Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Almost Out of the Wilderness


I hope your Passover is going well, and I for one, am looking forward to the Orioles getting the hell out of Minnesota so I can finally start watching the games. It's just been too long since I've heard Bert being Bert. But Gordon just called Ortiz "Ray-moan" so I'm already feeling kinda good about things.


I'm just sort of afraid to listen. William was right. I have utmost faith in JoJo and more or less in Bonser and Herzegovina, but the rest remains to be seen. But 2 up, 2 down.

When I get nervous, I pace. Pacing and liveblogging don't work well. Ordinarily, I'd be striding back and forth in the living room, yelling and stuff. Everything else, I'm fine. I'm not a competitive person (but if you cheat, I will cut you), but when it comes to watching these boys, I want to see winning.

Raymoan has thrown approximately 80 pitches in the first inning, and now has his first walk. Don't act so surprised everybody.

Hahaha, John Gordon's giving stats from this season. Tejada's hitting .429? Wowie!

But seriously, Raymoan has thrown 20 pitches this inning. Maybe more. And lots of pop flies. Pray for offense.


Y'know, I used to watch Jared Wright last year a bit because I lived in New Jersey and it was fun to watch him underperform, like every other pitcher on that staff. Oh, good times. Except Wang. He was good. Stole Silva's mojo he did.

Uh, le sigh, sometimes the audio feed just kicks out and then you have to reload it, but then you come back and we see some Mauer Pauer with 2nd and 3rd and 1 away and pizza for everybody!

Just kidding about the pizza.

Cuddy, you gotta focus, you gotta want it, you gotta envision it. Have you read The Secret? (Just so you know, I don't believe in that)

But all the same, Cuddy drive a run in. Again, DIMPLING SO HARD.

When we have time, dear readers, I'd like to share with you a feat of strength performed by yours truly.

I wish I could see the look on Morneau's face when he fouls off the 3-1. He looks so sad. It's OK, Justinian. We all strike out sometimes. Like me, in a social situation and lady-types. Over and over, forever and ever, amen.

Let's see if Sinn Fein packed the dy-na-mite tonight. Is there an intrepid reader who remembers exactly why we started calling Torii Hunter Sinn Fein? Honestly, I have no damn idea.


Here's my feat of strength. I play racquetball, because I'm 50 years old and your dad (not really. I'm only 24 and probably not related to you), and I hit a ball so hard today it SPLIT IN HALF when it made contact with the front wall. It got blowed up. And I had to call it a day, realizing that only a Raymoan win could make the day better. And I didn't have another ball.

Something going on in my head:

JOHN GORDON: Ray-moan Ortiz up to pitch again

DAZZLE: (to himself) I can say Ramon just fine and I have to shill for bock beer?


And a single. Here's where it's nice to have a groundballer. Erm, let me specify, why it's good to have a groundballer who gets the ball low.... hey, Raymoan listened to me! Awesomely, though, my audio is spotty, so I don't know if it was a 1-6-3 or 1-4-3 DP... Ah, Gordon says it was 1-6-3. I trust John Gordon with my life by the way.

Hey, y'know, I kinda like what I'm seeing here. I don't want to get my hopes up because life is one unmitigated disaster after another, but y'know. Sunshine, chin-up, lollipops, etc.


Whoa wow wowie, Gordon is critical of the umpiring! That's so... unusual! And two quick outs. I haven't even had time to consult my big book of jokes for something snarky to say.

Oh Pear King, work that count and get on base any way you can. It's what pirantas do. Wright's thrown about 40 pitches, I reckon. Not enough people reckon anymore. Now everybody feels things. I'd much prefer that students in my class say something like "I reckon..." than "I feel..." I don't care what you feel. Reckon! There's a day reserved for it.

Uh. 3rd out.


Uncontrollable Id, my badassness is rarely questioned, save for people who have seen me with their own two eyes.

Another pop out! I mean, I get it, but I remember Eric Milton. Flyball pitchers make me nervous.

Joe Nathan's wife Lisa is in labor. I certainly understand wanting to like, be around for the birth of one's second child, but is it wrong of me to hope he comes in like Jesus to the game? I assume that's how Jesus would do it.

See, I'm blasphemous and then the Other Ortiz gives up a hit. Sorry Jesus. Not Big Lebowski Jesus. Dude, 9-year olds.

Honestly, I'm feeling very eschatological right now. I apologized to Jesus and outs are recorded. Hey, here's an idea. With every pitch, yell, sorry Jesus! but don't really and lie about it and tell me you did. I like it when you lie to me. When Annie Lennox asks "Would I lie-ee-ie-ee-ie-ee-ie to you?" I respond, "I hope so, Annie. Get a haircut."

