Pulling A Blyleven

*Special thanks to friend of P.A.B. HS for assisting with tonight's punning, notably the Ryan Garko fiasco.
*Also, check out our ever evolving Working Glossary as we've updated some of the names from last season


PREGAME
WV: Last night we were kissed by a rose, tonight I hope we're not drinking vodka Sowers

RK: I'm more of a Silva Wolf Vodka kinda guy myself

WV: Good to hear Bert again

RK: I feel so awake

WV: Hopefully the Twins do too

RK: I sense a cocktail-themed post tonight. God help us

WV: After Batman Forever last game, the only people who will be reading our blog come tomorrow will be our mothers.

RK: My mom thinks we're "cute."

WV: You know my mother always preferred you to me right

WV: Uhh..and not in a Mrs. Robinson sort of way

WV: Well this got weird.

RK: Let's just wait for the first pitch while I give my psyche a bath

1ST INNING

WV: Silva isn't a major league pitcher, but he did stay at a holiday inn express last night

RK: He's looking sort of sharp already, but Sizemore's a tough out

WV: Casilla, take note: TRUST US

RK: Remember when we had Casey Blake?

WV: I also remember when we had Pat Mears. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

RK: Whoa, who is Silva channeling here?

WV: His 2005 self.

RK: Let's see if he can strike out North Dakota's second favorite son

WV: Who is the first?

RK: Did you know the North Dakota legislature just passed a ban on robotic chip implantation in humans?

RK: Darin "Dog Bit My Upper Lip Off" Erstad

WV: We'll see what they do about the impending organ harvest.

WV: Ha! Well, robotic chip implantation is a serious issue right. Meanwhile, Devil Lake residents swim to their garages

RK: Garrison Water Diversion!

WV: Too bad they passed that law after Hafner was born

RK: He owns Silva like I own Double Dragon

RK: : I'd like to see Silva develop a gyroball, but I'm not sure you're allowed to bring out lamb-meat and cucumber sauce to the mound. *ba-dum ching!*

WV: Donnie Garko is about to go back in time on deck

RK: All the old nicknames are coming out.

WV: And so are the Twins hitters.

---------

WV: Sandcastles are easy to build, tough to maintain

RK: The tide ebbs, and the tide flows

RK: Then there's the neap tide, which is actually the robots being restless

WV: Well, that's a dinger in college ball, Li'l Nicky

RK: Honestly, is it just me or is everyone we face a lefty?

WV: Good point

WV: That's the barrel roll approach to base running

RK: You gotta Stop, Drop, and Roll when breaking up the DP

WV: Huh, Twins are last in the league with 9 HR

RK: Shocker there.

WV: 2 on opening day

RK:I couldn't tell if Cuddy was swinging there or trying to open a jar of Smuckers strawberry preserves

2ND INNING GAME TIED AT 0

RK: Silva's thrown what, 200 pitches?

WV: The team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays near Lake Erie is being patient at the plate tonight

RK: Jhonny Peralta Uhp Tho The Phlate

WV: Ahnd Hhe Shtrikes Ohut

RK: Remember when Bert said gesundheit after Bremer said Choo's last name last season?

WV: Ha, I do!

RK: Jack Morris is mutating into Robert Frost

WV: Crossbred with a yeti.

---------------

RK: April Sowers bring Hunter singles that get stretched into doubles

WV: Nhice Thry Jhonny

RK: We're so awesome.

WV: The Twins clutch hitting is not

RK: Like Paula Cole and her cowboys, where have all the 2-out rallies gone?

3RD INNING, GAME TIED AT 0

RK: Remember how Silva used to never walk anyone?

WV: That was great

RK: It doesn't seem like his sinker has been sinking this evening.

WV: If he gives up 8 runs, you heard it here first. But that's like predicting rain in Seattle.

RK: Good play by the Pear King; Gordito's gotta be impressed

RK: slash relieved

RK: So that shift's working pretty well

WV: Too bad the fieldturf isn't a giant slip-'n-slide

RK: But it... could be... a boy can dream

-----------------

WV: The error committing component of the tri-partite Jasoncreature strokes a double

RK: We just have a high standard; Twins are in first place in fielding percentage

WV: He's the ugly girl next door.

RK: Hm, don't know what I think about giving the fans souvenirs on bunt fouls

WV: Usually indicative of a less-than-perfect bunt

RK: Now that's just dumb luck.

