Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Tonight's pitching match-up is all about opposites. It's Hamlet vs. Sancho Panza, if you will. King Felix overpowers you with his 100 mph fastball and then breaks your ankles with a devastating curve ball.

Gordo blocks sunlight and deftly sneaks his 45 mph change-up past you.

That said, these two share one important similarity (apart from both being Venezuelan): Sub 1.00 ERAs. I suspect that this similarity has a good chance of surviving this evening, considering the Santana-esque performances by Hernandez and the ineptness of Seattle's line-up. In a way, these two opposites in the end prove the aphorism true by creating attraction. Or, if you need a visual:



TOP 1ST

Twins fans are never going to see a left fielder make a play like Ibañez for them this season. If the Undell tried to make a sliding stop, he'd not only tear his ACL but he'd also dislocate Kubel's knee through ESP.

Hmmm...two singles in a row. What is this tomfoolery you young lads have undertaken against the King.

Mauer 12-16 in his last 4 games, hey maybe he should sac bunt here.
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NOT!

You know, I compared him to Hamlet earlier, but I really think that if King Felix doesn't live up to his reputation tonight the collective Seattle psyche will take a serious turn for the melancholic.

Buehrle throws a no hitter. Big whup, wanna fight about it?

Meanwhile, we're scoring on King Felix's wildness. If this keeps up, he'll be more like one of Velazquez's bufoons. And you guessed it, I'm already the court jester.

You can bring the infield up, Seattle, at your own risk. If the good Dr. takes off one of your infielder's heads, you heard the warning here. And the irony, if that were to happen, would not be lost on me. Is it lost on you?

Right King Felix, look at the mound, bring out the trainer. The truth is brutal, your grandma's kugel. Is this what players do now when they're sucking it up? Oh...Mussina's on the DL? Right on.

I think it's an Axl Rose "bad vibes" sort of thing. No worries dude, just destroy the arena on your way out and royally piss of Metallica. I'll watch the "Behind The Music".

Hey, commenters: I agree, a total baby. Poor little Felix was apparently scared away by the big bad pirhanas. That Tyner, quite an imposing presence, I have to say. I sure hope he isn't seriously hurt or I might feel bad. This, is the beauty of live blogging. No edting, only retractions.

The M's catcher is singlehandedly making the title of that position a misnomer.

Well Hater Nation, you can't blame Kubel on that one. Ichiro must be Japanese for "slap single". Bet you thought I would say "fast". Or, "money". Well, if it weren't for him we might've put up 60 that inning.

BOTTOM 1ST
As is probably clear, RK is still temporarily out of action, and his presence is channeled and is absence is felt. If the Twins keep hitting I might keep him away (just kidding my friend).

Gordo looking good. The King Felix thing makes me think of when he got a tummy ache last season against the Rays and abruptly left. But I mean, at least he lasted until the 6th inning.

2ND INNING

I'd like to see Gordo retaliate by hitting one of them, but it would probably hurt the ball more than the batter.

Qob: Well, looks like Silva got it together, the test will be if he can keep it up. As the peanut gallery has pointed out repeatedly across the internet, 3 starts does not a rejuvenation make, but it's about the best the Twins could've hoped for coming out of Spring training.

Double steals are a lot like going to buy a pack of smokes and being offered a buy one/get one deal. Yeah yeah, I should quit. I'm just saying.

The speedy component of the Tri-partite Jasoncreature is making up for Little Nicky's excitability in the wake of his absense. Lucky for him, the good Dr. has just the proscription to make up for his sick baserunning. That line drive to right field is about the only place in the park that Ichiro can't get to.

TOP 3RD

I don't want to complain about the hitting, but dang, we'll be lucky if this game is over by next Thursday.

The Seattle commentators are going on and on: "I honestly saw nothing wrong with Felix's arm, he had good change-ups, his balls were breaking, the velocity was there..maybe it was his legs". And maybe Red Bull gives you wings and maybe being a subpar announcer for an even more subpar team makes you go blind.

Whew, good thing the roof is on tonight because that foul ball was headed for Alaska. I faintly recall Broussard being a decent prospect for Cleveland once, my how times change. Hell, Silva just hit 92 mph on that heater. Wait a second..what the hell IS going on?

BOTTOM 3RD

"Precautionary measure because he felt tightness in his right elbow". Uh oh. Maybe going for the no-no last week caused him to overexert or something of that nature?

It doesn't take an electron microscope to see that the Ichiro centerfield experiment is working pretty well. I think Torii's status as top AL centerfielder could be in doubt, but in the end it doesn't matter because so far this series:

Twins: 16
Seattle: 2

Jimmy/Qob: Y'all totally jinxed Silva.

My rendition of King Felix:



I honestly wonder how I would fare in a footrace with Rubick's Kubel. I'm not saying I can hit major league pitching, but the man runs like his legs are made out of uranium.