It's so hard to think about Torii making plays, because, he's not gonna do it all season. Internalize the reality.


Jared Wright walking people? It's like Baltimore is pre-screwballjewhating Mel Gibson in that film Conspiracy Theory. But instead of Catcher in the Rye, the Orioles have to acquire every pitcher who has control problems and isn't that great (Benson, for instance).

3-0 to Mauer. Honestly. Can I call him Grand Street Joe? Like Broadway Joe but kind of more Minnesota. Or is there a better street? I've never lived in the cities. I've driven in New York City more often than Minneapolis. It's easy to get to the dome from the interstate, so I have no idea what I'd be doing driving downtown.

Dimples is just having himself a night! I wish I could see him though; he always looks thrilled with things when he does something good.

Sister Jensen, you are correct. That would be badass. Nathan would further enshrine himself as a player I'll tell someone's children about someday.

Errgh! So close! Juuust hooked it. Well, thankfully, Wright is walking everybody. Seriously, I just got ball four and am now 90 feet away from my computer. I type with my mind.

Hey, the infield fly rule! Here's how my marriage proposal will go.

RK: Honey, explain the infield fly rule again?

LUCKY GIRL: [Cites rule word for word from rulebook]

RK: Will you marry me?

LG: I'll think about it.


LG: No.

No more Undell! But RonDL! Knocked Wright out of the game. Poor Wright. Wait, no. Not really.

I'd like to see something big from Rubik's Kubel tonight. Just so you know. By big I did not mean a called 3rd strike. Let's try another Jason.

Well hello Jason B. If only we had a Jason C.! Then it'd be like the Spice Girls except nothing like it!

Aaaand the Twins have yet another walk. Woooo for BBs!

Enjoy the singing, Uncontrollabe Id! Please (and this goes for all Christians) don't take my blasphemy to heart. I'm equally offensive to all groups. I'll get to you eventually.

Yay! Tejada error!


The year: 2002
The place: Metrodome
The scenario: ALDS
The outlook: bleak. Tejada had hit a laser over the left field wall and hope was fast dwindling in game 4.

Then Tejada threw the ball away on a throw to 3rd and the Twins blew up for about 19 runs. Oh, those innocent times. Ah, the inning is finally over.


Here's a confession: William and I did not have much faith in Ortiz coming into the game. But I'm cautiously encouraged by this performance. A 6-run lead probably makes things considerably easier though.

I mean, seriously, that was quick.


SJ, I'm glad somebody else experienced that. I thought for a second maybe I was in the third maneuver like that kid in Flight of the Navigator. Wow. I'm considering revising that comment. But I won't. My soul is bared.

I think Mauer got out. Yeah. Must have.

And Cuddly must be thinking perhaps the season started tonight so hence the output. I know he's from Virginia, but believe you me, it matters what part.

The double play: bane of my existence.


Oh RonDL, we can't be the hero every day.

Perhaps he could take notice of how Sinn Fein roams the outfield.

Gnah! It happened again! I'm thrilled/confused! Life is so fleeting! Ferris Bueller said something about that one time but I can't remember!


Whatever happened to Corey Koskie?

How many times do we see a great defensive play followed by great offense the very next inning? At least once, tonight, anyway.

And Kubel follows suit! That's how to learn from cagey veterans, my friend. I have a sneaking suspicion that Joseph P. Nathan is probably going to spend the night in the hospital with his wife and child.

Y'know, I love these kinds of games. Oh hell, I love all kinds of games. You know I'll be watching the condensed games off tomorrow because I'm like that. But I like blowouts (when my team's winning of course) because there's a certain amount of ease. Please, not to say that we can just rest and fuhgeddaboutit, but I'm not squeezing my stress ball either. We can all love a 7-0 game heading into the 6th. I'm surprised how fast this game is going considering Wright was up there walking everybody in creation; but Ortiz is pitching at the speed of sound on a train that's going the speed of light.


Well, those leadoff triples are bound to happen sometimes. Don't make me get my stress ball.

Uh, quick distraction: dear Mac users, download and use Quicksilver. Your life just got simpler by 9... units... of simpleness.

Oh dear. Stop it stop it stop it. Still cautiously optimistic. Stress ball in sight. No more doubles, triples, or any other kind of way to let them on base.

But good news for Joseph L. Nathan and family!

Hahaha, Dazzle is calling Punto Nicky. And hahaha, Nicky didn't realize how many outs there were. A run scores. Hahahaha. Ha. Ha. I love you, Nick Punto.

And finally out of it.


That's the spirit, Mauer! Help get those runs back!