WV: We've stranded runners at 2nd every which way possible this season.

RK: I mean really, you can't blame anyone for that

WV: Not even the baseball Gods

RK: Whiskey Sowers not too smooth going down

WV: Well, we reap what we Sowers.

4TH INNING, GAME TIED

WV: I agree with Uncontrollable Id, Bartlett has been at the epicenter of some unusual, unfortunate plays lately

RK: 71 pitches already for Gordito, pretty soon he'll work himself down to being called Flaco

WV: Reaching on a strikeout that goes to the backstop - reminds me of that game in 2002 v the Orioles and I have way too much baseball memory

RK: Big League Choo out on that ground out

WV: I know how Bert didn't quite wait til commercial break to say, "Why did he have the green light?"

RK: Oh we're live?

------------

RK: Good try Barfield. Perhaps Cirque Du Soleil has an opening

WV: Perhaps some good Barfielding

RK: Best barfielding I've ever seen is pre-clinically insane Tom Cruise in "Cocktail"

WV: FULL CIRCLE

RK: Oh for the love of...

RK: Nick, I've never actually legitimately cleared Double Dragon. I'm pretty sure it's impossible and you're a huge liar

WV: Maybe Donny Garko can take us back to a time when we scored runs

RK: We seem to have a cold and are currently unable to smell the RsBI

5TH INNING

RK: 80+ pitches through 4 innings. Remember when he threw a 78-pitch complete game?

WV: Everyone on the opposing team on that day should've been fired

RK: Cuddy's new strategy: Bobble the ball and hope they break for home

RK: Joe, that might be the funniest thing I've ever read

WV: Dear Twins: Much more fun to blog when you're winning. Please adjust your baseball policies accordingly

RK: Matt Guerrier gets up in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

WV: Or Glen Perkins.

RK: Or some guy named Earl

RK: My head asplode

WV: In all fairness, before the season we would've taken 5 innings and 3 runs from silva

RK: No question

WV: True, but I've noticeably aged since the beginning of that inning

--------

RK: Twins + Left Handed Pitching = Big Bowl of Ass

WV: Whay Tho Gho Jhonny

RK: I remember having this discussion back when baked Zito was good

WV: We've scored once in the last 14 innings. Nice.

RK: Industrious and quick - how I like my assembly lines, not my Twins half-inning

6TH INNING, THEM 3 US 0

RK: I like seeing good defense like that. Joe is redeemed

WV: Only Joe can get a basehit on that pitch with that swing

RK: We'll start being witty when the Twins justify it.

RK: *headdesk*

7TH INNING, TEAM WITH RACIALLY INSENSITIVE NICKNAME THAT PLAYS NEAR LAKE ERIE: 3, TEAM WITH BASEBALL INSENSTIVE APPROACH TO HITTING THAT PLAYS NEAR LAKE MINNETONKA, 0

WV: Ooh, Hafner all bit and strong can't get the weight off of his bat. Pussy

RK: *big

WV: It takes North Dakotans a while to get things

RK: Let's see if it makes him timid and ashamed at the plate

WV: A few more run ins with the batting weight and he'll be back in Rugby working at the grain elevator.

RK: But that's where all the action is - it's the geographical center of North America

WV: OK, now get out there and prove the old adage that good fielding breeds good hitting!

--------------------

WV: Not the best game of Morneau's life.

RK: Mama said there'd be days like this; there'd be days like this my mama said

WV: Amazing, when you don't swing Sowers throws balls.

RK: Hunter scores requisite one run of game

WV: I don't know why they put up "Home Run - Hunter" when his name is Sinn Fein

HB (friend of Bill's watching game): "Kubel Khan" by Coleridge: "In Xanadu did Kubel Khan/ A stately Metrodome decree"

WV: Believe it.

RK: That's awesome

WV: I hold my breath for piranta action

RK: Nothing like a Metrodome double

WV: The sandcastle is strong tonight!

RK: That ball must've been wearing Air Jordans

WV: Or had the pump with that stupid device for auto pumping

8TH INNING, GAME TIED AT 3

WV: So if you remember, Rincon means "corner" in Spanish

WV: So we can work with this

RK: A few more hits like that, and you'll need a time out in the Rincon

WV: Maybe there'll be runners on the Rincones

RK: Juan "don't back us into a" Rincon

WV: Daniel, nobody can beat that game. Some sadistic bastard made it, I'm sure

RK: I took pleasure in watching Michaels sprint to 3rd even though the inning was over.


