Sunday, April 08, 2007


John Danks + Dank Day = Working Title


With RK out getting some grub, it's my turn to man the fort. I've decided only to live blog games this season in which Santana pitches and leave RK the rest. Or so it seems.

The real challenge today will be, how long will it take for me to refer to the website "Heave the Hawk". Oops. Well, you can't mention it enough times.

And RK is here to save the day. That's good, I was starting to feel like Garth after Wayne ditched him to do...whatever it was he went to do. I suppose it's a good thing I haven't seen Wayne's World in quite a long time. How else would I have time to watch RV Bloopers 600 times.


WV: And hey, we get WGN announcers!

RK: Seriously, they go wild for every pitch Danks throws. Is he related to all of them?

WV: Ha, for sure. You'd think he just won the cy young by retiring the side in order.

RK: News flash, bitches: it's been happening for a while now.


WV: It's nice that the best you can hope for from Santana is 4 runs

RK: I can see a slight glint in Johan's eyes though, missing Venezuela

WV: Or he's thinking, "I wish Ozzie Guillen were from somewhere else"

RK: OK, I've been trying really hard not to use the word "resurrect" today

RK: But I can't stop: perhaps the Twins can resurrect their offense

RK: Perhaps Ozzie Guillen can resurrect some good will throughout the league

RK: Maybe I can resurrect a gym schedule

WV: If you don't stop, our readers will passover our site

WV: that's right, i went there

RK: Hey, seder down now

WV: is there a game going on

RK: JoJo's sitting bitches down

WV: That WGN announcer just said "reper-trwa"

WV: It's like people who say "cwo-ssant"

WV: I want to put a gun to their heads.

RK: Yeah, I know, right? Au Bon Pain moves into town and all of a sudden you're Marat

WV: English adopted a foreign word. Whup dee do, languages do it frequently

RK: Right.

WV: Au Bon Pain in my ass. I'll get more creative as the game goes on.

RK: We can only hope

RK: Doesn't Thome have like 300 career home runs against the Twins?

WV: Apparently, the umpire has never heard of a 30 degree strike

RK: Which, let me tell you, when I umpired, I certailny did

WV: "No score if you're just tuning in" is redundant when it's permanently on the top of the screen

RK: There's something Hegelian there, but I can't quite figure out what

WV: Another walk. Somewhere Brad Radke grits his teeth

RK: And Carlos Silva feels vindicated


RK: Could it be that Cuddly McDimples is developing an Mientkiewiczian eye at the plate?

WV: Perhaps. Let's hope he doesn't develop a Mientkiewiczian bat as well.

RK: But remember, that was because of the unfortunate wrist injury

WV: Poor guy. Is he on the Yanks' roster?

RK: I believe so.

RK: How is Danks fooling everybody with the same pitch over and over again?

WV: These fastballs should be like BP for Hunter

WV: If I hear "he gone" again....




WV: You can't help but wonder if the reason Santana ends the season so well is because he starts (relatively) slowly. But then again, I'm not worthy to question his ways, let alone speak his name. Perhaps we should add "yahweh" to the glossary.

WV: 3 walks...son of a mother. This is nothing that a double play cannot fix.

WV: Dammit, you're Johan Santana not Yohan Pino. The good news is that they've yet to get good wood on any pitches, it seems to just be control issues. But now I've jinxed Him Who Is Referred To As Yahweh.

RK: What would we do without the Pear King.


WV: Bartlett could pretty much hit 1/12 the entire season since the closest thing we have to a back-up SS is Greg Gagne.

WV: My principle goal in life is to own WGN so that when I fire the Hawk I can say "you gone".

WV: Though, I might thrown in "you nincompoop!" "you suck!" or "you unoriginal!" while I'm at it.


[WV and RK ran into technical difficulties, thanks to Get your shit together,]


RK: I had to take a little break because Mama K called. I have to take that call, not only because I'm a mama's boy, but because I'm afraid of her. WV can attest to that fact.

