Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Pettitte Shop Boys (Or, "How To Sell Your Soul To Steinbrenner Twice")


RK has a late class, so you're all stuck with me for the time being. And no, this won't be like Garth without Wayne. Once upon a time not so long ago, Mr. Pettitte had an approval rating similar to the Anti-Christ from Kalamazoo's--might we say, he was the Beelzebub from Baton Rouge. In any case, his much heralded return to college-home Houston wasn't so magnificent after posting a 4.20 ERA last year and failing to lead the 'Stros to the playoffs. Naturally, the Yanks shelled out 16 million clams to bring another aging, declining pitcher...uhh..home. I suppose that whenever someone gives you that amount of incentive to go somewhere you can call that place whatever you want to.

The Lookalikes Who Happen To Be Siblings have Bonser and Herzegovina going, and after Pontoon last night, the Metrodome's mound has had a couple of stressful days. As long as the Garza Strip remains in Rochester, the Boof is our only opportunity to uneasily make light of war torn countries.


How about that, a left fielder who can run AND catch. The Twins are truly blessed. The fact that Boof can even retire
Abreu is an improvement from last night.

So, A-Rod might overcome Hank Aaron's record before Bonds does. And if you're reading this in Duluth, that ball might have landed in your back yard. One of those "fool me once shame on me fool me twice shame on you" sort of things. The 3-1 changeup was a pleasant surprise, the 3-2 changeup down the heart of the plate was a damn Christmas present.

But hey, we've improved from last night right? Tomorrow Ray-moan will only give up a one-run blast in the first.


RK: Class let out early so we can all rest easy.

WV:Anyways, you're right. Mr. April has lived up to his reputation.

RK: He will soon revert to his usual self. Though I must admit I feel a little sorry for the guy. But again, then I look at his contract and promptly stop

WV: Hey, we all have our crosses to bear.

WV: We, for instance, have to watch this pathetic display of hitting.

RK: But it's good to see that Derek Jeter is currently sharing the lead for AL E6s

WV: He and the Pear King are running neck and neck. The only difference, Jeter's is falling off.

RK: It's time for Global Warming to jack one

RK: This umpire's strike zone is a little wacky

WV: I must be missing something, are we using whiffle ball bats.

RK: These guys need to start thinking outside the infield.

WV: Or outside the [batter's] box. Man, I am so alone.


RK: Josh Rabe's foaming at the mouth... for a chance to play

WV: Kubel would just now be realizing that he's playing left field, at least Rabe got to the base hitl eventually.

RK: Oh, Punto's leap there was priceless. That's how excitable he is

WV: Poor Nicky, so delusional. Thinks he's taller, thinks he has a vertical leap...and thinks he's a homerun hitter

RK: He wishes he was a little bit taller, he wishes he was a baller...

WV: If he had a girl who looked good...

RK: I have a friend back in Jersey who was adamant about calling Melky Cabrera "Melky Way." Which is about as awesome as "fetch" in Mean Girls. Yeah, I've seen it. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

WV: Nice.

WV: The fact that Yanks regulary play Dougie Baseball is kind of like RJ Reynolds' anti-smoking ads.

WV: "See...we're..uh....not so bad."

RK: It just displays their embarrassment of riches

RK: "See, we don't need a hitting first basemen," it's like a voluntary handicap

WV: Right, a lot like my tendency to watch videos on You Tube instead of reading my homework.

RK: I sure hope Carl Lewis' acting career takes off


RK: Cuddly McDimples needs to shave his goatee

RK: God I was nervous. Cuddy was running the bases

WV: Let's hope he doesn't steal home.

RK: Looks like the Yanks have been reading some scouting reports. Or not living on Neptune.

WV: That pickoff throw was closer than it should have been

RK: So his mind wanders. So does mine

RK: Rabe sounds like a vegetable. Like kale or something. Put some rabe in that gumbo, won't you?

WV: It is in fact a vegetable. But a leafy green, so I don't feel like we should've known that one.

RK: Wow, I've internalized nomenclature etymology. Nothing can stop me now

WV: Not even a leadoff double.

RK: Maybe they could donate their bats for dugout barrel fires in Cleveland so they can stay warm over there - our offense clearly isn't using theirs

RK: Well Atreyu's up, so I'm gonna go grill a steak. Should have time to see the second half of the AB when I'm done

WV: Neverending Story, a little obsure.

RK: Perhaps I need to emphasize it. The dragon yells it in the film: atreeeeeyuuuu!

WV: So did you get that blood over your doorway before Passover ended today?

RK: No, I lost my firstborn, but that was all part of the plan... moving on.


RK: Y'know what I wouldn't mind right now? A game of Battletoads

WV: Did the Twins bat there?

