Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Pontoon On Life Support


Well, if you lose consecutive starts to the Royals, even if you're Johan Santana you should be fired. This is where Pontoon could find himself after tonight's game, but no worries--he'll always have his aqua velva and kentucky fried chicken endorsement deals to fall back on.

It's a shame the Twins can't hit in place of the Royals, if that were so we'd make Ponson a regular Sandy Koufax.

But that isn't so, and as I write that Mike Sweeney blasts a hanging breaking ball into the cheap seats in left field. Is it too much to ask for a lead, at some point, in any game? We'll be seeing Perkins and/or Guerrier soon.


Hey Perez, that 8.64 ERA? No worries, we got you covered.

Maybe we should quit wondering about stress reactions and starting asking ourselves where to upgrade the assbats.


Jensen: I'd have to agree with you there. Here's my pictorial description:

You decide.


I hope this blast from Sinn Fein reveals the true colors of Odalis Perez--you can only give people Jim Beam for so long before they realize it's not Glenlivet.


Please, for the love of Jeebus, make Pontoon waste lots of pitches Pena. You have no idea how much of a favor you're doing us by running up the pitch count.

It's a shame Bert isn't running the Twins, I have a feeling Ponson would be trying to catch on with the Salvadorian Summer League instead of pitching for a major league ballclub.

Bert: "I've stayed up all night asking myself 'why'?"

Bert Blyleven is a man of the people.

I don't think Ponson is good enough to pitch for the damn F-M Redhawks.

Casilla fucked with DeJesus and ended up face planting the turf. In any case, you never want "big double play" and Kansas City Royals in the same sentence.


Hey Hater Nation, I know you don't want to hear this, but it looks like Kubel's bat is coming around, despite that flair out.

"Even Bartlett has experienced success against Perez." Oh Dick...even Barlett...that's harsh when Bremer disses you.

The Pear King says, "Fuck you very much Bremer" and lofts a single to right field.

You know when you say, "That washed up star? He's probably selling insurance somewhere." Boy do I feel bad for both Al Newman and his employer Aflac. I guess Ponson knows who to contact for his next career opportunity.

Alexi not having good at-bats. Whenever Castillo comes back, better pack your bags buddy. More like CasillAAA.

Christ, is anyone having good at bats?


The one, and I mean the one advantage of Ponson: His girth blocks any hit within a 10 block radius. The bad news? The fatty layer protects him from getting hurt and leaving the game.

I'm not Ponson apologist, but this ump's strike zone is dancing around home plate like Dean Martin.

Kubel, borrowing Rondell's hoverboard, makes a nice catch there. Maybe from now on KC should just start with people on 1st and 2nd since Ponson seems to prefer it that way.


Dan: You know, if you could combine the two teams, jettisoning most of the Twins' hitters and losing most of the Rangers' pitchers, you'd have quite a squad.

You know what guys, I got nothing.



Dan: That's pretty harsh when you've got both Lofton and Sosa. Maybe the Twins should go on their own archaeological dig and unearth the remains of Otis Nixon and Roberto Kelly.

Temporary suspension of strike: 100 pitches for the pontoon, no one warming up. It's kind of like when I drove my '87 Olds Cutlass into the ground before ditching it, which I literally did on the side of I-94 when it finally broke down. Apparently, that's illegal, as I got a notice from your friendly neighborhood state patrol a couple of months later of some sort of fine. Either way, it was worth it. Let's pitch Ponson until his elbow goes all Frank Viola on us and he never has to subject anyone to his pitching again.




I'd like to think that the recent stirring of the bats has something to do with my blogging strike, but I doubt it. Anyways, in comes Sir Duckworth, and warming up next for KC, Mr. Belvedeere.

Congratulations Duckworth, you're the Joe Mays of 2007.

Or the Johan Santana. Back on strike.


You know you're slow when 72 year old Reggie Sanders is brought in to run for you.

Punto is now the second person Bert has referred to as a cat this game, after Casilla earlier. If Dick keeps making cracks about how old he is, Bert might just refer to Bremer as a fucking asshole.

These casinos and their senior nights: "Hey, come blow all the money you spent your whole life saving up so your good for nothing kids can't inherit it".

And Death Metal rocks on.


Casilla does the old Ichiro move there and is halfway to Duluth before the ball reaches first.

0-2 tonight, Mauer doesn't really have his mo-Joe working tonight but hey I'll take a walk. The Royals probably know that Cuddy salivates over the possibility of hitting into a double play with the game on the line.

Fucking Cuddy.






How convenient, I don't even have to change who is buried tonight. Silver lining people, silver lining.

So earlier today I was talking to my friend Eric, who is enjoying Dollar Dog/College Student night currently...and I mentioned that Pontoon scares me...and his response was.."yeah, alcoholic fat asses with a jheri curl dripping out from under their hat usually scares me too"... couldn't of described the pontoon any better.
Sweeney Todd -- the butcher of Twins pitching.
Haha...I love the pictorial...
Though I feel Ponson-bashing may become somewhate blase in the near future, I was actually pleasantly surprised to find that Ponson had only given up 2 runs through 3 innings. To put that in perspective, I was happy that Ponson had a 6.67 ERA against the worst team in baseball. That's already a feeling I have far too often following my other team, the Rangers. I don't need it when I follow the Twins as well.

So I'm taking the long-term view and hoping for Ponson to get shellacked so he can go eat his way through AAA for a while.
Regardless of how much Ponson-bashing we want to do--we need to look at the bigger picture--these Twins couldn't buy a fucking hit, let alone a run.........pretty soon I'm going to start watching Dancing with the Stars and American Idol........
In any other year that would be true, but this year the Rangers' lineup is actually worse than the Twins'.

Michael Young is hitting .171
Mark Teixeira, the former home run derby champion, is hitting .229 with NO HOME RUNS
Hank Blalock is hitting .246
And those are our good hitters!

Our lineup is so bad that we have Sammy friggin' Sosa DHing and we went to Egypt, dug up Kenny Lofton's Mummified Corpse, and stuck it in center field. If it weren't for Ian Kinsler suddenly turning into A-Rod, Jr., I'm not sure the Rangers would have a win.
I blinked and the next thing I know, Casilla is at 3rd....damn that boy has some wheels...
I'm pretty sure Pedro Munoz is a free agent right now. Just sayin'.
And here at the end of the 6th inning, the Twins have managed to avoid the horrifying possibility of scoring any significant runs. Yes, with the base loaded and no outs, we managed to score ONE run. And now are safely out of the inning - that was close, if you didn't know the Twins, you might have thought we had a chance to score.
while you're on strike, I recommend the website HA-larious!
I have to admit...I do like the running swing Casilla has going's amusing to watch
Sigh. Well, it could be worse. We could be Yankees fans.
Games like this one (and the last one) make me mutter.

"Ragnarok...long-range. Ragnarok...long range."

Or, if I can yet again bring up I Heart Huckabees, the Existential Detectives:

"It all comes back around, Bernard, like you say, take the long view."
"Long view."

Right? Right?
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