Monday, April 02, 2007


Anxiety, Thy Name is Broadcast Restrictions


OK, I'm not sure where WV is, but hey, I can handle myself. I'm an adult (legally), and I put my pants on 2 LEGS AT A TIME (yeah, it's like that. I organize them on the ground in just such a way and jump off my bed into them. But you should see me undress. Or not). Probably the highlight of my day. Moving on. But let's talk about
why I'm not watching the game. They're playing the docile orange birds (Baltimore Tejadas?), and that's in my coverage area so I can't watch it on the ESPN2, you feel me? realizes the same thing, so I can't watch it on the series of tubes called the interwebs, so there's that.


But panic I did. My cable provider doesn't carry the channel that's broadcasting the game! But all is not lost, I remember that I got the premium package (because that's how I roll, baby), so I can listen to John and Dazzle (did you know he knows where to get the best bock beer? Such alliteration! I'd like Wade Boggs' opinion though)


Santana sits everybody down because that's what Santana does. At some point, you'll see the pictres from this game from our very own correspondent, SJ, who is at the game. It'd be awesome if she were a Jesuit nun (though maybe not for her...), she'd be SJ, S.J.


Castillo acts like a leadoff hitter should(n't) and gets out on the second pitch (I think). Punto strikes out, and Joe Mauer does his thing, which is hit the ball all over the damn place. So, basically 2006 so far.

Cuddy, newly married, will hopefully avoid the marriage slump. I don't know if such a slump exists in baseball, but it's been documented in basketball (Doug Christie).

Bedard is supposed to be pretty good though, I mean, right? All full of potential and stuff? Good to see Dimples doing a little bit of battling. One of my friends made the hypothetical that if Ortiz were still around, the Twins would score 1200 runs. But he's a Yankees fan, so he's delusional, Q.E.D.

Aaaaand the 3rd strike down the pipe! Don't need to make it harder for yourself, Cuddles.

Hey, here's a question: I felt really strange, because nobody else seemed to be as excited about opening day as I did. Is this an experience you shared?


SJ has informed that the pitch was actually "bullshit" and since all reality and beliefs are constructed, that's the construction i want to hear. Also, that Silva was booed during the introduction of the lineup. This will either fire up the coal engine inside Gordito, and bring out the wolf in him, or he will be culled and emasculated.

Tejada gets the first hit for the Orioles, and now will be very polite as he lets everybody know how miserable he is.

Johan gets a pickoff! Johan is a 9-tool pitcher! He can:

Change Speeds
Make hitters look stupid
Sit bitches down
Put out fires
Plant trees
Sell drinks
Talk to your cat and find out what's ailing him/her

And then, because of the audacity of Tejada daring to get on base, he goes and K's the last hitter. That's karma, buddy.


JUSTIN MORYES! You sexy MVP beast!

SINN FEIN explodes a ball over the fence!

Suddenly it's 2-0!

Way to kill the mood, Undell. Just kidding, Seriously, those dingers were even more exciting than putting on pants this morning! Best 30 seconds of the day.

And like that it's over. The pirantas need to be stirred to action, perhaps. Get the hunger!


On his 18th pitch, Millar flies to center. I'll be honest; I'm still a little nervous. As we recall, El Presidente is historically very hittable in April. But perhaps he looked in the mirror, and when he was done admiring the sex appeal that emanates out of him, he said, "Today I will sit bitches down."

And God said, "You are Johan Santana, and I have no control over you. You do what you want."

Groundout. As much as we love K's, gotta love the pitch count thusfar. Of course, as soon as I say this, he goes to his first 3 ball count. Of course. I need to shut my mouth.

Quick, somebody who's watching the game: did Paul Bakko (may or may not be accurately spelled. Can't say I care) call home from first to tell his parents Santana walked him?

Oh dear oh dear, why oh why are there runners on the corners? Sit Mora down, Johan. Sit him down! So far so good.

TO DAVID: You are lucky to live where you do. Baseball is a foreign sport in SW Virginia.



RK: I just heard Boof is pitching tomorrow. And I'm happy to hear that

WV: As long as his name doesn't begin with S and rhyme with kidney I'm down.

RK: Not a lot of production from the pirantas so far tonight

WV: An amazing showing of brute strength from Punto there.

RK: He's working on building up his arm muscles

RK: He should have spent the offseason working as a lode-bearing pillar on a house construction site

WV: Perhaps we've become the Bitch Sox a la 2003, home run hitters and questionable starting pitching.

RK: Don't you ever say that

WV: I'll go to my corner.


RK: "My name's Tejada, I make plays, I'm not MVP anymore, boo hoo". I actually like Tejada, I don't know why I'm ragging on him so bad

RK: Oh right, the huge contract he signed and him thinking he could single-handedly carry the franchise. Vernon Wells currently has Miguel Tejada Syndrome

WV: Definitely a strike there.

RK: I wish I knew. Gordon and Dazzle are too polite

WV: Do you think this is even fun for Santana?

RK: I think I would be infinitely thrilled with sitting bitch after bitch down

WV: Playing Madden '07 on easy is only amusing for so long. It's like he needs a walk to mix things up.

