Pulling A Blyleven

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PREGAME:

RK: I want to address iowanianerins's comment. Yeah, her predictions are often wrong, as are ours.

WV: Oh yeah, nothing we say is true.

RK: But that could be a good thing. Remember Laocoon? Warns the Trojans not to take the horse, and Poseidon shuts him up Jersey-style by sending serpents to drag him and his sons into the sea.

WV: There's got to be a moral here.

RK: The squeaky wheel is the first to be replaced. And if you're wrong all the time, nobody takes you seriously. It's those people who are constantly right and so "listen to me I'm so right and I'm in-your-face-about-it," take it in stride. Someday serpents will eat them.

WV: Is that part of Ragnarok?

RK: It can be.

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1ST INNING:

WV: Wow, Silva's making some quick work of these guys.

RK: Does he know that this is a meaningful game? Surely if he did, he'd be giving up doubles right now.

WV: Let's hope nobody tells him.

RK: And also let's hope that Redman isn't Whitey Ford against the Twins like he usually is.

WV: Hm, the Lew Ford Experiment is batting second. They'll soon find that performing the tests under a new paradigm will reveal great disappointment and anxiety.

RK: Wait... donde esta Castillo?

WV: Hmmm

RK: Good to see the Antichrist from Kalamazoo and his minion are both oh-fer.

WV: And some almost homerun style Mauer-Pauer to center scores Punto.

RK: Cuddy is baffled again by non-fastballs.

WV: Morneau will drive in Mauer.

RK: Stone.

WV: Or not.

RK: No sea snakes at least.

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2ND INNING:

RK: Silva gets off to a fast start and then of course hits a batter.

WV: This would be where it "all falls apart"

RK: I'm convinced that Silva has a gentleman's agreement with Santana (all Venezuelan agreements are gentlemanly. And full of fiery passion!) that he will not suck. If Johan can battle back, Carlos can at least try.

WV: Here's to Costa not costing us a run. I am so alone.

RK: The last man. You should be in an avant-garde graphic adaptation of a Kafka novel.

WV: The one with the spiders or the one with the feds?

RK: What's the difference?

WV: Touche.

RK: Not bad for Silva. The HBP doesn't come back to haunt him.

WV: Toronto's up 3.

RK: You know what's nice about spaghetti?

WV: What's that?

RK: it's so simple, and yet so delicious that you think, "Wow, I'm an amazing cook!" when all you did was boil noodles and heat up some sauce out of a jar.

WV: Right. Then you put on a mountain of parmesan cheese and you're a regular Emeril Lagasse.

RK: I'm more of a Bobby Flay man myself.

WV: So Redman and Silva have pretty much identical ERAs, 5.85 and 5.88 respectively. Both have 10 wins... So logically, Silva is traded to KC after the season.

RK: Oh, I'd think we could do better than that on the trade market.

WV: I'm a Sophist. Deal with it.

RK: Rondell's genuflection pays off, and he singles.

WV: Wow, you'd think that was Silva out there, getting that double play turned.

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3RD INNING:

RK: The White Flags are winning! Enjoy your empty victory, South Siders! Play real hard for mommy!

WV: Enjoy that Thome trade, everybody! Looks like it's paid dividends... to finish in third place! They're like the sort of pretty girl with a lazy eye but her parents have money - of the AL Central.

RK: This analogy is starting to make me feel weird.

WV: I don't want to say anything.

RK: Me either. Ever. Wait, what are you talking about?

WV: This might be vintage 2005 Silva. It is after the first 2 innings.

RK: And then he fucks with DeJesus and it's all tied up.

WV: He shoved the gun up Silva's arse and pulled the trigger until it went "click." And then he settles back down. How hard can it be to score runs off of Redman? Oh hey! I see Berroa's playing. Must not have ruptured his Achilles tendon shopping at Southdale earlier this afternoon.

RK: Oh Punto, you are just a terror on the basepaths! Inducing a balk.

WV: The Lew Ford Experiment is battling up there. With heart.

RK: Toronto up 4-rip.

WV: Ah hell.

RK: You hate to see when that happens to the hit and run. But you can't blame anybody. It's like when a childhood friend dies. Everybody says you can't blame anyone. Sometimes line drives are caught, and Ford just keeps motoring into the dugout.

WV: No matter how much you want to blame Lew Ford for the former and God for the latter. Anyway, you think they just take the Lew Ford battery out after the game and put him in a broom closet? Proving the artificial intelligence lags in development, he often is incompetent, ironing his shirt while it's on and such.

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4TH INNING:

RK: I'd love to see a Lew Ford short-circuit.

