Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Let's Pool Our Money and Buy Some Runs


RK: I was thinking we could spare a little time to talk about the Don Imus thing.

WV: MSNBC has dropped the morning simulcast, and CBS should follow suit.

RK: Just a horrible, nasty thing to say.

WV: We try our hardest to see the lighter side of sports, but that doesn't mean we put our moral compass on the shelf.

RK: Yeah, and you can't just say "Oh well, my mistake, won't happen again; bad joke." How is that a joke? How can that be remotely funny? If he goes to rehab, I'm going to scream

WV: Right, it's not like there isn't a track record. I imagine you remember when it was said on his show that the Williams sisters were better suited for National Geographic than Playboy. I don't know that a "my mistake, won't happen again" will cut it. Nor should it, regardless of past precedent.

RK: Well put. Moving to baseball, do you think the Twins will decide to play baseball tonight?

WV: For the love of John Kruk I hope so. Maybe I'm delusional, but scoring 4 runs in the past 7 games combined isn't acceptable.

RK: Again, 2006 redux.

WV: I've got a good feeling about tonight, though based on nothing.

RK: the heart is deceitful above all things.


RK: Hey, Alexi Casilla's starting!

WV: I want to say, "Don't scare him!" but we've overstretched that characterization

RK: He shall be called "Sandcastle"

WV: How hard to you think the Yanks are envisioning Sinn Fein in pinstripes?

RK: Hm, he might not yet be old enough to fit their desire to have a CF over 38.

WV: The 1st inning is going too smoothly for my tastes.

RK: Everybody Loves Raymoan has been efficient so far.

WV: Might he be... the right Ortiz? Any bit of promise has me going overboard.

RK: I understand. I'm going overboard because I get to meet Nancy Fraser tomorrow. But I'll stop geeking out.


WV: You know, I should apologize to our readers, I'm running out of material for hitting futility.

RK: Well there's only one batter down, but you're right; historically the Twins don't have a great deal of success against Mossimo Mussina

WV: And neither does Ichiro against Dice K, if the battle of the rising sun interests you.


WV: I almost feel like MLB should charge me a few million for the right to watch it.

RK: We are honored.

WV: Is Nicky skipping to first?

RK: I think he knows he got away with something.

WV: And he's so very excitable to begin with.

RK: Maybe he found 5 dollars in the parking lot.

WV: Joe, that's the opposite of getting it done.


RK: Everybody Loves Raymoan is looking pretty good out there.

WV: Sit down, Mr. April!

RK: Kaiser, there's something to be said for grounding out. I'm not sure what yet. Don't take it to second wind just yet!

WV: And just like that it's over, and the Twins weren't even up to bat.


RK: Uncontrollable Id, you're right, he should be fired.

WV: And we think the ugly factor has to do with the Yankees not taking anybody younger than 38.

RK: Rodriguez has purple lips.

WV: I have to believe that the Gardy Barking commercial has jinxed our bats.

RK: That sounds reasonable and testable and a matter of empirical analysis. I'll run a multivariate regression

WV: You know those kinds of terms are fightin' words 'round these parts. Statistical analysis....get over yourself.

RK: I have to do it to be a real live political scientist.

WV: Dazzle goes, "I was just writing myself a note, Mussina is a right-handed Kenny Rogers." You think that gem was scribbled next to, "Taco Bell is a Mexican McDonalds!"

RK: That's funny, I was just writing a note, "Coffee beans make coffee!"

WV: Thank God for papyrus or this evolution of mental activity would never be recorded.

RK: Dan "The Dazzle Man" Gladden - doing the heavy thinking so you don't hurt yourself.

RK: Sinn Fein explodes one through the gap!

RK: Y'know how Mussina does that swan dip thing?

WV: Yeah

RK: I think of a feed bag being there and he's going down for a mouthful of slop

WV: If nothing else, he's had to go to the trough a number of times this half inning.

RK: Haha, Bert's taking shots at Sid Hartman

WV: I love that man. There's a reason he's our namesake

RK: Our guy wuz robbed, I tells ya!

WV: Cano has solved the Rubik's Kubel. Sinn Fein stranded. Connection to IRA doubted.


RK: I always forget that Larry "feather" Bowa is a coach for the Janky Lo-Fis

WV: The Red Sox and Dice K are 9 outs from being no hit. Just saying.

RK: Well now that won't happen. But Felix is something, huh? Kaiser, soon he may move to short.

WV: Jerry Bell, currently visiting with Gordo and Dazzle, seems to do all of Pohlad's dirty work. I imagine him looking a lot like Smithers.

