Friday, September 15, 2006


Want To Make A Deal, Fausto Carmona?


I wanted to stay away from the "Faust" stuff, because it's almost too easy, but then when you look at Fausto Carmona's record, that deal just wasn't worth it, and was probably brokered by the Antichrist from Kalamazoo. And then I thought about last time I bought a suit in New York and the tailor was a 5'2 bald German guy named Faustus and he was very severe, non-talkative, and well, German. But that's apropos nothing. Remember people, this is RAGNAROK, so we can just sit back and enjoy what was going to happen anyway. Isn't that nice when you can just shed agency and go with the flow?


Uh, guys, this is Fausto Carmona. Numbers seem to indicate that he is "not good." Perhaps you should stop toying with him by going 1-2-3.

Last nine starts, Carmona: 0-9. Santana: 9-0. Yin and yang unite. I hope this doesn't result in the implosion of the universe Back To The Future style.

Once again, Cleveland announcers, deep fly balls should not be screamed and yelled about as if they're out of the park. It's just cruel to the fans. They hear you getting all excited and they get so excited sometimes they stop going to the bathroom - right in the middle! - and they run and see Rondell catch a ball on the warning track? That can lead to a urinary tract infection, I hear.

It just happened again. Fly ball to center, but the way the announcers yelled about it, you'd think it was a towering "Morneau in Kauffman Stadium" style homerun.

Wha-what? Santana does not give up earned runs. Especially two earned runs. Oh my. This is... I really don't have the words to tell you, my friends. But I think you gone done pissed off Cy Young, and he's going to have to strike out 24 in this game.

And he's off to just such a start.


So I live in Virginia (Apparently a commonwealth, and not a state, but whatever - unless the official name of the country is the United States and one Commonwealth of America, I don't want to hear about it, Virginians. Cuddy understands this and that's why you'll never see him bring it up in an inverview. But I digress) and we get Oriole games. And so I was excited that tonight I could have the O's and Tigers on so I could hear Buck Martinez say, in a way only he can, "Well... the Tigers are a pretty good team." And then at some point he'll talk about sometimes it was really cold when he'd catch games. But this is one of those "not on TV at all" games, and it makes me have anger salad. That better not happen when the Twins play them.

After a quick Cuddy out, Morneau walks. Does Hunter have more trade value in him? FC does not count as trade value.

DET leads 1-0.

Hm, I'd like to say that the fact that the Twins are hitting the ball hard is a good sign, but PENNANT RACE.

I wonder what Santana's got on his mind, because he seems a little distracted from the stated goal of world, er, baseball domination.

Another run? People, this is... I think I saw this on an episode of the Twilight Zone once. Dark tidings, deep and foreboding. Perhaps Faust did strike some sort of bargain with Satan.


Further proof that we are in weird times: "Tyner: DH" Good job working the walk, Jasonthing 1

Let's see if Jasonthing 2 can put something together.

Here's why I think Kubel's out, speaking of Jasons. He's slowly turning into The Thing. His head is growing, calcifying, and his facial features are stretching out. It's sad, really.

One Jason sacrificed so that another Jason may advance. To second. And not really a sac, either.

Punto gives me a good feeling like he'll have an RBI here. But sometimes Punto and my body lie to me. Lying liars.

Second K, Johan? Let's pick up the pace. When they were talking about you on Baseball Tonight, some meathead (not Kruk) said you were a hot-blooded Latino and that's why you were doing so well. The look on Buster Olney's face afterward ("Dude, I cannot believe you just pulled a Schwarzenegger") was priceless.

Another K. There you go.

OK guys, now go score some runs! Please? I'll sell my soul. It might not get much at market, but I'd be willing.


G'deye, Joe. Now let's see if Dimples can do something with this. Haha! Cuddy with an infield single. Blue was about to punch him out... "Ou---safe!" And on the replay, Cuddy was out like a fat kid in dodgeball.

Y'know what I like about Morneau and his boom stick? (someone should make a pic of Ash from "Evil Dead" and "Army of Darkness" with Justin Credible's head) He hits it RIGHT AT PEOPLE, and he gets an RBI hit, because he hits it so hard he knocks their hands off. And then they have to get chainsaws and fight zombies in the pit.

Torii showing patience at the plate? How zen!

Rondell, my least favorite play is the bases loaded, no out, double play RBI. You wouldn't think so, but the loss of potential is what kills me.

WV: I hope Santana's trip to Athens from Mt. Olympus doesn't last long.

RK: I'm telling you, Jeter has something to do with this.

