Monday, April 09, 2007


Is It Lake Season Yet?


As I've mentioned before, it's unseasonably cold down here in Virginia. Which means it's pretty much unseasonably cold everywhere else. Cleveland comes to mind. Minnesota too. My sister in Fargo said that there's snow issues! Point is, none of you in the land of ten thousand have fully gotten into lake mode just yet. And that's a problem, because that's when you break out the pontoon. And you know how it is when you haven't used the implements in a while, you gotta make sure they run good enough, and the first time out, maybe in the back of your mind, you think, "This has always been a sturdy pontoon, but it's getting old, and has somewhat recently been arrested abroad for being drunk and bellicose." And that's where we are tonight. The Twins are spring-testing the Pontoon. and I understand that the metaphor isn't perfect, because they do have spring training after all, but spring is not in March. I refuse to accept the logic.

So let's see what happens when Pontoon takes the mound against the perenially injured/deceitful Carl Pavano. I just hope to all things good and holy that Jon Miller and Zombie Morgan only work Sunday.


WV: 6.5 hours from Yankee-ville and MLB blacks me out simply because I fall within the auspices of YES tv's evil empire.

RK: OK. One thing needs to be made clear right quick ESPN announcers. The Antichrist from Kalamazoo did not lose the batting title on the last day of the season because he's always giving himself up to move runners.

RK: Now I'm just angry. Anger salad.

WV: Right, the Yanks sure are known for their small ball.

RK: And it appears obvious that the Pontoon is sinking.

WV:The Pontoon is about to be sent to the Garza Strip.

RK: For demolition, not maintenance.

WV: Giambi is 16 for 38 against Ponson, I like those odds. Perhaps a walk would be the best policy here.

RK: Yeah, that was one of those intentional unintentional walks

WV: According to Gordo, Ponson is throwing strikes, they're just "moving after they cross the plate". Now...I'm not watching, but that sounds a little ridiculous.

RK: His pitches don't look good. That's all.

WV: This would be why you don't play your designated hitter in left field.

RK: Yeah, he's probably the stout base of the Tripartite Jasoncreature. Not the speedy upper parts.

WV: Dougie Baseball remembers what it's like to hit for a low average at the Metrodome.

RK: I'm already getting texts from Yankee fans though, which is sad, that they have such a complex about their team. It makes you wonder what else is missing in their lives.

RK: Maybe joy, love, or a reason to live.


RK: And with that high chopper over the pitcher's head, somewhere, Cristian Guzman is yelling "I COULDA DONE THAT!"

WV: He then counts his ill-gotten money that he stole from Washington

RK: Boy, my jouissance concerning the game tonight has been sapped by a combination of black outs and pontoons

WV: The only heartening thing about having Pontoon on the mound is that the Yankees have Pavano

RK: True.

WV: And it means that Pontoon won't be pitching tomorrow or the day after.

RK: If I watched The Office, I'd make some comparison here

WV: And then you'd say that Steve Carell is no Ricky Gervais

RK: Oh dear, Grand Avenue Joe, that is not the way to get it done

WV: It might be a long night.

RK: Well, empirically, Pavano won't get through 5, but we'll see


RK: I also love how on ESPN, when Jeter scratches his neck the announcers say how he's probably hurt and is bravely playing through pain

WV: On what side of the country is ESPN's headquarters again?

RK: Hmm, right, the Bos-Wash sports media superstructure

WV: Boy, the Tampa Bay and KC series are looking good about now.

WV: Did Jeter fly out due to raging rheumatoid arthritis in most of his joints?


WV: Abreu is still Abreu.

RK: Riding that dragon around in The Neverending Story

WV: 78 mph change up, pretty much BP for Abreu.

RK: We ought to start a pool to see if Ponson lasts longer than Bautista did.

WV: The aged veteran strategy: still might not be a great idea.

RK: Ponson is the junk bonds of starting pitching.


RK: But Cuddy injects some life!

WV: He does. I sadistically enjoy these sorts of games that make our blog more entertaining than the on field action.

WV: It's sort of like a dentist taking pleasure in somebody needing a root canal because it gives his business a nice bump.

WV: Operating under the assumption that dentists actually care about you...oooh, might I be an anti-dentite?

WV: Kubel + Hunter + Punto + Last 6 Games = Totally Worthless

RK: That's good calculus

RK: And Cuddles still can't run the bases very well

RK: I'm hoping at some point the Twins will say "Hey wait a minute. This is Carl Freaking Pavano! He missed a year because of a super deep hangnail!"


