Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME/1ST INNING

Well, if you lose consecutive starts to the Royals, even if you're Johan Santana you should be fired. This is where Pontoon could find himself after tonight's game, but no worries--he'll always have his aqua velva and kentucky fried chicken endorsement deals to fall back on.

It's a shame the Twins can't hit in place of the Royals, if that were so we'd make Ponson a regular Sandy Koufax.

But that isn't so, and as I write that Mike Sweeney blasts a hanging breaking ball into the cheap seats in left field. Is it too much to ask for a lead, at some point, in any game? We'll be seeing Perkins and/or Guerrier soon.

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Hey Perez, that 8.64 ERA? No worries, we got you covered.

Maybe we should quit wondering about stress reactions and starting asking ourselves where to upgrade the assbats.

2ND INNING

Jensen: I'd have to agree with you there. Here's my pictorial description:



You decide.

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I hope this blast from Sinn Fein reveals the true colors of Odalis Perez--you can only give people Jim Beam for so long before they realize it's not Glenlivet.

3RD INNING

Please, for the love of Jeebus, make Pontoon waste lots of pitches Pena. You have no idea how much of a favor you're doing us by running up the pitch count.

It's a shame Bert isn't running the Twins, I have a feeling Ponson would be trying to catch on with the Salvadorian Summer League instead of pitching for a major league ballclub.

Bert: "I've stayed up all night asking myself 'why'?"

Bert Blyleven is a man of the people.

I don't think Ponson is good enough to pitch for the damn F-M Redhawks.

Casilla fucked with DeJesus and ended up face planting the turf. In any case, you never want "big double play" and Kansas City Royals in the same sentence.

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Hey Hater Nation, I know you don't want to hear this, but it looks like Kubel's bat is coming around, despite that flair out.

"Even Bartlett has experienced success against Perez." Oh Dick...even Barlett...that's harsh when Bremer disses you.

The Pear King says, "Fuck you very much Bremer" and lofts a single to right field.

You know when you say, "That washed up star? He's probably selling insurance somewhere." Boy do I feel bad for both Al Newman and his employer Aflac. I guess Ponson knows who to contact for his next career opportunity.

Alexi not having good at-bats. Whenever Castillo comes back, better pack your bags buddy. More like CasillAAA.

Christ, is anyone having good at bats?

4TH INNING

The one, and I mean the one advantage of Ponson: His girth blocks any hit within a 10 block radius. The bad news? The fatty layer protects him from getting hurt and leaving the game.

I'm not Ponson apologist, but this ump's strike zone is dancing around home plate like Dean Martin.

Kubel, borrowing Rondell's hoverboard, makes a nice catch there. Maybe from now on KC should just start with people on 1st and 2nd since Ponson seems to prefer it that way.

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Dan: You know, if you could combine the two teams, jettisoning most of the Twins' hitters and losing most of the Rangers' pitchers, you'd have quite a squad.

You know what guys, I got nothing.

5TH INNING

ON BLOGGING STRIKE UNTIL TWINS SHAPE UP

Dan: That's pretty harsh when you've got both Lofton and Sosa. Maybe the Twins should go on their own archaeological dig and unearth the remains of Otis Nixon and Roberto Kelly.

Temporary suspension of strike: 100 pitches for the pontoon, no one warming up. It's kind of like when I drove my '87 Olds Cutlass into the ground before ditching it, which I literally did on the side of I-94 when it finally broke down. Apparently, that's illegal, as I got a notice from your friendly neighborhood state patrol a couple of months later of some sort of fine. Either way, it was worth it. Let's pitch Ponson until his elbow goes all Frank Viola on us and he never has to subject anyone to his pitching again.

6TH INNING

BLOGGING STRIKE (CONT.)

7TH INNING

I'd like to think that the recent stirring of the bats has something to do with my blogging strike, but I doubt it. Anyways, in comes Sir Duckworth, and warming up next for KC, Mr. Belvedeere.

Congratulations Duckworth, you're the Joe Mays of 2007.

Or the Johan Santana. Back on strike.

8TH INNING

You know you're slow when 72 year old Reggie Sanders is brought in to run for you.

Punto is now the second person Bert has referred to as a cat this game, after Casilla earlier. If Dick keeps making cracks about how old he is, Bert might just refer to Bremer as a fucking asshole.

These casinos and their senior nights: "Hey, come blow all the money you spent your whole life saving up so your good for nothing kids can't inherit it".

And Death Metal rocks on.

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Casilla does the old Ichiro move there and is halfway to Duluth before the ball reaches first.

0-2 tonight, Mauer doesn't really have his mo-Joe working tonight but hey I'll take a walk. The Royals probably know that Cuddy salivates over the possibility of hitting into a double play with the game on the line.

Fucking Cuddy.

CastillAAA.

Bleakness.

9TH INNING

BLOGGING STRIKE BACK ON

POSTGAME

How convenient, I don't even have to change who is buried tonight. Silver lining people, silver lining.