WV: And Silva keeps hanging breaking balls.

RK: And even the sad Mike Sweeney hits them out of the park..

WV: Silva must've accidentally overheard somebody mention the Tigers score. And like that, the game's on the line, he fails to rise to the occasion.

RK: He and ARod would get along famously.

WV: I mean Christ. I think Sweeney by now is missing several vertebrae in his back yet he has no problem knocking one out.

RK: He's actually now classified as a sea anemone.

WV: Thank God we got Punto along with Silva. If I wanted a homerun machine, I'd take Eric Milton. At least he's left-handed. And not fat.

RK: And he threw a perfect game to Terry Steinbach. That's quite an accomplishment, no matter how things go in Cincy.

WV: This is what we need, Carlos. A meltdown against the worst team of the last 20 years.

RK: I know you can't win them all. But you can and should win them all against the Royals.

WV: He's like my blender. Even though it's taxonomy is Blender, since it's from the early 90s it's really just a chunk of machinery.

RK: Well, Guerrier's up at least.

WV: Man, the Royals should call up Hocking. He'd probably hit one out.

RK: Probably.

WV: Do you think Tyner wishes he could dig in against Silva?

RK: It'd probably end the drought.

WV: What the hell?! Another basehit?

RK: That is 12 in a row.

WV: Honestly. It's as if I were to take a prelim with my students and score lower than they do. That's what this is like.

RK: Guerrier needs to get ready in a hurry.

WV: Another run in. Great.

RK: And Rondell makes the play in left look difficult and funny. We should watch that again but with Benny Hill music playing.

WV: What a depressing and utterly predictable turn of events.

RK: Jeter and Cano still oh-fer.

WV: All is not lost.

RK: Sea Serpents.

WV: Good to see the Twins rallying back from their 4-run deficit by quickly making consecutive outs.

RK: That wasn't quite the offensive output I was looking for out of the 3-4-5 hitters. Maybe in 2005, but not this year.

WV: Let's just hope Guerrier is ready.

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5TH INNING;

RK: anonymous: Agreed. shelley: I'm glad even the Gentiles are saying "Oy." Or maybe you're Jewish, too. In which case, Happy New Year.

WV: If it weren't for Silva, Guerrier would never get into games. I think Matty owes him a watch or something. Or a handbook on how to throw sinkers.

RK: Perhaps Guerrier is making like a Beastie Boys song and doing some SABOTAGE

WV: Matt Guerrier as "Cochese"

RK: Christ, death by a thousand singles here. And the Toronto lead is down to 6-3.

WV: The Royals are a veritable stack of Kraft pasteurized cheese tonight.

RK: 6-1. Why not.

WV: And the leadoff walk comes back to haunt.

RK: Like that first-weekend-back-at-school rerettable hookup.

WV: That doesn't happen in Grad School.

RK: ...Exactly.

WV: Well, only one run given up by Matt "I have the stupidest goatee of all time" Guerrier. Silva would have coughted up half a dozen.

WV: Guerrier must be feeling the celebration. Silva is just the pure embodiment of suck this year.

RK: It's like how NyQuil tastes like a color. NyQuil tastes like green. Silva pitches like suck.

WV: My stomach feels like Silva right about now. I doubt Gordito can't even tie his shoes. He probably had Johan teach him the loop around the tree trick before BP.

RK: Johan has left the stadium to go hang his nationally proud head in shame against the backdrop of a nice sunset over the Mississippi.

WV: If I were Plato...

RK: And you are.

WV: ... I'd say his block of wax has been contaminated by rosin bags and cheetos.

RK: And of course the 2 out steal makes the final out. A 2 out steal when you're down 5 runs in the 5th inning? Really? REEEEEEALLLLLLY????

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6TH INNING:

RK: Really, why did he run? What gives?

WV: Talent?

RK: Right. That's the point of departure.

WV: Well that was a nice ray of light, striking out Berroa.

RK: I'm gonna lay it all on the table - I like that album.

WV: I'm leaving that alone.

RK: Dick and Bert are talking about an accident in the booth, but they're not giving details. Did someone wet themselves?

WV: Oh Lord, Willie Eyre-in go bragh! is warming up in the pen.

RK: At least Derek Cano is 0-5.

WV: Finally, a 1-2-3. A little offense would be much appreciated. And Cano just hit a dinger, so that's that.

RK: Hm. Batgirl: We are also all verklempt over here.

WV: Damn Robinson Cano. Someone should spell his last name correctly and desert him on an island in the South Pacific.