--------------

RK: I'm glad we're having 80s NES nostalgia

RK: But the baseball game is interesting now, so I'll try to focus on that and not that Bionic Commando is impossible

WV: Sides like this are why it's sometimes best not to publish every half inning.

9TH INNING, GAME TIED AT 3

WV: Bert has been quiet tonight

RK: You wonder if Dick has his hand over Bert's mouth

RK: QTF

WV: Backed into a Rincon, we order a dennys sampler plate

RK: The numbers on Reyes doesn't look promising

WV: Apparently Martinez is 1 for 11 against him, so we'll see.

RK: Uh, urf

WV: Everybody in the bullpen gets a turn this inning

RK: So, video games huh?

WV: How about Battletoads on the Game Boy?

RK: Never really played it

RK: Alright Death Metal, you need to play your frets like Buckethead

RK: Donnie Garko needs to have a metaphorical plane engine crash on top of him

WV: Loooong strike

RK: Damn, son

RK: Bert knows a thing or two about long strikes

WV: Is it sad that the call of the night is the pitcher throwing a strike?

RK: I AM HEADBANGING SO HARD

WV: It indeed is, but I'm happy it came true.

-------------

For lack of a better thing to write, some variations of Donnie Garko:

If he discovered China, he'd be Garko Polo.

If he were a buxom blonde, Terri Garrko.

If he had a sleeping disorder, Garkoleptic

If he played for the Magic, Garko Milicic.

If he dealt drugs, a Garkotraficante

If he were a drug enforcement officer, he'd be a Garc.

If he were in the Wizard of Oz, Judy Garkland

If he had been on a Nickelodeon ghost show, it'd be, "Are You Afraid of the Gark?"

If he were singing Christmas carols, he'd go "Gark the herald Angels sing"

If he drank whiskey, it'd be Cutty Gark

If he was mistaken, he'd be garking up the run tree.

10TH, GAME TIED

More Donnie Garko:

If he had two of every animal with him, it'd be Noah's Gark

If he started batteries, he'd be a Gark plug

If he were a Spanish rainbow, he'd be a Garco iris

If he were a French landmark, the Garc de triomphe

If he were found in Pharaoh's tomb, he'd be a garkophagus

------------

RK: After hours blogging is a real treat huh

WV: Oh it's great

11TH INNING

RK: Well, The Crainadian's getting it done

WV: Yeah, you can't say the bullpen hasn't done its job tonight.

RK: True enough. My call is that Joe will end it in the next inning

WV: Nice to avoid getting to Hafner there.

RK: If he were a Monopoly property, he'd be Gark Place

WV: If here were a leftwing Colombian paramilitary organization, he'd be the Garc

RK: If he had his own week on Discovery Channel, it'd be Gark Week

----------------

WV: If he were the company that makes Monopoly, he'd be Garker Brothers

RK: If he were a baseball columnist for espn.com he'd be Jayson Gark

WV: If you want to write something for posterity, you'd use a permanent garker

RK: If he were an apostle, he'd have written the Gospel of Gark

WV: If he were a continent, he'd be Antgarktica

RK: Anyways, Mauer's on first

WV: Hopefully they can get it done here.

RK: That'd be super

WV: If his capital were Little Rock, he'd be Garkansas

RK: Stacey wins: "If he were Mike Redmond, he'd be Gark naked"

12TH INNING

WV: If he were mercifully trying to end this thing, he'd be Garko

RK: If he were up to bat, he'd be STRIKE THE HELL OUT

WV: LOVE IS OVER

WV: We might have caused that by making fun of his name so much.

RK: Or by playing the infield in

RK: Well.

WV: If he were Jhonny Peralta's brother, he'd be Rhyan Garko

RK: Remember back in 2001 when we just couldn't beat the Indians for the life of us? Awesome

WV: This post is longer than Middlemarch

RK: It's approaching The Arcades Project

WV: Kinetico is advising me to love my water. well i love my water a lot more than my twins right now

RK: That small child is hoarding it

RK: Nice play by Punto. Again, Gnah

----------------

POSTGAME, INDIANS 7 TWINS 3

RK: Did Bert just say "Good ball game, really"?

WV: Sigh.