RK: And I imagine Pohlad calling movies "talkies"

WV: And couches "davenports"

RK: Isn't that a town in North Dakota? Oh yeah, Everybody Loves Raymoan does his thing


RK: Heavy-hitting LROD in the DH spot.

RK: And I'm starting to detect some piranta action.

WV: Sandcastle, looking like a veritable Big Leaguer.

RK: I want to see a double steal.

WV: I'll bet you anything Bert is totally in favor of this bunt.

RK: Oh you are absolutely right. Sister Jensen, that's just eerie.

WV: What's happening?

RK: Um, Mussina has apparently come up lame. And the fans are crying for him

WV: Peachy, a guy we can get hits off of and now a lefty comes in.

RK: Luckily the Yankees have a bullpen that may as well just be called "The Sieve"

WV: Maybe Mussina went all Axl Rose and felt "bad vibes."

RK: What, I didn't know Sean Hannity was a pitcher

WV: Sean Henn, just having wrapped up the sequel to 21 Grams, strolls to the mound.

RK: The Little Red Henn can see the sky falling

WV: We could keep this up all night. But that wouldn't be fair. Henn-ce, we'll stop.

RK: I wonder how Jeter's neck replacement went. I bet he just chomped on a foot of leather and didn't get any anesthetic.

WV: Say what you want about the still hitless Red Sox, at least our bullpen doesn't have JC Romero and JD Durbin... I stand by my resistance to the bunt.

RK: Solidarity. Not Lech Walessa/Adam Michnik Solidarity. Generic solidarity

WV: Words can't describe the anger.

RK: I guess the neck replacement went well. Uncontrollable Id, I hope I'm that guy someday. Someday. A boy can dream.


RK: Let's just hope Ortiz can make it through the order again as well as the first time 'round

WV: Or not.

RK: Luckily, Damon can't run. Ground ball would be just great here.

WV: now without question the right Ortiz.

RK: Schadenfreudefest

WV: "How dare you want your team to win!"

RK: Strikes, Raymoan. Throw strikes. Alright, Mr. April needs to act like Alex Rodriguez in October here

WV: Well I'll take that. As long as Raymoan gets the third out.

RK: Then it'll be acceptable damage.

WV: Apparently, the steroids make Giambi's sweat glands overproduce


RK: Why is Mauer bunting to Hennypenny?

WV: He's all mixed up, don't know what to do

RK: Wow, somehow, I feel like I'm 14 again.

RK: *offense dearth*

WV: *syringe filled with chlorox to my cartoid artery*


RK: Something I never thought I'd say: I'm finding my rays of hope in Raymoan Ortiz


RK: Kaiser, those are all very good names for Hennessee Williams

WV: Kubel's looking alright

RK: I'm cautiously optimistic.

WV: Kubel runs like a Mack truck.

RK: The pirantas must come through.

WV: Somebody, anybody.

RK: That reminds me of a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song

WV: Oh for God's sake.


RK: At this point, Raymoan must feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. And the offense are his parents. Shut up, this analogy will work.

WV: If Ortiz loses this game, everyone on the team owes him Jimmy John's

RK: Or some backseat lovin'. Oh sandcastle, it must be high tide, dropping that throw

WV: Ha. He's not King of his Castillo yet.

RK: But Hunter picks him up, which you want to see. I'd also like to see some hits to the outfield.


WV: Is Nicky doing cartwheels?

RK: Yeah, he tumbled into 2nd

WV: If we can't score here---then we seriously are in trouble.

RK: Hell of a sacrifice, Joe. You'll remember Ortiz's birthday yet

WV: A right hander a day won't keep the Proctor away.

RK: The run must score. And the spice must flow.

WV: I'm so going to poke Cuddy on Facebook.

RK: And I'm gonna buy him a pizza

WV: But still, 1 run in 6 innings isn't worthy of celebration. Not to mention 1 run on 7 hits.

RK: Yeah, that's still a possible dearth of offense.


WV: I don't want to jinx anything, but Ortiz thus far looks like another Terry Ryan gem. Optimism springs eternal.

RK: Whoda thought the starting pitching would be the strength at the beginning of the season?

WV: Alex Rodriguez, ouch.

RK: Made him look pretty stupid

WV: Have I mentioned lately how much I'll miss Hunter when he's gone?

RK: Kaiser, that is unfortunate. But too bad for him his legs will be gone in a couple of years.

WV: Maybe Ortiz and Santana have a little sidebet going on about who's gonna be the better pitcher.

RK: Yeah, it might go something like:

RAYMOAN: Jo, I'm thinking we should see who'll get more Wins, Ks, and who has the lowest ERA this year.

EL PRESIDENTE: Do you... know... who I am? But yes, you may aspire to my heights. I will be your father figure.