RK: Yeah, yeah, that's it. Like sometimes how we let ourselves get out of shape so going to the gym is more rewarding

WV: Precisely. This slab of bacon I'm having for dinner will make the celery taste better tomorrow.

WV: Nice, Dick and Bert are interviewing a former American Idol contestant. And it's only the 4th inning.

RK: We have Blackjack Morris in the booth. Radio wins.

WV: Though it's Paris Bennett, they're probably still under the impression that it's the slut from the Simple Life.

RK: I'm so out of touch with American pop culture

WV: Aubrey Huff RBI. Well that's not special. Lefty on lefty crime.....when will it stop.

RK: I imagine we could take back the comment on Morneau's improved defense.

RK: In his defense, they were playing in.

WV: Yeah, not much you can do there

WV: I do hope he strikes someone out so as to restore my crumbling world.

RK: Michael, I don't play fantasy baseball. My fantasy life is consumed with... other pursuits. And I choose to believe both yours and David's word about Mauer's being safe

WV: Alright, this isn't funny anymore.

RK: Johan is at his most vincible in April

WV: This is like Newsradio when Jon Lovitz replaced Phil Hartman

RK: Or episodes of M*A*S*H that Alan Alda wrote and directed


WV: Is there such a thing as a good at bat that doesn't result in a hit.

WV: Though this one did

RK: I would argue yes, but Cuddy knows what must be done. It's always good to drive up the pitch count

WV: Especially with the bullpen the birds have.

RK: Precisely. Now let's see what the good Dr. feels like he wants to do

WV: Single. The good Dr. is the MVP, Eric Bedard is Eric Bedard.

RK: And Morneau shows that it's not all about dingers

WV: Hey Sinn Fein, at bats like that'll get you a fat contract. Sucker.

WV: Look at Knees taking a pitch like the cagey veteran he is

RK: I imagine those ones are pretty easy to take

WV: What do you make of Mr. Cirillo

RK: He's my new Phil Nevin. Don't scare him!

WV: Whatever his hame is, he delivers

WV: Come on, Morneau can do better than that. He's a damn hockey player

RK: Well, he took the catcher out

WV: Or will he be Bako? I'll be here all week!

RK: I don't know how to respond to that


WV: What are your impressions of the team thus far

RK: 2006 redux. And I'm going to miss Dark Beard

WV: Me, Rocket Bats

RK: I have a feeling we'll be seeing him soon

WV: Knees on D!

RK: Any less of a man would've been under it 5 seconds sooner.

WV: I don't know if Kubel will be seeing left field any time soon.

RK: The tripartite Jasoncreature is in hiding. And Santana is back to form.

RK: David: RonDL. I like it. I like it a lot. That's going in the working glossary.

WV: I agree. We've definitely not seen the Undell this half inning.


WV: I like what I'm seeing.

RK: That's about the most common way Punto will ever make it over the fence.

WV: This is what Joe Mauer needs

RK: A little Mauer Pauer would be peachy.

WV: Looks like Bedard is avoiding him like Typhus

RK: Why would you pitch around Mauer to load the bases for the right hander Cuddyer?

RK: I mean, get the double play in order, sure

WV: Because Bedard rhymes with reta...ooh. Not PC?

RK: Mustn't go there.

RK: I bet Cuddy is dimpling SO HARD

WV: 0-2. Son of a mother.

RK: Well, I do enjoy a nice hack at a pitch aimed for my head every now and then.

RK: Now he has sad dimples

WV: But the good doctor can make it better with a shot to the upper deck

RK: Looks like the fast ball up and in is the way to go.

RK: Opening day jitters perhaps?

WV: Shouldn't have let bako back. As Bako argues, the ump says, "that wasn't a foul...not by the hairs on my triple chinny chin chin"


WV: Does being MVP kick in a contract clause that allows you to not know how to run the bases?

RK: Honestly, how many times did that happen last year?

WV: I'm gonna guess 30

WV: Sinn Fein let's loose a helluva car bomb.

RK: He's got the good borium today

RK: I'm assuming borium is an element. If not, it should be

WV: And good-bye, Bedard

RK: Whoops, apologies to Michael. Didn't mean to call you David. Sometimes Gmail's conversation view confuses me


WV: We've got a Sampler Plate Reyes sighting

RK: Santana is being April Santana

WV: It's how it goes

RK: Hopefully the offense can put the game out of reach

RK: But y'know not all that bad. Johan's got 6 Ks

WV: I don't think anyone who has followed the Twins would be surprised by some April rust

RK: It's part and parcel, really

WV: All in all, I'd say a successful outing by Santana. I assume his night's done

RK: SJ assures me that the beer in the Dome is better now


RK: Cirillo might not by my new Phil Nevin after all

WV: He may not be.

RK: Working the plate, drawing walks; pretty anti-Phil Nevin

RK: Jasonthing2!

WV: Slap single here we come.