RK: Whoa. Times outs! Did you all just see the Johan Fire Truck sighting? Did you see thd David Beckham jersey he was wearing? I have the exact same one! Johan and I are now BFFL.

WV: And then the pirantas go down on strikes.

RK: Yeah, but I'm still best friends with Santana.

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7TH INNING:

RK: I love Irish people. But I am not a fan of Willie Eyre-in go bragh!

WV: Well your love of Irish people stems from getting blind drunk at McSorley's.

RK: True. Not very baseball related. But you should see the bouncers! And you get double what you order. Really, best place in the Lower East Side.

WV: So I bet "In mop up duty against the Royals" isn't a phrase uttered too frequently.

RK: Yeah, that's just depressing.

WV: Mauer Pauer.

RK: Right on the mark.

WV: Willie McGuinness, Mauer can't throw out all the baserunners to whom you give up singles.

RK: Whew, Hunter. Thank you.

WV: Hunter is all about Irish Liberation.

RK: Yep, Torii "Sinn Fein" Hunter, patrolling center.

RK: nate p: We agree. Willie Eyre is the new Aaron Fultz.

WV: Joe, way to protect your birthright.

RK: Does he have a scar somewhere on his body? Ladies, care to find out for us?

WV: And is this a rally I see before me?

RK: The enthusiasm: curb it.

WV: That was close to going out for the American League MVP.

RK: Sinn Fein strikes out and falls down. Yikes.

WV: And it comes down to White. Maybe Sinn Fein's got some Shin Pain.

RK: Wow, that made me groan audibly. That does not make me feel good about the state of the universe.

WV: Come on Rondell, genuflect or curtsy or do whatever the hell you do and get a hit.

RK: Smite the heathens!

WV: Mauer must've been flirting with a Miss USA candidate in the bleachers and missed that one.

RK: That, or Ullger told him not to go. Equally likely.

WV: Rondell, that bat is full of justice and good-naturedness that makes everyone love you.

RK: Still, must. not. get. excited.

WV: Rondell, like Sarah Silverman, knows that Jesus is magic. And by Jesus I mean field turf.

RK: A Phil Nevin sighting!

WV: Make like Baltimore and do something!

RK: Or weakly ground out.

WV: Shhh! You scared him!

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8TH INNING:

RK: Man, even when Punto screws up in the field, he makes the play.

WV: Hm, Hunter's out.

RK: Punto = Rawling's Gold Glove.

WV: Eat it, Joe Crede.

RK: Rocket Bats must convinced the pen tonight that there's no such thing as a 1-2-3 inning.

WV: Berroa obviously doesn't know how to play nice. Must work for the Brits.

RK: That's why Hunter really left. He went to go put a pipe bomb in Berroa's car.

WV: Castillo, Casilla, the difference is one of those two makes that play.

RK: So long, Willie O'Shaughnessy. Keep fighting.

WV: Anonymous: Please reference "About Me" Near or Abouts the top of this thing.

RK: It's how northlanders do.

WV: Finally, something Casilla can handle.

RK: Thank you mlb.tv for not letting me see the Pear King make an out in the first 3 seconds of the inning.

WV: Punto, you just made me sad.

RK: The LFE can make something happen through the sheer will of his heart.

WV: Mauer is at .350, and the Antichrist from Kalamazoo and his minion are both out of the game. .340 and .343 respectively.

RK: The deep fly had me on the edge of my seat, and then, like everything else in the world, the inning ends in tears.

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9TH INNING:

WV: Hey Casilla made a play.

RK: In Joe Mays's old number.

WV: You know, I liked Joe Mays. Damn shame that ulnar collateral ligament of his.

RK: Double plays are a beautiful thing. I have a tear.

WV: Who's Joe Nelson?

RK: A guy itching to blow a save.

WV: And Dimples does his part.

RK: That's what we needed.

WV: Hey, an error or a hit, we'll take a basrunner any way we can take it. That was like a nose tackle trying to intercept a pass.

RK: And the third Jason!

WV: I have a feeling we'll soon see why Kubel hasn't been playing.

RK: Very prescient. One more out. Let's see what the other part of the Triune Jasonhead can do.

WV: Or Mike Redmond. Everybody's getting a chance!

RK: Let's hope for good things.

WV: Or a called stirke 3 on a check swing.

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POSTGAME:

RK: The weak checkswing to end the game is... unsatisfying.

WV: It is.

RK: At this point, can we say the race for the division is over?

WV: Tonight, Silva really pulled a Blyleven.

RK: I'll bet he said between innings: "I'm gonna have to do this fuckin' thing over again becuase I really FUcked this up"

WV: Silva earned his burial, and his removal from the postseason rotation.