RK: MORNEAU GOES BOOM! That's the stuff we need to see! Mauer getting on base because he's Grand Street Joe (Someone in the "Joe Mauer is Better Than Your Favorite Athlete" facebook group suggested nicknaming Joe "global warming" because nobody can stop him. I like that), Cuddy doing his part, and then Morneau tidying up the place because it doesn't look good to leave runners on base.

RK: Unrelatedly, dear anonymous commenter: thank you for getting the "Manos: hands of fate" reference in calling RonDL "Knees"

RK: Jasonthing 2, you're never going to get that home run squaring up to bunt. But it's piranta of you and I like that. All you can do is get on base. Not that it'll matter if Jasonthing 1 whiffs and whiffs


RK: I could write about how Santana got a strikeout, made Pierzynski look straight stupid, whatever. But let's instead get a sneak peek into Johan's resume:


Employer: Minnesota Twins
Duration: 2000 -
Position: Pitching Staff Ace
Job Description: Sit bitches down. All day, baby.

You're hired, Johan!


RK: Insensitive comment of the day: "Morneau's got his own place now. No hard feelings. He didn't move out because of... that."

RK: Again, that went really quickly. Sorry WV's not here right now - he had to go pick someone up. He'll be back soon. Stop weeping.


RK: Gentle readers, I kid you not. I went to pour a glass of V8 Splash because that stuff is delicious, and I came back to see Johan striking Thome out to end the inning. I'm strongly encouraged by what I see. Maybe it was the WBC last year that accounts for El Presidente's unusually slow start, but even though he's walked a few, he's only given up 1 hit. Not bad, Johan. And I'll share a quick story. I used to teach at a prep school in Jersey, and I was a house parent at the boarding house. One of my students was Venezuelan, and we'd watch the games together and cheer on Johan, and he taught me some elaborate, excited chant in Spanish that I've since forgotten. Anyway, I got him a Venezuela Santana jersey for graduation, and we still keep in touch. He's a point guard at Marquette, and he's going to make that team even better next year, mark my words.

RK: But seriously, how good is V8 splash?


RK: OH MY RISEN LORD, THEY'RE SHOWING BERT! My day is complete. He's wearing a nice blue shirt and gold tie with a smart royal blue windbreaker. Well chosen, flying Dutchman, well chosen. I don't even care about the 1-2-3 inning!


RK: Wow, Santana can field his position with the best of them. Remember when all we used to hear about was how Greg Maddux was such an excellent fielder? Why aren't we hearing that about Johan? And why the hell is Erstad even bothering?

RK: I appreciate the announcers saying Bert should be in the HOF. Nobody thinks that more than we here at PAB. But two innings? Come on now, seems a little rough. Santana has now sat down 14 bitches in a row. It's going to be a good season for him. I feel it in my bones.


RK: Is anybody as pumped as I am for the series finale of The Sopranos? I lived about half a mile away from Big Pussy's garage when I lived in the dirty Jersey. I feel a kinship with the place. Basically though, I love any HBO original series. Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire, Deadwood, Rome, Entourage --- it's all good.

RK: Oh no, the late inning doldrums are settling in. Another 1-2-3 inning. 9 more outs guys.


RK: Santana's looking much much better, by the way

WV: Nicky Punto, scrappy.

RK: He's so excitable! I bet he did that on purpose just to get a little exercise, and now the ump is calling the 30 degree strike.

WV: Oh dear, the Whooping Crain is warming up.

RK: Santana's sat down 17 in a row

WV: Not bad

WV: Apologies to our readers: I didn't realize the comments were turned off.

RK: Oh, that's it! I thought we were unloved. Or people were celebrating Beaster. Man, kinda goes against our whole ethos.

WV: We are such frauds.


