Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Having not blogged last night's game, I think we can now scientifically assert that our absence is directly related to the Twins not playing well. I'll call up the editors at the Journal of the American Chemical Society after the game. Anyways, it's already damning that you even lose to the Royals, but giving up 11 runs is a downright damnification to my very sensibilities. What, you ask, could be on par with losing to the Royals? Let's have a look-see:

*Losing to Andy Dick in an acting contest
*Losing a beauty pageant to Rosie O'Donnell.
*Losing a vocal competition to either Sanjaya or Ashlee Simpson
*Losing a foot-in-mouth competition with Don Imus

You get the point. Let's hope that Bonser and Herzegovina can put us back on track today.

TOP 1ST

Watching Tony Peña Jr. field that tapper by Casilla reminds me of the extreme dislike my 6 year old self internalized towards his father after my parents bought the VHS of the 1987 World Series. It also makes me think that if Cheech Marin ever needs a stunt double, and being a 3rd base coach for the Yanks isn't working out, Tony Pena Sr. has himself a job.

Two unlikely things just occured: Punto singled and Mauer popped up. What, is it opposite day? If so, A-Rod is my personal hero and I respect his great post-season hitting.

Golly, it sure looks sunny. Think we'll see any lost fly balls hit Cuddy or Kubel's way today?

BOTTOM 1ST

Single there to start the game...Nobody fucks with DeJesus.

Except for second base, which turned the ankle joint, apparently. In any case, not a great start to the game for Boof. Looks like DeJesus will stay in the game, but from how he's hopping all over the infield you'd think his legs were on fire.

As the Ump does the signal for foul tip, I wonder if there's potential in an Umpire Workout video.

So, Sweeney spent a good amount of time on his ass in front of homeplate after that single, how did Casilla not throw him out? And, what does the infield dirt have against the Royals' ankles?

I guess that my comment a few minutes ago proved to be a little portentious, except that I should've included L-Rod. Isn't the outfielder supposed to take charge there? My Greinkeness is rising by the second, here.

They better work on their relationship with Mother Sun before our new stadium opens. Then again, if L-Rod's still around by then, something has gone horribly wrong.

TOP 2ND

Torrid does his part to strand Morneau at second after a lead-off double by not advancing the runner on a ground out. I'll let you blame it on the shoulder, for now.

You know, when Kubel was at AAA he hit .375 against pitchers just like Greinkie. I bet he didn't get blindsided by a change-up and look generally overmatched like just now.

I wonder if the "X team has its highest payroll ever this year" factoid is at all noteworthy. For what team isn't that true? What may be noteworthy is that the Royals' payroll, after the Meche deal, is actually pretty close to the Twins'. Hmmmm.

Redmond has got the Texas League single down the right field line down. Well, everyone has to be known for something right.

BOTTOM 2ND

Boof has decided to strike everyone out, and I can't blame him not wanting any of the Twins' fielders to touch the ball. After seeing all these fielding gaffes Tom Kelly is going to go egg and TP Gardenhire's house.

If the Royals were able to trade Angel Berroa and his 3 million dollar salary, I've got some faith that the Twolves might dump ___________ (name any player here). But then again, will probably just try to acquire Joe Smith anyways.

5Ks Boof, holy hell. Trying to catch up to Johan in one game, are you.

Cuddy fucked with DeJesus.
TOP 3RD

I'm not sure how common this is, but neither Casilla nor Punto even swung their bats, whether it be for a strike, a foul ball or in-play. You think someone should tell them that the bats aren't there just for show?

Ok, now Joe's not swinging the bat either. What's going on here...Hmm, he finally does swing and it's a 9-9-2 double play. Perhaps the stoic motionless approach to hitting has something to it.

BOTTOM 3RD

Mark Teahan is a Royal pain in the ass. Back to a 2 run deficit....

Ray King Felix: You are right there, my bad. You know, we could use someboy like Tony Reali at the end of PTI to point out where we've screwed up. But then again, the big difference between Wilbon and Kornheiser is that they actually care about historical accuracy and whatnot.

TOP 4th

The good Dr., aside from his superb hitting, is also a heads-up base runner. That heads-up baserunning, incidentally, may just tie the game after Sinn Fein's explosion to left field.

Now we're in business. Greinkeness level: Elevated.

I would take back what I wrote about Justincredible's base running after that rundown, but the Royals' announcers say that it's Torii's fault for bolting for 3rd. Fair enough. Greinkeness level, however, on brink of rising.

But I won't officially move it to a higher level because Mike "Bush League" Redmond just tied it up. It's that sort of ingenuity that has kept this guy in the league this long.

Well, L-Rod's up, I'm gonna go get a beer.

BOTTOM 4TH

4 runs, 4 innings. If I'm Boof Bonser, I'm checking out the Rochester Craig's List for apartments.