RK: I say he'll hit a Pierzynski. Inside out over the shortstop

WV: Unless he's right-handed. then say second baseman

RK: Ha, the other Pierzynski, a strikeout

WV: Castillo, that's a good pirhana. That is how you do

RK: I never know how to properly spell piranha. I just go piranta

WV: Like Bert would want. I go with Peralta now and then

RK: Jhonny style?

WV: You know it.

RK: Yeah, intentional misspellings are hot

WV: Wow, our top 6th was really boring

RK: We should be ashamed of ourselves

WV: Indeed. I was frying more bacon. Cut me some slack..or a slab

RK: But what redeems is our ability to be self-critical

WV: And now my keyboard is a greasy proverbial spoon

RK: That sounds delicious. Wait, is there a baseball game happening right now?

WV: Solid rbi single. I dig it

RK: Tejada's pretty much cancelled out that home run

RK: Punto knows how to stretch a single

RK: Cuddyer's taken about 130 pitches tonight

WV: But not the good result this time

WV: Well, knock on wood, let's hope our bullpen can slam the door shut like it did so well last season.

RK: I have more faith than George Michael in 1989


WV: A balk....

RK: Aren't those never supposed to happen after like, junior high?

WV: I know what the rule is, and I know why you get a balk called. But it all looks the same to me

RK: Is Joe West still a mediocre umpire?

WV: Tough to say. Appears like he's helped us more than hurt tonight

RK: Gotcha. Man, I'm gonna miss Torrid Hunter when he gets traded


WV and/or RK: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Out, Out, Castillo hit. Out.


WV: I'd like to see Joe Nathan here, even if it's not a save situation. You know. to be safe. Like when you use a steak knife to open a bag of chips.

WV: And we have Nathan...and some doofus running around the infield. Jensen, that better not be you.

WV: And a Freddie Bynum sighting---think the O's believe they have a chance against Nathan?

WV: While I'm wasting time, let me let you in on a secret--the red number at the top left of the page is how many people are currently reading the site. Sort of like Big Brother, only we won't put your videos on you tube.

WV: And that's the game. Nice way to start off the season.

i was very excited for opening day. and so was everyone else i talked to. except for the woman at the office who we had explain to the whole team the wild card process (it was a homework assignment for her).
Do you play fantasy baseball? I do, for the first time, this year, and I already hate it. I actually thought to myself, oh, a hit by Tejada, that's not too bad, he's on my team. And when the Dr. and mister dives all over went back to back I was barely excited because if Cuddy would have just taken a pitch in his at bat, he and Mauer (both on my team) would have scored.

Also, Mauer, from my seat, with the perfect view, totally safe on that infield hit.
where are are our base runners?

i also agree with michael - mauer was safe.

what kind of throw home was that cuddy?
That is a great veteran move to magically place the ball in his glove while sliding across the ground. Go RonDL.

Also, Dick jinxes him, mentioning the similar play that led to his injury.
Who you callin' David?

Also, no camera angle, but if Morneau was actually out on the slide into second, the Twins need to get a sliding coach.

RonDL is stolen. Bat-girl I think. Aaron Gleeman. Someone with a better fantasy life than me.
I am going to do this every game.

Broadcasters, me, no one believes that was a balk. Even the ump - he makes up for it with the awesome catcher-moves-the-ball-2-feet-in strike call.
As close as I can get to an actual quote:

Dick: "Well, there's a hook on the mound tonight, but we've got a real hooker in the booth in Rick Sutcliffe."


Bert: "And a hooker on the mound, if you want to call them that..."

How's about that for a great opening for your namesake. He just leaves it to his partner for the awkward on-air reference, and the Twins win it.
I can't believe I missed that. That is truly classic. We should start a repository on the sidebar of one liners
Good work, guys. I was there and it rocked my face off. Bitches sat down, Dingers were dinged, and Justin totally asserted himself as a threat to take the extra base (except it doesn't work when you're the size of a horse and not as fast, although such qualities come in handy when you want to let the opposing catcher know he'd better get the HELL out of the way at the plate.) Stupid fan behavior (where are we, the south side of Chicago?), lots of teary Herb Carneal moments, a Brad Radke tribute, and so much more. I consider the day seized. Much like Nick Punto, after he's thrown himself headfirst into some base or other (tonight it was second, for a change.)
If you haven't noticed now, Bert and Dick jinx just about EVERYTHING(!), haha. When I'm watching I hate it, have to knock on wood like a thousand times to be safe.

Also, agreed with the last person. I was disappointed some with how the fans acted. No need to boo Silva at all, no need to boo when the pitcher throws over to first one time, no need to run on the field, to get more into the wave and the beachball than the game. Ah well... maybe it's just me, haha.

Either way, the game was freaking amazing!!!!!!! :) And glad to have you guys back going inning by inning game by game.
Me? Run the field? I wouldn't of ran..I would've tackled Jasonthing2...With as much booze as I had in my system, I'm surprised it wasn't me!
bedard WAS avoiding mauer like typhoid! i almost want to nickname joe 'typhoid'. but that's not very nice.
Santana was great...two back-to-back Jacks...Rondell makes a great save...Mauer WAS safe and the ump was, too, because of the no instant replay in the dome rule...that dope is probably in jail...this blog is awesome.
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