4TH INNING

I take back saying you guys jinxed Silva, he has to be one of the least likely players to ever throw a no-hitter. But then again, if Scott Erickson and Eric Milton can do it....

I was at the Eric Milton no-hitter, incidentally. Saw it with my own eyes; I wouldn't believe it actually happened otherwise. Ah yes, the good old days when the Twins use to pack 6,000 people into the Metrodome to see overrated pitchers school the Angels' Rookie League team.

The dejection coming from Seattle's TV crew is really disheartening. But come on, you can't go around comparing a 21 year old kid who is 18-18 in his career to Koufax and Marichel. I expect the hometown announcers to be somewhat subjective but come on.

Mound Visit
Redmond: Man, I'm so totally going commando and let me tell you, walking around naked is much better.
Silva: Yo no hablo inglés.
Redmond: Oh. Just throw a strike.

Roberto Clemente...err...Raul Ibanez scared me a little there. The way the camera shot up I was pretty sure we were staring down a 5-2 game.

5TH INNING
Santana v. Washburn tomorrow...unless Jared gets a hangnail.

What a great strategy that is: Pretend you've lost the ball in order to fool poor Dimples and double him up. Thespian strategy must run rampant in the Mariner system, as they're doing a splendid job playing a professional baseball team.

You know what, why doesn't Seattle just send everyone else home and send out just Ichiro every inning.

Well, our bats have again gone silent. Someone get Jobu a refill.

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Since I'm stuck with Seattle's crew, does anyone got any good Bert quotes for the evening?



IS



6TH INNING

Apparently Adrian Beltre is money too, but monopoly money, let's say. Discussing actual figures, we pay our 3rd baseman 300k while...you can about guess what Beltre is getting.

The Mariners folk are feigning concern over Castillo limping, but little do they know, that's how he walks.

That was quick. Seriously, somebody get Jobu to take fear from bats.

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2 on, 0 out, 3-1 count...what, worried? Me?
A pop up, of course I wasn't worried. Kubel didn't even have to run to the ball!

Tyner looks up, exclaims "go go gadget legs!" and gets to that rocket in deep center. Kubel, meanwhile, wonders if he remembered to turn off his coffeemaker.

Well, I guess Kubel didn't have to run to that one either. Damn. What we have here is a true test for Silva, how will he respond to some adversity. And he indeed gets the final out, so that's fine. Probably his last pitch of the evening, though.

7TH INNING

Our bats are without question still imbued with fear. What is it about left-handed pitching that stymies the Twins so much? The same thing happened when Mussina went out against the Yanks. We're rocking him, a lefty comes in, then nothing.

So, I'm not really in favor of bringing Carlos back out. You know, he's done plenty this season to suggest that he can go a 7th inning and get out of it somewhat safely. It's kind of like a cheating spouse--we may need an entire year of decency to rebuild the lost trust from 2006.

nteresting call here bringing in Guerrier in a pressure situation. Not exactly the sort of position Eyre-in Go Bragh! would've found himself in last year.

Bases loaded strike outs: They're Guerrierrrreeat!
Justin Morneau: Motherfucking MVP, bitches.

8TH INNING
Now that my heart has been succesfully resuscitated, consider this comparison of Seattle GM Bill Bavasi with another notable public figure:



Just saying. And by the way, Jobu's still waiting on that refill.

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Stacey: When I was in college, before the evolution of this wonderful network of internets, I was forced to follow along with gameday as well. It really wasn't so bad I thought, not as distracting as other forms of media and allows you to get things like homework done. As I've been blogging this mofo, I've typed...let's see....3 lines of a paper due very soon. Sigh.

Yawn.

9TH INNING

Anonymous: John Malkovich is definitely a closer representation of this guy. I was sort of hoping to intimate that the kind of egalitarian utopia Lenin envisioned is the same sort of world Bavasi thought of when he gave Jeff Weaver a bunch of money. Sadly, they're destined to meet similar fates.

The entombed in a glass case in the middle of the first Starbucks comment, dbbingo, is brilliant.

Well, I think Joe will bounce back. Save situations are his strong suit, right? I wouldn't want the Nathenest to become the Nathanless.

Bottom third of the Twins line-up this evening: 0-11. Throw in Redmond and the last 4 hitters are 1-15.

Come on Joe....you're just joshing us right. Don't turn me into Niestzche and have to proclaim that God is dead.

A little consistency in the strike zone would be peachy, at the moment it's dancing around home plate like Fred Astaire.

I can't tell if Castillo is mocking Ibanez or if he's really almost losing every pop-up that comes towards him.

POSTGAME

We now have an answer to an age old question: Scotty Ulger is not the worst 3rd base coach in the major leagues. Hey, a win is a win, right? Thank goodness Beltre has Kubel-itus and speedwalked his way toward home plate. Truly anti-climactic and climactic at the same time.