WV: Right, he kidnapped Cytana, replaced him with Randy Johnson in Venezuelan makeup ("Venezuelan makeup" being the permagrimace. Where even when the Venezuelan is smiling, they look to be in pain. See Santana and Rivas).

Oh Nicky Punto, you dropped the ball! Could have gunned the lead runner down, but y'know what? I just hope you're OK.

But Nick, you redeemed yourself going to home to get the lead runner down! Al Newman would be proud.

Santana looks so.... human. The offense needs to pick it up for JoJo. Surely two runs against Fausto Carmona cannot be hard to come by.


E4. The rally starts with an E4.

Detroit up 5-rip.

Jasonthing 2! Honorary Rickey Henderson award for running all over the basepaths.

I've never understood when pitchers step off and hold the baseball in their hand. It doesn't accomplish anything, and it just looks like "Look what I found, Mom!"

Oh Joe, striking out... the Antichrist from Kalamazoo now currently has your rightful title. Even the steal by Punto has a sour taste now.

Stranding runners at second and third? Cuddy Ruxpin, this is a PENNANT RACE. Deroit's up 9-0 on the hapless O's. This game must be won! Git on yer horse!

Santana's a battler, and what I like about the Man Who Hath A Mortal Lock On The Cy Young Award is that even when he doesn't have his best stuff, he's a battler. Most pitchers, becoming unhinged means double digit runs. Santana doesn't have his stuff, and he's only given up four ER. Must have faith.


2 quick outs. My faith is waning. Where's my best of George Michael disco compacto?

And Jason Davis makes quick work of the team with the second highest batting average in the bigs. Sigh.

On the plus side, Baltimore is scratching and has made the score in Motown 9-2.

Wow. Perhaps my ears deceive me, but I could have sword I just heard a Cleveland announcer refer to the team as the "Injuns"

Goddammit guys, stop screaming like pop flies are being hit into Lake Erie. You're making me nervous.

Alright, another 1-2-3. Now go get him a win. The man's only lost twice after the All-Star break since '04. Go pick your man up.


Jasonthing 1 does a good job getting on base. But the Jasonthings, as we all know empirically, work better in tandem.

Tigers up 10-2. Do you suppose Tejada has started drinking yet? I mean, not on the field, but y'know.

Oh damn, Jasonthing 2 had to fly out. Otherwise, we all could have had a laugh thinking about them on the basepaths with their blue hair, with Castillo at the plate, who (let's admit) has a certain feline-esque aura about him. And before I torture this metaphor anymore, I'm going to leave it alone.

Guys, if you only rally during one inning, make it this one. Get Santana a win. Detroit up a million to two.

No no no Punto! Mr. Mauer, it's up to you.

OK, I officially give up.

Santana, tell me you gave up that walk on purpose just so you could erase it with a double play just to show that you could. Yeah, you don't have to say anything. Just wink. You devil.

Oh Twins, I wish I could quit you. Here I am again, hoping and wishing that you can get Cy Young a win.


I want to get excited about the leadoff hit. And yet I can't. I know how this ends. Runners on first and second, nobody out, and then no runs will score.

Chainsawhand (nee Inglund), I will begrudgingly admit that was a hell of a play. Hm, I'm muddying this metaphor too. Never mind.

Rondell fouls a lot of pitches off and then genuflects to the mound. I love this game.

The genuflection results in a hit! Curb your enthusiasm, Robert. The team is about 2-132 w/RISP

And Tyner makes the final out. This is soul-crushing.

Once again, Nick Punto, gold glove at 3B.

Jesus, Santana is good. It would be a shame if he were to pitch pretty well and lose the game, right boys? RIGHT BOYS?


Detroit up 17-2

Leadoff hit! Wash, rinse, repeat.

2 on, 2 out. I refuse to get worked up about this. Je refuse!

Bases chucked... excitement rising....

Joe, listen to me. Reclaim what rightfully belongs to you. Hit the shit out of the baseball.

One out, one run, runners still on second and third.... Joe, I can take that.

Dimples, win this game.


Make them pay, Ash. Use your boomstick on these primitive screwheads.

And that's a tie game, Justin Credible. You get a pizza. Now let's win the game, Torii. I didn't mean extra innings, but if that's how you want to do it.

Santana is at least off the hook.

Hey hey Neshek, Mr. Big League Pitcher Man 3 straight strikes and you're confusing the poor Clevelandiers. 7 straight strikes. I dig it. Followed by a walk, however, I don't dig.

Hey, Neshek, thanks! We get to see some free baseball!


All I have to say is that a better throw to first may have yielded better results.


Ouch. Maybe more later. But ouch.

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