Sunday, February 25, 2007


Jumping The Gun

Grandpa Bill, sheepish after his bourbon-induced rant last night, has decided to take a lighter approach and look at a few of the intriguing match-ups for the Twins coming up in April. Because like most men out there, I'd prefer to skip this foreplay we call Spring Training and dive right into the real thing.

2nd-4th: Baltimore Orioles

WHY TO WATCH: Besides being the home opener, we can all marvel at the scowl on Miguel Tejada's face as he intensely tries to remember when he was last American League MVP (2002). He then wonders to himself if his recent lack of notoriety has anything to do with the docile, orange bird on his cap.

WHY NOT TO WATCH: The 2nd and 3rd games may provide a poignant snapshot of the steep decline in starting pitching after Johan. I'm pretty sure that Ponson will run out of gas half way to the mound before even throwing warm-up pitches prior to the game. We can hope, though, that what's really inside his gut is Flubber, a green rubber-like form of energy that forces people to wonder how Robin Williams keeps getting work.

X-FACTOR: Definitely Anna Benson. If Kris, with all of his newly found free time on the bench this season, decides to have an affair, the entire Baltimore organization may have their minds elsewhere , boosting the Twins to an easy sweep in their opening series.

6th-8th: Chicago White Sox

WHY TO WATCH: Ozzie Guillen, after watching Rondell "Knees" White and Michael Cuddyer turn routine fly balls into doubles, affectionately begins to refer to the Twins' outfield as the Sturgeon.

WHY NOT TO WATCH: Juan Uribe, when asked how he can be cleared of assault charges in the Dominican Republic but not have to answer to his .252 OBP last season, feverishly begins searching his locker for a pellet gun.

X-FACTOR: Bench Clearing Brawls. If A.J. were to be "mysteriously" pegged with a fastball in the rear end, the White Sox might come out on top in a knock down drag 'em out brawl. Bobby Jenks was recently quoted as saying: ""Looking at this staff, there's no one under 6-3. So if any fights break out, I think we'll be all right." Let's just hope that Neshek can underhand punch like he can underhand pitch--There'd be the added bonus that we'd avoid these goons from ever spawning.

9th-11th: New York Yankees

WHY TO WATCH: The Twins call-up Scott Baker, who has by then started AAA with a 5.64 ERA, to pitch all 3 games and he brilliantly throws 3 consecutive shutouts. The Twins thereafter abruptly trick Wayne Krivisky and the Reds into giving us a couple of top-notch prospects in return for Baker's services.

WHY NOT TO WATCH: A-Rod, whose new buddy system is constructed around Barney the Purple Dinosaur and Douggy Baseball (?!?) , avoids making several costly errors as Mientkiewicz repeatedly bails him out at first. Alternatively, look for A-Rod to altogether skip throwing to first and instead nail Jeter in the buttocks while he's not looking.

X-FACTOR: Carl Pavano. After being struck on the foot in Spring Training, who knows if he'll even still be alive by April. If not, look for the Boss' son-in-law and owner-in-waiting Stevey Swindal to be the X-Factor. Why? This idiot--arrested for a DUI after CUTTING OFF A SQUAD CAR--must be behind their brainless personnel moves. Without Pavano, we can expect a start from Scott Erickson or that kid from Rookie of the Year.

Not coincidentally, I have reason to believe that Mr. Swindal is actually Joe Pesci in disguise.

More previews in the coming days. Til then, keep your sticks on the ice.


Hey, there's nothing wrong with a bourbon-induced rant, unless you're Sidney Ponson.
Very nice analogy of the starting series.

It's gonna be sweeeeet(!).
Ah yes, Pavano, A-Rod/Jeter, and Swindal, the Crown Prince that I'm sure Steinbrenner wants to trade in for another heir.

I am so enthralled by the return of the Bronx Zoo. All we need is Sweet Lou to leave his job with the Cubs and return to the Yankees for maximum drama and hilarity.

And Bobby Jenks is nothing more than a schoolyard bully. And just like a bully, he's a coward at heart and could be whupped by just about anyone on our roster. At least that's what I'm stubbornly sticking to.
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