok fine, I’ll start throwing strike outs now. Have you guys no sense of humor? Come on Joe, crack a smile. [tap tap] Is this thing on?”

_______________
2ND INNING:

RK: Yeah, I'm sure Santana’ll get better once he realizes, "Hey, it's proscribed in Ragnarok that I sit all bitches down who dare come before me"

WV: Unfortunately, Sr. K happens to be Sr. 33% of hits I give up are homers too.

RK: The Bos-Wash Sports Media Superstructure (B-WSMC) will be drooling over this all night. And that's OK. It'll be like the Patriots and not getting respect.

WV: To prove this point, Berman is still jabbering on about it. I may have missed this but isn’t one of these teams playing for 1st place?

RK: Just like Torii drew it up.

WV: And Berman, proving he hasn’t studied baseball since the birth of Genghis Kahn, claims Torii still runs well.

RK: I’ll take the bunt single, it’s like going to a strip club. A lot of build up, small result.

WV: In fact, that's what we should call the swinging bunt single. To wit: Torii strip clubs a ball up the third base line.

RK: I’m pretty sure Berman has said more about football than baseball in this game.

RK: This is insane. I'm not panicking. Yet. But I will soon.

WV: Rick Anderson is probably upset he had to actually get up and use his legs tonight.

RK: I guess the Detroit Free Press made a panic button for the Tigers. Do we have one?

WV: I can’t even formulate words for this.

RK: Did Glen Perkins dress up as Santana today? I’m not panicking for the record.

WV: It’s one of Boston’s patented 2-run smash bunt singles.

RK: Great, and now the Russian's up. He must get a loaf of bread for every base hit or something.

WV: Mauer’s throw to third looked on target. Maybe he and Johan should trade off for a while.

RK: Hey, that dive is probably what prevented Gonzalez from breaking for home.

WV: Rondell throwing home resembles chucking a wiffle ball into the wind.

RK: Well hey, look at it this way: Beckett's ERA is above 5. So yeah, a comeback kinda stands to reason.

_______________
3RD INNING:

RK: Now let's hope they can not only contain the bleeding but put some runs up themselves

RK: And that, my friend, is the perfect example of why "cannot" is one word

WV: Ok, starting off with a single. Nice.

RK: And...we’ve got a Metrodome chopper at Fenway.

WV: At this point I’ll take it however we can get it.

RK: Let’s be honest, this Gonzalez kid is no Pear King.

WV: Tough to criticize Joe Mauer but is he going to let every pitcher lead off the at-bat with meat fastballs?

RK: Yeah, and then hot hit into DPs.

RK: This is like an inverted universe, we're winning all of the games except Santana's now.

WV: Right.

RK: The taxis have definitely overtaken the cosmos.

WV: Well, I hope Santana can get out of this quick

RK: Yeah, listen to us now, talking to Santana like he's Scott Baker.

WV: Does he have a thorn in his paw or something?

RK: At least he didn’t lay himself out on that comebacker to the mound.

WV: “The Tek is on with a 1 out single.” Bermans has just gotten lazy these days. This from the man who gave us Bert “Be home” Blyleven.

RK: And there’s the Santana of old.

WV: Yeah, but striking out Peña is like stealing 20 bucks from your grandma’s purse.

RK: And the umpire’s uniform is as black as your soul.

WV: You think you can out simile me?

RK: Anyways, the K is a ray of hope.

WV: Unlike that walk to Kapler.

WV: You think this is some late season fatigue? His last 20 starts have all been basically must wins, must be physically taxing.

RK: And sometimes pitchers have off nights. He's thrown 71 pitches so I predict a Guerrier appearance soon.

WV: I concur.

RK: Again, 4 runs is approachable with Beckett and his 5.something ERA on the mound.

_______________
4TH INNING:

WV: So Beckett walks every other batter he faces and we continue to swing at pitches way out of the strike zone

RK: Maybe they're a little nervous about moving into first?

WV: Perhaps.

RK: It's like after coming out of the cave and realizing the way things are, they're having a hard time going back into the cave and telling the people about the shadows on the wall.

WV: Once upon a time, I may have given up on this game.

RK: No, now we start spewing venom because we're fickle pricks.

WV: This is merely a blip on the Ragnarok radar.

RK: But it's all been pre-ordained, it's unavoidable.

WV: Living in New York, I've only seen the Twins 6 times this year. And they are 1-5. Maybe I should turn the television off.

RK: Hm, if I were the superstitious type, I'd say you're cursed, big guy.

WV: I think this is the worst move Santana has made since he decided to resurrect his career by teaming up with Rob
Thomas.

RK: Oh now why did you have to go and remind me of that song?

WV: Because it's sooo smooth.

_______________
5TH INNING:

WV: Rondell should patent that staring straight up at a pop-up look.

RK: We're hitting the ball squarely, just right at the Red Sox fielders.

WV: I despise Beckett's hemp necklace.

RK: And his stringy goatee.