RK: I'm not sure

WV: I have about as much of a chance breaking a sweat iming you as Pettitte does tonight

RK: I mean, existentially, there were men standing in the batter's box

RK: But whether or not they were "batting" is a trickier question


WV: How about we make this post a Proustian exercise in recuperating a time when the Twins scored runs

RK: Whoa, it's like the inverse of the production of space through time

WV: Time through space. We're on to something

WV: Since MLB.com is a total prick and blacking me out from tv and not letting the Twins feed work, I'm stuck with the Yankees announcers.

RK: I know the feeling; courage, courage

WV: And as they're going to commercial they go, "Through 3 and a half...I guess they're saying Boof not boo huh..Yanks up 3"

WV: Smart as a tack that John Sterling.

RK:He has a hard time ordering food at restaurants I bet

WV: Wow a pirhana did what a pirhana is supposed to do.

RK: The pirantas are hungry perhaps. Time to feed off the fat of Giambi I mean the land

WV: This is how the offense tsunami builds

WV: DP, Excellent.

RK:And that's how you kill it


RK: We have hard decisions

RK: For instance: watch this offense, or chew shards of glass?

WV: or saw off my pinky with the edge of a nickel

RK: So do you think Pettite paints Posada's nails for him?

WV: Walking Dougie Baseball on 4 pitches is inexcusable.

RK: Oh absolutely

RK: Oh let's let the bottom of the order do whatever it wants

WV: So you wanna go watch Lifetime movies or something?

RK: Or say... drink paint?

WV: This 3 run shot seems on par with a punishment for walking Dougie Baseball on 4 pitches.

WV: I'm pretty sure they're saying "boo" now. Let's make a list of things that haven't gone wrong yet

RK: Basically, and then the Pear King threw the ball underground

RK: No passed balls. The end.

WV: Wow, stealing when up by 6. Jeter's got intangibles.

RK: Well said. We'll just leave that alone

WV: I need a Joycian epiphany right about now, put all this misery in perspective.

RK: I need to find five dollars

WV: I hope that before they unveil the stadium design they think to move the fences back a few feet.

RK: Well, time for the wrecking Crain to come in

WV: So all the worrying about starting pitching in Spring Training wasn't totally unfounded huh

RK: But the Twins always struggle in the early season games against the Yanks
Unless Rocket Bats is pitching


RK: Well, at least half of this game is going really fast

WV: At this point the Twins offense isn't worthy of my wit.

WV: It's insults from here on out.

RK: I'm taking a break to tend to my cuticles

WV: I'm correcting tests, my students are going to wish that the Twins were doing better tomorrow.

RK: That is harsh, my friend. In the comments, just write, "How do you like Andy Pettite now?!"

WV: The Beelzebub from Baton Rouge is turning me into Cotton Mather

RK: I'm trying to distract myself. I just reorganized my shoes in the closet according to dressiness

RK: But let's be honest, that was a brilliantly executed double play. Dare I hope that emboldens the bats?

WV: Believe it or not, the Pear King is sometimes thought of as a Major League shortstop.


RK: Sometimes I think I see cracks in the Dick/Bert relationships

WV: Dick must be somewhat jealous don't you think?

RK: When Dick said, "Y'know, since Clemens left, the Yankees haven't..." and Bert interrupted, "Won a World Series." There was a pause long enough where you could imagine Dick looking over at Bert with an eyebrow cocked

WV: Watching fastballs go past you down the middle of the plate must hold some advantage that I'm unaware of.

RK: For me it would, but that's because I lack that intangible... no wait, a tangible. Talent.

WV: The fact that I've been expecting Eyre'n Go Bragh! to trot out of the bullpen a lot lately is not good news.

RK: Death Metal was warming up, so we'll probably see him

WV: Well, if the Cleveland score holds up we'll be out of first.

WV: I was uncomfortable being in first outside of the last day of the season, anyways.

RK: Yeah, clawing back in is more our style

RK: Wow. Wow. That was an amazing strikeout of Johnny Damon

RK: Speaking of, funniest thing re: Damon in Fenway, "Looks like Jesus, throws like Mary, acts like Judas". That tickled the Catholic school upbringing in me

WV: This MLB blackout is a blessing in disguise.

RK: Sweet Lord, Neshek looks really good this inning. It's the little things at this point, but I want to focus on this right now


WV: It's making me smug that we're giving Yankee Nation a false sense of security about their starting pitching.

RK: Exactly. Enjoy it now!

WV: The Yanks announcers are quite in-depth: "Posada is at the mound, presumably telling Proctor something"

WV: First of all, no shit. Second, nice analysis.

RK: I want his job

WV: Shelley: There's certainly enough Boof there to stretch over an open air stadium. As for the use of scantrons, I dig them. They're nice and reliable. If only pregnancy tests produced so few false-positives....