Tyner is in. Tyner is the adhesive that holds the Rubiks Kubel and the Pear together.

He always seems to get on base. I hope he hits a homerun at some point.

The MVP is probably a little down on himself for his performance tonight. Let's give him some space.

Hey guys, remember the putting runs back on the board? Yep, still gotta cross home for those. Just in case you were unclear. No no, we're still cool. Come on, don't be like that. OH COME ON! You cannot uninvite someone to a birthday party. Oh, OK. I'm sorry I yelled.


A strikeout! John, you didn't tell me who's pitching! Oh, it's still Raymoan. I love it when you say that. You and Bert in a room would be fantastic.

Bartlett needs to find his spiritual center, and then his gravitational one AND WILL THE FEED PLEASE STOP CUTTING OUT!

It's still not back. Shall I just make up a game wholecloth? I suppose that's the logical conclusion of the very reason for this blog's existence.

So uh, you guys like... stuff?

OK, I'll listen to the away broadcast, but I will not be happy about it.

They're no Dazzle and Gordon though.

Oh don't sound so surprised that Tyner can play defense. It's how we do in Minnesota, my crabcake loving friends.


Oh stop apologizing for Melvin Mora, guys. It's an error. Weird hop, sure. On the turf? OooooOOOooo, well, never mind. I guess I see where you're coming from. Much respek.

It's so hard to listen to anybody other than D&G. Stupid F for the day.


Wow, I'm so sorry. I was kinda distracted by life there. Y'know, lost in the world. Apparently Morneau did a good job of preventing a second error by Bartlett. He should do yoga.

White makes a play, and Torii doesn't. That's some sort of universal balance, I suppose. In some way or another. Again, I'm not sure what happened. These announcers are terrible! They just do Harry Caray impressions and whatnot. Just quit!


Excuse me? "Joe Mauer is off to a sizzling start"? How about "Joe Mauer is off to a Joe Mauer start"?

Well, I suppose they're just going through the motions here, but I still wouldn't mind players trying to pad their stats a little bit. The Twins apparently haven't swept the O's in a series since nineteen hundred and ninety-seven.

Don't you hate to see years written out like that?

Chris Ray is actually a good pitcher. So a 1-2-3 inning isn't terribly surprising.


Here's something funny. For some reason, my feed will stop and start again, and I'll hear something that sounds familiar. Oh! I find out I missed two outs! I need to stop complaining. I don't even know who's pitching. I feel so alienated. Even more alienated from the game than from my labor. And Guerrier shuts the door.


Again, this is great! What's to say? Good starting pitching, great bullpen, offense that is patient, takes pitches, kills with either power or smallball (whichever they're feeling that night). I have nothing to criticize. I suppose I could mention to Bartlett that he still needs to make the throw, but whatever. I'd like to thank those of you who followed this even though I didn't have WV here, who usually second guesses (thankfully) some of the stranger things I say. You have a window into my mind while he's on vacation though!

How very badass of you, RK. I hope you're serious about Gordo, because I've been feeling lately like I'm one of the few people who likes John Gordon (and I get all hackles-up and snarly whenever someone rips on him.)
Supposedly..Nathan said he'd come back and close the game if needed...depending on the whole birthing that would be badass...
Speaking of Jesus, I have to go sing for Him now. One of my many jobs. Hold down the fort, everyone. Back in awhile.
I blinked and missed it....that's how quick it was
Maybe they should tell RonDL that the game is being aired on the ESPN and maybe he'd put forth a defensive effort......holy Rubik's Kubel! Well done!
Joe Nathan and his wife just had their baby girl! 8 lbs. 6 oz...her name is Rylie I believe..
Yay for writing comments and then clicking something and having everything you've written go away...

I'll sum it up. Our guys have been playing great this year. Great efforts, great jobs all around.
Also, I think Ramon Ortiz will find a good home here. You can already tell he's enjoying it and I think he fits in greatly!
Gordon drives me nuts. He seems distracted or just careless much of the time. "That hit scored Tyner from second...uh..third." "Castillo has seven infield hits this series ....uh...make that five." If he'd get it right the first time, he wouldn't have to constantly correct himself. And he's always spelling out the players' last names, even when the spelling is utterly standard. "Smithson spent last year in the Yankees organization. That's S-M-I-T-H-S-O-N." Thanks, John. Meanwhile, he's lost track of the count.

I'm sorry, but I think Gordo's kind of a hack.
Happy 56th b-day to Bert!
Annie Lennox was born in Aberdeen,Scotland on December 25, 1954. Annie began playing music as child, learning how to play both the piano and flute.Annie's musical interest was evident to her parent from the time she was three years more
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