RAYMOAN: Will you be the one who loves me... till the end of ti-eem?



WV: The whole "one swing of the bat" aphorism seems like it applies to the Yankees a lot more than the Twins at this juncture.

RK: Right, more like "3 swings of the bat, a wild pitch and a fielding error"

WV: Pretty much everything we've ever done is coming back to haunt us.

RK: I have so much negative karma that everybody associated with me feels it

WV: We won the MVP, so Jeter becomes Ozzie Smith. We dump Dougie for the MVP, he turns into a starter

RK: See Minnesota "Be good but not that good" ethos. We're paying for all the success of last year

WV: Until he proves me wrong, this is the good doctor's fault.

RK: Now that, my friend, is harsh.


RK: Kubel has a path to fly balls that nobody else can see or make sense of except bumblebees

WV: Haha, bumblebee. That's brilliant.

RK: He just jitterbugs out there for a while and then catches the ball... so long as it's hit right at him.

WV: Well, it's been a while since he's walked, so the whole one foot in front of the other bit is coming along slowly.

WV: Raymoan has gone 8 innings on approximately 12 pitches.

RK: Have we drunk the Everybody Loves Raymoan Kool-Aid? Hm?


WV: Castillo even makes walking look painful.

RK: But hell of a steal.

WV: A solid base knock would be brilliant here.

RK: Yep. That's baseball.

WV: Indeed.

RK: Joe Mauer is an amazing man.

WV: He puts the grand in Grand Avenue

RK: And Kyle Farnsworth apparently still thinks he's with the Cards.

RK: I'm glad the offense finally showed up to the game

WV: The stress is back on the first syllable of offense.

RK: The MVP has had enough of this oh-fer shit.

WV: That makes at least three of us.

RK: Sinn Fein has been lending out a bunch of carbombs. But he saved one for himself.

WV: So do you bring in Nathan or stick with Ortiz?

RK: But I say if they score another run, let Ortiz go for it

WV: The Janky Lo-Fis bring in serial killer Michael Myers

RK: And he kills the rally.


RK: Oh Joe, this is not how I wanted to see things start.

WV: A groudball must be induced.

RK: *whistles*

WV: Ground rule double.

RK: Again with the ground balls. Do you walk him?

WV: Popping him up is better.

RK: Right. I get like, Puntostyle jittery in situations like this.

WV: Whew


Well, well, well. It certainly would've been criminal to let that Ramon "For now, A Similar" Ortiz performance go to waste. Lucky for the Minnesota nine, a trip to Jimmy John's will not be necessary. Let's just hope that, for future reference, they try to make a habit out of what they did in the bottom of the 8th.

Who wants to get a pool going? Which infielder will Joe Joe ground out to?

I'm taking my Swing Right into 2nd Wind in the morning.
Don Imus is a douche and should be fired. And blacklisted for all time. The world would not miss his influence on the airwaves.

Torii isn't ugly enough to play for the Yankees.

That's me; all objectivity, all the time.

Nice K, A-Rod. Lifts my sprits.
The "thing to be said about grounding out" is.....STOP IT! Who knew Swing Right was actually short for Swing Right to the Second Baseman Repeatedly.
Funny you should mention "davenports"..and ND....Davenport is actually right by Fargo, in the Kindred best friend is from there... and my mom is from by Davenport, IA...and that concludes my useless info about towns called Davenport
Ray-moan through the lineup once with no damage. We'll see how round two goes.

As for the Red Sox and their Golden Calf...MA HA HA HA HA

And am I wrong, or does Andy Pettitte look like some powerful, scary Roman official? I was calling him Pontius last night.

And I saw a guy in a Blyleven jersey today. In the snow. No coat. Well done, sir.
You guys forgot:
Henn and Teller
Of Mice and Henn
ray mon is pitching well again great to see somebody other then Santana be consistent.

Speaking of Santana SI is reporting talks have stalled with him after offering him 2 yrs @ 18 mil a year. 08' is last year with the twinkies?
FREAKING KUBEL, for a slight second he gave me hope with a hit, then the next thing he shows he is worth crap running the bases. TRADE HIM TERRY, TRADE HIM!!!!!!!!
It's a Shame About Raymoan is only vulnerable to the Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder tonight.
Is Ray-moan going to do a complete game? I think he may have the juice and with our bullpen a little on the weakside tonight... thoughts?
Images of Brenden Fraser and Pauly Shore.....
BERT: "I still sense that Torii is going deep tonight"

Torii hits it off the wall..

DICK: "Off the wall!"

BERT: "That's deep!"

Bert actually called something right....

Where do you go to school in Virginia? I'm the only Twins fan I know of at VTech, and if you're near here, we should get to a bar and watch the game.

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