RK: Well the joke is on ESPN2 for nationally carrying this.

WV: Yeah, surely they have a World Series of Poker. They seem to have had them for the past 150 years

RK: Between that and NFL films, it's all ESPN2 airs

WV: Steve Sable pretty much owes his never-aging existence to the Dos.


RK: stylishmcu is right, that Mauer led the Antichrist from Kalamazoo the whole way down and didn't cough it up. We just have to remember the Bos-Wash sports media complex and a heavy sense of delusion.

WV: They likely believe that the U.S. is composed of two isthmuses that extend from British Columbia and Nova Scotia and merge in Texas.

RK: ruppjs, you can predict the future. I believe you.

WV: Dougie Baseball is a veritable Nadia Comaneci

RK: Wow, the Pear King needs to take the bat off his shoulder

WV: Are pears in season right now anyway?

RK: Brian Buchanan's smugness level has never been higher

RK: By the way: Jeter status update: He's playing with a strained neck

WV: I bet he donated some spinal fluid because it cures congenital diseases in 3rd world countries.

RK: Yeah, let's see if his eyelids can match the height of his smugness.

WV: We're kind of like the bully at school who is jealous of the aesthetically pleasing popular kid

RK: Well, no, I'd say we're the devastatingly handsome kids that don't buy into the secondary education system


RK: Megan is absolutely right. Tyner could be the next D-Mohr

RK: Not that great, but plays with heart

RK: And that's all you need

WV: Yeah, but I bet he doesn't take BP in the buff.

WV: You know what I'd rather have right now than Matt Garza starting this game......a 3rd string catcher.

WV: Yeah...that's it.....Heintz. There we go, that's what I want.

RK: That's gestalt my friend, false consciousness

WV: In all fairness, Pontoon seems to have settled down a bit.

RK: We must give him that. But he needs to shave off the facial hair. The netherland between full beard and stubble may only be occupied by Brad Radke


WV: You know, I can hear the Yankees fans cheering in the Metrodome background. I bet 99% of them are Carleton or Macalester students. And since I was once a former, I can say that.

RK: Are they the ones that go home and talk about how amazing the campus is when all their friends at NYU wonder why they went so far away?

WV: You guessed it. Unless if they go to Macalester, in that case, they'd love to describe their campus to you but half of the time they fail to realize they've accidentally gone to class at St. Thomas by walking 12 feet in the wrong direction.

RK: Well, this trip through the MIAC has been illuminating (and I'm sure we'll get to my alma mater, St. John's, at some point)

WV: Just wait til we reach Concordia

RK: Dougie Splits just made a hell of a play

WV: But people in the Bronx will not be assuaged with defensive prowess.


WV: Man, Bartlett is a true rockstar

RK: Unfortunately, he neither has a pang in his neck nor is profoundly overrated, so we're not going to hear about that

WV: Instead, we're going to rehash basic economics of baseball

RK: If the Pear King gets hurt, I imagine Terry Ryan wouldn't want to call up Casilla.

WV: What's Pat Mears doing these days?

RK: Probably still letting me down when I play MLB 1997 for N64

WV: And no damage done. Pray for offense


WV: Remember when Pavano was hot shit?

RK: Yeah, I was an undergrad back then

WV: Wow, Sinn Fein almost blew Pavano's head off with that liner

RK: I'm going to blow off my own head if the offense doesn't get going.

RK: Megan's rally cap is working! The Rubik's Kubel brought Torii around

WV: I take back my earlier agreement with putting him in Rochester.

RK: Could it be a glimmer of hope for things to come? I should curb my enthusiasm

RK: I'm not feeling as encouraged that Redmond will repeat this year as "The DH who could"

WV: And congrats, Yankee fans, you finally have a starting pitcher complete 5 full innings

RK: One more, and you will get what's called a "quality start"

WV: You need those for "Wins"

RK: I'm gonna go on a limb though, and predict New York will finish 3rd in the AL East

WV: Ballsy.

RK: They have unsustainable starting pitching, aging players who are getting hurt, and Toronto and Boston are looking good


RK: When Pontoon's pitching, I like to think about other things

RK: Like what I'm gonna wear tomorrow

WV: How long it's been since I had KFC

RK: Always seems like a good decision, but after 3 bites, you regret it

WV: Yeah, how strange is that.

WV: Also strangely, if he gets through this, 6 innings and 5 ER seems successful for me. Nevermind.

