Pulling A Blyleven

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PREGAME:

Oh crap, here I thought I'd be able to skip the game because they all would and I had a political science department meeting with an open bar, but no, that's not how we do it in Minnesota. So sorry I forgot. Now let's watch Santana be incredible. Should be fun!

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1ST INNING:

Starts off with a base hit? Don't do this to me, Johan.

Couple quick outs and that's more like it.

Did I mention open bar?

Half in the bag = what Robert's in.

2 quick outs? Pick it up, boys, this is the Royals you're playing. You're playing for the division!

See Joe Mauer that's what I-- oh, that's Redmond? Well that's pretty cool too. What do you know, still batting 3rd. I'm going to go ahead and blame this on Scott Ulger, Gardenhire must owe him a favor.

And Cuddy, I know it's kind of a nice problem to have, being stuck at 101 RBI, but come on now, you can break that barrier.

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2ND INNING:

Good to see Santana striking some people out, but I don't even really like to see the singles. It's tough to say much when Santana's pitching, except to say "Yeah, he's pretty much pretty awesome." Clearly, the Venezuelan incarnation of Ragnarok.

I go to make a pizza, and suddenly it's over? OK, I wasn't expecting a left-handers duel here. Time to get down to brass tacks.

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3RD INNING:

Johan, you know I don't doubt you, you know I never would, but um, these base hits you're handing out like candy? They make-a me nervous. I know you've had a long season, the weight of the world on your shoulders, carrying this team to where they are now. And you'll be getting your rest for the postseason, but it would be so much nicer for me, and if I may say, the fair people who read this, that you should just sit these baseball players down. If that's what those who play at Kaufman are still called.

And a K. Thank you, Johan.

And word that Radke is going on Thursday? This man is invincible. If my shoulder was broken I'd still be at the open bar. And most likely, I'd break the other one on the way home.

Royals ahead 2-0? I know I shouldn't panic, I know we're going into the postseason, and where's my tums? My stomach feels like Carlos Silva.

Ha, I think that should be incorporated into peoples' lexicons. "Dude, I drank too much. My stomach feels like Silva"

Hey hey Blue! Quit squeezing my boy! He knows Hugo Chavez! S'all I'm sayin'.

I'm not sure I've ever heard Dick Bremer more surprised than when he said, "And Ford wallops one, and gone!" I feel proud of the Lew Ford Experiment.

I just saw Jason Kubel in the dugout! Hmmm... what are you about, Mr. Kubel?

Whew, I'm glad Punto knew he had a hit. He was going to go Kamikaze headfirst-style into first otherwise, and we don't need a silly (see: Denny Hocking after 2002 ALDS) injury now.

I keep looking at this score in disbelief. Make it stop, guys.

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4TH INNING:

Punto makes fielding third look like such a breeze. But it's all lies! It's a difficult position! Punto tells the noble lie though, not unlike in the Republic.

Nice rebound, Santana. Strong 1-2-3. You know what needs to be done for Ragnarok.

[Robert got a phone call from his mom. He stops blogging for very few things, and one of them is a phone call from his mother]

WV: Honestly guys, you don't know Robert's mother.
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5TH INNING:

You can't bunt on Santana! And this is where I like to see him. 1-2-3

Tack on some runs, guys.

[more stuff happens]

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7TH INNING:

Sorry guys! Apparently, the whole famn damily is trying to get a hold of me. Only my family could take me away from you lovely people. And it being tied 2 and 2, I'm kinda glad I'm not actually watching this thing.

I suppose this is postseason berth hangover, huh? Yeah, but it was pretty awesome last night, huh?

Anyway, after some offensive futility and a.. bunt single by Mike Redmond (QTF?), Cuddy is again befuddled by anything other than a fastball.

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8TH INNING:

Johan is stil out there because he wants, and he deserves, a win. The offense had best pick him up. I'm looking in your direction, Morneau and Hunter.

Little Nicky Punto, if you don't win a Gold Glove, I will send you a solid gold glove.

Take the hits where you can get 'em, Mr. MVP.

WV: Let's get Cytana a win.

RK: He needs it. I don't like him being tied with Wang.

WV: Some small ball is in order.

RK: Or a Passed Ball.

WV: Wow, Morneau cannot run.

RK: He needs to lose the "I'm a piranta" mentality.

WV: And somebody fire Scott Ullger. Santana has pitched fine, but allowing 2 runs to the Royals is like Nebraska blowing out Sam Houston St. by only 20

RK: Yeah, you'd hope for better.

WV: LRod, proving he's superior to ARod, comes through in the clutch. That's right, I called you out Mr. April.

RK: And Cytana's in line for a win.

WV: It's nice that this whole go ahead run thing didn't come down to the Lew Ford Experiment coming through in the clutch.

RK: That's a Baltimore Chop, my friend.

WV: I like your style. Especially when fueled by free martinis.

RK: And it's a save situation for real for Mr. Nathan.

WV: It's go-time, bitches.

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9TH INNING

RK: oh my oh my oh my.

WV: I guess Joe would rather play catch with Torii Hunter than save the game. At least twitch n' pitch can still throw it to first.

RK: Is the ibb a good idea here?

WV: I think it is. But then again, it's this guy's 3rd career at bat. He ought to be mincemeat.
RK: He's thrown about 2 strikes in 18 pitches

WV: So..this is what the folks at NASA would call a quagmire.

RK: I think a strike out isn't unreasonable here.

WV: K

RK: Let's hope that Nathan fucks with the Dejesus here.

WV: If Joe can get out of this they ought to bring in some more champagne to celebrate.

WV: Oh wait, it's the Royals.

RK: Get the K, Joe. Think of all the times Santana has given you days off this season.

WV: dig deep.

RK: John Gordon is showing an excitement that belies his even-keel demeanor and advanced age.

WV: Boof there it is.

RK: JOE NATHAN: FUCK YEAH

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POSTGAME

WV: Santana could've taken this one off.

RK: But no, he wanted that damn win.

WV: And goddamit he got it.

RK: So for today, we're all JoJo's Niños.