It's entirely conceivable that this Royals team isn't as bad as I think, but the high number of strikeouts combined with the number of hits given up leads me to believe that their hitters are being overly agressive and that Boof should throw more balls out of the zone. Just a thought, I'm no Rick Anderson.

TOP 5TH

There's nothing like a little Mauer Pauer to brighten one's day.

In most cases, it's the thought that counts, but not here. 5th inning, game tied, stay at 2nd Joe where you're already in scoring position. The Royals' announcers, astutely, pointed out that the distance from the mound fo 3rd is shorter than 2nd to 3rd, so Joe, if you had gone to college and taken advanced geometry, we could've avoided this scolding.

The previous comment on geometry reminds me to inform you all that if you're ever planning on taking the GRE, learn how to figure out the area of a triangle. That information is sure proving to be beneficial to me studying literature....

BOTTOM 5TH

At this stage in the game, I'm pleasantly surprised with every hit to the outfield that stays in the park. If you're looking for a positive, consider Gruzielanek's double a small victory.

Boof, what are you doing throwing hanging curveballs right over the plate in a pitcher's count? Goodness gracious. You know, there are few certainties in life, and you ought not depend on much of anything. However, when you are playing the Royals, you should be able to expect an entertaining and well-played ballgame from your team.

You know what Boof, consider this a favor from me to you. Click here and find yourself an apartment in upstate New York.

Greinkeness factor: Severe.

TOP 6TH, Royals 5 Twins 4

For a pitcher making his major league debut, the Rubick's Kubel is tough to crack.

We could definitely use another of Redmond's soon-to-be patented Texas League singles about now.

You can tell things have been bad in Kansas City for a while when their pitching changes are brought to you by a hydraulic adapters company. Before you know it Kaufmann will be known as "Flotec Sump Pump Park".

"Mike Redmond has put on a clinic on half-swing bloop singles to right field"---You have to TRUST ME that I wrote the 2nd to last line before that last hit. Not only has he gotten 3 bush league hits, but he's now tied up the game on two different ocassions.

BOTTOM 6TH, Twins 5 Royals 5

Neshek and his funky delivery just took Alex Gordon to funky town.

If LaRue thinks he's happy, after 2 ks, to see Boof out of the game, he should see Twins fans.

I guess it wasn't Boof, because Neshek took LaRue to funky town too. I guess the bottom line is that Boof was pretty much useless today and his only sucess was due to the hitter's inetpness.

Excellent to see Death Metal bounce back from his last appearance.

Greinkeness factor: Guarded

7TH INNING, GAME TIED

Speedy Casilla made that routine groundout a close infield single. Gload came off the bag it appears. If one were to verbalize Gload, it could be the antonym of "To Gloat"

So: After pulling his foot off the bag, the Royals firstbaseman gloaded to Casilla about his misfortune.

Nicky Punto: That belly flop slide into 3rd just made my weekend. Casilla, meanwhile, could've run around the bases 3 times and still made it home before the outfielder got to the ball.

Pitching change; Gobble waddles his way to the mound. In a show of male dominance, he spreads his tail feathers as he tries to mate with the females of the species.

Jensen: Punto said, "Fuck you Jobu, I do it myself"

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Twins bring in a lefty, and they opt for Reyes over the rook. Personally, I've always preferred Perkins to Dennys, but I'll roll with it.

Hard to believe that Reyes used to be considered a starter. Beyond the extremely limited repertroire of pitches, I think the poor guy also would be winded by the 3rd inning.

Teahan crumpets works out a walk there, tying run comes to the plate. The way the balls are carrying, anything could happen.

But nothing does, moving along.

8TH INNING, Twins 7 Royals 5

Redmond has really gotten on base in as unlikely of a fashion as possible this game. L-Rod's single then is potentially nullified, with Torii being caught stealing. Gardenhire, seeing Pena screw up a routine ground out, is reminded of Barlett and puts him in the game for L-Rod.

Gordon's sliding catch was one of those, "would've been routine but my own clumsiness necessitated a slide, and that's how you get a web gem"

9TH INNING, Twins 7 Royals 5

Well folks, I hate to fuck and run but for domestic tranquility I must go out and be sociable. Hopefully everything ends in a Twins win, and if it doesn't, I'm really going to call the editors at the Journal of the American Chemical Society with my scientific theory.

Postgame
Having returned, I see that the Twins did in fact pull this one out. Looking ahead, RK returns tomorrow and the true dialogic nature of this blog will resurface. In the meantime, checkout two new-ish blogs that I've been reading and enjoying as of late:

Tuesdays With Torii

MN Gameday Writers

And again, if you missed it before, yours truly appeared on the latest installment of the The Last Shot Podcast

Hasta mañana compadres.

----WV