RK: Does the length of this game prove Einstein's theory of relativity?

RK: Ha. It does. I think that even if MLB doesn't, we should have a mercy rule.

WV: Rubick's Kubel puts us on the board

RK: God bless him, every single member of the Jasoncreature

WV: You'd think the Yanks announcers were paid by a team from Western Montana: "Now in the game, Aleck-sigh Cahsilla"

RK: John Gordon should have a legal monopoly on slaughtering names

WV: It is, apparently, vital to his making a living

RK: I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but 2 out rallies are a tenet of RAGNAROK

RK: ...Y'know, for future reference. Long-term. Right

WV:Definitely, long term.

RK: Hopefully, I can continue to focus on good bullpen pitching with Joowan

WV: It's much more pleasant to watch the game and listen to the Scissor Sisters. Everything's happier when you do that

RK: Joowan looks good.

WV: Well... sort of. Compared to the offense, absolutely.


I'm commandeering the rest of this beast. Be warned! WV has to deal with issues to maintain domestic tranquility. And before I know it, there's a man on first! Good play by Casilla.

LNP got a little too eager there. Might have been able to get Jeter even if he didn't try to barehand it.

Let's talk about something else. I have to write some papers. Any ideas?

I just don't want to watch Reyes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting down on my boys, but what is it about the Yankees at the beginning of the year? Or anybody at the beginning of the year? I'd much rather get off to a scorching start.

I just want to end this now, but I won't! I stick with it till the bitter horrible end.

Jensen: ouch.

Shelley: if you could devise a way to make a political theory test multiple choice, you'd be the first. And then tell me, because I'd be all over that.

10-1, whatever.


Anybody get "West End Girls" stuck in their head when they read the title of this post?

Anybody get the Neverending Story references?

I'm looking for some feedback here.


This game was a failure on virtually every level, and even though I sound gloomy, that's just my disposition. We've still got a lot of games to play, the pitching is better than it looks right now, and eventually the bats will come to life. As for me, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my night at a tavern with a black and tan and a pile of quarters for pool.

Posada painted his nails...how cute! (I know it's so that the pitchers can see his signs...but come on...you just HAVE to comment on that)
Always go with the scantron tests... not the best way of assessing students, but it's fast as hell!

By the time I'm a teacher I'll be watching games that are played in the new stadium... and hopefully Mauer and Santana.

On that note... the stadium design is going to be released on Thursday. Any chance they'll surprise the fanbase with a retractable Boof... er, roof? We may end up like Cleveland...
I'm regretting my decision to put the Twins pitching staff as my starter this week instead of the Yankees pitching staff in fantasy...deeply regretting..I'm not getting any points do to the wonderful -45 point performance our pitching staff has done...grrr..
I feel like this is a high school game....we're getting our butt's kicked, let's clear the bench and give everyone a chance
You know...once you mentioned it, that song totally goes with the title...and is now stuck in my head....thanks...
Wow, am I glad I didn't see that game. One of these days, maybe we'll figure out how to pitch and/or hit vs. the Yanks. Maybe.

On the plus side, Battletoads is easily one of my favorite NES games ever. It's one of the few things that could make me unhook the Wii and hook up the old-school NES, at least until it's available on the Wii's Virtual Counsel. Then it shall be mine. Have either of you beaten that game? I can now do so regularly, but then again, the game was released about 15 years ago.
Err, Virtual Console. Being a lawyer means I screw that one up every time.
I must be totally devoid of character. That must be it. Which is odd, because I always thought I had at least a LITTLE character, but maybe it can leak away without my being aware of it. In any case, the universe is clearly attempting to rebuild my depleted stock of character by putting me through as many soul-curdling experiences as possible in one week. Personally, I'd think that all the school shit that's going down during the day would supply me with enough character to last me for at least the next three or four years, but apparently the universe thinks otherwise, what with all the baseball BS that happens in the evenings after I've spent the day trying to figure out the rest of my life. Lately I've tuned into the games, looking for some sort of satisfaction in what are rather demoralizing days, only to have my hopes shattered like a marshmallow dunked in liquid nitrogen and then dropped on the floor. So if we could get back to where we started last week so I don't actually turn to liquor as my only reliable form of escapism, I'd appreciate it.
After the Pontoon's outing the other night a group on Facebook was brought to my attention... it's called the Matt Garza Countdown...where you and others can discuss what day they'll be calling up the Garza Strip...hopefully soon....
I started to laugh last night while watching the game because it was almost funny to see the Twins losing so badly...it hurts, though. Hopefully, Ray-moan can go out there and prove to us that veteran starting pitchers don't always suck at the beginning of the year.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?