RK: The infield defense has looked alright tonight at least. Punto's play was incredible

RK: Defense doesn't matter, however, when you give up homers to Rodriguez

RK: Well, what's the verdict: is the Pontoon sunk?

WV: Probably not for the time being, though I'm already sick of the "he put in a nice effort" comments coming from Dazzle and eventually Gardy.

WV: I'd compare that to fellatio, but this is a family website

RK: Right. I'll take this time to address some commenters: Sister Jensen, reconsider. Megan, we don't blame you, but just remember, when you walk away, WV and I are torturing ourselves watching the game entire, no matter what! and twink, the long hair/elite team corollary is intriguing. And be intriguing I mean anything is better than watching Pontoon


WV: Jeter has intangibles.

RK: Yeah, like the ability to annoy people up to 3000 miles away with his smirk

WV: Whenever I hear about intangibles, I think of the Tenacious D song "Wonderboy"

WV: It's games like this where I miss Eyre'n Go Bragh!

RK: Kinda like you miss that kid who'd get drunk and shower with his shoes on. You only miss him when he's gone

WV: But you can't help but admire their ingenuity. Like, being able to compile a high ERA but never taking a loss.

WV: Or....bathing and not having to remove your shoes.

RK: Jensen, go with pink. Reconsider the green.

WV: That said, Guerrier actually seems to be a good pitcher, it's not his fault he's in Eyre'n Go Bragh!'s traditional spot.

RK: You need to have a longman

WV: Could there be a less desirable spot on a roster?

RK: Well. Third string catcher, perhaps

WV: Right, it's not like being a punter because you actually have to work for a long stretch.

WV: And it's thankless on top of it.

RK: Do you think our readers will forgive us for not paying a great deal of attention to the game qua game?

WV: If they're not used to it by now, chances are they're no longer our readers.

RK: Yeah, you really have to buy into the ethos.


RK: Stacey, I am indeed a Johnnie. And I hear that we comprise quite the devastatingly handsome phalanx. I won't dispel the notion.

RK: Haha, I mean seriously, I can't even account for the last two Yankee runs

WV: That's how you get it done, Global Warming!


WV: Ha, Posada was all set up to get Morneau's silo popup
and Mienkiewicz came charging in and called him off

RK: Bitter about the job loss?

WV: Or looking to pocket another baseball.

RK: But Hunter came up big and brought GW around

WV: I just want this to be a little competitive

RK: Seriously, I know far too many Yankee fans

WV: At the very least, Hunter seems to recall how to hit.


WV: There's an ACE Hardware radio spot that involves Gardy barking seductively at his wife.

RK: Yeah, I've heard that. It's too weird for words

WV: Even weirder, the mental image I have of it came to me way too easily.

RK: And the Sampler Platter is in

WV: For better or worse.

RK: Y'know what I'd like? A Cadbury creme egg. Haven't had one of those in like 5 years

WV: If you do some smart shopping, many fine establishments have them half off now that Easter has passed

WV: I've got about 60. Or so it seems.

WV: One of Gordon's radio spots just put forth that "nobody knows how to have fun in Minnesota more than Minnesotans".

WV: That seems incorrect to me, as our Norwegian stoicism and/or Protestant pragmatism pretty much makes us seek boredom at all costs. Don't believe me? Look at the game you're watching.


WV: Well, what else can you say? This sort of felt like it would shake out this way before it even started.

RK: Well, what can you say? Pontoon's not a good pitcher. I just wish we didn't have to go through at the beginning of the year. Y'know, slow start, hey, let's give the young talent a chance and then we win everything.

WV: Did we really get anything have Pontoon out there instead of Garza? I'm not convinced.

RK: And that's all I have to say. I'm going to get my Cadbury creme egg.