WV: The Nicene Crede: Thou Shalt Throw Like A Girl

RK: We believe in one Joe, the Mauer, the almighty creator of the .347

RK: In all that is swung, and unswung

WV: Probably the worst 1 hitter Johan's ever pitched

WV: And that one hit, on a Bush League single

RK: Which only speaks to his transcendent brilliance.


WV: Man, I feel like we should canonize somebody

RK: It's the Beaster spirit

WV: Bert's our patron saint

RK: Indeed.

WV: I wonder how many people Danks would've had to kill in order for the Hawk to think his outting wasn't "just wonderful"

RK: Good point

RK: Good to see wrecking Crain throwing strikes in the mid-90s

WV: It gone

RK: I need to shut my damn mouth

WV: Just need to get it to twitch n' pitch

RK: Joseph L. Nathan must be on his 2nd pot of coffee - it's cold out there!

WV: i imagine with the newest addition to his family he hasn't slept much either

RK: I don't want to see the bullpen meltdown continue from yesterday

RK: But let's be honest. The Bitch Sox guys are saying a lot of good things about the Twins and the organization and the managing style and philosophy

RK Should we feel guilty?

WV: As long as they do the "put it on the board...yes" and "he gone"

RK: Good point. These guys are more annoying than Jay Mariotti and Tony Reali put together.


WV: A former Royal, I can dig it

RK: There's a lot of former Royales with cheese on this team

RK: Uribe was weighed down with a Dostoevskian guilt

WV: Somebody's been slacking off during jumping jack drills

WV: Like the story of Torii's life, a little more patience on that swing and it would've been gone

RK: Very good point


RK: Well, all Joe O. Nathan has to do is go through the meat of their lineup

WV: Which averages 56 years of age.

RK: See, Twitch 'n' Pitch needs a Nic Cage from Con Air outlook: MUST GET HOME TO SEE MY KID

WV: And as you type that, he throws a strike

WV: Seeing Little Nicky must give him ominous premonitions of the toddler stage

RK: A groundball would be spectacular

WV: Right, this doesn't bode well.

RK: Nathan doesn't give up a lot of jacks so we'll see.

WV: Sit down Thome

RK: And you think to yourself how you could have stayed in Cleveland and had something special, but no, you wanted the 100 million dollar contract in Philly and now look at you: LOOK AT YOU

WV: He'll be forever known as the power hitter who probably never used steroids

RK: My heart jumped a little bit there

WV: It's nice when hanging breaking balls stay in the park

RK: You know the Hawk is sounding kind of defeated

WV: I am starting to feel bad.

RK: I know, it's hard to even feel schadenfreude right now

WV: Oh great.Total Bush League

RK: It all boils down to Anthony John's at bat

WV: Terry Ryan comes out on top of that trade...for the 200th time.


WV: I'll take a 4-1 record to start the year.

RK: Right, and Johan looked great for April

WV: Indeed he did, maybe he'll win 40 this year

RK: He'll probably even win games he doesn't pitch

WV: That is the power of Johan

RK: Indeed, so in Easter spirit, our bats haven't really been resurrected, but mid-season Johan has.

WV: Amen

Um, if you're talking about 'Grand' - the restaurant/shopping area in Saint Paul, it's actually "Grand Avenue'. Or maybe I'm missing something.
While the Twins shivered in Chicago, our family met for a late afternoon Easter lunch in Uptown. One missing member, who's in college way out in Los Angeles, called during our meal to let us know that Mr. Morneau had given the Twins the lead and that Mr. Santana had found his groove (and the ump had found the strike zone). It was a nice way to get the highlights if we couldn't watch or follow the PAB dialogue.

We did hear the first 2.5 innings and I swear I heard Gladden refer to our catcher *twice* as Morneau.
And didn't one of you fellows have a guest post over at Bat-Girl's heralded blog? It isn't there now. Care to enlighten us?
I concur with the V-8 Splash. Delicious. (I've got to start reading these exchanges during the actual game.)
Jim H: It'll be the next off day.
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