WV: Right, the whole boehemian look doesn't fly when you're making millions. Actually, it never flies.

RK: I bet he'd wear Birkenstocks on the mound if they let him.

WV: No, he's probably one of those that walks around barefoot everywhere.

RK: Right. I mean, if it doesn't work for Barry Zito in the Bay Area....

WV: I know. Maybe Epstein should send Beckett a bar of soap with his paycheck.

WV: To Santana's credit, he has once again kept things within reason.

RK: Right. And like we've said, if Baker gave up 4 runs over 5, we'd be OK with that.

WV: I'd be doing cartwheels.

RK: Fact of the matter is, this isn't Scott Fucking Baker.

WV: We justifiably have high expectations for Señor Backwards K.

RK: This isn't helping his Cy Young candidacy. Luckily, there's nobody in second place.

WV: And if he doesn't make a stupid throw to first base that ends up near the Atlantic Ocean, it could be 1 to nothing.

RK: And we shouldnt overlook the ineptitude of the Twins hitters tonight when dishing out the blame.

_______________
6TH INNING:

RK: Two quick outs. Who's this Josh Beckett guy anyway? Is he any good? Oh, he struck out the side, including the rightful heir to the batting title? Oh, well gosh, that's impressive.

WV: And our prescience is duly noted, with a Matt Guerrier performance.

RK: He's a loooong longman.

WV: What is it with pitchers and goatees? Santana's is sexy because it's sculpted and cared for. Guerrier looks like a ferret is attacking his chin.

RK: He and Beckett have a gentleman's bet going.

WV: Well, Santan's ERA only went up to 2.79, so not too dire.

RK: And Guerrier decides it's time to just get this thing over with.

_______________
7TH INNING:

RK: jmk and paco3791:

Could be worse. You could have ESPN 2 on. Berman is certainly not in his element when discussing baseball.

WV: Really, this guy apparently hasn't watched a game since 1982.

RK: Is this a scoring threat I see before me?

WV: Of course not, you see a double play.

RK: I really should have known better.

RK: Berman is still talking about Jimmie Foxx. He does realize that Foxx is dead, right?

WV: Worst. Announcer. Ever.

RK: And Ortiz hits another.

WV: Why not? May as well let them pile it on.

RK: Man, then Lowell. Blogging is no fun when you're getting trounced.

WV: And when a Santana loss seems imminent.

RK: Maybe we could suggest alternatives to this punishment? Like some sort of Arts & Crafts?

WV: Design a new hairstyle for Chris Berman?

RK: That is quite the challenge.

_______________
8TH INNING:

RK: Down 6-0, time for a rally!

WV: A rally, you say?

RK: Yeah! You know, the get runners on 1st and 2nd, nobody out then strike out and GIDP! Whoo!

WV: Hopefully Chicago loses and we can pretend like tonight never happened.

RK: I hope the Pear King doesn't get arrested for the attempted murder of Mike Lowell.

WV: Well Glen Perkins looks like a pitcher.

RK: May as well get a good look at him now.

_______________
9TH INNING:

RK: Uh, is there a ball game going on here or what? Hey, another base hit for Joe! Must find upswing where you can.

WV: Ugh, Justin, so close!

RK: Yeah, a little personal stats padding would make this loss more bearable.

WV: I'm switching to the White Sox game and praying for a loss.

_______________
POSTGAME:

RK: Well it's true you can't win them all.

WV: But Santana never loses.

RK: Right, but you do expect to win when he takes the mound, regardless of his 1-2 history at Fenway.

WV: But if Chicago loses, the magic number will be 5.

RK: And Ragnarok, where the final series of the season doesn't matter, can still come to pass.

[Special guest contribution from RV, official father of WV]: Maybe you guys can condense the 8th, 9th, and postgame into one line: Well goddammit all!

RK and WV: Well said.

Comments:
AHHHH!!! NESN just cut away from the game for 2 freaking minutes just to interview the guy who caught Ortiz's HR ball somewhere in the bowels of Fenway. In the meantime, the Twins hit into 2 outs. Seriously what's with these non-Twins announcers. First the Indians with their asst. GM and now this. Excuse me, I need price a DirecTV sattelite sports package. G'day.
 
Although I have to say that compared to the bitch sox announcers, these guys and all of the other away annnouncers have been a real pleasure to listen too.
 
good point--thanks for putting it in perspective, paco. At least it's not Harrelson.
right now the announcers are defending themselves against angry email about them making fun of the chubby model...they basically told the fans to shove it. "Chill out, it's all in fun...fat is the new skinny"..or something like that. I love Boston.
 
OK, so while their better than the bitch sox announcers, apperently the term "Minnesotan" is in some strange alien tounge or something.
 
Dear Misters Blyleven,

Yes, you missed some wonderful NESN moments, including another half-inning of shick about the NESN t-shirts and the pleasantly plump guy modling them on the website. A whole haf-inning. Batgirl shits you not.

Regretfully,
Batgirl
 
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