This boat's already sunk.
Slim .........Kubel just showed why I don't like him!!! Ya gotta catch that ball!! What the hell is he doing in LEFT FIELD???? WHERE IS RONDELL WHITE???? SICKENING!!!!
The Undell is hurt at the moment, I'm not sure what to say about Kubel.
Here's the deal on Kubel...everyone had such high expectations on the boy going into the season because he was allegedly healthy. Folks, he ripped up his knees real good, he may never be "healthy" from a baseball standpoint again. I did my point in trying to temper the enthusiasm for Kubel by predicting he'd be a big disappointment before the season. I, for one am not surprised at his disappointing start. He hasn't proven he belongs at the major league level since his injury. He should be at AAA working his way back. BTW, Ponson needs to have a glass of wine. He sucks.
Definitely, I think you're right on Kubel starting in AAA. If nothing else he needs regular at bats, preferably from the DH slot, to get his swing back in order.
Slim you need to make an appearance on the last shot tonight and we need to rip on kubel and Ponson. So be there.
What time you recording?
Just for clarification purposes, Mauer did not win the batting title "on the last day of the season". In fact, he was ahead of Jeter for the entirety of the month of September, so what the hell is ESPN's deal with claiming he only won it on the last day of the season? Even tho I'd love to watch the Twins in HD, I just can't stand ESPN so I'm watching on FSN, that's just sad that the announcers are that bad.
Gardenhire, post-game press conference: "It would have been easy for Ponson to shut it down after that first couple of innings. But he pulled himself together and pitched his tail off."
right now slim we are recording so get on soon.
This is sad. The game seems sad too. Heck, put Tyner in left! I don't care if the guy has never hit a homerun in his major league career! He runs and plays like crazy with his heart, even when crawling, haha. And gosh, hits together would be nice.
Well.. now that Ponson has kinda settled, how about our bats start going crazy? Yeah? I'm all for that. Haha.

You know.. I knew those two days off in a row would kill something (and it looks like it had to be our offense, minus Morneau's homerun, which was killer by the way).
I don't care what inning it is.. I'm going with the rally cap. (They need it! Haha)
When I was at the home opener...pretty sure rally caps came out really early...oh well...
Hating on Macalester, eh? Well, I wouldn't want to take a wrong turn at St. John's, and end up in...come to think of it, I have no idea what's in St. Cloud. Moose?

And for the record, I don't think I knew a single Yankees fan in the entire time I went to Mac.
DBurg, you have to remember William went to Carleton. And there's absolutely nothing in St. Cloud.
Little Nicky could've added a little spin and he would've brought break dancing back....
I'm sportin' the Twins green St. Patrick's day rally-cap...luck 'o the Irish maybe? As ARod hit's a homer....hat no good..
I quit. Yes, quit.
This is sickening... haha.
Dazzle and Jack are talking about baseball players and hair. I can't help but agree with Dazzle about baseball players and long hair. That's the one thing that I think is keeping the Twins from becoming an elite team. They need some more scruffy guys with long hair.
(I quit in spirit, am still around, and will be around for the whole thing.)

On a positive note, I'm sure the SpotLight segment on Mauer on FSN after the game will be nice.
Do I reconsider the Little Nicky breakdancing move? Or to lose the rally cap? Which, by the way...I'm still sporting...I have faith in my twins and the St. Patty's Day hat. I'm oddly enough not worried about this game yet either though. Flashback to last many games did we come back and win in the 9th inning? I'll worry when there's 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th with no one on and we're down by 2.
a little late in the game, but just got back from teaching a class and skimmed through the post. One of the things that caught my eye was the discussion of alma maters. Robert, you're a Johnnie? Be still my heart. That was all us St. Cloud State girls could dream of when I was an undergrad...Oh, and do you think this start will be enough for Gardenhire to question having Ponson in the starting rotation?
Well the pink hat got a couple doubles and a run scored...sticking with the trusty pink!
I still can't believe that one leg is 2 inches shorter than the other on Reyes...
My dad just called me (he's at the game with my brother) and the first thing he says is "It's horrible!!" like five times. And then he says he's sitting next to a Yankee fan.. lol To top it off.
"Norwegian stoicism and/or Protestant pragmatism pretty much makes us seek boredom at all costs. Don't believe me? Look at the game you're watching."

that slays me!!
The Boat is sunk indeed. sheshrugged and I were watching the game like the masochists we are, and noted that The Boat is without question the ugliest person on our team in every single way. Kubel frustrates me. Mauer does not. My deep condolences to anyone tuning in via ESPN/YES. It must have been excruciating.
And guys, I think you meant to put "BURY, not PRAISE, Sidney Ponson." The sinking boat and the 12.71 ERA indicate as much.
We did indeed, thanks for pointing out the grave error.
[referring to twink's claim that to be elite "the twins need some more scruffy guys with long hair"...]

as dedicated as i am and as sacrelige as it is to speak ill of someone on our own dear team, i must insist: having more players with greasy, sweaty, curly mullets ala ponson would forever limit my interest in the twins to non-visual forms of communication. and, yes, that's even if he could pitch.

hence, uncontrollable id's idea for a new t-shirt: "FREE GARZA". here here?
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